MiSTed - "Out of Time" by Dave Hines (2/3)
Bill Livingston
Mike: Okay, fine, I promise if I ever stick you in sleep mode, I'll tuck
you in first and kiss your teddies goodnight.
Crow: And don't forget to leave the nightlight for Tom - he's scared of the
dark, y'know.
Tom: Am not!
>Chapter Six:
>
> Some time later, Dr. Julian Bashir stood outside Dave's holding cell.
Crow: [Bashir] Hello. I just thought I needed some screen time, so here
I am. So, how about them Mets?
>"Pardon me, Mr. Hines, but per station regulations, I have to do a brief
>medical exam on all incoming prisoners. The examination is non-invasive.
>May I proceed?"
>
Tom: [Bashir] Of course, I mean "non-invasive" for *me*. Now bend over
while I put on the spiked rubber gloves.
> "Sure," replied Dave with a smile flashing on his face, "But how
>will I ever fit you into my busy schedule?" he sarcastically asked, while
>waving his arms around the otherwise empty cell.
>
Tom: [Dave] Look! See how these invisible flying elves keep pestering me
with memoranda?
Crow: It's Trek, Tom. There might actually *be* invisible flying elves there.
> "Guard, alter the frequency of the cell's forcefield to be permeable
>to medical tricorder readings." Dr. Bashir instructed the ubiquitous guard.
Mike: I remember that guy! He was a bank guard in "Heat"!
Crow: Oh, and he was in the Volcano in "You Only Live Twice"!
Tom: And he was a Secret Service agent in "In the Line of Fire".
Mike: Wow! Dave went for the big names when he cast this.
>"Fascinating. Dr. Johnson released a preliminary paper on your quantum
>signature.
Mike: [Bashir] Apparently, it only takes three of yours to get one
Mark McGwire!
> You really should be back in the 20th century according to this
>readout."
>
Tom: [Dave] Well, I'm not going back until I see Episode Three. It's
going to open any day now.
> "What? And miss out on all these scenic holding cells?"
>
> "Otherwise, you seem to be in good health. Replicator food in the
>24th century is generally a bit more healthy than what you're used to."
>
Mike: [Bashir] Heck, you simpletons in the 20th century thought steaks and
cigarettes were bad for you. *snicker*
> "Yeah, but the hamburgers taste a little funny."
>
Crow: [Bashir] Oh, that's just the cow testicles. You'll get used to it.
> With that, Quark entered, holding a PADD.
Tom: [Falsetto] Mom? Sometimes I feel fresh, but not Ferengi fresh.
> "On behalf of the Bajoran
>Provisional Government,"
Crow: So it's still "provisional"? Geez, when are the Bajorans going to
get a real government going, anyway?
> he began in a tone of voice that indicated he was
>weary of this formality,
Mike: Hey, just like the guy down at the DMV!
> "Quark's Bar, Grill and Holodeck Emporium is happy
>to offer delicious and sustaining food to its temporary guest."
>
Crow: [Quark] It's Cardassian leftovers. Hope you like warm lizard eggs.
Mike: Does no one have anything better to do than hang around Dave's cell?
> Just then, Bashir's communicator beeped, and Sisko's voice announced
>"All Senior Staff to Briefing Room A, please."
>
Mike: Star Trek - Bureaucracy! This fall on UPN!
> "We're done here." said Bashir, shutting his tricorder down.
Crow: Good timing.
> "Now
>let me go see about getting you out of here. Guard, return the cell
>forcefield to standard, please."
>
Tom: [as Bashir] On second thought, make it light blue with red polka-dots.
> "What would you like for dinner tonight, Mr. Hines?" asked Quark.
>
Crow: [Dave] Hmmm, let's see - oh, how's about a nice big steaming plate
of farm-fresh GET ME OUT OF HERE?!?!?!
> "Do you know what pizza is?"
>
> "Of course!"
>
Tom: [Quark] Although why someone would want to eat molten rock
is beyond me.
> "Good. Give me a 12 incher with extra cheese, pepperoni and
>pineapple."
>
> "Pineapple? On pizza? That's disgusting!"
>
Tom: [Quark] What about Canadian Bacon and Tube Grubs instead?
>Chapter Seven:
>
> "Whoever this Mr. Naols is," began Sisko,
Crow: [Sisko] He's definitely not just somebody named "Sloan" spelling
his name backwards. Nope. Not at all.
> "he seems to have some
>sort of influence.
Tom: Look! He's been in the Lincoln Bedroom three times!
> When I took this 5th and 6th rank pip, I thought I was
>done with the type of interference I'm getting on the issue of Mr. Hines'
>freedom."
>
Crow: [Sisko] These focus group results clearly indicate the public wants
Dave voted off the island!
> "How so, Admiral?" asked Bashir.
>
Mike: [Sisko] The 6th pip *did* make me Supreme Ruler of the Federation,
right?
> "Apparently, the more xenophobic members of the Federation
>government are a bit paranoid regarding our friend.
Mike: And Ghidorah's little friends make a guest appearance.
Crow: There's a lot of anti-human sentiment in the Federation.
> At least that's the
>impression they're giving."
>
Tom: Except for Admiral Jellico, who's doing his Nixon impression.
> "This is preposterous!" thundered Odo. "That man is no danger
>whatsoever to the station or anyone else.
Crow: [Odo] I've got a gut feeling! Well, it would be if I actually had
guts. So I guess it's an undifferentiated protoplasmic feeling.
> I've been a security chief for a
>long time, Admiral. You begin to be able to tell these things."
>
Tom: Which explains why there are so many con artists, thieves, scoundrels,
and Ferengi on the station.
> "What about a word from Captain Picard?" suggested Ezri Dax, the
>station's counselor.
>
All: [Picard] Engage!
> "We have her report, and reports from her crew, who are certainly
>among Starfleet's best,
Crow: Or at the very least, its youngest.
Tom: Let's not let an opportunity to praise Marrissa and her crew pass by.
> but the Endeavour's on a classified mission right
>now, with an indeterminate length.
Tom: Starfleet's finally wised up and exiled them to Delta Vega.
> Waiting for Marrissa to save the day
>again doesn't seem like a very palatable option this time."
>
Mike: Not that it ever did, mind you.
> "I can speak with former First Minister Shakaar, sir." said Kira.
Crow: Not even the non-regulars are spared from showing up in this fic.
>"He still retains enough influence that I'm certain that the Provisional
>Government would grant Mr. Hines asylum."
>
Tom: [Kira] Or he might remember that crack Dave made about the
Prophets and ask the Kai to declare a jihad on him. Who knows?
> "Unfortunately, since his holding cell is currently under Federation
>control, no member of this station may aid Mr. Hines in leaving it.
Crow: Can you get Vedek Ford to pardon him?
> Even if
>Mr. Hines' incarceration would later be proven injust, it would be a court
>martial offense to any Starfleet officer, or any member of the Provisional
>Government under the treaty.
Tom: [Sisko] So even if he's innocent, we'll never be able to let him go.
> However, if we can get around that conundrum
>somehow,
Mike: [Sisko] Okay, let's try it one more time - a runabout leaves Bajor
heading east at Warp 4.5...
> Mr. Hines' having received asylum from the Bajorans would take
>priority as he would be on Bajoran territory."
>
Crow: [Sisko] Then he'll just be trapped on the stinking hellhole that
is Bajor until he dies. Oh, no offense, Nerys.
> "Sir," asked Lieutenant George Primmin, "isn't it possible that
>Temporal Investigations has a reason to do what they're doing?" Lieutenant
>Primmin was a Federation assistant to Odo in the station's early years,
>before being replaced by Michael Eddington.
Tom: And, once a game, he can nullify a Computer Crash.
> He returned to the station
>shortly after the departures of Worf and the O'Briens.
>
Mike: In other words, the characters that people actually wanted to see.
Great timing there, Dave.
> "No. I still have a friend in Temporal Investigations after the
>incident with the Orb of Time and the original Enterprise and they're as
>much in the dark as we are. If this is legitimate, it's being handled all
>wrong."
>
Crow: Oh, c'mon! I mean, a government bureaucracy screwing up?!? No one
would *ever* believe THAT!
> Dr. Bashir frowned deeply as if troubled by a persistent bad
>memory.
Mike: He's still traumatized by the time he had to give Worf and
Quark a physical on the same day.
Bots: Ugh!
> After the meeting dismissed, he quickly made his way into his
>office and called up a filename he knew by heart.
Tom: It was HOT_JADZIA_PIX.ZIP!
> He had a suspicion to
>verify.
>
Crow: That Dave's stealing background from game card text? I think
that's pretty obvious, myself.
Tom: And as it turned out, it *was* Professor Plum with the lead pipe
in the conservatory. Who knew?
>Chapter Eight:
>
> Aboard the darkened S.O.L., Dave's voice rang out, "Computer! Place
>Gypsy, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot into full operating status!"
>
Mike: [muttering] *That* would be nice for a change.
Crow: What?!
Mike: Nothing.
> As the computer signaled its compliance, Tom Servo sprang back to
>life yelling "Good morning, Vietnam!"
>
Mike: And Vietnam shouted back, "Good Morning, Tom Servo".
Crow: You sure are a dork in this fic, Tom.
> Crow remained on the floor muttering something about not wanting to
>go to school today.
>
Tom: You were saying?
Crow: It's that big fifth grader, Joey Curtis - he keeps snickersnagging
on me!
> Gypsy, was exultant. "It worked!"
>
> "Ugh! What worked, Gypsy?" asked the slowly rising Crow.
>
Mike: It's the House of the Rising Crow.
Tom: I hear it's been the ruin of many a fanfic.
Crow: And oh gawd! I think this is one!
> "Hooking a facsimile of Dave's voice into an independent system,
>set to issue our full power commands at a set time."
>
Mike: A tape recorder and an appliance timer would have had the same effect.
Tom: I wonder how that worked without power.
> "Uh huh." said Crow. "What does a 'bot have to do to get some
>waffles aboard this ship?"
>
Tom: Hey, there's a Waffle House down by the holodeck. You need to get
around the ship more.
> "No time for that now!" said Tom. "There's trouble brewing, and it's
>right here in River City!"
>
Tom: Trouble with a capital T, and that rhymes with C and that stands
for crap!
Mike: Somewhere, Robert Preston is spinning fast enough to run a turbine.
> The other two 'bots examined the display screen Tom had called up
>and familiarized themselves with the situation as it was currently
>unfolding.
>
Tom: As suspected, we were stuck in the middle of a Ratliff side-effect!
> "Alright! We can bust him out! It's station's night cycle, so we're
>not likely to run into too much resistance."
>
Crow: Except for the hordes of vampires stalking the station.
> Crow, with his long arms, jimmied the door open.
Crow: I like the sound of that - [announcer] The Long Arm of Crow's Law!
Tom: Heck, he could have done that with his big mouth.
Crow: At least I have arms, slinky boy.
Mike: How do you jimmy a giant gear, anyway?
> Together, the
>three 'bots, Tom hovering,
Crow: [Tom] Oooh, look, I'm so special - I *float*!
> Crow running with legs at full extension
Tom: [Crow] Check me out - I can geek run with my skinny little legs!
> and
>Gypsy slithering
Crow: Uh-oh. She won't like *that*.
Mike: Say, how *does* Gypsy get around anyway?
Tom: C'mon, Mike, she - uh - she -
Crow: Well-l-l-l...
All: Hmmmmm...
> made their way out into DS9.
>
Mike: Anyway, I just don't picture Gypsy on a commando raid.
Crow: Yeah. She's more of the grizzled Marine commander type.
>Chapter Nine:
>
> "Hey Dave! Wakey-wakey!" shouted Crow.
>
> "Crow? Huh? What?!" replied a groggy Dave. Dave tended to wake up
>slowly.
>
Crow: Slow seems to be Dave's normal state.
> "Time to check out, Dave!" added Gypsy.
>
Mike: Sorry, Gyps, this is FANFIC MOTEL - where Self-Insertion characters
check in, but they *don't* check out!
> Tom Servo hovered up to the control panel and began to turn sideways.
Tom: Yeah, man! I can Batusi with the best of 'em!
>There was a soft clink as magnets attached Servo's bottom hoverskirt to the
>control panel, and a whining noise
Tom: Oh, that's just Crow, whining because *he* can't fly and dance real
cool, heh heh heh.
Crow: [muttering] Big show-off!
> as Tom began to apply his hover-power
>full blast to the panel.
Mike: Geez, Servo, use some Gas-X or something!!
Tom: Sorry. Bad clams for dinner.
> As the panel melted, sounds of shorting out could
>be heard, and the cell door flickered off.
>
Mike: So, you're jet powered now, huh, Tom?
Tom: Looks like it.
> "Thanks, Tom! Let's go!" The four raced out of the Security area,
>past other fields that the 'bots had disabled
Crow: Ebbets Field...
Tom: Flanders Field...
Crow: Field of Dreams...
Tom: Mrs. Field's Fishsticks...
Crow: We took no chances.
Mike: So I see.
> and an unconcious Security
>Officer who Dave didn't want to ask about.
Mike: Looks like Roy's been hittin' the Romulan Ale again.
Crow: Luckily, someone forgot to turn on the security sensors, so the
computer never noticed all the damage they caused.
> Just as they entered the
>promenade, they came face to face with Ezri Dax, who had just come off
>shift.
All: Uh oh.
Mike: Well, this has "romantic interest setup" written all over it.
> They drew to a halt, wondering what to do next.
>
Mike: Dave must have missed for Health class that day.
Crow: Oh, *I* know what to do next - fall at the feet of the goddess and
worship!
Tom: Oh, mama!
> Ezri regarded the group with a bemused confusion, then tapped her
>comm-badge. "Dax to Kira."
>
Tom: Oh, WOW!!!!
Crow: It's like a dream come true! *pantpantpant*
Mike: Guys - no, never mind. Enjoy your fantasy life.
> Kira Nerys, who had drawn station command during Gamma shift that
>night answered, "Yes, Ezri. What can I do for you?"
>
Tom: [Kira] And no, before you ask, I still don't swing that way.
> "Did former First Minister Shakaar grant the request you were
>mentioning?"
>
Crow: [Kira] Yes! They *are* going to play "Hungry Like the Wolf"
during the Retro-Lunch Hour!
> "Yes, as a matter of fact, he saw to it personally. Why?"
>
Crow: It must be nice to have a ruler that pays attention to minor
details brought to him by his underlings.
Tom: Or that pays attention to *anything* brought to his attention!
Mike: Sorry, Guys, I'm just not convinced the Satellite's gonna implode
if we don't get a snow-cone machine.
Crow: Well, don't come crying to us when it happens, Mike.
> "Inform the Provisional Government to set out four extra placemats
>at dinner. Dax out."
>
Crow: Bajor's having the Federation over for lunch.
Mike: How about at least sending a medical team for the poor security
guard they assaulted?
Tom: Just an extra, Mike. Plenty more where he came from.
> Ezri turned to Dave and the others. Dave was still a little
>speechless, given his stress at the current predicament and his usual
>shyness around beautiful women.
>
Tom: Great. He's even more of a geek with the girls than you, Nelson.
Mike: Yeah, scary ain't - waitaminit!!!
> "Get back in your cell!" stated Dax in an oddly-stilted voice that
>resembled intentional bad acting.
>
Tom: No, no, no, this is "Deep Space Nine", not "Voyager"!
> Now Dave was confused.
Tom: Oh, only *now* is Dave confused.
> "Um... no?" he asked lamely.
>
Mike: In a voice that resembled unintentional bad writing.
> "Oh rats.
Mike: Vote Bush!
Bots: Whaaa...?
Mike: Sorry. Must've been something subliminable.
> I've done everything I can do to enforce the ever so
>lawful incarceration you were under. Oh well." Ezri turned her back on the
>group and walked away, trying not to laugh out loud.
Mike: She must be having KitH flashbacks.
> Due to the odd
>legalities involved, Dave was now under Bajoran asylum.
>
Crow: They sent him to Arkham?
Tom: For writing this? Oh, yeah!
> Gypsy was quick to break the silence. "Run!" she yelled to the
>others. The four proceeded to run like hell down the promenade, nearly
>bowling down poor Rom in the process.
>
Tom: Yeah, that's a good way to start your stay in the 24th century -
just run over the Grand Nagus. I'm sure the Ferengi won't take
offense at that and start a crusade against you.
>Chapter Ten:
>
> "Prepare to launch, Gypsy!" ordered Dave as soon as he shut the
>internal door to the S.O.L.'s airlock.
>
Crow: [Tom] If you think that throwing her out of the airlock will help,
Dave, then I'm all for it!
Gypsy: [OS] I heard that!
Crow: *gulp*
> "What's all this preparing?! Just go!" Crow demanded.
>
> "Just go, Gypsy."
>
All: Gypsy is GO!!!
> The S.O.L. broke away from the station and began to pick up speed.
>
Mike: Five. Six. Seven miles per hour!
Tom: They'll reach safety in 7 or 8 millennia, folks!
>Chapter Eleven:
>
Mike: Yep. This story is now creatively bankrupt.
Crow: On the other hand, the chapters are getting shorter.
Tom: Well, we're going nowhere, but we're making good time.
> "What do you mean, he's escaped?" asked an outraged Captain Naols.
>
Crow: He's gone! Split! Vamoosed! Hit the bricks! Made like a
hockey team and got the p-
Mike: We get it, Crow, thanks.
> "Just that." replied a smug Admiral Sisko, who had just been called
>to Ops. "And TI will be receiving a bill from the Bajoran Provisional
>Government for some disabled security fields.
Tom: [Sisko] Of course, you can just ignore that since we don't use
money...
> After all, you failed to
>inform us that Mr. Hines had access to equipment that could liberate him
>from the holding cells.
>
Crow: [Sisko] If you had just told us he had hired the A-Team...
> "Then allow the Neylon to undock to pursue him!"
>
Tom: Sorry, he's finishing his doctoral thesis.
> "I'm so sorry, Captain." chimed in Kira Nerys. "But Bajoran Space
>Control insists that all departures of capital starships
Crow: Such as the USS Juneau, the USS Salt Lake City, the USS Atlanta...
> be spaced at least
>one hour apart to avoid environmental damage such as that currently
>plaguing the Hakaris Corridor,
Tom: Star Trek - Space Traffic Control!
Mike: If Ralph Nader ran Starfleet!
> and the I.K.C. Hegh'ta
All: Gesundheit.
> just departed fifteen
>minutes ago. Mr. Hines, in our opinion, just does not qualify as the class
>3 or higher emergency necessary to override that protocol."
>
Mike: Technically, wouldn't breaking out of the brig, taking out a security
officer, and destroying station property count as criminal activity?
Tom: Of course not.
> Naols snarled at the two officers.
Tom: Wow! He's tough as Naols!
Crow & Mike: D'OH!!!
> "Fine! Launching shuttlecraft!"
>
Crow: Oh, this'll be exciting! Like chasing a station wagon using a
pair of mini-vans!
>Chapter Twelve:
>
> "I see the shuttlecraft, Gypsy. Can we make for the wormhole?"
>
Mike: No, you fool! Not without the spice!
> "I'm afraid not, Dave.
[All start to speak]
Mike: Okay, were we all about to do a "2001" Ref?
Bots: Yes.
Mike: Let's just mark it done and go on then, okay?
Bots: 'Kay.
> Two Bajoran Interceptors have just been
>picked up on sensors! We won't make it to the wormhole in time!"
>
Mike: I guess you could say they were "Out of Time"! Huh? Huh?
Crow: We get it, Mike.
> Dave digested this bit of information.
Tom: And then took some bromides to settle his stomach.
> "Crap! We can't run.
Mike: We can't hide!
Crow: [Tom] Ooooh, but *I* can still *hover*!
Tom: [Crow] Oh, Tom! Have I ever told you you're my hero? You *are*
the wind beneath my wings!
>The Neylon would catch us before we reach any other star systems. I need
>options, guys!"
>
Mike: Well, there's always SVAM.
Crow: [Tom] Let's call Superman! He can get us out of here!
Tom: [Crow] If we wallow in our self-pity, maybe he'll let us go!
> As the panel near Tom beeped, he exclaimed, "Dave. The Interceptors
>are hailing us!"
>
Crow: They said, and I quote, "Hail you!"
> "I'll talk to them!" piped in Crow.
>
Tom: [Crow] Ohohoh, let *me* be the center of attention!
> "NO!" responded the other three in unison.
>
Tom: And the crew shows an astounding amount of good sense.
> "Route it to my screen, Gyps!" Dave ordered.
>
> Dave's screen lit up, showing an attractive Bajoran female at the
>helm of an Interceptor. "Mr. Hines, I am Lieutenant Stens Kara of the
>Bajoran Provisional Government.
Mike: "Stens Kara" - hmmm, what can we get out of that, guys?
Tom: Lessee - there's "Kara Stens", um, "Arak's Nets"...
Crow: "S-Net Sarak", "As Ten Kars", "Ass Tanker" - hmmm, I dunno,
it's got me stumped.
> Your request for asylum has been granted.
>Please follow us to landing coordinates three four niner by seven four
>zero."
>
Crow: Okay, right be- wait, that's not Bajor! It's, it's - APE CITY!!!!
Mike: Quick, everyone! Bury the Wormhole in the sand up to its waist and
get your Pagh Wraith costumes on!
Tom: [Charlton Heston] You Maniacs! You blew it all up!
> Dave's typical speechlessness when confronted by pretty girls
>had just kicked in again,
Crow: [Dave] Huh-huh, purty. Purty girl. Huhuhuhuh.
> so he was gratified to hear Gypsy report that she
>was setting a course for those coordinates. He would have hated to expose
>his ignorance about landing coordinates to this girl.
>
Tom: I don't want to think about Dave exposing *anything* to a girl.
> Just then, Captain Naols' face burst onto the screen.
Mike: Bleagh! You can see right up his nostrils!
> "This is an
>unacceptable bureaucratic delaying tactic! The Federation council will
>impose a complete embargo on the Bajoran system for this, I can assure
>you!"
>
Crow: Hot embargo action!
> Dave had had it with this strutting bureaucrat.
Mike: But he'd enjoyed having it more from the cute Bajoran pilot.
> He engaged his
>ship's external holographic systems.
Tom: And instantly, the image of Tom Servo, the most handsome bot
in the universe, appeared.
> However, rather than re-initializing
>the Satellite of Love illusion, he simply made a rather obscene and
>impossible anatomic suggestion appear in flashing bright red letters
>underneath his ship to the pursuing shuttlecraft.
>
Mike: Great. The undreamed-of technology of the future at his fingertips,
and all he can come up with is the equivalent of scribbling on the
restroom wall!
> "What does that mean?!" asked a perplexed Captain Naols.
>
Tom: ["Naols"] "Make Seven Up Yours" - the hell?!?
> Dave sighed as he punched the button to terminate the communication.
>Sometimes, he hated this century.
>
Crow: He *still* hadn't figured out what the seashells were for.
Mike: And *I* still haven't figured out what this story is for!
[All leave]
COMMERCIALS:
1) It's Freddie Prinze Jr. & Rachael Leigh Cook in "Another Generic Teen
Romantic Comedy"! Rated PG-13.
2) John Edward is a man who can talk to the dead - and bamboozle the living!
3) William Shatner sings Def Leppard for Priceline!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
bil...@hiwaay.net http://home.hiwaay.net/~billfl
"If you're dumb, surround yourself with smart people. And if you're smart,
surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you."
Isaac Jaffee (Robert Guillome), "Sports Night"