[MiSTing] "Here It Is" (2/2)
Jim W.
MIKE: As God is my witness, I will find a way!
CROW[to Servo]: What's he rambling about?
SERVO: I don't know.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>STEP 2: Now take the #1 name off the list that you see above,
CROW: And ram it!
MIKE: CROW!
CROW: What?
MIKE: That wasn't nice!
CROW: Fine. [pouts] Jim didn't yell at me.
>move the other names up (6 becomes 5, 5 becomes 4, etc...) and add YOUR
>Name as number 6 on the list.
>
SERVO: Like I want the entire internet community to know where I live.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>STEP 3: Change anything you need to, but try to keep this article as
>close to original as possible.
CROW: Well, comparing this one with the one we read back in '98, this one
contains a completely different story at the begining.
SERVO: But why couldn't they change anything else?
>Now, post your amended article to at
>least 200 newsgroups. (I think there are close to 24,000 groups) All
>you need is 200, but remember, the more you post, the more money you
>make!
MIKE: The writer is forgetting that cross-posters are loathed throughout
Usenet.
>You won't get very much unless you post like crazy. :)
CROW: Hey, that's new.
SERVO: So this is like a Special Edition of "Are You Ready to Get $40,000 in 6
Weeks
with Only 8 Bucks???!!" with added scenes and stuff?
CROW: I suppose so.
>This is perfectly legal! If you have any doubts, refer to Title 18
>Sec. 1302 & 1341 of the Postal lottery laws.
MIKE: You mean the one you made up?
>Keep a copy of these steps for yourself and, whenever you need money,
>you can use it again, and again.
>PLEASE REMEMBER that this program remains successful because of the
>honesty and integrity of the participants and by their carefully
>adhering to the directions. Look at it this way. If you are of
>integrity, the program will continue and the money that so many
>others have received will come your way.
SERVO: Only in theory. In practice, this chain letter works less than
communism.
>NOTE: You may want to retain every name and address sent to you,
>either on a computer or hard copy and keep the notes people send you.
CROW: Then sell all their information to the highest bidder!
>This VERIFIES that you are truly providing a service. (Also, it might
>be a good idea to wrap the $1 bill in dark paper to reduce the risk
>of mail theft.)
MIKE: I think I'll hide my bill with a neon sign that blinks "One dollar bill
enclosed."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>So, as each post is downloaded and the directions carefully followed,
>six members will be reimbursed for their participation as a List
>Developer
MIKE: 4.0
CROW: Huh?
MIKE: List Developer 4.0.
[Crow and Servo stare at each other]
CROW: Uh, Mike, are you okay?
MIKE: Yes.
>with one dollar each. Your name will move up the list
>geometrically so that when your name reaches the #1 position you will
SERVO: ...turn into a polygon.
>be receiving thousands of dollars in CASH!!! What an opportunity for
>only $6.00 ($1.00 for each of the first six people listed above) Send
>it now, add your own name to the list and you're in business!
MIKE: A lousy, dead-end business, but still a business!
>
>---DIRECTIONS ----- FOR HOW TO POST TO NEWSGROUPS------------
>Step 1) You do not need to re-type this entire letter to do your own
>posting. Simply put your cursor at the beginning of this letter and
>drag your cursor to the bottom of this document, and select 'copy'
>from the edit menu. This will copy the entire letter into the
>computer's memory.
CROW: Come on, we're not *that* basic.
>Step 2) Open a blank 'notepad' file and place your cursor at the top
>of the blank page. From the 'edit' menu select 'paste'. This will
>paste a copy of the letter into notepad so that you can add your name
>to the list.
MIKE: I think it might be more educational and fun if they had the gang
from ReBoot come in and explain it.
>Step 3) Save your new notepad file as a .txt file. If
>you want to do your postings in different settings, you'll always
>have this file to go back to.
>Step 4) Use Netscape or Internet explorer and try searching for
>various newsgroups (on-line forums, message boards, chat sites,
>discussions.)
SERVO: Hey, what's wrong with Deja.com?
CROW: Um...nothing...for now...
MIKE[as if reading from an ancient manuscript]: And with the fall of Dejanews
came the fall of internet communication forums worldwide...
>Step 5) Visit these message boards and post this article as a new
>message by highlighting the text of this letter and selecting paste
>from the edit menu. Fill in the Subject, this will be the header that
>everyone sees as they scroll through the list of postings in a
>particular group, click the post message button. You're done with
>your first one! Congratulations...THAT'S IT!
MIKE: That's all it takes to make an entire community mad at you! Don't
forget to post using a fake e-mail address so no one can mailbomb you.
>All you have to do is
>jump to different newsgroups and post away, after you get the hang of
>it, it will take about 30 seconds for each newsgroup! **REMEMBER, THE
>MORE NEWSGROUPS YOU POST IN, THE MORE MONEY YOU WILL MAKE! BUT :
>YOU HAVE TO POST A MINIMUM OF 200** That's it! You will begin receiving
>money from around the world within days!
CROW: That's great. And just what will I do with one hundred kruplas?
>You may eventually want to
>rent a P.O.Box due to the large amount of mail you will receive. If
>you wish to stay anonymous, you can invent a name to use, as long as
>the postman will deliver it. **JUST MAKE SURE ALL THE ADDRESSES ARE
>CORRECT.**
>
SERVO: That would be a tragedy, wouldn't it?
CROW: Somewhere in Pittsburgh some lucky dope wonders where all the money
came from.
>Now, each of the 5 persons who just sent me $1.00 make the MINIMUM 200
>postings, each with my name at #5 and only 5 persons respond to each
>of the original 5, that is another $25.00 for me, now those 25 each
>make 200 MINIMUM posts with my name at #4 and only 5 replies each, I
>will bring in an additional $125.00!
MIKE: The longest run-on sentence on the Web, ladies and gentlemen.
>Now, those 125 persons turn
SERVO: ...into zombies and take over the banks! Woo-hoo!
CROW: Get a grip.
>around and post the MINIMUM 200 with my name at #3 and only receive 5
>replies each, I will make an additional $625.00! OK, now here is the
>fun part, each of those 625 persons post a MINIMUM 200 letters with
>my name at #2 and they each only receive 5 replies, that just made me
>$3,125.00!!!
[Mike whips out a calculator and starts performing equations]
>Those 3,125 persons will all deliver this message to 200
>newsgroups with my name at #1 and if still 5 persons per 200
>newsgroups react I will receive $15,625,00! With an original
>investment of only $6.00!
[Mike's calculator blows up]
SERVO: Woah!
MIKE: ow
CROW: Hey, Servo, can I talk to you over here?
SERVO: Sure.
[Servo and Crow move to the left of the screen.]
>AMAZING! When your name is no longer on the
>list, you just take the latest posting in the newsgroups,
CROW: Have you noticed that Mike is making the same jokes as Jim did when he
was up here?
SERVO: How could you make that assumption, Crow?
>and send
>out another $6.00 to names on the list, putting your name at number 6
>again. And start posting again.
MIKE: The newsgroup community would be sooo tied up by now.
SERVO: Oh.
CROW: We've got to get him to snap out of it.
SERVO: But how could he possibly know what jokes Jim made?
CROW: I don't know...but I don't like it. Jim might be trying to write himself
back into our continuity!
SERVO: No!
>The thing to remember is: do you
>realize that thousands of people all over the world are joining the
>internet and reading these articles everyday?, JUST LIKE YOU are
>now!!
CROW: What can we do?
SERVO: It think we'll just have to wait and see what happens.
CROW: Okay...
[Servo and Crow return to their seats]
MIKE: So, what were you two talking about?
SERVO and CROW[quickly]: Nothing. Nothing at all.
>So, can you afford $6.00 and see if it really works?? I think
>so... People have said, "what if the plan is played out and no
>one sends you the money? So what! What are the chances of that
>happening when there are tons of new honest users and new honest
>people who are joining the internet and newsgroups everyday and are
>willing to give it a try?
MIKE: Is this still the quote?
>Estimates are at 20,000 to 50,000 new
>users, every day, with thousands of those joining the actual
>internet. Remember, play fairly and honestly and this will really
>work. Good Luck !
SERVO: That might offend some people who don't believe in it, you know.
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
CROW: Hey, it ended earlier than last time.
SERVO: Are you complaining?
MIKE: I'm not. Let's book, guys.
CROW: Um...
[Mike exits. Servo and Crow cautiously follow.]
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL]
MIKE: What do you mean I kept saying the same jokes Jim did?
SERVO: You were! We have you on record!
MIKE: That's pretty freaky. But you have to remember that he's the author.
CROW: But that's not how it's supposed to happen!
MIKE: Listen, I've found that it's much easier to let the show end on a loose
end, and it'll all be forgotten next week.
CROW: I suppose you're right...
*Mads' sign*
[MZ2] Pearl is standing before the contraption.
PEARL: Now that you're all completely confused about what's been happening,
it's time to DIE!
[Pearl throws a very large switch. A spark flies.]
[Pearl waits.]
PEARL: Aw, crap. Looks like you'll have to wait a bit.
[Frank enters]
FRANK: Pearl, I just looked at next week's schedule, and I'm on double shifts.
What's the deal?
PEARL: Shut up and work, Frank! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Push the button!
FRANK: Oh, fine. [grumbles]
[FWOOSH!]
[Mighty Science Theater]
written by: Jim Whaley
featuring:
Mike Nelson: Michael J. Nelson
Crow: Bill Corbett
Tom Servo: Kevin Murphy
Gypsy: Patrick Brantseg
Magic Voice: Beez McKeever
also featuring:
Pearl Forrester: Mary Jo Pehl
TV's Frank: Frank Conniff
All MST3K characters and situations are trademarks of Best Brains, Inc.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only;
no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains,
Inc.
is intended or should be inferred.
No insults are intended to anyone refered to in this MiSTing.
Any alteration or reproduction of this MiSTing without permission or credit
is not appreciated. Please contact the author at the e-mail address provided
below.
based upon MST3K created by Joel Hodgson
special thanks to:
all present and former employees of Best Brains, Inc., wherever they may be
the authors of the First Amendment
and last but not least, You, the reader
no thanks to:
Usenet spam posters
This MiSTing is dedicated to anyone who loves to laugh.
e-mail tj...@aol.com for comments, etc.
c2000 by Jim Whaley
> what if the plan is played out and no one sends you the money? So what!
a Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 production
http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k
-----------------
Recent and upcoming episodes of Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000:
308: Once A Teacher
401: Extreme Chaos
402: Sonic vs Mario
403: Flower's Quest
404: Here It Is
405: What's Q, Pussycat?
My MiSTings can be found easily on Web Site Number Nine,
located at http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k
or go to my web site, The MSTerminal;
http://members.aol.com/tjats/tjats.html
-----------------
On the next episode of Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000:
---
>Subject: "What's Q, Pussycat?"
---
>"What should I name you?" Data thought, aloud. "Fluffball?"
SERVO: Come on, Data! Think bigger! Better! Name him after Einstein!
---
>"However, I named the kitten Q because
>it kept getting up on my computer and tapping that particular key."
>
CROW[Data]: Gee I wonder if the kitten is Q in disguise. Oh, well.
---
And also the crew tackles another e-mail spam!
---
>--Tessa Complete Health Care, Inc. (www.tessa-sra.com) provides physician
>practice management services to multi-specialty clinics that focus on
>conservative, non-invasive rehabilitative care.
MIKE: TSSA: When you care to give the most to your homicidal relatives.
---
***
[Shot of the SOL and Space Station Libra from "Gundam Wing"]
And what's this? The show is now on Cartoon Network's Toonami block?!?
***
That's all next month on Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000!
(Please keep in mind I don't spoil the really funny stuff. Unlike most movies,
I never put the best parts in my previews.)
A Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 production.
For more details, visit http://members.aol.com/tjats/tjats.html
Jim W. (#90212)
my MiSTings and fanfiction:
http://sft1b.mistings.org
---
"I will believe in myself
This is the only start for me"
-Sonic Adventure
---
"Talented people are capable of understanding us."
-Lady Une