[Misting] A Letter to the Fans pt. 4 (revised)
KenWMcC55
Crow: Sounds like someone has a *serious* Christ complex.
> and me to walk
>away from it, just because of what one person who's pissed off and has
>NEVER MET ME IN THEIR LIFE, wants to happen?
Crow: No, because every fan with a brain wants you to walk away!
> Do you want to give this
>person that kind of power? Can you sleep well,
Tom: Sure, Nitol puts me right out!
> knowing that this web
>terrorist will destroy your favorite series over whatever it is about me
>that bugs them,
Tom: Ever think that web terrorist and Karen were college roomies, and
web terrorist just hates her hygiene?
Doctor: That's how the Master and me fell out.
> and can pick up the phone whenever they want and tell
>anybody the same lies they've told you?
Crow: You just can't trust Esther Rolle anymore, can you?
> Do you want to watch this person
>ruin the series?
Tom: No, but they're more than welcome over on Monkey Magic.
> Do you want to wait another ten years for a new one
>because of one person?
>
>Are you willing to risk that?
>
>Think about it, and all I want you to ask yourselves is,
Crow: How many licks does it take to get a woman in a frenzy?
> what are this
>person's motives? Why are they doing this?
Tom: Because attacking JMS has become so passé.
> What kind of person would
>work this steadily, to try to turn people against someone, and even
>destroy a coming series
(Doctor and Tom look at Crow)
Crow: What? Do I look like the authors of the Discontinuity Guide?
> to do it?
>
>So ask yourselves these questions.
Tom: 1. Is Karen McCoy nuttier than Brandon Peterson turning down X-Men
for Awesome?
Crow: 2. Is she on the run from Hello Nurse, Ralph the security guard, and
Dr. Scratch-n-Sniff?
Doctor: 3. Is there any point to this?
> That's all I ask. I don't want you to
>avoid this person,
Tom: I just want you to give them an atomic wedgie.
> or say cruel things about them,
Doctor: Well, how could we ever dare, when you've made an artform of it?
> or ignore their
>websites or postings.
Crow: Well, that's a relief. My killfile's already ignoring all of
alt.tv.x-files!
> By all means, read them. If nothing else, they're
>great examples of character assassination
Tom: Oh my god, they killed the Doctor! You bastards!
> and libel, and are absolutely
>intriguing tours into the penetralia
Tom: What in the almighty wisdom of Ben Stein is she saying?!
Doctor: She's using a very rare form of Ancient Gallifreyan called
"Stuttering Kookese".
> of a seriously diseased mind.
>
>Albeit a mind hiding behind an org to conceal the fact that it's them,
>but a mind I recognize nevertheless...
Crow: Hmmm, I don't remember the SIG but the mind is familiar.
> A truly objective presented of
>facts would be truly objective;
Tom: And a truly garbled up sentence would be truly garbled.
> that's what objective means. "Never
>cowardly or cruel..."
Doctor: Always confusing and rambling.
Tom: Keep using that quote, Karen! It'll give Kate Orman a reason to
sue you!
> These police reports have value. Plus reports like
>these are vaguely fictional,
Crow: Like The True Confession of O.J. Simpson.
> like those "World's Greatest Car Crashes"
>specials you see on FOX. The car crashes did happen, and they were
>videotaped, but now they're got an announcer narrating them in a certain
>way with a low, urgent voice
Tom: With plenty of lip and tongue action.
> designed to make you see the crashes in a
>certain way...
Doctor: You know, without the announcer, I wouldn't have been able
to realize that this was tragic!
> a little like this scenario.
>
>But why are web terrorist's telephone records and e-mail records
>mysteriously missing from this public announcement to "Decide for
>Yourself?" Could those telephone records contain something?
>Better yet, why doesn't web terrorist sue me if I've done so much to
>them?
Doctor: Because much like us, she just wants you to go away!
> Why not just bring a lawsuit against me so
Crow (McCoy): I can hire my equilvent of the Dream team.
Tom: Yeah, Michael Keaton, Peter Boyle, and Christopher Lloyd.
> the BellSouth telephone
>records of their conversations with me, Joe Sawin and everyone else at
>Area 9, Oz Magazine,
Crow: I got it! McCoy is really the Wicked Witch of the West, and Web
Terrorist is Glenda the Good Witch!
> etc., will be readable by everyone,
Doctor: Unless it's in Ancient Gallifreyan.
> just like
>"Decide for Yourself?" I'm sure all those obscenities will be brushed
>over by a sympathetic jury. I'm sure that fans won't notice how my
>intelligent and calm questions like "who are you" and "why are you doing
>this"
Crow: And "Will you please put in a good word for me with Paul Cornell?"
> are swept aside by web terrorist's breathy demands
Tom (husky Barry white voice): Oh yeah baby...
> that I "get off
>the bullshit wagon"
Doctor: Where are the italics now?
> and "go to hell." Right?
>
>Web terrorist informed Detective Price on telephone (there is an
>audiotape of this exchange,
Tom: Free with every purchase of "Who is Tom Baker?"
> but I'm sure Price will destroy it to
>protect web terrorist, whom he likes... or liked, at least, until his
>misjudgment of the individual landed him in trouble with Internal
>Affairs and his superior)
Crow: (starts sputtering with laughter): Someone should *really* cut down
on the soaps!
> that Karen McCoy was trying to "get her back"
>as "retaliation" because Karen was mad Karen "got caught." Web terrorist
>actually used this phrase again and again on the recording,
Doctor: Much like how you use "web terrorist".
> which I have
>heard and am privy to.
Tom (Bababooy): I'm not privy to that, bothe.
> What I "got caught" at, I'm not sure, because
>several people have seen the artwork and the teleplays and the proposal,
Crow: And laughed until they collapsed from asphyxiation.
>and they know that I appear to have been telling the truth the entire
>time, excepting Area 9's involvement in things, which I though I saw,
Doctor: She forgot the "t".
Crow: You've never read any early Ratliff, have you?
>but soon realized was not there.
>
>And either way this turns out, they will not be part of the magic that
>may or may not become this animated series.
Doctor: For some reason, I keep getting the mental picture of her sitting
at a computer, typing up her latest script, and silently crying at
her brilliance.
> The story has moved past
>them now.
Crow: Oooh, how deep.
>I telephoned web terrorist's employers for two reasons:
Tom: I needed the numbers for 911 and 411.
>1) I do not personally know web terrorist,
Doctor: But I'm sure you're good friends with the Trix Rabbit, Napoleon,
and Zaphod Bebblebrox.
> and web terrorist furnished
>web terrorist's employer's name in e-mails to Gary Powell of Oz
>Magazine,
Tom: Edited by the Cowardly Lion and proofread by the Scarecrow.
> who gave copies of web terrorist's e-mails to him to me,
Crow (McCoy): As well as a get well soon card, though I don't know why.
> as
>soon as he found out he'd been had by web terrorist, which was pretty
>quick. Web terrorist made web terrorist's phone calls to me,
Doctor: Well, who else is she make the phone calls from? Mr. X?
Tom: My dome is in serious danger of overloading from trying to figure
that sentence out.
> to my
>employer and to producers in the Atlanta area from web terrorist's place
>of employment.
Crow: Is it me, or is she repeating herself?
Tom: We've been in here so long, I could read a letter from
George Lucas and think it was from her!
> So this was the fastest way to reach and possibly stop
>web terrorist.
>
> And--
>2) Web terrorist telephoned MY employers.
Tom: You don't say? I thought she phoned the Chinese!
> Web terrorist was actually on
>the line with Joe Sawin at Area 9 when I telephoned web terrorist's
>extension where web terrorist worked, and asked web terrorist what web
>terrorist was doing.
Crow: To which she replied, "None of your business, McDork!"
> The amazing thing is,
Doctor: That NBC took half a year cancel Union Square.
> when I confronted web
>terrorist, the first thing out of web terrorist's mouth was
Tom: Ooombchickawalkcinchawomseepow!
> "How dare
>you call me at work. How dare you."
Doctor: Sounds like she said it pretty flatly.
> Interesting, considering that web
>terrorist was saying this while on hold with Joe Sawin.
Crow: You know, she does have a point...
Tom (shocked): You don't mean you're starting to take her seriously?!
Doctor: Sounds like someone's been in the theater too long.
>What do I intend to accomplish with this letter?
Crow (McCoy): Turn it into a mail-bomb and avenge my sweet Kazcinski!
> Nothing really. I have
>nothing to hide,
Doctor: Except for that time you spent with the Heaven's Gate cult.
> and I'm not coming out trying to be something I'm not,
>or trying to take anything from the fans,
Tom: Except their dignity and hope.
> or lie to them,
Crow (soothingly): I'm going to make it all go away. Trekkies, the latest
ret-con by John Peel, everything.
> or hurt them.
>All I am is a fan with some industry contacts
Tom: I doubt Jimmy "J.J." Walker can accomplish that much for you.
> who, like it or not, truly
>wants to bring Doctor Who back to the air. And I have done some things
>in that direction, whether web terrorist is proud of that or not. I
>don't want fame, fortune, glory or fan adulation.
Crow: Eclairs, cordial cherries, and Antonio Banderas on the other hand...
> I want only two
>things.
Doctor: Larry and Balki.
> I want to give you guys back your show and I want web terrorist
>to leave me alone.
>
>It's all true what web terrorist says! I'm a liar, I'm a fraud, I'm a
>bitch
Tom: I'm a sinner, I'm a saint...
> and a shrew,
Crow: With a badly matted rug for fur and oversized novelty teeth.
> I'm a psycho who's obsessed with
Doctor: Judd Nelson's kneecaps.
> a lone fan in a town
Tom: That dreaded sundown.
>1500 miles from me, I called them first instead of them calling me first
>(that one's REEEEEALY true), I've lied to the law
Crow: And the law won.
> in two states, I've
>stalked web terrorist, I've showered web terrorist in phone calls to
>where web terrorist works,
Crow: The National Association of Web Terrorists.
> I've assassinated John Lennon, I've raped the
>Sabenes and I have AIDS, I must admit.
(silence)
Doctor: Was that supposed to be humorous?
Crow: I take back what I said earlier.
> All of these things are
>absolutely true! So believe them!
>
>I've also...
Crow: Danced with devil in the pale moonlight!
>Committed Internet Fraud against Area 9 and Galen Chandler.
>Misrepresented Area 9 and pretended they were like, really, really
>involved in Doctor Who, a situation I completely made up
Tom: No doubt like your entire resume.
> and created out
>of my own mind,
Doctor: Thus showing your distinct lack of imagination.
> and lied saying people who had ABSOLUTELY
>NO INVOLVEMENT INTEREST IN DOING DOCTOR WHO actually had. I misused
>Jason Bell's and Area 9's Mindspring accounts without their knowledge
>and without their say-so for an amazing four or five weeks,
Crow: Proving that any company that hires her as a consultant deserves
what they get.
> without it being known,
Tom: Hey, who keeps sending these "Ticklish man wanted" spams
from our account?
>without it being seen and without their okay. I deliberately lied to the
>fans for several weeks about
Crow: Bill Gates being the new Doctor.
> absolutely everything regarding the Doctor
>Who Animated Series,
Doctor: So she admits it!
Tom: I think she's using hyperbole. Bad, overdone hyperbole, too.
> and I was merely a little freelance writer
Crow: There are no little freelance writers, just little
freelance stories.
>mysteriously working on premises,
Tom: Walking through the halls and muttering to myself.
Crow: Carrying loaded weapons to work, scaring the clients with my
imitation of Elmyra Duff.
> every day, usually from nine to five.
Doctor: Not counting the hour you took off to stalk Fran Drescher.
>Gee, most freelance writers work out of their homes
Tom: Hunched over a computer, leering at pictures of Baby Spice and
never getting any work done.
> and are called in
>for
Crow: A browbeating from their editor for spelling all right "alright".
> assignments which they take and then leave the office to do them...
>but I was a freelance writer mysteriously
Doctor: Running around Los Angeles with a sandwich board advertising
Howard Stern.
> working nine to five... How
>interesting! I'm such a busy little beaver...
Crow (sputtering with laughter): Oh, God, it's too easy! I can't!
>I even faked Jason Bell's and John Lotshaw's signatures on documents
Doctor: And got away with it by breaking my writing hand afterwards.
>from them to Terry Jarvis
Crow: Jarvis, fetch my slippers and that letter from McDoodooloo!
> at Real Deal Pictures in London regarding a
>new version of Doctor Who.
Tom: All new! Doctor Who 4.0! You can use the discs for your
cyber-goth dresses!
> I'm an excellent forger
Crow (Rain Man): Definitely an excellent forger. I'm not wearing any
underwear.
> as well as a felon.
>I'm a hooker and a crack addict
Doctor: Must be a character on Days of Our Lives.
Crow: Or Crackhead Bob's long lost daughter.
> and I'm out to defame
Tom (singing): Defame, Defame! I want to rant forever!
> this one web
>terrorist who is innocent and how dare I attempt to do the series!
>Why, web terrorist ought to be the one doing it, shouldn't they?
>
>In closing,
Crow: Which means there's probably thirty more paragraphs, so let's go.
(all exit theater)
(*...2...3...4...5...6...)
(Doctor is sitting at counter, fliping through Doctor Who Magazine)
Doctor: Why would they junk any of my episodes? And who is this
John Nathan Turner person?
(Gypsy enters from right, staring at him)
Doctor (noticing her): Oh, hi... Gypsy, is it? What can I do for you?
Gypsy: Uhm, well, I... I don't get you.
Doctor (taken aback): Oh. Was it something I did? Is it an odor?
Gypsy: No. Well...no! I just don't get you.
Doctor: Would it help if I explain myself? Well, I'm half-human on my
mother's side, and I travel around in a TARDIS I stole after my
cousin tried to kill me. I've regenerated seven times, once just
because of a bump to the head. And apparently, a lot of people
argue with each other which of my incarnations was the best. Does
any of that help?
Gypsy: Well, sort of. I guess what I really want to know is...what's
your name?
Doctor: Uhm, well it's...no, that isn't it. Wait, I know! No, that was
the Master's name. I know it ends in Lungbarrowmas. Let me think
about it for a while. (exits right, shaking his head in confusion)
Crow (entering from left): Did it work?
Gypsy: Nope.
Crow: Damn! And I bet Tom it was Fred.
(sirens start blaring)
Crow: THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS SIGN!!!