[MiSTing] "Attention All Heavy Hitters" NEW
Tjats
-START TRANSMISSION--
[fade in to SOL break room, which looks just like the Ghost Planet
break room. Mike, Servo, and Crow (painted green and wearing a blue
vest) are sitting at the round table.]
MIKE: I...I got dumped by my girlfriend last night.
SERVO: That's good.
CROW: It took her *that* long? Wow, she's even stupider than
what you described to us!
MIKE: Crow! That's enough out of you! [breaks down into tears]
I can't do the show tonight.
SERVO: Come on, Mike. Pearl'll kill us.
MIKE: Well, okay.
[the planet logo takes the place of the Ghost Planet in the theme.
Space Ghost Coast to Coast plays.]
SCIENCE FICTION THEATER 1,000,000,000
[as the music dies down the planet logo hovers into position on
bottom right of screen. Pan out through door seven, which closes
as Mike invisos inexplicably in front of Cambot.]
MIKE: Hello! Welcome to SFT1B Coast to Coast! I am Mike Nelson!
And this is Crow!
[shot of Crow, still in costume, sitting inside a circular
synthesyzer.]
CROW: Kiss my asteroids!
[desk]
[beat]
MIKE: Well...
[editing room] Servo is watching on a monitor.
SERVO: Get to the show already!
[desk]
MIKE: Alright! Alright! Play me to the desk, Crow.
[Crow plays Torgo's theme as Mike walks behind the desk.]
MIKE: Well, then! Our guest tonight is the lovely but deadly--
CROW: Uma Thurman!
[editing room]
SERVO: Allotta Vagina!
[desk]
MIKE: Pearl Forrester!
[hexfield opens on Pearl, sitting next to Picard's chair]
MIKE: Welcome to my show, Pearl Forrester!
PEARL: Oh, cut the Space Ghost crap and listen up! Here on the
Enterprise the nice old captain has granted me access to old
Usenet postings, so now I can use a search option to get the fics
I really want! I typed up "Deep hurting" and got thousands of
results! Hahahahaha!!!
MIKE: Uh...alright. That's good. So, tell me, Pearl, how are
you feeling today? Are you getting enough hydrogen?
CROW[now wearing an orange vest]: Oxygen!
MIKE: Oxygen, right.
PEARL: Forget me! You'll be the one worrying about that if
you don't read the fanfic this time!
MIKE: But last week it wasn't my fault! The 'Bots hit me with
a clown hammer!
[er]
SERVO: Mike, you're slipping out of character!
[desk]
MIKE: Oh, uh... So, Pearl, what is today's fanfic?
PEARL: You've got *two* of 'em today, Mike! Your short feature
is called "Check This Out", and your main DHBS is a spam called
"Attention All Heavy Hitters!" And you won't have Space Ghost's
power bands to protect you! Bwahahahahaha!!
[hexfield closes]
MIKE: Well...um...
*movie sign*
MIKE: Uh, oh, it's movie sign!!!
\...VI...V...IV...III...II...o
[Mike, Servo and Crow enter the theater]
>Subject: Check this out!!!
CROW: You think it's nude pictures of the Spice Girls?
>From: sbde...@algorhythm.net
MIKE: Wow, I wonder what that was named after.
>Date: 3/24/1999 12:02 AM Eastern Standard Time
>Message-id: <hl_J2.16175$134.1...@tor-nn1.netcom.ca>
SERVO: www.technojargon.org
>
>Mime-Version: 1.0
>Content-Type: multipart/mixed; boundary="PART_BOUNDARY_CQKNQVTATS"
CROW: Hey, aren't cqknqvtats the currency of the Kaxon Ogla?
>
>
>
>--PART_BOUNDARY_CQKNQVTATS
>Content-Type: text/html; charset=us-ascii; name="test.html"
MIKE: Uh, oh, we didn't study.
SERVO: Don't worry Mike I think I can handle this test.html.
>Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
SERVO: = 3bit + 4bit
>Content-Disposition: inline; filename="test.html"
SERVO: "Please ignore."
>Content-Base: "file:///C|/test.html"
SERVO: uh...euqxgrrr.shtml//!
>
><BASE HREF="file:///C|/test.html">
SERVO: hmm...kr.com/bunyipwacky!
>
><HEAD>
SERVO: ...bone's connected to the--neck bone!
><TITLE></TITLE>
SERVO: "Dem Bones, Dem Bones"
><SCRIPT language="JavaScript">
SERVO: Location of song lyrics.
><!--
CROW: That's one messed up chat face.
SERVO: No talking while I'm taking the test!
>B = open("http://members.tripod.com/clubguide/index.html")
>blur(B)
SERVO: Sonic.
>//-->
SERVO: A happy X-Man?
></SCRIPT>
SERVO: None for this episode.
></HEAD>
SERVO: I thought I answered that already.
>
>
>
>--PART_BOUNDARY_CQKNQVTATS
>Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii
>Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
SERVO: Name/rank/serialnumber/sex/age/o...@aol.combat!
MIKE: Okay, Servo, that's enough.
>
>
>
>
>
CROW: Oh, I guess it's over.
[Mike and the 'Bots leave the theater.]
o...II...III...IV...V...VI...\
[desk]
MIKE: Now let's bring out our next guest, the writer
of that text file we just saw!
[hexfield opens on a fax machine]
MIKE: Um...
[beat]
[Crow, who is wearing a blue vest]
CROW: [blinks using Zorak blinking sound]
[beat]
[er]
[long beat]
[desk]
[beat]
MIKE: Thank you, fax machine!
[hexfield closes]
--INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION--
--RESUME TRANSMISSION--
[Mike, Servo, and Crow enter the theater]
CROW: That sure was pointless.
>ATTENTION ALL HEAVY HITTERS:
>
>
MIKE: You are needed to bust open my locker. I forgot the
combination.
>The "Micro Business" concept is now EXPLODING!
CROW: Micro bombs: Hide them in your friend's cereal and watch the
fun!
>
>Definitely taking the networking community to a higher
>level of "Consciousness" and "Success"!
>
SERVO: Note the quotation marks.
>Discover how the "Micro Business" takes all the strengths
>from both MLM and the FRANCHISING industry and collectively
>creates a far more lucrative environment for those in search of the
>original promise "PERSONAL FREEDOM"!
>
CROW: Is this just some kind of joke?
MIKE: I guess this is a sort of spam *fanfic*.
>Honestly-- aren't you tired of "Duplicating"? The only thing that
>has ever been duplicated "SUCCESSFULLY" in MLM is FAILURE! Am I right?
>
SERVO: Huh, people? Huh?
>The "Micro Business" concept was designed personally for you!
MIKE: Designed by you for you to confuse you.
>
>NOTE... Serious Inquiries for Sneak Preview!
>
SERVO: Secret tapes of the Clinton trials!
>We currently have a need for distributors from each of 3
>categories . . .
CROW: The mob, employed by the mob, or targeted by the mob.
>
>Power hitters to immediately experience a massive income
>by working with us to promote and build this concept.
MIKE: Power hitters? Like Babe Ruth and Mark McGwire?
>
>Experienced leaders who will help with the training and
>development of their organization.
SERVO: Okay, all we've established so far is the target audience.
>
>
>HUGE monthly checks IMMEDIATELY!
CROW: Get paid for nothing!
>Remember... this IS NOT MLM!
MIKE: Whatever that is.
>Those who would really like to quit the rat race
>involved with their programs and FINALLY learn how to REALLY
CROW: ...screw up their lives should try this!
>make money on the Internet!!!!!
SERVO: Virtual counterfeiting!
>We WILL teach you! It's all a part of this EXPLOSIVE new marketing
>concept.
>
MIKE: It's called "blood money."
>YOU'LL "NEVER" HAVE TO JUSTIFY THE HIGH PRICES OF
>YOUR PRODUCTS AGAIN!!!
SERVO: Just have your thugs take care of anyone who complains about
them!
>No more MLM middlemen!!!
>
>Please respond by clicking the appropriate email link below.
>
>WE DO NOT USE
>AUTO RESPONDERS!
>
CROW: So that means we'll have to wait three months before hearing
from them.
>You will be contacted by a corporate principal or leader in person!
>
SERVO: Yes, it's the Corporate Hierarchy Hotline!
>I'm highly experienced and would like to personally discuss this
>concept. No commitment here, but I do want info.
SERVO: If someone won't commit then why will they even consider hiring
him?
>Click Here: mailto:brys...@iname.com?subject=Player_wants_info
>
>
>I have reasonable experience and would be highly interested in a
>profitable scenario with a huge commission and comp structure,
>that involves training and developing an instant organization.
MIKE: Just add water.
>Click here: mailto:brys...@iname.com?subject=Leader_wants_info
SERVO: How can you be the leader if you don't know anything?
>
>I've been really trying to generate additional income from home,
>but nothing has worked for me so far.
CROW: I even tried faking an aplication for wellfare.
>I'm very interested in hearing
>about an honest, fair and highly profitable "work at home" business.
SERVO: That scentence right there is what made this spam "science
fiction."
>If you'll REALLY train me so I can do this and not just tell me my
>sponsor will help me, and give me all the tools, (tools I never really
>learned how to use effectively anyway!)
MIKE: Uh, oh. Denied!
>then I'd like more info. But
>I can't make any monthly commitments and can't spend much money. I
>need a real program that works not just another MLM with false
>promises.
SERVO[advertiser]: Then why are you talking to us?
>Click Here: mailto:brys...@iname.com?subject=Real_Program
>
>Thank you for your time and consideration. We will be responding
>IN PERSON.
CROW: Yeah, they'll show up at the door with a big check and the
guy's gonna think he won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes.
>Please allow us a few days to get back to you.
>Your request is important to us!
>
>Jeff and Mardene Smith
>Master Distributor
MIKE: That was interesting.
SERVO: Let's go.
[They leave the theater]
o...II...III...IV...V...VI...\
[desk]
MIKE: Please say hello to our next guest, Counselor Deanna Troi!
[hexfield opens to Troi sitting in a chair with a black background.]
TROI: Hello, Mike Nelson.
MIKE: Hello, Troi. So tell me, how does it feel that you can sense
a person's emotions like a mood ring?
TROI: Is that what you think I am? A common color-changing stone?
MIKE: Well, I...
[er]
SERVO: Uh, oh. Heh, heh.
[Crow]
CROW[wearing an orange vest]: Hey, Troi, how did you get Riker to
shave off his beard?
[desk]
TROI: Well, you see, Betazoids not only can read thoughts, but can
plant thoughts as well. Plus I used these. [indicates you-know-what]
CROW: Ooooooh.
MIKE: Crow. Now, Counselor, how do you feel about your mother?
TROI: I don't know, how do I feel about my mother?
MIKE: Uh, that's what I asked you.
TROI: Oh, so now you want to know what *I'm* feeling, too?
I have only a one-way ability, but you have to make it round-trip?
MIKE: Uh...
[er]
SERVO: This is bad.
[desk]
MIKE: Look, Troi--
TROI: Shut up, big-face. I can see I'm not appreciated here.
MIKE: Er...
[Hexfield closes]
CROW[wearing a blue vest]: Good one, Captain Kangaroo.
[end SGC2C theme]
written by: Jim Whaley
featuring:
Mike Nelson: Michael J. Nelson
Crow: Bill Corbett
Tom Servo: Kevin Murphy
also featuring:
Pearl Forrester: Mary Jo Pehl
with:
Deanna Troi: Marina Sirtis
fax machine provided by Confuse Tech
All MST3K characters and situations are trademarks of Best Brains, Inc.
All Star Trek characters and situations are trademarks of Paramount
Pictures. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for
entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights
or trademarks held by Best Brains Inc. or Paramount is intended or
should be inferred.
No insults are intended to anyone refered to in this MiSTing.
Any alteration or reproduction of this MiSTing without permission is
seen as a direct violation of material and is not allowed.
based upon MST3K created by Joel Hodgson
special thanks to:
Best Brains, Inc.
Ghost Planet Industries
All you people who love to laugh
303 Imitation
c1999 by Jim Whaley
This has been a Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 production
contact Jim Whaley at
tj...@aol.com
-----------------
other episodes of Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000:
101: The Cartoons Combined
102: Off-Road Brawl
103: The Odyssey part 1: The Adventures of Odysseus
104: The New Season
201: Total Turbulence
202: The Ultimate Celebrity Deathmatch
203: Are You Ready to Get $40,000 in 6 Weeks with Only 8 Bucks???!!
204: Sonic Fights Robotnik 6: The Final Battle!
205: The Seminar
206: Inside the Void: King Acorn's Plight
207: The Neelix Claus part 1
208: The Neelix Claus part 2: Merry Christmas Mr. Chakotay
299: The MiSTing Authors' Own Fanfics Reviewed
301: The Neelix Claus part 3: The Starship Captain that Neelix Claus Forgot
302: For Whom the Gavel Pounds
303: Attention All Heavy Hitters
All can be found easily on Web Site Number Nine,
located at http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k
Jim, that Mistie
#90212
"Can he pony?" -mad scientist
"*Can* I pony!?!" -Observer in gold bikini
-----------------
My next MiSTing: ep. 303-"Attention All Heavy Hitters"
-----------------
***9 episodes left.***