[Misting] 57 Million Email Addresses - Only $149!!
alexg...@my-deja.com
shh! It's a secret!)
Misting by: Alex Gariepy (alexg...@home.com)
Era: CASTLE (Mike and the 'bots versus Mads Pearl, Observer, and Bobo
at Castle Forrester)
WS #9 sections: AD (Advertisement)... that is all.
Author's note:
Okay, time for something small. After going over the top with 'The
MST/FF Wars' I decided to MST something simple... i.e. an e-mail spam.
Nothing extra-ordinary, but it will save everyone from reading over
200k of stuff. Anyway, yes, this does take place a month after 'The
MST/FF Wars', but just because of the host segment I have planned.
Enjoy!
Quick note:
Special thanks to those who proofread this.
Told you it was quick. :P
Technobabble/disclaimer:
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters are copyright
(c) 2000 by Best Brains, Inc. This MSTing is merely intended for
entertainment purposes only, no infringement on the original trademarks
held by Best Brains, Inc. or any other company was intended nor should
be inferred. This MSTing is not intended to insult/injure/scar anyone
mentioned, nor does it exactly hold the opinion of Alex Gariepy.
(Turn down your lights... there are vampires trying to watch this.)
(Season 10 Opening Theme)
(Door sequence)
(SOL-bridge. Crow is alone at the counter. Cambot is looking at him
from a familiar angle as he once again goes on the computer. The screen
is tilted so that we can't see it.)
CROW: About time! It's been about a month since that I couldn't go on
the (turns to Cambot, dramatic music plays, Crow resonates his voice)
INFORMATION SUPER HIGHWAY!... (normal voice) and now that I am free to
go on the (dramatic music, resonated voice) INFORMATION SUPER
HIGHWAY!... (normal) I can now get back to my work... oh, my work? It's
called hacking. Yep, I'm a hacking machine, all thanks to the
(dramatic) INFORMATION SUPER HIGHWAY! (normal) I love that music, it's
catchy.
(Crow ahems, now remembering something.)
CROW: Oh, hi everyone. I'm Crow T. Robot, and welcome to the Satellite
of Love. I know a lot of you are wondering what I've been getting into
lately... (Cambot zooms closer, as Crow whispers.) Hacking. (Cambot
zooms out a bit. Crow talks normally.) That's right. I've been surfing
along and have been breaking into computer systems and pirating
software. (He looks around, then whispers again.) Mike, Tom, and Gypsy
are not supposed to know about this, so could you all be a little
quiet, hmm? Good. Now to work!
(Crow begins typing away at his keyboard.)
CROW: Alright. Let's see... first I need to download some files, so
I'll just go to a search engine other than Webcrawler and search
for 'hacking tools'.
(He types a bit, but just as we expect to see him hit the
famous 'Enter' key, a buzzing sound is heard.)
CROW: What do we have here? (Looks at screen.) "That information is
restricted, you naughty, naughty, naughty, naughty, naughty yellow
cow."? What in St. Paul?
(He types rapidly again, same buzzing sound.)
CROW: "That information is restricted, you naughty, naughty, naughty,
naughty, naughty yellow cow."... oh, playing the wise guy, eh? I'll
show you!
(He types once more, buzz.)
CROW: "That information is restricted, you naughty, naughty, naughty,
naughty, naughty yellow cow."! ARRRRRRRRGHHHHH! What is going on?
(Cambot zooms back to show Tom and Mike enter stage left, both
laughing.)
CROW: YOU! You did this!
MIKE: (Trying to hold back his laughter.) That's right Crow... while
you were in your little time-out, Tom and I did some tweaking of our
own, and downloaded one of those Internet blocking programs. Oh, we
also worked on the security of the program, so even you can't hack it.
TOM: Who's laughing now?
CROW: We'll see! (Begins typing rapidly)
TOM: He's trying to hack in! Stop him!
(Mike comes in and yanks Crow from the computer. Crow pretends not to
move, and Mike seems to have difficulty moving Crow.)
MIKE: What are you doing?
CROW: I'm using non-violent resistance... beats violent protests...
MIKE: Oh please, just give up already!
CROW: Nuh-uh! Won't budge!
(Commercial sign)
MIKE: We'll see after these words from our sponsors. We'll be right
back...
(Mst3k bumper)
MIKE: Crow... quit making this harder on yourself!
TOM: I'll get the sedative.
(Commercials. Two words... Battlestar Gallactica! Those Cylons sure
stock up on plenty of turtle wax. Ironically enough, the next
commercial is just about that. Weird.)
(SOL-bridge. Crow is seemingly resting on a chair behind the counter,
as Tom and Mike stare at him. The computer is no longer there.)
MIKE: Tom, did you really have to sedate him? And how can you sedate a
robot?
CROW: (Speaking oh-so-light-headed) Hiiiii Mike! Servo! I'm going to
killlllll you! Ha... ha... ha...
TOM: It's the only way, Mike. He needs to learn that hacking is bad.
Period.
MIKE: I know that, Servo, but...
(Mads' sign)
MIKE: Never mind, it looks like Judge Judy is calling.
(Castle. Pearl seems to be watching Observer and Bobo as she looks
aside from the left. Observer and Bobo are seated at a table, facing
each other, with a computer screen at each of their respective ends.
Bobo is holding what appears to be a Sidewinder joystick, while
Observer just stares at the screen.)
PEARL: (to Observer) Brain Guy, I have an experiment to run here! Could
you lay off the first-person shooter and get your butt over here?
OBSERVER: (still staring at the screen) In a moment, madam. I merely
have to finish destroying this pathetic ape and I will be there.
BOBO: Nuh-uh! I got the big weapons and all health! You'll never...
(A few blasts and bangs are heard before Bobo's screen flashes. We
assume he lost.)
OBSERVER: You are apparently unaware that you stepped on one of those
nuclear mines that I have planted. I have defeated you again.
BOBO: No fair! You use your brain to move your guy!
OBSERVER: The fact that I use something you don't does not change the
fact that you lost.
BOBO: Hey, I... oh.
PEARL: (to the screen) Anyway, Nelschnitzer, your experiment today is a
somewhat small e-mail spam entitled "57 Million Email Addresses - Only
$149!!". I must admit it's not the worst thing out there compared with
all the Ratliffs, Winstons, and McElwaines, but it is going to hurt. If
not, at least it'll tickle. Send them the spam, Brain Guy!
OBSERVER: Yes, madam.
(Observer does that famous sound he does.)
(SOL. Lights, buzzers, etc.)
CROW: (still sedated, looking at the screen) Are you my mommy?
TOM and MIKE: AAAAAAAAH! WE GOT SPAM SIGN! (Usual panic ensues. Mike
pushes the
button.)
(Door sequence)
(Theater. Mike carries Tom to his seat. After a while, Crow walks in.)
CROW: I hate you.
MIKE: It seems the sedative wore off.
TOM: You should know better than to take up hacking.
CROW: (whining) But everyone does it!
TOM: It says specifically in your part of Robot Roll Call. "I'm
different!" How about that, huh?
CROW: I still hate you.
MIKE: Guys... later.
>Date: 19 Sep 99 12:52:31 AM
CROW: A date that will live in apathy.
>From: fun...@ibm.net
TOM: IBM's stock goes down just a bit, and look what happens... they
resort to spamming.
CROW: They're taking it a little too hard, it seems.
>Subject: 57 Million Email Addresses - Only $149!!
MIKE: That's about 56,999,999 e-mail accounts too many.
>To: gun...@ibm.net
TOM: Hint to IBM. When selling a product, try to sell it to someone
who's *not* an employee.
>Reply To: gun...@ibm.net
TOM: The husband of Brynhild, the brother-in-law of Sigurd, and the
brother of Gurdan.
MIKE: That's 'Gunnar', Tom, and since when do you care about mythology?
CROW: I think all those Scandinavian movies have finally gotten to him.
>
>
> 57 MILLION
> EMAIL ADDRESSES
> FOR ONLY $149
CROW: That's the title, don't wear it out.
>
>
> You want to make some money?
MIKE: No, I wanna be a junkie when I grow up.
>
> I can put you in touch with over 50 million people at virtually no
> cost.
CROW: $149 is 'virtually no cost'? What? Has our economy boomed THAT
much?
>
> Can you make one cent from each of theses names?
TOM: The secret? Selling names to Meadowbrook Press.
CROW: Baby-naming books. What would we do without you?
>
>If you can you have a profit of over $500,000.00
MIKE: Well, thanks for telling us that the guy can do math, let's move
on.
>
> That's right, I have 57 Million Fresh email
>
>addresses that I will sell for only $149.
CROW: He makes e-mail addresses sound like fresh fruit.
TOM: (customer) Hey, this e-mail address is just ripe!
> These are all
>
>fresh addresses
TOM: They all have a Glade Plug-in for their addresses.
> that include almost every person
>
>on the Internet today, with no duplications.
MIKE: All 57 million of them, huh?
CROW: He must've spent most of his spare time counting them all.
> They are
>
>all sorted and ready to be mailed.
CROW: Hey, our little spammer is Santa! He's sorting them in
either 'Naughty' or 'Nice'!
TOM: Now that's thorough!
> That is the best
>
>deal anywhere today!
MIKE: Seeing how on a Sunday most stores are closed.
> Imagine selling a product for
>
>only $5 and getting only a 1/10% response.
CROW: All responses, of course, have either 'Up yours!' or 'Bite me!'
in their e-mail.
> That's
>
>$2,850,000 in your pocket !!!
TOM: But that would only happen if the responders decide to pay with
Monopoly money instead.
CROW: And that's if they're lucky.
>
> Don't believe it?
TOM: Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.
> People are making that kind of
>
>money right now by doing the same thing,
MIKE: Copycats.
> that is
>
>why you get so much email from people selling you
>
>their product....
CROW: The Mads' made them?
> it works!
TOM: Neutrogena T-Gel shampoo?
CROW: Buckley's formula?
> I will even tell you how to
>
>mail them with easy to follow step-by-step
>
>instructions I include with every order.
CROW: Even instructions on how to send e-mail?
TOM: Spamming for dummies.
>
>I will send you a copy of every law concerning
>
>email.
TOM: You have the choice of either Iraqi or Chinese law.
> It is easy to obey the law and make a
>
>fortune.
CROW: Ha ha, yeah right!
MIKE: Well, crime doesn't pay, Crow.
CROW: Then how come the mafia always have nice suits and guns?
MIKE: Union rules.
> These 57 Million email addresses are
>
>yours to keep,
TOM: They were mine to begin with?
> so you can use them over and
>
>over and they come on 1 CD.
MIKE: Darn, it only works for the Sega Genesis' CD.
>
>This offer is not for everyone.
CROW: This offer is only for suckers, spammers, and people who like to
monitor practically everything.
>
>If you can not see the just how excellent the
>
> risk / reward ratio in this offer is then there is
>
>nothing I can do for you.
MIKE: Let's see. $149 on one hand, and 57 million e-mail addresses on
the other. Let's see... I'd rather buy a Nintendo 64 for $149 than pay
for a bunch of used e-mail addresses!
>
>To make money you must stop dreaming
CROW: After all, dreaming is for losers.
TOM: (spammer) Quit chasing dreams, they only make you think. Thinking
is bad... wasting money on schemes like this is good!
>
>and TAKE ACTION.
>
>
>****************************************
MIKE: Uh, I don't like the look of that mob coming this way.
>
>THE BRONZE MARKETING SETUP
>
>57,000,000 email addresses on CD
TOM: (Announcer) Coming in October... 57,000,000 email addresses... on
tour! Tickets are on sale now!
CROW: I like their music, and the female guitarist... rowrr!
>
>These name are all in text files
TOM: How do they cram all that graham?
>
>ready to mail!!!
>
>$149.00
CROW: (Eric Idle) Money money, money money. Money money, money money...
>
>****************************************
MIKE: Here comes another human wave!
>
>THE SILVER MARKETING SETUP
TOM: Hmm... is there a pattern I see here? Nah.
>
>57,000,000 email addresses on CD
MIKE: System requirements... Pentium 133 or higher.
TOM: Windows 95 or above.
CROW: 50 GB of free memory.
MIKE: I don't have that much on my computer.
CROW: When did I say it was computer space?
>
>These name are all in text files
>
>ready to mail!!! AND
TOM: (Announcer) But wait! There's more! Act now and receive this
Juicinator 3000! It fits right in your pocket, and it's FREE!
>
>Several different email programs
MIKE: Anything but AOL.
>
>and tools to help with your mailings
>
>and list management.
CROW: Hmm, does anyone want any third-party programs?
TOM: Anything to beat Microsoft.
(Crow groans.)
>
>$ 189.00
TOM: This deal just keeps getting better and better! (pause) Not.
>
>****************************************
MIKE: I doubt this spam would warrant 40 stars.
TOM: Amateur movie critics...
>
>THE GOLD MARKETING SETUP
CROW: And the Gold goes to the USA! Woo!
(The 'bots cheer.)
>
>VIRTUALLY EVERYTHING!!
MIKE: But the virtual kitchen sink.
TOM: Virtually everything? Does it come with a Michael Bolton album?
CROW: I sure hope not.
>
>57,000,000 email addresses on CD
MIKE: (spammer) We'll have it on hardcover in a month.
>
>These name
TOM: No. These doctor. These patient. These nukie. These wolf.
CROW: Hmmm... doesn't seem right somehow.
> are all in text files
>
>ready to mail!!! AND
>
>Several different email programs
CROW: All of which are Y2K-compliant... (tries to suppress a chuckle)
>
>and tools to help with your mailings
>
>and list management.
>
> AND
MIKE: We'll also add this collection of 'Space: Above and Beyond'
episodes.
TOM: Ooooo... one season of FOX sci-fi! That oughta speak volumes.
>
>Over 500 different Business Reports
CROW: Which are just as reliable as BRE-X.
>
>now being sold on the Internet for up to
>
>$100 each. You get full rights to resell these
>
>reports.
TOM: Seeing as they are drawn and written by kids.
CROW: (Reader) Oh look, the little smiley face has gone up 3 points.
MIKE: Oh, it's beating the stick figure too.
>
>With this package you get the email addresses,
MIKE: (spammer) And no, we did not just make them up by just putting
'a...@hotmail.com', 'b...@hotmail.com', 'c...@hotmail.com' and so forth.
>
>the software to mail them AND ready to sell
>
>information products.
>
>AND ......
TOM: Some periods to throw in, FREE!
>
>.. a collection of the 100 best money making
>
>adds currently floating around on the Internet.
MIKE: Hey, Pearl! Perhaps you would like to buy into this scheme.
PEARL: (off-screen) Well... forget it! I'm not stupid!
TOM: (to Mike) Way to go, Mike. Now she can't get them.
MIKE: It was my plan all along.
PEARL: (o.s.) I heard that!
MIKE: D'oh!
>
>$ 249
TOM: I'm gonna wait a few years for the price to decline.
MIKE: It's not a video game he's selling, Tom.
>
>*************************************************************
CROW: Who would've thought a simple spam would bring so many ASCII
people to hold hands in peace?
TOM: I feel at one with myself!
>SEVERAL WAYS TO ORDER !!!
TOM: What? No 'Platinum Marketing Setup'?
MIKE: Yeah, what a disappointment for the spammer. Now he can't jack up
his price to $349.
>
>IF YOU ORDER BY PHONE OR FAX
CROW: (spammer) We will laugh at you even more as we take your money
and vamoose.
> WE WILL SHIP YOUR CD CONTAINING THE
>57 MILLION + NAMES WITHIN 12 HOURS OF YOUR ORDER!!!
TOM: You mean there's more than 57,000,000 addresses? I'm confused.
MIKE: We all are, Tom.
>
>
> 1) WE ACCEPT:
MIKE: We reject.
TOM: Whole-heartedly.
> AMERICAN EXPRESS OR
>
> VISA
CROW: It's everywhere you want to be.
TOM: Except heaven.
> <> MasterCard
CROW: Computer software, $49. Internet connection for a month, $29.
Annoying someone with e-mail spams, priceless.
TOM: There are some things money can't buy.
CROW: For everything else, there's MasterCard.
>
> TYPE OF CARD AMX / VISA / MC??_______________
MIKE: Hmmm... I hate choices. Surprise me.
>
> EXPIRATION DATE ___________________________
TOM: Let's see... January first, nineteen ninety-eig... er, I mean,
twenty-two fifty-five... yeah, that's it.
>
> NAME ON CREDIT CARD________________________
CROW: What I wouldn't give for those credit cards with personalized
lettering on them right now.
TOM: (spammer, reading) 'Get bent'?
>
> CREDIT CARD #________________________________
(All laugh nervously.)
MIKE: I must say this is one of the most confidential and trusting
forms I have seen.
TOM: Can I take that with a ton of salt?
MIKE: Go ahead, but you'll dry up.
TOM: I rather die of dehydration...
>
> BILLING ADDRESS ____________________________
CROW: (spammer) We need to find SOMEONE to scheme on next...
>
> CITY_________________________________________
(All look around for a moment.)
CROW: City?
TOM: Satellite of Love, population undetermined.
CROW: Hey, just like Mexico City!
MIKE: Servo? What do you mean?
TOM: I can't count all the nanites.
MIKE: Oh.
>
> STATE________________
MIKE: So far, sane.
> ZIP_____________________
CROW: Now if only the spammer can zip it.
>
> PHONE INCLUDE AREA CODE___________________
TOM: (spammer) Into the tele-marketing scam you go! Mwahahahaha!
>
> EMAIL ADDRESS______________________________
CROW: Insert e-mail address joke of your choice.
>
> WE WILL BILL
MIKE: Is it me or is Bill Clinton in on this?
TOM: Well, he has to find some sort of income after he leaves.
CROW: I can think of one job he can try...
MIKE: Let's have none of that, Crow.
CROW: What? What's so offending about a garbage collector?
MIKE: Um... oh. Never mind.
CROW: (mumbling) Ha... sucker.
> selected amount to your account plus the
>following shipping costs
>
> SHIPPING COST OF 3.85 FIRST CLASS MAIL
TOM: Yes, take the most expensive shipping costs available! Why didn't
I think of that?
>
> SHIPPING COST OF 15.00 24 HOUR EXPRESS MAIL / FEDERAL
> EXPRESS
>
> SALES TAX added where required
MIKE: Canadians will have the added luxury of paying two taxes!
TOM: Unless you live in Alberta.
MIKE: Oh, and a foreign exchange thing too.
>
>FAX your order and a copy of your SIGNED check
CROW: (spammer) I don't want no stinking stamp. I want an autograph...
er, I mean, signature.
> payable to Cyberdata
TOM: What's with this whole 'Cyber' naming, anyway? Cyber 9, Cyber
-optics, Cyber Knuckles...
CROW: CyberS...
MIKE: Crow.
CROW: ...ix. What?
MIKE: (sighs) Never mind. I'm losing it.
>
> for the appropriate amount to;
>
>530-895-8470
>
>
> 2) Fax the same above requested credit card
>
>information to 530-895-8470.
CROW: (spammer) And don't you dare trace it! Oops... lost my
professionalism... heh heh. Nothing! Nothing!
>
>
> 3) Call phone # 530-872-6591. This is a 24 hour phone
>
>number
TOM: He DOES have too much time on his hands! There's the proof!
CROW: That's not good. Half of his income will go to buying coffee.
> to place a CREDIT CARD order. This is an ORDER LINE only.
MIKE: (spammer) Complaints will be disregarded.
CROW: (spammer) Your money is more important than your opinion!
Mwahahahaha!
>
>ALL INFORMATION NECESSARY FOR YOU TO SUCCESSFULLY MAIL, QUICKLY,
TOM: (spammer) Yes, the quicker you send it in, the quicker I can leave
for my vacation at Acapulco.
>PROPERLY, LEGALLY
CROW: Now there's two words that don't belong here.
> PROVIDED WITH ORDER
>
>
>Copyright 1999
>
>All rights reserved
>
TOM: Hey, I didn't know you can copyright spam.
CROW: All rights reserved? What rights?
MIKE: The right to swindle. Come on, let's go.
CROW: (as Mike and the 'bots leave) Ah, I love democracy!
(All leave theater)
(Door sequence)
(SOL-bridge. Everyone is in their respective positions.)
MIKE: Look, Crow. We can't let you do your hacking when you're breaking
international law.
CROW: But everyone does it!
MIKE: I'm sorry, Crow, but my mind is made up. The Net Nanny stays, and
we will be checking every now and then to make sure you don't go
hacking into other systems.
CROW: Not even Pearl's?
MIKE: Not even... what?
TOM: Mike, don't listen! He's trying to pull you into his twisted world
of hacking! Come back to the light side!
CROW: Come now, Mike. Think about it. If we hack into Pearl's system,
we could delete all fan-fictions and spams from her memory. Not only
that, we may even get to the controls of the Satellite and bring it out
of Pearl's grasp, forever! How about that, Mike? Hacking could get us
out! Huh? Huh?
MIKE: No, Crow. The ends will not justify the means. My position stays.
CROW: (whining) Miiiiiike!
(Mads' sign)
MIKE: Not now, the Mads are calling.
(Castle. Observer and Bobo are back at their computers. This time,
however, Bobo seems to have some sort of weird mechanical hat on his
head. Pearl is back where she was.)
BOBO: Ha ha! We'll see who has the last laugh now. I have with me
the "No-brainer Sidewinder"! It'll read my thoughts and I'll use it to
think just as fast as you could, thus beating you at last in this game!
OBSERVER: I'm so sure, ape. We will see.
(The screens flash, and cheesy fighting music plays.)
PEARL: Well, Mike, robots. It looks like you survived this experiment,
but don't think that I am through with you yet. I have a wide selection
of spam and fanfics to torture you with, and one will eventually break
you down! And then, I will rule the world, just like Clayton would've
wanted it.
(SOL)
MIKE: On the other hand, Crow, maybe just this once. But only for this.
CROW: I'm way ahead of you, Mike. (They exit, stage left.)
(Castle)
BOBO: Alright, now to destroy you once and for all! Ha ha... hey! It's
not working! My no-brainer's busted.
OBSERVER: Was there every any doubt?
BOBO: No fair! Maybe it needs more thinking. (Bobo tries to think
hard... and a
few sparks fly from his 'hat'.)
OBSERVER: I'm almost there.
BOBO: No! Must... move... player! (Bobo tries some more, and more
sparks fly.
After a lot of 'thinking', the no-brainer explodes, and all the lights
in Castle
Forrester are shorted out.)
(In the dark...)
BOBO: Owie...
OBSERVER: Apparently he shorted out all the circuits here. It seems
that the no-
brainer is incompatible with his brain... if he has any.
PEARL: Brain guy! Get to work in repairs! NOW!
OBSERVER: Yes, madam.
BOBO: (Groaning) Ohhhh... (A faint thud is heard.)
(End credits, then the familiar "Twang!")
(Keep circulating the posts.)
> I can put you in touch with over 50 million people at virtually no
> cost.
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.