[MSTing] New Beginnings (DBZ, PG-13)

[Freezer]

<< MYSTERY SCIENCE FREEZER EPISODE #15: New Beginnings>>
<< Co-MSTed with Chan-Wu Yi>>

{{ FINALLY! This sucker is done! Seriously, the riffs have been
done for nearly six months, but I just couldn't get myself to hunker
down and write the host segments. And for the delay, I apologize to
Chan-Wu Yi - my co-MSTer this time out and to Runa27 over at the
GAFF forums. Finishing this is holding up my promised MSTing of one
of her earlier works. As for the fic itself, as (I think) I've said
before: if it weren't for the major league breaks in canon and the
ever-present, ever-potent Krista, this would be a pretty good fic.
Usagi Hoshiko does put together a rather readable fic - regardless
of _other_ issues. :)

And <shameless plug check out Usagi's webcomic
[http://www.hiddendisguises.com/] It's a good read.

And on with the disclaimers:

Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and all related characters are the
property of Best Brains, Inc. "New Beginnings" is property of Usagi
Hoshiko. "Do You Care?" is copyright ESPN/Capital Cities.

And as always, comments/C&C/flames/death threats can be directed to
mysterysciencefreezer-at-yahoo-dot-com

WARNING: This MSTing contains riffs referring to, inspired by,
and/or ripped off from:

The Beatles, Murphy Brown, 8-Bit Theater, Eminem, Harry Belafonte,
Beetlejuice, "Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory", "New York,
New York", Starship Troopers, ESPN's Cheap Seats, Mortal Kombat,
Time Killers, Smash TV, Monty Python's Life of Brian, MST3K Episode
404, "9 to 5", The Four Tops, "Moonlighting", "Cheers", Weird Al
Yankovic's Albequerque, Airplane!, Star Wars, The Ref, "Sink The
Bismark", "It's Walky!", MST3K #507, "Third Rock From The Sun",
South Park, and Television Without Pity. }}

[[ Season 3 theme song. Sing along! You know the words! ]]

[We open with a shot of Joel, Tom, and Crow standing around a water
cooler.]

CROW: This is the year, Tommy. This is the year I clean up in the
Final Four pool!

TOM: You say that every year. And every year you do something
insane that blows up your bracket.

CROW: Like you've never picked four 15-seeds for the Final FOur!

TOM: You need to play the percentages, Crow! You need go with the
traditional 5 over the 12. Never pick four #1 seeds! Never bet on
the white guy... Oh, wait! Wrong sport!

CROW: Anyway, what do you say, Joel?

JOEL: Well... I don't really pay that much attention to college
basketball. I sorta have a system.

TOM: You're not one of those "A tiger can beat an eagle" people are
you?

JOEL: ... Not exclusively... I also do colors. Y'know - primary
colors beat secondary. That sort of thing.

CROW: And just how do you keep winning the pool every year?

TOM: Either way, this is my...

[Tom is interrupted to the sight of TV's Frank (In a bathrobe)
walking into the foreground, sitting down at a table, and unfolding
a newspaper.]

CROW: [Whispering] What's he doing here?

TOM: [Whispering] I don't know! Joel, say something?

JOEL: Umm... Good morning, Frank?

FRANK: [Tips his coffee mug towards them] Morning fellas.

[Dr. Forrester (also in a bathrobe) enters the bridge]

Dr.F: Morning, Frank.

FRANK: Morning, Steve. Coffe's right behind you.

Dr.F: Thanks. You done with the sports?

FRANK: Sure. [Hands over section of the paper]

CROW: Um... Can we help you, gentlemen? Get you anything? Cream?
Sugar? What the hell are you doing on The Sattelite?

Dr.F: No. We're good. But now that you mention it, where is the
creamer?

FRANK: To your right, second shelf.

TOM: Okay, casual isn't working... Ahem... WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
DOING UP HERE?!?

DR.F: What do you mean? Didn't you get my email?

CROW: The only email we got that looked like it was from you guys in
the last week was some 5k piece of gibberish about grouting our fish
with ketchup.

FRANK: Oh... Must've forgot to turn off the spam-filter defeaters.
My bad!

DR.F: Well the reason we're up here is because Deep 13 is being
fumigated.

JOEL: Roaches?

DR.F: [Stares meanacingly at Frank] Tribbles...

FRANK: Look, I said I was sorry!

DR.F: Long story short, we needed a place to crash for a couple of
days while they fumigate. So here we are.

TOM: What? The local Best Western was full?

DR.F: Do you know what they charge at those places?

FRANK: Look on the bright side: You don't have to come up with an
invention exchange this week.

DR.F: And before you ask - yes, you do have an experiment. It's
from your old friend Usagi Hoshiko.

FRANK: Have a blast with the sequel to "Life's Surprises" - "New
Beginnings!" It's Kristariffic!

[The Movie Sign alarm goes off]

ALL: WE GOT MOVIE...

TOM: HOLD IT! Hold it, guys! If they're up here, that means they
can't shut off the air if we don't go into the theater!

CROW: Hey yeah! No crappy fic for us this week!

JOEL: Yeah! How do like them apples! TOM: Yeah!

CROW: Yeah!

[Dr. Forrester calmly pulls out a remote control and presses a
large, red button. A plexiglass shield drops in from the ceiling.]

DR.F: You were saying?

JOEL: Um... We were saying "MOVIE SIGN!"

[All scurry off]

[ 1 ]...[ 2 ]...[ 3 ]...[ 4 ]...[ 5 ]...[ 6 ]...[ * ]

CROW: That was dirty pool! I'm filing a grievance!

> I felt that dividing this storyline up into several fics, like my
> original Senshi/Trooper fics would be much more potent than all in
> one very long fic.

CROW: Thank heaven for small favors...
TOM: [British] Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word
"potent" that I wasn't previously aware of.

> This is turning out quite well.)

CROW: ...If you're a *masochist*! Bwahaha!

> As always, I own only those whose names you don't recognise.

TOM: I claim sole ownership of "Gshsoufoudsch!" JOEL: <CHUCKLE!>

> If you watch DBZ,

TOM: Report to De-Animetising Camp #3J for re-education.

> then obviously

CROW: ...This fic will make you "Disgruntled Postal Worker" mad.

> that's only quite a few. If you don't watch DBZ, then, well, you
> might well assume I own everybody. I don't.

CROW: [Usagi] Just Brad Pitt. So there! Nyah!

> A/N: If you haven’t read up to and including the third book of
> Harry Potter

JOEL: [Usagi] You need to pick up the pace! Come on! Chop-chop!

> (that would be YOU, Ami-chan!) then don’t read this, it contains
> part of the story.

TOM: [Usagi] Don't worry - I ripped off the best parts!

> Not much, but then Harry Potter is best experienced all at once.

CROW: Spoken like someone who hasn't seen how big books 4 and 5 are
yet.

> Ch. 1 (Talk of Harry Potter and buried emotions)

TOM: o/~ Long, long time ago. In a galaxy far away... o/~

> I guess I’m so easy to understand.

JOEL: [Krista] No words over two syllables!

> I just do whatever comes to me naturally.

JOEL: Violate the continuity of all you survey?
CROW: You call it "Violation," they call it "Creative License."
TOM: [British] o/~ Awl I hafta do is...Act Naaa-turally! o/~

> Sweet sweet you’re so sweet.

JOEL: Such deep, life-changing lyrics!

>I’m not simple minded.

CROW: [Krista] I'm just really, really dense!

> -I just felt that Amy from Sonic Adventure was grossly
> underrepresented in my fic songs.

TOM: Think pink, baby!

> Krista reported to her tactical station and immediately continued
> running

TOM: [Krista] AAAAHHHH! IT'S AFTER ME!

> the diagnostic of the launching pads she'd been running the day
> before.

TOM: Oh...
CROW: We now return you to Star Trek: DBZ, already in progress.

> They'd been malfunctioning, not giving enough thrust to launch the
> capsules into space or not giving any thrust at all.

JOEL: The wrecks were starting to pile like snow drifts.
CROW: You know, a little Viagra'll clear that right up.
TOM: Come on, Crow. Viagra jokes are *so* last Thursday.

> She sighed. Murphy's Law, she supposed.

TOM: "Boost ratings through unwarranted attacks by an unpopular
Vice-President?"

> Whatever can go wrong will.
>
> She looked up as Frieza entered the Command Centre.

CROW: ...And added a tally to the " ___ Days since I blew up a
subordinate" board.

> He gave her a curt nod and walked around the other stations.

CROW: So the Supreme Evil Overlord of the Multiverse bows his head
to... Krista?
TOM: Sir, the Mary-Sue detector's reading off the scale!

> She smiled faintly.

JOEL: [Krista, weakly] Was it good for you? Heh-heh...

> Only a couple of weeks into her career here on the planet and she
> was already beginning to settle into a routine.

TOM: Wake up, go to work, fear for life, go to sleep. Rinse,
repeat.

> Morning, Sergeant.

JOEL: [Krista] I KNOW NOTH... Er... Good morning, sir!
TOM: [Frieza] All right, who's creating words out of thin air
again? I said that's not funny!

> Good morning, Sir, she thought a little absently as Zarbon entered
> the Command Centre. She could almost feel Zarbon's shadow of a
> smirk.

TOM: [Krista] Back off, smirk! I'll cut you, man!
CROW: Playing the part of Zarbon - Fred Durst.

> A little busy?

TOM: [Krista] Oh just trying to keep the reactor from overloading
and killing everyone on the planet! Not busy at all!
CROW: [Frieza] Out loud, people! I'm the boss, need the "info".
Throw
me a frickin' bone, here!

> If I don't get these launching pads back on line, I'm done. Krista
> informed him.

JOEL: So, err, how do we tell the telepathy from the narration,
again?
CROW: And didn't she just shoot less-than-happy thoughts at
Frieza?
TOM: And hasn't been blown into a scorch mark yet, yes. But
remember, in this universe, Frieza is a manic-depressive who
switches between the trigger-happy bastard we know and Lou
Grant.
JOEL: Thanks for the recap, Tom!

> So far, I've tried everything I could think of,

JOEL: [Krista] Both of them!

> every diagnostic, but there's no answer. I don't know what else to
> do.

CROW: [Krista] This is seriously harshing my buzz, man!
TOM: Sooo, you've run all the standard tests, and that didn't fix
it, so you're stumped? Some engineer...
JOEL: You make Baby Scotty cry!

> Tell Lord Frieza when he comes over.

JOEL: [Zarbon] Then start begging. He likes that.

> You're not our most skilled technician, you know.

CROW: [whistles] Ouch!
JOEL: A little tension in Frieza's office, there.

> You've done all you can.

CROW: [Zarbon] Wasn't much, but still...

> Krista sighed both inwardly and outwardly. I suppose so...but I
> wish I could do more...

JOEL: [Krista] But I'm just a dumb ol' *girl*!
TOM: [Zarbon] Well, who do you think you are, some sort of ubergirl?
Oh... Wait.

> Don't stretch yourself Sergeant, Zarbon warned her.

JOEL: [Zarbon, southern accent] We don't take kindly to no pers'nal
devel'pment round heah.

> It wouldn't be a good idea if you had a breakdown.

CROW: [Zarbon] Y'know, like the launching pads here... Sorry.

> Krista was pondering this when Frieza stepped over to her.
>
> "How are you doing, Sergeant?"

JOEL: [Krista] PLEASEDONTKILL... Err.. Fine, sir!
TOM: [Frieza] Found out why I don't have telepathy yet?

> "Sir, I've been working on the Launching Pad problem, but I can't
> seem to find an answer," she informed him. Frieza frowned.

TOM: [Krista] Forgive my intense stupidity, sir!
CROW: [Frieza] You're SOOO getting a lump of coal in your stocking.

> "You've done all you can, Sergeant.

JOEL: [Zarbon, whiny] Frieza, I already said that!
TOM: See, he *can* read minds!

> Stand down and work on something else for a while."

TOM: [Frieza] There's some Mad Libs under the table.
CROW: [Frieza] Go fail at something else to take your mind off
failing, you failure.

> "Yes sir," she said softly. She stood and moved to another
> tactical console, choosing to take inventory of their weapons
> stores.

JOEL: [Krista] Let's see... 250 bullets... 126 shotgun shells... 96
energy units... Wait a second...
TOM: So not only can she choose her own job duties, when she can't
do her job, he lets her pick a new one?
CROW: Man, that Frieza's a heck of a boss!

> That wasn't so hard, was it?
>
> Oh quiet.

TOM: Now, was that an inner voice, or was that more telepathy, or
the narrator...?
JOEL: Italics, underlining, brackets! Differentiate, Usagi,
differentiate!
DR.F: [Over intercom] Actually, the telepathic stuff _was_ in
italics, in the original. But that doesn't translate into text.
TOM: Oh... Guess that explains that.
ALL: Sorry, Usagi!

> This time, she actually saw Zarbon's smile

TOM: [Krista] Hey, I should open my eyes more often!

> as he checked up on the security stations. She shook her head and
> tapped a few buttons on her display, bringing up the charge meter
> on the lasers.

CROW: [Krista] This'll teach Private Zkatx to park in *MY* spot!!!

> "So what happened then??"

JOEL: [Krista] Oh, I killed my entire class. Sad, really...

> Krista grinned. Mere was turning into quite the Harry Potter fan.

CROW: [Krista, sinisterly] One by one, my legions grow! Excellent!
JOEL: Soon she'd be initiating Mere into the coven and teaching him
prayers to *Satan*!

> She smiled.

TOM: [Krista, brightly] Time to die!

> "Well, Harry was awoken by Ron's scream and a ripping sound.

TOM: [Krista] Ron had gotten hold of some "Every Gastric Distress
Beans."

> When he got out of bed, Ron's curtains had been ripped to shreds
> and Ron was claiming that Sirius Black had been standing over him
> with a knife.

JOEL: [Krista] And a fork. Very disturbing.
TOM: [Prof. McGonagall]*Weasley*, are you and Seamus playing
'Murderer and Victim' again?

> When he'd screamed, though, Sirius had ran."
>
> "That's odd," Mere said.

CROW: [Mere] I never saw that one in the movie!

> "If Sirius realized he'd gotten the wrong bed,

JOEL: [Sirius] Someone's been sleeping in *my* bed!

> why didn't he just silence him and move on to Harry?

CROW: [Mere] Or better still, why didn't he just summon ki and blow
the entire castle to Hell?
TOM: [Musquo] It's what I would've done!

> For that matter, how'd he get past the painting of Sir Cadogan?"
>
> "I can answer the second question now, but not the first," Krista
> smirked.

CROW: Mere answered her smirk with a right cross, and then all hell
broke loose.

> "Spoils the story.

> JOEL: <COUGH!>hewasafterscabbers<COUGH!>

> Anyway, remember Neville had written Sir Cadogan's passwords for
> the week down on a piece of paper?

TOM: [Mere] Yeah, he got them by ceding the Sudetenland.
CROW: A little shout out to you WWII buffs out there!

> Somehow Sirius got hold of it and read off the entire weeks
> passwords, and Sir Cadogan let him in."

CROW: That wouldn't have happened if that was a picture of John
Ashcroft, by God!

> Musquo chuckled as Mere's eyes widened. "What did Professor
> McGonagall do to him??"

JOEL: [Krista] He brought out the honey and the nipple clamps,
and--Sorry, wrong book.
TOM: [Krista] Gave him to the local Black Mage. A bit harsh, but
examples needed to be made.

> Krista opened her mouth to answer when Musquo chimed in.

JOEL: [Musquo] Why are we going on and on about Harry FRIKKIN'
Potter!?!

> "Knowing her, probably transfigured him into a rabbit, or maybe an
> owl."

TOM: [Musquo] Yes, yes! A rabbit! And then she'd set the hawks
after him! And he'd run and run and run and the hawks would
finally catch him and there'd be blood! Oh yes - so much blood!
Heh heh... Er... What was the question again?

> Krista grinned. "That would have made it more interesting...she
> just gave him detention and forbid him to receive the password
> again. And the Fat Lady was brought back."

JOEL: Anna Nicole Smith?
TOM: D'oh!
CROW: [Anna Nicole] C'mon, y'all! Gimme the password!

> "After her picture was slashed?" Kuao asked incredulously.

JOEL: Oh yuck - Hermione/Fat Lady fics!
BOTS: EWWWW!!!

> "The Fat Lady always struck me as having more sense than that."
>
> "She does," Krista giggled. "She didn't go back until Dumbledore
> agreed to give her

TOM: Missiles!

> a security detail, which came in the form of some gnomes."

CROW: Trolls, actually. But I still like Tom's idea better.

> Krista stretched. "Enough Harry Potter talk.

TOM: [Krista] Don't wanna get sued for plagiarism.

> Mere, you were telling me earlier about the different men who've
> been here?"

JOEL: Oh, WOW!
CROW: I didn't know this was _that_ kind of military!
TOM: [Mere] The girls made a killing to-night, Madam!

> Mere grinned. "Of course. Where was I?"

CROW: [Mere] Oh yeah! So there I was, getting paddled by Vegeta...

> "You were speaking about arrogance..."

CROW: [Mere] Right! But, enough of about Krista...
ALL: BA DUM BUMP!

> Kuao said solemnly, though he was grinning as well. Mere nodded.
>
> "Of course. Arrogance.

ALL: [Whispering] Calvin Klein!

> Well, as you can imagine,

TOM: [Mere] ...Krista is the central figure in *any* such
discussion.
CROW: [Krista] HEY!!!

> many men here are guilty of that little defect. The stronger you
> are, the more arrogant you seem to become. So, of course that well
> is topped by the Ginyu Force, who's considered Lord Frieza's
> personal army.

JOEL: Er... Wouldn't *Frieza* himself be at the top?
TOM: Details, details...

> "Then again, Zarbon himself comes pretty close to their level, as
> well."
>
> "Don't I know it," Krista said, rolling her eyes and smiling.

JOEL: [Krista] But his ego's no match for mine!

> Musquo nodded.

CROW: [Musquo] Damn right!

> "Of course he's entitled, being the second-in-command. However, he
> can get pretty, well...

CROW: [Krista] I know... <SIGH!> Dreamy!

> annoying. Most of the men really don't like him, but put up with
> him. If any of them thought they could stand up to him, they
> would."

TOM: [Mere] But since we're all spineless pusses, we never will.

> Krista smirked. "Then maybe I should."
>
> Kuao raised a brow. "Oh?"

JOEL: [Kuao] Feeling suicidal, are we?
TOM: [Kuao] Since when does 'stand up to him' mean 'huddling in a
corner whimpering "Please don't hurt me"'?

> "Yes. I mean, I did hold him off when we were fighting on my
> planet. Come to think of it, I believe Lord Frieza called a halt
> because he was afraid I'd beat his poor little soldier." She
> looked up at the expressions on their faces.

JOEL: [Krista] Convinced of my superiority yet?
TOM: Begin adulation of Mary-Sue in 5...4...3...

> All three registered complete shock.

ALL: [The trio] YOU'RE HIGH!

> "Y-you're a match for Zarbon?" Musquo finally squeaked.

TOM: [Musquo] Surely the author herself walks with you.

> He shook his head, then looked up at her, an entirely new respect
> for her in his eyes. "No matter what happens, you continue to
> astound me," he said, smiling. Krista suddenly flushed.

CROW: [Krista] Woo! I feel five pounds lighter! JOEL: Eww...

> "I'm not that outstanding-"

JOEL: [Musquo] Oh, really? Forget it, then!

> "Tell me," Mere said. "Were you one of the strongest on your
> planet?"

> Krista sighed.

TOM: [Krista] Do I have to do all your thinking for you?
JOEL: [Krista] Wait... Is "my planet" the same as "my own little
world?"

> "I wish. I was only a novice. Probably still am."

CROW: Truth hurts, don't it?

> Mere glanced at his companions, and saw that they were thinking
> the same thing:

ALL: SHE'S HOT!!!
[CROW wolf whistles.]

> If this girl was a novice, what would their strongest have done?

JOEL: And why did he let Frieza run off with Krista?

> He glanced at her again.

TOM: [Krista] What did I tell you about glancing at me?

> Something told him that she was going to shake the compound before
> she left.

CROW: He remembered today was "Bean-a-Palooza" at the cafeteria.

> She grinned.

JOEL: [zoo guide] See how the Mary-Sue reacts when basking in the
praise of lesser beings.

> "You want to talk Arrogant, but you haven't mentioned Vegeta yet!"
>
> Musquo laughed. "I was getting to him.

TOM: [Musquo] But then you jumped in with the 'holding off Zarbon'
thing, and I figured no one could top that.

> Actually, I've not met a sayajin yet that wasn't somewhat
> arrogant. Of course, they deserve to be..."

CROW: [Musquo] Well... The two and a half that are still alive,
anyway.

> She sighed and flopped back on her bed.

JOEL: Uh, I think the scene just changed...
TOM: Okay, scene changes definitely should not begin with a pronoun.
CROW: [Whistles] Here, Scene Change Marker!

> She turned over onto her stomach and began to

ALL: [Nervously] HEY HEY HEY *HEY*!

> put the finishing touches on the picture.

ALL: WHEW!

> She began singing to herself softly in Japanese.
>
> "Arashi no naka o kazenukete,

CROW: o/~ Yachi hachi nurunai coconuts o/~

> Yume ga mienai dark night.

TOM: It's the "Batman" theme in Japanese!

> Hitori oshiyo dakishimenaiede.
>
> Ikazuchi yo hashire anata no moto e,"

TOM: o/~ We wira at tacku pera haba! o/~
JOEL: We apologize to anyone who was offended by that last line. The
person behind it has been sacked.
TOM: HEY!

> A soft chime from her door made her halt both activities.

CROW: [Krista] 'Bout time that pizza guy got here!

> She stood and opened the door. Just as she'd thought,

TOM: It was some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls
haircut and only one nostril.
JOEL: [Krista] Oh man, I hate it when I'm right!

> Zarbon was there. His visits had become daily, and he usually came
> about this time.

JOEL: Oh, WOW! CROW: No wonder everyone called him 'The Minute Man'.

> I haven't interrupted anything, Sergeant?

TOM: [Krista, sighing] No, nothing. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm
going to take a LONG cold shower.

> Nothing vital, she thought with amusement. Have a seat. I was just
> working on a new picture.

CROW: [Krista] It's called "Die, Zarbon, Die!"

> May I see? Zarbon thought with interest. Krista showed him. He
> frowned.

TOM: [Zarbon] You sure it's legal to do that with a turkey baster?

> He recognized the girl in the picture.

CROW: [Zarbon] MOM?!?

> It was the same young girl who, after killing Kui, had been killed
> by Lord Frieza.

JOEL: [Zarbon] Hmm... No... She's not nearly dead enough here.

> So you do remember Sakura Avalon, she thought, gently tugging the
> picture away from him.

CROW: [Zarbon] Let's see...boiled away into space when we
disintegrated her planet? Um, blown up by a colored energy
blast? Err...punched to death seventy-million times in a
poorly-animated fight sequence? Am I getting warmer?

> I wasn't sure you would. After all, here her thoughts became
> tinged with bitterness. What's one more casualty, and a child at
> that?

TOM: [Zarbon, blissfully] A lot of fun, eh what? Ah, memories...
Wait - that was that "sarcasm" thing again, wasn't it?

> A sigh reverberated through her mind. Did everything go all right
> today?
>
> Fine as usual, Commander.

CROW: [Krista] We swooped in, killed everything that moved, and ate
everything that didn't.

> You really ought to give me some credit. I know now to come to you
> if something's wrong.

TOM: Of course, it took nearly getting raped by Dodoria to hammer
that lesson home. But don't let that spoil the mood!

> Zarbon was silent a few moments, keeping his thoughts to himself.

JOEL: [Krista] C'mon, gimme your thoughts! TOM: [Zarbon] Nuh-uh!

> You are aware that you are up for a promotion?
>
> Promotion? For what?

CROW: [Zarbon] Survival.

> Zarbon smiled, and this time spoke aloud.

TOM: [Zarbon] Wait, force air from my lungs and shape it into
recognizable sounds? Bah! Only primitive lifeforms do that!

> "Promotions here are not based simply on accomplishments and
> merit,

JOEL: [Zarbon] They're based on how long it takes to power up your
unstoppable super-move.

> though that can be a great part of it. But those who are strong,
> especially skilled fighters, tend to be promoted. The stronger you
> are, the higher you promotion.

TOM: So Frieza runs a Klingon ship?
CROW: Screw leadership ability, then! All you need is a big gun and
the willingness to use it!

> And, you are a match for me," he finished.

JOEL: It's so big of you to admit that.

> "So, I'll be a commander?" Krista wasn't sure she was ready for
> such responsibility.

TOM: Given she was only eight...

> Zarbon laughed.

CROW: [Zarbon] HA HA HA HA HA HA no.

> Lieutenant more likely, he thought. You've got quite a few rungs
> on the ladder to go before you reach my level, though your power
> level may warrant it. Don't worry, Sergeant. If I'm right, and I
> usually am, then you'll have your time of command soon enough.

JOEL: [Zarbon] Hell, a few well-placed energy blasts, and you'll
make Major by next month!
CROW: Experience? Bah! Who needs it?

> I don't think I'm ready for anything like that just yet. I'll
> stick to being a soldier, thanks.

TOM: [Zarbon] "Soldier?" You're barely Sigourney Weaver from
"Galaxy Quest!"

> As you wish, he thought in amusement. He turned and left, hearing
> Krista pick up again, as usual, her song.

CROW: [Krista] o/~ You don't... Wanna f*ck with Krista / Cuz
Krista... Will f*ckin kill you! o/~

> "Soshite tsukaete We believe you,

ALL: o/~ Jump in de line / Rock your body in time o/~

> Ichiman boroto no We believe you.

ALL: o/~ Shake shake shake, senora! Shake it all the time! Okay, we
believe you! o/~

> Chikara o ageru yo Natural Forces.
>
> Minna soba ni iru kara ne.
>
> Daichimo mori mo. Kusa mo ki mo.
>
> Daijoubu we believe you..."*

TOM: I can't be sure, but I think she just tried to summon an Elder
God.

> Frieza watched his elite squad with a great deal of patience.

TOM: [Frieza] No! Look, its quarter-turn, step, stop, step!

> They were going through their new introduction routine. These
> performances always drew a crowd and this time was no different.

CROW: Ladies and gentlemen, the Jerk Du Soleil!

> Somewhere around seventy men had clustered around the area to
> watch. Zarbon was standing next to him, carefully registering no
> expression on his face.

JOEL: He'd found a crack on the Internet that let him register his
face for free.

> The squad continued with their introduction, seemingly indifferent
> to the grins and muffled squeaks of laughter that permeated the
> crowd. Krista wandered up and frowned.

TOM: o/~ They never let poor Krista / Join in any Ginyu games o/~
JOEL: [Krista] Those are the worst drag queens I've ever seen!

> What is this debacle?

TOM: Is it a Neo-Zero Double Blitzkrieg Debacle?
CROW: Tom, ix-nay on the anachronism!

> She asked with some amusement. Zarbon's own flittered back to her.
> Good word for it. This is how the Ginyu Force operates. They are
> ridiculous when they first introduce themselves.

JOEL: [Zarbon] The men call it "Practicing Wong-Fu" behind their
backs.

> It's an embarrassment, really. It reflects on all of us. But
> that's only to throw their opponents off guard. They then don't
> live long enough to be put back on their guard.

TOM: [Zarbon] But they're already strong enough not to need the
distraction. I think they're just hopped up on goofballs.

> She grinned and continued to watch the introduction. The small one
> with orange skin and white hair-quite handsome, she noted,

CROW: o/~ Oompa-loompa doopedy doo! Krista's got the fever for you
o/~

> looked directly into her eyes and an image filled her mind, one
> that made her flush hotly.

TOM: Again wit' da flushing!
JOEL: Might we suggest using "blush" in place of "flush," Ms.
Hoshiko? It tends not to inspire so much toilet humor.

> She quickly turned and walked to the other side of the room and
> sat.

CROW: Knees locked together. Image of Michael Moore in a Speedo
firmly in mind.

> What's wrong, Sergeant?

TOM: [Krista] They cancelled Big Brother! Noooo!

> That...nevermind.

CROW: [Krista] Your primitive intellect wouldn't understand alloys
and compositions and...things with molecular structures and...

> Krista....
>
> Well, that orange one...he looked at me.

JOEL: [Krista] He made me feel all funny!

> Krista flushed harder

TOM: [Krista] Don't *make* me get the plunger--
JOEL: [sternly] Okay! Enough!

> as she recounted in her mind the image which had been sent to her
> by him. She looked and saw Zarbon fix dark eyes on him.
>
> That's Jeice.

JOEL: Orange or grape?
CROW: [Jeice] That's 'Juice', sir.

> A so-called ladies man.

CROW: The part of Jeice to be played by Tim Meadows.
JOEL: [Jeice] I'm gonna buy her a fish sandwich!

> It appears the Ginyu may be gearing up to continue where Dodoria
> left off.

TOM: He's gonna try to rape Krista and end up getting vaporized by
Frieza?

> Krista paled. W-wh-wh-what??

TOM: [Kyle's Mom] WhatwhatWHAT?!
JOEL: HE... SAID... D'oh, never mind!

> Don't worry, He thought firmly. An image from Zarbon began to form
> in her mind, his putting his arms around her and holding her close
> but it was snuffed out before she could even really register it
> had existed.

CROW: [Krista] Wait... Did I hear violins?

> I won't let anything like that happen again. I swear to you.

CROW: [Zarbon] I'm a sensitive mid '90s megalomaniacal supervillain!

> Krista found herself oddly touched by his words.

ALL: BAD TOUCH!

> I-I believe you, she thought. But how do you intend to stop them?
> Aren’t they Frieza’s elite force?

TOM: [Zarbon] I plan on vigorously beating their fists with my
head!

> There is a reason why I’m second in command, Sergeant, Zarbon
> thought, not bothering to hide his pride. I’m not concerned, I can
> handle Jeice-or any of the others, for that matter.

JOEL: [Zarbon] I'm lying through my teeth, of course! Just the
thought of fighting one of them makes me wet myself!

> Krista smiled a bit and wandered back over to watch the almost
> humiliating spectacle of the Ginyu’s routine.

[Joel stands, and he and The Bots begin to dance in unison.]
ALL: o/~ Da! da! dadada! Da! Da! Dadada! Da! Da! Dadada-da!
JOEL: o/~ Start spreadin' the news! / I'm leavin'...to-day! / I wanna
be apart of it / Gin-yu, Gin-yu! o/~

> He was surprised by the success of his idea.

TOM: [Speaker] "CSI: South Park!" Brilliant!

> Perhaps adding the girl to his force hadn’t such a bad idea after
> all.

CROW: Of course, adding separate facilities for f'n everything was a
real bear!

> There had been no more reports such as the one he’d received
> concerning Dodoria.

JOEL: Increased reports of people-shaped scorch marks on walls went
ignored...

> She seemed to be making friends among the crew and her work was
> certainly above par.

TOM: She double-bogied her last daily report.

> I think you’ve really done it this time, he thought to himself. He
> grinned and went back to his other activities.

CROW: Um... That was supposed to be Frieza thinking, right?
JOEL: Don't know. I was too busy trying not to visualize those "other
activities."
TOM: I'll take "Ew" for $600, Alex!

> Ch. 2 (Getting slightly rough around the edges)
>
> Here I come,

TOM: o/~ Just-a walkin' down the street, singin' o/~
ALL: o/~ Do-wa-diddy diddy-dum diddy-do! o/~

> Rougher than the rest of them,
>
> The best of them,
>
> Tougher than leather.

JOEL: Stronger than dirt!
CROW: Tighter than Spandex!

> -Knuckles, Unknown from M.E.

TOM: That sound you just heard was Jam Master Jay spinning in his
grave.

> A/N: I’m sorry, but I loved this particular Seinfeld convo. I had
> to use it,

JOEL: After all, ripping off disparate material is what fanfic-
writing's all about!

> the space theme was too much temptation!! And to Zarbonslover,
> believe me,

TOM: [Usagi] ...Get some Nair, honey.

> you’re now the reason I’m writing this.

JOEL: So she's who to blame? Check!

> I’ll do a Zarbon/Jeice lemon after this,

CROW: Is that a promise or a threat?

> promise,

CROW: Ah... Still sounds like a threat.

> to repay your enthusiasm. Oh, and major Spoiler Alert for those of
> you who haven’t read The Prisoner of Azkaban.

TOM: Or seen the movie...

> Read it in it’s whole BEFORE you read this chapter. And don’t
> flame me if you don’t, I warned you.

JOEL: [Usagi] Now - on with the goofiness!

> ".... ‘Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Padfoot and would like to add
> that Professor Snape is an ugly git. Mr. Wormtail bids good day to
> Professor Snape and advises him to wash his hair, the
> slimeball.’".
>
>
> Kuao and Mere howled with laughter.

CROW: [Kuao, panicked whisper] What the hell are we laughing about?
TOM: [Mere] Just don't stop or she'll start blasting us, again!

> "Well Snape had it coming with that ‘Master of this school’
> remark," Kuao said. Krista giggled.

JOEL: Is that anything like being "Master of Your Own Domain?"
CROW: "Self-lovin' Snape!" Bad image! Bad BAD image!

> "I thought it was pretty funny myself."
>
> She had managed to grab a break with her friends

CROW: o/~ Gimme a break / Gimme a break / Give me a break from this
Plot-Less-Fic! o/~

> and now the four of them were sitting off to the side, talking.
> Krista felt as if she were in an episode of Seinfeld.

TOM: One of the really pointless ones, then?
JOEL: Then you _do_ mean, "An episode of 'Seinfeld'"
CROW: <GASP!> Comedic blasphemy!

> "So there’s really a Kryptonian on your planet?"

TOM: [Krista] Actually, he's from Duluth. He's a naturalized
Kryptonian.

> Krista nodded. "Yep. His name is Kal-El."

JOEL: [Krista] But we generally called him "Skippy."

> Musquo blinked. "Son of Jor-El?

TOM: [Musquo] COME TO ME, SON OF JOR-EL! KNEEL BEFORE MUSQUO!

> I’ve heard of him, he’s quite famous about the galaxy."

TOM: [Musquo] He was even on the front page of the Milky Way Times.

> Krista smiled. "Yeah, he’s cool.

JOEL: [Krista] Not as cool as me, of course!

> We call him Superman, though."
>
> "Why Superman?" Mere asked.

TOM: [Mere] Why not "The Masked Kryptonian" or "Bob"?

> "What can he do that other men can’t?"

CROW: [Krista] Well... There's this thing he does with his tongue...

> "Um, lessee...he can fly...

TOM: Well, *that'll* certainly impress the cast of Dragonball Z...

> he’s faster than a speeding bullet,

TOM: [intoning] ...More powerful than a locomotive. Able to come
back from the dead with a single bad haircut...

> they say

JOEL: [Kuao] You just described *US*!

> ...he’s known as the Man of Steel..."

CROW: At least to the ladies! TOM: Hey now!

> "Wait," Musquo said.

JOEL: [Musquo] I thought _I_ was the "Man of Steel!"

> "The Kryptonians never could do that on Krypton."

TOM: [Musquo] They were pusses. I pantsed Jor-El everyday in high
school!

> Krista shrugged. "My brother explained it to me a while ago,

CROW: [Krista] He am smart!

> when we were preparing for you guys. Apparently Krypton had a red
> sun. Since our sun is yellow, it interacts with his DNA somehow
> and

CROW: [Krista] ...Turns him into Bette Midler.

> makes almost all aspects of him...well, super."

JOEL: Y'know, *some* things are better left unexplained.

> How’s his humour?" Mere asked. Krista shrugged.

TOM: [Krista] I don't know... "Humourous?"

> "I don’t know. A normal sense of humour, I suppose."

CROW: [Krista] Wait, I mean "Super!"

> "You mean to tell me," Mere said. "That all these other aspects of
> Kal-El’s personality would become super because of the yellow sun
> of your world, and he wouldn’t get super humour?"

JOEL: [Mere] I'll go with you on the sun-colour-grants-superpowers
thing, but come on, the guy's gotta be funnier than Gallagher!

> Krista shrugged again. "I’ve never heard him say anything
> particularly funny."

TOM: [Krista] We call him "Tom Green-Man" behind his back.

> Mere chuckled at this, then stretched and sighed. he opened his
> mouth to ask if there actually were any visible portions of
> "super-ised" personality on the part of Superman,

ALL: NOOOOO!!!
TOM: Mere, buddy! Are you trying to tell us something?
CROW: Not that there's anything wrong with that!

> but cut himself off as Frieza strode into the room.

ALL: WHEW!
CROW: And out of nowhere, it's Frieza with the save!

> Salutes were given around the room and Frieza nodded.

TOM: [Frieza] Yes, yes, I'll have you all flogged for saluting
indoors.

> "At ease..." he smiled. "Troops, the time has come four our
> tournament."

JOEL: [Frieza] And I know you guys are just the best darned "Magic:
The Gathering" players out there!

> At once excited whispers broke out around the hall. Frieza waited
> for everything to die down before speaking again.

TOM: Frieza, waiting for people to stop talking rather than
imperiously ordering them to be silent?
JOEL: Or just blasting a couple to make his point?
CROW: Who are you, and what have you done with Frieza?!?

> "The rules are as last year. We will be holding simultaneous
> fights for the first three rounds. After we’ve eliminated the
> unworthy, we will begin pitting you against the Ginyu."

TOM: [Random trooper] Why are you trying to get us killed, sir?

> Musquo smirked. "Maybe they’ll actually lose this year."

CROW: [Frieza] No, because they'll be cheating.
TOM: Lotta smirking going on round here.

> "You’re serious?" Krista said softly. "The Ginyu have always won?"

JOEL: [Musquo] Yeah... They're the John Wooden of Fightin' and
Killin'.

> "There’s never been anyone here strong enough to stand up to
> them," Kuao said. Mere grinned.
>
> "That may have just changed, though."

TOM: [Mere] Superman's here?

> Krista blinked. "You mean...I can enter?"

CROW: And just what makes you SOOO sure they were talking about you,
Little Miss Ubergirl?
JOEL: [Mere] Sure, honey. The more fodder, the better.

> "All soldiers can enter," Musquo said. "Traditionally, the prize
> is a spot on the Ginyu. But ever since Jeice won several years
> ago, no one’s beaten the Ginyu."
>
> "But you can do it," Kuao said.

CROW: [Bela Karoli] You can do eet, Krista!
JOEL: [Kuao] You'll Mary-Sue them to death!

> "I’m almost sure you can."

TOM: [Kuao] At least fifty per cent. Maybe twenty. Okay, you don't
have a chance. I'm trying to get you killed so I can have your
room!

> Krista looked thoughtful. A tournament...

JOEL: [Krista] ...*That's* what these countless hours of ping-pong
training have been for!

> He was almost sure that she would enter. He’d heard from various
> crewmen how she’d fought while on Earth. If she was as good as
> people said, and it was a real possibility, then she’d almost
> certainly make it to the final round.
>
> And he’d be waiting.

CROW: Tuxedo Mask, no!

> You’re not entering?
>
> No, Krista thought as she continued her sketch of the Samurai
> Troopers.

TOM: [Johnny Riconiki] Come on, you Ronin! You wanna live for ever?

> There’s no point. I wouldn’t win.

JOEL: [Krista] And I like my face in its current number of pieces.

> Who’s to say? Zarbon asked her as he sat next to her. You’re an
> excellent fighter. You could be up to the Ginyu’s level...with a
> little coaching.

JOEL: [Zarbon] ...And me with a folding chair when the ref's back is
turned.

> Krista groaned.

CROW: [Krista] Why haven't I killed you yet?

> That’s how I got into this in the first place.
>
> Do you know how I became Second in Command? Zarbon asked her
> suddenly.

TOM: [Krista] You mean that thing with the ferret and the nipple
clamps?
JOEL: [Zarbon] No, no... That's how I got my parking space.

> Krista shook her head. Zarbon smiled a bit.

TOM: [Zarbon] Have you looked at Frieza's feet? Pedicures. Lots of
them.

> It was a tournament. Like the one coming up, except it was
> specifically for the purpose of getting a new Second in Command.

CROW: [Zarbon] ...Except it wasn't rigged to kill you. DAH, I
mean...
TOM: So if I read this right, if things bounce the right way, even
a
meathead like Recoome or Nappa could be Frieza's second?
JOEL: Well, it's not like Frieza's lieutenant needs to do anything
more complicated than yell "SHAPE UP OR I'LL KILL YOU!"

> What happened to the old one?

JOEL: [Zarbon] Traded him to Galaxia for a Senshi to be named later.

> Zarbon smirked. He had a little...accident.

TOM: [Zarbon] He accidentally shot himself. In the back. With a
shotgun.

> Let something slip out to Lord Frieza he shouldn’t have.

ALL: Ewww! CROW: Let that be a lesson - NEVER forget your Beano!

> In any case, I myself was only a Sergeant at the time. It’s quite
> possible for, say, a Lieutenant to make it into the Ginyu force.
>
> Krista sighed and stole a sideways glance at Zarbon.

TOM: YOINK!!!

> You’re willing to train me? Why?

JOEL: [Zarbon] It's in the script.

> Zarbon smirked again.

CROW: [Zarbon] I just can't get enough 'Eye of the Tiger'.

> It’s a mater of pride, Krista. You nearly beat me. I’ve been
> beaten by the Ginyu since.
>
> And you don’t want me to lose to them after I’ve beaten you.

TOM: Wait, wait, I thought she *almost* beat him.
CROW: Maybe she jumped ahead in the story?

> It’ll make you look weaker, is what you’re saying.

ALL: BUSTED!!!

> So do you accept?
>
> Krista grinned. It would be nice to experience another style of
> fighting. She grinned. I accept.
>
> She later wished she hadn’t.

JOEL: It was the biggest waste of time since "American Idol: The
B-Sides."

> She had thought Vegeta was a tough taskmaster. She hadn’t seen
> anything.

CROW: She had to keep her eyes covered until the game of Hide & Seek
started.

> When she wasn’t on duty, she was out and about the planet, being
> trained by the now rather strict Zarbon for hours at a time.

BOTS: Kinky!

> Zarbon launched himself into the air and began launching several
> volleys at Krista, who agilely avoided them,

TOM: [Zarbon, sighing] Krista, you're supposed to *hit* the
ball....

> weaving in and out of the blasts until she came level with him.
> She aimed a last at him,

JOEL: Zarbie, watch out for her deadly 'last'!

> which he barely had time to dodge. They began going at it,

JOEL: Oh, WOW!
CROW: Did they even pause to take their clothes off?

> each blocking the other’s strikes before attacking themselves.

TOM: 'Attacking *themselves*'? No wonder they can't beat the Ginyu!
JOEL: [Zarbon] I'm kicking my own ass, do you mind?!

> The rebounded off of each other,

TOM: We're... Not talking about fighting anymore, are we?
CROW: Heh... I hope not!

> a light sheen of sweat on both brows.

JOEL: Insert romance novel euphemism here.

> Zarbon grinned a little deviously.
>
> "I almost wish I’d gotten a chance to fight you all the way
> through, that would have been interesting."
>
> "I’d still have beaten you, you know."

JOEL: [Zarbon, sighing] I know... I understood it the other fifty
times you said it, too.

> Zarbon’s grin widened. "And now I remember what made you such a
> good opponent."

TOM: [Zarbon] Your empty bluster.

> Krista formed her energy. "Come on, you said you were going to
> train me for the tournament, not talk!"

CROW: [Zarbon] But I was going into Toche Station to pick up some
power converters!

> You’d prefer something else? Zarbon asked with amusement.

TOM: Hi-yo, innuendo! AWAY!

> Krista sent five blasts at him in answer. Zarbon laughed and came
> at her.

ALL: EEEEEW!
CROW: He's the Peter North of martial arts!
JOEL: "New Beginnings": Blurring the lines between sparring and sex.
TOM: Let's roll, fellas.

[ 6 ]...[ 5 ]...[ 4 ]...[ 3 ]...[ 2 ]...[ 1 ]...[ * ]

[We cut back to the bridge of the SOL. Standard three-shot of Joel
and The Bots]

TOM: Joel, I really don't wanna do this. It feels like cheating.

CROW: Suck it up, Tommy! If I'm doing it, you're doing it.

JOEL: Come on, guys! It'll be fun! Just think of it as borrowing
something from someone who's borrowed from us. [louder] Hey,
Cambot!
Hit the music!

MUSIC: o/~ Just the facts - Mystery Science Theater Do You Care!
o/~

TOM: I feel so dirty...

[Close up on Joel with a <WHOOSH!>]

JOEL: Do you care... That Akira Toriyama originally planned to end
Dragonball Z after the Freezer Saga, but his publishers pressured
him into making more?

<WHOOSH!>

CROW: Do you care... That the ridiculous length of the final battle
with Freezer was intentional on Toriyama's part to try to kill DBZ's
sales? As was Goku staying dead at the end of the Cell Saga?

<WHOOSH!>

TOM: Do you care... That the Buu Saga was Toriyama's way of saying
"Be careful what you wish for" to his publishers?

<WHOOSH!>

JOEL: Do you care... That Toriyama was only involved with character
designs of Dragonball GT? Or that allegedly, Vegeta's flattop and
mustache were only supposed to be in-house jokes?

<WHOOSH!>

CROW: Do you care that the real Freezer would've blown the entire
cast of this story into dust by now rather than deal with the
conflict?

<WHOOSH!>

TOM: Do you care that Krista and Zarbon's inevitable consumation
would be considered a crime in twenty U.S. states?

<WHOOSH!>

JOEL: Do you care that by the time that happens the sixth Harry
Potter book - "The Half-Blood Prince" will have been released?

<WHOOSH!>

CROW: Do you care that I ate a bad batch of ram chips and I'm
feeling a bit gassy at the moment?

<WHOOSH!>

TOM: And do you care that... WE GOT MOVIE SIGN!!!!

[All scurry off]

[ 1 ]...[ 2 ]...[ 3 ]...[ 4 ]...[ 5 ]...[ 6 ]...[ * ]

[All re-enter the theater]

TOM: Okay, that was kinda fun! But, um, Crow? You were kidding bout
the gassy thing, right?
CROW: No comment.

> Krista watched, a little anxious as Mere battled with another of
> the officers.

JOEL: It's the Ultimate LAPD Fighting Championships!

> The being aimed a corkscrew blast at Mere, which was easily dodged
> before Mere counter-attacked. Zarbon was judging the competition,
> along with Captain Ginyu. Mere aimed an attack at his opponent,
> unaware of the blast that had already been sent...until it was too
> late. Zarbon nodded.

CROW: [Zarbon, to Captain Ginyu] You got any idea what's going on?

> "Mere loses. Mitberv wins."

TOM: FATALITY!

> Krista gulped. She was next.

JOEL: Wait, hold on, fic. Let us catch our breaths after that
exciting battle.

> Musquo clapped her on the shoulder. "Good Luck," he said softly.
> Krista frowned.

CROW: [Krista] Who said you could touch me?

> Gambatte. Right.
>
> She stepped into the ring, and the whoops and hollers intensified.

TOM: [ring announcer] And in this corner, the cham-peen - Krista,
La
Marrrrrrrrrrrrrrria-Susanna'!

> Captain Ginyu smirked.

CROW: WILL YOU STOP WITH THE SMIRKING?!

> "Battlers. Begin."

JOEL: Round one - FIGHT!
CROW: Time Killers - ENGAGE!
TOM: Good luck! You’ll need it!
JOEL: Five points for every reference, folks!

> Krista found herself full rushed. Mitberv had caught her off
> guard.

TOM: [Krista] Did we start yet? Are we starting? When--*Oof*!
CROW: Maybe next time she should pay attention to the guy who tells
her when to start.

> That was okay, she could do that too.

JOEL: What, catch herself off-guard?

> She dug her heels into the ground and used a combination of her
> own physical strength and her powers to force him off of her and
> to the ground.

CROW: [Krista] By the power of the Author Favor...
ALL: [Krista] I HAVE THE POWER!

> She quickly launched herself into the air, aiming a blast at
> Mitberv whish was easily avoided. She aimed another. He avoided
> that one too.

TOM: Wow, this is really exciting, huh, guys?
[Crow's head is drooping. Joel yawns.]

> She tried not to smile

CROW: ...but taunting her helpless foes was her nature.
JOEL: I don't know about you guys, but I totally don't have any idea
how it's gonna turn out.

> as he avoided attack after attack until he was at the right
> distance. One more blast and he leapt aside...and straight into
> the path of the blast she’d launched a second after the first one.

JOEL: Oooh! He didn't see that one coming. Shoulda looked both ways
before dodging.

> Captain Ginyu rose a brow.

TOM: [Captain Ginyu] Who made that man a fighter?
CROW: [Major] I did, sir! He's my cousin.
TOM: [Captain Ginyu] Who is he?
JOEL: [Zarbon] He's an Asshole.
TOM: [Captain Ginyu] I know that, but what's his name?
JOEL: [Zarbon] That is his name, Asshole. Major Asshole.
TOM: [Captain Ginyu] And his cousin?
JOEL: [Zarbon] He's an Asshole too. Gunner's Mate 1st Class, Mitberv
Asshole.
TOM: [Captain Ginyu] How many Assholes has Frieza got, anyway?
ALL: [Random Troops] Yo!
TOM: [Captain Ginyu] I knew it: I'm surrounded by Assholes. Pfah!
Keep fighting, assholes!
CROW: The "Spaceballs" sketch, folks!

> "Mitberv loses. Krista wins."

JOEL: And the crowd goes wild. ALL: [Deadpan] Yay.

> The ring of soldiers around her erupted in cheers and she flushed
> excitedly. She had actually won. She gulped as another soldier-
> bigger and meaner looking than the fallen Mitberv had stepped up.

TOM: [Carnival vendor] Step right up, Get pummeled by the Mary-Sue,
step right on up here...

> "Battlers. Begin."
>
> He watched with an increased interest. She was better than he’d
> first speculated. She’d certainly be fun to take through the
> wringer, now wouldn’t she?

JOEL: Hey, it's a family show!
CROW: Uh, Joel, the Spaceballs skit...?
JOEL: [Embarrassed] Oh yeah, that's right.

> He looked at the person standing with him, Burter. Burter grinned
> at him.
>
> "I suppose you want first crack at her?"
>
> "Damn right," Jeice affirmed.

JOEL: [Jeice] I got my pipe right here!

> "That fool Dodoria went after her too quickly, and alerted Zarbon
> besides. I don’t intend to repeat his mistake."

CROW: [Jeice] I got plenty of original mistakes lined up!

> "Don’t you?"
>
> "No," Jeice smirked.

TOM: [Jeice] I found out about this stuff called "Consent."

> "And I think that she’ll be a bit more eager to be with me than
> she ever was with Dodoria."

JOEL: [Jeice] Then again, goats look appealing compared to Dodoria.

> "Remember, Jeice," Burter’s tone became cautionary. "Frieza’s got
> to be fond of her if he gave her a protector and killed Dodoria
> for going after her.

TOM: [Jeice] You're telling me Frieza killed Dodoria for giving
Krista a foot massage?
JOEL: [Burter] <SIGH!> We're not going to have to have "The Talk"
again are we?

> And it’s not good to make Frieza angry."

CROW: Aw, go ahead! Make him angry! What's the worst that could
happen?

> "I know, I know," Jeice said irritably. He was more interested in
> watching

JOEL: I'll say! [Crow wolf-whistles.]

> as the girl put down yet another opponent. This was her fourth one
> in a row, and the men were beginning to thin out.

TOM: The subtext is coming fast and furious now.

> He also watched his Captain and the Second in Command carefully.
> His Captain, like himself, was intrigued by this girl’s fighting
> ability.

JOEL: [Ginyu] How _does_ she fight like that without breaking a
nail?
I simply MUST know!

> If she beat all of the Ginyu, then she’d may be enough to give him
> a run for his money.
>
> As for Zarbon.....Jeice had a distinct feeling that Frieza wasn’t
> the only one fond of her.

TOM: Really? Hadn't noticed. CROW: Yeah. You’d have thought Usagi'd
dropped a hint or two.

> He also had a distinct feeling that she wasn’t nearly as shy as
> she seemed in the mess. He grinned. He knew how he could find out.

JOEL: He'd ask the camp counselor.
TOM: [Jeice] Time for some heavy Googling!

> "SCABBERS???"

CROW: Whoa! Looks like Jeice found Krista's medical files!

> Their entire section of the mess went absolutely silent and Mere
> smiled, a little embarrassed. As the babble of talk broke out
> again, he whispered fiercely "Scabbers was the traitor??"

TOM: [Krista] Yep! He was the traitor, Onslaught, Monarch, Kaiser
Soze, the whole shebang!

> "Yep," Krista said softly. "An unregistered Animagi. He turned out
> to be Peter Pettigrew. Pettigrew hadn’t cornered Black, it was the
> other way around. Black was ready to kill him when Pettigrew
> faked his own death, cut of his finger and turned into Scabbers.
> He found the Weasleys to take him in and there he stayed."

JOEL: [Krista] Trust me - it makes a lot more sense in the book.
CROW: The preceding was brought to you by the Spoiler Foundation.
TOM: Ruining The Plot Since 1991!

> "Then Harry was right," Kuao breathed. "Scabbers-I mean Pettigrew-
> had been losing weight because of Black and not because of
> Crookshanks."

JOEL: For those of you who've only seen the movie: Yes, that's going
to make even less sense to you.

> "And that’s why Harry wasn’t attacked when Black came into the
> tower," Mere said excitedly. "Because it was Scabbers he was
> after! He hadn’t gotten the wrong bed!"

TOM: Yes, yes. Very amusing. NOW CAN WE PLEASE GET BACK TO THE
ACTUAL PLOT OF _THIS_ STORY, *PLEASE?!?*

> Krista grinned. These two were having too much fun for her to try
> to introduce the Time Turner into their world just yet.

CROW: Good thing you never got to read "Goblet of Fire" then. Sounds
like explaining that might make their heads explode.

> She stretched and stood, determined to get some more food. She
> walked across the mess,

CROW: [Krista] Yuck, icky!

> partially ignoring the comments thrown at her at her getting into
> the semi-finals of the tournament.

TOM: [random soldier] Yeah, come into *my* story and see how far
*you* get!

> A soldier passed behind her and she stiffened as she felt a hand
> linger on her butt.

ALL: BAD TOUCH!
JOEL: [Krista] Grab my butt all you want, guys, but only for a
second
so everyone can have a turn!

> She whirled around to see one of the Ginyu-Burter,

CROW: [Burter, smugly] I like big butts and I cannot lie!
JOEL: What's a "Ginyu-Burter"?
TOM: I think it's some sort of Japanese sandwich spread.

> she thought, smirking at her in a way that told her immediately
> that he was the culprit.

TOM: [Krista] BURTER NO HENTAI!!! HIIIII-YA!

> She didn’t contact Zarbon just yet.

TOM: She'd wait for further humiliation.

> Perhaps she could handle this herself.

JOEL: Or perhaps he'll leave you a broken, bleeding heap. CROW: One
can only hope.

> "Watch it," she said, her voice soft but with a hint of steel in
> it. "Or next time you may lose that hand."

TOM: [Krista] Seriously. Black holes have been springing from my
butt, lately.
CROW: So I guess she's...spitting bullets! JOEL: No!

> Burter smirked wider. He raised his voice so the entire Mess could
> hear. "So she does have spirit.

CROW: [British] Has what, sir?
TOM: [British] Spiwit.
CROW: [British] Yes, he did, sir!
TOM: [British] No no, spiwit! Bwawado! A touch of dewwing-do!
CROW: [British] Uh, about eleven, sir!

> And all this time I thought all you could do was talk and giggle.

JOEL: [Krista] No, I can also smirk.

> Are you so shy when you’re being fucked too?"

CROW: [Krista] Actually, I'm rather aggres... HEY!

> Krista flushed scarlet,

JOEL: Vivian Leigh, NO!

> and before Burter could react he found himself pressed up to the
> wall by an invisible force.

TOM: Sue Storm *IS* Krista Hashiba *IN* "Fantastic Four: New
Beginnings!"

> Or not so invisible, Krista’s blue hair was floating away from her
> shoulders, and it was apparent that she was using some type of
> power to keep him there.

JOEL: The power also created a large fan to blow her hair.

> She walked up to him calmly and, with the force of her powers,
> punched him in the gut.

CROW: [Burter] Man, maybe I should use my powers to do something!

> It was as if he’d been rammed with a steel girder and once she let
> him go,

JOEL: ...She noticed he was *dead*. TOM: [Krista] Oopsie!

> he crumpled to the ground. He managed to stand and look at her, a
> smirk playing over his face once again.

CROW: He should really put that smirk on a leash or something...
TOM: [Kevin Meany] Letting your smirk play like that! That's just
not right!

> "You like it rough? I’ll remember that for later."

JOEL: [Burter] I like being slapped around! CROW: Okay! He's a
bastard! We get it!

> As Krista’s eyes glinted and she pulled her arm back to aim one of
> her most powerful attacks at him,

JOEL: Yeah, since that really stopped him the first time.
TOM: Why is she responding to this like a man? Wouldn't a womyn
reduce this guy to a blubbering mass of tears with a few
cutting remarks about his manhood?
JOEL: Hurts more than a steel girder to the gut, let me tell you.

> Zarbon came pushing through the crowd.

CROW: [Zarbon] S'cuse me! One side! Pretty boy coming through!

> He assessed the situation quickly. He, along with the entire hall
> had heard Burter’s comments and he knew that Burter had gotten
> what he’d deserved.

JOEL: A punch that didn't even take the smirk off his face?

> Krista, however, was so angry right now she’d likely kill him
> before she got a chance to fight him.

CROW: Especially since Brain Child here isn't even defending
himself...
JOEL: And this would be wrong, why?

> Back off, Lieutenant. You’ve taught him his lesson for right now,

TOM: Yep, he's learned that weak innuendo causes Krista to make
herself look like a boob.

> and you have a chance to do so again tomorrow. The semi-finals,
> remember?

TOM: [Krista] Ummm... No?
JOEL: [Krista] Oh! Right! A chance to inflict more pain and
humiliation! Got it!

> You heard him, didn’t you?

CROW: [Zarbon, sighing] Do we have to go over the
'sticks-and-stones'
rhyme again?
TOM: Is anyone else a trifle bothered that she's more angry at
his lewd comments than his sexual assault?

> Even Krista’s thoughts were filled with indignation.

TOM: [Narrator] Or it could've been a recap of last night's "Six
Feet Under." We've never been quite sure.

> I didn’t even let you get away with that shit.

CROW: [Krista] I let you trample on my dignity in *much* more
creative ways!
JOEL: Well, Zarbon was trying to kill you. Burter was just being a
jerk. There's a difference.

> Be that as it may, Zarbon let a warning tone enter into his
> thoughts.

TOM: BEEEEEEEEEEE...
JOEL: This has been a test of the Emergency Broadcast Zarbon.
CROW: If these had been actual thoughts, the warning tone you just
heard would have been followed by something substantive.

> You’ve done all you can right now. Leave him Krista.

JOEL: [Zarbon] ...and change *your* name to Broomhilda!

> Krista let the power fizzle out. She spit on him before stalking
> out through the crowd,

TOM: [Krista] HOCK-TOOIE!!! JOEL: [Zarbon] Hey! What did *I* do?

> which parted to make way for her. Zarbon followed her closely
> after a disgusted look at Burter.

CROW: [Zarbon] God, what a puss! At least say, 'Kamehameha!' or
something.

> As the crowd dispersed, Jeice walked up to Burter who grinned in a
> very self-satisfied way.

TOM: [Burter] I let her do that! Really!

> "She’ll definitely be fun."

ALL: TO TOR-CHAAAA!!!

> Ch. 3 (Boy, guys are jerks)

> JOEL: Motto of thirteen-year-old girls everywhere.

> I won’t be a sucker.

CROW: I'll be a Jolly Rancher!

> I’ll never be your lover.

TOM: Your touch makes me physically ill!

> I’d rather make you suffer,

JOEL: ...The Courtney Love Story.

> You stupid Mother-fucker.

JOEL: The Courtney Love Story, Part II. TOM: Lyrics by Andrew Dice
Clay.

> -Son of a Gun, Janet Jackson (this song is now my theme song.)

CROW: The FCC immediately threatened fines!

> Krista awoke with a distinct feeling of nausea.

CROW: [Krista] I've been dreaming about a Janet Jackson song.

> She remembered what had transpired the day before and wasn’t
> looking too forward to fighting Burter.

JOEL: She'd heard bad things about his "Horny Octopus" fighting
style.
TOM: [Krista] I don't want to *fight* him. I just want to
torture him mercilessly whilst he lies helplessly before me.

> A look at the shift monitor told her she didn’t have long until
> she was due in the Command Centre. Sighing, she flung herself out
> of the bed

TOM: WHAP! JOEL: [Krista] Owie!

> and into the shower.

CROW: [Krista] o/~ Workin' "¥" to "§" / What a way to make a livin!
o/~

> "Sir?"
>
> Frieza looked up sharply. "What is it?"

TOM: [Nameless officer] A term of respect used by officers and
enlisted personnel when addressing a superior officer. But
that's not important right now.

> "I’m getting a report of something wrong in Section 13."

JOEL: [Nameless officer] Dr. Forrester's killing Frank, again.
CROW: [Frieza, groaning] That's the eighth time this week! And it's
Tuesday!

> Frieza frowned. "Son of a-Zarbon!"
>
> Zarbon nodded. "On it." He hurried out.
>
> Make sure you tell me what’s going on!
>
> Are humans always so nosy?

TOM: [Krista] Nope - just me!

> Oh definitely! That’s why we invented the telephone, television,
> internet and term "voyeur".
>
> And you wonder why your planet is in trouble.

JOEL: I thought it was the lack of overpowered psychos.

> I ought to introduce you to talk shows sometime.

CROW: Just how is she doing her job and riding shotgun in Zarbon's
head at the same time, anyway?
JOEL: She's a woman of many talents.

> Zarbon rolled his eyes as he hurried to Section 13, passing a
> black being on the way.

TOM: [Zarbon] Hey, Shaq. CROW: [Shaq] 'Sup, Zarbon.

> The Captain said hi to him, but he paid it absolutely no mind. He
> had an idea he already knew what was wrong.

TOM: Okay, I'm totally lost. Who's the Captain? Is the Negro fellow
the one who knows what's wrong, or the Captain, or Zarbon?
JOEL: Smile, nod, move on.

> As he entered Section 13, he saw that he had been right. A fight
> had broken out among a few members of the Ginyu once again. Jeice
> and Racoom were scuffling, while Guido and Burter looked on in
> amusement.

BOTS: [Guido and Burter] We're looking on in amusement!
JOEL: Looks like Ambassador Sarek's nearby....
CROW: Somebody must have said the Enterprise should be hauled away
as
garbage.

> Racoom knocked the smaller being into the wall next to the
> entrance as Zarbon had entered. Guido cast two of his eyes on
> Zarbon and grinned.
>
> "Frieza sent the pansy to stop you guys," he said. Burter grinned
> too.

JOEL: [Burter] Third time this week! Frieza must really hate you!
TOM: So Zarbon doesn't want to look weak in front of the Ginyu, but
they call him 'pansy' anyway? CROW: He just doesn't want to
look bad in front of the hot chick.
TOM: Umm...
CROW: Krista.
TOM: Oh, riiiight! DUH!

> "Come to separate them?" He chuckled. "Good luck."

> Zarbon snarled. But Burter had a point. Despite his boasting to
> Krista, he wasn’t as much of a match for the Ginyu as he’d said.

ALL: [Sarcastically] Noooo!

> I’ll be sure to remember that, Commander.
>
> Perfect, Krista was still listening in on his thoughts.

CROW: I see we don't have "privacy" on Planet Krista.
TOM: I don't get it. Is she *reading* his mind, or does she only
see
what he sends her? Would he allow her to live if she could
read his mind? If she can't, then why would he be sending her
his thoughts now? Does a mere lieutenant need to know about a
situation he's decided to handle personally?
JOEL: Smile and nod; Mary-Sue knows all.

> Sighing, he grabbed Jeice by the arm as the Ginyu member launched
> himself at Racoom. He was immediately thrown back into the doorway
> as Jeice flung him off and hit Racoom in the gut.

ALL: FACED!!!

> Zarbon shook his head in a feeble attempt to clear it.

TOM: Okay, honestly, has that *ever* worked? JOEL: It does for a
second, truthfully.

> This was going to be fun.

CROW: Letting two guys intent on pounding _each other_ bounce you
around as an afterthought? Sure! I'd say so!

> Would you like some help? Krista’s thoughts were ripe with
> amusement.

JOEL: [Krista] I'm just itching to give the Ginyu a chance to go
street gang on me!

> Zarbon shook his head visibly in response to her question.
>
> Last thing I need is for the new girl to save my ass.

TOM: [Zarbon] I mean, the Ginyu respect me so much. I can't
jeopardize that.

> Suit yourself. Some of you guys seem to love the healing tanks.

TOM: Oh come ON! In a *real* military, an officer would absolutely
*ream* a subordinate who challenged him like that! And this
is a collection of *super-villains*! How much *worse* should
they be?!
CROW: You're calling *this* a "real military?"

> Shut up.

TOM: You tell 'er, Zarbon!

> He could see Krista shrugging in his mind’s eye and he knew she’d
> closed the connection.

CROW: [recording] Your mind has been off the hook for an extended
period of time....
JOEL: [Zarbon] Note to self: See if Med Lab has some "Annoying
Über girl" mental filters...

> He began to gear up for a blast when

TOM: He realized that would just make them mad and powered down.

> a figure came into the room behind him. It brushed past him and
> stood by the battling Ginyu members.

JOEL: Gee, hmm...I wonder who it could be....

> The looked up sheepishly and backed off from each other, still
> bristling but no longer fighting. Zarbon scowled as a smug grin
> played across the face of Captain Ginyu.

CROW: Playing the part of Ginyu - Jonathan Frakes.

> "I’ll deal with you two later," Ginyu said to Jeice and Racoom. He
> then turned to Zarbon in a very self-satisfied way.

TOM: [Captain Ginyu] Wait, why do we have you again?

> "Tell Frieza I’ve got all of this under control."

JOEL: [Captain Ginyu] You really should have got the new girl to
save
your ass.

> Zarbon nodded, turned and left without a single word, his fingers
> flexing as he did so. He was itching to put them around Ginyu’s
> throat and choke that god damn smug look off of his face.

TOM: Why? Zarbon obviously couldn't handle the situation whilst
Ginyu could. Not his fault Zarbon's a pussmaster general.
JOEL: Doesn't mean Ginyu had to be a bad sport about it...

> He returned to the Command Centre and tried his best to look calm
> and unbothered. "Captain Ginyu has everything under control," he
> reported.

JOEL: [Zarbon] As for me, I'm a weenie, sir.

> Frieza frowned again but said nothing.

CROW: [Frieza, thinking] Punked again, eh Zarbon?

> Okay, what happened?

TOM: Y'know, it's considered good manners to knock before entering
someone's room. Why is someone's head somehow different?

> What do you mean?

JOEL: [Krista] I mean... [sloooowly] ...wwwwhhhaatttt
hhhhaaappppppeeeennnneeeddd?

> Zarbon had meant to keep his anger out of his thoughts but he
> found there was no way.
>
> It’s showing up all over your face.

CROW: [Krista] You're out of Clearasil again, aren't you?

> You’re pissed.

TOM: [Zarbon, British, drunk] I bloody well am not! I've only 'ad
two pints, honest...

> So much for calm.
>
> That fucking idiot Ginyu.
>
> Captain Ginyu?

TOM: [Zarbon] No, Leo Ginyu from round the block...of *course*
Captain Ginyu!

> No, Zarbon thought involuntarily. My pet chibling. Yes, Captain!
>
> Krista actually turned and gave him a nasty look.

JOEL: [Krista] Well excuse me for not being able to read your mind!
Oh, wait...

> It’s not my fault if Captain Ginyu shoved a bug up your ass. Just
> don’t take it out on me. I didn’t do anything to you.

CROW: [Krista] Outside of violating your mental privacy at will..
TOM: In Zarbon's defense, that was a pretty dumb question.

> Zarbon knew he should have squashed it, never even dared to think
> it. But he couldn’t help himself.

JOEL: He loved her and nobody else. TOM: Ew, sugarpie, honeybunch!

> No, nothing...unless you count my humiliation at nearly being
> beaten by a little wench, then being assigned to protect someone
> I'd rather fuc-

ALL: HEY HEY HEY!
CROW: Watch your mouth, young man!
JOEL: Didn't I see a commercial for "Mary Sue's I'd Rather Fuc-" on
Comedy Central, late night?
TOM: No no - you're thinking "Avatars Gone Wild."
JOEL: Riiight!

> Krista’s eyes flashed. It was as if she’d actually slapped him
> across the face-his head turned with the force. He could feel her
> indignant eyes on him as he turned his back to her and began to do
> some busywork.

TOM: And Frieza's not noticing all the daggers-staring and Zarbon
getting the psychic pimp hand?
JOEL: Obviously, his lithium's kicked in.

> Fuck you, She thought at him venomously. Zarbon couldn’t stop
> himself. Nor did he try.

CROW: Um, are we supposed to *like* this character?
JOEL: I don't think she cares, Crow.
TOM: o/~ Oh oh, here she comes! She's a Man-Hater! o/~

> You first.

CROW: Er... "Duck Season?"

> He felt the connection sever abruptly. He shook his head and
> sighed.

JOEL: Maybe that will teach her not to tag along in people's skulls
like that.

> He shouldn’t have lost his cool, not like that. But then again,
> what did she expect? Smart ass human. He shrugged. He was better
> off.

TOM: Just accept your fate as Krista's boy toy, Zarbon. It'll hurt
less in the long run.

> Burter grinned as he entered the arena.

[All start singing the opening to "C.C. Rider"]

> Krista was already standing there, waiting. And she looked mad.
> Good, he thought to himself. She’ll be careless and make mistakes.

CROW: Or she could ride that anger and roll right through you...

> Zarbon was the ref.

TOM: [Zarbon] From now on, the only who yells is me. Why? Because I
have a *gun*! People with guns can do whatever they want.

> He looked disdainfully at Burter, and very quickly at Krista, as
> if he were truly trying to avoid looking at her.

CROW: So he looks at her in an attempt to make her think he's trying
to avoid looking at her.
TOM: [Glinn Gusat] Makes sense.

> "Fighters," he said. "Begin!"

JOEL: [Mortal Kombat Announcer] FIGHT!

> Burter launched himself into the air, Krista following. He flew
> straight at her, making her gasp

ALL: GASP!!!

> and veer off.

JOEL: [Krista] Ew! A boy, icky!
TOM: Moving towards your opponent? Well that's totally outta left
field.

> He grinned. Perfect. He teleported behind her

CROW: That wacky DBZ gang! Is there anything they *can't* do?
JOEL: No. No, there isn't.

> and hit her hard between the shoulder blades, sending her smashing
> into the ground below. He smirked as the dust rose beneath him.
>
> "I expected better."

CROW: So do we. Haven't gotten it yet.

> "Well, I hate to disappoint."
>
> Burter never quite knew what hit him as he went barrelling into
> the crater Krista had just created. He looked up to see Krista
> about half a second away from sending him to another dimension. He
> teleported out of the way just as she landed her punch.

CROW: She seethed as Burter invoked the "Missed me, missed me, now
you gotta kiss me" rule.
JOEL: Should we tell her that they don't really teleport, they just
move really really fast?
TOM: That would require giving a crap.
CROW: You do it. I'm bitter.

> He appeared twenty feet above her and she went after him. The two
> began to battle, each blocking the other’s attacks for about half
> a minute

CROW: Since actually describing what they're doing would take too
much effort...
JOEL: Well, in that respect, it's loyal to the source material.

> until Burter kicked her in the head.

[All cheer]

> She went spiralling sideways but recovered quickly and smirked.

TOM: Can these people make *any* other facial expression?!?
CROW: I think it's their default setting.

> Burter found himself unable to move a limb

JOEL: ...Frozen in shock at her planet-engulfing ego...

> as Krista flew up to him and, bringing her fists together, hit him
> on the back of the head.

CROW: [Burter] Gee, I wonder if I should move out of the--OOF!

> As Burter began to fall, she kneed him in what may or may not have
> been the gut.

TOM: Or in rasslespeak, "the lower abdominal region."

> Burter fell, fetal position and all, to the ground.

JOEL: Sucks to be him.
CROW: In more ways than one...

> After a few seconds, he got to his feet and looked up to see
> Krista had landed and sat down on the ground. She smiled at him in
> an annoyingly innocent manner.

TOM: The Psycho Smile of Doom!

> Burter snarled and aimed his largest blast at her. As the dust
> cleared, and he saw the trench he had made, he began to laugh
> crazily.
>
> "Having fun?"

JOEL: [Krista] Writing you into the story just so I could beat the
stuffing outta ya? Yeah!
CROW: Joel, I think she meant that she was asking him.
JOEL: <shrugs> Still works.

> He started and turned. Krista was floating right behind him upside
> down. She grinned and backhanded him across the face.

CROW: Oh, bitch-slapped!
TOM: The Pimp Hand is strong in this one!

> Burter grabbed for her

JOEL: [Burter] Can't ya see I'm just tryin' to say I love ya?

> but she had already removed herself from his reach and was now on
> the other side of him. She smirked and kicked Burter in the butt.

TOM: Is this a fight scene or a Monty Python sketch? JOEL: Yes.

> Burter rounded on her and looked about ready to throttle her when
> she kicked him in what definitely was not the gut.

CROW: Oooh! Right in the Lil' Ginyus!

> Burter doubled over again and fell. This time, he did not stir
> again. Zarbon, who throughout this had watched with an increasing
> level of amusement, nodded.

TOM: [Zarbon] Yup, I'm next.

> "Krista wins."

CROW: [Zarbon] Again... Honestly, why do we even bother with the
fight?

> The area around her burst into cheers

JOEL: [narrator] No no, I'm sorry, that's "tears".

> as she walked over to Burter. She knelt by his head and saw that
> he was conscious. She bent low to his ear.

CROW: [Krista] My quarters in half an hour. Wear something *sexy*.

> "That rough enough for you?"

TOM: [Burter, falsetto] When I can see straight again, you're DEAD!

> She smirked again and walked away, swaying her hips in a very
> provocative manner.

TOM: [Muted trumpet riff]

> As she began to receive congratulations all around, she looked at
> Zarbon. His face was carefully guarded. He simply nodded his
> congratulations and turned to leave.
>
> You owe me, Zarbon.

CROW: [Krista] Remember that last hand of strip-poker?

> She could feel Zarbon’s amusement.

JOEL: [Zarbon] Yeah, I've wanted to kick him in the fusebox too.

> Is it an apology you want?
>
> Krista didn’t answer. Zarbon let a grin filter across his face.
>
> All right. I’m sorry you didn’t kill the bastard. That good
> enough?
>
> Krista’s eyes narrowed. I can easily see if that part of your
> anatomy is as sensitive, Commander.

TOM: [Zarbon] I can easily have you thrown in the brig for
threatening a superior officer
CROW: [Krista] I can write you into a painful, humiliating death for
talking back to me.
TOM: [Zarbon] I'll be good...

> Zarbon smirked, turned and walked away.

JOEL: Again with the smirking!

> Ch. 4 (Can’t Win ‘em all)
>
> You’re such a romantic Hero,
>
> The way you dress and look yourself over.
>
> It’s no wonder you would ponder that image
>
> Of your preening self in the mirror.
>
> -Son of a Gun, Janet Jackson

JOEL: Subtitled "Ode To Zoolander."

> Even Zarbon had to admit, a few days later, that the Ginyu was a
> much humbler group.

TOM: They hadn't blown up a random redshirt in a week!

> Still arrogant as hell, though.

ALL: D'OH!

> As other fights had to be fought, Krista had been given a break
> from the Tournament for a few days.

JOEL: [Tournament Organizer] Let someone *else* have a turn, please.

> She spent the time talking with her small group of friends,
> working and, Zarbon supposed, drawing away in her quarters.

CROW: The legions of men entering her quarters and leaving smiling
and sweaty completely escaped his notice.

> He didn’t dare go and check on her. For one, he still wasn’t ready
> to apologise.

TOM: He's a *supervillain*, fanfic! What sort of supervillain would
ever *apologize*?
JOEL: The kind of supervillian that gets pounded by sixteen-year old
girls.

> And two, he happened to be quite fond of that part of his anatomy.

CROW: His liver was *very* important to him.

> He shrugged it off as he sat in his own quarters, trying in vain
> to read a few reports. He had gotten halfway through the first one
> on recent planets wiped out

TOM: [Zarbon, reading aloud] "In order to make room for a new
hyperspace bypass"... Da hell?

> when his door chime rang. He frowned.

JOEL: [Zarbon] Damn! I was just getting to the good parts!

> Who the hell would be visiting him, and now of all times?
>
> He found himself hoping as he went to answer the door that it
> would be Krista.

CROW: [Zarbon] Oh, sweet make-up sex, here I come!

> The door opened and Zarbon’s features didn’t fall, but they
> twisted into a sneer. It was Captain Ginyu.

JOEL: [Captain Ginyu] Avon calling!

> "What?" Zarbon asked curtly. Ginyu grinned.
>
> "Got your pants in a twist, Zarbon?"

TOM: [Zarbon] Yes, but not for the reasons you think. CROW: Ew...

> "What the hell do you mean, Ginyu?" Zarbon asked. Ginyu shrugged.

TOM: [Captain Ginyu] I mean, are your undergarments properly
fitted?

> "Nothing. Only you haven’t been hanging around the human as much.
> We figured either you’ve had her and you’re done with it or you’re
> hiding a few bruises. So who wins?"

CROW: Ouch!
JOEL: [Zarbon] Yeah, I had my thirty seconds. I think Mere's next on
her Rolodex.

> Zarbon rolled his eyes and, tapping the pad next to the door, shut
> it in Ginyu’s face.

TOM: [Zarbon] Thank you, I don't *need* a new set of encyclopedias!

> Zarbon could hear Ginyu’s muffled chuckling through the door.

JOEL: [Ginyu, stoner voiced] Huh huh! Totally faced him!

> "Could I take it to mean both, then?" Ginyu called through the
> door. Zarbon was tempted to open the door and tell Ginyu where to
> go, andwhat to do when he got there, but common sense held him
> back.

CROW: That, and an intense desire not to get beaten to death.

> He instead turned back to the report.

CROW: Well *that* was a useless scene!
TOM: Now, now! It was vital in establishing that Ginyu is, in fact,
a big, fat jerk.

> "So when’s the next one?"

JOEL: [Zarbon] Jeez, you think I'm some kinda machine?!

> "Not for a few days," Krista murmured, shading in a picture of one
> of her favorite anime characters, DiGi Charat.

TOM: She's really taking a battering ram to the fourth wall, isn't
she?

> Musquo peered at the picture critically.

CROW: [Krista] Now, tell me the first shape that pops into your
mind. JOEL: [Musquo] This isn't how you draw Timmy The Turtle, you
know.

> "Is that human supposed to have a tail?"

JOEL: [Musquo] And balloons on its chest?

> "Yes, she’s not human."
>
> Musquo frowned. "Then what is she?"

TOM: [Krista] A fangrrl.

> "I don’t know!" Krista said, exasperated. Musquo wrinkled his
> feline nose.

CROW: [Musquo] Look, I just thought she was hot, okay?!?

> "Touchy, aren’t we? That’s the third time today.

JOEL: [Krista] So quit *askin'* me!

> "What’s eating you?"

CROW: [Krista] Zarbon. I thought everybody knew. TOM: D'oh!

> "Nothing," Krista fairly spat. Musquo shrugged.
>
> "Suit yourself," He said, turning towards the door. "Though if you
> ask me and the others, you should probably make up with Zarbon
> already. You’re getting downright irritable."

JOEL: [Musquo] We all want you back to mildly annoyed, like normal.
TOM: [Musquo] And when I say "make up with", I mean "have hot
animal
sex with."

> Krista grew hot in the face. She turned hotly to the door. "What
> in the world makes you think-" She cut herself off as she realised
> that Musquo had left already. She sighed.

JOEL: [Krista] Well, launch tubes ain't gonna swab themselves....
CROW: [Krista] Damn... Time to go break another "Steely Dan"...

> Why had that last statement irritated her so?

TOM: I'd bet Freud would have a lot to say about that one!

> Zarbon had nothing to do with anything-it was simply the pressure
> she was feeling that was making her irritable.

JOEL: That, and Frieza had taking to pointing at random subordinates
and making "P-CHEW! P-CHEW!" noises.
TOM: I mean, she might break a nail kicking the tar out of the next
well-trained, experienced warrior she battled.

> Hell, she’d gone through the same thing when studying for her High
> School Entrance Exams...

JOEL: Oh yeah, that really compares to risking serious injury
shooting atomic blasts at each other--
TOM: Uh, Joel, she's *Japanese*.
JOEL: Oh, right... Point retracted.

> But didn’t you have that crush on Seiji then? A voice in her mind
> reminded her. You were upset because he’d just started going out
> with Minako and-

CROW: ...Every chance they she got, he would regale you with tales
of
their heathen carnal exploits.

> "Shut up!" she said aloud, startled at the anger in her own voice.

TOM: Yep - She's a-crackin'!
JOEL: Time to break out the strait jacket!

> Why did she get so upset like that? It wasn’t like Seiji had had
> anything to do with anything before....had he?

CROW: Thanks to the magic of Rohypnol, she'd never know!

> Getting back to the problem at hand, did she have feelings for
> Zarbon?

JOEL: [Krista] Let's see... Loathing, disgust, hatred... Yep, guess
I
do!

> How could she possibly, it wasn’t even like he was all that
> attractive, if you didn’t count the great body, the long hair,
> looks even Gackt would kill for-

TOM: [Krista] Yeah, once you get past the fact that he's a bishy
god, he's really not all that!

> Stop it! She told herself angrily. He’s an alien!

CROW: So are Goku and Superman.

> But.....Goku’s an alien...

CROW: Stay out of my head, woman!

> No! He came to destroy your planet!! Well, technically, so did
> Vegeta... He hates you!.........

TOM: Like Dave hates Maddie.
JOEL: Like Sam hates Diane.
CROW: Like Draco hates Harry.
OTHERS: WHAT?!?
CROW: Oh, read between the lines, people!

> No he doesn’t......he made me a promise. And you presume to trust
> him to honour his promises? Who says honour is anything to these
> people?

JOEL: I tell ya, there's no honour in destroying the universe
anymore.

> So the debate in her mind went, back and forth until she had
> exhausted herself, and fell asleep, slumped across the bed.

TOM: Krista, honey? Talking to yourself is fine and dandy. Arguing
yourself unconscious is Happy Pill Time!

> So much for that...."
>
> Burter sneered at the smirking Jeice. "You’re up next, you know,"
> he said. "Do you think you can do any better?"

JOEL: [Jeice] I'm not the one with the pre-match sexual harassment.

> Jeice grinned. "I know enough to wear protection now."

CROW: Unless they make adamantium jock straps, I don't see how that
would help.

> Burter started at Jeice at this, but Ginyu held him back. "Easy,"
> he said. "No use in your fighting against each other. Too many
> other weaklings around for us to beat."
>
> Burter allowed himself to be pulled away from Jeice, though anger
> still glowed in his eyes.

TOM: [Burter] GRRR! Burter smash later!

> Guido looked at Jeice. "So what are you planning, then?"
>
> "The girl’s sensitive to thoughts," he said slowly, as if thinking
> aloud. "It’s in her record. So perhaps we should make sure she
> can't concentrate long enough to get any attacks off."

CROW: [Jeice] So all we have to do is make a lewd comment about her
butt.

> "That would be cheating," Ginyu said simply. Jeice grinned.

TOM: Err...it would? JOEL: Let's assume so, yes.

> "You act as if there’s some problem with that."
>
> Ginyu grinned. "Never said that....."

TOM: And the idea that Frieza's elite hit squad has to resort to
cheating to beat a sixteen year-old girl doesn't faze them
at all?
CROW: Why should it? Good heels don't cheat because they need to.
They cheat because they can!

> Krista glared at Jeice. After the stunt that his team-mate had
> pulled in the mess, and the prior battle, she didn’t trust any of
> the Ginyu.

JOEL: I'll take "Firm Grasp of The Obvious" for $400, Alex!

> It also disturbed her that the other members had turned out to
> watch this battle, as they hadn’t been at any others. Captain
> Ginyu was leading the bout.

TOM: Suspicious? NAH!

> "Battlers, begin!"
>
> Krista immediately launched herself into the air,

JOEL: The same thing she does to start every battle...

> and begin to concentrate her energy into a Kamehameha attack

TOM: The immense power warping us into the present tense...

> when an image of her giving head to Burter unwillingly entered her
> mind.

CROW: <SPUTTER!> WHOA!
JOEL: So they're going to fire images of porn at her until she
cracks?
TOM: It's the "Joyce Manuver!"

> She gasped slightly and let the energy dissipate. That was all
> Jeice needed. Within seconds he had her on the ground, pummelling
> away at her. She wedged her legs up between her body and his and
> forced him off of her. She stood but before she could even take a
> step, another image, one of her being taken by no less than three
> of the Ginyu at the same time forced its way into her
> consciousness.

JOEL: [Krista] Ew, sex with Guido!
TOM: Will someone PLEASE explain why she's picking this stuff up in
the middle of a fight? Did one of the Ginyu suddenly sprout
telepathic powers?

> Jeice grinned widely and nodded just slightly to his team-mates
> before forming a massive energy blast in his hand and aiming it at
> Krista.
>
> The last thing she saw before the blast hit was her crying out in
> pleasure as she came.....

CROW: I should feel happy that the über gurl got taken down, but I
feel too dirty for that...
JOEL: I know. I feel the need for a brain scrubbing.

> She opened her eyes groggily and peered through a strange bluish
> haze onto the scene before her. Zarbon’s voice came to her as
> though from a great distance.

TOM: [Krista] So I'm in Hell. Peachy...
CROW: You mean "HFIL", don't you?
TOM: Right, right!

> "...and she was unconscious before I even made it halfway to the
> ring. I think Jeice might have killed her if I hadn’t stopped
> him."

[All boo.]

TOM: Zarbie, what'd ya haveta go and do a thing like that for?

> She could just barely discern Frieza’s face. It was wavering as if
> she were looking at it through a heat wave. Or not so much like a
> heat wave, but water...
>
> "I suppose it couldn’t be helped.

CROW: [Frieza] You're trying to get into her pants, after all.

> The Ginyu are a handful."

JOEL: Some all powerful überlord you are!

> "They will be punished, then?"

TOM: [Frieza] Try 'rewarded', smart guy.

> Zarbon’s voice only had the slightest edge on it to indicate it
> was a question.

CROW: [Zarbon] You could use whips and chains and cattle prods and
iron maidens and there'll be screamin! Oh so much screaming
and... Er... Sorry... That was out loud, wasn't it?

> She could see Frieza shake his head.
>
> "No. It’s a part of the tournaments, you know that. She’s no
> different from anyone else on this planet."

JOEL: [Frieza] Well, except she can bend time and space to her will.

TOM: [Frieza] And when I say "no different" I mean "Obviously
perfect and must be protected and coddled."

> Zarbon opened his mouth as if to press the matter

TOM: [Zarbon] B-but she's my *grrlfriend*!

> but a look from Frieza warned him that

CROW: ...One more word and he was a scorch mark.

> the topic was closed. He looked in her direction and smirked.
>
> "So, she’s awake. Feeling any better, Lieutenant?"
>
> It was only then that Krista realized

JOEL: ...Why Zarbon was smirking at her. CROW: [Krista] Ah, hell!
I'm
naked again!

> that she was in a healing tank. She had lost the tournament.

[ALL cheer.]

TOM: Enjoy it whilst it lasts, guys. She can only be setting up the
crisis to make her later triumph all the greater.

> Jeice winced as he was shoved roughly into a bulkhead by Zarbon. A
> couple of well placed punches on Zarbon’s part brought the rest of
> the Ginyu, bristling, around him. Ginyu leered at him.

JOEL: [Captain Ginyu] Say... CROW: [Captain Ginyu] I knew you were
butch, Zarbon, but dial it back a bit!

> "Are you looking for a fight, pansy?"

TOM: [Zarbon] No thanks! I think I found one!

> "You could have killed her," Zarbon growled. Jeice grinned.

JOEL: [Jeice] Your point?

> "Concerned about the human girl, are we? Is she in possession of
> something of yours, perhaps?"

CROW: [Zarbon] My stack of rare Pokemon cards, if you must know!

> Zarbon didn’t even flinch at the remark. "If you kill her then
> Frieza kills me. This is the interest of self-preservation."

ALL: [Singing] LIAR! LIAR!

> Jeice grinned. "You don’t have to worry so much, anyway,’ he said.
> "I wasn’t going to kill her. Not so soon, anyway."
>
> Zarbon’s eyes narrowed and Burter nodded. "Clever predators play
> with their prey before killing it.

TOM: No, you're confusing "clever predators" with "sterotypical
bully-type villains".

> Surely you know that, Zarbon?"
>
> "How could he?" Guido said, grinning. "You said only clever
> predators do that."

JOEL: Oooh! What a burn! CROW: [Zarbon] Shut up, Four Eyes!

> Zarbon snarled and turned on Ginyu. "If I see any of you trying to
> hurt her again, in any way, I’ll send you past the next dimension.
> > Is this in any way unclear?"

TOM: [Captain Ginyu] No? Umm... Yes... Umm... Pass?

> Ginyu smirked and saluted Zarbon mockingly.

JOEL: He learned that salute from Dick Solomon.

> "Yes sir." He turned to him subordinates. "You heard the
> Commander."

CROW: [Captain Ginyu] Drinks are on him.

> The other Ginyu Force snapped to attention and gave the same false
> salute. "Yes sir!"
>
> Their mocking laughter followed Zarbon out into the corridor.

TOM: [Zarbon] Well, that went well!

> He sighed and turned to check on Krista.

JOEL: [Ginyu] Okay, that's enough "Point and Laugh" practice for
today. Let's hit the mess hall and get in some food-fighting
work.
BOTS: [Other Ginyu] ALL RIGHT!

> When he arrived in the infirmary, he saw that Krista was still
> awake, and still in the healing tank.
>
> How are you feeling? He asked her. She glared at him and looked
> away.

TOM: [Zarbon] Remind me why I saved your life, again?

> He stepped around into her line of view and tapped on the glass.

CROW: [Krista] Hey! I'm still naked in here!
JOEL: [Zarbon, salaciously] I *KNOW*!

> Anyone home in there?
>
> Go away, She thought at him firmly.

CROW: [Krista] I'm being un*grateful*!

> He shook his head.
>
> I’m supposed to make sure you’re alright, I’ve got to report to
> Frieza in a few minutes
>
> Okay, you’ve seen me. I’m fine. Go now.

JOEL: [Zarbon] Say, have you always had that mole on your...
TOM: [Krista] LEAVE!!! NOW!!!

> Zarbon frowned. She still wasn’t in the best mood with him. He
> shrugged and turned to leave.

CROW: [Zarbon] So next time, I should just let you die, then?

> Oh, by the way, He thought. I noticed the look on your face when
> you went down. Tell me, has any other man ever seen that look
> while he’s busy pumm-

JOEL: "One Step Past Too Far" for $1000, Alex!

> He found himself forced out of the door very suddenly and his
> connection with her was severed quite abruptly. Obviously she was
> already quite a bit stronger than she’d been before. That wasn’t
> what startled him; it was the look of pure hatred in her eyes as
> she pushed him out.

CROW: Or maybe it was the porno music floating through your head as
you spoke?

> The thought crossed his mind that perhaps he ought to tone it down
> a little.

TOM: Oh come on! It's *Zarbon*! The only thought that would cross
his mind after that would be whether to disintegrate her or
kill her slowly!
CROW: Dude, we crossed that bridge and blew it to atoms LONG ago!

> But he wasn’t quite ready to give up teasing her just yet.

JOEL: He still had two years of grade school left.
TOM: He's working his way up to pulling her hair and leaving worms
on her desk.

> Mere was there to greet her as she exited the infirmary. "How are
> you feeling, Lieutenant?"

CROW: [Krista] Battered, bruised, and violated in almost every way.
TOM: [Mere] Hey, you're finally feeling like one of us!

> Krista glanced up at him. "As well as could be expected after
> being knocked out and in a healing tank for seventy-two hours."

CROW: [Krista] By which I mean FA-BU-LOUSTH!

> Mere nodded. "You’re due in the Command Centre."
>
> Krista raised a brow. "No sick days?"
>
> Mere blinked. "Huh?"
>
> "Nevermind," she sighed.

JOEL: [Krista] God, you're such a doorknob!

> She walked back to the Command Centre and took her place at
> Tactical. She began to run a scan of conquerable planets in a
> sector one hundred and fifteen parsecs away.

TOM: [Krista] Boy, subjugating the weak is fun, once you get into
it!

> She became so involved that she didn’t notice Zarbon enter.

CROW: The fact that he'd switched after shaves from his Old
Spice/Jade East blend helped that.

> He glanced at her, and smiled. She suppressed a sigh as his
> Feeling better? Entered her mind. She didn’t turn to look at him.
>
> Yes, was her curt reply. Why do you care?

TOM: [Zarbon] Look - do I have to spell it out for you? ME WANT IN
PANTS!

> If you get killed, Frieza kills me, he told her. This is
> self-preservation.
>
> Right, she said, even her thoughts holding scepticism.

CROW: [Krista] *COUGH*youwantmebad*COUGH*

> Zarbon raised a brow. You can’t accept the fact that maybe I care
> about you?

JOEL: [Zarbon] Even heartless world-destroyers need a little lovin',
baby!

> Krista actually turned and looked him in the eyes.

TOM: [Krista] Let me think about that NO!

> The only person you care about, Zarbon, she thought firmly. Is the
> person I’m looking at right now.

CROW: [Zarbon] Um, Krista? I'm over here.

> You don’t give a shit about me, Frieza or anyone else on this
> goddamned planet. As far as you’re concerned, if it doesn’t
> involve you, or your pride, or you life, you won’t be bothered.
>
> Zarbon blinked.

TOM: [Zarbon] You say that like it's a bad thing.
CROW: [Zarbon] When did we start talking about you?

> He was surprisingly hurt by her thoughts.

JOEL: [Zarbon] I'm a sad panda.

> She seemed to read this and her expression softened a little. He
> tried to form his thoughts into an apology but instead, he
> smirked.

[All sigh.] TOM: Of *course* he did!

> So glad you finally noticed.

JOEL: Would it kill him to not be an ass for five seconds?
CROW: As a matter of fact, yes.

> And the expression on Krista's face was gone, replaced by a look
> of pure disgust. Go fuck yourself, she thought at him, turning
> back around.

TOM: Well who's being vulgar now, Lil' Ms. Uber Gurl?

> If I could, I wouldn’t leave my room, he thought back at her.

JOEL: "TMI" for $1000, Alex!

> He could feel her aggravation and wondered again briefly if he’d
> gone too far, then decided he didn’t care anyway.
>
> It wasn’t like she cared about him, anyway.

CROW: And the Anvil of UST takes its place firmly above our heads.
TOM: That can't be it, can it?
CROW: Dare we have hope, Joel. Dare we hope.
JOEL: Sorry little buddies, but this all reads like a connecting
story to something longer.
CROW: Which means another sequel.
TOM: And since the lemony stuff was only hinted at in this one,
that
means the next one...

[Pause]

BOTS: NOOOOOOOO! JOEL: C'mon, you guys, let's get outta here.

[ 6 ]...[ 5 ]...[ 4 ]...[ 3 ]...[ 2 ]...[ 1 ]...[ * ]

[We come back to the S.O.L's bridge - and the place has been
trashed.
Food, dirty dishes and other assorted debris are scattered all
over. Random grafitti can be seen on the background walls.]

JOEL: [Just entering the room] What in the world..?

TOM: Good grief - did we have Mardi Gras in here, while we gone?

CROW: [Running] Oh,man! It's horrible! Somebody found a crate of
Hamdingers and shoved half of them into the load pan bay!
And trailed the other half through the hallways! It's a
mess, I tell ya!

JOEL: Gee... You'd think the Mads would've noticed this going on...

CROW: Yeah, where are they, anyway?

TOM: Hey, Gypsy? Magic Voice? Where'd Dr. Forrester and Frank get
off to?

MAGIC VOICE: The Mads took off about a half-hour ago. They locked
Gypsy in Storage Bay #2

JOEL: What?!? Why would they...

CROW: Hey, Joel - Call's coming in from Deep 13!

JOEL: What tha... [Hits the button]

[Cut to a shot Dr. Forrester and Frank, wearing party hats. There
appears to be an active party going on behind them.]

DR.F: Hey, guys! 'Bout time you came up for air!

FRANK: WOOO! [Takes a drink from a plastic cup]

[S.O.L.]

TOM: Da' hell?!? Where are you? Why aren't you up here?

JOEL: And what happened before you left?

[D-13]

DR.F: [Talking like a frat boy] Well, we got bored up there with no
mad science equipment. So we called up a bunch of buds and
threw ourselves a little party! WOOOO!

PARTYGOERS: WOOOOO!!!!

FRANK: [Talking like a stoner for some reason] And so there we
were,
just having, like, a major bash... We had to ditch the big
girl bot, cuz she was totally harshing our buzz...

DR.F: [Talking normally] Then we got a call from the exterminators.

Turns out the tribbles got into that poison grain I was
saving for UNICEF. Long story short: Tribbles all dead, no
fumigation.

FRANK: So we packed up the party and headed back home! WOOO!

PARTYGOERS: WOOOOO!!!!

[S.O.L.]

JOEL: Well, that's wonderful for you, sirs. But what about this
mess
up here?

[D-13]

DR.F: Oh, you big baby! If it's that important to you, I'll just
pop
the air locks and suck all the trash out. You might want to
find a safe place for that. But that'll come later! As for
now, PAR-TAAAAY!!!

PARTYGOERS: WOOOOOOO!!!

FRANK: Oh, and you probably won't want to pull that ripcord behind
you
before then! [Dances off]

[S.O.L]

CROW: [Rip cord in hand] What? This one?

TOM: What? Crow, NO!

[A trap door open from the ceiling, and Joel and the bot are
bombarded with falling tribbles.]

TOM: Oh, GOOD ONE, Crow!

JOEL: Well, on the bright side, maybe they'll eat all the garbage.
I
hope. Or something?

[Joel shrugs and hits the button.]

\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
<< FWOOOSH >>
/ | \
/ | \
/ | \

CROW [Voice only]: Hey, since when can we do that from up here?

Mystery Science Freezer
[http://www.geocities.com/mysterysciencefreezer]

Ep. 1: WWF Smackdown - 4/06/00 recap
Ep. 2: Scooby Did [Lemon]
Ep. 3: Voyager: S-Space, part 1 [Lemon]
Ep. 4: Voyager: Stealth Wedgie
Ep. 5: Violence Aimed Even At Preschoolers
Ep. 6: Brightheart The Cub Sitter [Lemon]
Ep. 7: Sweet Beginnings [Lime]
Ep. 8: Life's Surprises
Ep. 9: School Girls [Lemon]
Ep.10: Netnoise Triple Feature
Ep.11: Bishoujo Senshi Sour Lemon [Lemon]
Ep.12: Star Trek:Voyager - S-Space, part 2 [Lemon]
Ep.13: Captain N: The Cavern of Fate [Lemon]
Ep.14: The Two Faces of Xtian Kookery
Ep.15: New Beginnings (co-MSTed with Chan-Wu Yi)

Mystery UGoS Theater (Wrestle-centric with saltier language)

Ep. 1: Judgment Day 2000 Rant by Scott Keith
Ep. 3: Chris Hyatte's "And Another Thing" 9.25.2000 (Collaboration
with Maple Leaf Mickey and The Big Fred Machine)
Ep. 4: Danielle Fishel & Lacey Chabert At Smackdown!
Ep. 5: Salior <sicMoon/WWF Crossover

Group MSTings:

Love Bites (Edited by Rebo Valence, written with half the free
world) http://rebo_chan.tripod.com/lo­vebites.txt

Royal and Prime Directives (Edited by Bill Livingston)
http://svamcentral.org/svam/ms­tings/Royal-PrimeDirective.txt

Columbine's Most Wanted (Edited by Dalty Smith)
http://members.rogers.com/krpa­lmer/mst3k/mstings/columbine.t­xt

Legolas: Back To The Future (Edited by River City Random)
http://www.geocities.com/river­cityrandom/

<< Will Joel and the Bots manage to rid themselves of both the trash
and the tribbles? Will the cops get called in on The Mads party?
And just how the hell did THEY have enough friends to throw a party?
Find out in the next edition of MYSTERY SCIENCE FREEZER! >>

{{ "SCABBERS???" }}

--
My name is:
____ _
/ ___| | |
| |__ _ __ ___ ___ ____ ___ _ __ | |
| __|| '__/ _ \/ _ \/_ // _ \| '__|| |
| | | | __/ __/ / /| __/| | |_|
|_| |_| \___|\___||___|\___||_| (_)

And my anti-drug is porn.
http://www.geocities.com/mysterysciencefreezer