MiSTed - "Out of Time" by Dave Hines (3/3)
Bill Livingston
Crow: Uh, Harry Mudd. Nonono - Cyrano Jones.
Mike: Good. [changes to next card, reading "AKSES"] Okay, who's this?
Tom: Lessee - Weyoun? No, not that's not right. Brunt?
Mike: No, Jeffrey Combs is *not* involved.
Crow: Oh, then it's Lursa and B'Etor! Hmmm - naah.
Tom: How about - I know! It's Seska!
Mike: Exactly! Now this one's a toughy! [changes to next card, "Q"]
Tom & Crow: Hmmmmmmmmm....
[Suddenly, the satellite is rocked]
Crow: Hey!
Tom: What th'...
Mike: Cambot, show me rocket # 9, muy pronto!
[We see through Rocket 9 that the SOL is confronted with - itself!]
Mike: Now what?
Tom: Maybe it's from the mirror universe or something.
Magic Voice: Careful, everyone. My sensors show that the other Satellite
of Love is actually nothing more than a small shuttlecraft, disguised
by a very cleverly projected holographic illusion.
Crow: A hologram?
Mike: On top of a shuttle?
Tom: You don't suppose...
[Sure enough, the Hexfield viewscreen opens to reveal a heavyset young
man inside what appears to be a TNG-era shuttle]
Dave: Hi, all. Dave Hines here.
All: DAVE HINES?!?
Tom: The same Dave Hines who did "Enterprized", or...
Dave: [exasperated] No! No! No! I keep telling everyone, I'm *not* the
guy who riffed on "Enterprized"! I'm just a guy who happens to
have the same name!
Crow: Waitasec, then - that means *you're* the Dave Hines responsible
for "Out of Time", then, right?
Dave: [brightening] Why yes, that's me.
Gypsy: [entering stage left] Did someone say Dave Hines was here?
Mike: Yeah, Gyps, he's right here.
Dave: Hey, great to finally meet...
Gypsy: WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA, PUTTING ME TO SLEEP LIKE THAT?!?!?
Crow: And what's the deal with hijacking our likenesses anywho?
Tom: Yeah, where's our royalty checks?!?
Bots: Who do you think you... oughta come over there... how'd *you*
like it if... lucky my chick's here, Hines! etc. etc. etc.
Mike: Woah, woah, woah, guys, one at a time, give him a chance!
Dave: [looking a bit nervous] Uh, heh. So. Um....
Mike: Not quite the reception you were expecting?
Dave: Well, to be honest, no. I kinda thought they'd enjoy the wider
audience exposure.
Crow: I gotta tell ya, Hines, you scare me. And not in any good way.
Dave: Whattaya mean?
Crow: Look, if you wanna write self-insertion Star Trek fanfiction - hey,
knock yourself out! But self-insertion Star Trek *Marrissaverse*
fanfiction?!? What the heck were you thinking?
Dave: That it's fun when it's fun until someone loses an eye?
Crow: Oh. [pause] Well, I can't argue with that.
Tom: Hey, Hines, I got a question for ya! How come there's no cybernetic
Nelson in your little story, huh?
Dave: Well, why? I mean, what would be the point? I'm kind of like the
replacement Mike in the story. Not that anyone could replace
you, of course, Mike, but, well, it's *my* self-insertion story,
so there was just, uh, just no *room* for you. So to speak.
Mike: [Waves it off] Don't worry about it. Say, where *are* your versions
of these guys, anyway?
Dave: Well, they kinda got bored just tooling around the galaxy with me,
so they took a sabbatical. Gypsy joined Starfleet, and she's just been
named captain of the USS Basehart. Crow decided to go to Earth - he
wanted to visit Graceland, for some strange reason. And Tom, uh, Tom's
opened a Federation-wide chain of Underwear shops.
Mike: Wow! See, guys, you got your wish after all. Well, except for your
little Voyager Harem fantasy, Tom.
Dave: Actually, he tried that. Came back with a b'atleth through his dome and
a Borg implant stuffed in his mouth.
Crow: Harh!
Tom: Grrrr!
Gypsy: I'm still mad at you for putting us to sleep like that!
Dave: Aw, Gypsy, don't be like that! It was just a plot device.
Gypsy: Hmph!
Mike: So what's next, Dave? Dipping back into the Marrissaverse?
Dave: Oh, no. I'm expanding my horizons.
Crow: You're doing a sequel to "Enterprized"?
Dave: [angry] I'M NOT THAT DAVE HINES, OKAY?!?!
Crow: Woah. Testy.
Dave: [Calmer] Sorry. Anyway, I'm writing a series of self-insertion
pieces all based in different universes.
Mike: Uh, come again?
Dave: Yeah. Look, see, first I return to today in order to lend a helping
hand to Mulder and Scully as they investigate a series of bizarre
happenings at Point Loma College.
Crow: Uh-huh.
Dave: [More enthusiastic] Yeah, and then in my next story, I get caught in
a time warp and wind up in 1951 Korea, where I get to pal around
with those lovably zany madcap doctors at the 4077th!
Tom: Yyyyyyeah. Okay, then, well-
Dave: Then - then, see, I go back to the future - so to speak, heh heh -
but I wind up in the 31st Century, where I meet this bunch of
super-powered teens who meet in a clubhouse, and I join them and
help them fight off the evil sorcerer Urdrom and...
Gypsy: LOOK OUT - CAPTAIN NAOLS IS APPROACHING!!!
Dave: *Gah!* Gotta run, guys, it's been swell! So long! [The hexfield
irises closed]
All: Bye, good luck, don't forget to write, etc.
Tom: Wow!
Mike: Yeah. Hey, quick thinking, Gyps.
Gypsy: No problem. "Plot device", my sweet Aunt Petunia!
[The lights go off]
All: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! WE GOT SELF-INSERTION SIGN!!!
[Chaos, doors, etc.]
[6] {5} (4) <3> |2| O
[All enter]
>Chapter Thirteen:
>
> "Mr. Naols! I am telling you again! You are not authorized to enter
>Bajoran airspace! Mr. Naols! Respond!"
>
Tom: If you enter the no-fly zone, we *will* scramble the 144th Air Cav
division!
Mike: Very authoritative sounding.
Tom: Thanks - I've been watching "West Wing".
> Sisko was getting worried. Rather than break off their pursuit of
>Mr. Hines' shuttlecraft, the two shuttlecraft from the Neylon continued on
>towards the planet after it and its escort.
>
Mike: They're gonna shoot down Heidi Fleiss!
> "Dammit!" Sisko swore. "General, get me the First Minister's
>office."
>
Crow: Billy Graham on Line One, Admiral.
> "Yes, sir." responded Kira.
>
> Just then, Dr. Bashir arrived on the bridge. "Admiral, request
>permission to intercept the Neylon's shuttlecraft."
>
> "Doctor, this is not the time. We have a very large problem."
>
Mike: [Sisko] We're supposed to be having the Pattersons over for dinner,
and the station is an absolute *mess*!
> "It's larger than you think, Admiral.
Tom: Braggart.
> Our Mr. Naols is none other
>than Luther Sloan."
>
All: GASP! NO!
Mike: I would have never guessed!
Crow: Sloan nearly outfoxed us all!
Tom: No wonder Section 31 is feared throughout space!
> Despite his African heritage, Sisko visibly paled at that.
Tom: Insert your own Michael Jackson joke here.
> Luther
>Sloan was a top operative in the ultra-secret Section 31.
Crow: [Sisko ] How did you figure it out?
Tom: [Bashir] I spelled his name backwards!
Crow: [Sisko] What an amazingly lame cover!
Tom: [Bashir, muttering] Yeah, it fooled you, though, didn't it? Ya
big non-genetically enhanced beef roast!
> This
>organization, while supposedly dedicated to preserving the Federation, had
>conspired in the political downfall of the Romulan Senator Cretak, and
>engineered a plague that would have spelled genocide for Odo and all of his
>race.
Mike: So in order to preserve the Federation, it attacked the Federation's
enemies?
Crow: Fiends!
> Sisko thought that such an organization would cost the Federation so
>much of its ideals that it wouldn't be the Federation anymore.
Crow: So it'd be, what, the Collective, the Imperial Star Empire, the United
Brotherhood of Teamsters Local 485? Help us out here, Dave.
> Dr. Bashir
>had intimate knowledge of Section 31,
Tom: Saaaaay...
> as Sloan had long tried to lure the
>genetically-enhanced doctor into Section 31's fold.
>
Tom: Not to mention the fact that Bashir went walking around in Sloan's mind
before he "died".
> "Permission granted, Doctor. The Defiant is unfortunately offline.
Mike: Damned Windows 2000!
>You'll have to take a runabout."
>
Tom: Which is like going on a walkabout, only faster.
> "Yes, sir."
>
>Chapter Fourteen:
>
> The S.O.L. and one of the Bajoran Interceptors touched down upon the
>surface of the planet Bajor at the correct coordinates. Moments after
>touching down, an enormous creature with a white hide leapt upon the hull of
>the shuttlecraft and began to pound.
>
Mike: Aaaaah!! Louie Anderson's gone berserk!!!
All: Gyah!!!!
> On Dave's screen, Lieutenant Stens' face appeared again. "Oh no.
>It's a rogue Jem.
Tom: They're being attacked by Jem and the Holograms?
Crow: That or Jemm, Son of Saturn's finally lost it.
> Hang on, Mr. Hines."
>
> "Rogue Jem" was the slang term on Bajor for a nightmare that refused
>to die.
Mike: Even 400 years later, they just won't stop showing "Caroline in the
City" reruns.
> When the Dominion-Alpha Quadrant war ended, a number of the Alpha
>Quadrant-bred Jem'Hadar had refused to return to the Gamma Quadrant.
Tom: Finally, Janet Reno was forced to send in the INS.
> When
>their supply of Ketracel White diminished, they would have eventually died
>off, had it not been for the Sona, Breen and other races supplementing
>their economies with production of the drug, which had various narcotic
>effects on other species as well.
Crow: Hey - just say "No" to Ketracel White!
Tom: Yeah, stop the madness!
> Now these rogue soldiers, pathetic
>withdrawl-crazed shadows of their former selves, could be turned into
>dangerous killing machines by anyone who could supply the White and point
>them in the right direction.
>
Crow: Well, they'd attack anyone in the wrong direction too.
Mike: I suspect the Jem'Hadar don't get invited to many Tupperware
parties.
> The weapons on the Interceptor would eliminate the rogue Jem, but
>would tear the shuttlecraft apart as well.
Tom: [James Dean] You're tearing my shuttlecraft apart!
> Lieutenant Stens had no choice
>but to grab a phaser rifle from the armory drawer on-board and employ some
>of the tactics she had learned during the occupation.
Tom: She gritted her teeth, took a deep breath and ran as fast as she
could in the other direction!
Crow: [Stens] So long, self-insertion boy! See ya in the next fanfic!
> She bolted outside of
>her ship without bothering to close the armory and began to fire upon the
>rogue Jem.
>
Mike: Aim and shoot. It took her years to learn that.
Crow: By the way, how exactly are all these Dominion warriors just showing
up on Bajor?
Tom: They took a bus, Crow. Duh.
> The Jem'Hadar howled as his flesh began to burn away under the
>phaser's devastating assault.
Crow: Which is ironic, because he *really* needs a tan.
> He slowly turned towards the source of the
>blast and began to run towards Lieutenant Stens.
>
Mike: Let's see - someone fires a phaser set on "Deep Fat Fry" at him, so
he runs directly *towards* it! Gee, it's hard to figure out why
they lost the war.
> On board the ship, Dave was monitoring the situation. "I need a
>weapon, guys. Any ideas?"
>
Crow: [Tom] Sorry, my interociter's in the shop for repairs.
Tom: [Crow] We could throw rocks at it.
> Tom bent over his panel for an instant. "Hang on." Momentarily, a
>Bajoran phaser rifle appeared.
>
Mike: Then, in a flash, it was gone again.
> "Servo, I could kiss you!"
>
Tom: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's not go there!
Crow: I don't know, Tom. A little man-on-bot action might be a daring
change of pace in the fanfic world.
Mike: Okay, Crow, now you're creeping me out too.
> "Leave the drawer open, and it's mine. First rule of the underwear
>collector."
>
[Silence]
Mike: Tom, the more I learn about that sordid little hobby of yours...
Tom: [indignant] It's not me! It's Hines! He's created a warped little
shadow of me, *and* he's sullied the noble art of underwear collection!
> Dave refused to contemplate that for a moment
Crow: Huh. Dave *is* smarter than he looks.
Tom: Hey!
Crow: [Tom] Ooooh, once again, my pointless undie collection saves the day!
Tom: [Crow] Woe is me, I cannot meet the blistering standards my idol, the
inimitable Tom Servo, has set!
Crow: [Tom] How will I ever...
Mike: Enough is enough, guys! Sheesh!
> as he opened the hatch
>and opened fire on the Jem'Hadar that was advancing slowly on Lieutenant
>Stens.
>
Mike: [Dave] Hey, hands off the chick, man! She's private stock!
> The wretched creature had long since lost any tactical knowledge
>beyond simple instinct, and couldn't deal with this two-front attack. It's
>head
Tom: It is head?
Crow: Eet ees balloon-head!
> turned one way and the other and Dave and Kara kept firing.
Mike: [Jem'Hadar] Duuuh... Babe - dork. Babe - dork. Duuuuuhhhh...
>Eventually, the poor creature was put out of its misery.
>
Tom: Yeah, but *we're* still here!
> "That was disturbing." said Dave, shocked into understatement by the
>fact that he had just killed a sentient, or at least formerly-sentient
>being.
>
Mike: Escape, flight, destruction of property, assault of a security officer,
and now he's killed someone. And he's the *good* guy!
> "Welcome to the universe, Mr. Hines.
Crow: You must be at least THIS TALL to enter the universe.
> But thanks for saving my life"
>replyed the Bajoran officer.
>
>Chapter Fourteen:
>
> Sloan gasped in pain.
Tom: [Dr. Smith] Ooh, the pain - the pain!
> His shuttlecraft, the U.S.S. Ashby,
Mike: Oh, David, David, David.
Crow: Dragging her into this too?
Tom: Lynxie? We deeply apologize for Davey's actions.
> laid in
>pieces around him, and he wasn't too much longer for this world.
Crow: [Redd Foxx] I'm comin', Elizabeth!
> Oh well,
>this body had served its purpose.
>
Mike: Time to trade it in for the newer, sportier "Charlize Theron" model.
> As he finished his gasp, the sound of a standard Federation
>transporter rang through the silence of the wrecked shuttlecraft and the
>jungle beyond.
>
Crow: Crashed shuttle?
Tom: Jungle?
Mike: Dave's apparently a believer in the "Suddenly a Truck Ran Over Them"
school of writing.
> "Just when I think we've seen the last of you, you keep turning up
>again, Sloan."
>
Crow: [Sloan] Mere death isn't enough to stop me! I'm back to save the
Federation again by doing random bad things!
> "Always (cough) a pleasure to see you as well, Dr. Bashir."
>
Tom: [Bashir] That cough sounds bad. Would you like me to take a look at you?
> Bashir began his medical ministrations upon Sloan. The Hippocratic
>Oath was the Hippocratic Oath despite how distasteful it could be at times.
Mike: Hippocratic Oath - in Liver, Vinegar, Carp, and new Boiled Okra flavor!
>"It wasn't too hard to figure out. These type of circumstances always seem
>to point to your presence. The false skin color threw me,
Tom: [Bashir] Blue was a bad choice. Makes you look like that bald chick
from "Farscape"!
> but the backwards
>name was the clincher."
>
Crow: [Bashir] I knew you were lame, Sloan, but really...
Mike: [Sloan] It fooled Sisko and the others, didn't it?
Crow: [Bashir] That's not - okay, it did, but it's *still* lame!
> "Sometimes, you can hide something by making it far too obvious.
Tom: But if you're not careful, you'll just go back to the 5th Dimension.
>Had to see if you're still on your toes, Doctor. The invitation to join
>Section 31 stands, you know."
>
> "Not interested.
Mike: [Sloan] Then how about my new, non-evil covert group, Noitces 13?
Crow: [Bashir] Hey, cool! Sign me up!
> I joined Starfleet to help people, not to topple,
>murder or kidnap them.
Crow: [Bashir] That's just a hobby, okay?
> Tell me though, why try to kidnap Hines? What was he
>to you?"
>
Tom: [Sloan] He was in a Nielsen Family. His not viewing "Freakazoid!"
got it canceled!
Crow: [Bashir] I'll get a phaser.
> "What was he?
Mike: [Sloan] He escaped from Marrissa *alive* and with all his limbs
*intact*. We have to know how he did it!
> Q managed to transport him more than four hundred
>years into the future! An actual future, not just a fantasy world, mind
>you.
Tom: [Sloan] And certainly not a contrived fanfiction aberration.
> His case was the most direct application of Q's power we've seen!"
>
Mike: I don't know. I thought when Q had tea and no tea at the same time
was pretty impressive.
Crow: I saw Q make Tom Green tolerable for an entire 15 minutes once.
> "So?"
>
Tom: Ahh... the razor sharp insights of Dr. Bashir.
> "So, some of the Federation's top scientists have beliefs that Q's
>powers may be explainable by some of our advanced theories of hyperspatial
>dynamics!
Crow: Others believe Q just has some big powerful juju.
> The chance to study him may result in our being able to
>accomplish the same things as those in the Q-Continuum."
>
Mike: Irritating smugness and cloying condescension?
> An unpleasant thought passed through Bashir's mind.
Tom: [Bashir] They might try to put me on Voyager!
> "You would have
>just asked the man unless you needed to dissect him."
>
Crow: [Sloan] Hey, do you know just how prohibitively time consuming the
paperwork for compulsory involuntary vivisection is?!?
Mike: Pshaw. McCoy would have just passed a salt shaker over him and
he'd have all the answers.
Tom: They can do an autopsy with a tricorder, but they have to dissect
someone to find out how they wrote a fanfic.
> "One man, doctor. Isn't that loss worth it for a chance to be able
>to simply wish away the next Borg or Dominion attack?"
>
Tom: Oh, he's trying to become Rick Berman!
> "The second I make that choice is the second I betray everything
>that the Federation stands for."
>
Crow: [Sloan] So, that'd be when, 10:15?
> "Doctor, you never change."
Crow: [Sloan] Admit it! The Disco look is over!
Mike: [Bashir] Never! Retro is fashionable again!
> With that, the body of Luther Sloan
>turned to dust and started blowing away on the jungle wind.
>
Mike: Elsewhen, Kansas got a nice big royalty check.
Tom: *sniff* We'll miss you, Trumpy.
>Chapter Fifteen:
>
> Without warning, Deep Space Nine went completely dark.
Tom: Somewhere, Ensign Ramirez had just plugged in his hair driver,
overloading the entire system.
Crow: That or Quark tried running his "Naughty Vulcan Milkmaid" program
on all the holosuites at the same time. Again.
> As artificial
>gravity cut out, the hapless occupants may have seen the U.S.S. Neylon
>undock and start flying away.
>
Tom: It had a new web address and everything! But it still hadn't been
updated since March...
Mike: He'll update it soon, Tom. Get over it.
> Onboard, the hale and hearty figure of Luther Sloan ordered "Engage
>the Cloaking Device."
Mike: Immediately, the cloaking device's friends threw it a bridal shower.
> The Neylon silently disappeared into the dark night.
>
Tom: Just like...
Crow: Finish that line and I torch your underwear collection.
Mike: Thank you, Crow.
Crow: Hey, I owe him. He's got "Earth vs. Soup" archived there.
>Chapter Sixteen:
>
Mike: Another five line chapter?
Crow: Dave, once is artistic - twice is just plain lazy.
> A few hours later, the affects of the worm program that had enabled
>Sloane to escape had been completely flushed from the computer system.
Tom: Deep Space Nine residents were once again able to play Free Cell.
> Nog
>was still a little insecure about his talents compared to those of the
>absent Miles O'Brien, but especially when teamed with his father, was
>able to make short work out of most computer crises.
>
Mike: Especially since those nice folks from User Friendly stopped by.
Even if they did insist on trying to install UNIX on everything.
> Dave was taking the opportunity, with his robot friends, to quickly
>tour Deep Space Nine as a free man.
Mike: [Dave] I am not a number! I am a free man!
Tom: You are number six.
Crow: Who is number one?
> He wistfully remembered his taking
>leave of Kara.
Crow: She was heading back to Argo City - Faye Dunaway was up to her
old tricks again.
> "I declare you djen'kalra." she had said.
Tom: Which was Bajoran for "minimum distance of fifty yards".
> Roughly
>translated, it was a combination of ally, friend and to a very limited
>extent, betrothed.
Crow: Wow! For a shy, socially backward geek, he sure works fast!
Tom: Better take notes, Nelson.
> He certainly intended to visit Bajor on a regular basis.
>
Tom: Dave's getting delusional now.
> With Section 31's influence on the situation ended, progress on his
>case was happening at a remarkable rate.
Crow: It had gone from "glacial" to a blistering "molasses flowing uphill"!
> A special session of the
>Federation Congress had confirmed his Federation citizenship, by inferring
>his American citizenship into United Nations citizenship and thus into
>Federation citizenship.
Mike: Immediately, the Federation Revenue Service hit him up for four
centuries' back taxes.
> He was originally a little awe-struck thinking that
>the session was exclusively for his case, but soon realized that the
>Congress
Tom: Had nothing better to do anyway.
> was worried about the precedents involved and wanted to set them
>right for posterity.
Tom: Plus, it was as good an excuse as any to vote themselves a pay raise.
> Who knew what other visitors would be coming out of
>the past?
>
Crow: Sammy Sosa, Dylan Thomas, Carson Daly...
Tom: Crispin Glover, Pitt the Even Younger, funnyman Carrot Top...
Mike: Charlemagne, Wendell Wilkie, Renee O'Connor of TV's "Xena"...
> As he approached the airlock leading to his runabout, he encountered
>Admiral Sisko there.
Tom: Then Sisko rips off his mask, and Shazam! It's Sloan again.
> "Mr. Hines, I wanted to apologize for your
>inconvenience."
>
Mike: Inconvenience?
Crow: To Sisko, supernovas are a mild set-back.
> "Not at all, Admiral. Thanks for the help. I will be seeing you
>again."
>
> "I look forward to that." With that, Admiral Sisko walked away.
>
Mike: [Sisko] I hope he bought that. The less I see of him, the happier
life's gonna be!
> Dave opened the airlock and entered his shuttlecraft.
>
Crow: Oh, is *that* what the kids are calling it these days?
>Chapter Seventeen:
>
> "Guys, begin pre-launch sequence."
>
> Dave walked over to his console, alerted by the flashing "Message
>Waiting" notation.
Tom: It was a 3-D holographic message that began, "LEARN THE SECRET OF
MULTI-LEVEL MARKETING!"
> As he pressed the equivalent of play on the 24th
>century's version of the answering machine, Martin Sussex's face appeared.
>
> "Hi, Dave.
All: Dave's not here, man!
> You wouldn't believe the time we've had on the Endeavour
>since you left. I can't let you in on too many of the details, classified
>information you know.
Tom: [Martin] Let's just say we kicked a little Ardie-cay Utt-bay!
> Suffice it to say, Jay finally proposed to Marrissa.
[All snort]
Crow: *That's* classified?!?
Tom: Well, it *is* the impending mating of the Lord High Protectrix of the
Universe, y'know, so everyone drop what you're doing and take notice!
Mike: That's breaking a few regs, isn't it?
Crow: Just morals, but what's that ever had to do with Marrissa?
>Jay even commented to me later that defending her honor from you is what
>got the ball rolling on that whole thing.
[Stunned, appalled silence]
Tom: Does - does that mean that - that Dave and - and...
Crow: And that he - and he tried - tried to...
Mike: With - with *Marrissa*?
All: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!
> In any event, both say that all's
>forgiven, and they'd like you to come..."
>
Crow: But if she's marrying Jay, then... [notices Mike & Tom eyeing him]
I should just shut up now, right?
Tom & Mike: Right.
> As the recording continued to talk, Dave frowned. "Sorry, I don't do
>weddings."
>
Mike: At least not "Royal Weddings".
Crow: Unless I'm on a "Field Trip".
Tom: Or somewhere else "Away from Home".
[pause]
Crow: Um, do you guys realize we just, um...
Tom: Let's not think about it, okay?
> "...it's going to be the media event of the Federation, so I hear.
Tom: It'll be even bigger than Brad & Jennifer's wedding.
Mike: Woah, Servo, let's not exaggerate.
>We've got a seat reserved for you inside of the chapel.
All: o/` Marrissa's - gooooin' to the chapel and she's - gooonna get
maaaarried... o/`
> At the reception,
>they're even going to be spending some time with the old earth custom of
>karaoke..."
>
Crow: Ah, I see the theme for Marrissa's wedding will be as expected -
"Pure, Unbridled Evil".
Mike: Just when you thought humanity had evolved...
> At that last word, Dave's face lit up.
Mike: [Hines] Hey! I'm tone deaf! That'd be perfect for me!
> "I'm there. Gypsy, set course
>for Essex."
>
Tom: In its own way, that's even *more* disturbing than him having made a
play for Marrissa.
> "In any event, all the details are attached at the end of this file.
Crow: [Dave] Damn, my Hotmail account won't let me get attachments that
large.
>I'll suspect we'll have some stories to swap, starting with the one about
>how Marrissa had to be brought back from prehistoric Earth by Q!"
>
Crow: [Martin] There's this really great one about a priest, a rabbi and a
velociraptor who walk into a bar...
> In the background, Crow had gained departure clearance and the
>runabout was on its way, carefully restoring the satellite illusion before
>it had left the station.
>
Mike: Say, I wonder how he eats and breathes, and other science facts.
Tom: Well, geez, Mike, I mean, he's got a replicator and an air recycler.
Crow: Yeah, and a really complex on-board computer, too.
Mike: Oh. Oh, yeah.
Crow: Sheesh! Sometimes I worry about you, Nelson!
>Chapter Eighteen:
>
> "In any event, all the details are attached at the end of this file.
Mike: Wow! We're flashing back to - um, last chapter?
Tom: Nostalgia's just not what it used to be.
>I'll suspect we'll have some stories to swap, starting with the one about
>how Marrissa had to be brought back from prehistoric Earth by Q!"
>
Mike: [Dave] Sorry, I don't do lame Marrissa stories. Oh wait, yes I do.
> "Interesting. Very interesting..."
Crow: [Arte Johnson] But shtupid!
> said Luther Sloan to himself.
>Placing bugs was a standard Section 31 tactic.
Crow: Oh, I get it! Then they call up to get rid of the bugs, and Sloan
disguises himself as the exterminator and they let him in the house!
Tom: Hijinx, naturally, ensue.
> His sources would offer more
>information before he reached Essex, but it sounded like there would be at
>least a million years, possibly even two or three million years of Q-
>powered time travel apparent in Captain Marrissa Picard's cells,
Mike: So being time-traveled leaves you charged up with Q-Continuum power?
> as opposed
>to the paltry four hundred or so he would have gotten from the troublesome
>Mr.Hines.
>
Tom: YES! C'mon, Sloan, get out yer tools and let's go to work!
Crow: Well, hell. Jean-Luc went back to the frelling start of the universe!
Why not get *him*?
Mike: Don't give him any ideas!
> He ordered his helm officer to lay in a course for Essex, and
>excused himself to his Ready Room. This was a plot that required some
>finesse.
Mike: So he broke out his evil shampoo and conditioner!
> He had been a bit crude in his attempt to procure Mr. Hines and
>that had led to failure, and the loss of one of his clones.
Crow: He was beside himself with grief.
> Picard was a
>very high-profile officer and member of royalty. This plot would require
>some finesse.
>
Tom: Or at the very least, some Pert Plus.
> It was a pity that one of the finest officers in the fleet would be
>lost, but Sloan alone knew what the Federation needed to survive.
Tom: Finesse?
Mike: No, according to him, it was a cheese grater, a mulberry-scented
candle-in-a-jar, and one of those Singing Sunflowers.
Crow: Luther's not a well man.
> Sometimes
>it wasn't as bright and cheerful as all the Julian Bashirs in the Federation
>would hope for.
>
Tom: "*All* the Julian Bashirs"?!?
Mike: I guess Sloan's not the only one out there with a clone squad.
> He would let her have her wedding. He wasn't a cruel man.
Mike: Just a very silly one.
Tom: Actually, Jay might disagree with that point.
> But soon,
>oh yes, so very soon, she would be his.
>
Mike: Geez, now he sounds like Dr. F!
>The End?
All: YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT, PAL!
Crow: Let's scrambola before we see any more of Tom's undie fetish!
Tom: Oh, like *your* hobbies are any great shakes!
Crow: At least mine aren't banned in 49 states!
[Tom & Crow continue to bicker as they leave]
O |2| <3> (4) {5} [6]
[SOL Bridge - Mike is standing between Crow & Tom, who have their backs
to each other]
Crow: Cretin!
Tom: Jerkwad!
Mike: Look, you guys, enough is enough, and this is too much!
Tom: Don't tell *me*, Nelson - tell the Golden Boy over there!
Crow: Mike, please inform *Mister* Servo, provided he can tear himself
away from himself long enough to listen, that the fault lies not
with me, but with his own bubbleheaded bubble head!
Tom: And in return, Nelson, please invite Mr. Crow to kindly *jump up my
hoverskirt*!
Mike: Aw, c'mon fellas! You're letting this thing get to you!
Tom: Mike, I can take a joke as well as the next robot, but what Crow
said just went too far!
Crow: Oh, look who's talking about going too far! The king of the world!
Mike: Well, just what *did* the two of you say to each other?
Crow: He said, uh, he said - um....
Tom: And Crow said that - aaaaah, that is it was, uh...
Mike: Now see? You can't even remember what it was that set you off,
can you?
Tom: Well, no. [pause] But it's the principal of the thing, blast it!
Crow: Absolutely! We agree 100% - it doesn't matter what it is that
we're mad about.
Tom: Yeah, all that matters is that each of us has sworn undying enmity
towards the other!
Mike: *sigh* Look, you two have been friends for a long time, right.
Tom: Yeah. Or so I *thought*!
Crow: Oh, how sharper than a serpent's tooth...
Mike: [interrupting] The two of you are semi-mature, reasonable facsimiles
of adults. Are you going to admit that a little thing like a -
like a *story* can come between you?
Crow: [uncertainly] Well...
Mike: A *Star Trek* story? A *Marrissa* Star Trek story?
Tom: Ummm, I guess that...
Mike: [twisting the knife] A *Self-Insertion* *Non-Ratliffian* *Marrissa*
*Star Trek* story?
[Pause. The two turn to face each other.]
Crow: Awww, he's right, Servo! Are we gonna let something like that do us
in, pal'o'mine?
Tom: Heck no, buddy-boy! All for one, and one for all, I say!
Crow: Yeah!
Bots: YEAH!
Mike: Now that's more like it. So, which of you two wants to give out
the usual info?
Crow: I say let my bestest pal ever, Tom Servo, do it!
Tom: Oh, I couldn't possibly. The honor should go to the one and only
Crow T. Robot!
Crow: Nonsense, my friend, I defer to your expertise!
Tom: Please, Tom, you can do it *so* much better than I!
Crow: What's that supposed to mean?
Tom: Nothing, just that..
Crow: I recognize that "sarcasm" thing of yours, Servo! You're mocking me!
Tom: No I'm not! Not that that isn't a fertile field, of course, but...
Crow: Oh, like *you're* so perfect, Underwear-Head!
[The two continue arguing under as Mike shakes his head]
Mike: Well, this is apparently pointless. Why don't you take care of it,
Magic Voice?
Crow & Tom: Huh?
Magic Voice: Will do, Mike. To join the MiSTing Authors Dibs List, send
an e-mail to "majo...@pinky.wtower.com" with the message
"subscribe dibslist" in the message body. Be sure to read the FAQ
at "http://www.masemware.com/mst3k/faq.shtml", don't work blue, and
treat your robotic chums right. I'm gonna take five, okay Mike?
Mike: Sure thing, Magic Voice and thanks. Now, let's -
Crow: Boy, Mike, you don't mess around when you play favorites, do you?
Mike: Huh?
Tom: We work and we work and we work around here, and then you stab us
in the back in favor of Magic Voice!
Mike: Now wait a second...
Tom: I mean - boy! You have zero concept of loyalty, you know that?!?
Crow: Friendship and devotion? Oooh, never mind those when Mike "Benedict"
Nelson rides into town!
Tom: C'mon, Crow, let's get out of here before he decides to sell us for
scrap or something!
Crow: Yeah! Boy, y'think you know a guy...
[They wander off, leaving a very non-plussed Mike in their wake.
The message light begins to flash]
Mike: *sigh* Apparently, my role in life is to be the UN to their
Yugoslavia. [hits button] So - what's happening with you,
Pearly Whites?
[CF - The three are still gathered around the screen, frowning at a
clipboard]
Pearl: Interesting, interesting. Apparently, the expected effect of turning
the robots against each other was countered by Mike's presence.
Observer: So perhaps the key to subverting their wills is separating them?
Pearl: Yeah, but that's no good - according the Mad Scientists' Guild
guidelines, they've gotta all go down together or it doesn't count!
Observer: That does present a bit of a problem. Bobo, your opinion?
Bobo: [studies the clipboard closely for a moment] Hmmm - I think I've
spotted a pattern.
Pearl: Really? Where?!
Bobo: [pointing] Right there. That mustard stain looks almost exactly like
John Stamos!
Pearl: [rolling her eyes] Gosh, thanks, *so much* for that stunning
insight, Chim-Chim! [to screen] Well, Nelgram, it looks you get to
live and fight another day. But someday, somehow, I'll find the key
to breaking your will. And when I do, Mike - when I do, you'll bow
down before me and -
[Suddenly, a great noise and commotion occurs off-camera]
Observer: Heavens to Murgatroyd!
Pearl: What the blazes was *that*?!?
Bobo: Oook! Ack! Look out, Lawgiver! It's - it's *her*!
Pearl: Who? *Who?!?*
[In marches a very agitated young girl, dressed in a Starfleet Captain's
uniform and brandishing a phaser rifle. If you don't know who this is by
now, you haven't been paying attention.]
Marrissa: All right, where is he?!? Send out that no-good louse!!!
Pearl: Now look here, sister, you can't just -
Marrissa: *Quiet!!!* I can do whatever the heck I feel like because I'm
a Starfleet captain and a princess and whatever the heck else I
feel like being! Now - where's that rat?!
Observer: Perhaps it would help if you were to tell us exactly *which* rat
it is you're looking for?
Marrissa: Hines! I'm looking for Dave Hines! He's playing in *my*
universe without my express written permission!
Bobo: Um, *your* universe?!?
Marrissa: That's right, *my* universe! I don't care what Ratliff and
Berman say - it's my universe! Mine *mine* MINE!!
Observer: Um, of course it is.
Pearl: Riiiiight.
Marrissa: Now - where's Hines? I followed his trail to this joint!
Pearl: Well, sorry to disappoint you, dearie, but all we have is the
story - we haven't seen hide nor hair of Mr. Hines himself.
Marrissa: Blast! [gestures to screen with phaser] What about him?
Pearl: *snort* Nelson?!? Yeah, right! He's stuck up in space - and what
are the chances he'd run across your personal bete noir up there?
Marrissa: [pauses for a moment] Yeah, I guess you're right. Well, I'm
off, then. Hines is out there somewhere, and wherever he is, I'll
find him. [softly and sinisterly, while cradling the phaser rifle
lovingly] Oh yes, I'll find you, all right! And when I do, mamma
gonna hafta spanky! Spankytime, Daveykins! [she wanders off,
muttering and giggling]
[The three stare after her a moment]
Observer: I believe it's safe to say, Pearl, we've found someone even
more psychotically evil than yourself.
Pearl: [upset] Do you say these things just to *try* and hurt me?
Observer: Oh. Uh, sorry.
Bobo: Um, Lawgiver, if it helps, *I* think you're the evilest evil
person I've ever met.
Pearl: No, buttering me up now won't work. Just - just go!
[Fade out - and as we fade, we hear]
Pearl: You really mean it?
Bobo: Sure!
Observer: [hissing] Kiss-up!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"OUT OF TIME" BY: Dave Hines
MiSTING BY: Bill Livingston (bil...@hiwaay.net), editor;
Matt Blackwell (mbla...@ix.netcom.com);
Doug Gale (do...@OverDriveMedia.com);
TV's Francis (fra...@net-thing.net)
MiSTING DIBS LIST MAINTAINED BY: Michael Neylon
PENTIUM III BY: Intel
I'LL KEEP YOU BY: My Side with My Superhuman Might
VERB: That's What's Happening
SPECIAL GUEST STARS: Beez McKeever as Captain Princess Marrissa Amber
Flores Picard
THANKS: to MiSTies, MuSTies, RATMMers, the teachers of America, the cast
of "The West Wing" and the inventors of the automatic ice maker.
SPECIAL THANKS TO: Dave Hines, for letting me riff on his story; and
Stephen Ratliff, for letting Dave work his territory.
"Star Trek", "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" and all associated characters
and situations are trademark of and (c) Paramount. All rights reserved.
Come visit Scenic Bajor - home of the 2388 Summer Olympics!
Marrissa Picard, Martin Sussex and the rest of the Kids' Crew aren't
exactly copyright Stephen Ratliff, but they're an integral part of his
fanfiction work, and is so noted. Remember, vote for Marrissa for
Omnipotent Universal Dictator where you work or bank!
Dave Hines is copyright Dave Hines. Remember, he's *not* the Dave Hines
from "Enterprized".
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" trademark of and (c) Best Brains, Inc.
All rights reserved. Anyone home? Jim? Barb? Beez? Hello?
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by others is intended or should be inferred.
No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or
should be implied. All characters in this work are fictional, and any
resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
The rest - is silence.
No file found for Aram Fingal.
Keep circulating the posts.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Ezri turned her back on the
>group and walked away, trying not to laugh out loud.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
bil...@hiwaay.net http://home.hiwaay.net/~billfl
"If you're dumb, surround yourself with smart people. And if you're smart,
surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you."
Isaac Jaffee (Robert Guillome), "Sports Night"