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[MSTed] 'Winter' [R1/2] [PG] [ANIME]

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Warren

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Jul 2, 2000, 3:00:00 AM7/2/00

*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)

(The future isn't what it used to be....)

"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON THREE)

EPISODE 27: WINTER

(A Ranma 1/2 MSTing set in the Satellite of Hate Universe)

MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering
my own ass here folks....

"Ranma 1/2" is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and all the
distributors of her work.

"Winter" is the property of Joseph Palmer and he's welcome to it.
I do not intend to offend him for making fun of his work like this but I
figure no one else ever will. Think of this as another form of C&C. It's
all meant in good fun. ;)

* * *

SATELLITE OF HATE

It was unusually quiet aboard the bridge as Crow B. Robot went
about the daily ship's duties that no one else could be bothered with.
Trying to get Tom or Joel to do anything beyond building the occasional
evil invention or unleashing destruction on whatever hapless target
happened to wander in front of the Satellite's weaponry was a monumental
effort that simply wasn't worth the trouble. However, on this one particular
day, at least one of his friends actually had a good reason for not lending
a hand....

The sound of high pitched, Joker-esque laughter brought Crow
out of his reverie as he looked up at his creator. The face of 'Evil' Joel
Robinson was pale and covered with a thin layer of sweat. A long thread of
drool hung from the corner of his mouth, nearly touching the floor while his
eyes appeared ready to burst from their sockets.

"How're you holding up, Joel?" Crow inquired cautiously.

"SILENCE, KNAVE!!! I AM THE PIRATE KING AND I
DON'T NEED MY EGO FED!!! FOR I... AM... IRONMAN!!!
RRRRrrrrrrrahhhhhherrrrAAAHHHH!!!" Joel sang in a deranged warble.

"Man, who knew a little O2 depravation could provide so much
entertainment...." Crow snickered as he watched Joel struggle to bring
what little remained of the precious, life-maintaining oxygen on the bridge
into his aching lungs. "Y'know, Joel, you have no one but yourself to blame
for this... I warned you against taking pot shots at the last supply
shuttle...."

"LOOK OUT FOR THE FROGS!!! THEY'RE TRYING TO FRENCH
KISS ME!!! KERMIT, NOOOO!!!" Joel screeched as he frantically began
swatting the air for imaginary objects.

"Hoo boy, he's vaporlocked all right...." The voice of Tom Servo
remarked as he hovered onto the bridge, leaving little purple drips trailing
behind him.

"Tom!!! I just finished cleaning those floors an hour ago! If
you MUST get a new paint job every month, can't you have the decency
to wait until it's dry?!?" Crow snarled at Tom.

"Ah, cool your jets, Crow. I'm just airing myself out. Speaking
of which, how long do you think it'll take for Joel's brain to starve itself?"

"DON'T TOUCH THAT DWARF!!! HAND ME THE PLIERS!!!"
Joel screamed as he suddenly buried his head like an ostrich into his command
chair. A moment later, the viewscreen flickered and came to life. A
concerned Dr. Frank had his attention focused on Joel while T.V's
Forrester stood off to the side looking far less concerned and even a
tad smug.

"Hello again, boys! I just want to let you know that the supply
shuttle was finally delivered to us this morning and we loaded it up with
a fresh batch of supplies, including a three month supply of oxygen!"
Dr. Frank announced in his annoying, overly cheerful manner.

"Yay...." Crow and Tom cheered weakly while Joel merely
gurgled in reply.

"It should be docking with the Satellite of Hate as we speak.
In the meantime, Joel, there's an emergency supply of air in the theater
that should hold out until the main tanks are replenished. Why don't
you go there and cool your jets for a while?" Frank said with a smile.

Joel remained where he was, now trying to lick the crumbs from
the seams of the seat cushion. "Hold on, I'll get rid of him," Crow said
as he cupped his hands to his mouth and exclaimed. "THE SIX FINGERED
MAN IS IN THE THEATER MAKING OUT WITH PRINCESS
BUTTERCUP!!!"

Joel's head immediately shot up from the chair, his mouth covered
with crumbs as he pulled an imaginary sword from his belt and screamed,
"MY NAME IS INIGO MONTOYA!!! YOU KILLED MY FATHER!!!
PREPARE TO DIEEEEEEE!!!" Joel leapt to his feet and immediately
slumped to the floor only to do the Worm all the way over to the theater
doors.

Once he was there, he pulled himself up to his knees, made three
chopping motions into the air and then threw a final chop at the theater doors
which missed when they opened for him, striking the hard floor instead.
Whimpering in pain, Joel tucked his legs close to his chest and the door closed
behind him.

"Yes, we are dreadfully sorry that the new supply ship took so
long to arrive," Dr. Frank apologized. "I asked Forrester to put a rush
order on it but I guess they were quite busy because it took them forever
to send it over!"

"Uh-huh." Tom glanced at Forrester who smiled and gave a
knowing wink. Dr. Frank failed to notice as he continued to focus his
attention on the trio.

"While we're waiting for the shuttle to finish docking, let's see
if you've been putting your time to good, productive use!" Dr. Frank
rubbed his hands together eagerly. "Since Joel isn't here at the moment,
Crow, I'm putting you in charge of presenting this week's invention!"

"Gee, and here I was thinking I didn't have enough to do as it
is...." Crow muttered under his breath before stepping forward to address
Dr. Frank. "Umm, I'm afraid Joel never got around to doing an invention...."

"...but don't worry, Dr. F, cause *I've* got an invention ready to go!"
Tom finished for him as he reached under the counter with his fully functional
arms and placed a washtub filled with various hygiene products on top of it.
"You owe me one, Beakface...." he whispered to a surprised Crow before
continuing his demonstration.

"What I invented here is a little gem will single-handedly
revolutionize the hygiene industry! Two-in-one hygiene products! You
know those pizza places that offer you two pizzas for the price of one?
Well, now I've applied that same theory to all of these hygiene products
that humans use on a daily basis to fool themselves into thinking that
they're more than a disgusting, stinky, breeding ground for germs!"

"Way to stick it to the fleshy bipeds, Tom!" Crow said,
impressed as Tom began randomly pulling items out of the washtub.

"And when I say two-in-one, I'm not talking about lame-o
products like Pert Plus... no, no, no... I'm talking about REAL money
savers! Like this tube of underarm deodorant that doubles as toothpaste!
Just roll it on and then scrape it off! Not only does it remove plaque,
but it keeps your gums from perspiring!"

"Umm... that's really... intriguing..." Dr. Frank replied, trying
his best to hide his disgust.

"Or how about these?" Tom held up a twelve pack of miniature
soap. "Soap bars that double as breath mints! Use them in the shower then
pop them in your mouth for breath that's not only minty fresh, but Zestfully
clean!"

"Oh, dear.... I mean, please c-continue...." Dr. Frank groaned
as he swallowed nervously, his face turning pale.

"And that's not all! I've got lipstick that can remove unsightly
zits! No need to switch products! Just apply to your zits and then apply
to your lips! And then there's my specially treated washcloth that doubles
as toilet paper; just rinse after use and it's good as new! And for those
*special* nights when you may get lucky, how can you possibly
deny the convenience of shaving cream that doubles as contraceptive foam...."

"Uumph!!" Dr. Frank's face abruptly turned olive green as he
frantically clamped a hand over his mouth and ran off-camera. The sound
of violent retching could be heard in the background as T.V's Forrester
glared at Tom. "Geez, thanks a lot, you guys! Now I've got another mess
to clean up! I just finished mopping up the floor a hour ago!"

"I know what you mean...."Crow muttered sympathetically as he
once again found himself glancing down at the spotted trail of purple paint
that Tom left behind. "So, what's Dr. F's invention this week, anyway?"

* * *

CLOUD 9

"Boy, I tell ya, it's a real doozy. Dr. F's really outdone
himself this week...." Forrester whistled.

"Well, let's see it then!" Tom snapped, impatient.

"Hold your horses!" T.V's Forrester snapped as he winced at
the sound of Dr. Frank tossing his socks. "He told me he wanted to
present this one to you PERSONALLY...." Forrester whispered as Dr.
Frank staggered back into view, still a little green around the gills.

"Well now..." Dr. Frank began. "That was MOST unpleasant.
I don't think I need to tell you the flaws of that... invention, do I?"

"Oh yeah, like Joel's inventions are any better!" Tom shot back,
offended, as he grabbed the washtub and shoved it back under the counter.

"Be that as it may, my invention this week is considerably
less... grotesque." Dr. Frank walked over to a large oval shaped object,
covered by a white sheet. He took a moment to fully compose himself
before continuing, a strange twinkle in his eye.

"As you may or may not be aware, chemical warfare is one of
the many unfortunate things that our world has to contend with. From
Napalm that burns the skin to hemorrhagic fever caused by the Ebola
virus, it's a very nasty business indeed. So I have developed an invention
that will not only remove these vile plagues from humanity... but may put
an end to chemical warfare altogether."

Crow and Tom looked at each other for a moment before turning
their attention back to the viewscreen.

"Okay, we'll bite," Tom replied.

"What is it?" Crow asked.

"Behold! The first ever antibiotic bio-weapon in history!
The A.I.D. bomb!" Dr. Frank exclaimed, dramatically, as he pulled the
sheet off with a flourish to reveal a modified World War II surplus bomb,
painted white with a big red cross on the side.

Crow and Tom facefaulted. Moment later, the bots managed to drag
themselves off the floor and back on their feet. "Let me... get this
straight..."
Crow gasped. "You've invented...."

"...a biological weapon that releases antibiotics into the atmosphere!
Yes! Isn't it marvelous?!" Dr. Frank replied enthusiastically.

"Um, Dr. F, do you realize how dumb that sounds?" Tom asked in
disbelief.

Dr. Frank's face fell. "Dumb? DUMB? Don't you see the
potential in a weapon like this? The next time we have any sort of
biological warfare, this bomb can be used to instantly nullify the situation!
Then the people of whichever country we were fighting with will be so grateful
to me... uh, that is, to us, that they'll forever be in our debt and cease any
further chemical hostilities!"

Tom couldn't help it, he burst into uncontrollable laughter while
Crow rolled his eyes. "Dr. Frank... I think you've finally snapped the last
wheel on your trolley...."

"Scoff if you must...." Frank admonished.

"SCOFF! SCOFF!" Crow and Tom replied loudly.

"...but I'm prepared to give you a complete demonstration of
how the weapon will work. First, I load the chamber...." Dr. Frank
said as he CAREFULLY lifted the A.I.D. bomb from a vertical position.
His muscles were straining as he struggled to carry it over to
a special loading chamber built into the floor.

"Oh, Dr. F, you've got a little barf on your shoe," Tom pointed out.

"What? Where? I don't see anything!" Dr. Frank dropped to
a crouching position to look closely at his shoe, accidentally ramming the tip
of the A.I.D. bomb hard against the floor.

"HOLY SHI...." were the only words Forrester could get out before
a massive explosion engulfed them both.

* * *

SATELLITE OF HATE

Crow stared as a thick cloud of white smoke obscured the
viewscreen. "WHOA!?! Do... Do you realize what you just did!" Crow
gasped.

"Yep, I just blew up the Mads. Guess we won't be getting any more
good fanfics, eh?" Tom replied happily.

"I wouldn't bet on it... Look!" Crow exclaimed as the smoke
began to clear.

A very disheveled Dr. Frank and T.V.'s Forrester stared blankly at
them. They appeared to be shaken up but none the worse for wear. In
fact, their skin looked surprisingly healthy and blemish free.

"Well, Dr. F, you may not have stopped chemical warfare, but at
least you still have your health!" Tom giggled.

For the briefest of moments, an emotion that resembled something
never before seen from Dr. Frank, a look of cold fury, flickered across
his face, and disappeared just as quickly. Then the calm, almost tranquil
smile returned.

"Yes, well now, that was entirely uncalled for. If I were to react
in an immature and juvenile manner, I would be tempted to retaliate...
immediately... savagely... PAINFULLY... *ahem*" Dr. Forrester cleared
his throat before continuing. "Fortunately, I have risen above
such childish impulses and my absolute faith, that you will one day rise
above them as well and follow in my humanitarian footsteps, will not be
shaken, nor will my civility be tossed aside...."

"Famous last words...." Crow muttered.

"Anyway, it's time to get down to brass tacks," Dr. Frank continued.
"Your experiment this week is the first part of 'Seasons', a famous mini-series
by Joseph Palmer that dealt with refreshingly original methods of getting Ranma
and Akane to understand one another. Normally, I would send you the entire
series, but I've decided to stick with the first one and see if you respond
better
to shorter experiments. I sincerely hope you can appreciate the beauty of
'Winter', and always remember... this is for your own good. Be well!"

As Dr. Frank's image disappeared from the screen, Crow shook his
head with disbelief. "I can't believe Dr. Frank really thinks that if he keeps
sending us all these cheesy fluff fics that we'll *magically* transform into
self-righteous, overbearing, ridiculously naive, anal-retentive,
goodie-two-shoes wannabe phonies like him!"

Tom shrugged. "Maybe he got hooked on Family Matters and
took it a little too seriously?"

"Heh. That's possible...." Crow muttered as alarms and sirens
suddenly rang out.

"OHHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!" Crow cried out.

(Door 6: It's the door to heaven. You climb up the long stairway and
knock, knock, knock.)

(Door 5: It's an unlocked film vault door. You open it up and beat the
living crap out of some furry puppets before moving on.)

(Door 4: It falls away from you, missing your foot completely.)

(Door 3: It's a door with a big number 3 painted on it. Monty Hall
tries to lure you away with what's in the box but you choose the door anyway.)

(Door 2: It's made of Scissors. You hurl rocks at it until you clear a
path through.)

(Door 1: It's permanently open due to rust.)

(Door .7: The camera pans upward where a small hatch falls to the floor.)

Crow walks into the theater with Tom in his arms, Joel having
already seated himself some time ago. Stepping over the air grate that
prevented Tom from entering the theater on his own, Crow placed Tom
down on the theater seat on Joel's right and then took the seat to Joel's left.

Crow: Feeling better, Joel?

Joel: You bet! What happened while I was out of it?

Tom: Ah, you know, the usual....

Crow: Stuff happened, Dr. Frank blew himself up, it was cool.

>[ A Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction ]

Tom: Parentheses Pictures proudly presents....

Joel: Um, actually, those are brackets, Tom.

Tom: Oh sure, Joel. Screw up my perfectly good alliteration just
because of a technicality!

>Winter

Crow: ...of our discontent.

>by Joseph Palmer

Joel: The golf guy wrote a fanfic? THIS I gotta see....

>Ranma opened his eyes slowly and stared at the the beams in the ceiling.

Crow: You don't don't say?

Joel: <Ranma> Funny, I've got a sudden craving for bourbon....

>He had never noticed them much before, but tonight they looked
>somehow different.

Tom: <Ranma> Why, if I didn't know better, I'd swear those beams were
on the verge of... AHHHHHHHH!!! <makes crashing noises>

>The sharp shadows that were normally cast across the panels were
>somehow softer, the light a little bluer.

Joel: It's a Labatt's commercial!

>Ranma gave a little shiver,

Crow: Oh yeah? Who'd he give it to then?

Tom: Yeah, baby! Shake that money maker!

>this was easily the coldest night so far and he could feel it.

Crow: ...in his nipples.

>He turned over onto his stomach, and began to pull the blanket up over
>his shoulder. His chest began to feel colder, and ... wet.

Tom: <Tom Hanks> Has anyone told you about your drooling problem?

>A moment later she sat up and inspected the futon with her hands.

Crow: <Ranma> I sense great evil in this futon... oh wait, it's mildew.

Joel: <Ranma> Ewww! The bedbugs took a leak!

>A large wet spot covered the left half, and next to that,

Crow: ...the right half.

Tom: ...a large brown spot.

>lay a much battered galvanized bucket.

Tom: That bucket should fight back and stop being a victim!

>Ranma-chan looked at her father who was at the time a very large and
>slightly damp panda.

Joel: <Genma> I'm HUGE... and slightly DAMP!

Crow: But later he would return to his true form... Don Amiche!

>She thought on that a moment and taking into account the clues at hand,
>formulated a hypothesis that fit all of the clues.

Crow: <Ranma-chan> I'm female. And someone's responsible!

Tom: <Ranma-chan> Uh, I think the butler did it!

>She got up and hefted the bucket with a mind to bean her father with it.

Joel: ...and a body that would put Britney Spears to shame. BOOYAA!!!

Crow: <rolls his eyes> Hoo boy, here we go again....

>The handle made a small creaking noise that seemed to shoot through her.
>She froze, listening to the echo of the sound fade.

Tom: ...then she glanced down to see a gaping wound in her chest and
realized she had been sniped.

>The house was quiet.

All: TOO QUIET....

Joel: Not a creature was stirring cause Ranma-Neko ate the mouse.

>The constant murmur of Tokyo was somehow muted except for the sound
>of a distant train whistle. Ranma-chan set the kettle down.

Tom: <Ranma-chan> Kettle? Where did THAT come from? I could have
sworn I was holding a bucket a few sentences ago?

Crow: <Ranma-chan> Odo? Is that you, Odo?

>She would wait for tomorrow to settle the score.

Tom: <Ranma-chan> 15-Love, my ass!

Joel: And what an as....

Crow: <glares at Joel>

>Perhaps there might even be a skin of ice on the pond.

Tom: <Ranma-chan> That way, when I hear the crack of the ice after
piledriving my old man's skull through it, I can pretend I killed
him! It's a great way to relieve stress!

>She slid open the door and stepped out. The hallway was awash in
>a soft light.

Joel: Ultra Downy soft light!

>Her attention was drawn to the window. Outside snow flakes were
>skating aimlessly downward,

Tom: Suddenly, one of the snowflakes snuck up behind another one and
clubbed it behind the knee!

Joel: <snowflake> Why me? Why me?

>dodging and pausing as if each were following a complex
>choreographed dance.

Tom: Riverdance?

Crow: Mashed Potato?

Joel: Funky Chicken?

>She picked out a single flake and followed it down towards the white
>blanket that covered the yard.

All: <whispering> CONFORM... CONFORM....

>Mesmerized, she gazed out at the streetlight as the snow picked up.

Tom: Glad something in this fanfic is picking up, cause it sure as hell ain't
the PACE!

Crow: It's supposed to be set at this pace, Tom! Haven't you ever heard
of a mood piece?

Tom: Yeah and this fic is a real mood piece of....

Crow: <sighs> Never mind.

>Some time later she shivered, stifled a sneeze and thought that she
>should get out of her wet clothes.

Joel: I disagree! Wet clothes show off your figure better!

Crow: Oh, pipe down, will you?

>How long have I been standing here? she thought. Must be this girl
>body that makes me act like this.

Joel: Yeah, guys can't be sensitive... We have to be drooling, sex crazed,
Neanderthals because showing a sensitive side is like SO unrealistic for us!

Crow: Are you being sarcastic?

Joel: <shakes his head> Um, I'm not sure.

>Silently she slid down the stairs and into the kitchen.

Tom: Wow, that must be some curve on that banister!

Crow: <Ranma-chan> YABBA DABBA DOO!

>She filled a kettle and put it on the burner and snapped the control to
>start the flame, but there was no hiss of gas,

Tom: It was more like a muffled explosion.

Joel: Fortunately, Ranma-chan had Taco Bell earlier that evening and
after a little fumbling with a cigarette lighter, she had the burner lit
real good....

>just the gentle whir of the refrigerator and the ticking of the clock.

Tom: ...and the throbbing of my headache from reading this schlock.

Crow: Hickory Dickory Dock.

>She tried the thermos, but all that came was a trickle of cold water.
>Maybe the bath is still hot enough she thought.

Joel: <Ranma-chan> And if not, I could always call Shampoo over....

Crow: And let me guess, then you'd call Ukyou to bring the water up
to a slow boil and finally add a little Kodachi for spice?

Joel: Bingo! And it serves up to eight hentais!

>The laundry room seemed a bit warmer, and the the glow
>from the night light was all she needed.

Crow: Man, who edited this thing? Jacob Two-Two?

>Ranma pulled off the wet pajamas and tossed them into the laundry
>basket,

Tom: Along with her *-chan* suffix.

>picked up a large towel and slid the door to the bath.

>A rush of warm slightly scented air passed over her, then a cold draft
>from behind hastened her to close the door.

Joel: <Ranma> Eek! Jack Frost's nipping at my ass!

Tom: This fanfic keeps hot air hot and cold air cold, but how does it know?

>She was reaching for the lights when a voice from the tub stayed her hand.

Crow: <voice> They call me Mr. Bubble... wanna watch me pop?

>"Ranma... please leave the lights off." Akane said. Ranma turned and
>saw Akane in the tub, still looking out the window.

Joel: OH YESSS!!! Incoming lesbian bathtub lemon scene! WOO HOO!!!

>"Akane, Oh, ah, sorry, I'll come back later." Ranma said and fumbled
>for the door.

>"Wait...", Akane said. "Its O.K., don't go."

Tom: <Akane> Ranma! Forget that door and come play with MY knockers!

Crow: <sighing> Et tu, Brutus?

Tom: Heh heh heh....

>"But you're..." Ranma-chan swallowed. " ...in the tub."

Joel: <Akane> I know! I filled it with margarine just for us!

Tom: Ah, the *-chan* suffix is back....

>"Come in and warm up before you catch cold. Besides, you wouldn't
>even want to peek at a tomboy anyway, right? Ah... don't answer that."

>Ranma sighed

Tom: ...and there it goes again.

>and stepped gingerly into the other end of the tub,

Joel: <Ranma> Hey, what's with all the rose petals?

Crow: <Akane> They're for you, my Americ... er... Japanese Beauty.

>carefully avoiding glancing at Akane, and grateful that she had left
>her a way out without putting her foot in her mouth, at least not yet.

Crow: Still, isn't this just a *little* OOC for Akane to let Ranma take a
bath with her? Even in girl form?

Joel: Hey, shut up! They're naked together in the tub and that's good
enough for me!

Tom: Next you'll be saying C is for cookie.

>"So what are you doing down here anyway, Ranma?"

Joel: <snickers>

Crow: <Ranma, blushing> Ummmm, looking for the soap?

>"Near as I can tell, Dad felt a bit cold in the middle of the night
>and decided he would be warmer as a damp panda.

Tom: <Ranma> And I thought the smell of wet dog was pungent... PHEW!

>He managed to spill half a bucket of water on my futon in the process.
>I came down to look for some hot water so I could turn back."

Joel: <Ranma> Oh yeah and I stared at a bunch of snowflakes for
a while and nearly froze to death. But, hey, you chicks do that sort of thing
all the time, right?

>"Why did you want to turn back? Couldn't you just have dried off and
>changed upstairs?

Tom: <Ranma> You're right. And while I'm at it, why don't I give
up trying to find a cure for my curse altogether! Yeah, I really LIKE being
a girl now! I like perverts like Happosai and Kunou fondling me and I like
being humiliated by dressing and acting like a girl! Mmm! Give me more
of that!

>"Yeah, but I get so cold in my girl body." Ranma paused, "I never
>told anyone that."

>"It'll be our secret."

Crow: <Akane> Don't worry, Ranma, I won't tell anyone how much of a
whimpering little wuss you become when the temperature drops a tad.
Your pathetic little phobia is safe with me... big pussy.

Joel: Nice double context there, Crow.

Crow: Bite me, Joel.

>"What are you doing up so late, and in the bath?"

>"And with my inazuke?" Akane finished.

Crow: And using gratuitous Japanese in your dialog?

Tom: <Ranma> Geez, have you been taking manipulation lessons
from Nabiki or what?

>She gazed out the window.

Joel: <Akane> What could be keeping Santa?

>"I love to watch the snow. Once when I was little mom brought me
>in the tub during a snow storm and we sat here and watched together.

Joel: And then they made snow rolls.

Crow: If she was little mom then, would that make her teenage mom now?

Tom: This ain't America, Crow....

>Ever since then I like to sneak down at night when it snows, especially
>the first snow of the year like tonight. I think about things, I think about
>mom sometimes. No one knows..." She paused and looked at Ranma.

Joel: <Ranma, whispering> ...the trouble you've seen?

Crow: <Akane, giggling> I'm sorry, I completely forgot my line! Joseph,
can we start over from the top?

>"... but you." Ranma looked at Akane shyly. Akane smiled.

Joel: Oh, she must be a graduate of....

Tom: <grabs Joel's mouth with his fully functional arms> One word
about the Nuku Nuku School of Smiling and I'll yank yer lips off!

Joel: ...Smpspormpht.

>"Shouldn't you be changing soon?"

>"It takes longer when the water isn't real hot."

>"I like it warm like this, I can stay in longer when It's not to hot."
>Akane said.

>"Sorry its taking so long,

Joel: <Akane> Well, can't you speed it up? I haven't got all day!

Tom: <Ranma> Why? Are you THAT anxious to see me naked
as a guy?

>I tried the kitchen earlier, I couldn't get the burner to light, It sounded
>like the gas was off, and the thermos was empty."

Joel: No, it wasn't! There was a trickle of cold water! Continuity!

Crow: Maybe the kitchen's on strike?

Tom: Consider the abuse it's taken from Akane's cooking, I'm not surprised.

>That's funny though," Akane said "Kasumi heated lots of water for tea
>tonight, Nabiki was out with her friends, and our fathers were drinking
>sake all evening. There should have been some in the thermos, and
>anyway the burner should be working."

Joel: <Akane> Dammit! I want your masculine ass in my tub, NOW!

>Ranma felt the change coming, a not unpleasant tingle in the most
>affected areas,

Tom: So THAT'S why Akane splashes him so much... it gets him off.

Joel: <Ranma> My area is tingling! It must be working!

>followed by a something that felt like he was flexing his muscles, but
>it happened involuntarily.

Tom: Ah, the Lex Luger Syndrome.

>He had tried from time to time to slow the process, with no effect. It
>was like trying to slow down a hiccup or a sneeze.

Crow: Why would you want to slow down a gender change?

Joel: <Ranma> Hmm... so THIS is what it feels like to be Oscar!

Tom: Ugggh....

>His increased size caused a little wave to cross the tub, which splashed
>Akane's chin and overflowed a couple of splashes into the drain.

Joel: Ooooooohhhh... his increased "size"... I get it.

>Akane giggled. "Finally! I was beginning to think you might
>have been stuck that way again!"

Tom: So Akane has no problem with Ranma being in the bath with her
as a guy as well as a girl?

Crow: <Ranma> Okay, who programmed you and what has he or she
done to the REAL Akane? Did Kun-Chan send you?

>Ranma was suddenly and acutely aware of Akane's presence.

Joel: Translation: It's boner time.

Crow: Looks like the prozac finally wore off.

>The lilt of her voice made his heart pause a beat, and he suddenly
>recognized the scent in the air

Joel: <Ranma> Eww, you cut one, didn't you?

Tom: <Mission Control> Uhhh... Houston, we have Lemon Scene on
re-entry with the story....

>was from her shampoo or something or other she used.

Joel: Akane using Shampoo?!? Why couldn't they show THAT scene?!?

>He nearly panicked, she was just across the tub from him, and the glow
>from outside made her look so... so...

Crow: ...radioactive?

Joel: ...pregnant?

Tom: ...strong with the force?

>cute.

Tom: ...as a bug's ear.

>"I'd better go before we get caught together." He said.

Joel: <Ranma> If Akane catches me in the tub with a naked girl, she'll
tear me a new... heyyyy, wait a minute!

>"Don't worry, with all the sake our folks had, there's little chance that
>either one will be up and around till late morning,

Crow: <Akane> Thank god our parents are alcoholics, eh?

Tom: This message brought to you by the Booze Council. Don't want
your parents spying on your late night activities? Load 'em up with fine
quality booze!

>and Nabiki was home late, and Kasumi..." Akane paused and looked
>perplexed.

Tom: <Akane> Shoot, what was the line again? Arrrgh! It's too early!
I can't think!

>Ranma had regained most of his wits, and for once without getting
>into an argument.

>"What about Kasumi?" he asked.

Crow: <Akane> Are you seeing her behind my back?

Tom: <Ranma> Nah, more on the side, actually. Thank you!

>"She was acting strange, when I came in she switched the TV off
>made up a strange excuse and rushed into the kitchen.

Tom: <Kasumi> Err... um... I was just... um... waiting for... for... the
oven timer to go off! *ding* Yeah! There it goes!

Joel: Kasumi Tendo: Couch Potato? Find out in the next episode of
'Caught on Tape!'

>When I turned it back on the weather was still on.

Crow: And the horrifying truth of Kasumi's crush on Willard Scott
finally came to light.

Tom: <Kasumi> Oh my... Willard can announce my birthday anytime....

>And when I went to bed I saw her slip into her room with a bucket..."

Joel: Maybe she's got the flu?

Tom: <Akane> Thank goodness I decided to keep a constant surveillance
on my sister so I could learn this crucial information!

>"You don't really think she soaked my futon and planted the evidence on
>pop, do you?

Crow: What is this? 'Murder, She Wrote', all of a sudden?

Tom: So let me get this straight... Kasumi watches the weather channel
for the first snowfall of the year, gets her father and Mr. Saotome drunk,
gets rid of Nabiki, sabotages the kitchen, takes a bucket, fills it with cold
water, waits till Ranma's asleep before dumping it on him and then plants
the evidence on his father... <takes a deep breath> ...and by doing all
these things, Kasumi hopes that Ranma will wake up, see the snowfall
from a feminine point of view, go downstairs to the bathroom for some
hot water and walk in on Akane naked in the tub, with the slim chance
that Akane will be too sentimental to mallet or argue with him and that
they might bond emotionally? <pants for breath>

Joel: Nah, that Kasumi bucket theory just doesn't hold water. Thank you!

>And I was looking forward to dumping him in the pond tomorrow."

Crow: <Ranma> Guess I'll have to settle for shaving all his fur off again.

>"Why must you always fight with your dad?"

Joel: <Ranma> Well, I've been doing it ever since I was six and I've
developed a nasty addiction to it. I'm trying to cut down to one skirmish
a day though....

>"I don't..." Ranma protested, then stopped, thinking that he didn't
>want to start an argument now.

Crow: <Ranma> This is shaping up to be a good one and I want to save it
for Pop and me!

>"I don't know, mostly it's just training, sometimes he makes me mad
>on purpose, sometimes I get mad about some of the dumb things he's
>put me through."

>"Like..." Akane probed.

Tom: <Ranma> Well, let's see... Engaging me to Ukyou? Dropping me
repeatedly into a pit of cats? Knocking me into the cursed spring of
drowned girl? Does any of this ring a bell or did Shampoo wash your
hair recently?

>"Like the trip to China, the agreement with my mother, and anything
>having to do with Happosi."

Crow: <Akane> Who?

Joel: <Ranma> Happosi! Happosi!

Crow: <Akane> Happo see who?

Joel: <Ranma> Happosi polka dot panties ripe for the stealing!
Heh heh... heh... kill me.

>"What about his deal with my father?"
>Ranma froze. "That's ..."

Crow: ...a crock of monkey snot! And you know it!

>he turned dark red. "That's OK."

Joel: <Ranma> I'll just hold my breath till I turn blue.

>They sat in silence for a long time.

Tom: <imitates the sounds of crickets>

Crow: Cry havoc and let loose the dogs of introspection!

>The wind picked up a bit, and the snow relented a little, but the result
>was a near white out.

Joel: <snickers> This fanfic could use some of that right about now....

>Somewhere in he house a board creaked with a snapping noise that
>startled them both.

Tom: <ominous whisper> GET... OUT...

>"I was just thinking..." Akane broke the silence.

Joel: <Akane> ...that you're in the tub with me NAKED as a GUY?!?
RANMA, YOU PERVERT!!! *SMASH!* *CRASH!* *WHAM!*

>"about someday sharing this with my own daughter."

>"Or son." Ranma added, as if in a trance. They looked at each other
>for a long time.

Tom: Boy, their fingers must REALLY be pruning by now.

>Finally Akane said, "We should go to be.. go up"

Crow: <Ranma, giggling> Go to be go up?

Tom: <Akane, laughing> I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I promise, I'll get the line
next time!

>"OK, I should probably go first " Ranma got up pulling a towel
>around his waist. He stepped out of the tub and started to the door.

Crow: Then he slipped on some soap. The towel went flying.
Hilarity ensued.

>"Ranma..." Akane had turned in the tub and was watching him with
>her chin on her crossed arms on the edge of the tub. "...good night."

All: <singing> ...sweetheart... good night....

>"Good night Akane."

Joel and Tom: <singing, barbershop> Good night Akane! Good night Akane!
Good night Akane! We're off to screw Shampoo!

Crow: <rolling his eyes> You guys....

Joel and Tom: <snickering>

>Ranma closed the door, dried off and got dressed
>in some sweats He had neglected to bring up earlier.

Crow: Bring up? I thought the bathroom was downstairs?

Tom: Ranma's "he" gets capitalized? What is he, the messiah or something?

>He climbed the stairs and paused at the top to look out onto the yard.

Crow: <Ranma> HIRYU SHOTEN HA!!! Heh, that ought to keep those
raccoons away from our garbage cans....

>The snow had stopped, leaving a gleaming blanket over the yard and
>rooftops as far as he could see. It was like a gift package, and in just a
>few hours the town would awake and like an impatient child tear off the
>wrapping without stopping to notice.

Tom: Thus, Ranma took it upon himself to ki-blast anybody with a shovel.

>Pretty, isn't it!" Akane whispered.

>Ranma nearly jumped out of his sweats.

Crow: Somehow I doubt Akane would have minded.

>"How- how long have you been there?" he gasped.

Joel: <Akane> Long enough to have memorized every centimeter
of your butt.

>"Just a minute or two." She gave Ranma's hand a squeeze, and stood
>on her toes to whisper in his ear, "Good night again."

Crow: <Ranma> Sayyyyy... are you coming on to me?

Joel: <Akane> I let you take a bath with me as a guy... figure it out,
Shamus.

>As she brushed past him, he was again aware of her closeness, her
>bouquet, the warmth of her breath on his cheek.

Tom: ...the nibbling of her teeth on his earlobe, the perkiness of her nipples
against his back, the soft touch of her leg as she rubbed it against his
crotch....

Crow: <Akane> Cripes, if this doesn't clue him in, I might have to break
out the Barry White albums....

>Ranma watched as Akane walked down to the end of the hall

All: <imitates sleazy trombone music>

Joel: <Leslie Neilsen> She had the kind of legs you'd like to suck on
for a day....

>and with long practiced moves opened her door silently. She turned
>and gave him a smile and a little wave,

Crow: The role of Akane Tendo will now be played by Mae West!

Tom: <Akane> Why don't ya come up and see me sometime, Ranma?

>then was gone, the door closing noiselessly behind her.

Tom: Foley artist must be on a break.

>How long was she there he wondered.

Crow: She just told you it was a minute or two, dickweed!

>Perhaps there's more to it than just my girl body after all.

Joel: <Ranma> ...NAHHHH!

>Ranma entered his room and carefully laid down on the futon.

Tom: *squish*

Crow: <Ranma> Right! It was the RIGHT side that was messed up!
Ohhhhh, I am so stupid....

>The ceiling looked the same as it always did, the same distinct patterns
>of shadow and light.

Joel: What does he expect to see up there? A planetarium?

>At least something was back to normal he thought.

Crow: <Ranma> Now if I can only find out what the hell is the deal
with Akane?

>He laid his head in his hands his thoughts reeling through the events
>of the evening.

Tom: <Ranma> Boy, I wish my thoughts would include a few commas....

>He rolled over onto his stomach, his chest began to feel cold,
>and a not unpleasant tingling sensation began....

Crow: Wait a minute! Did this fic just lap itself?

>End.

Crow: Couldn't have said it better myself.

Joel: <singing> This is the ending... the ending of our story... the ending....

>This story came out of nowhere.

Tom: And went in the same direction.

>I hope you liked it, as you can tell, I prefer the romatic side of the Ranma
>and Akane story.

Joel: I like my Ranma and Akane story sunny side up!

Crow: Scrambled for me!

>I've watched the entire TV series (in Japanese), the movies, the OAVs

Tom: ...in Latin.

>and have collected all of the manga (Including #31, just out!)

Crow: ...in Braille.

>and my favorite part of the story is the slow building romance between them.

Joel: Well, my favorite parts are....

Crow: Joel, I think we all know what YOUR favorite parts are by now.

Joel: Heh.

>While not authentic to the original, I too subscribe to the theory that
>Kasumi knows far far more than she lets on.

Crow: BIG SISTER IS WATCHING, KIDS!

Tom: Hey, wasn't Joseph the one who preached against people who write
out-of-genre fanfics? How come he doesn't take his own advice?

>I honestly love to get Email from folks who have read my stories

Tom: <Joseph> Especially the flames! I keep every one! Love em!

>if you liked it, please drop me a little note:

All: D'oh!

>jpa...@best.com

Tom: <singing> Simply the best.com! Better than all the rest.com!

>My other stories can be found at my home page:
>http://www.best.com/~jpalmer

Joel: <Doorman> Think your home page is better than ours?!?

>The characters and stories of Ranma 1/2 are Copyright (c) Rumiko
>Takahashi, and are used here without permission or licence.

Tom: ...or regard for proper spelling.

>No claims to the above copyright are made by the author of ths work.
>This work is for non-commercial use ONLY, and is produced for the
>enjoyment of fans only. This work is the expression of the author

Crow: I'm guessing then that the author spent just a little TOO much
time staring at the snow....

Joel: Hey, it beats snorting it up your nose!

>and the depiction of the Ranma 1/2 characters herin are in no way
>represented to be a part of Ranma 1/2 as depicted by the original
>author and copyright holder(s).

Tom: If not completely satisfied, please send the unread part of the fanfic
to Joseph Palmer and cram it down his throat for wasting your valuable time.

Joel: Heh.

>-- This story was entirely written on a Psion series 3A computer.

Crow: Gee, wouldn't it have been easier to write on a flat surface like a table?

>"Winter" 1994 Joseph Palmer

Joel: Six years later and still sucking the bag.

Crow: Aw, come on, it wasn't THAT bad... granted it could have used
some editing and the circumstances that brought Ranma and Akane
together was kinda cheesy....

Tom: VERY cheesy....

Crow: ...but, at least the author made it unique and avoided most of the
clichés that a lot of stories tend to use nowadays. That has to count
for something.

Joel: Yeah, but they had Akane and Ranma NAKED together in a tub and
they... they... didn't do ANYTHING! What a gyp!

Crow: <groans> Trust you to look at the story from a hentai point of view....

Tom: Ah, lighten up, Reverend. Besides, at least it was shorter than the
usual junk Dr. F forces us to read.

Joel: And that's a good thing! Come on, let's blow this popcicle stand,
Tommy! I got me a hankering for some Wacky Race RPG with Clay!
<Joel stands up and scoops Tom up with one hand>

Tom: I'm with ya, Joel! Literally! Heh heh... coming, Crow?

Crow: Right behind you....

* * *

CLOUD 9

"Dr. F? Oh, here you are! Are you feeling okay?" Forrester
asked as he entered Dr. Frank's to find him lying on his bed, staring
up at the ceiling.

"Hmm? Oh, I'm quite all right. I've just had a... bad day," Dr.
Frank replied quietly, a somber look on his face.

"Well, yeah, considering we nearly blew ourselves up with a
modified World War II surplus bomb, I think that can be considered a
bad day!" Forrester chuckled, trying to be cheerful. "But hey, tomorrow's
another day, right?"

Dr. Frank knew what his assistant was trying to do but he found
himself smiling all the time. "Quite right, Forrester! I suppose it's foolish
to feel sorry for myself because of a minor setback...."

"Yeah, rubber tips on the bomb might be a GOOD idea for next time,"
Forrester replied nervously.

Dr. Frank laughed. "I'll be sure to add that modification as soon as
possible! And speaking of modifications, I notice you've modified your usual
attire this evening...."

"Oh, this?" Forrester gestured down at his green sports jacket and dress
pants. "Yeah, I've been invited to a Clue Murder Mystery Party on Cloud 4
and I'm playing the part of Mr. Green. I'd invite you to come with me but
we've already got a Professor Plum...."

"That's quite all right, Forrester. You have yourself a smashing good
time! I'll be fine all by my lonesome," Dr. Frank insisted.

"Okay, I'll flip the lever on the way out then! Seeya later!" Forrester
replied as he left the bedroom. Dr. Frank yawned and stretched out on the bed,
giving serious consideration to a nap when a faint chiming sound could be
heard in the distance. Dr. Frank groaned as the sound was heard again. Then
he rolled out of bed and walked briskly to answer the hail from the Octfield
viewscreen. The Octfield slowly opened to reveal a man in a gray jumpsuit
similar in design to Joel's and the words M. NELSON neatly stitched above
the breast pocket.

"MIKE?!?" Dr. Frank screeched, his face going completely white
with shock. "Is... Is that really you? I thought you were dead!"

"Hey, come on! Is that any way to say hello... to your son?"

...AND THE MSTINGS
CONTINUE...

I hope you enjoyed this and C&C is very welcome. (fca...@yesic.com)

Author's Notes: Heh, sorry for the cliffhanger ending but I figure it'll give
me some good ideas for the next time I do a SOH MSTing. This one has
been in the works for a while now and after dealing with some personal
problems as well as a case of writer's block, I'm back in business! I've
already got the next MSTing underway and it should hopefully take a lot
less time to finish than this one did.

I've been MSTing for over three years now and I want to thank each and
every person who's send me words of support and encouragement and
who have helped me throughout these last three years. I treasure every
piece of fan mail I receive and I consider it a great honor that some
people have dedicated their MSTings to me and tell me that I helped
encourage them to start MSTing. To all of you, thank you from the
bottom of my heart and I hope I can continue to inspire and make you
laugh for a long time to come. :)

Also, I'd like to give personal thanks, once again, to Gary Kleppe, whose
C&C and suggestions are always appreciated. I can't say enough nice
things about this guy! :) If you haven't had a chance to check out his
latest works 'The Ghost Prison' and 'For a Dying Friend', you can reach
him at kle...@mediaone.net or his webpage at
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html and I'm sure he'll be happy
to send the story along to you.

I'd also like to give personal thanks to Flashman, who helped me go over
the inital draft of this MSTing with me and suggested some riffs. You can
find all his works, which includes his own series of MSTings, at
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Dojo/3105/

Finally I'd like to thank Joseph Palmer for writing 'Winter' and giving
me his blessing to MST it as well as a lot of material to work with. I
hope you're not offended. It's all meant in good fun. :)

Shizen's Versatile Home Page V3.0 (My MSTing and Fanfic Pages can
be found here.)
http://svhp.webjump.com/
(Alternate site: http://www.tass.org/fanfic/MST3k/)

Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings
http://lefty.simplenet.com/svam/

SEASON ONE
------------------
101- "GAMES" by Artemis (SM Lemon)
102- "ARTEMIS'S LOVER" (Original Draft) by Oscar (SM Lemon)
103- "SAILOR JUPITER VS. GODZILLA" by The Flashman
(SM/GODZILLA CROSSOVER)
104- "JUDGE BRAINITITE" by Dr. Thinker (SM Fanfic)
w/short "RANMA 1/2: ACCUSED PT. 1" by Karmin (R1/2 Fanfic)
105- "THE WAR" by M. Llave (R1/2 Fanfic)
106- "TRANSITIONS" by Richard Lawson (Nuku Nuku Fanfic)
107- "HELLRAISERS" (Original Draft) by Aaron Eaton
(La Blue Girl/Overfiend/Original Crossover)
108- "MEN OF BOKKEN" by M. Llave (R1/2 Fanfic)
109- "BISHOUJO SENSHI ROYAL RUMBLE" by Ken Hoinsky
(SM/WWF Crossover)
w/short "THE DINNER PARTY" by Chris Curzon (SM/RL Crossover)
110- "XMAS SPECIAL: SAILOR MOON MEETS FATHER
CHRISTMAS" by Dr. Thinker (SM Christmas Fanfic)

SEASON TWO
-------------------
201- "THAT GIRL" PT. 1-2 by Oscar (SM Lemon)
202- "VIRGIN WARRIOR SAILOR MOON" by Umino (SM Lemon)
203- "*R*P*M*" by Flynn (SM/SPAWN Crossover)
204- "RANKO'S LIFE" PT. 1-2 by Hitomi Ichinohei (R1/2 Fanfic)
205- "TRAPPED" by Mr_Jazz (SM Lemon)
206- "OSCAR TOON" PT. 1-4 by Oscar (SM/DBZ/WB Crossover)
207- "CALIFORNIA DREAMING" by Shakari (Mutiple Crossovers)
208- "A RANMA 1/2 FANFIC" PT. 1-2 by Sheep (R1/2 Fanfic)
209- "TRIANGLE TANGLE" by CATS (SM Lemon)
210- "THE KIDNAPPING" PT. 1-2 by SMendou (UY Lemon)

SEASON THREE
----------------------
301- "A WET DREAM COME TRUE" by Mike Rhea (R1/2 Lemon)
302- "TORTURED ECHO" PT. 1-4 by Trakal (R1/2 Fanfic)
303- "RANMA KILLS!" PT. 1-2 by Sir Asayogure (R1/2 Fanfic)
304- "OKONOMIYAKI SUMMER" by Mike Rhea (R1/2 Fanfic)
w/short "UNDER THE MISTLETOE" by Mike Rhea (R1/2 Fanfic)
305- "XMAS SPECIAL: A CHRISTMAS FIT FOR A POKEMON"
by Dr. Thinker (Pokemon Christmas Fanfic)
306- "9-BALL DREAMS" PT. 1-2 by Mr_Jazz (SM Crossover Lemon)
307- "WINTER" by Joseph Palmer (R1/2 Fanfic)

SHORTY!
-------------
101- SUBLIMINALLY SEDUCE WOMEN INSTANTLY!
102- THE UGLIEST WOMEN ON THE NET!
103- PHEROMONES!
104- THE INTERNET SPY AND YOU!!

OTHER MSTINGS I'VE CONTRIBUTED TO
---------------------------------------------------------
"DIMISIONAL TROUBLE" by Dr. Thinker (SM Fanfic)
"MOONDUSTED" by Stephen Ratliff (SM/TNG Crossover)

Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings
http://lefty.simplenet.com/svam/

"THE COUNTESS CHRONICLES" by Lin Lin (SM Dark Lemon)
"9 1/2 CHIPMUNKS" by Toon Dreams (Rescue Rangers Yaoi Lemon)

Lefty's MSTings
http://lefty.simplenet.com/MSTings/index.htm

'MYSTERY WRESTLING THEATER 3000', POST 105: DOUBLE TROUBLE!
(Two interviews with the Ultimate Warrior and '3:16 Rulzs!' by Oracle)

Mystery Wrestling Theater!
http://members.aol.com/mrnoun/MWT3K.htm

"THE DAY OF EMERGANCE" by Jeffrey Lee
(Ranma 1/2/Eddings/SM Crossover)

Gary Kleppe's Comics and Manga Page
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html

OTHER GREAT WEBPAGES WORTH VISITING

The Homepage of Jeffrey "Oneshot" Wong
http://www.anime.sobhrach.com\~jeffwong\index.html

Zoogz's Fanfiction and Fandom Page
http://www.nav.to/Zoogz

JOLT!!!
http://users.uniserve.com/~xwing/

'Suicide Blast' by: Keener
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Temple/3342/Suicide.html
Additional links for Keener's stuff
-- http://tmffa.com/
-- http://www.redrival.com/myrriden/index.html