[MiSTing] "Omega Search: The Hunt for Jake Grey, Part II"
Jake Dominguez
-------------
MiSTed: "Omega Search: The Hunt for Jake Grey, Part II"
by Jake Dominguez
jakene...@yahoo.com
Original Authors:
Brian Webber, Jon Wade, Josh Mastin, Jason Liedgk.
[Author's Note: Hello again. My first MiSTing, "The Hunt for Jake Grey, Part
I"
did so well, I felt I should try again. I've decided to set this one in
Season
11, mainly because in my slimy little heart I yearn for MST3k to return, and
I'm
sure that I'm not alone. Here's my second humble offering. Enjoy, or
tolerate.]
In the not-too distant future,
next Tuesday A.D.,
There was a guy named Mike,
not too different from you or me.
He lives in Milwaukee,
And has a job
waxin' floors at the Pizza Shack,
a good-natured slob.
He watches bad movies,
to get rid of stress
but it was a dark day
when he got internet access...
"Unlimited Hours!"
Mike: "I found a new thing called fanfics,
some are pretty bad"...la la la
"I can't seem to stop readin them"
Tom and Crow: "His life is really sad...la la la."
Now keep in mind Mike just can't take
his hands from off the keys
he'll try to keep his sanity
along with his robot roomies!
ROBOT ROLL CALL!
Cambot: Action!
Gypsy: I'm the CEO!
Tom Servo: Where's my underwear?
Croooooowww!: No more rice!
If you're wondering how he eats and lives
on 50 bucks a week...la la la
try to keep in mind it's just a show
and the writers are up a creek!
On MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER THREE-THOUSANDDDDDD....and one!
[We pan through a the hallway of a dirty apartment complex, to one door,
paint peeling and the
number hanging loose. The door swings open, the knob falling off as it does,
and we go right
into a messy living room. Suddenly, the view shifts to Mike, sitting in
front of his computer.
Cambot is positioned between the monitor and Mike's face. Mike is wearing a
flannel overshirt, a
dirty blue T-Shirt and jeans.]
MIKE: Oh hi, everyone, Mike Nelson here. I just got a new computer and I'm
trying it out. It's a
beauty. 233 Mhz processor, 2 gig hard drive, and a 33.6 kps modem! Plus, a
23 inch flat-screen
monitor!
[From off-screen come Crow and Servo. They're holding bags of groceries and
they get have to
get fairly close to Mike to be included in the shot.]
CROW: Hi Mike, we're back from the store. We got the Hamdingers and
the...rice. Blech!
[Mike doesn't take his eyes from the screen, he gestures at Cambot to move
out of the way, and
Cambot does, slightly. Mike gives Cambot an impatient look and stares around
him.]
MIKE: Good. Hey, did you guys see my new computer?
TOM: Only for the last 3 weeks that you've been trying to set it up, Mike.
MIKE: Yeah, it's pretty cool. Dr. F shot me up before the Internet started,
and I'm getting
acquainted with the Information Superhighway. Oh look, Nitpicker Central.
Where have I heard of
this site before?
CROW: I dunno, maybe it's from one of those bad fanfics Pearl made us read.
MIKE: Let's check it out. Oh, a discussion board.
TOM: Um, Mike, our arms are getting a little tired. Where can we set these
down?
MIKE: Oh, the counter or something. Hmm...Classic Trek, Star Wars...an RPG
board..."Omega
Search"...looks promising.
[Tom and Crow exit briefly, and return without their groceries. They move to
look at the screen.]
TOM: Oh now, I remember. It's that lousy "Jake Grey" story we had to read a
few months ago. Say
Mike, have you seen my project?
MIKE: What project?
TOM: My Temporal-Readjuster Pistol. I kind of missed the Invention Exchanges
after Dr F. left,
so I worked on this in my spare time on the Satellite. I had to use all my
interocitor parts,
though.
CROW: Here it is, Servo.
[CROW ducks below the desk and reemerges with a multi-colored toy gun.]
TOM: Thanks Crow. I found out you CAN store the secrets of Time Travel on 8
five and a quarter
inch floppies!
MIKE: Yeah, that's interesting. Hey...a new section of "Archangel."
Opening...
CROW: Are you sure you want to do this, Mi-
[A beep sounds, and a robotic voice comes out of the computer]
VOICE: THIS IS THE WEBBER VIRUS. YOU MUST READ THIS ENTIRE PAGE OR WE WILL
MELT YOUR COMPUTER.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
MIKE: Uh oh, guys, I think this is serious.
TOM and CROW: Oh man...
MIKE: You guys will back me up here, right?
TOM and CROW: No way!!
[The BOTS try to leave, but MIKE grabs them both.]
MIKE: Come back here.
[MIKE quickly jumps up and pushes the couch in front of the computer. The
view shifts to behind
the couch, facing the monitor. MIKE and the BOTS sit down, grumbling. MIKE
in the middle, CROW
on his right, TOM on his left. The virus warning drifts off the screen and
the fanfic begins to
scroll.]
>---------------------------------------
>
>The Omega Search: The Hunt For Jake Grey Part Two
TOM: That's right, folks, no credits, because nobody deserves it!
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>By Brian Webber on Saturday, January 13, 2001 - 11:35 pm:
CROW: Not this guy again!
TOM: Count your blessings, Crow. At least he's not as bad as Rat-
CROW: DON'T SAY IT, Tom.
TOM: Sorry.
>The Archangel hangs in space. The gray dot that represents Grey's
monstourous warship grows ever
>bigger. The Shi'ar fleet,
MIKE: Digesting their lunch of pinto beans and cabbage, quickly produce...
>three MASSIVE battlecruiser six times the size of the Archnagel, but
CROW: Not afraid to cry while watching "Tootsie". They soon find that they
are...
>still dwarfed when compared to Grey's Monstrosity, surrounds the
TOM: Choice T-Bone steak with sauteed mushrooms and golden fried onions. Or
try our...
>Archangel, facing the growing terror coming towards them. The rear of the
Archnagel is dark,
CROW: Much like my thoughts.
>except for a pinpoint of light. It grows bigger as the shuttle bay door
opens. Behind the
>Archangel, a purple portal opens.
MIKE: *singing* A one-eyed one horned, flying pur...ple por...tal...
TOM: No.
>The shuttles leaves the bay, and shoots striaght for the portal. And in
less than second, it's
>gone.
MIKE: The crowd goes wild!
TOM: Was there a point to that little scene?
CROW: I'm sure it won't figure in later.
>The search for the omega particle begins.
>
>Grey will arrive in 11 minutes.
CROW: Better clean this place up!
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>By Brian Webber on Sunday, January 14, 2001 - 12:19 am:
>
>*A troll strolls
MIKE: By the polls with the holes.
>through an open archway onto the bridge of Grey's ship, Macedonia 1. The
madman Jake Grey sits
>in his throne, dressed like Alexander the Great,
TOM: Without the bronze underoos, though.
>the famous general after whom's home country he named the ship after.
CROW: Yes, of course.
>In a scrtachy voice the troll speaks*
MIKE: *Troll* Hey, I stopped by alt.fan.britney-spears, and said her boobs
were fake. Huh huh
huh!
>We will arrive at the target in 10 minute master.
MIKE: Shoot, and I only made 8 minute copies!
>*Grey smiles, a vile, evil smile.*
TOM: Isn't that a palindrome?
>Excellent. Is the Suncrusher weapon system active? I want to see what
effect it would have on a
>planet. I know it can cause a sun to go nova, and disentegrate entire
ships. But for a planet...
CROW: I make you special offer.
>*He frowns and shakes his head*
TOM: Which falls off his neck, onto the floor, and rolls out the door.
>Oh it will be beautiful TorGal.
CROW: *singing* I had a purty TorGal, her name was Texas Sue...
>*He turns to the Troll, smiling again. The troll smiles.*
TOM: *Troll* Mind if we pop in to alt.startrek.creative later?
>Beautiful indeed strong one. The Golems are ready to sluaghter any
survivors, master.
MIKE: Tina Wesson\ is going DOWN!
>Which ones will be landing? Stone, clay, flesh, iron, diamond?
CROW: Snot, Aluminum, Hair?
>*Grey scratches his chin*
MIKE: *Grey* Darn scabies.
>Hmmm. Well, we've confirmed the planet's native species is primitive. I
doubt they anything too
>powerful.
MIKE: Save the grammar rants, Tom. I have a feeling it'll get worse.
>Sending the iron or diamond golems would be serious overkill. We'll land
them in case of
>survivors.
CROW: Then maybe CBS will go back to airing lousy sitcoms.
>*He laughs. He then turns to the vampyres that manage the navigation
console.
MIKE: *Vampyre* If he makes one more "Le Fotostat" joke, I'm gonna suck the
life-blood outta
him.
>He fiddles with the amulet he wears.
TOM: *Grey* How do I program this thing to tape later on???
>All the vampyres promptly turn to face him, bowing on one knee to the man
who controls them*
MIKE: Ned Beatty.
>Continue course for the enemy fleet. I want to say what kind of pitiful
attempt to slow me down
>Greymoran has this time.
CROW: *Grey* He could have a grammar checker, the jerk.
>*the female vampyre stands up.*
TOM: Stand up and be counted!
>But Lord Grey, the engines slow down when we enter combat mode. Our test
will be delayed. Our
>Lord hates delays.
MIKE: It's not his fault it took him 2,000 years...
>*Grey sighs*
TOM: *Grey* I can't work with these amateurs...
>Oh my dear, you are quite correct of course. But, the delay will merely be
ashort one.
>Greymoran has to date failed in every attempt to slow down my campaign.
CROW: That whole "soft money" thing, pfft!
>Even back when the only ship I had was the I, Claudius. But, I won't kill
you, because you have
>given me an idea.
TOM: *Grey* I bet you can get really high from smoking banana peels, dude!
>We will act as though Greymoran's pitiful task force has delayed our plans.
Then we will launch
>the Darksabre on autopilot towards the planet, then pull back to just the
edge of Suncrusher
>range. He'll think we intend to use the Superlaser on the planet, and
attack it.
MIKE: Um, remember what happened to the first Darksaber?
CROW and TOM: Faaaaanboy!
>As soon as they are all out of the way, we'll fire the Suncrusher torpedo.
TOM: Man, this guy reads TWO Star Wars novels and already he's ruining the
genre.
>Assuming he's smart enough to figure out what we're doing, which I
seriously doubt, the torpedo
>will hit without interference.
CROW: *Krankor* Just because he has defeated us numerous times, what makes
him think he can do
it again? HAH! HAH! HAH!
>*Grey laughs again, laughs until he starts coughing*
MIKE: *Grey, stoned* Dude, in only 87 tokes!
>Oh man. Oh, I really need to learn to control myself.
CROW: *Vampyre* Dexatrim works well, sir.
>I'm gonna luagh myself to death at this rate!
TOM: Please do.
CROW: "Luagh?"
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>By Jackson Tacoman on Sunday, January 14, 2001 - 08:44 am:
MIKE: *singing* Taco, Tacoman! I want to be...a Tacoman!
[The BOTS stare at him]
TOM: So sad.
MIKE: Hey!
>Meanwhile, the shuttle has entered the Voyager universe.
CROW: Half the crew suddenly begin shooting everything in sight, and the
other half ponder the
meaning of life.
>Nearby is a planet that is producing the Omega Particle for power. Hudzen
and Tacoman examine
>the sensors and are amazed by what they see
TOM: Successful dot-com startups, Casual Every-Days, and buck-a-gallon gas.
>Tacoman: Amazing... trillions of Omega Particles powering the planet, all
contained.
>Ok... Hudzen, beam one particle onto the shuttle and keep it in transport
suspension, just like
>Greymoran said.
MIKE: *Hudzen* You are so Greymoran-whipped, man.
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>By Hudzen on Sunday, January 14, 2001 - 12:33 pm:
MIKE: The day the music died.
>We have a small problem. Since the Star Wars Universe has no Omega
Particle, the hyperdrive will
>have no defense against the particle.
CROW: Ugh, I'm getting Crossover-pox here.
>It may affect it more than Greymoran realized. However, we must find out
first. I am beaming a
>particle aboard.
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
By Jackson Tacoman on Sunday, January 14, 2001 - 04:04 pm:
MIKE: *sarcastically* He's probably got a nemesis named Burrito Man, or
something.
BOTS: *snicker*
>Hudzen, do a simulation to see if the Omega Particle might affect a
hyperdrive engine..
>Also, I have an idea on how to slow down Grey a bit more... We get a second
particle,
TOM: Uh huh.
>let the shuttle be captured by Grey's ship,
TOM: Go on.
>and while the shuttle is being towed by tractor beam, program the computer
to do a engine core
>breach
TOM: Okay.
>at the same time the transporter is releasing the second Particle
TOM: Yup.
>... or would that be too much?
TOM: Yeah, crappy idea.
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>By Hudzen on Monday, January 15, 2001 - 01:26 am:
MIKE: Last name, River.
TOM: D'oh!
>There is a 47%
CROW: Hey, the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything!
TOM: Fanbot. And it's really 42.
CROW: Now who's a fanbot?
>chance that the engine will be affected, compared to an almost definite
chance that it would
>affect a warp core. It is our best chance.
CROW: Our last...best chance of gettin' outta here!
[TOM and CROW try to leave, but MIKE grabs them both]
TOM: But it's so boring!
MIKE: Just grin and bear it.
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>By Brian Webber on Monday, January 15, 2001 - 02:50 am:
CROW: Played by Gary Coleman.
>Greymoran: It's getting closer. I can almost smell the stench of evil
coming off it.
MIKE: *Tacoman* Sorry, my deodorant's breaking down.
>Carrie: Physcially impossible considering the laws of physics, but I
understand what you mean.
TOM: Heck, when has THAT stopped a sci-fi writer?
>Keith: Sir, sensors show a large opening appearing in the side of Grey's
ship. I can't identify
>it yet.
CROW: *Keith* A big nozzle-looking thingy is coming out, and the bad guys
are all laughing and
waving at us.
>Rita: Probably just a decoy, trying to keep us away from him.
>
>Greymoran: True, but this is Grey we're talking about here. He probably
thinks we'll ignore it.
>But on the other hand, maybe he wants us to think it's a diversion. He
wants us to ignore it. Or
>maybe he thinks, aw dammit!
TOM: *Greymoran* My puzzler hurts!
>We gotta make a judgemnt call here.
MIKE: *Greymoran* Well, that leaves all of us out.
>Keith? Rita? What do you think?
TOM: *Rita* The slate paneling around the hot tub, definitely.
CROW: *Keith* What have you got against marble, Rita?
TOM: *Rita, miffed* Oh, that is SO typical.
CROW: *Keith, angry* Look, if this is really about last night...
MIKE: Guys...
>Keith: Too bad we don't have either of our shuttles right now. We could-
TOM: Build a swing-set out of french fries!
CROW: Fly a plane through the sun!
MIKE: Pour Seven-Up on the cat!
TOM: Beat Tacoman to a pulp!
CROW: Go back in time and legalize Napster!
MIKE: Get a deep-tissue massage from Melanie!
TOM: Moon the Statue of Liberty!
CROW: Squish jelly through our toes!
MIKE: Schedule a chat with Charlie Manson!
TOM: Solve Myst in 12 minutes!
CROW: Watch a *good* fanfic!!!!
ALL: HAHAHAHAHAHahahahaaaa...
TOM: Well, guess that's over.
>Rita: Wait! I got it! have Ahz do a quick fly-by of the other ship. He
should be able to tell
>if it's a deception.
>
>Keith: it probably isn't.
>
>Rita & Greymoran: What?!?
MIKE: *Keith* IT ISN'T A DECEPTI-
TOM: Okay...
>Keith: I just idnetified the ship.
CROW: Isn't that a Windows NT utility?
>it's a Darksabre. Records say it's like the Death Satr from Star Wars only
five times smaller.
CROW: And with only half the calories!
TOM: A Death Satyr?
>Rita: oooo. I'm breaking off to engage.
MIKE: Just like Meg Ryan.
TOM: Aw.
>Greymoran: No, not yet. have Ahz take a look at it. With any luck he'll be
able to tell.
CROW: *Greymoran* Whether my pants were on backwards BEFORE I took my nap.
>For right now, we might as well play into Grey's hands. Lull him into a
false sense of security.
>
>Keith: but what if..
CROW: *Keith* My mommy doesn't pick me up from school?
>Rita: Please sweetie, don't finish that sentence. You'll make my brain
hurt.
CROW: Hahahahaha...kill her.
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>By Jackson Tacoman on Monday, January 15, 2001 - 08:43 am:
TOM: *Michael Jackson* Billie Jean was not my lover...
>A purple wormhole
MIKE: What, now this is a NetHack rip-off?
>opens in front of the DarkSabre and the shuttle emerges from it. The
shuttle sits there until
>almost the last minute, and then heads for the Archangel as fast at it can
go.
TOM: Unfortunately, it's using a variant of the Gastropod engine.
>Tacoman to Greymoran, mission successful. we got the Omega Particle, which
is now hovering
>around Grey's ship.
TOM: Mommy, this cute particle followed me home, can I keep it?
MIKE: Only if you feed and bathe it every day.
TOM: Yippee!
>It should be exploding very soon. Open the shuttle bay doors, we're almost
home.
CROW: *HAL 9000* I'm afraid I can't do that, Jackson.
>By the way, there's a slight chance that the hyperdrive engines might be
affected by this
>explosion, so hold on.
CROW: *singing* Hold on dirt mama, the highways...
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>By Brian Webber on Monday, January 15, 2001 - 05:48 pm:
MIKE: I can't tell Webber this is a good fanfic or not...
BOTS: Groan!
>Greymoran: Good work, but sadly you dropped the particle by the wrong ship.
MIKE: D'oh!
TOM: You are the weakest link. Goodbye.
>The Darksabre might be a decoy. We're sending Ahz to check it out. But dock
anyway.
CROW: What the heck.
>We don't have time to send you back for another one.
TOM: The guests will be here any second, put on the Kenny Rogers and maybe
they won't miss it.
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>By Jackson Tacoman on Monday, January 15, 2001 - 06:04 pm:
>
>The shuttle docks
MIKE: Hot Docking Action!
>with the Archangel and Tacoman and Huzen go up to the bridge and takes
their places
MIKE: Tom?
TOM: It's alright, Mike. My internal fiction-protection module is blanking
out sentences with
glaring grammar mistakes!
CROW: I want one of those too!
TOM: Sorry, only got one!
CROW: Mike...
MIKE: It's okay Crow, just sit tight.
>Hmmm... sir, the Particle seems to be being swept into the opening that the
Darksabre is coming
>out of.
TOM: *Pac-Man noise*
>It looks like it might explode inside the main ship...
TOM: And now he's stealing from "The Doomsday Machine", great!
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>By Ahz on Monday, January 15, 2001 - 06:05 pm:
>
>With a ripple of space-time,
CROW: And a swirl of luscious marshmallow fudge...
>Ahz's shuttle appeared near the Darksabre. It preformed a close range scan
of the opening, and
>made its way toward the docking bay.
MIKE: Okay, just me, or does this author not know the meaning of continous
tense?
TOM: Yes, he did now, but tomorrow he will forgot all about it.
>I have scanned the opening. It appears to go toward the main reactor.
CROW: Ah, where would science-fiction be without George Lucas?
TOM: I don't know...
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>By Brian Webber on Monday, January 15, 2001 - 08:22 pm:
MIKE: The Human Author!
>Grey: beautiful.
MIKE: My hair, it's beautiful.
CROW: Hey, he's riffing us!
>They're checking the decoy. Excellent. But what was that bright flash
outside the docking bay?
TOM: Just a silly little explosion.
>TorGal: No idea master. Scanners can't seem to pick anything up. Probably a
sensor glare. Not
>the first time it's heppened my lord.
CROW: *TorGal* He's a hep cat with a zoot suit, My Lord.
>Grey: I've told you before TorGal, your sarcasm, while appreciated in priva
te council, demines
>my authority on the bridge.
MIKE: *Grey* And you know how my authority must be mined as much as
possible.
>Save your humour for later.
TOM: *Grey* Until the apothecary gets here.
>*Caligula had personal sex slaves, most Egyptian pharohs had concubines,
Grey has personal
>comedians. Go fig.*
CROW: Uh...heh heh heh heh heh...
MIKE: What, Crow?
CROW: Nothing, Mike. Hee hee hee hee hee!
>TorGal: Sorry sir. *he knows he wasn't being sarcastic, but arguing with
Grey was a good way to
>find yourself in a fate worse than death scenario*
TOM: And beating Grey at Uno Stacko, well, that's just asking for trouble.
>The Darksabre is approaching the planet.
CROW: *smooth* Hey, what's a nice planet like you doing in a sector like
this?
>Grey: Is the enemy fleet reacting?
TOM: No, they're overacting.
>TorGal, frowning, or rather what passes for frowning with his species:
TOM: *Grey* Not all over my new rug!
>Not quite sir. One of the Archangel's shuttles is firing micro-torpedoes at
the Darksabre.
>Damage is minimal though.
MIKE: *TorGal* The bowling alley got blown away.
>Grey: Good. Now, pull us back, just to the edge of what the damage radius
would be if we DID
>blow up the planet with the Darksabre,
CROW: *announcer* The new Cadillac Darksabre.
>and activate the power-up modules. Convince them it's
>going to fire. If it fails, we'll launch the Suncrusher then, and hope that
none of those alien
>ships there get brave and fly in it's path.
>
>TorGal: Already begun my lord.
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>By Jackson Tacoman on Tuesday, January 16, 2001 - 12:24 pm:
MIKE: Action Jackson Tacoman!
>Sir, looking at the shuttle sensors from when Hudzen and I went to find the
Omega Particle, I
>discovered that we seemed to have picked up two particles... there's still
one in the
>transporter system...
TOM: *Jackson* Yeah, I always keep one for emergencies...heh heh heh.
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>By Brian Webber on Tuesday, January 16, 2001 - 10:22 pm:
CROW: *Brian's mom* Get off that computer, you lazy pig, and get a job!
>Greymoran: We should hold on to that in case we need it.
>
>Carrie: Sir, sensors show the particle has activated. The "explosion" won't
really damage
>anything outisde of a tiny radius, but the effects will make warp drive
impossible for a radius
>of 100 light years.
MIKE: 100? Holy smokes! Why'd they use this thing in the first place?
CROW: Detachment, Mike, detachment.
MIKE: Oh, yeah.
>Int: Grey's ship
>
>*rumble*
TOM: Lentils.
>Grey: What the hell was that?
CROW: Oh, just a little sabotage, nothing to worry about.
>TorGal: Not sure master. There was an energy surge in docking bay 13 and
*stops, stares at the
>console with a craned neck* Sir, warp drive is off line.
>
>Grey: What!?!?
TOM: WARP DRIVE IS OFF-
MIKE: Okay, enough.
>TorGal: not just us sir. The warp drive powered ships in the bays are
inactive too. We can't go
>to warp!
>
>Grey: Son of a ooooo!
MIKE: *laughing*
TOM: What, does he have Grizzled Old Prospector Syndrome?
CROW: *Prospector voice* Oooo, I'm gonna hogtie that varmint!
>Dammit. Fire the Suncrusher. Now!
CROW: But sir, he has the latest budget reports.
TOM: The old ones are the best ones.
>TorGal: Sir, at this angle the chances of it hitting the planet are almost
nill. The angle will
>sned it straight the center of the enemy fleet.
MIKE: Sned? Eww.
>Grey: DO IT!!!!
TOM: *TorGal* What a dork.
>Int: Archangel
CROW: Bored
>Carrie: Yes! Warp drive on Grey's behmeoth is dead! Well, ours is too,
BOTS: *snicker*
MIKE: *Carrie* Well, at least it was a moral victory!
>but we won't need it like he will! Yes!
TOM: *Carrie* Now do disable the rest of our systems and our victory will be
complete! Yes!
>Greymoran: Beautiful! We got the-
CROW: *Greymoran* Spice channel for $4.95 a month!
>Carrie & Kieth in unison: Sir!
>
>Greymoran: What?
CROW: *Carrie and Keith in unison* Tell Keith/Me to stop plugging his/my
brain into my/her
positronic matrix!
TOM: Wow, how do you do that?
CROW: Magic.
>Keith: You do it.
MIKE: *Carrie* NO! It's your dog, YOU clean up after it!
>Carrie: You tell him!
TOM: *Keith* Captain, you smell really bad.
>Keith: Your sensors are better than mine!
CROW: *Carrie* Now is not the time to kiss up, Keith!
>Carrie: You're a human!
MIKE: *Keith* Oh yeah, so naturally I can do everything. Grow up!
>Greymoran: Shut up already! Keith, tell me.
TOM: *Carrie* Nah nah nah nah nah nyah!
CROW: *Keith* Shut up! Shut up! *sobbing*
>Keith: Sir, he luanched a weapon directed towards us. A small canister
travelling at sub-light
>speeds. Can't tell hwat it is yet,
MIKE: It's one of those cheap Sam's Club cans of jerky.
>but it will impact with the lead Shi'ar in fifteen seconds if they don't
move.
TOM: Is that bad?
MIKE: Deep impact!
CROW: More like Deep Hurting.
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>By Jackson Tacoman, with a plan on Wednesday, January 17, 2001 - 08:19 am:
TOM: A man, a plan, a Mexican entree: Tacoman.
>Tacoman checks the science sensors
CROW: *Tacoman* Captain, they won't let us say Q*antum or Gr*vitational
unless they're in
non-purient phrases.
TOM: "Sensors", Crow.
>Sir, sensors seem to indicate it is a weapon of some kind...
MIKE: Of course, half the things in this universe are weapons.
>We could try and transport aboard but leave it in transport suspension...
Or we can transport
>it directily in the path of Grey's ship.. use his own weapon against him...
TOM: What a novel idea!
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>By Hudzen on Wednesday, January 17, 2001 - 04:41 pm:
>
>The weapon has some kind of shielding that will make it very difficult to
transport. Impact in
>20 seconds
CROW: Sequel to "Gone in 60 Seconds".
TOM: Yeah, and this time they steal jet fighters.
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>By Brian Webber on Wednesday, January 17, 2001 - 05:23 pm:
>Greymoran: At this angle it won't hit the planet. Just tell the Shi'ar to
get out of the wa-
MIKE:*Greymoran* -ter because they won't stop peeing in my pool!
>Carrie: Too late dudes. The lead Shi'ar destroyed it. Apparently it carried
a warhead that
>would've caused the sun to go nova.
TOM: Then the Enterprise-D crashes, Picard gets his butt kicked, and
everything goes to pieces.
>Greymoran: Suncrusher? How the hell did he get his hands on one of those?
TOM: Ebay.
>*NOTE FROM BRIAN:*
CROW: *Brian* I apologize to the entire planet for inflicting this fic on
mankind's collective
conciousness.
>I failed to mention this earlier, but the reason Grey's ship wnet nuts, is
because he has a
>security where if an explosion or weapons fire and what not
MIKE: And wet suits and Westinghouse and what have you...
>is detected in a viotal area, such as the docking bays, all power is
deverted to two things.
TOM: Grey's hot tub, and his Magic Fingers.
>Defensive wepaons, and shields. His offensive weapons went off line, as did
his manuevering(sp?)
MIKE: So, to make a long story short, he didn't get a date that night.
>thrusters, making it impossible for him to line up a shot with the planet.
CROW: So he loses the match with two balls to go.
TOM: Boy, I'm glad Brian clarified all this for us, I was really confused.
MIKE: Yeah.
>*BACK TO THE STORY*
MIKE: No! NO!
>Ext: Space.
TOM: So how do you dial that, anyway?
>The Darksabre self-destructs, damaging Ahz's shuttle.
CROW: *Minnesota voice* Oh, it's sad when they waste a perfectly good
Darksabre like that.
TOM: *Minnesota voice* Ya, ya.
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>By Brian Webber on Wednesday, January 17, 2001 - 08:47 pm:
>
>Rita: Sir! Grey's ship is opening a portal. It's going at full impulse!
>
>Greymoran: Follow it! We have to know where he's going. Once he's away
he'll proably be able to
>use his warp drive again.
>
>Carrie: Uh, sir, does that mean we don't go pick up Radagast?
MIKE: Isn't that the new Round Table pizza?
>Greymoran: What?
>
>Carrie: Commander Adon has captured Radagast. They've got him in a
suspended animation tube.
TOM: *stoner* They got him in the tubes, man!
CROW: Who-hoo!
>Greymoran: oooo. I'll take the shuttle! Pick up Ahz and follow-
MIKE: *Greymoran* -me to Raul's Beauty Parlor! Shampoo and Perm for $15!
>Rita: Too late
TOM: Y'know, without punctuation, you can cut precious seconds off a story's
reading time.
>*the portal closes*
>
>Greymoran: Dammit!
CROW: Janet!
>Carrie, can you track where he went?
MIKE: O'Shaughnessy's. Happy hour.
>Carrie: Fraid not. He hasn't sent off any dimensional-satellite alarms.
Either he's figured out
>where they all were and destroyed them, or he's discovered a method to
block them.
>
>Keith: or he's come across a universe that hasn't been monitored yet.
MIKE: Which means, any piece of Sci-Fi Webber hasn't gotten his hands on
yet.
>Greymoran: Alright. Grey tends to wait between attacks, the longest being
two months, the
>shortest being five days. More than enough time to pick up Radagast. Let's
go rescue Ahz then
>head out. We'll use the Spidership's location beacon.
>
>*dramatic pause*
TOM: Oh, my constipation.
>Jackson: bad news sir. We've lost the Spidership's beacon.
MIKE: Well, you had it last!
>Greymoran: What? When?
>
>Jackson: An hour ago I'd say. Somewhere over Earth. Or rather, my, their,
Earth. *throws hands
>up in confusion*
TOM: Jackson forgets about the ceiling fan directly above him, and screams
in agony.
>Greymoran, looking paniced: Oh dear. Rita, plot a course for my son's
universe. We have to find
>out what happened. By Helm I hope Radagast didn't escape.
CROW: All hail the mighty god Helm!
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>By A Package on Wednesday, January 17, 2001 - 11:58 pm:
CROW: I gotta package right here, if ya know what I'm saying...
MIKE: CROW!
CROW: What? I'm eating a box of Goobers.
MIKE: Oh.
CROW: *quietly* Hee hee!
>A hole in space-time opens, and a stasis tube containing Radagast falls
out. The portal then
>closes. Stuck to the side of the portal is a note.
TOM: Pick up laundry detergent, onions, and chocolate Popsicles.
>From Adon, with love.
CROW: Opens July 13th in theaters everywhere.
>Do not open until the 12th of never.
TOM: *Grandma voice* Now you kids don't open these until Christmas, I mean
it!
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>By Brian Webber on Thursday, January 18, 2001 - 01:05 am:
MIKE: *Brian* I'd just like to say to all those people who try to find sense
in my fics: Eat me!
>Greymoran freexes at the surprise appearence of the tube.
CROW: Free .exe's? Where!
>"Um, cancel the portal Rita.
CROW: *Rita* Um, the order's already gone through to the kitchen, sir.
>Hudzen, place that in storage for the time being.
CROW: *Hudzen* You know where to store it.
MIKE: Heyyy....
>Jackson, raise Commander Adon, and thank him for his help."
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>By If you dont know who...I wont tell ya! on Thursday, January 18, 2001 -
02:36 am:
TOM: Do we care?
>(Note to Brian Webber: was that your real e-mail address you posted at
LICC? I want to put an
>end to this if it was....bury the hatchet, so to speak....and I don't mean
in your head....)
TOM: No, please! Go with your first idea!
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>By Brian Webber, aspiring reporter on Thursday, January 18, 2001 - 02:59
am:
MIKE: This of course explains why he spends 18 hours a day writing bad
sci-fi...
>if: Yes, that was my real addy. Feel free, although it might be awhile
before I reply. I might
>(key word: MIGHT) get to interview MEREDITH VIEIRA! Aw man that would be
sweet!
CROW: Poor little Brian. I'm beginning to feel more pity for him than for
Tacoman.
TOM: Wow.
MIKE: *Brian* And maybe she'll LIKE ME, and I'll show her all my fics, and
we'll get married!
BOTS: *chuckle*
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>By Jackson Tacoman on Thursday, January 18, 2001 - 08:27 am:
>
>Right, sir.
>Tacoman attempts to get Adon on the dimensional communicator and gets him.
MIKE: Gets him good.
>Tacoman thanks Adon for his help, and Adon relates the latest adventures of
the League.
>Sir, I know why we lost contact with the Spidership's beacon... it seems
that they were trying
>to get through O'kak lines, were successful in doing so, but in the
process, crashed in New York
>City...
TOM: I knew the new area code would just cause trouble!
>the Spidership II is now just another new junkyard in New York City...
>Tacoman stands up and salutes, paying tribute to the great Spidership
CROW: Maybe if we actually saw the Spidership we'd understand why it's so
great.
MIKE: You're asking for another fic, Crow?
CROW: No! No! NO!
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>By Brian Webber on Thursday, January 18, 2001 - 11:53 pm:
>
>Greymoran, frowning: She was a decent ship. My son knew how to pick 'em.
TOM: And how to fold 'em!
>Maybe if we have time we can snag another one for them. But right now, we
need o figure out
>where Grey went. Ahz, go grab the debris for the Darksabre. Maybe we can
figure which of the
>known Star Wars universes it came from, if it came from a known one, and we
can head there,
>learn some details.
MIKE: And exactly how does he know to call those particular dimensions "Star
Wars"?
TOM: And how many are there supposed to be?
CROW: And why do we have to watch this?
>*meanwhile, out in the nether between realities...*
CROW: Float the brains of the Sci-Fi channel's top executives...
>Jake Grey watches the purple swirls surrounding and distoritng his ship.
TOM: *stoner* Whoa, purple haze, man.
>"I like being here TorGal. It's so dark."
MIKE: *Grey* Here I'm safe from the Booga people.
>TorGal: Yes it sir. Sir, what is our next plan?
>
>Grey: I have learned from the files I stole from station 47 that there is a
top secret project
>in STU-98.
TOM: I guess the first 97 Stuarts weren't good enough...get it? Heheheh...
CROW: No.
>Apparently in that one, a certain legendary captain was born in Germany
instead of Iowa. Minor
>difference.
MIKE: No, I'm from Berlin, but I work in outer space.
>He turned out the same way, but apparently it's off the XDCA monitors. They
were experimenting
>with a new portal generator that would transport ships wihout opening a
portal. Most of the
>details were lost during the data dump, but the gist of it is very
interesting.
TOM: Quite an interesting gist. This gist is facinating, let me tell you.
>Because without a portal, there would be no way for our enemies to follow
us. I want to steal
>this technology. TorGal, takes us there as soon aswe've removed the Omega
residue and can use
>our warp drive again. How much longer do you think it will be?
>
>TorGal: Three days my lord.
TOM: *TorGal* And kum-bye-ya....my lord.
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>By Dramatic Interlude on Friday, January 19, 2001 - 08:01 pm:
CROW: Just be glad it isn't a romantic interlude...
MIKE: *shudder*
>Aboard the Archangel things are tense. Greymoran wants to go help his son
and the crew of the
>Spidership II but is reluctant, because he also desperately wants to kill
Jake Grey.
MIKE: *Greymoran* Yeah, blow off my son and his friends so I can get
satisfying bloody revenge.
>According to Carrie, who has known Greymoran for almost two-thirds of a
century, Greymoran has
>never been this angry nor this determined before. and never before has he
sought such violent
>retribution.
TOM: Usually he settles for giving Atomic Wedgies and jock blocks.
>Below decks, in their quarters, Rita and Keith Yeager lay in bed,
TOM: Shouldn't they be in separate twin beds?
>unable to sleep, or make love.
MIKE: Heyyy...PG fic!
TOM: Well, they aren't actually DOING anything.
MIKE: Oh, yeah.
>Keith rolls over to look his wife in the eyes. "I'm scared love."
TOM: *singing* Sometimes I feel I want to *THUMP**THUMP* run away...
MIKE: That's "Tainted Love".
>he says. Rita squeezes his hand and kisses him on the forehead. "I am too."
CROW: *Rita* Don't be scared, it happens to lots of guys...
>The ship's computer, incurable wise-ass Carrie, delves into her memory core
searches for books
>she hasn't read yet.
TOM: So she finds something by Ratliff, and burns out all her circuits.
>Finally she stumbles on The Dreams Our Stuff Is Made Of: How Science
Fiction Conquered the World
>by Thomas M. Disch
TOM: Gasp! Product placement!
CROW: I bet he's quite a disch.
>She pulls it up, then decides that maybe Jackson would find it interesting,
but decides against
>asking him.
CROW: Asking him what, exactly?
>She just knows that any second now Greymoran will decide which path the
Archangel will take.
>
>Hudzen meanwhile practices his security drills, until he remembers that the
ship has no real
>secuirty force to speak of.
MIKE: So why does he have drills?
TOM: Mike, remember, don't think.
MIKE: Oh, right.
>If the ship were ever boarded, it'd be up to him to protect the crew. That
pressure is hard,
>even on a 7' 3" 'muscular' robot.
MIKE: It's really all those RAM chips he ate.
>Jackson meanwhile is still coming to grips with the loss of the Spidership
II in his home
>universe. Deep down he wants to go help them, but he can't. I am part of
THIS crew, not that
>one, he reminds himself.
CROW: So he can twiddle his thumbs on this ship instead.
MIKE: Hey...
TOM: Fanbot.
>Greymoran enters the bridge. Jackson is at Rita's console, doing a
diagnostic check.
CROW: *Tacoman* I know her diary is around here somewherrreeeee.....
>Carrie's face appears on the viescreen. Greymoran looks at her, and
Jackson. "Ahz just sent a
>message.
CROW: *Carrie's voice* He said, "Bite me, it's fun."
TOM: *Carrie's voice* He said, "I found the heart, but Hudzen stepped on the
brain."
>He's identified which Star Wars universe that ship came from. It's from
SWU-3, the one I'd
>mentioned earlier, where Luke Skywalker had been born female instead of
male, remember?
TOM: Not a long way off if you ask me...
MIKE: *chuckles*
>Anyway, we're heading there as soon as Ahz is back aboard." He sits in the
cpatain's chair,
>looking somewaht depressed.
CROW: *Greymoran* I don't even get benefits with this job.
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>By Jackson Tacoman on Friday, January 19, 2001 - 10:38 pm:
>
>Suddenly, a single light begins to blink on Tacoman's console.
TOM: *Tacoman* "Maintenence Required?" Ahh, forget it.
>He goes over to investigate, only to discover...
CROW: He left his beer across the room, so he trips over the training droid
running back to it.
>Sir, the Spidership's beacon is back... Somehow they were able to acquire a
third Spidership...
>Hmm.. there was also some Q activity in the same area...
MIKE: NO!!
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>By Brian Webber on Friday, January 19, 2001 - 11:42 pm:
>
>Greymoran: That's not important Jackson. My son can deal with whatever the
problem is. Unless
>Grey attacks the LICC directly we can't get involved. Rita and Keith are on
downtime,
CROW: Even though they're not doing ANYTHING...
>so I'd like you to pilot us through another portal into SWU-3. We need to
find out exactly how
>Grey got his hands on the Darksabre.
MIKE: Get your copy at B. Dalton's.
>With any luck we'll find out where he's going next, and maybe even where
he's hiding.
>TOM: Behind the grassy knoll is my guess.
>Carrie: Portal open sir.
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
CROW: And page closed!
MIKE: All done, guys.
TOM: Woo-hoo!
VOICE: NOW PREPARE YOURSELVES FOR THE NEXT 25 PARTS OF THE MASTERFUL WORK
THAT IS "ARCHANGEL".
IF YOU RESIST, WE WILL WIPE OUT YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, RUIN YOUR CREDIT AND
CANCEL YOUR LIBRARY
CARD. ALL HAIL BRIAN WEBBER, YOUR NEW LORD AND MASTER!
ALL: NOOOOOOO!
CROW: Tom, quick, your Time Thingy Gun!
TOM: Right here!
[TOM ducks down for a minute, and pulls out the gun. He fires at the
computer, which shimmers
and disappears!]
TOM: Whew, that was close!
CROW: Good job, Servo.
MIKE: My computer...
[The view shifts back to a forward shot of MIKE and the BOTS. MIKE looks
stunned.]
TOM: So what do you think will happen as a result of Mike's computer flung
across time and
space?
CROW: Who cares? At least it's gone. Maybe some Neanderthal will be
entertained by it.
MIKE: My computer...my beautiful computer...
CROW: Oh come on, Mike, it wasn't that good. I mean, they're making 1 gig
processors these days.
MIKE: My brand....new....$2500 computer...
[The crushed remains of the PC crackle and pop.]
TOM: Uh oh...
CROW: Is this a good time to suggest that you should comparison-shop more?
[MIKE turns and looks at the BOTS, his face quickly turning furious.]
CROW: I guess not. Um...exit, stage left, Tommy?
TOM: Scram!
[CROW and TOM run screaming off to opposite sides of the screen. MIKE chases
after TOM. The
screen fades out.]
FWOOSH!
MIKE: MY NEW COMPUUUUTERRRRR!
[Ending theme song]
"Omega Search: The Hunt for Jake Grey, Part II" by Brian Webber, Jon Wade,
Jason Liedgk, and Josh Mastin.
MiSTing copyright 2001 by Jake Dominguez
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and
situations are trademarks of and copyright of Best Brains, Inc.
All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non-commercial
parody, review, and commentary purposes only; no infringement
on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains,
Inc., 20th Century Fox Corporation, or anyone else, is intended
or should be inferred.
No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or
should be implied. All
characters in this work are fictional , and any resemblance to actual
people,
living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Thanks go to Padawan, and of course the incredibly terrific Brian Webber,
for
previewing the MiSTing. Shouts out to Kira, Jon, KAM, BF Josh, Jason, Obsy,
ScottN, Paddy, Jenny,
BF, BW, MattP, Pesti, and anyone who's ever posted on Phantom Returns or
LICC. (or LICC2) Keep up the good work, guys! And of course, thanks to the
authors of "Jake Grey", for permission to ridicule and heckle their hard
work. Thanks!
Keep circulating the posts.
05-23-2001
TWANG!
>*Grey laughs again, laughs until he starts coughing*
>Oh man. Oh, I really need to learn to control myself. I'm gonna luagh
myself to death at this
>rate!