[MiSTing] A Brother, Captain, and King 11/11 [NC-17]
Kaitou Juliet
>
> Now it was my turn to stare in wonder, for I had never anticipated
Tom: [Aragorn] --To be unexpectedly tricked into marrying Boromir. I
always expected at least a ring or something first.
> such a loving and great pledge from him, and though he hadn't really
> promised more than love and protection as I had myself,
Joel: Better learn how to make small promises sound impressive if
you're going to have a career in politics, Aragorn.
> the ancient
> form he had chosen for his oath impressively showed his seriousness.
Tom: Or his utter lack of originality.
>
> I felt honored and gifted to be deemed worthy for so binding an oath
> from a man who had, only mere days ago, been giving the impression
> to me that he'd rather see me dead.
Crow: Days? Try hours!
>
> "I thank you, Lover, and in all honor and with great joy I accept
Joel: [Aragorn] --this Academy Award. I'd like to thank my mother, and
Elrond, and especially my wonderful fiancee Arwen....
> your oath", I replied, as ancient in form as his pledge had been.
>
> We kissed, sealing our oaths with our lips, both filled with loving
> admiration.
Tom: Both lips?
> Huddling together, we snuggled underneath our makeshift
> blanket, this time Boromir holding me in his arms tightly.
Crow: And then the world ended.
>
> "We ought to get some sleep before the others wake up.", I said,
> feeling sleep crouching up to me like a sneaking spider.
Joel: Crouching Spider, Hidden Tarantula.
Tom: [singing] The sneaking, creaking spider climbed up the waterspout/
bit Boromir on the neck and knocked the bastard out...
>
> "If we're lucky, we might walk up on them before the have noticed
> that we have been away all night.
Crow: Going by most Lord of the Rings fanfiction, they'll have been too
busy to notice.
> Maybe we just tell them that we
> have risen early,
Crow: I'd say.
> and haven been out in the forest practising."
>
> "Practising what?"
>
> "Swords."
Tom: Yeah, that's a perfectly innocent, non-metaphorical excuse.
Crow: [Aragorn] So wait a minute, when you said you were going to give
the hobbits some "sword training," you meant....
>
> "Oh."
>
> "Might work", I added after a moment of sleepy silence. "But only as
> long as nobody sees the marks I left on your chest."
Joel: Yeah, the one that says "Aragorn wuz here" might clue them in.
>
> Softly chuckling, we both closed our eyes, waiting for the long-
> denied sleep to come.
Tom: Sleeeeeep!
>
> But once more Boromir broke the silence, saying:
Crow: [Boromir] It's too damn quiet out here. I think I'll go back to
talking incessantly.
Joel: [Boromir] So, how 'bout them Yankees?
>
> "You know, I might become happy with you after all."
Crow: [Aragorn] Well, all right, but only if I can be Sleepy.
>
> "Mh?" was the only thing I could answer, sleepy as I was.
Tom: [Aragorn] Though I was thinking, "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"
>
> "As a Lover, you have made me happy already, even if in future we
> might only love each other as brothers might.
Crow: [Faramir] Leave me out of this!
> And as the captain of
> our fellowship, you perform reasonably well,
Joel: [Boromir] I give you a 7!
> so after all, you might
> become a king not so bad at all."
Tom: [Boromir] Me speak good, huh?
>
> I shook my head, amused by his conceptions.
Tom: Immaculate?
Crow: Not hardly.
>
> "Who's doing the sweet talk now?", I asked without bothering to open
> my eyes.
Joel: [Aragorn] Because it couldn't possibly be you.
>
> "I do love you too. But now get some sleep."
>
> He kissed my neck one last time, and
Tom: [Aragorn] Sucked deeply, draining me of the last of my blood,
sending me into eternal slumbering darkness...
Crow: [Aragorn] I *knew* I should have bitten him first when I had
the chance.
> we both drifted away into a
> deep and dreamless sleep.
Joel: And above, the silent stars go by.
>
> **********
Joel: There they go now.
>
> And then he died, in my own arms, on the slopes of Amon Hen.
Crow: [Aragorn] And I was free! Free! FREE!
>
> Riddled with orc-arrows he lay there,
Tom: Riddle me this--when is an orc not an orc?
> bleeding, shivering, coughing
> up blood, and both of us knew that
Crow: [Aragorn] He'd gotten exactly what he deserved.
> all help for him would be too
> late.
Tom: We've known that all along.
Joel: Because the opening paragraph said Boromir was going to die?
Tom: Well, that too.
>
> There had been no real chance to talk again since that one single
> night we had passed together in that little grove in Lorien.
Joel: [Aragorn] Come to think about it, I hadn't had a real chance
to talk since Boromir joined the Fellowship.
> There
> had been so much to plan,
Tom: Like how, exactly, to break this all to Arwen.
Crow: Not to mention Elrond.
> so many things to prepare for our way
> further down to Mordor.
Joel: Like how to convince Boromir they were actually going to Mordor
and not Minas Tirith.
> And since we had at least 'settled the
> issue', as Galadriel had put it, we came along splendidly.
Crow: Understatement of the Age.
Joel: No, Crow. Just...no.
>
> I had kindled the hope that once we had left Lothlorien, we two
> might be able to sneak away at night
Tom: And get married in Vegas?
> like the lovers we were,
> sharing some moments of mutual passion,
Joel: [Aragorn] And remember, Arwen, this doesn't change my feelings
for you one little bit!
> but there had been too many
> signs of orcs in the region already.
Tom: "Caution, Orc Crossing."
Crow: "Minas Morgul, 500 km."
Joel: "Eat at Shagrat's Pizza Palace."
> Guard duty had put an end to
> our romantic hopes.
Crow: You'd think standing at attention would raise their romantic
hopes...among other things.
>
> Yet there had been sweet looks every now and then, little gestures
> that had shown each other that our feelings were still fresh,
Joel: They keep leaving Hallmark cards on each others' pillows.
> some
> remarks that only the two of us knew to be not so innocent as they
> might have seemed to the uninvolved.
Tom: [Aragorn] So, wanna go do some "sword practice"?
>
> It had been a pleasant time, but duty had put a clear end to
> romance.
Joel: Make War, Not Love.
>
> I will not speak here about Boromirs ill-fated affinity for the lure
> of Saurons Ring,
Crow: [Aragorn] Mostly 'cause I'm jealous.
> for enough on this has been said in so many other
> books,
Tom: Aragorn's gift of foresight is remarkable, isn't it?
> and it had tortured me beyond words to see a loved one being
> infected with an illness all my skill as a healer could neither
> banish nor slow.
Crow: Stupidity, you mean?
>
> But my heart had been heavy with sorrow already for days, and when I
> saw him lying there, dying, I felt a
Tom: [Aragorn] Strange joy unlike any other I'd ever experienced...
> part of me dying with him.
> Kneeling next to him, I cradled his head in my arms,
Joel: [Aragorn] Cootchie-coo, widdle baby Boromir!
> trying to
> console him, trying to give him confidence in a future he would
> never live to see.
Crow: Trying to smother the last of his life out of him and end my
eternal torment.
Joel: [Aragorn] Trust me, Boromir, we're all going to have *great*
times without you!
> There were so many things I longed to say,
Tom: [Aragorn] But I'd been waiting so damnably long, I'd forgotten
most of them.
> so
> much to express in so terribly few moments left, that it was once
> more Boromir who spoke before me.
Tom: There's a shock.
>
> "My brother", he whispered.
Joel: [Aragorn] I keep telling you, *Faramir's not here!*
> "My captain"
Tom: [Aragorn] Major, actually. I just got promoted.
>
> And then, with his last breath: "My king."
Crow: Elvis!!
>
> His eyes broke,
Joel: I didn't know Boromir had glass eyes.
> and he left me without ever having had a chance to
> tell him one last time how much he meant to me, how much I loved
> him.
Tom: Right to the very end, Boromir won't let anyone else get a word in
edgewise.
> Kissing his forehead, I send a silent message after him,
Joel: "Thanks for the sandwich!"
> conveying all my love, all my care, all my sorrow.
Tom: Hallmark e-cards from beyond the grave...
>
> Since then, much has been said and written about the role of Boromir
> the Fair, Boromir the Tempted, as called by some,
Crow: "Boromir the Dimwit," by others.
Tom: "Bore" to his friends.
Joel: "Borrykins" to his *special* friends.
> in the history of
> the war of the Ring and the Fall of Sauron. I have always abstained
> from such speculation,
Crow: Too bad that habit couldn't carry over into your sex life.
> for my judgement will never be impartial when
> it comes to this brickheaded Gondorian prince.
Tom: No, apparently he will forever be insulted in your eyes.
>
> He might have been close as a brother to me,
Joel: [Aragorn] I'm an only child, so I'm not really sure.
> I was his captain once
> and would have gladly become his king by now.
Tom: [Aragorn] If only anyone would recognize me as such!
>
> But for one night, we had joined as Lovers,
Crow: [Aragorn] We withdrew our membership when we found out how high
the annual dues were.
> and as such, I will
> always remember him.
Joel: [Aragorn] Especially on those cold nights when I awaken in a
sweat, screaming in terror.
>
> And as such, I will always love him.
>
>
[They stand up and leave. Door sequence.]
[SoL Bridge. There is a large and handsome puppet theater set up on the
countertop. Joel, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy are standing beside it.]
Joel: Good evening, and welcome to SoL Puppet Theater. Tonight, we
present our rendition of "An Evening in Lothlorien," inspired by
this evening's fanfic. [whispers, to others] Places!
[Tom and Crow move behind the theater.]
Joel: You with us Gypsy?
Gypsy: [still a little sulky] Yeah, okay.
[She moves behind the puppet theater.]
Joel: Magic Voice, are you ready with the music?
Magic Voice: Yes. But I'd like to apologize in advance to Claude-
Michel Schoenberg.
[Joel joins the bots behind the puppet theater.]
Joel: Lights, please!
[The lights dim. Cambot moves in to frame the puppet stage. Over the
speakers, the first strains of "One Day More" from _Les Miserables_ can
be heard.]
[Two finger puppets, representing Aragorn and Boromir, pop up. You can
tell who all the puppets are because they are made from photos of the
movie cast cut out of a magazine and pasted onto cardboard backing.
Throughout this piece, the voices are provided by Joel, Crow, Gypsy,
Magic Voice, and Tom--making use of the Tom Servo Choir for the big
ensemble parts.]
Aragorn: One word more
Another windy speech from Boromir
It makes me wonder what I'm doing here
His need to talk is very dire
I really wish he would expire
One word more....
Boromir: I'm really glad to know you're gay
I'm really sorry that I raped you
Aragorn: One word more.
Boromir: It's just your snobby Elvish ways
They really made me want to hate you
Arwen: One more day as number two....
(Aragorn & Boromir: I forgive you all your faults!)
Arwen: Does the charm you wear mean nothing?
(Aragorn & Boromir: I was born to be with you!)
Arwen: While I've been waiting here for you
(Aragorn & Boromir: And I swear I will be true!)
Arwen: You've been sleeping with a man!
[swelling chords]
Galadriel: Oh, that stupid Aragorn!
(Boromir: And the moonlight on your skin)
Galadriel: I really should have seen this coming
(Boromir: And the starlight in your your eyes)
Galadriel: I wish he never had been born!
(Boromir: Make me want to claim that prize!)
Galadriel: Elrond's gonna have a cooooooow!
Rest of Fellowship: He'll hunt...you down...and run...you through!
Aragorn: One word more!
Legolas: One more evening in Lothlorien
One more evening with no fun
I'm the handsomest by far here
How come I'm not getting some?
Hobbits & Gimli: Fighting in the woods
Rolling in the hay
Looks to be about the same thing either way
First a little tiff
Then a little touch
They might think we're stupid but we don't miss much!
All Fellowship: Our Fellowship will soon be moving
(And the ring will be destroyed)
The Lords of Gondor will return!
(Alas, they really will return!)
Our masculinity we're proving
(We'll be doing everyone)
As you can see, we'll never learn
Boromir: Tonight...my dear...I lie...with you!
Aragorn: One word more!
Boromir: I'm really glad to know you're gay
I'm really sorry that I raped you
Legolas: I will primp and preen for hours
I will look so very good
Even Aragorn will want me
To have fun out in the woods!
Arwen: One more day as number two!
Boromir: It's just your snobby Elvish ways
They really made me want to hate you
Legolas: One more evening in Lothlorien
One more evening with no fun
I'm the handsomest by far here!
Hobbits & Gimli: Fighting in the woods
Rolling in the hay
Looks to be about the same thing either way
Aragorn: Now Boromir will talk all night
I haven't got the will to fight
All: Tomorrow he'll continue
Till we all have got the urge to snore
One more speech
One more word
One...word...more!
[The chords thunder to a close. Magic Voice provides tumultuous
applause as the finger puppets take a bow.]
[Cambot pulls back to show the cast celebrating at a "cast party." Most
are holding drinks, and there is a tray of cheese cubes set up on the
countertop next to the puppet theater. Joel has a acquired a smoking
jacket from somewhere.]
Joel: Crow, you were divine tonight....
Crow: Why, thank you, Joel. You were smashing yourself. [turns to
Gypsy] And Gypsy, you have a lovely singing voice!
Joel: Yeah, you were great, Gyps!
Gypsy: Hmmph! [Turns her back on them]
Tom: [rushing up] I've just seen the early reviews! The critics
*loved* it!
[Mads' light begins flashing]
Joel: Ah, that must be another message of congratulations now. [Hits
light]
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Not hardly, you pathetic excuses for thespians!
[SoL]
Crow: We are not thespians! We're just very good friends.
[Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is standing before the camera. Frank is not
visible.]
Dr. F: Yes, that's what they all say. Anyway, listen, I've got a
business proposition for you. It seems we each have a problem
the other can solve.
Frank: [offscreen] Man, Steve, you wouldn't believe how hot the
_Audobon Guide to North American Birds_ is when you feed it
through the Slashifier....
Dr. F: Ever since I installed the slashifier, I haven't been able to
drag Frank away from the computer. And I gather you've had a
little trouble since installing the de-slashifier, right?
[SoL]
Joel: [pensive] Hmmm...you know, that's interesting. Ever since I
de-slashified Gypsy's writing, she's been a little upset with me.
Gypsy: [over Joel's shoulder] YOU BET I HAVE!
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: So, I propose...a swap. My Slashifier for your De-slashifier.
[SoL]
Joel: Well, let me think about this....
Gypsy: Do it, Joel!
Joel: I'll do it if you let us have our cable reception back.
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Yes, yes, all right! [presses a blue button on his instrument
panel.] There, your cable's back. Just send me the De-
slashifier by email, and I'll upload the Slashifier as soon as
I get Frank away from the computer.
[Dr. F rolls up his sleeves, picks up a handy clown hammer, and stalks
offscreen.]
[SoL. Crow, Tom, and Gypsy are clustered happily around Joel.]
All: Yay! You did it!
Tom and Crow: Our hero!!
Joel: Yep. Gypsy gets her stories back, and we get our movies.
Crow: That's great! I can't wait to see what Samurai Aragoln is up to
in the next installment!
Tom: Yeah! Joel, can you build me a Japanese-translation filter before
that comes out?
Gypsy: Aw, thanks, Joel. I guess you're okay after all.
Joel: C'mon guys--let's all go see what's on TV in Japan!
[All, including Gypsy, exit into the theater.]
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Thanks to our special guest, The Placid Jack Acid, for providing
additional riffs!
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" and its related characters and
situations are trademarks of and copyrighted [c] 2003 by Best Brains,
Inc. All rights reserved. "A Brother, Captain, and King" belongs to
Osiris Brackhaus, who was a really good sport about letting us MiST it.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non-commercial
parody, review, and commentary purposes only; no infringement on the
original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc., or
Phantom 1 is intended or should be inferred.
No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are
implied or should be inferred.
Stinger:
> "I have a dream", he said, smiling at me sadly. "One day, we both will
> ride into the White City, and all the folk will be there, hailing us,
> shouting 'Alas, the Lords of Gondor have returned!'"