[MiSTing] Trouble of Dwarves (2/9)
pieceoftheuniverse
TOM: [coming from stage right] I don't get it, Joel. When you made us,
you had "the Talk" with us. You explained how Dr. Forrester shot
you into space, and how you cannibalized parts of the ship to
create us so we could keep you sane.
JOEL: Thank you, Mr. Exposition.
TOM: So then what's wrong with Crow?
JOEL: I'll be able to tell you that when we find him. Crow!
TOM: Crow!
[Both start going around the bridge of the SOL, on and off screen,
calling for Crow. Finally, they meet back in front of Cambot]
JOEL: This isn't getting us anywhere.
TOM: Right. What we need to do is to put ourselves in his mindset.
JOEL: So if I was a vaguely-humanoid robot with an acute sense of
agoraphobia, where would I go?
TOM: Crow is afraid of sweaters?
JOEL: Not angora-phobia; agoraphobia!
TOM: I suppose that would explain his screams of terror when Ed Wood is
mentioned ...
JOEL: Crow is not afraid of sweaters. Now where could he be?
TOM: Well not in the closet, then.
JOEL: The closet! Of course!
[Joel goes offstage and comes back with a steel wardrobe on wheels. Once
he moves it into place, he springs open the door to reveal a pile of
sweaters that appear to be trembling]
TOM: See, I told you he wasn't afraid of sweaters!
JOEL: Crow? Crow, could you come out, please?
CROW: [muffled] No! It's cold outside!
JOEL: But we're inside, Crow. It's nice and warm on the Satellite of
Love.
CROW: There's no kind of atmosphere!
TOM: And you're all alone?
CROW: More or less.
ALL: [singing] Let me fly
Far away from here
Fun, fun, fun
In the sun, sun, sun
Fun, fun, fun
In the sun, sun, sun ...
[Crow comes out, and all link arms for the final segment]
ALL: o/~ bum bum bum ba-bum, bum bum bum ba-bum, bum ba-bum ba ba bum,
BUM! o/~
[beat]
JOEL: That was terrible. Stealing from another show...
CROW: But I feel much better.
JOEL: You do?
CROW: Sure. I came to the realization that I'm a robot, so even if there
was a hole in the ship and all the air went out, I'd still be
okay.
TOM: Hey, that's right!
JOEL: Erm...
CROW: You'd be pretty dead, though, Joel.
TOM: Maybe he could come back as a hologram.
[Lights, flashing, siren, panic]
JOEL: Speaking of dwarves: we've got FANFIC SIGN!!
[ ... 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... ]
[As they're filing in the theatre...]
TOM: You know, none of that really explained why you forgot we were in
space.
CROW: Oh, I had some Cheez Whiz this morning.
JOEL: You know better than that. That stuff is evil.
CROW: I've learned my lesson.
>"We are in range of their weapons, Commander," Kim called nervously.
TOM: I thought they had a full hour!
>"They are firing."
JOEL: If this were on television, the bridge would be full of exploding
consoles, making his statement unnecessary.
CROW: So you're saying it's necessary now?
JOEL: Of course not.
>"Winston?" Chakotay called.
TOM: [Chakotay] Where are my slippers?
>He had been waiting for this.
CROW: Also in the Starfleet Guidebook: "Wait until the last possible
second to do anything. Remember, we have an hour time slot to
fill."
>There had been no response from Engineering since he had pressed his
>need for warp power upon B'Elanna 15 minutes ago.
JOEL: Cut her some slack. She was busy with her time of fame.
>He was also gambling upon the Kommodan vessels not wanting to cause
>excessive damage to Voyager,
TOM: I dunno. Anyone who's named after toilets probably doesn't have
very appealing plans for a captured starship.
CROW: The term "shithouse" comes to mind.
>relying upon the saboteurs to disable the ship.
JOEL: So Chakotay's relying on the saboteurs now?
TOM: I knew it! No one's -that- ineffective and still gets to be
second-in-command!
CROW: Nah. He's not smart enough to be in league with the enemy, even if
they are just water closets.
>Their long range bombardment was simply to keep them busy.
JOEL: Busy doing what?
TOM: To find out, send $19.95 (plus shipping and handling).
JOEL: Must be eighteen or older.
>He wanted them a lot closer before he revealed his own hand,
CROW: [Chakotay] Ha! A full house!
TOM: But doesn't a flush beat a full house?
>to this end he had instructed Kim to take phasors offline to suggest they
>had been disarmed from the inside.
JOEL: [Kommodan] Sir, they've shut off their weapons.
TOM: [Other Kommodan] Did we hit them?
JOEL: No.
TOM: Graze them?
JOEL: No.
TOM: Insult them?
JOEL: No.
TOM: They must be dead then. Full speed ahead!
JOEL: Should we lower shields?
TOM: Sure!
>"Working on it, Sir!" Winston's voice was a model of calmness.
CROW: How do you model calmness?
TOM: You mean, what shape does it come in?
CROW: Yeah.
JOEL: I think Michelangelo would say "elephant."
>He had picked up the weapons discharge on his sensors moments after Kim
TOM: This -is- the bridge, right? Where all the action takes place on a
gigantic screen not two feet away from where he's sitting? And he
still needs sensors?
>and was already rolling Voyager
CROW: ... into a joint.
JOEL: Ah, so that's how he stays so calm.
>and hauling the ship around in a new direction.
TOM: What, by himself?
CROW: You'd think they would have controls for that sort of thing.
>"They are firing again. Multiple discharges," Kim almost shouted this
>time, an almost complete opposite to the pilots.
TOM: Oh, good, so there are at least two pilots.
JOEL: Still, that's a lot of work for just two guys.
>"Can't miss them all, Sir!"
JOEL: See?
CROW: This is what happens when the military has to make budgetary
cutbacks.
JOEL: Headcount is always the first to go.
>Winston intoned, his hands still working the ships controls.
TOM: [Winston] Let's see, they ordered the extra value meal, no mustard,
Diet Coke ...
>"They are well in range, Commander?" Kim suggested his nerves making his
>voice quiver.
JOEL: Don't ask us!
>"When you can't miss with manual targeting, we will fire. Not before,"
CROW: Wouldn't they have to turn the phasers back on first?
TOM: Only if they wanted to retain a shred of continuity.
CROW: I'll take that as a "no," then.
>Chakotay hissed as the ship rocked to the one salvo Winston had not been
>able to avoid.
JOEL: If an officer hisses in a loud battle, and no one hears it, is it
still an order?
>"Shields down 5%," called ensign Abott from ops,
TOM: Is that down -to- 5%, or are they just down to 95% and she's trying
to panic everyone?
CROW: Let's pray for the former.
>trying hard to emulate the seeming calmness of Chakotay and Winston.
JOEL: [Winston] Here, have a joint.
>She knew her voice was shaking though.
CROW: Is she shaking faster than light?
TOM: Huh?
CROW: Well, everyone else seems to be able to. I'd hate for her to be
left out.
>She had never thought her flippant volunteering to take her first bridge watch
>was going to turn out like this.
JOEL: I thought we had determined that she was anything -but- flippant.
CROW: No, we determined that she wasn't a mouse so much as a groundhog.
JOEL: Right.
>She felt guilty for everything that was happening. If she had decoded
>Seven of Nine's message they might not have been in this position.
TOM: And thus proves Chakotay's superiority by adding two and two
together ... and getting three.
>Chakotay also heard the quiver of fear in her voice and spared the time
>to offer what he hoped was a reassuring smile.
CROW: [Chakotay] We're in the middle of a pitched battle, but I'd like
to flirt with you for a minute.
>"You should have volunteered for the Dog Watch," he suggested,
JOEL: [Chakotay] They let the dwarves on board, you know. It's what they
do.
>trying to be light-hearted.
TOM: Yeah, I'd like to weigh his heart with a feather.
JOEL & CROW: What?!
TOM: Sorry, Egyptian joke.
>"This is a picnic compared to what the Colonel puts them through, isn't
>it Ensign Winston?"
JOEL: So the Colonel occasionally sabotages the ship and attacks from
the vents?
CROW: Surprising that they were caught unprepared, then.
>"Aye, Sir!" Winston responded, slapping another pad to send Voyager
>skidding across space again
TOM: How do you skid in a vacuum?
>as another plasma bolt sailed past a nacelle. "A picnic where the jam
>has been spilt for the wasps."
ALL: [Dryly] Ah-ha. Ha. Ha.
CROW: Kill me. Kill me now.
>"Manual lock on lead ship, range 5000 kilometres!" Kim cried in
>jubilation.
JOEL: That's good, Ensign. Now do you see that little red button in
front of you? The one with the word "Fire" on it?
CROW: If they never promote this guy, it'll be too soon.
>Chakotay sighed in relief. At that range the torpedoes would be
>devastating.
TOM: ... to both ships, but he wasn't one to let a little thing like
death stop him.
JOEL: "Wasn't" being the key word here.
>He was about to give the command to fire when Lieutenant
>Caerey's voice broke in from Engineering. "Warp Power!"
CROW: [Chakotay] Damn Caerey, stealing my thunder.
>It changed the situation totally.
TOM: So now that they have warp, they're going to play nice?
>"Harry, reload the stern tubes with cluster torpedoes and a starburst
>probe. Bring Phasors up, lock onto as many ships as we can.
JOEL: "Injure many, destroy few." Interesting strategy.
CROW: For "idiotic" values of "interesting," maybe.
>When we are through fire the starburst and the cluster torpedoes," Chakotay
>demanded rapidly.
JOEL: That's it! I've got ... six dollars.
TOM: I've got ten.
CROW: I've got seventy-five thousand.
JOEL: Good. Let's go buy Ray-Ray a thesaurus.
TOM: Seventy-five -thousand-?!
>"Winston, spin us around to face the enemy as soon as Ensign
>Kim is ready. Take us into warp."
CROW: [Winston] Which one, sir? You can't have it both ways.
>"Ready!" Kim reported twenty seconds later.
TOM: So what happened in those twenty seconds?
JOEL: The ship was destroyed.
TOM: And ... ?
JOEL: Ray-Ray's ignoring that tragic turn of events in favour of the
story.
TOM: Oh. Pity.
>"Rotating," Winston announced immediately, ignoring the explosion of
>sparks emanating from the consoles behind as Voyager was struck by two
>more plasma bursts.
CROW: ... killing two crewman who will never be identified.
JOEL: I'm more surprised that the attacking ships knew Voyager was going
to turn.
>"Shields down to 40%!" Abott screamed over the noise, reminding them how
>close they were.
TOM: How close they were to what, exactly?
CROW: I'm hoping death, but I think the bridge is getting a bit cramped
for her.
>"Fire as we bear!"
JOEL: [Kim] I'm more of a horse person, myself.
>Chakotay relished the command
CROW: Ewww. I can't stand relish.
TOM: Why not?
CROW: It squeaks against my teeth.
JOEL: That almost made sense, except you don't have teeth.
>as four torpedoes leapt from Voyagers forward tubes
TOM: [sfx] SPROING!
>and swung for their targets.
CROW: As opposed to heading right back to Voyager.
>From the top array a beam lanced out and held the nearest ship
JOEL: [beam] No, really; would you like to dance?
>for what seemed to be an eternity.
TOM: This story -is- an eternity.
>As it subsided a second beam lanced from the lower array and held a second
>vessel.
CROW: [beam] You are under arrest. You have the right to fire back; you
have the right to disobey the Prime Directive. If you do not have
a code of honour to disavow, one will be provided for you...
>Four flashes showed the torpedoes had found their targets.
JOEL: However, the flashes refused to be associated with any sort of
explosion.
>Then the view slurred as the ship leapt into warp.
TOM: [Voyager] No, really, officher, I'm not drunk.
>"Starburst and clusters fired commander," Kim announced almost immediately.
CROW: A little slow on the uptake, isn't he?
>"Course laid," Winston responded immediately.
JOEL: He's a little faster on the ball, but not by much.
>"Three vessels have been disabled, Commander," Kim reported the details
>of their quick firing. "The fourth has suffered severe damage to shields
>and drive."
TOM: What sort of drive?
CROW: The drive to live, to see, to seek out new life and civilizations
...
JOEL: Wrong show.
CROW: Oh. Probably warp, then.
>Chakotay slumped in his seat in satisfaction.
JOEL: [Chakotay] Oh, good. Time for my nap.
>Ensign Abott cleared her throat politely, trying to stop herself panting
>from excitement.
CROW: Oh, so she's one of -those- types of girls.
>"Excuse me, Commander. What is a Starburst?"
TOM: [Chakotay] It's a square juicy candy. Here, let's go to the vending
machine ...
>Kim spared the Commander having to explain.
JOEL: [Kim] Shh, don't wake up the Commander when he's taking his nap.
>"It's a probe the Captain had Tuvok develop, from an idea of the Colonel's.
>When it is detonated
CROW: Wait a minute; a probe that detonates? Doesn't that make it a
torpedo?
>it throws out so much clutter it blinds sensors for at least fifteen
>seconds.
TOM: [Kim] Or, at least, inferior sensors like ours, which is all that
really matters.
>If we change direction when it explodes we can be a long way away before
>people can see again.
JOEL: So it basically pokes people in the eyes and runs away?
CROW: Voyager, the Three Stooges of space.
>This was its first test."
TOM: So then how do they know what it really did?
>"The cluster torpedoes will act as a mini minefield," Chakotay added
>reflectively.
JOEL: Put the mirror down, Chakotay; you're not that good-looking.
>"They might not do a lot of damage to the larger ships, but it might slow
>them down a little.
CROW: Unless, of course, if they actually go -around- the minefield.
TOM: A species that actually thinks three-dimensionally? Don't be
ridiculous.
>Now we only have the Borg to deal with. Where is it?"
JOEL: So they're down to a single cube now? Where are the other two?
CROW: On Q's trans-dimensional Monopoly board, I suppose.
>"They haven't changed direction. I don't think they have a lock on us
>yet, Commander," Kim declared.
TOM: Noooo, of course not. You poked them in the eyes too, right?
>"Winston set course after that cube that left!"
JOEL: Make sure you go around the minefield, though.
CROW: Boy, that'd be embarrassing.
>Chakotay ordered in relief. "I want a full damage, casualty and progress
>report on capturing the dwarves!"
TOM: So he wants a damage report on the dwarves ...
CROW: ... casualty report on the dwarves ...
JOEL: ... and progress report on the dwarves.
TOM: That's nice of him and all, but shouldn't he be worried about the
actual ship?
>"Five dead, twenty-three wounded.
CROW: Ten to one that none of the dead are named.
>It is proving difficult to get to some of the wounded," Kim answered.
JOEL: Couldn't they just use the transporters?
TOM: I dunno. As far as we know, Carver's still lying in front of the
turbolift.
>"The ship seems largely intact, a couple of relays have blown out.
CROW: It's so sad to see so much technology lost over the years. Surge
protectors, fuses ...
>Reports suggest that there could be as many as two hundred dwarves
>aboard."
TOM: Wow. Those guys have been busy.
JOEL: Well, you know how it is. You star in a major animated classic,
and soon every female dwarf wants your body.
>"Impossible! They are counting twice. There is no-way they could hide
>that many!" Chakotay snapped.
CROW: With your security? I admire their restraint.
>"Excuse me, Sir!" Winston said politely. "The Colonel has often said he
>could hide a full company on Voyager.
JOEL: Which company?
CROW: Maybe Microsoft.
>And the Komons are only half his size."
TOM: Do you think Ray-Ray's trying to tell us anything by switching
between "commode" and "common"?
CROW: Maybe he's saying that pretty much any everyday, run-of-the-mill,
common individual could outsmart the Voyager crew in his sleep.
JOEL: And the "commode" bit?
CROW: That a common man would be overkill; average toilet water has more
brainpower than the entire population of the ship.
>Chakotay turned to slap down the ensign,
JOEL: Interesting discipline policy, chief.
>then remembered the arguments that he, Tuvok and the Captain had had
>with the Colonel over the poor sensor coverage in parts of the ship.
TOM: Of which nothing was done, of course.
>He was proving correct.
CROW: Erm, which "he"?
JOEL: At least we can eliminate the Captain.
TOM: That's good. If Janeway was actually right about something, the
universe would probably explode.
>"And he would make it look as though we were being attacked by a
>regiment," he sighed at last, relaxing in his seat.
JOEL: [Chakotay] Oh, good, then we're going to die.
TOM: [Chakotay] Time for one last nap, then.
>"The shields have just failed," Abott spoke up.
ALL: Hurrah!
CROW: A few paragraphs ago, they said that if the shields went, they
were as good as dead.
TOM: It's just a matter of time, now.
>"I'm trying to reroute power, but they won't come up again!
JOEL: Crow ...
CROW: I wasn't going to say anything. Honest.
>I think long range scans have been affected as well!"
TOM: [singing] The long range is connected to the ... shields!
CROW: [singing] The shields are connected to the ... crew's lives!
>There was panic in her voice again.
JOEL: What, again?
>"Engineering. Report?" Chakotay demanded quickly.
JOEL: Grrrrr ...
CROW: Now, now, Joel. Why don't you ignore it and move on to something
else?
JOEL: Where's my thesaurus?!
>Samantha Wildman answered him. "We have three dead, Commander. Eight
>injured, including Lieutenant Paris, two seriously, including Lieutenant
>Caerey.
TOM: Notice that only the starring members of the crew are mentioned by
name.
CROW: And that they're not fatally injured, besides being shot by the
same weapons.
>He cross linked the Warp controls like a christmas tree before he was hurt.
JOEL: "Warp" is capitalized, but not "Christmas"?
TOM: And thus are Ray-Ray's priorities suddenly revealed.
>We're struggling to get that under control. The ventilation system down here
>is shot
CROW: ... literally ...
>and we are rigging forcefields across every access into Engineering."
TOM: [Wildman] As such, we can't breathe, but I don't think that will
affect our competency all that much.
>"How badly hurt is B'Elanna?" Chakotay asked in sudden concern. He
>needed the gifted engineer to be working.
JOEL: [Chakotay] I don't -care- if she's got a gaping head wound; I need
the ship to be fixed!
>"Nothing serious, I think," Wildman replied.
CROW: So Wildman's a doctor?
TOM: Come to think of it, I don't know what her official function on the
ship is.
JOEL: I think it's "Plot Device."
>"She is unconscious though. She went berserk, then passed out after
>blowing the Kommodan's out of the vents."
TOM: Well, sure; that's bound to hyperventilate anybody.
CROW: Except Superman.
>"We are going to need her," Chakotay pointed out, rather sharper than he
>had intended.
JOEL: [Chakotay] Well, actually, -I- need her.
CROW: [Chakotay] In my bedroom. In two hours.
>"I know, Commander!"
>
>"Shields are down, can you fix them?"
TOM: [Wildman] Sure! Let me wave my magic wand ...
>"I don't know, Commander. Just a moment, I'll run a trace on the
>circuitry."
JOEL: The calls are coming from inside the house!
>Thirty seconds of impatient waiting later Samantha Wildman responded.
CROW: Who's impatiently waiting?
TOM: I refuse to diagram sentences. My guess is the seconds.
>"I think there is a major distribution,
JOEL: Oh, that's a relief.
CROW: Someone must have forseen their need.
JOEL: They'll probably charge an arm and a leg, though.
>node out of action
TOM: Isn't "out of action" usually reserved for sentients?
CROW: Well, you know how it is. You're stuck on the same ship for seven
years, it becomes part of the crew.
>Section 4 Deck 8, Commander. But we can't get to it! There are several
>Kommodans roaming the corridors outside Engineering.
JOEL: [Wildman] They're singing "Hi ho, hi ho" over and over again. It's
getting really annoying.
>It is only the forcefields stopping them getting in."
TOM: [Wildman] Or us getting out for that matter. I learned that from
you.
>Chakotay slapped the arms of his chair in frustration.
CROW: Aren't the arms of that chair filled with controls?
JOEL: ... and so, hopefully, he's just started the self-destruct
sequence.
>Without shields and sensors Voyager was almost defenceless and blind.
TOM: "Almost"?
JOEL: Well, they can always look out a window.
TOM: And defend themselves how?
JOEL: Running away. Terribly fast.
>The Dwarf situation was going to have to be dealt with urgently, sensors would
>have to be dealt with immediately.
CROW: No one will be seated during the gripping "prioritizing" scene.
>Only he was not sure how he was going to get somebody from the severely
>depleted engineering out of engineering to fix the problems.
ALL: Transporters!
TOM: Geez, how did this guy get in charge?
>"Winston, can you find your way to that magnetic anomaly the Colonel and
>Seven went to investigate?" he asked thoughtfully.
JOEL: Chakotay? Doing something thoughtfully?
CROW: Boy, talk about out-of-character moments ...
>"We'll hide in that until we've dealt with our problems."
TOM: But won't just about everyone see where you're going?
>"Aye, Sir. Course plotted and laid in," Winston responded immediately.
>
>"You had it already plotted?" Chakotay accused, almost amused.
JOEL: Slowly, he begins to realize everyone else is better than him.
>"It seemed like a likely destination, Sir. I've kept track of it."
CROW: [Winston] I've also been keeping track of a 7-11. I'd like a Big
Gulp.
>"The Colonel's training!" Chakotay muttered under his breath.
TOM: So -- again -- I'd like to ask: why isn't the Colonel in charge?
>"I suppose you are going to give me an obvious solution to getting the
>sensors and shields on-line?" Chakotay challenged.
JOEL: [Winston] Well, sir, since you're so obviously incompetent ...
>Winston did not answer. Instead he looked over his shoulder at Ensign
>Abbott.
CROW: [Winston] Abbott! I can see you!
TOM: You know, the constant change of her name from "Abbott" to "Abott"
is really starting to get on my nerves.
>Chakotay followed his gaze
CROW: How -do- you follow a gaze?
JOEL: It's a lot like breadcrumbs, but without the birds.
CROW: Oh. Okay.
>and saw the ensign blush deeply.
TOM: So it was one of those types of looks, then?
>"Ensign?" he asked quietly.
JOEL: [Chakotay] So you're smarter than me, too?
CROW: Thus bringing the total up to ninety-eight billion and one ...
>"I think I can fix the distribution node, Sir!" She stammered in
>embarrassment.
TOM: [Abbott] I hate admitting my abilities! They'll make me do stuff!
>"Are you sure?" Chakotay asked, keeping his voice quiet.
CROW: [Chakotay] It's not that I don't trust you, it's that I don't
believe in you.
>He distinctly remembered B'Elanna wanting her out of Engineering. "Your
>reports from engineering were never encouraging,"
JOEL: Isn't it nice how Ray-Ray will constantly repeat himself and type
things again to make sure we understand and comprehend these
little details and minutia?
TOM: You mean how Ray-Ray will identify key-critical elements of the
plot in such a way as to duplicate them extensively so we can fully
realize these things needed to be said and stated?
JOEL: Quite. Exactly. Precisely. Right-on. Correct. Yes.
>he almost kicked himself at that comment,
CROW: Don't stop on -our- account.
>it was a low blow and he saw her blanch.
TOM: I thought her name was Abbott?
JOEL: Or Abott.
>"I'm a Mineralogist not an Engineer, Sir.
CROW: [Bones] Dammit, Jim!
>I'm not as fast as the others, Sir," she protested plaintively.
TOM: She must be the only member of the crew unable to move faster than
light.
>"It wasn't because I couldn't do it, Sir!"
JOEL: [Abbott] It's because I didn't want to! Yeah, that's the ticket!
>"I'm sorry ensign," Chakotay apologised. "We'll do it. Together."
ALL: [singing] So happy ... together ...
>He turned, all action again.
CROW: [Chakotay] Whew. Got -that- lousy subplot out of the way.
>"Kim, get somebody from security to meet us at the turbo lift on Deck 8.
TOM [Chakotay] Anybody. Doesn't matter who.
JOEL: Someone with their will signed and their affairs in order, I would
think.
>If you secure the Jefferies Tube with a forcefield you will have Kala back."
CROW: Though not necessarily in one piece ...
JOEL: And on that note, it looks like we don't have to take -this- all
in one piece.
[Joel picks up Tom, and they file out]
[ ... 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... ]
SwitchDawg
why aren't Joel and the 'bots riping on that?
SwitchDawg