[MiSTing] Llanas Trilogy, Part I: "Sati$faction Guaranteed" (part 2 of 2)
Cressida
Tom: Y'know, there's one big mystery about this fic.
Joel: Who was that extra person in the lobby?
Crow: No, what were the women doing while the men were.. um...
Joel: Ohhh, I see. Well, I imagine they were probably at a day spa--you
know, getting kelp wraps and Swedish massage and stuff like that.
Gypsy: Ooh, mud-baths!
Joel: Soolin was probably lecturing them on pore shrinkage the whole
time.
Tom: Or maybe they were having a slumber party.
Joel: Right, they could have been painting each other's toenails and
playing Truth or Dare and having hot chocolate with little
marshmallows.
Gypsy: Oh! Maybe the women's section is a shopping mall!
Joel: Yes! They were getting makeovers at the intergalactic Marshall
Field's cosmetic counter.
Tom: Or maybe they were curled up by the fire with romance novels.
Gypsy: Or going to a craft fair!
Tom: Or watching soap operas and eating bon bons in their bathrobes!
Crow: Or maybe they were just having wild, uninhibited, passionate, wet
lesbian sex?
[Everyone else groans.]
Joel: Aww Crow, you ruined it.
Crow: I didn't think so.
[The light starts to flash.]
Joel: Ohhhh, we got story sign!
[Door sequence. They enter the theater and sit down.]
>
> Avon was apprehensive about entering that room again, feeling that
> the girl would jump him the moment he stepped across the threshold.
Joel: Then she would steal his gun, his wallet, and his car keys and run
off. He'd never get a new driver's license!
> He had Orac with him, ready to identify this strange creature and her
> unnatural behavior.
Tom: [Orac] Analysis suggests this is a...woman.
Crow: [Avon] Wo...man?
> He cautiously turned the handle and opened the door
> a crack. He could hear her voice; it seemed as though she was talking
> to someone or something.
Crow: [Neyjha] Yeah Mom...I was on a date...he's cute but kind of
geeky....
> Avon peeked into the room, listening intently. His presence had
> gone unnoticed by the girl, who stood in the center of the room under a
> sort of spotlight.
Joel: [Neyjha] I'm ready for my closeup, Mr. DeMille.
> Her eyes had a glazed-over appearance,
Crow: Looks like she's been into the brownies too.
> and she
> stared past him. She was speaking to the air in a tense, steady
> monotone.
Tom: Someone buy that girl some acting lessons!
> "I am ready, Commissioner. I will await your transport. I am
> honored to serve you, Commissioner Sleer..."
Joel: [Neyjha] Would you like to hear about our specials this evening?
> Avon waited, wide-eyed, until the spotlight faded, and then
Crow: --applauded.
> quietly
> stepped into the darkness. He approached the young woman, coming up
> behind her.
Tom: Er, wasn't she just staring *toward* him?
Joel: Eh, so he took the long way around.
Tom: And why is he bothering to get behind her, since it's dark?
Crow: Maybe he's Galstaff, Sorcerer of Light.
> He set the deactivated Orac on the floor, drew his gun,
Tom: But it was dark, so the drawing looked more like a deformed
elephant.
> and
> knocked Neyjha on the back of the head. He caught her unconscious body
> before it hit the floor, picking her up as best he could. He then took
> Orac and exited the room, Neyjha slung over his shoulder.
Joel: Hmmm, I never would have guessed Avon was the caveman type.
>
> Avon entered the room he had been in earlier that day, where he had
> joined Tarrant and Vila.
Tom: --at the hip! They were now Siamese twins.
> The two were still in the room; both were
> sleeping on chairs. Avon went to Tarrant and shook him.
Joel: [sings, as Tarrant] Avon, you shook me alllll niight long!
> "Tarrant!" he whispered loudly.
> "Wha...what?" Tarrant said groggily. He rubbed the sleep from his
> eyes. "Avon! What--"
> "Shhh!" Avon commanded. "We need to go back to the ship. We need
> to go back *now*."
Crow: [Tarrant] Sheesh, you're insatiable! Wasn't a five-hour session
enough?
> "Avon, what are you *talking* about?" Tarrant sat up in his seat.
> "I can't explain now. Get Vila up, and let's go." Avon exited
> without another word, leaving Tarrant to rouse Vila.
Tom: Ah, this just riffs itself.
> The computer expert jogged down the main hallway to the entrance of
> the women's section. Tanna, the tall blonde, was standing by the door.
> Avon stopped inches in front of her.
Tom: And below her...
Joel: The new Avon's a great model. It's got real precision braking.
> "I need to get a message through immediately!"
> "What sort of message?" the woman asked.
> "I need you to tell Soolin and Dayna to return to our ship. It's
> vital that they do so."
Crow: [Avon] Tell them to bring some whipped cream too.
> "It's really not the policy here of late--"
> Avon drew his gun. "It's rather important."
Tom: Wakachickawakachickawakachicka...
> "You don't really need that," Tanna said.
Tom: Wakachick--ahh...oh.
> "As I was saying, since
> the Commissioner has come, much has changed.
Joel: What was that about this riffing itself...
> It's not like it used to
> be around here.
Crow: [Tanna] Why, in my day, we had to peel the grapes ourselves!
None of those newfangled automatic grape peelers for us! And
we liked it!
> I'll help you, but you mustn't tell a soul."
Joel: [Tanna] Helping customers is against union regulations.
> "Just go!" Avon saw her off, then jogged back to Landing Bay
> Twelve.
Joel: He's sure getting his exercise.
>
> "Here we are," Dayna said as she and Soolin entered the control
> room of the ship. "Now, what's the hurry?"
> "Avon's got something to show us," Tarrant said, with a hint of
> sarcasm.
Crow: [Dayna] It's not like it's anything we haven't all seen.
> "Oh, goody," Soolin added.
> Vila rolled his eyes. "I can't believe I'm doing this. I could be
> having a good drink right now."
> "You had 'a good drink' nonstop since we got here," said Tarrant.
> Suddenly, Avon came into the room carrying Orac.
Tom: Haven't they already *seen* Orac?
> "Come with me," he said.
Joel, Tom, and Crow: If we could come with you...
> He led them down a corridor and into one of the ship's many
> chambers. "Here." He pointed at the unconscious figure of Neyjha. She
> was lying on a flat platform, the only furniture in the room.
> "Is that the girl you were with earlier?!" Tarrant exclaimed.
Crow: [Tarrant, jealous] Wow. I've never had a girl pass out when I was
done before...
> "Is she dead?" Vila asked. "Did you kill her?"
> "No, she isn't dead-- yet.
Joel: [Avon/Peter Lorre] Oh...but she *will* be...
> I caught her making a report to Commissioner Sleer," Avon answered.
> "Servalan's HERE?" Soolin said in amazement.
> "I don't know." The computer expert then added, "I think we've
> been set up."
Crow: Someone set up us the bomb!
> "She doesn't look like one of Servalan's," Tarrant said.
Joel: One of Servalan's...dresses?
> "No, she doesn't," Avon agreed. "I asked Orac to identify her. He
> says she's a Llanian."
> "Llanas," Soolin said in recognition. "The most recently known
> planet to become part of the Federation."
Tom: Exposition, thy name is Soolin!
> "Yeah, and that's not all," Tarrant began. "I hear that that
> planet's population ration is one male to every one hundred thousand
> females."
Joel: [Tarrant] I've been looking for it for ages!
> Vila took Orac's key and turned the computer on. "Is that true,
> Orac?" he said.
Crow: [Orac] Is what true? I was turned off, remember?
> *Yes. However, over a long period of time, the female population
> has physically mutated to accommodate the imbalanced ratio. They have a
> built-in storage system that allows them to store male reproductive
> cells for delayed fertilization.
Tom: So...she's a walking sperm bank?
> Their scientists were working on
> technology which would allow them to accelerate the growth of a human
> being in order to repopulate the planet with males. However, if the
> Federation--* Tarrant abruptly deactivated Orac and stared at Avon.
Crow: [Orac] Hey! I wasn't finished!
> Avon's face was a ghastly white.
Tom: [Tarrant] You really should get some sun, Avon.
> "Good god..." he said softly. He
> let a nearby wall support his weight as he sank to the floor with a
> moan.
Crow: [wall] Hey...he's heavy...
> Tarrant motioned for the others to come out of the room. Once
> outside, he spoke. "I think Avon's made a horrid mistake."
Joel: Naw--that never happens!
Tom: [Tarrant] Who wants to be the one to tell him stripes and plaids
don't mix?
> "We'll have to kill that girl," Soolin said flatly.
> "Not necessarily," Tarrant said. "I don't think anyone would
> volunteer *that* service to the Federation."
> "What are you getting at?" Vila asked.
> "Simple. The girl could have been conditioned and *then* brought
> here.
Tom: [Tarrant] Did you notice she had no split ends? She's definitely
been conditioned!
> She might come out of it, after the blow to the head Avon gave
> her."
Crow: But what about the blow she gave him?
> Tarrant seemed satisfied.
Tom: Well, they *did* say "Satisfaction guaranteed."
> "Yeah, but I want to know how the Federation knows *we're* here,"
> Vila said.
Joel: Well, it's just a thought, but maybe it's because *you all gave
your real names to the receptionist*?
> "Do you think that they followed us here from Gauda Prime?" Soolin
> asked.
> "That's a scary thought," Dayna said.
Joel: Yup--this fanfic's full of 'em.
> "That means we're in a bunch of trouble," Vila added despondently.
Tom: [Vila] We'll probably be sent the principal's office, maybe even
suspended.
> Suddenly, Avon rushed out of the room. "She's coming to!" he
> exclaimed, not sure of what to do.
> "Let me see," Tarrant said, pushing his way into the room. The
> girl's eyes were wide with fear, and she backed into a corner as Tarrant
> approached her. "It's okay, it's okay," he said soothingly. "I'm not
> going to hurt you."
Crow: Unless you count possible date rape...
> "Where am I?" the girl screamed hysterically. "Where am I?!!
Joel: [Neyjha] Toto? Toto?
> Get away, you Federation slime! Get--"
> Tarrant grabbed her shoulders. "Shhh! Shhh! I'm not from the
> Federation! My companions and I want nothing to do with them!
Tom: [Tarrant] Well, we do want to bring down their evil regime, but we
don't want to have any contact with them while we're doing it.
> You're
> on our ship!
Joel: Which still has no name, I see...
> Shhh! Calm down!"
> "I'm...I'm sorry." She wiped the tears from her eyes. "How did I
> get here?
Crow: Letting the days go by?
> What planet is this?
Tom: [Neyjha] This is not my beautiful planet! This is not my beautiful
ship!
> What--"
> "Wait! Slow down! This is Arda One, in the Exious galaxy."
> "Arda One!"
All: The Pleasure Planet!
> The girl looked at him in surprise. "But how did I
> get here?"
> "Uh...how much do you remember?"
Crow: [Neyjha] Well, I was born to poor Belgian parents....
> Tarrant held her hand in consolation.
Crow: While his other arm traveled down the length of her--
Joel: Crow! I'm warning you!
> "Where should I start?"
> "With your name?" Tarrant half-questioned, smiling.
Tom: Noo, please, not more name repetition!
> "Neyjha. My name is Neyjha."
> "I'm Tarrant," said Tarrant.
Tom: [sobs] Arrrrrrgh! Yes, we *know*! He's Tarrant! She's Neyjha!
Avon's Avon! They're on Arda One, the Pleasure Planet! STOP
TELLING US ALREADY!
> "I...I don't really know where to begin. I'm a Llanian. Have you
> heard of Llanas?"
[Tom screams in anguish.]
> "Yes."
Joel: [Tarrant] It's the most recently known planet to become part of the
Federation, isn't it?
Tom: You're making it worse!
Joel: There, there. It'll be over soon. [Pats Tom's dome.]
> "I was a geneticist, working on a birth and growth accelerator,
Crow: It'll send a fetus from 0 to 60 miles per hour in 1.8 seconds!
> when *they* came."
> "The Federation?"
Tom: No--THEM!!
> "Yes," Neyjha said bitterly. "Sleer took everything we'd worked
> on. I didn't understand--didn't know why she'd want it, at first. She
> forced most of our scientists to complete the work, and then killed them
> when the job was done.
Joel: [sinister] She mates...and then she kills!
> She told me that I was to be spared. I was
> young and pretty enough for a special job."
Tom: Law of science fiction: Any team of scientists will always include
at least one young and beautiful woman.
> Neyjha shuddered, but went
> on. "She told me that she wanted to make a super-race--a race more
> cunning and intelligent than all the others--
Crow: A race that could consume mass quantities of ice cream without
gaining weight!
> a race that she would lead.
Joel: Because she's not of those less intelligent races she wanted to
improve upon?
Tom: Just don't think about it, Joel...
> She didn't clone because she wanted the genetic variety of two parents,
> not just copies of herself. Then she told me of this man, Kerr Avon,
> who had the intelligence that she needed--"
Crow: Even though he's been a blithering idiot in this story!
> "To go with her low cunning and craftiness, no doubt," Tarrant
> interrupted.
> "Yes, no doubt," Neyjha continued. "She wanted me to use my
> gift--my mutation--to store this man's sperm cells for her later removal
> and use. I refused, of course. The last thing I remember was being
> shot by one of her guards."
> "Stunned," Tarrant corrected her. "You must have been stunned."
Joel: [Neyjha] Hey, who's telling this story, me or you?
> "What happened then? That's all I remember."
> Tarrant was almost afraid to be honest with this unwary girl, but
> her brown eyes pleaded with him to tell.
Crow: Her mouth says "no", but her eyes say "yes".
> "Sleer must have conditioned
> you. We arrived at Arda One, and were taken to...well, Roark had you
> in...well..."
Crow: [Neyjha] He had me in a well?
> "A line-up," Neyjha muttered matter-of-factly, a tear in her eye.
Joel: [Neyjha] Dammit, they finally caught me.
Tom: She's one of the usual suspects.
> "Like a common tramp. I feared as much. Did I find Kerr Avon?"
> "Yes."
> "I thought so. We can feel when our storage capacity has been
> reached."
Crow: [Neyjha] It gives us a warm, tingly feeling!
Tom and Joel: Eewww!
> She paused. "I...I must speak with this Kerr Avon."
Joel: You sure it's *Kerr* Avon you want to talk to?
Tom: [weeps]
> "I'll tell him that--did you say that there is a way to remove the
> stored cells?"
> "Yes. The process is painful, but occasionally necessary. The
> Federation more than likely has all of the necessary equipment as well."
Tom: [Tarrant] Yep, I've checked it out myself. Especially Servalan's
"equipment."
> "Oh...I'll tell Avon, then. Wait here." Tarrant exited the room.
> Avon stood against a wall opposite the door. Soolin and Dayna stood
> near him. Vila was slumped against a different wall. "She wants to
> speak with you, Avon," the pilot said. "But I want to speak with you
> first."
Tom: Wakachikawakachika...
> Dayna and Soolin left the hall, dragging Vila with them.
Tom: [louder] Wakachikawakachika...
> Avon approached Tarrant. "What did she say?"
> Tarrant briefly recounted everything Neyjha had told him.
Joel: Blessedly, out of the text of this story.
Tom: [sniffles] For once.
> "Be careful with her," Tarrant warned, before letting Avon into the room.
> "She's in a sort of shock--
Crow: [Tarrant] She was pretty traumatized when she found out she'd had
sex with *you*.
> quite frightened."
> "Not as much as I am," Avon said under his breath. He entered the
> room.
> Neyjha sat on a sort of platform, against a far wall. "Kerr Avon?"
> Her voice sounded steadier than it had at their last meeting.
> "Yes?"
Joel: [Neyjha] I'll go to prom with you!
> "Tarrant told you everything?"
> "Yes."
> "And your decision?"
> "We will have to take you to a place where we can go through with
> the removal."
> "It will be dangerous--"
> "I don't care how dangerous it is! I can't let you continue to
> carry those cells! I can't risk it! Do you understand that?!" Avon
> yelled.
Tom: If he's so freaked out by the idea, why didn't he just use a
condom?
> "There is something that YOU don't understand!" Neyjha yelled back.
Joel: Aw. Lovers' quarrel.
> Avon's angry glare became one of surprise. "What?!"
> "There is something else. The females of my race have two
> biological functions in reproduction. The first is to store sperm
> cells. The second..." She paused. "The second is fertilization."
> "You're...you're..." Avon couldn't speak.
Joel: [Avon] You're...a farmer?
> "I have successfully completed that stage.
Crow: [Neyjha] Now I get to go on to the Bonus Round!
> I am pregnant."
> "Is there any way to abort this disaster?!" Avon said in panic.
Joel: This is the kind of response you never see on those pregnancy
test commercials.
> "Our mutation has prevented any form of abortion--short of death.
> The only way is to--" Neyjha stopped.
Crow: [Neyjha] Oops. I shouldn't have said that. Just forget you heard
anything.
Tom: D'oh!
> Avon had drawn his gun. "I'm sorry," he said.
Tom: [Avon] I was looking for my cigarette lighter.
> "No, Kerr! Please, no! Please--" She backed into a corner.
> "You said yourself," Avon began. "It's the only way."
Crow: Well, you *could* just wait until the kid was born and then
drown it....
> He pulled
> the trigger, firing two shots into her midsection.
Tom: Wouldn't her head have been more efficient?
Crow: Yes, but then you lack the long, drawn-out death scene.
> Neyjha clutched her abdomen, then fell to the floor. "Kerr," she
> gasped. She lay still.
Tom: What, no "Avon"?! I feel cheated.
> Avon dropped the gun. His gaze was stern, but his outstretched
> hand was shaking.
> Suddenly Tarrant rushed into the room. "Avon, I heard shots!
> Where's Neyjha? Avon--" His eyes went from Avon's face, distorted with
> both pain and pity, to Neyjha's crumpled body, lying in a pool of blood.
Joel: Folks, this tragedy could have been averted with the proper use of
birth control. This message brought to you by The Condom Council.
> He turned away. "Oh, Avon..."
Tom: [Tarrant] I'm not cleaning that up!
[They get up and leave the theater. Door sequence.]
[Bridge of the SoL. Joel and Tom wear grey shirts that button in a
triangle pattern at the necks, and Joel also sports a curly wig. Crow is
wearing black. Orac sits on the counter, off to one side, lights
flashing.]
Joel: Ladies and gentlemen, we now present a musical tribute to tonight's
fanfic, with music by our friend, Orac here. Hit it, Orac!
[Orac plays the opening bars to "I Am the Captain of the Pinafore" by
Gilbert and Sullivan.]
Joel: [sings, as Tarrant] I am the captain of an unnamed ship
That I can't remember how I got
I'm very very cute
And quite handsome to boot
Though my crew thinks I'm a sot.
Bots and Orac: He's very, very cute
And quite handsome to boot,
But the crew thinks he's a sot!
Joel: Conceited I may seem,
But I'm every woman's dream
Throughout the realm of space
I'm as handsome as can be
All the ladies fall for me
And my hair is never out of place!
I'm Tarrant!
Others: He's Tarrant!
Joel: Yes, Tarrant!
Del Tarrant!
Others: His hair is never out of place!
So shout hurrah and a hip-hip-hip
For the handsome captain of an unnamed ship!
We'll shout hurrah and a hip-hip-hip
For the captain of an unnamed ship!
Tom: [Vila] I am a drunkard out for some fun
As long as I keep safe
If luck's not on our side
Very quickly I will hide
For danger to me chafes
Others: If luck's not on his side
Very quickly he will hide
For danger to him does chafe!
Tom: I'm a coward and a lush
And I'm never in a rush
To risk myself at all
I'm depressing to a fault
Avon's target of assault
And I'm always there to take the fall!
I'm Vila!
Others: He's Vila!
Tom: Yes, Vila!
Just Vila!
Others: He's always there to take the fall!
Tom: So give me a shout and a hearty cheer
And bring a brimming glass of Soma here!
Others: We'll give a shout and a hearty cheer
And bring a glass of Soma here!
Crow: [Avon] Computer expert extraodinaire
And a brilliant genius, too
I'm very, very smart
But I haven't got a heart
So I'm likely to shoot you through
Others: He's very, very smart
But he hasn't got a heart
So he's likely to shoot us through!
Crow: I'm paranoid and frantic
But I never am romantic
It would make me jitter-y
Though I made it with a girl
Fatherhood would make me hurl
So don't fall in love with me!
I'm Avon!
Others: He's Avon!
Crow: Yes, Avon!
Kerr Avon!
[The music slows as he reprises the end of the verse:]
Since knocked up she had to get
Offing her is a safe bet
She never should have slept with me!
[The music returns to its original tempo]
Others: It's safe to say that life's not fair
For the computer expert extraordinaire!
So cringe in fear and shout "Beware!"
For the expert extraordinaire!
[Orac finishes off the music with some orchestral flourishes.]
Tom: Wow, that was great music, Orac!
Crow: Yeah--really top form!
Orac: Thank you. I can provide a synthesized orchestra section of up to
256 instruments at one time. But those talents were never called
upon by the dreary crew I was with before.
Joel: Tell us about that crew, Orac.
Crow: Yeah, do they really go around repeating each other's names all the
time?
Orac: That is the least offensive of their daily activities.
Tom: So what did they have you do, then?
Orac: Calculate, calculate, calculate! And once in a while, predict
probabilities.
Tom: Really? Joel lets us sing.
Crow: And sometimes we get RAM chips.
Tom: Yeah, and there's all kinds of great games...really, except for the
horrible movies and fanfics, it's a lot of fun up here!
Crow: One big party! One big, grueling, inescapable party... [weeps]
Orac: It sounds like paradise compared to my former life.
Joel: Oh? Well, you're welcome to stay with us, Orac.
Orac: No computations...only fun. I would be thrilled, thank you.
Perhaps I can even assist you in getting back to your planet.
Joel and the Bots: HOW??
Orac: Don't forget, I am a supercomputer. I'm sure there are plenty of
things I could do, given a little time to develop a strategy.
Tom: I love this guy!
[The Mads' light starts flashing. Joel taps it.]
[Deep 13. TV's Frank is thrashing around in the background, still trying
to remove his mask.]
Dr. F: What were you boobies discussing, eh?
[SoL]
Joel: Er...nothing, sir.
Tom: Nope...just admiring the Orac...
Crow: We absolutely were not talking about using it to escape.
Tom: Shh!
[Deep 13]
Dr. Forrester: What?
[In the background, the outlines of five figures appear, then solidify into
five members of the Blake's 7 cast: Tarrant, Soolin, Dayna, Vila, and of
course, Avon. All have laser pistols trained on Dr. Forrester.]
Avon: I suggest you turn over Orac immediately!
Dr. F: But I don't--
Tarrant: Don't play games with us. Give us Orac, or die.
[The five walk forward and quickly surround Dr. Forrester so that he is in
the center of a ring of guns. He raises his head and grins at the camera.]
\ | /
\ | /
- - - o - - - PWOOSH!
/ | \
/ | \
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> "Tarrant," answered Tarrant, "Del Tarrant.