[MiSTed] Orb Triple Take, Round 2 (part 1)
bookw...@my-deja.com
[SOL bridge. Mike is standing behind the desk. There's no
sign of Tom and Crow.]
Mike: Hi, folks, and welcome--
[A gust of wind interrupts him.]
Mike: --to the...Satellite...of...
[Another gust of wind sweeps across the bridge, playfully
ruffling his hair. Let's just dwell on that image for a
moment, shall we? Mmmm...]
[Pause.]
Mike: Ahem?
[Oh, sorry.]
Mike: S'all right. Tom? Crow?
[Bots enter from either side.]
Crow: You rang?
Mike: Yes...you two happen to know anything about these wind
gusts that have been occurring?
[A gust helpfully blows across the bridge.]
Mike: Yeah, like that. Thanks.
[No problem.]
Mike: Well?
Crow: We've been up here for ten years, you know, and...
well...
Tom: It finally occurred to us that we've never *really*
experienced weather.
Mike: What about that snowfall we had at Christmas a few
years back?
Crow: Come on, Mike, that was a freak occurrence. A one-
shot deal. All we really know about weather is what's
here on the SOL--which is always pleasant--and what's
outside--which is really cold.
Tom: Yeah! We want to experience weather in all its variety
and power! So we reprogrammed the climate control.
Crow: Well, actually, we had Gypsy do it.
Mike: Uh, huh. And just what sort of weather are we having?
Tom: Let's find out! Magic Voice?
Magic Voice: High pressure building in from the cargo bays
spells beautiful weather for the load pan bay. A
low-pressure system is approaching the bridge,
however, so there's a severe thunderstorm watch for
it and the Holocabana. There's also a flash flood
warning posted for Mike's room until the end of
today's experiment.
Mike: What?!
Tom: Well, it turns out your room is the equivalent of
Phoenix during the monsoon season.
Mike: But...but...
Tom: Look, once we established a few basic climate regions,
the rest just kinda fell into place by itself. We
didn't have any control over it. Sorry.
Crow: Hey, think we could get a tornado going in here?
Mike: Crow! Don't you know how dangerous those are?
Crow: No, we *don't,* Mike. That's kinda the *point* of
this whole exercise. [yells off-screen] Gypsy,
program a tornado for the bridge!
Gypsy [off-screen]: Roger that!
Tom: Besides, Mike, maybe we'll finally get to use that
storm-cellar scene.
Mike: That's a point. [Commercial light starts flashing.]
We'll be right back... [A tornado siren starts
wailing.] I hope... [He hits commercial light as he
and the bots scurry off-screen.]
[Commercials. Those weather-bar aficionados get plastered
and try to hit on women. "If I told you you have a
beautiful frontal boundary, would you hold it against
me?"]
[Bridge of the SOL. Wind-blown debris--papers, leaves,
etc.--are strewn across the desk. Mike, Tom, and Crow
enter.]
Mike: We're back, folks. And it looks like things have
calmed down.
["What about the storm-cellar scene?" comes the yell from
a number of readers.]
Mike: Sorry. We still can't wrangle it away from Gramercy.
[There's some muttering and grumbling from the readers, but
they eventually settle down.]
Mike: Anyway, there wasn't a tornado, but we did get some
wicked straight-line winds.
Tom: Yeah, you should see the damage in the hydroponics bay!
[Mads light starts flashing.]
Mike: Looks like Jeanetta Jones, Flip Spiceland, and Willard
Scott are calling.
Crow: Hey Mike, you think Pearl could get us declared a
disaster area?
Mike: We'll see, honey. [hits light]
[Castle Forrester. The living room looks like a news studio,
but everything is emblazoned with logos reading 'The
Weather Station.' Observer is standing in front of a
blue-screen. On a nearby monitor, we see a weather map
on the blue-screen.]
Observer: ...And in the Southwestern United States, strong
summer thunderstorms, known colloquially as 'monsoon
rains,' will be developing soon. Severe thunderstorm
and flash-flood watches have been posted for all of
Arizona, New Mexico, Utah, and Nevada, as well as
western Texas. This approaching front will also bring
heavy rains to the entire West Coast. Moving to the
Midwest...
[Pearl Forrester pops into view.]
Mrs. F.: Hello, riders of the storm. Guess what I've
recently discovered about human nature?
[SOL]
Mike: Let me guess--it has something to do with the weather?
[Castle]
Mrs. F.: No, it has to do with the weather. [She pauses,
then shakes her head and continues.] Anyway, I've
found out that people always believe what the broadcast
weathermen tell them, even if it's contrary to what
they can see for themselves! So I got Brain Guy there
to override the Weather Channel's signal, and we're
broadcasting our own weather reports. We'll convince
everyone in the country that they're under some kind
of severe weather alert and should stay in their homes!
And while they do that, I can take over the country!
[SOL]
Tom: Yep, she's definitely been watching too much 'Pinky
and the Brain.'
Mike: Oh, come on, Pearl. Not enough people pay attention
to weather alerts to make that plan feasible. I mean,
Arizona had to pass a 'Stupid Motorists' law because
people keep trying to drive through flooded streets and
washes. And look at all those people who film
tornadoes with their camcorders when they ought to be
cowering in the southwest corner of their basements!
Crow: Besides, people only watch the Weather Channel to see
those cute women hosts. Face it, Mrs. F. Your plan's
doomed from the start.
[Castle]
Mrs. F.: Fine. Sure. Rain on my parade, why don't you?
Well, you'll pay the piper for that. I *was* going to
send you 'Twister,' in keeping with today's theme.
Instead, you'll be getting *another* triple-feature
from lilac!
[SOL]
[Mike and the bots are elated, but are trying to keep it
hidden.]
Mike: You're sure you can't send us 'Twister?'
[Castle]
Mrs. F.: Yes, I'm sure! And just for that, I'll even send
you a *bonus* lilac post. Brain Guy!
Observer: And now, to relate the East Coast forecast, here
is my...esteemed colleague, Professor Bobo.
Bobo [stepping in front of the screen]: Oooh, you folks on
the East Coast had better watch out! There's a *huge*
line with big, pointed teeth coming right for you!
Oooh, oooh, and Ohio...there's a big 'L' sitting right
on top of you!
[Observer shakes his head and walks to Mrs. F.]
Observer: Yes, madam?
Mrs. F.: Send those blockheads that second set of Orb posts.
Observer: What about 'Twister?'
Mrs. F.: Just do it! [She yanks his microphone off and
threatens to strangle him with the cord.]
Observer: Whatever you say. [Brain Guy sound effects]
[SOL]
[Lights, shaking, etc.]
All: We've got Post Sign!
Tom: Yes!
[Doors]
[Theater. Mike and bots sit down.]
Crow: Boy, we dodged a bullet on that one, didn't we?
Mike: Yeah. Just about *anything* would be better than
'Twister.' This oughta be a breeze...so to speak.
[Tom and Crow groan.]
> Forum: alt.startrek.creative
Mike: You know, I wouldn't wish this sort of spam even on
them.
Crow: You *are* a forgiving sort, aren't you?
> Subject: Aliens On Earth: TEAM ORB member responds to
> detractor...
Tom: It's official. He's loony. He's talking to farm
machinery.
> Date: 1999/07/10
> Author: My Home li...@home.com
Mike: Lavender, however, is out of town.
>
> Dear:
Crow: Aren't you getting a little personal? We hardly know
you.
>
> As to the remarkable images of Alien Orbs found on -
Tom: The front page of the Weekly World News?
Mike: A plate of mashed potatoes?
Crow: Your a--
[Mike glares at Crow.]
Crow: Aaah, never mind.
All: Oh, *there.*
>
> ...by deliberately using a flash and some dust or dog hair
> against the lens you have proven nothing,
Crow [as Sgt. Schultz]: I prove nothink--no*think!*
> as that does not
> duplicate the circumstances under which TEAM ORB photographs
> the REAL ORBS in the Vortex meadow,
Mike: This is sounding like an RPG.
Tom: You are standing in the middle of a Vortex meadow when a
seventh-level Orc confronts you. What do you do?
> or elsewhere. First we
> find some Orbs, they are friendly and very large,
Crow [as lilac]: I especially like the way they keep humping
my leg.
Mike: Ahh...sorry, lilac. Those are St. Bernards.
> then we
> take pictures of them. Others in Lancashire England have
> found orbs in a 1783 circa mansion,
Crow: Wow, those insects are doing all right for themselves.
Or am I thinking of cicadas?
Tom: Wait a sec...he *rounded* to 1783?
Mike: Well, he couldn't remember if it was built in January
or June.
> some have found them
> in graveyards or near specific homes in Connecticut.
Crow: Some of them were found in graveyards *near* specific
houses in Connecticut.
> Another person was able to take pictures off the top of a
> restaurant
Tom: ...as he took a swan-dive off it.
> overlooking New York City at a place Bryan
> Williams, Team Orb leader had found.
Mike: So before Bryan came along, no one in New York City
knew about this place?
Tom: Maybe he means that Bryan *founded* it.
Mike: Well, if that's the case, he ought to stick to
restaurant management.
>
> We record them, they give off high pitched whistles and
> static
Crow: So they're fans of Brian Eno?
> which appears to be highly compressed digital audio,
Tom: This guy can see sounds now? Can he also taste colors,
or feel the weight of flesh--
Mike: No, Tom, he's *not* one of the People.
Tom: Oh, good.
> which we are trying to decode, as it appears to be an
> attempt to transmit data at a very highly compressed
> wavelength
Crow: Dude, that is a *great* modem you've got!
> and we are working on a decoding algorithm.
Mike [as lilac]: However, since we have problems even with
those Cryptoquotes in the newspaper, this will
probably take a while.
> We
> have been able to map some of the shreaks and static,
Tom [heavy on the sarcasm]: Oh, *that's* sure to be a
popular atlas.
> but
> we are still looking at the very unsual wavelengths which
> resemble a fractal encoding algorithm,
Crow: Wow, this guy's technobabble is as good as Star Trek's.
> bearing some
> singular digital wave forms all overlapped,
All [singing]: Catch a wave form and you're sittin' on top
of an Orb...
> using what
> must be something similar to trellis coding.
Tom [as lilac]: We'll have to clear away all the ivy
growing on it to be sure, though.
> Apparently,
> this is as primitive as they are capable of sending
> information our way,
Mike [as Observer]: We have evolved beyond the need for
communication...
Tom: Mike, I *swear* if you do that again, we're tossing
*you* out the airlock.
Mike: All right, already. Sheesh.
> along with the Video like images of
> various flora and fauna that they form when the want us
> to see them with our cameras...
Mike: Uh, oh...sounds like we're being invaded by the
Dominion again.
>
> We are of the impression that the "sink hole" phenom
All: The *what?*
> in
> the center of the Vortex in NJ,
Tom: Either of you heard of this before?
Mike and Crow: Nope.
Tom: So lilac's trying to win an argument by throwing out
new, and even more confusing, information. *Great*
debating technique.
> is being caused by some
> piece of heavy equipment invisible to the eye,
All [singing]: He tried to kill me with an invisible
forklift--Ole!
> because a
> geologist friend who works for the DOD,
Voice: Ooooh. The Department of Defense and geology--
what a *natural* combination! Why didn't I consider
*that* for a career move?
All: What the...
Voice: Sorry--just doing some obligatory damage to the
fourth wall. Carry on.
> has analyized the
> five "footprints" (they are about 10-15 feet long and
> several feet deep arranged in a perfect elongated pentagon
> the size of this huge piece of equipment)
Tom: It's the "Blair Witch Project" taken to the next level!
Mike: Three believers in extraterrestrials go in search of
the legendary "Orbs." A year later, they set up a
web site in a vain attempt to sell their "footage."
> which resemble a
> heavy object's "Feet" or "Legs" "sunk" into the dirt where
> no plants will grow, yet plants grow everywhere else like
> wildfire,
Crow: Aren't plants generally wiped out by wildfire?
Mike: It's just an expression.
Crow: Well, it's a pretty stupid one in this case.
> that seems to signify something there we can not
> otherwise see.
Mike: The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its
sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or
where it is going.
Tom: I don't think that's what lilac had in mind.
>
> When we walk into the middle of this "Shuttlecraft" area,
[All burst out laughing.]
Tom: This guy's watched "Star Trek IV" a few too many times!
Crow: Hey! Maybe *this* is where Voyager gets all its
shuttlecrafts!
> no Orbs can be easily photographed, almost like invisible
> walls are screening out their images,
Tom: Okay, I'm having problems understanding this--
Crow: Which is par for the course.
Tom: Yeah. Do these walls block everything, in which case
they aren't really invisible, since it's apparent
that you can't see the outside from the inside? Or
do they *only* block the Orbs, in which case they
should be called windows with an Orb filter? And
yes, I know...I'm thinking too much.
> which may be an
> indication that it is some kind of a solid object, like a
> shuttle craft,
Mike: Oh, sure. Solid object equals shuttlecraft. How
could I *not* have seen that before?
> whose walls prevent light from entering
> whatever strange existential state it resides in,
Crow: That would be your mind, lilac.
> where
> the Orbs must emit from - so our light inside the "shuttle"
> area, is blocked by the object, unable to reach outside
> only in "that dimension".
Tom: A dimension not of sight or sound, but of crap.
>
> You can see some of it in the images on
> http://www.orbsite.com .
Mike: But...if these walls are invisible and block out the
Orbs, then we *can't* see it, can we?
>
> Someone suggested to us, a well known psychic,
Crow [as lilac]: ...could get in touch with the spirit of
my sanity.
> that there
> IS a very big "thing" sitting in the dirt at that location,
Mike: Oh, it's just a giant invisible kid making mud pies.
Tom: That actually sounds like a more reasonable explanation.
Mike: Well, Occam's Razor and all.
> like a ship or shuttle craft, 50 tons weight, which keeps
> the ruts in place,
Tom: Yeah, I'd hate to lose my place in a rut.
Crow: Little chance of that happening for us, I'm afraid.
> despite the lack of any other sink hole
> cause - no actual sink hole beneath these ruts in the area.
Crow: So...these ruts are sink holes, but they're not.
Mike: No, Crow. They aren't sink holes, they're "sink holes."
Crow: Oh, like that makes any difference!
> It was suggested by the psychic, that the "ship" sitting in
> the middle of the Vortex is invisible to us, because it is
> several "seconds ahead" in time,
[All start laughing again.]
Crow: His technobabble's just as *bad* as Star Trek's, too.
Tom: No kidding! If this thing was *just* "seconds ahead"
of us, and was solid enough to sink into the ground,
then we should see *it* too. We'd just be seeing it
on tape-delay.
> but the ruts its 'landing
> struts' leave in the dirt there keep reappearing, even if
> you try to fill them in with dirt,
Mike: Sounds like one of Hercules' lesser-known labors.
Tom: Or a punishment in Hades.
Crow: No, we're experiencing that right now.
Tom: Good point.
> when you come back later,
> the area has sunk down again, despite the lack of actual
> sink holes beneath each indentation.
Tom: So why does lilac keep insisting that there have to
be sink holes under sink holes in order for sink
holes to exist?
Mike: Huh?
>
> The US Government left observation equipment behind where
Crow: It could be observed.
Tom: Logical, really.
> the electromagnetic readings from this ship can be found:
> it actually distorts the Earth's Magnetosphere at that
> point,
Mike: Rush Limbaugh must be nearby. He distorts everything.
> so the Government, who has been observing our Team's
> activities covertly (but not covertly enough for us to
> detect it),
Crow: So it was so obvious you...didn't detect it. Uh, huh.
> put some unusual absorbant
Mike: Sponges?
Tom: Paper towels?
Crow: Diapers?
> spectometric
> equipment
Crow: Ohh. They're measuring Richard Speck.
> or other recording study equipment there to see
> if they could get images of whatever is there within this
> "ship" or "shuttlcraft",
Tom: Strangely enough, they only saw two large copulating
lizards.
> in an attempt to find out what
> owns it, only to find that within a short period of time,
Mike: ...ABC News found out about it and spotlighted it on
their "It's Your Money" segment.
> something got into the Government's surveillance instruments
> and altered the chemical structure of some of the internal
> technology at play, causing it to stop working.
Crow: In other words, they poured battery acid inside them.
> Having no
> explanation for that, they took two of the piece of
> instrument out of the Vortex, leaving one behind.
Mike: Sounds like a math problem for the children of
Michigan militiamen.
> They are
> being very closemouthed at the CIA, the NSA, the Pentagon
> and NASA,
Tom: Must make it rather difficult to eat.
> but do generally try to pull the dust/pollen/dog
> hair routine from time to time,
Mike: Which they'd made a classic during their vaudeville
years.
> but it fails to impress
> anymore,
Crow: So do you, lilac. So do you.
> now that we've gotten the majority of the classes
> of Orb onto -
>
> http://www.orbsite.com
Mike: Oooh, I'd better see if Alien Conspiracy Theories 101
is still open.
>
> - so the public can see that it is the Orb Beings, and not
> this nonsense about dust or pollen
Tom: Wait...I thought they were photographing the Orbs, not
the Beings. Or is he saying now that the Orbs *are*
the Beings?
Crow: Who knows? Who really knows anymore?
> (boy, pollen 6 feet in
> diameter, I'd hate to see what kind of chrysanthemum it
> fell from!
Mike: Heh. Guess he's never heard of forced perspective.
> it usually takes an electron microscope to see
> pollen...!)
Tom [snickering]: He's never taken biology, either.
>
> We even had the local police come by a few times
Crow [as lilac]: You know, jail isn't as bad as people had
led me to believe...
> sort of
> checking up on us and sent them away with awe in their eyes
Mike: No, lilac. That was laughter.
> as we photographed the orbs gathering around them inside
> of their police cars (invisible to them,
Tom [as televangelist]: But not to those who truly
*believe!*
> but we showed them
> photos on the CCD Camera screens of the Orbs checking the
> Police Out...
Mike [as Orb]: Whoa...check the beer gut on *that* sheriff!
> it shocked them "In OUR Town, this is???").
Crow: If Yoda played the narrator from 'Our Town'...
>
> By the way, if you're going to be so mean spirited and
> nasty,
Tom [as lilac]: I'm just gonna take my Orbs and go home!
> and so full of anger about dog hair or dust
Mike: Isn't anger rather an overreaction to those?
Tom: Well, this "detractor" is probably allergic to them.
Mike: Ahh.
> (next
> it will be the classic "pollen", or "electrical discharge
> from rocks"),
Crow: Oh, yeah, that ranks right up there with "weather
balloons."
> we've heard it all before, and passed a
> serious photographic expert's severe examination of our
> equipment, and the circumstances of our Team's picture
> taking,
Mike: Uh, huh. Care to name this "expert" and have him put
his reputation on the line? No? Thought not.
> and it just does not turn out to be hair, dust,
> pollen or discharges,
All: Eeeewwww!
> so, please, keep your amatuerish
> efforts to discredit the Orbs to yourself!
Crow: Yeah! Let *us* handle it!
>
> The Government is putting on one face to the public,
Mike: And spending far too much on makeup.
> but
> our intel tells us they are quite worried about the Orbs
> and the Vortex,
Tom: Now he thinks his computer is talking to him! This
guy's nuttier than a fruitcake!
> as Jack A. Shulman, ACC's head and computer
> super-guru,
Mike: A super-guru? Isn't that redundant?
> had stated publically, that if the Government
> has no idea what the Orbs are, then
Crow: ...they're just like everyone else.
> that alone constitutes
> a National Security Issue, (but not a National Security
> Threat).
Tom: So National Security Threats are a subset of National
Security Issues? I'll have to remember that for my
next math test.
> ACC is located on the web at http://accpc.com .
>
> It turns out
Mike [as lilac]: ...that we have absolutely no idea what
we're doing.
> the images we take are of actual,
> technological Orbs (portals peering in on our dimension or
> space-time
Crow: Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Space-Time.
> observing humanity and wandering among us as we
> live our daily lives -
Tom: As opposed to our weekly or monthly lives?
> perhaps they view us as a grand
> experiment and want to watch to see how well we do),
Crow: Personally, I'd rather view "Grand Hotel." Now
*there's* a study of humanity.
> each
> from 6" to 6 Feet in size representing an "Orb Type", they
> wander around the Vortex and elswhere in specific groups
> of generally two kinds or more.
Mike: Now please, Orbs, stay with the tour.
> They can be found floating
> above the ground at from 2" height to 15 Feet height, with
> identifiable mechanical characteristics within them,
Tom: So the Orbs have gone from simple lens reflections to
image projectors to mechanical devices?
Mike: You're expecting continuity from this guy?
> that
> are visible upon close inspection, which with stereo-
> optics,
Crow: In other words, a View-Master.
> we've been able to film with 35MM Cameras first,
> Kodak, Sony and now Panasonic High Resolution Megapixel
> CCD Cameras Second, and Sony and Arriflex Cinematic Video
> and Film Cameras,
Crow [as lilac]: This post is almost over? I'd better get
these product placements in!
Tom: Arriflex? Isn't that what happens when a pirate
works out?
[Mike and Crow groan.]
> without doing anything special but going
> to the Vortex during summer, winter, fall and spring,
Mike [as lilac]: ...on my girlfriend's birthday...strangely
enough, she broke up with me soon after.
> cold,
> hot, windy, dry, becalmed, sunny, dark, overcast, moonlight,
> freezing, mild and other weathers,
Tom: What other weathers? I think you've covered them all.
Mike: How about *flash floods?*
Tom: We said we were sorry, Mike.
Crow: Hey, we should be *encouraging* them to take photos
of those Orbs in floods. Remember the electrical
phenomenon he mentioned in 'Orb Triple Take?'
Tom: Oooh, I like the sound of that!
> and photograph not only
> consistently, but with great precision, and even, at this
> point, capture images PROJECTED BY THE ORBS.
Tom: JUST LIKE I'M PROJECTING MY VOICE!
Crow: Geez, keep it down, lilac! Some of us have to riff
in the morning!
>
> So, basically, as to your gripe: you're full of
> (censored)... Got it, dear?
Crow: Whoa, ho, *ho!* *Someone's* a bit defensive!
Tom [intellectual-type voice]: Ah, yes. It's the classic
"You're full of (censored)" conclusion, first used
by Stephen Douglas in the seminal Lincoln-Douglas
debates.
Mike [ditto]: Of course, its efficacy is limited, as
Lincoln proved with his now-famous retort: "I'm
rubber, you're glue. Anything you say bounces off
of me and sticks to you."
>
> Andy (TEAM ORB AVATAR)
Crow: So basically, this guy's interests are 'Star Trek' and
'Dungeons and Dragons.'
Mike: Yeah, I'd say so.
Tom: In that case, Mike, it looks like we've finally found
someone who has less of a life than you do.
Mike: Thanks...I think...
[continued in part 2]
---
Sarah "Bookworm" Heiner MSTie #53681
bookw...@my-deja.com Arizona State University
www.fortunecity.com/rivendell/elfin/521/index.html
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Share what you know. Learn what you don't.
bookw...@my-deja.com
bookw...@my-deja.com
Mike: --to the...Satellite...of...
[Pause.]
Mike: Ahem?
[Oh, sorry.]
[No problem.]
[Mads light starts flashing.]
[SOL]
[Castle]
[SOL]
[Castle]
[SOL]
[Castle]
[SOL]
[Lights, shaking, etc.]
[Doors]
> Forum: alt.startrek.creative
>
> Dear:
All: Oh, *there.*
All: The *what?*
> put some unusual absorbant
> spectometric
> equipment
All: Eeeewwww!
>
> Andy (TEAM ORB AVATAR)
>
>
> Forum: alt.religion
Mike: They got hit again? Poor folks...
> Subject:Orb beings want to know- why fight over human
> interpretation!
All: Because it's there!
> Date: 1999/07/14
> Author: My Home <li...@home.com>
Tom: This is not my beautiful home!
>
> FIRST A NOTICE FROM OUR SPONSORS:
Crow: Speaking of which...
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