MiSTing: Holodeck Series - part 5
Amanda Van Rhyn
the credits at the end of this sucker. Just a whole bunch of inside
jokes. Great meta-misting material, if you feel like it.]
[Several Aryan Mentos people later, we're back at the theater.]
> ------
> Katherine slunk down the hall. She had been home from Disney for around and about a day,
TOM: And a roundabout day it was.
> and she already had a new invention to blow away any doubt of her skills.
JOEL: Uh oh, Katherine's playing in God's domain again.
> It had currently been moved to her room, so she had to do the final touches there. Opening the > door slowly, she ducked inside the cover of her makeshift lab. Blip was waiting for her there.
> "It's right where you left it." Blip told Katherine. Katherine knelt on the floor, becide the >mashine, which resembled a tube of glass, dug a screwdriver out of a bag she left by her bed, >and started tweaking.
CROW: What, no explosion?
> Blip looked over her shoulder, watching her silently work. "Why do you do it?" he finaly >asked.
> Katherine stopped and turned tword him. "Do what?"
> "Build things." Blip asked, again. "It seems like an obsession of
yours, making and >tinkering. You've always got some 'project' you're
working on."
TOM: (Katherine) Well, I take pills for that now.
> Katherine sat for a minute. Why DID she do what she did? Truth be told, the HoloDeck and > Blip were around the only things she's ever made that really worked. Usualy what would >happen is that she'd start something, live through some explosion (EVERYTHING she did blew > up.)
JOEL: We knew that, fanfic. Tell me, though, why does she have to live
through all of them?!
> just to find that something goes terribly wrong, and she can't fix it, so it goes into a pile of >things in her lab that she uses for 'spare parts'. It was a horribly frustrating experience, and she'd > always be in this down mood for a few days after. "Now that I think about it," she started, "I >have no idea. I guess it's just sort of a habit."
> "Yeah," thought Blip, "That's really all you ever have known, now that I think about it." He > rembered briefly that when she was little, she'd even give up chances at being outside with >other little kids to work on her inventions.
CROW: Gee... tinkering all day, building robot companions, and working
on projects to the sacrifice of all social life. Sound like anyone we
know?
JOEL: Be quiet, you. Remember, I'm the one who controls the RAMchips.
> But he quickly shook the memory away, and continued to watch.
> A smile appeared on Katherine's face as she worked. "Hey, this just might be OK!" she >exclaimed.
> "What might work?" a voice behind her asked. Katherine jumped, and a spark flew up from > her work. She spun around quickly.
> "What the- Susan?" Katherine nearly choked. How'd she get in there?
> "Hey, the door was open." Susan answered, nearly reading Katherine's mind. "So, what's this > thing?"
TOM: (Katherine) Oh, nothing much. Just a suicide machine.
> "It's something I've been working on." replied Katherine.
CROW: This has been a message from Captain Obvious.
> "I think it'l work. If you'd be so kind as to tell Jenna and Karr to push mover, the computer's on > my bed ready to go."
> Susan turned to the computer, started creatures, and told Katherine's test subjects to 'push >mover'. Jenna, as if she was a trained lab rat,
JOEL: Nope, she's a norn. Pinky and the Brain demanded time-and-a-half
for wearing the norn suits, so they were forced to go with the real
thing.
> lead Karr over to the Albian HoloDeck in the garden and did as she was told. They were >beamed to Albia.
TOM: ... with a slight detour on Earth, I see.
> "Great!" Katherine exclaimed, then took Karr off the HoloDeck. She then fitted the glass >tube-like thing over Jenna and the 'deck. "See this?" she asked.
> Blip and Susan nodded. "This is an attatchment to the HoloDeck. It should allow a norn to >speak near-perfect english!"
CROW: Yay! More exciting Deus ex Machina action!
> Without a second thought, she leaned over and pushed the button that usualy transfers >whatever is on the HoloDeck to Albia. This time however, actual letters seemed to appear in >the tube. There was a light humming, and then the contrraption shut off. Katherine slipped the > tube off of the 'Deck, and looked at Jenna. "'You alright?" she asked.
> "I'M ALIVE!" Jenna shouted. "I didn't explode! I'm not some sort of muntant!"
JOEL: (Katherine) Oh, just wait a bit. Hehehehe...
> "Well," Katherine responded, "Thank you for your confedence in my abilities."
> "And I know ALL your names!" Jenna prattled again. "You're Susan, and you're Blip, even >though I have yet to figure out WHAT you are, an' you're Katherine... And... you're Karr, my >son.." Jenna ran up to him and gave him a real hug, instead of one of those weird 'tickles' norns > give.
CROW: This fanfic's saccharine levels have been known to cause cancer
in laboratory animals.
> Karr was totaly confused. "Pull norn" he blanky replied.
> "Oh..." Jenna pulled back, "That's right. Katherine, can you please, please put him in there?"
> Katherine smiled, pleased with that bit of gengenering Jenna had done at birth.
TOM: Wow, Jenna's a Renaissance norn now. Mother, rescuer, lab animal,
and genetic engineer!
> "He was my next patient." She gave Jenna a scritch, then picked up Karr, set him on the >HoloDeck, and placed the tube over him. At first, every thing seemed normal. But then there >was a blinding flash of light, and Karr was gone.
> "What happened?" Susan turned to Katherine.
JOEL: (Katherine) Well, I sorta converted him into pure energy, like in
that one episode of _Star Trek_.
> "Oh gosh!" Katherine gasped, "I- I have no idea. Wait, maybe..." Katherine found her screw > driver and began tweaking a box attached to the tube. "If I just switch these two, then, if >someone will push that button for me..." Jenna pushed the button for Katherine. Just then, Karr > appeared back in Katherine's room, along with an Ettin.
CROW: Yay! A two-headed dragon to eat them all!
> But this Ettin, unlike the bright maroon ones you download off of online, was an actual white.
> "Bean wasn't kidding when she said she'd fix those sprites." remarked Blip.
TOM: (Bean) Come back here, Tinkerbell! I'll fix you!!!!
> The Ettin, who oboisly hadn't noticed where she was, threw up her arms. "Ha! My name is >Ellen, decendent of the great Nitte! I have you right where I want you! You will now feel real >live pain, Karr!" She laughed.
> "This is like a bad episode of Grenorn." Susan mused.
> Katherine elbowed her in the ribs. "There is no such thing!"
JOEL: Of course. Of the *one* conversation in this fanfic they have to
go back to, it *has* to be the pitiful lucid-Grenorn one.
> The ettin then took a good look around. "You mean I'm not in Grenorn?"
> Blip floated closer. "No, this is HoloDeck. You know, the story about a smart but socialy >unaware girl, her robotic helper and her sarcastic friend who get into big trouble but somehow > always come out on top."
TOM: And this is... ?
CROW: Mystery Science Theater 3000. You know, the show about a smart
but socially unaware temp, his sarcastic robot friends, a quasi-evil mad
scientist, and his hapless assistant. We always get in big trouble, but
it always ends up that we just have to go back to this theater and riff
something bad.
> Ellen looked confused. "I must've taken a wrong turn at 'C2 explanation. So, this isn't the >real Karr?"
> "No, he's named in honor of the Grenorn series." Jenna explained. "You're not going to hurt > him, are you?"
JOEL: (Ellen) Oh, yes, I'm going to hurt him. But there'll be a slight
service charge for having to do a house call in an otherwise pointless
fanfic.
> "No..." Ellenslyly seemed to laugh at the group. "Not unless I could have a replacement..."
> Katherine stepped forward. "Take me."
> Ellen took a few steps tword Katherine. "You'd do that for a creation of yours?"
> Blip flew over to Katherine. "Now you wait just a second, " He sputtered, "You think about > this..."
> Katherine pushed Blip aside. "I already thought about it. Please, don't touch Karr. Hurt me >instead."
TOM: (Katherine) No, on second thought, don't... AAAAAAAHHHH! OH, it
hurts!! (Al Jolson) Mammy!
> Ellen looked almost amused. "I admire your bravery. I don't think I'll go so hard on you for >that."
CROW: (Ellen) On second thought, I *will* go harder on you. You're just
*such* a ninny.
> Then she paused. "Wait a second. I keep up with this series. Katherine, you were a norn once >right?"
> Katherine looked puzzled. "Yeah... as much a norn as possible..."
> Ellen grinned. Then she raised her hands above her head and recited:
> "Grendel's Cauldren, Grendel's brew
> These are the words I say to you
> Norn you were once, norn you are again,
> Standing there with your dumb nornish grin!"
JOEL: You know, it was the strength of this performance that caused
Ellen to get the part of the Second Witch in the latest Broadway run of
_Macbeth_.
> A puff of smoke filled the room. When it cleared, Ellen was gone. Standing in Katherine's >place was the norn she had once been changed into, the one with the fox head, and the purple >mountian everything else.
TOM: Wow, she looks like Nell Fenwick now!
> "Katherine," Susan asked, "Are you OK?"
> Katherine looked at Susan. Then she shocked the whole room. "look hand" she answered.
> "She sounds like I used too." Karr answered.
> Jenna looked over tword Karr. "My gosh, she's not totaly nuts after all..."
CROW: (Karr) Oh, don't worry, she's still very nuts. She just got
lucky.
> "But the fact remains, Ellen did a job on Katherine. Let me look you over.." Blip hovered >closer to Katherine. Standing here was his inventor, his partner, who had now been changed to > a... well, dumbfounded norn. It was more than he could bear. He flew back.
JOEL: Now that we're on this highly charged topic... guys, what would
you do if I was turned into a norn?
CROW: Weeeellll...
JOEL: Let me rephrase that. Would you get domestic or imported beer for
the keggers?
TOM: Oh, imported, of course.
JOEL: Good. I've taught you right after all.
> "'You OK?" Karr asked.
> Blip shook himself "Just fine. But what are we going to do about this?"
> "Wait a minute." Jenna lit up. "I've watched Katherine spend many a night on the internet, >on this 'newsgroup' thing. Could we find an answer there?"
CROW: (Susan) No... but we could always get lamely flamed!
> "My gosh, we could try!" Blip sputtered, flying over to the computer. "Katherine's screen >name is Bean 118, and I know her password..."
> Susan was reluctant. "We'll get our buts flamed for this."
JOEL: (Blip) Get used to it. "Hello, how are you?" gets flamed on the
鮮et.
> "But we have to do something!" Blip replied. "Are you going to let her just stand here, being > a simple norn?"
> "I resent that." Karr answered.
TOM: Oooh... the norns are gettin' uppity, time for more beatin's.
> Blip turned to Karr. "I wasn't refering to you. Well, are we going to try?"
> Susan wasn't going to argue. She saw a sort of determanation in Blip that was never really >there before. "I'll type." she replied. And so they sighned on...
> ------
CROW: Oh, boy, what a chilling cliffhanger conclusion *that* was. Will
they get killfiled? Or won't they?
JOEL: I bet I can finish the fanfic at this point. They log on to
alt.games.creatures, get flamed for being idiots, but get one or two
responses saying 践ey, that'd make a cool fanfic!' In desperation they
decide to put Katherine out to pasture in Albia. She has five children
before dying of a glycotoxin overdose. And the peasants rejoiced. The
end.
TOM: Yay. Let's blow this hotdog stand, fellow riffsketeers.
(J&TB exit theater)
(Scene: SoL. Tom and Crow are loitering. Joel enters, carrying a bowl
of RAMchips.)
JOEL: Well, in honor of a particularly rancid story today, I've decided
to bring out some RAMchips.
TOM: Woohoo!
CROW: Wait, do we have to do that thing where...
JOEL: Of course. Both of you need to give me one good thing and one bad
thing about today's piece of fanfic. Think hard... OK, Tom, would you
like to start?
TOM: Sure! Well, the good thing about the fanfic was that the phrase
践oloDeck' actually had nothing to do with the device! No evil _Star
Trek_ crossover! And the bad thing... there were so many explosions in
this post that the little part of me that enjoyed seeing things go
腺oom' has been trampled on and destroyed forever.
JOEL: Good. Here's a RAMchip. (He hands Tom a RAMchip. Tom munches on
it happily.) Crow?
CROW: Well, Joel, the good part of this fanfic is that it only
eradicated a tiny part of my fragile soul and only left me the eensiest
bit bitter and cynical for life. The bad thing is that I was forced to
waste my flaming hair haiku on this miserable excuse for fiction.
JOEL: Nicely done. I'm sure you'll write another haiku on the subject
on burning things. Meanwhile, here's your RAMchip. (He hands Crow a
RAMchip. Crow wolfs it down.)
CROW: Yummy. Thanks, Joel!
JOEL: Any time. I gotta put these back; just amuse yourselves for a few
minutes. (Joel exits carrying the bowl of RAMchips.)
TOM: Hmm... now that we're beginning to analyze the fanfic, there's
something that's been bugging me...
CROW: Mmm?
TOM: Well, you did that riff about Tom Bombadil and Goldberry being
sprites. I'm pretty sure that's wrong. In fact, I found some evidence
supporting the theory that Tom was actually the Witch-King of Angmar in
disguise...
CROW: Oh, please, you've gotta be kidding me. It's been recorded that
Tom was meant as an enigma, so why couldn't he be a sprite??
TOM: Well, lemme see here...
(The Mads' light begins to blink.)
TOM: Never mind, it's the Mads. You get the light, you're the one with
the functioning arms.
(Crow gets the light. Deep 13 comes up on the viewscreen. Dr. F is
there, looking even more peeved than usual. Frank is nowhere to be
found, but Ellen, the Ettin from today's fanfic, is standing behind Dr.
F.)
DR. F: Why, look. It's Frito Bugger and Spam Gangrene. Get your
humanoid over here, won't you, boys?
(Back on the SoL, Crow and Tom give each other looks.)
CROW: Frito Bugger? He must be almost out of nicknames.
TOM: Enh...
(They run offstage, screaming 遷OEL!!'. A few seconds later, they
reenter with Joel.)
JOEL: OK, Dr. F, what's up, and what's with the lame nicknames?
(Deep 13)
DR. F: Oh, the nicknames? Just a little sudden impulse, ya know. But
what's up? Weeelll... this stupid what-you-call-it...
ELLEN: I'm a bloody *Ettin*! Wahahahaha! And I will destroy you and
this entire silly world!!! Prepare to feel real live pain!!!
DR. F: Yeah, yeah, whatever you say. Anyway, this critter just showed
up and turned Frank into a whatcha... oh, yeah, norn.
FRANK: (Nornish voice, offstage) Run hand! Run!
DR. F: He's being a royal pain, running around crashing into things and
speaking in fragments. You eembeciles read the fanfic with all these
things today; tell me, what am I supposed to do with him??
(SoL. J&TB are trying really hard not to snicker. It's only sorta
working.)
JOEL: Well... you could always write to the Creatures newsgroup asking
for help.
(Deep 13. Ellen is gone, but Dr. F still looks perturbed.)
DR. F: Shyeah. When's the last time anyone got anything constructive
from a newsgroup?
(SoL)
CROW: Well... in that case, there's always the beating stick.
(Deep 13. Dr. F is grinning.)
DR. F: Of course! What a perfectly evil-genius thing to do! (He gets
the portable beating stick from the Invention Exchange and extends it
out.) Ohhhh, Frank... ohhhh, Ellen...
(Dr. F runs offscreen. We begin to hear beating noises and yelps.)
ELLEN: (offscreen) You can't do this! I'm an Ettin! I will destroy you!
Owie!
FRANK: (still Nornish, offscreen) Ow! Ow! Frank get no!
DR. F: (cackling, offscreen) Oh yeah, get no, you little... wait! Frank
push button!
FRANK: (Nornish, still offscreen) Frank push button! Run hand!
(Frank pushes the button.)
[VOOOOOOOOP]
(Love Theme plays over the closing credits. In the background, we can
still hear faint beating noises.)
MiSTing - "The HoloDeck Series"
Series by Bean, MiSTing by A. Van Rhyn
MST3K Concept created by Joel Hodgson
Additional Meaningless Credits:
Lighting: Chuck Spanner
Costuming: Patsy Button
Hair: Crow of Beverly Hills
Gaffer: Ranugand Galpsi
Assistants to Gaffer:
Shack Dye, Walter Simmons
Best Boy: Annabelle Gwedivere
Assistants to Best Boy:
Aiden Bushwhack, Alec Trams
Beating Stick Engineer:
Austi
JellO Wrangler:
G. Tomasin, I.M.P.
Creativity Leech: B. Gormley
Grigori: Penemue
Assistant to Grigori: St. Mark of the Perpetual Psychology
Special Arthropod Consultant: Rasputin
MiSTer's Gofer: Gollum the Radioactive Nuclear Holocaust Boy
Great and All-Powerful Credit Engineer:
~~~> *Kalimac the Wise One* <~~~
Assistant Credit Engineer and Altoid Gofer:
-> Sid the Admittedly Less Wise One, S.N.A.D.D. <-
MiSTer's Wardrobe by Thingsville.
Inspiration:
Annakie & NummySampoCocolLlama
The Unimitatable Austi
Parrot Boy
A Horde of Ravenous Llamas
Jeeeeeeeeed the Evil One
Waffles Johnson
Mortimer, Dave, FotED and FotHD.
Special thanks to Lord Rat.
Keep circulating the text files!
[DISCLAIMER: "Mystery Science Theater 3000" and all characters,
settings, or anything else thereof are (C) Best Brains. All rights
reserved. Please don't sue me for copyright infringement, as this isn't
meant as such, and I have nothing worth suing for anyway. No offense
meant to any real people mentioned in this MiSTing or in the credits
following. All characters, places, and situations mentioned in the
riffing, and presumably all the text riffed, and a good chunk of the
credits, are either fictional or used fictitiously. Any similarity to
reality is coincidental.]
> "NO! Creatures is good! Creatures is PEOPLE! Creatures is PEOPLE!"
[Yup, this is it. Send me C&C, please. Don't mind the awful formatting.
Please tip your servers. Goodnight.]
Amanda -
not having a witty .sig file is my idea of nonconformity...