[MSTing] The Two Faces of Xtian Kookery
Freezer
Poke-Problems" article. (Readers of Something Awful might recognize
it from the web page that brought us the "Forgiveness" RPG
<http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=1661>.) But then along
came this wonderfully Out-of-Left-Field piece of lunacy copied from
what I assumed was a chat session that made its way onto
alt.fan.harry-potter. "Harry Potter as Christian Allegory?" Mmm...
Smell the bot fodder!
Things get a little more nitpicky and mocking than I usually like to
be towards the end, but I still think it's worth the time to read.
Hopefully, you will too.
And on with the disclaimers:
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and all related characters are the
property of Best Brains, Inc. "Digi-Dilemas and Poke-Problems!" is
property of Breakthrough Gaming Inc. "Is Harry Potter Demonic?" is
property... I have absolutely no clue.
And as always, comments/C&C/flames/death threats can be directed to
mysterysci...@yahoo.com
WARNING: This MSTing contains riffs referring to, inspired by, and/or
ripped off from "Jeopardy!","Wayne's World",Spike Jones ,"The Eye of
Argon", "Duck Soup",and "The Fantastic Four." >>
[[ Season 3 theme song. Sing along! You know the words! ]]
[We open with Joel and Tom Servo (wearing his bookkeeper's visor) at
the Satellite of Love's desk, sifting through stacks of papers.
Document storage boxes can be seen in the background]
TOM: Okay, I don't remember this one here at all...
JOEL: [Glances over] Oh, that was when your head exploded when Goku
started giving Fat Buu a rimjob.
TOM: Oy... Thank Heaven for small favors!
[Enter Crow to the foreground]
CROW: Howdy, folks! Crow T. Robot here! Behind me are Joel Robinson
and Tom Servo <whispering> Joel's the big one! <normally> And
what we've got here is a bit of a problem. Seems that the FCC
somehow got us on their "Obscene and must be stopped" list.
They've threatened us with fines, censorship, jail time... I
think pink bellies were in there somewhere...
TOM: Well I don't see why *I'm* the one who has to help Joel with
this. I mean they cited something called the "Crow Syndrome"
like a thousand times in their notices!
CROW: Because you're the one with the attention span, remember?
JOEL: Okay, I think I got this "Crow Syndrome" thing figured out.
Apparently whenever Crow says something off-color and we jump on
him for it, that's an incidence of "The Crow Syndrome."
TOM: So, wait... You're saying that the FCC isn't cracking down on
this textual excrement we've been forced to read, nor are they
jumping on the nastier things we've ALL said in response, but
_some_ of the stuff Crow's said... And THEN only when it's
highlighted by us chastising him for it?
JOEL: That's about the size of it, yes.
TOM: So we can safely say that this is all Crow's fault!
CROW: HEY!
JOEL: We'll sort this whole thing out in a second... We'll be right
back. <Hits Commercial Sign button>
[[ COMMERCIALS: FedEx Ground: Use it or you're DOOMED! (DOOMED!)
Drakkengard: Death from above, chaos below, sweet
cream filling in the middle. ]]
[We come back to a close up of Tom]
TOM: Hi, folks! Turns out, the guys over at the FCC were actually
quite reasonable. Once we enlightened them to the fact that
they really didn't have any authority over us, seeing as how we
don't control what goes out from here at all and what does go
out is on cable and the internet; they agreed to back off as
long as we did one simple thing...
[Pan right to Crow, who's strapped into a large leather muzzle.]
CROW: [translated from "Muffled"] I'm calling Amnesty International!
JOEL: Mumble at us later, Crow. John Ashcroft and Michael Powell are
calling.
[Switch over to Deep 13; Standard shot of Dr. Forrester and TVs
Frank]
DR.F: Frankly I don't get what the big deal is about "wardrobe
malfunctions". I've been standing next to a big boob for years
with nary a peep
FRANK: HEY!
DR.F: Anyway, Joel, let's hop right into today's Invention Exchange.
Ours takes inspiration from the weary motel traveler.
Specifically how to make a hard trip that much harder! Lead it
off, Frank!
FRANK: First; we have that old cheap motel standby: The vibrating
mattress. [Pan behind Frank to reveal an ordinary Full-sized
bed] Our twist - you have to pay to make it stop! About twenty
bucks will get you through the night.
DR.F: No refunds, of course.
FRANK: And then we have this innocent looking phone. [reaches off
screen and pulls out a standard motel model phone] What our
weary traveler doesn't know that the keys have been connected to
a random number generator that gives his call about a 16 million
-in-1 chance of actually connecting to the number he punched in!
DR.F: And just for giggles, every tenth call is long distance.
_International_ long distance! And here's my personal favorite!
[Pulls out a Cable Box with a credit card slider and a bill-
accepter attached] Five bucks gives you standard cable for the
night. And if you want, say, more "adult" fare... [Taps the
credit card slider] $5.00 for the first three minutes, $.50
each additional minute!
FRANK: Rounded up to the nearest minute, of course! Neat, huh?
[SOL]
CROW: Actually, that per minute thing isn't that bad an idea. Why
pay for an hour and a half of movie if you're only going to
*AHEM*
use five or ten minutes?
TOM: First of all - Ew! Second, how'd you get that muzzle off?
CROW: Expedited appeal. I know people who know people.
JOEL: Well, sirs; our invention started out as a collectable card
game like Magic: The Gathering or Yu-Gi-Oh. But once we started
putting it together we thought it would be more fun and
educational as a full RPG.
TOM: Gentlemen - we give you: CONGRESS: THE GATHERING!
CROW: And for the record: Joel thought it would be more educational
as an RPG. Me and Tom thought there'd be more opportunities for
good old fashioned backstabbing!
JOEL: You can choose from six different alignment types: Democrat,
Republican, and Independent and Conservative, Liberal, and
Centrist.
TOM: And then you cut a swath through the realm of "DeeCee" as any
one of 50 classes from the lowliest Intern to the most powerful
Justice.
CROW: Or enter the wild world of state government with our
California, Texas, or Florida expansion packs!
JOEL: What do you think?
[D13]
DR.F: Hmm... 47 more potential expansion packs...
FRANK: Don't forget Puerto Rico!
DR.F: Yes! Yes! And maybe NATO! The U.N.! I'm smelling goldmine!
I'm glad I though of this!
[SOL]
ALL: HEY!
[D13]
DR.F: Oh, button it, Lab Rats! And get ready for the experiment.
Show 'em the itinerary, Frank!
FRANK: Our first stop is in the land of Satan Is Everywhere, where
we'll visit "Digi-Dilemas and Poke-Problems!" And we'll wrap
up our trip with a visit to the opposite end of the spectrum and
"Is Harry Potter Demonic?" <whispering> The answer's "no."
DR.F: Have a nice trip! And don't drink the water!
[SOL]
ALL: WE GOT KOOK SIGN!!
[All scurry off]
[ 1 ]...[ 2 ]...[ 3 ]...[ 4 ]...[ 5 ]...[ 6 ]...[ * ]
[Joel and The Bots take their seats]
> Digi-Dilemas and Poke-Problems! Article
JOEL: Sounds more like an episode of "South Park."
> Satan, Psychics, Devils, and Demons.
TOM: "The True Story of the XFL."
CROW: BA DUM BUM TSHHH!
> Ten years ago, most would never
> expect these kinds of things on weekday and weekend television, but
> it is.
JOEL: You just described Friday's on "Disney Afternoon..."
> Welcome to the World of Pokemon and the Digimon World.
TOM: Subsidiaries of World Inc. International.
> These
> two "crazes" are the biggest things to come around since Ninja
> Turtles.
CROW: If you ignore Magic: The Gathering.
> Many gamers are into these cartoons. What are the details
> about these animes? Read on!
ALL: MAKE US!
> First, lets look at Digimon.
TOM: Ah-heh! Can I look at Angewomon? R-r-r-rowl!!!
> Digimon (short for Digital Monsters),
> started as a key chain collection,
JOEL: If by "key chain" you mean, "shameless ripoff of Tamagochi" then
sure!
> but grew into anime toons and
CROW: "Anime toons?" Redundant, much?
TOM: That's probably going REALLY get on our nerves after a while.
> other trinkets. The television show is about kids called on to be the
> "digidestined". They have adventures,
JOEL: And, if certain fanfics are to be believed, orgies.
> with their Digimon companions,
CROW: Them, too.
TOM: Eww...
> trying to keep the world safe from "evil" Digimon. The Digimon can,
> also, "digivolve" into bigger monsters and have even more power than
> before.
TOM: Quick FYI: The more useless a Digimon's Rookie form, the more
badass its Champion form will be...
CROW: <SNORT!> Fanbot...
> As I watched the show, it was very entertaining and it sort
> of appealed to me.
JOEL: [Author] It made me feel all funny!
> Each of the characters had a different
> personallity that could fit each viewer.
TOM: All seven of them, apparently...
> In the first part of the
> series, (season one), the first thing that made me have bad thoughts
> about Digimon was the appearance of
CROW: [Author] Kari. That little girl gave me the creeps!
> an "evil" Digimon called
JOEL: "Englishdubmon!"
> "Devimon".
JOEL: Oh.
. This made me think "hey, that sounds a lot like the word
> devil, just without the 'l'."
TOM: I'll take "Well, DUH!" for $600, Alex!
> It made me feel bad and mad until
CROW: [Author] I refilled my prescription!
> one
> of the digidestined's Digimon, "Angemon" destroyed this evil Digimon.
> "Hey, that's nice," I thought, "Angel defeated the Devil, thats a
> pretty good message."
TOM: [Author] Heaven rules! Wooo!
> I thought that was the end of the demons/devils
> in the show, but, man, was I wrong.
JOEL: [Author] And stupid, ugly, and a bad kisser. But I digress...
> Later in the first season, the
> digidestined had to now fight another evil Digimon, "Myotismon".
ALL: Dun dun DUUUUN!
> Myotismon wasn't THAT offensive
JOEL: For pure evil...
> (but it could've been better), but
> his cohorts "Demidevimon" and "Wizardmon" were. Wizardmon even became
> friends with the digidestined!
TOM: What?!? That bastard!
> Check out Deuteronomy 18:10-13 in the
> Bible,
CROW: As opposed to Deuteronomy 18:10-13 in The Necronomicon?
> "Let no one be found among you...who practices divination or
> sorcery...casts spells...or who consults the dead." The show is
> giving the message that wizards are your friends, NOT!
JOEL: Garth Agar, NO!
TOM: Does that mean we have to renounce Mr. Wizard?
CROW: So Digimon that look like wizards are verboten, but fire-
breathing T-Rexes, giant electric bugs, and bat-winged ham-hams
are okay? Check!
> All three of
> these Digimon ended up being destroyed in the show. Again, I thought
> the demons were gone, so I continued to watch.
CROW: Masochistic little evangelist, aren't you?
> As the second season
> started, It wasn't as bad as the first. New digidestined and Digimon
> were introduced and it had a pretty good story to start with. Then it
> happened again.
TOM: [Author] The voices... They returned... QUIT TORMENTING
MEEEEE!!!
> There was talk about the mythical gods who were in
> Japan and then the new character "Ken"
JOEL: Of the Osaka "Kens."
> talked about the new evil
> Digimon using "dark/black magic". All magic is bad!
CROW: [Dana Carvey as George Bush] It's bad! It's bad!
> Check out
> Revelation 22:14-15 in the Bible.
TOM: Okay, then... Firing up the ol' database...<Vibrates in place>
*AHEM*
" Blessed are they that do his commandments, that they may have
right to the tree of life, and may enter in through the gates
into the city.
For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and
murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a
lie."
JOEL: Okay, we get it! Magic - BAD!
> The show kept getting worst.
CROW: Uh... Anybody got anything for that one?
TOM: Nope.
JOEL: Sorry.
CROW: <sigh> What a waste...
> In
the
> late episodes, all the devil and demon Digimon wreaked havoc in
> Japan. One of them was even called "Skullsatamon" (notice the suttle
> word "satan" in this Digimon's name?).
TOM: "Subtle," even.
CROW: That's subtle? What does this guy think would be "blatant?"
JOEL: "WePraiseYouLordSatanmon?"
> All the digidestined ended up
> stopping them, but one, Cody, was crying. When asked what was wrong,
> he replied "I didn't want to kill an innocent Digimon!" This is sort
> of wierd and it gives the message that demons and devils are
> innocent. WRONG!
JOEL: You are WRONG, Digibreath!
TOM: ...Because he was talking about the dark spore-possessed Digimon,
_NOT_ DeviDemiMooreMon.
> Read Proverbs 3:5-6 in the Bible, "Trust in the Lord
> with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all
> your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."
CROW: And this connects to being sad for taking out otherwise innocent
sentient beings how?
TOM: They were touched by magic. Therefore evil. Duh!
> I knew I would stop watching the show after I heard that, but I did
see
> the last episode for the 2nd season. All the kids grow up and their
> Digimon stay on Earth and help the people on it.
JOEL: [Author] Happy endings are The Devil's work!
> One of the last
> things they say is that the "darkness will never go away". This is
> wrong because when Jesus returns there will be no darkness anymore!
CROW: Not even at midnight?
JOEL: Cross "Star-gazing" off the list of things to do after the Second
Coming, I guess...
> "There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp
> or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And
> they will reign for ever and ever." (Revelation 22:5)
TOM: "You are reading way too much into this." (Servo 1:1)
> Now, Pokemon (short for pocket monsters) is a show about a boy named
> Ash.
CROW: A boy with talent and courage to spare... And the common sense of
a two-by-four.
> He wants to travel around the world (World of Pokemon) to
> complete his final goal, to be a Pokemon Master. To complete this
> task, Ash has to use the first Pokemon he got (Pikachu) to capture
> other Pokemon in devices called "Pokeballs". He must train them to
> fight and then he can fight other trainers that are around to test
> his Pokemon.
JOEL: "Things Anybody With a Pre-Pubescent Kid Will Know Already,"
for $1000, Alex!
CROW: So... Getting to the "Why it's evil" part anytime soon?
> The big thing to do is challenge local gym leaders in
> each town to earn a badge. As the show progresses, Ash cataches new
> Pokemon, meets new friends, learns about new Pokemon,
TOM: Tries to survive his own stupidity...
CROW: Ash-flavored Haterade - try some today!
> and has to
> avoid Team Rocket, who always tries to steal Pikachu away. In each
> season, Ash competes in a different "league" with new adventures and
> friends. Most would label Pokemon as a "kid show",
JOEL: Because it is?
CROW: Let's not jump to conclusions...
> but there are
some
> things that can mess up a child's mind.
CROW: I know. That's half the fun!
TOM: He's gonna go off on the Psychic and Ghost types. I just know
it!
> Pokemon features many harsh
> battles. Most teenagers and adults can look at the violence in
> Pokemon and not be affected, but children will more than likely
> emulate the violence of Pokemon in real life.
JOEL: They're gonna throw fireballs and lightning bolts at each other?
CROW: Cool!
> The little children are
> just growing up and they don't know any better; young children are
> like sponges, they suck up anything in their path.
TOM: Um... Dude, that's a "vacuum," not a "sponge."
CROW: [Stadium Vendor] Mixed metaphors! Getcher hot mixed metaphors,
here!
> Anyway, in the
> show, each Pokemon has a different class or type. Psychic, Ghost,
> and Dark type Pokemon are the real questionable part of the show.
TOM: What did I tell you?
JOEL: Wasn't a hard thing to guess, Tom.
> Each of these type Pokemon do evil things like do curses, make
> nightmares, hypnotise, and even shoot psychic beams at other Pokemon.
> A few people Ash and his friends encountered, were psychics!
CROW: [Author] PSYCHICS, I TELL YOU!
> Read
> Leviticus 19:27 in the Bible, "A man or woman who is a medium or
> spiritist among you must be put to death. You are to stone them;
> their blood will be on their own heads."
TOM: Of course, the New Testament tells you _not_ to do that stuff,
but don't let that stop your ranting...
> Another point is Team
> Rocket.
JOEL: What? Meowth is Satan's mouthpiece?
CROW: That would explain a bit, actually...
> Whenever they introduce themselves, most of the time their
> clothes are switched (ie. James wears a dress and Jessie wears a
> men-style suit).
CROW: It's called "disguising yourself," Jesus Freak. They tended to
do that.
TOM: Umm... Didn't James only do the cross-dressing thing three or
four times? And _always_ for comic relief?
JOEL: And once again, we care more about accuracy than the writer does.
Sad, really.
> Check out 1 Corinthians 6:13 in the Bible,
TOM: Why? You're just going to quote it for us.
> "....Th
e
> body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the
> Lord for the body."
CROW: Hate to burst your moral bubble, bubby, but for the majority,
cross-dressing has nothing to do with sexuality and everything to
do with being comfortable.
TOM: Two minute minor for theft of shtick, Crow!
> Also, movies based on Pokemon had weird themes,
> too.
JOEL: Like "Pokemon: That Big Assed Pokemon We Stand A Snowball's
Chance Of Catching."
> "Pokemon: the First Movie" was about the two "most powerful
> Pokemon", Mew and Mewtwo. Mewtwo, was created from some DNA of Mew,
> and then Mewtwo tried to get revenge by taking control and cloning
> Pokemon. The movie was cool looking, but of course, Mew and Mewtwo
> were psychic Pokemon.
TOM: So being a cloned ball of purplish-grey hatred is okay, just as
long as no psychic powers are involved? Good to know!
> "Pokemon: the Movie 2000" was the next movie,
> which was about this one guy trying to catch all the "legendary
bird"
> Pokemon. It was said that if someone did this task, Lugia, a psychic
> water Pokemon, would appear.
TOM: Er... If someone *awoke* the first three, Lugia would appear to
set things right. Try and keep up.
CROW: Awfully nitpicky today, Tommy.
TOM: Well if he's gonna whine about how evil and un-Christian
everything is, he should at least get the details right, by
cracky!
> In Japan, the movie was called
> "Revelation: Lugia" and each of the legendary birds were known as
> "Gods", which is totally messed up!
JOEL: [Stoner voice] Like, totally, dude!
> Remember, "You shall have no
> other gods before me." (Exodus 19:3)
TOM: "Do not worship giant Pokemon!" Got it!
> And finally, the newest movie,
> "Pokemon 3", has one of the feature titled "Spell of the Unown". That
> one just explains itself.
CROW: <Snicker!> No it doesn't!
> Now here is the kicker, what do you do?
TOM: Have a nice tall glass of "Calm the F*ck Down?"
> First off, lets put away the
> hype, the cool animations, and our own personal thoughts and look at
> what we have.
JOEL: "The Smurfs."
BOTS: D'OH!
> One show is about kids with Digimon that fight evil
> Digimon. Some of the evil Digimon have names like Devimon,
> Ladydevimon, Skullsatamon, and even Daemon.
TOM: But they're BAD GUYS! Why should that even MATTER?!?
JOEL: Because he says so. Duh!
> Wizardmon even become a
> friend of the heros! In the other show, we have a boy wanting to
> become a Pokemon Master. Nice enough goal,
CROW: Going after semi-sentient, feeling creatures, fighting them until
they're too week to escape, then sealing them up in plastic balls
until it's time to use them... All fine Christian pursuits to be
sure!
> but what is he doing to
> get there?
CROW: See above...
> Interacting with psychics and their Pokemon, playing
> around with ghosts, and even interacting with devilishing looking
> dog-type Pokemon (I'm refering to "Houndour" and "Houndoom")
TOM: All evil! We get it! Move on, please!
> Some
> might be attracted to these because of the animation. I do like anime
> style cartoons,
JOEL: "Anime","Japanese animation", just plain "cartoons!" Pick one and
stick with it!
> but I need to find one with better messages.
CROW: [Author] Like that "InuYasha" I've heard so much about!
> I might
> even make one up myself someday.
TOM: Oh, may we live to see that day!
> The point now is to be careful what
> we put in our minds.
JOEL: For instance, putting railroad spikes in your head would be bad!
> I know most would never try to be psychic,
> hangout with demons and want to be evil, so why look at it?
CROW: At this point, just to spite _you._
> I had a
> bad feeling in my stomach with Digimon when the "deamon corps"
> appeared. It made me even sicker to hear a character on a TV show cry
> over killing a demon.
TOM: [Author] I felt worse than that time I clubbed those baby seals!
> I cringed when I saw a picture of Houndoom the
> first time; my first reaction was "what the heck is that?". And I
> prayed that the 3rd Pokemon movie wouldn't be called "Lord of the
> Unown Tower" (which is what it was in Japan).
JOEL: By your "logic," wouldn't that have been _better_ than "Spell of
the Unown?"
TOM: Of course not: "Lord" = Blasphemy!
> I don't want to go
> through all these changes just to be entertained. Some people don't
> get effected by seeing stuff like that, and that's great!
CROW: [Author] They'll all burn in Hell for their idolatry, of course!
> We need
> more people like that. But we shouldn't let the TV force us to
> comprimise our faith.
JOEL: You _have_ heard of this wonderful new concept called "changing
channels," right?
> "Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue
> righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on
> the Lord out of a pure heart." (2 Timothy 2:22)
TOM: Um... Connection?
CROW: "If it's fun, it must be wrong."
TOM: Ah!
> Sources God, for giving me the idea to write this
JOEL: [God] Oh sure! Blame me!
> The Bible
ALL: Of course!
> "Pokemon:
> is it just a game?"
ALL: Yes!
> VHS tape "Evangelizing Today's Child" Magazine
> http://www.cefinc.org Miscellaneous fansites for pictures (some might
> have come from Nintendo.com, digimon.com, and like sites)
CROW: Nice to see you give due credit...
[All leave]
[ 6 ]...[ 5 ]...[ 4 ]...[ 3 ]...[ 2 ]...[ 1 ]...[ * ]
[We return to the bridge to see Tom and Crow behind the desk.]
CROW: Okay, what about "Hamtaro"?
TOM: Please! Anything that cute has to be evil! How about "Astro
Boy?"
CROW: Nope... "Man plays God" thing. That and the distressingly
little pants.
TOM: Ew. Good point.
[Enter Joel]
JOEL: What are you up to, guys?
CROW: We were intrigued by the way the "Digi-Dilemmas" guy turned
damn near everything into some sort of assault on Christianity.
TOM: So we started trying to come up with titles that would stand up
to that kind of scrutiny. So far, nothing made in the last twenty
years stands up.
CROW: Basically, "Superbook", "The Flying House", and "Swiss Family
Robinson" were all we could come up with. And the first two were
givens.
JOEL: Well.. There has to be more than that... I know - what about
"Sailor Moon?"
TOM: Okay... Should we start with the open homosexuality or the fact
that "The Messiah" is a fourteen year-old girl?
JOEL: Okay... Well, what about Dragonball? Good always triumphs over
evil and stuff?
CROW: One - literally everyone on the show has been resurrected at
least once. Two - There's around a dozen regulars who are
_literally_ stronger than God.
TOM: Are you even trying?
JOEL: Alright, alright! How about... "SD Gundam?"
TOM: Zero uses magic.
JOEL: "Mon Collie Knights?"
CROW: The cards are magical.
JOEL: "Speed Racer!"
TOM: Spritle.
CROW: Chim-Chim.
BOTS: EVIL!
JOEL: "Adventures of Tom Sawyer?"
TOM: He's Bart Simpson in a straw hat.
JOEL: "Flint The Time Detective?"
CROW: Duh! He's a caveman! The whole "evolution" thing?
TOM: Ah, folks? It looks like Joel isn't going to let this drop.
We'll be back when he gets it out of his system...
JOEL: "Hamtaro!"
CROW: We did that one already!
[[ Commercial: Michelob Ultra: For that deep down body thirst! ]]
[Joel and the bots return to the theater]
JOEL: "Gigantor!"
TOM: Look, if we grant you "Gigantor" will you let it drop,
already!?!
> 50040314 vii om
JOEL: Did we just get somebody's email password?
> Is Harry Potter Demonic?
CROW: After reading "Order of the Phoenix," I can't rule out demonic
possession...
> "selina" <chen...@tm.net.my>:
> # Hi.
ALL: WAZAAAP!!!
> peace be with you, sister.
TOM: S'all good in the hood, yo!
> # I'm Selina and I have a question.
JOEL: [Selina] Why do hot dogs come in packs of ten, but hot dog buns
come in packs of eight?
> you've come to the right place, then.
CROW: [Host] We know all. And for $.99 a minute, you can too!
TOM: Operators are standing by!
> # I heard that Harry Potter story books/movies are demonic.
> # Is it true? Any [proof] or evidence?
JOEL: [Host] Would my copy of "Goblet of Fire" trying to consume my
soul count?
> malevolent archenemies have been terrestrial or fantastic,
> but I do not specifically remember demonic references, no.
CROW: Er... Run that back in English?
TOM: "The short answer is 'Of course not', but that doesn't sound
nearly as mystical and enlightened enough."
CROW: Ah! Got it!
> sometimes there are 'foul spirits' which scream and scare
> from the interior of a book in the 'Restricted' section
> (meaning that kids shouldn't be reading those),
JOEL: I ran across one of those books before: _Strom Thurmond's
Erotica_.
BOTS: EWW!!
> but other
> than a particularly resourceful alumnus of Hogwarts whose
> interest in surviving depends on his vampirism and black
> magic,
CROW: You mean Voldemort in Book One?
JOEL: Let's not jump to conclusions...
> his henchpeople and weapons are Terran. there has
> been little to no mention of 'infernal worlds' that I can
> recall,
TOM: If you don't count Casa Del Dursley, anyway...
> but I may be forgetting something and hope that I
> will be corrected, if so. my guess is that the cosmology
> accepted by Wizards (not presented that I've detected) is
> not Christian or following any rise and development of a
> God, the offspring of a God or gods, or their worship.
CROW: [Host] In fact, it seems to be based on the worship of fresh
produce.
> I would suggest that these origination notions are left out
> in order to make the story more approachable.
JOEL: I would suggest that J.K. Rowling would wonder what you were
smoking if mentioned that to her.
> where 'history
> of magic' is instructed, for example, probably evolution
> and biology would be important to understanding of early
> human magical activities -- e.g. shamanic, primitive,
> and neolithic archaeoastrology sites (like Stonehenge),
TOM: And crop circles, and spontaneous combustion, and Germany's
love for David Hasselhoff...
> but (European) recent history is what is usually discussed.
>
> the curriculum may therefore be considered "demonic" if
> by this you also imply instructing other than biblical
> realities and authorities. specific references are made
> to traditional occultists (notably Nicolas Flamel, the
> alchemist),
TOM: "Traditional occultists?"
CROW: You know... Like "By-The-Book Wiccans..."
JOEL: "Old-Fashioned Pagans..."
> and there are pop-occult references interior
> to this last book's chapter-names: 'The Lion and the
> Serpent' (fairly conclusively Crowleyan).
CROW: Hey! I had nothing to do with this!
> the latter's
> works are considered at least de facto Satanist, this
> mention being Neognostic, so there are minor symptoms of
> exposure to that which you might call 'the demonic' (e.g.
> sorcery, witchcraft, divination, primarily wand-based).
TOM: Anybody catch _any_ of that?
JOEL: Nope...
CROW: Lost me after "considered."
> of course a in cosmological sense, what derives from demons
> (what is properly "demonic") depends on how we think that
> the cosmos came about and what part demons had in it.
TOM: When I think demons, I think "tentacle rape." Is that wrong?
JOEL: Very. But we'll discuss that later.
> the Christians who believe apocrypha
JOEL: Wasn't that an old X-Men villain?
CROW: Yeah; I think she got killed off by the Legacy Virus...
> would say that the whole
> of the story is demonic in that it partakes of spells and
> wands and fantastical monsters and flora which do not in
> large exist physically as portrayed
TOM: As well as tooth fairies and Easter bunnies and cooking-making
elves...
CROW: o/~ Oh you never would believe where that Wicca babble comes
from! o/~
> (the mandragora being
> a singular example of this, another being the elves and
> giants, and another being a basilisk). instruction on the
> arts of magic is often associated with the 'Fallen angels'
CROW: Farrah Fawcett?
TOM: David Borenz?
JOEL: Christopher Daniels?
> (see Paul Huson's lovely "Mastering the Art of Witchcraft").
TOM: Pass, thanks.
CROW: Didn't our host actually answer the question a long time ago?
JOEL: Don't interrupt - she's _enlightening_ us!
> as with a good number of works intended for children, the
> puns abound and religious philosophy is absent, though
> references *are* made to magical secrets or mysteries,
TOM: Is she talking about Harry Potter or "Xanth?"
JOEL: Yes.
> and the whole rather predisposes the valuation of magic (the
> school is an educational facility for instruction of it).
TOM: And the whole rather predisposes me to say "What the hell are
you talking about?!?"
> as the series develops we may look forward to emancipation
> showcased as a virtue (in the removal of the slavery of the
> elves -- LONG LIVE S.P.E.W.!),
ALL: HAIL FREEDONIA!
> and a somewhat conventional
> showdown between the heroic boy-becoming-man and the long-
> lived nemesis of his family and kindred, possibly extending
> beyond the local region to other schools and localities.
CROW: So have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitalities.
JOEL: Y'all come back now, y'hear?
> it is, therefore, very easy to understand why some churches
> have *embraced* the series as instructive for Christians
> (see
TOM: "How to Turn a Fifteen-Word Answer Into A Three-Page Essay"
> "The Real Magic of Harry Potter" by Nancy Gibbs, in
> Time, June 23, 2003, coverstory "Why Harry Potter Rules")
CROW: POTTER RULES!
ALL: WOOOOO!!!
> wherein it is written about Christians who like Potter:
>
> The Catholic News Service, run by the American
> bishops,
TOM: Those who weren't under indictment at the time.
JOEL: ZING!
> puts the books on its recommended list
> for children. Ministers preach sermons likening
> Harry's running through the wall of Platform 9 3/4
> to a leap of faith.
CROW: [Author] We like to call that "Grasping At Straws."
TOM: It's not exactly a "leap of faith" if someone tells you exactly
what to do and then *SHOWS* you, is it?
> "We're missing something if
> we can't tell stories from the Bible as compelling
> as *Harry Potter*," says John Fleming, minister of
> First United Methodist in Henrietta, Texas.
JOEL: I'm missing something, because I don't understand why you'd
feel the need to try.
> Many
> have found embedded in the books all kinds of
> biblical imagery. "If you read these books care-
> fully, they are not only not evil, they are
> profound stories about good, and they are deeply
> religious,"
TOM: Er... If you say so...
> argues Baylor University philosophy
> professor Scott Moore, who started by reading the
> books to his kids and ended up staying up late to
> finish for himself.
>
> The climax of the second book, *Chamber of Secrets*,
> he asserts, works as pure Christian allegory.
CROW: [Prof. Moore] If you stand on your head, squint, and
run it through Babelfish on "English to Sanskrit."
> "It's
> the story of Harry fighting a serpent and overcoming
> it with the sword of Gryffindor [his school House].
> He is unable to accomplish this by himself and must
> call for help, which comes from above, most often in
> the form of the word of truth or a double-edged sword.
JOEL: Do the words, "Brave knight slays evil monster" ring any bells?
TOM: Ron, Hermione, Dumbledore, Fawkes the Phoenix, God... I can see
how you'd get them mixed up...
> It's not just a snake he has to overcome, but a snake
> summoned by {the evil wizard} Voldemort's memory.
> Over and over in these medieval mystery morality
> plays, it's the memory of our sinfulness that we must
> overcome.
CROW: Of course in medieval times, deep breathing was sinful. So you
might want to rethink that comparison.
> The phoenix -- a classic symbol of Christ,
JOEL: [Half-laughing] Since when?
TOM: Actually many medieval Christian writings depict the phoenix -
never mind it's origins in B.C. era Greek and Chinese stories.
CROW: So basically, "It's Christ-like because we say so," then?
> who dies and rises again -- comes to help him. He
> kills the serpent, then in a moment quite shocking --
> I'm surprised Hollywood left it in -- the phoenix
> weeps in his wound to heal him.
TOM: Meh... I've seen more shocking on "Batman: TAS."
> That's a classic
> symbol of Christ's passion. It's Christ's tears that
> make us whole."
JOEL: I'm feeling like a heretic here; I don't recognize any of this
stuff.
TOM: It's probably in the Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, or
Harry.
CROW: Reed Richards would be proud of all the stretching going on
here...
> Perhaps the most surprising appropriation of Rowling's
> world took place at the conservative Vanguard Church
> in suburban Colorado Springs, Colo.
CROW: City motto: Dammit, people - WE'RE NOT COLUMBINE!!!
> Housed in an old
> movie theater, the six year old church has 1,100 members,
> including lots of young families. Using *Harry Potter*
> to teach Sunday school was the brainchild of Tosha
> Williams, the petite young wife of senior pastor Kelly
> Williams.
TOM: [Writer] The petite, dainty, perfect... Absolutely perfect...
Young... <starts giggling>
> "That's one thing about Southern Baptists --
> we're very pragmatic," she notes,
JOEL: And apparently also VERY bad with maps.
CROW: ["Southern" Baptist] Wadda yew mean this ain't Vicksburg?
> "and our goal is to
> reach people with the Gospel."
TOM: So the best way to do this is with tales of wizards and magic?
JOEL: Enlightened or just confused? You make the call.
> So the teachers dressed
> as wizards, and the church was entirely decorated, with
> darkened rooms and glow-in-the-dark props and hot dogs
> renamed goblin fingers.
CROW: So... It's Halloween, then?
JOEL: I just don't know, Crow... I just don't know...
> When the kids put on the Sorting
> Hat that determines the fate of young wizards in the book,
> they were all put in Slytherin, the home of the evil
> Voldemort;
CROW: The hat had a VERY bad day, apparently...
TOM: Where else you gonna send them? Detroit?
> the way out, they were taught, could only come
> from following what God teaches.
JOEL: So Heaven is located in Griffindor, then?
TOM: Sadly, if you asked the adults where Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff
were in this setup, you'd probably be met with the blankest of
blank stares.
> "I have never seen
> children so excited about a church event, just absolutely
> mesmerized," Williams says. And what did they learn from
> it all? "No one can do miracles but God," says Abigail
> Haggerty, 5.
CROW: After three hours of coaching...
JOEL: [Parent] Now dear, what do you say when the reporter asks what
you learned?
TOM: [Abigail] I like Harry Potter!
> "It showed how Harry Potter's mom sacrificed
> her life for Harry, as God sacrificed his life for us,"
> says America Copeland, 9.
CROW: "With absolutely prompting whatsoever," Crow added sarcastically.
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> Time, June 23, 2003, pages 66-67.
> By Nancy Gibbs; with reporting by Amy Bonesteel/Atlanta,
> Cathy Booth Thomas/Dallas, Amanda Bower/Albany, Harlene
> Ellin/Chicago, Rita Healy/Denver, Broward Liston/Orlando,
> Jeanne McDowell/Los Angeles, Betsy Rubiner/Des Moines,
> and Andrea Sachs/New York.
> =========================================================
JOEL: With Wolf Blitzer/Iraq.
CROW: Willard Scott/Weather.
TOM: Gene Shalitt/Movies.
ALL: And Jerry Mathers as "The Beve!"
> some see more than the demonic in the Potter series.
JOEL: Yeah, yeah... Some see a Christian allegory, some see a nice
children's
series, others see a rich cream filling...
> peace be with you!
CROW: Outtie 5000, G!
TOM: Word.
[All leave]
[ 6 ]...[ 5 ]...[ 4 ]...[ 3 ]...[ 2 ]...[ 1 ]...[ * ]
[We turn to see Tom and Joel behind the desk on the bridge]
TOM: So Joel, if this last article is to be taken at face value,
there are as many people who think Harry Potter is a
Christian allegory as think it's Satan's recruitment tool?
JOEL: Look like that's the case. Why?
TOM: No real reason. Just another entry in my "Humans Are Insane"
log.
[Crow dashes in]
CROW: Guys! Guys! There's something outside the ship!
JOEL: What? Cambot! Gimme Rocket #9!
[Outside the ship is an ordinary grey 1994 Ford Taurus wagon]
TOM: Well... That's new...
CROW: Looks like they're trying to get through on the Hexfield.
[The Hexfield Viewscreen opens to reveal two clean cut young men
wearing white shirts and ties.]
CROW: Hmm... Vaguely creepy.
MAN: Hello there! I'm Joe and this is Jerry, and we're from The
Church of Latter Day Potters...
JERRY: "The Harrys!"
JOE: And if you have a moment, we'd like to talk to you a moment
about our lord, The Boy Who Lived.
TOM: Oh, dear...
JERRY: Have you ever thought about what happens when you die?
CROW: No, but I imagine NASA search and recovery teams would be
involved, somehow.
JOE: We Harrys believe that when you die, the good and righteous go
to Gryffindor, and the wicked are banished to Slytherin.
JOEL: So then Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw would be considered Purgatory?
JERRY: "Huffle-what?"
JOE: Why do people keep bring those names up?
JOEL: Look, fellas... We’re really not interested in sending what's
left of our souls to Hogwarts, so let's not waste each others
time. Have a nice day. <Presses button to close Hexfield>
BOTH MEN: WAIT! <Field closes>
JOEL: So... A "'Humans Are Insane' log?"
TOM: Two thousand pages and counting!
[The Hexfield reopens]
JOE: If you'll just take a moment to look at our newsletter -
"Hogtower..."
CROW: Look, guys! Not interested! Take us off your list! Have a
nice day! Et cetera!
[Hexfield closes again]
JOEL: So... Do I show up in this log of yours?
TOM: No names, just subject numbers. But let's just say "Subject
#1" gets a lot of play.
[The Hexfield opens again. This time, both men are dressed in black
wizard's robes]
JERRY: Okay, LOOK! You WILL listen to us, you WILL see the light, or
you WILL eat an Unforgivable curse! <Both men brandish magic
wands.>
CROW: [Slightly embarrassed] Ohh, boy...
TOM: LOOK! If we give you the address of some really evil,
non-magical types who's souls REALLY need saving, would you
leave us alone?!?
JOE: [Thoughtfully] "Evil," you say?
JOEL: [Catching on] And mad.
CROW: Quite mad!
JERRY: Hmm... Alright! Point us at them!
TOM: Just get under the satellite and go straight down. Literally.
It's about ten miles under the earth - can't miss it!
JOE: Alrighty then! Thanks!
JERRY: And sorry about the "threatening you with curses" thing!
<Hexfield closes>
TOM: Guys, you realize he's gonna make us pay for this, later?
JOEL: Yeah... But it'll be worth it.
ALL: [Sing-song] OH DOCTOR FORRESTERRRRRRR!!!
[Cut back to Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is looking at the camera with a
look of pained resignation on his face.]
DR.F: <SIGH!> You will suffer. Oh, yes. You will suffer. [Turning
around] Frank, if you have ANY sense of self-preservation, DO
NOT ANSWER THAT DOOR!!
FRANK: [Offscreen] What was that, Steve? I was at the door!
JOE & JERRY: [Entering the room] Hi, there!
[Dr. F pinches the bridge of his and groans]
DR.F: Where did I put that portable death ray. <Hits button>
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
<< FWOOOSH >>
/ | \
/ | \
/ | \
Mystery Science Freezer
[http://www.geocities.com/mysterysciencefreezer]
Ep. 1: WWF Smackdown - 4/06/00 recap
Ep. 2: Scooby Did [Lemon]
Ep. 3: Voyager: S-Space, part 1 [Lemon]
Ep. 4: Voyager: Stealth Wedgie
Ep. 5: Violence Aimed Even At Preschoolers
Ep. 6: Brightheart The Cub Sitter [Lemon]
Ep. 7: Sweet Beginnings [Lime]
Ep. 8: Life's Surprises
Ep. 9: School Girls [Lemon]
Ep.10: Netnoise Triple Feature
Ep.11: Bishoujo Senshi Sour Lemon [Lemon]
Ep.12: Star Trek:Voyager - S-Space, part 2 [Lemon]
Ep.13: Captain N: The Cavern of Fate [Lemon]
Ep.14: The Two Faces of Xtian Kookery
Mystery UGoS Theater (Wrestle-centric with saltier language)
Ep. 1: Judgment Day 2000 Rant by Scott Keith
Ep. 3: Chris Hyatte's "And Another Thing" 9.25.2000
(Collaboration with Maple Leaf Mickey and The Big Fred Machine)
Ep. 4: Danielle Fishel & Lacey Chabert At Smackdown!
Ep. 5: Salior <sic> Moon/WWF Crossover
Group MSTings:
Love Bites (Edited by Rebo Valence, written with half the free world)
http://rebo_chan.tripod.com/lovebites.txt
Royal and Prime Directives (Edited by Bill Livingston)
http://svamcentral.org/svam/mstings/Royal-PrimeDirective.txt
Columbine's Most Wanted (Edited by Dalty Smith)
http://members.rogers.com/krpalmer/mst3k/mstings/columbine.txt
Legolas: Back To The Future (Still ongoing - Edited by River City
Random) http://www.geocities.com/rivercityrandom/
<< Will Joel and The Bots survive Dr. Forrester's retribution? Will
Joe and Jerry? Will Frank? And just how many subjects are in Tom's
"Humans Are Insane" log? Find out in the next edition of Mystery
Science Freezer! >>
{{ The show is giving the message that wizards are your friends, NOT!
}}
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And my anti-drug is porn.
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