[MiSTing] "Flower's Quest" (1/2)
Jim W.
Turn down your lights...(But you might encounter those weird green things from
that
X-Files episode "Darkness Falls")
In the not-too-distant future
On a lonely asteroid
Pearl Forrester and TV's Frank
Are getting real annoyed
They're looking for the worst fanfic
Yes, they haven't gotten tired of this old schtick
Once she's got it Pearl will be filled with gaiety
'Cuz she'll head on back to Earth and then reclaim her destiny!
PEARL: If you're confused, go read Season Three!
"I'll send Mike lousy stories;
The worst Frank can find. (lalala)
He'll have to sit and read them all,
Until they destroy his mind." (lalala)
Now keep in mind Mike doesn't care
How the fanfics begin or end (lalala)
He'll do his best to escape them
With the help of his robot friends!
ROBOT ROLL CALL
CAMBOT! "On standby."
GYPSY! "Let's roll!"
TOM SERVO! "Oops, my head fell off."
CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! "You know you want me, baby!"
If you're wondering how they stay alive
Through all these loathsome works (lalala)
Just repeat to yourself "It's just a show"
And enjoy all their funny quirks!
on SCIENCE FICTION THEATER 1,000,000,000
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL] Mike is center, holding a megaphone and directing it upward. Tilting
his back forces him to lay one hand on the counter to ballance himself. We
can hear the distant sound of Servo's hoverskirt flying around madly while
Servo screams.
MIKE[into megaphone]: SERVO, DON'T WORRY. CROW IS LOOKING FOR THE INSTRUCTION
MANNUAL RIGHT NOW.
SERVO[distant]: Did you try my underpants drawer?
MIKE: YES, HE TRIED YOUR UNDERPANTS DRAWER. AND YOUR RACECAR BED, AND YOUR
SHELF FULL OF AUTOGRAPHED TEA LEONI GLOSSIES.
SERVO: You had no right to look through those!
MIKE: DO YOU WANT TO GET DOWN FROM THERE OR NOT? [notices camera, lowers
megaphone] Oh, hi. Servo's hoverskirt is acting up, and we're trying
to get him down from the ceiling.
SERVO[distant]: And you're not doing a very good job!
MIKE[ignoring Servo]: Other than that, everything's been hunky-dory
since our last experiment.
[Crow enters with a thick blue book]
CROW: Here it is, Mike. I used his enterociter to locate it.
MIKE: Where was it?
CROW: It was with a whole bunch of his spare heads in the janitor closet.
MIKE[slapping himself on the forehead]: Why didn't I think to look there?
SERVO: Can you get me down now, please? [hoverskirt boosts] Wooooaaahhhh!
[crash]
[Debris falls on Mike and Crow.]
MIKE[snatching book]: Okay, let's see what it says... "In case the hoverskirt
malifunctions and propells Servo Unit up to the ceiling, or any other really
high place, initiate the Auto-Return command on his Control Remote." Where's
his control remote?
CROW: Oh, Joel threw it out after I used it to make Servo take a picture of
Sandra Bullock in the shower.
MIKE: CROW!
CROW[defiant]: You can't yell at me for that! You didn't witness it!
SERVO: Just get me down! Wa-haaaaaaaaaaaaagh!
[Servo flies low over their heads and hits Mike.]
MIKE: Ow!
SERVO: Sorryyyyiiieeeee! [flies back up to the ceiling]
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial Sign in fifteen seconds.
CROW: Well, you could use my remote and tune it to Servo's operating
frequency.
MIKE: Great! Where's your remote?
CROW: Servo has it.
[remote falls on Mike's head]
MIKE: OW!
SERVO: There you go!
CROW: Thanks, Servo!
SERVO: Don't mention iiiiiiit! [boosts again]
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial Sign n--
[Another crash as a giant bulkhead lands on Mike.]
*commercial sign*
CROW: We'll be right back.
MIKE[on the floor at this point]: Why me?
[commercial]
---
[SOL] Servo is safe and sound with Mike, Crow, and Gypsy.
MIKE: How's your hoverskirt now, Servo?
[Servo lifts and lowers a couple of times.]
SERVO: Operating at 100 percent reliability, Mike!
MIKE: Great!
GYPSY: Hey, Mike, look at this piece of the ceiling that Servo knocked off.
[Gypsy's tube lifts a section of the triangular bulkhead. It contains various
odds and ends plastered together and painted grey.]
MIKE: What's so special about that, Gypsy? All the walls here have junk like
that on them.
GYPSY: But do all the walls contain A REMOTE CONTROLED RETURN COMMAND FOR THE
SATELLITE?
CROW and SERVO: WHAT!?
MIKE[inspecting wall chunk]: Hey, she's right! Look here! This little box
thing contains an interface to the Satellite Auto-Pilot! Looks like it's
already set to bring the Satellite to a landing port outside the Gizmonic
Institute.
CROW: WE'RE GOING HOME! HORRAY!
[Crow, Servo, and Gypsy all join hands (?) and dance in a circle]
MIKE: Whatdaya think of that, Cambot? We're going back to Earth at last!
[Cambot shakes up and down, approvingly.]
MIKE: Hear that, Magic Voice? We're going home!
[Magic Voice doesn't respond.]
MIKE: Magic Voice?
[The other 'Bots stop dancing and look around for Magic Voice.]
SERVO: What happened to Magic Voice?
MAGIC VOICE: I'm -FIZZZZ- right here.
[Everyone looks at the wall chunk]
MIKE[upon closer inspection]: Oh, no. This same Auto-Return contains the
hardware necessary to run Magic Voice!
CROW: You mean...?
MIKE: Yes... [dramatic zoom-in] If we use it, we'll lose Magic Voice forever.
SERVO: DAMN YOU, DR. FORRESTER!
*Mads' sign*
CROW[indicating sign]: Careful, Servo, the walls have ears.
[Moon Zero Two]
PEARL: *And* eyes! Looks like you won't be using that little plot device
after all! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Now listen up! Today's fanfic is called "Flower's
Quest." It's all about some fan character who does things to help the
Freedom Fighters, and naturally ends up in a romantic affair with one of
them. I encourage you pay close attention to this one...it spells your doom!
FRANK! SEND THE THING!
FRANK[grumbling off-camera]: Yes, oh wise and powerful Mistress of Evil.
PEARL: Ooh, I like that! [smiles evily at camera]
[SOL] *movie sign*
SERVO: Magic Voice! Speak to me!
MIKE: We've got MOVIE SIIIIIGN!
6...5...4...3...2...1...
[Mike, Servo, and Crow enter and sit]
SERVO: I blame myself, Mike.
MIKE: Once we put that bulkhead back into place, she'll be fine.
>From: flow...@aol.communist (Toni Ferraro)
>Date: 05/14/2000 3:25 PM Eastern Daylight Time
>Message-id: <20000514152502...@ng-fw1.aol.com>
CROW: Hey, this one's fairly recent!
SERVO: "aol.communist"? I sense an alt.conspiracy rant forming here...
>
>
> Flower's Quest
>
> Flower just spent the most of her time thinking.
MIKE: Hmm... if I were a bird, which bird would I be?
SERVO: What is my purpose in life?
CROW: What is the quotient, in terms of "i", of pi to the negative fifth and
the
cubed root of negative seventy-three times two?
MIKE and SERVO: Huh?
>She knew she had sisters, but what of her parents? "What ever happened to
them?
>Are they alive? Where are they?
SERVO: Hmm...that's a tough question, Regis. I'll call my sisters back in
the Great Forrest.
[Crow makes a phone ringing sound]
>My sisters don't know."
SERVO: ...so I guess I'll have to say... B.
MIKE[Regis]: Is that your final answer?
CROW: Ladies and gentlemen, our very first Who Wants to be a Millionaire riff.
>Sometimes Knuckles would walk
>up and sit with her. But amazingly, Flower wouldn't flirt with him!
ALL: WHAT?!?
MIKE: Truly, Flower is a bizarre and unusual fan character!
>She would just sit there and think, think, think.
> Once, when she wasn't thinking, she was with the Chaotix.
SERVO[Flower]: With the Chaotix?! What was I thinking?!? Oh, right...I wasn't.
>They were hanging out talking about their adventure in Emerald Sea*.
MIKE: Uh...where does that asterix take us to?
SERVO: Cambot, scan the rest of the fanfic.
[buzz]
CAMBOT: Asterix is located at the very end of the fanfic.
MIKE: Well, we'll just read until we get there, then.
>Flower then got a
>weird look on her face. "Hey, what's wrong, Flowe?" asked Mighty.
CROW[Flower]: I just realized...I'm in a Sonic fanfic! I've got to get out of
here!
>"I umm...I gotta go...I gotta drop something off. Be right back!" She ran to
>the porter potty.
SERVO: The port-a-potty has a porter?
MIKE: He must have the suckiest job on the planet.
>"Yo Knux," said Vector, "Why does Flower always have to be so shy? She
>can have a laugh with us and say she has to go to the bath...."
> He was cut off by evil laughter. Then in a puff of smoke, a robotisized
>jackrabbit appeared.
CROW: Out of absolutely nowhere. Why do they always do that?
SERVO: Villian Rulebook, rule number 762: "Villian must always appear in front
of major characters in a sudden and unexpected puff of smoke."
>Knuckles stood.
MIKE: As opposed to sat.
>"Who're you and what are you doing on my
>island?" "I have come for the one named Flower," said the jackrabbit,
CROW: What rule is "Villian of the story must be bent on capturing the lame
fan character"?
SERVO: Um...it's number 508, I think.
>"I am her uncle!
SERVO: Oh, yeah, and number 12: "Villian must be related to lame fan character
in some way, shape or form."
>But seeing that she isn't here, I'll capture you!!!!" Within
>moments, smoke appeared and the jackrabbit disappeared along with the Chaotix,
>except for Flower, cause, ya know!
ALL[in unison]: Oh, we know.
> She returned to an empty spot. "Hey!" she said, "Where'd everyone go?
>They wouldn't leave me behind, would they?"
CROW[sarcastic]: Oh, I don't see why.
>"Of course not, niece!" said a
>voice, "I kidnapped them! And you're gonna have to save them!
>HAHAHHAAH!!!!!!!"
CROW: Why doesn't he just appear and capture her like he did the Chaotix?
SERVO: The most important rule of all, Crow; "Villian must never take an
intelligent course of action."
>"Great," said Flower to herself, "The Chaotix are kidnapped
>and I have to save them...Alone! Just me, little ol' Flower!" She dug her
>shoe into the dirt, "Those guys are tough, they can probably get out
>themselves,"
[Everyone breaks out laughing.]
MIKE: Flower: Last Inaction Hero!
>Then all the sudden, she slapped herself. "Ow," she said,
CROW: Good observation.
>"What's wrong with you, Flower? You're friends are kidnapped and they need
you
>the most! Stop being so shy!" Flower took a breath as she took her first
step
>to finding the Chaotix. (Issue2)
MIKE: ...and her foot landed in doggie doo.
> Flower did some thinking as she went along with her quest.
CROW: Oh, naturally.
>"Who was that
>guy? Why did he call me niece? Is he my uncle? Do I have an Uncle?
SERVO: Uh...hmm...that's a really tough one. But my gut instinct says
to go with C.
MIKE[Regis]: Is that your final answer?
SERVO: ...Yes.
>I was only 5 when my parents disappeared. Then never told me much.
>Not even how I got my powers!"
MIKE[Regis]: No, I'm sorry, that does not answer the question. Thanks for
playing.
CROW[Millionaire theme]: Da, da, da-dun-dun-dun-dun-DUUUUUUUUUUN!
>She stopped at a moat with rocks as a path.
SERVO: Does she even know where the hell she's going?
MIKE: I think she just picked a direction and hoped it was the right one.
CROW: Knowing fanfics, it probably will be.
>"I wasn't much of
>a rock jumper, but ok," said Flower. She jumped on the first rock, made it!
>Then the next, the next, next, next, WHAM! Right into the water!
CROW[announcer]: We've secretly replaced that rock with a tortoise shell.
Let's
see if Flower notices...
>But somehow,
>she didn't slip! Something knocked her off. Flower looked up. It was a
>dragillator! A cross between an alligator and a dragon! "A dragillator!"
>yelped Flower, "I thought they only existed in fables I heard!"
SERVO: Hey! She forgot to add "...when I was a child".
MIKE: Well, at least it's a creative plot contrivance.
CROW: Creative? My grandma's Celeron processor could think of a better
monster!
>The dragillator rose up and tried to chomp on Flower. Luckily, she jumped out
of
>the way and onto a lily pad. It didn't totally keep her up.
SERVO[Flower]: Well, it worked in Sonic Adventure...
>As the dragillator walked towards Flower, she jumped on it and electrocuted
it.
CROW: What?
MIKE: Must be that power she was talking about earlier.
>The dragillator roared in pain, and fell into the water. Flower jumped out of
the
>moat on the other side and ran off.
> Flower didn't know where to go. "Where would a mysterious guy take my
>friends?" she wondered.
SERVO: Meanwhile, Flower's Uncle had taken the Chaotix to a lovely dinner at
The Olive Garden.
>"I see you are having trouble, niece!" It was that guy
>again. "Listen carefully!" He did his evil laughter again. It was in a
path!
> And it led all the way to Lava Reef Zone**.
MIKE: Wait...what?
CROW: Let's just pretend it makes sense and move on.
>She followed it and entered the zone.
> Soon, she came to a gigantic river of lava. She couldn't get over it.
"I
>could try to swim over it," she thought sarcastically, "C'mon, think
>seriously!"
SERVO: It's what you're best at, after all.
>She looked around. "No raft," she said. "Says you," said a
>voice. Flower turned to see an old man echidna. "Athair!" she said suprised,
>"What are you doing here?" "I always come to help those who need it!
CROW: Really? That's a first.
>And I see you need help getting across a river of lava." "And you're gonna
help me,
>how?" asked the confused jackrabbit.
MIKE[Athair]: By making the Ancient Walkers speak of legends through you, of
course.
>"You must use your powers," said Athair.
>"My powers? How are they gonna help?" Flower asked looking at her hands that
>were now making electricity out. Of course, it did nothing.
SERVO: Wait...she could use that electricity to power a factory that makes
rafts, then use that raft to get across!
[Mike and Crow stare at Servo.]
SERVO: Sorry.
>"No, no, young
>one," said Athair waving his hand at her, "The power deep inside of you. The
>power you have to save your friends. I may not know much about your family
>history,
MIKE[grandpa Athair]: But I know all about mine! Why, there was this one
guardian
who wound up in a pickle just like you...
>but I do know a young enchantress' powers developing more as time goes
>by. Now just close your eyes and think about your friends' safety." Flower
>closed her eyes and thought about her friends. She'd have to do anything to
>have them safe, even if it meant overcoming her fear of heights.
CROW: Uh...why would that be required?
>Within minutes of thinking, a raft made out of bones appeared. Flower then
opened her
>eyes and saw the raft.
MIKE: Made out of bones? What kind of sick, twisted mind does she have?
>Then she hugged Athair. "Thank you for your help," she
>said. Athair nodded, and teleported away in a flash.
SERVO[grandpa Athair]: Gotta go tweaze my ears now.
> Flower put her foot on the raft to make sure it was safe. When it was,
>she put her whole body onto it and pushed herself from the edge. She then
laid
>back looking at the ceiling. It felt just like a raft ride on the water in
the
>moonlight.
SERVO: ...except there was now watter and no moonlight, so really it was
totally different.
>She pretended Knuckles was with her. They were lying next to each
>other watching the stars. Then they sat up, looked at each other, leaned
>forward, and...
> Something big whacked at Flower's raft.
MIKE: It was Knuckles.
CROW[Knuckles]: Stop romanticizing about me!
>Flower was startled and came back
>to reality. "WOAH!" She saw Knuckles wasn't there anymore, but a new friend
>came along. A cave bat! It swooped down and tried to whack Flower off.
SERVO: Yup, that sure is a good friend.
MIKE: I think Flower should be more selective when it comes to making new
friends.
>She grabbed on it and electrocuted it. It weakened a little. Flower fell
back on
>the raft. The cave bat was a very strong bat! It swooped back down again and
>tipped her raft to the other side! Flower immediately jumped up while it
>tipped and jumped on the other side, but it was the side that was on the lava
>and she burnt herself.
CROW: I think the lava would actually melt her body, not just burn it...
>"YEEEOOW!" she screamed as she jumped high in the air.
MIKE: Cartoom Physics in action.
>The cave bat grabbed her arms and began to fly out of the zone. Flower kept
>her eyes close and played possum as the bat flew her. "Where's it gonna take
>me?" she wondered.
>
SERVO: Uh... D!
MIKE[Regis]: Is that your final answer?
CROW: Oh, knock it off!
[Mike and thems guys leave the theater]
Jim W.
my MiSTings and fanfiction: http://members.aol.com/tjats/tjats.html
-----quote of the week
"A word to the wise, Devil: Don't f*%# with God!"
-God, "Savage Dragon" #31
Matthew W. Miller
>MIKE: Uh...where does that asterix take us to?
>SERVO: Cambot, scan the rest of the fanfic.
>[buzz]
>CAMBOT: Asterix is located at the very end of the fanfic.
I wouldn't mind Asterix (or Obelix) being in a fanfic, but I think you
mean "asterisk".
--
Matthew W. Miller -- ma...@infinet.com
Jim W.
>mean "asterisk".
>
>--
>Matthew W. Miller -- ma...@infinet.com
Ah, thank you.
Jim W. (#90212)
my MiSTings and fanfiction:
http://sft1b.mistings.org