[MiSTing] "The Neelix Claus part 5: Neelix the Red Faced Talaxian (1/1)
Jim W.
NEELIX THE RED FACED TALAXIAN
by Suz
MiSTed by Jim Whaley
originally posted Christmas Day, 2000
---
episode 408 of SFT1B
Turn down your lights...(You can see in the dark, can't you?)
In the not-too-distant future
On a lonely asteroid
Pearl Forrester and TV's Frank
Are getting real annoyed
They're looking for the worst fanfic
Yes, they haven't gotten tired of this old schtick
Once she's got it Pearl will be filled with gaiety
'Cuz she'll head on back to Earth and then reclaim her destiny!
PEARL: If you're confused, go read Season Three!
"I'll send Mike lousy stories;
The worst Frank can find. (lalala)
He'll have to sit and read them all,
Until they destroy his mind." (lalala)
Now keep in mind Mike doesn't care
How the fanfics begin or end (lalala)
He'll do his best to escape them
With the help of his robot friends!
ROBOT ROLL CALL
CAMBOT! "On standby."
GYPSY! "Let's roll!"
TOM SERVO! "Oops, my head fell off."
CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! "Merrrrrry Christmas!"
If you're wondering how they stay alive
Through all these loathsome works (lalala)
Just repeat to yourself "It's just a show"
And enjoy all their funny quirks!
on SCIENCE FICTION THEATER 1,000,000,000
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL] A small Christmas tree is on the counter, with presents surrounding it.
No one is seen on camera. Soft footsteps are heard rapidly approaching. They
get louder and louder. The set begins to shake, and the footsteps sound like a
roaring stampede. Crow, Servo, and Gypsy (in pajamas) enter in different
directions.
ALL: PRESENTS!!!
[They all jump for the presents at once, knocking into each other and falling
out
of camera range.]
ALL: Oo-ooh-oh...ow.
*commercial sign*
[commercials]
---
[SOL] Mike and the 'Bots stand behind the counter. The 'Bots are examining the
packages.
MIKE: Hello, everybody, and merry Christmas! We're almost ready to open our
presents--
'BOTS[protesting]: We ARE ready to open our presents!
CROW: Hurry hurry hurry!
MIKE: --but *first* I'd like us to thank the one responsible for sneaking into
our quarters and hand-delivering them instead of carelessly transporting them
in.
MIKE [and 'BOTS, impatient]: Thank you, Captain Janeway.
MIKE: Alright, now let's dig in!
['Bots cheer and grab presents.]
MAGIC VOICE: Incoming call from Moon Zero Two.
MIKE: Oh, okay. Hold up, everyone.
'BOTS: -collective groan-
[Moon Zero Two] The christmas tree and presents are missing. Stray branches
and
a broken spherical ornament are scattered on the floor. Frank is present.
FRANK: Bad news, guys. Jim Carey broke in last night and stole everything.
Pearl left to track him down.
[SOL]
MIKE: Frank, that's terrible!
[MZ2]
FRANK: I know, but I'm not going to make a big deal out of it. After all...
[places his hands on his chest] ...he could never steal the Christmas spirit
that
is inside my heart.
[SOL] Servo is shaking one of his presents, with his ear to it.
MIKE: Well, that's great, Frank. I hope you and Pearl pull through.
[Gypsy starts sobbing.]
MIKE: Gypsy, what's wrong?
GYPSY: It's my fault, Mike. I wanted to give Pearl and Frank a gift this year,
so I put them in a contest where the winner would get a special visit from
the Grinch.
MIKE: Oh, there, there, Gyps. It was an honest mistake. You didn't know what
would happen.
GYPSY: I know, I know... -sob-
[MZ2]
FRANK: Well, Gypsy, I won't hold it against you. But Pearl might. [looks
around,
then whispers to Cambot] But I won't tell her.
[SOL] Servo is now using a pair of x-ray glasses to see inside his present.
MIKE: Well, despite that little setback, the Christmas spirit will live on.
SERVO: Darn thing! All I can see is the wall behind the present!
MIKE: Okay, Servo, you can open your gift now.
SERVO: YES! Okay, here goes!
MIKE: Wait, before you open it, who's it from?
SERVO: Uh...Pearl. [proceeds to tear the paper off the box]
CROW: Really?
MIKE: I guess Pearl has some Christmas spirit after all.
SERVO: Uh...guess again, Mike. [produces a floppy diskette from the box]
MIKE: Uh-oh.
GYPSY: Is that what I think it is?
SERVO: Yup. Today's fanfic.
*movie sign*
MIKE: Oh, no, it's Movie Sign!!!
CROW: So far this Christmas isn't very merry!
6...5...4...3...2...1...
[Mike and the 'Bots enter and sit.]
>The Neelix Claus - Neelix The Red Faced Talaxian
>
CROW: But I though Janeway shot him with *purple* paint balls?
>*
>
>After having captured their prisoner Kathryn and the recently recovered
Chakotay
>dragged the purple-stained Talaxian until they came upon something that would
help
>them continue their punishment.
SERVO: Oh, they're going to punish him *more*?
>
>A cabin. A refuge from the cold weather and snow. No doubt Neelix had never
envisioned
>it being used as a place where they would shame him, but he had to suffer.
MIKE: I don't like where this is going...
>Both the Captain and Commander were in a particularly sadistic mood by now,
especially
>Janeway. She didn't appreciate being played for a fool by anyone. Not even for
a 'good
>cause' such as romance.
CROW[Janeway]: *This* is the price you will pay for hooking me up with the guy
I should be involved with anyway.
>
>They threw him next to the fire as they stumbled through the doorway, her hair
whipping
>around her face.
MIKE: Crap. He missed the fire.
>Slamming the door shut the sounds of their gasps echoed through the
>wooden room as they all tried to regain their breath. Neelix, who had been in
the snow
>simulation the longest, happily remained by the fire, although he frowned as
he noticed
>some paint dripping from his nose and splatting on the floor.
SERVO[Neelix]: I'm MELTING--no, wait...
>Reaching up with a shaky
>hand he removed his goggles, trying not to groan at the bruises the paint
pellets had
>caused over his body. He knew he deserved this but the knowledge certainly
didn't make
>it easier.
>
>The smell of freshly burnt wood filled the room from where the fire crackled.
CROW: And so did the smoke and they all died from suffocation.
MIKE: Wow, somebody got dark in a hurry.
CROW: A hurry? Where've you been for the last four parts?
>Not so much as to be smoggy, but just enough that it tickled at the nose and
pleased
>the senses. As much as she loved the snow, Kathryn was relieved to be warm.
Walking
>over to the table and chair next to the window she stared out at the snowy
vista briefly
>before placing the rifle on the table.
SERVO: The mention of the rifle just killed the warm and cozy feeling this
paragraph had.
>Neelix's sigh of relief was audible and unmistakable.
>
>Kathyrn smiled.
>
MIKE[Janeway]: It ain't over yet, Cupid.
>Turning her back towards the window she nearly jumped when she found Chakotay
standing
>in front of her, but this time she was able to hide her reaction. It wouldn't
do at all
>for Neelix to see a weakness in her at this moment.
>
>Chakotay's dark eyes seemed to be smiling. "What shall we do with him?"
MIKE: Kill him.
SERVO: Shame him.
CROW: Kick him in the nuts!
MIKE: Throw him out an airlock.
SERVO: Strand him on a deserted planet.
CROW: Force him to watch you make escargot with margarine instead of butter!
MIKE: Demote him to waste management.
SERVO: Take away his godfather rights.
CROW: Have sex with him!
MIKE: CROW!
SERVO: I have the feeling he's not far from the truth, Mike.
>
>Kathryn sucked on the inside of her right cheek and glanced at the ceiling.
"Hmm...
>good question. Well there are many *many* possibilities..." her eyes locked
back onto
>his "...but something tells me you have a suggestion."
MIKE: Snicker-snag him.
SERVO: Tie him to the warp core.
>
>This time his mouth matched the smile in his eyes. "I know you want to do this
by
>yourself, and I'll let you...but I do have an idea..."
CROW: Lace his special sauce with arsenic.
MIKE: Make him wear an apron that says "I'm with stupid," with an arrow
pointing up.
SERVO: Okay, Mike, you killed the gag.
MIKE: Sorry.
>
>*
>
>She applauded his idea once she saw it in action. She'd like the suggestion of
course,
>but to actually see it...it was wonderful.
>
>"It's the best Christmas present I could ever have hoped for. I thought the
compression
>phaser rifle was a terrific present...but this might be even better."
SERVO: This time, he got her a rapid-fire paintball-gun, with seeking
warheads.
>
>He laughed slightly in response.
>
>They moved closed to the fire as Chakotay laid a blanket he had found in a
chest in
>the corner of the room on the floor. It would help protect them against the
hard floor,
>and both were a little damp anyway so it would soak up any water.
CROW: Or sweat, or...
MIKE: Crow...
CROW: What?
MIKE: It's Christmas. Lay off those jokes.
CROW: But the sexual tension's been building for five whole stories!
MIKE: Let it go.
>
>Sitting to Chakotay's left, Kathryn looked up at her present again as it
looked down at
>her with resignation. For three feet above the fireplace, Neelix's head hung
on the wall.
ALL: WOAH!
MIKE: That's...
SERVO: ...so...
CROW: ...awesome!
MIKE: I was thinking more like "sadistic."
>
>He wasn't dead of course - the whole thing was a holographic illusion and the
safeties
>were most definitely on. But Chakotay had programmed the wall to go around
Neelix's neck,
>effectively making it look as if he had been beheaded. This also provided a
bonus -
>he couldn't move. And as a special treat, he had been gagged.
SERVO[Neelix]: Okay, you guys are *never* getting your favorite desert again!
>
>Chakotay spoke softly. "I'm glad you like it."
>
>"I love it," she replied, the quietness of her words somehow at odds with the
situation
>they were in.
>
>Smiling once more, Chakotay spoke. "Computer: play audio selection 'Chakotay
beta five'."
SERVO[singing, in low voice]: You're a mean one, Mr. Neelix...
>
>A familiar tune filled the air, and as Kathryn heard the specially altered
words she
>laughed freely for the first time in five years. Leaning against Chakotay's
shoulder
>and sighing happily, she was utterly unaware of the the smile that appeared on
the
>Talaxian's face even through his gag, as he realised he had received what he
had been
>trying to achieve in the first place.
CROW: I still get to peep on their romance! Woo hoo!
>
>*
>'
>Neelix roasting on an open fire
ALL: D'OH!
>Aliens begging at your toes
>Fearful eyebrows, raising up even higher
>And folks laughing loudly at his nose
SERVO: And they wouldn't let poor Neelix play any Talaxian games.
>
>Everybody knows, men with iris' of yellow
>Always hide away in fright
>Tiny men, with their eyes all aglow
>Will find it hard to sleep tonight
>
>They know that Kathy's on her way
>She's loaded lots of phaser guns to make them pay
MIKE: DANCE, varmint!
>And every Rinax boy is gonna spy
>To see if today's the day they're gonna die
>
CROW: And on that note, Merry Christmas!
>And so I'm offering this simple phrase
>To kids from one to ninety-two
SERVO: Old kid.
>Although it's been said many times, many ways,
>Merry Christmas to you.'
>
>Music and Lyric (more or less) by Mel Torme and Robert Wells
>
>(C) 1946, Renewed 1974 Edwin H. Morris and Company, a division of MPL
Communications, Inc.
>(ASCAP)
MIKE: "A Super CrAppy Production."
>
>~FINIS
>
CROW: You know...that's gotta be one of the best worst things we've ever read.
MIKE: Pearl's being too kind this Christmas.
>--
>Officially dubbed "Evil incarnate" by Eri and Martha
>"What are you listening to?"
>"A selection from Tom's jazz database--it really swings."
>http://members.tripod.co.uk/needanexit/index.html
>http://members.tripod.com/~SuzVoy/index.html
>Wanna chat? ICQ is 6730375
[Mike and the 'Bots exit.]
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL] Mike and Gypsy are on screen. A toy car can be heard operating in the
background,
and the other 'Bots' delight are vocalized in the forms of "Woo-hoo"s and
"Yippie"s.
MIKE: Sounds like the 'Bots are enjoying their presents.
GYPSY: Yup.
MIKE: Oh, thanks for your present, Gypsy. [indicates a cabinet on the side of
the room]
I was running out of places to file my rantings on every movie we watch so
that, on the
day we return to Earth, I will compile them in a large book and make tons of
money.
GYPSY: And thank you for that twenty-foot extension hose. Now I'm able to
reach the far
corners of the ship to make long-awaited repairs.
[Crow zips by in his red toy car.]
CROW: Thanks for the convertable, Gypsy!
GYPSY[as Crow gets farther away]: You're welcome!
MAGIC VOICE: You know, it's too bad I can't get any presents.
MIKE: Yeah, being confined to that box and all. In fact, I wish you weren't so
that
we could use that Auto-Return command and get back to Earth.
MAGIC VOICE: I'm sorry I had to be stuck with it. You could have just done it
and erased me, though.
MIKE: No way, MV. Us here on the SOL never desert our friends. Right, Servo?
SERVO[from off screen]: What?
MIKE: Forget it.
*Mads' sign*
MIKE: Oh, hey, Pearl's back.
[MZ2] The room is brimming with presents and decorations. Frank is in the chair
reading a paper. Pearl enters.
PEARL: -whew- That Carrey is one weird guy. Took me three shocks with my taser
for
him to even feel anything.
[SOL]
MIKE: You didn't kill him, did you?
[MZ2]
PEARL: Do I look like a guy who would kill someone?
[pause]
PEARL: Don't answer that.
FRANK[getting up]: Come on, Pearl. It's time to open our presents!
[Frank hands Pearl a gift.]
PEARL: Oh, Frank. It's a beautiful wrapping job! [tears the paper to shreds
to reveal a red toolbox] Oh, Frank! It's a World Domination Kit! Thank you
so much!
[Pearl hugs Frank and pats him on the back.]
PEARL: Here you go, sweetheart. [hands Frank a present]
FRANK: For *me*?! [opens gift] Oh, Pearl! A rare Johnny Longtorso with Kung-fu
laser action! Thank you thank you!
[Jingle Bells are heard from the roof]
PEARL: What the--?
FRANK: Could it be--?
PEARL: On Christmas--?
[Santa Claus comes down the chimney.]
SANTA: Ho, ho, ho-o-ouch! I gotta watch those landings.
[Pearl and Frank walk over to Santa as he stands up and rubbs his bottom.]
FRANK: Santa! What are you doing here? You've already delivered your presents.
SANTA: Yes, Frank, I know. I returned because I read your letter last night,
and
I was so moved I decided to pay a special visit once my rounds were done.
PEARL: Letter?
FRANK: It's a long story.
SANTA: Frank, it isn't often that I find such a noble and kind-hearted soul
such
as yourself. Even through all the evil things you and your friends have done,
you still remain as innocent and childlike as ever.
FRANK[rosy-cheeked]: Gee, thanks, Santa.
SANTA: That's why I'm going to give everyone here what they want for
Christmas.
FRANK[surprised]: REALLY?!?
SANTA: You betcha! Pearl, you're getting another crack at taking control of
Earth.
PEARL: What? Yoy mean it?
SANTA: Frank, I'm going to let you relive your "good old days" with Doctor
Forrester.
FRANK: Oh wow! I get to go back and see Steve after all this time...!
PEARL: Well, well, Nelson, looks like I'm going to be the new big cheese on
Earth.
[SOL]
MIKE: I'm debating whether or not that's a good thing.
SERVO: On one hand, you'd be the supreme ruler of Earth.
CROW: On the other hand, we'll be free.
GYPSY: It's really a tough decision.
[MZ2]
SANTA: And for you boys up there on the Satellite of Love...I'm going to give
Magic Voice a real non-corporeal form.
[SOL]
ALL: WHAT?!?
MIKE: You mean we're going home?
SERVO: And we won't be destroying Magic Voice to get there?
MAGIC VOICE: And I'm going to have a real non-body?
[MZ2]
SANTA: Sure thing, long as my name's Jolly Ol' Saint Nick!
[SOL] Mike and company are in full party gear, with champaigne glasses and
confetti.
ALL: EARTH! EARTH! EARTH! EARTH!
[MZ2]
SANTA: Well, Frank, it's time to go.
FRANK: Wait, I need to say goodbye...
PEARL: Oh, Frank, I'm going to miss you so much!
FRANK: Thanks for the wonderful time, Pearl. I'll never forget you.
SANTA: Two shakes of my nose, Pearl, and I'll be back to give you a lift!
[The hug each other, and Santa escorts Frank up the chimney. Pearl is alone in
her
fortress.]
PEARL: Wow...I'm really getting control of the world...and it's all because
Frank
wrote a heart-felt letter... [shudders] Oh, boy, I'm getting sentimental again.
Where was I? Oh, yes.
[Pearl starts running everywhere, jumping for joy.]
PEARL: WHEE! YES! I'M KING OF THE WORLD! --er, queen. YES! QUEEN OF THE WORLD!
[SOL] Magic Voice's control box flashes and suddenly becomes lifeless.
MAGIC VOICE[with echo restored]: Auto-Return command has been activated.
Ship's
course is set for the planet Earth. Full speed ahead.
MIKE: This is it, guys. We're going home!
SERVO: Oh, it's so wonderful!
CROW: To be free! To be free!
GYPSY: Maybe on Earth I'll get to see Richard Baseheart!
[silence]
CROW: I miss the fanfics already.
[Santa's Sleigh] Santa and Frank ride through a snowstorm.
FRANK: Oh, wow, Santa! I can't thank you enough!
SANTA: Don't thank me, Frank. Your pure good heart has helped yourself.
FRANK: Well, goodbye, Mike! Servo, Gypsy! So long Crow! Magic Voice!
I'll be seein' ya, Pearl! This is the best Christmas ever!
[The sleigh rides off into the blizzard.]
SANTA[unseen]: Hey, Frank. See this button on the armrest here?
FRANK[unseen]: Yeah.
SANTA: Push it!
FRANK: Ooh, joy! [Frank noise]
[FWOOSH!]
[Mighty Science Theater]
written by: Jim Whaley
"The Neelix Claus part 5" written by: Suz
featuring:
Mike Nelson: Michael J. Nelson
Crow: Bill Corbett
Tom Servo: Kevin Murphy
Gypsy: Patrick Brantseg
Magic Voice: Beez McKeever
also featuring:
Pearl Forrester: Mary Jo Pehl
TV's Frank: Frank Conniff
and:
Santa: Kevin Murphy
All MST3K characters and situations are trademarks of Best Brains, Inc.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only;
no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains,
Inc.
is intended or should be inferred.
No insults are intended to anyone refered to in this MiSTing.
Any alteration or reproduction of this MiSTing without permission or credit
is not appreciated. Please contact the author at the e-mail address provided
below.
based upon MST3K created by Joel Hodgson
special thanks to:
Jesus Christ, for making this holiday possible
all present and former employees of Best Brains, Inc., wherever they may be
Suz
the authors of the First Amendment
and last but not least, You, the reader
This MiSTing is dedicated to anyone who loves to laugh.
e-mail tj...@aol.com for comments, etc.
c2000 by Jim Whaley
>For three feet above the fireplace, Neelix's head hung on the wall.
a Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 production
http://ws9.mistings.org
-----------------
Read four whole seasons of Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000 at
http://home.nycap.rr.com/sft1b
401: Extreme Chaos
402: Sonic vs Mario
403: Flower's Quest
404: Here It Is
405: What's Q, Pussycat?
406: A Night in the Park
407: The Neelix Claus part 4: Tuvok the Snowman
408: The Neelix Claus part 5: Neelix the Red Faced Talaxian
Most of my MiSTings can be found easily on Web Site Number Nine,
located at http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k
Or go to my web site, The MSTerminal;
http://home.nycap.rr.com/sft1b
http://sft1b.mistings.org
-----------------
There *will* be a fifth season!
Jim W. (#90212)
my MiSTings and fanfiction:
http://members.aol.com/tjats/tjats.html
---
"I will believe in myself
This is the only start for me"
-Sonic Adventure
---
"Talented people are capable of understanding us."
-Lady Une