[MiSTing] "Star Speck: Toad of Honor" (1/1)
Tjats
Turn down your lights...(to lower your electric bill.)
In the not-too-distant future,
February of '99,
Pearl Forrester has kept Mike in pain,
And has done it for quite some time.
But now with the castle all blown up
Her ghostly ancestors have seen enough.
They saw that Pearl's plans were too diverse
So they sent her packing for the edges of the universe!
(PEARL: I'll be back!)
"I'll send Mike cheesy stories,
The worst ever made. (lalala)
He'll have to sit and read them all
So that my destiny can be saved." (lalala)
Now keep in mind Mike can't control
Which fanfic she'll send him next. (lalala)
He'll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his robot friends.
ROBOT ROLL CALL
CAMBOT ("Hit it!")
GYPSY ("Oh, my!")
TOM SERVO ("Find my eyes, I dare 'ya!")
CROOOOOOOW! ("You know you want me, baby!")
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
And other science facts, (lalala)
Repeat to yourself "It's Hypertime",
And then you can relax!
for Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000!
o...II...III...IV...V...VI...\
[SOL] Mike is alone on the bridge.
MIKE: Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm
Mike Nelson, and today is our annual invention exchange, since I can't
think of any really good inventions overnight and it takes me months
to make something.
[Crow, Servo and Gypsy enter from left]
CROW: Alright, Mike, whatcha got this year?
MIKE: Well, I invented... [pulls out what looks like a flat blue
plastic television with a white screen and a clip-on pen]
The Manga Doodle!
SERVO: Uh, Mike, it's the Mag*na* Doodle, and it's already been
invented.
MIKE: No, Servo, this is the Manga Doodle. What this does is teach
kids how to draw...Japanese style! It works just like the Magna
Doodle, but it alters a picture to make it look more Manga.
CROW: Huh?
MIKE: Watch.
[Mike sketches a stick figure. Within seconds the image alters into
a big-breasted redhead woman carying a bazooka and standing on top of
a giant robot.]
'BOTS: Oooh.
SERVO: I'm sure I can beat you. I invented fortune kahkis.
CROW: Fortune *kahkis*?
SERVO: Sure, see, they're bage pants that have messages stiched
inside. Mike?
[Mike grabs a seam stripper and undoes some fabric. He pulls out a
small piece of paper.]
MIKE: "Your pants are now ruined. Ha. Ha."
SERVO: Cool, huh?
CROW: Well, my invention doesn't borrow from something else. My
invention *is* something else.
GYPSY: What did you invent?
CROW: Lady and gentlemen, I have invented Michael J. Nelson version 2.0!
[Mike walks in from left.]
MIKE: Ack! It's...me!
MIKE 2.0[monotone]: Yes, only I am ten times as efficient and can
deliver thousands of witty remarks per nanosecond.
SERVO: Hey, cool.
MIKE: Crow, what did you go and invent me for?
CROW: I know one of you is enough, but I couldn't think of anything.
MIKE 2.0[monotone]: So when can I replace you?
MIKE: You won't, mister. Crow, you de-invent me right now.
CROW: Alright. [grabbs Mike] Come on, Mike 2.0.
MIKE: Crow, it's me! The real Mike! That guy's your invention.
CROW: Uh, oh.
SERVO: I can't tell them apart!
GYPSY: Plot Device #76.
MIKE 2.0[monotone]: Why, Dave, cannot you see that I am the real Mike?
CROW: My name's not Dave.
SERVO: Alright, question time. What's your name?
MIKE: Michael J. Nelson.
MIKE 2.0[monotone]: Michael J. Nelson version 2.0.
CROW: Alright, now we know! [grabs Mike and pulls him offstage]
MIKE: No, Crow, it's me!
CROW: Sure, sure...
SERVO: I hope that never happens again.
MIKE 2.0[monotone]: I agree, Dave.
*commercial sign*
SERVO: Hey, Gypsy, what did you invent?
GYPSY: I don't have any arms.
SERVO: ...Oh.
[commercials]
[SOL] Crow is poking Mike in the side with a screwdriver.
CROW: I thought there was a screw-off battery pack right here...
MIKE: Crow, stop it...ow!!!
*Mads' sign*
MIKE 2.0[monotone]: Mrs. F. is calling, Dave.
SERVO: That does it, I'm sick of this "2001" rip-off!
[Servo hauls in the projector from "The Projected Man" and toasts
Mike 2.0.]
MIKE 2.0[monotone]: Aaaaaaaaaaaa.
SERVO: Good ridance.
[Ten-Forward]
PEARL: Hey, James T. Nelson, check this out! The captain's holding
a special buffet for us and he's given me a special little machine
that can help with my fanfic finding.
[SOL]
MIKE: Geez, I can't believe Captain Picard would let someone like
her gain access to Usenet files.
CROW: I tell ya, people are a lot nicer on tv.
[T-F] Pearl is now sitting at a table with Bobo and Observer.
PEARL[fiddling with small remote]: He said it's supposed to hack
into our writer's files. Since we're all digitized Notepad scripts
on Jim's computer, getting other files should be no prob!
[SOL]
MIKE: Wait...*our* writer? Jim Whaley? Come on! He couldn't have
written bad fanfiction!
CROW: I dunno, Mike. Remember "The MiSTing Authors' Own Fanfics
Reviewed?"
MIKE: AAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!
[T-F]
PEARL: There we have it! [zap] I just sent "Star Speck: Toad of
Honor" to the theater. Enjoy!
[SOL] *movie sign*
ALL: It's bad Star Trek parody siiiiign!
\...VI...V...IV...III...II...o
[Mike and the 'Bots enter the theater]
>Star Speck
>Toad of Honor
CROW: A parody. Just what we need.
>Chapter One
>
>"CAPTAIN'S LOG STARDATE 42192.6.
SERVO: Not only is it in all caps but he uses a *completely legitimate*
stardate.
>The CENTERPRISE is approaching Tranbam III to steam aboard a frog
>to deliver to the Beghas colony on Frygel X, XXXII light-years away.
CROW: Steam a frog? That's first-degree murder and the staining of a
perfectly good laundry machine!
>Log entry out. Computer, replay log entry."
SERVO: So the story just keeps looping around forever.
> The bald captain relaxed in his chair as he heard his own
>voice on the log recorder.
CROW[as captain]: God I love listening to me.
>Suddenly, there was a beep at the door. Then, in walked Comander
>Whiliam Riper.
SERVO: Fine, just come right in. Don't wait for "come" or anything.
> "Good day, captain," the bearded first-officer said.
> "Humph," mumbled Pickard.
MIKE[as Pickard]: It's overcast and rainy.
SERVO: "Humph?"
>This was not one of his good days. "Are you still trying to convince
>me to let you borrow my dental floss?"
CROW: What?
> "Not today, sir. I just came to tell you that
SERVO: ...I got my *own* dental floss. And it's *mint*, too!
> the CENTERPRISE
MIKE: Agh! Don't shout like that!
> is in orbit around Tranbam III."
> "Good," said Pickard, sounding more cheerful. "When can we
>steam
CROW: ...my pants? They're getting wrinkly.
> up the frog?"
> "The frog needs a few more hours to prepare for his long
>voyage."
SERVO: Just poke some holes in his box and let a few flies in.
> "Ah. A couple of hours then?"
> "I guess, sir."
MIKE: But he's only going to take a few more minutes.
> "Very well, then."
>
> The transmorpher room was half full
CROW: Half empty!
> with people awaiting the frog's arival.
MIKE: Well, there's nothing else to do.
> Captain Pickard and Statea were anxious to see what the frog
>looked like.
SERVO: Well, they've got long back legs, they're green, and they
have lots of warts.
> Comander Riper was corious if he could play polker.
MIKE: Now the writer just wants to make everything sound goofy.
> Dr. Plaqueski was hoping that the frog had injuries of some
>kind so she could heal them.
CROW: Kind of goes agains the Hippocratic Oath, really.
> And Transmorpher Chief O'Cryin
SERVO: An Irish Rembrandt Brown!
> was attempting to rewire the transmorpher so when the frog beamed
>up, he would have his parts scattered around his body.
MIKE: This whole crew is corrupt!
> "When can we steam him up, chie-" Pickard noticed that the
>chief was peering into the guts of the transmorpher.
CROW[as O'Cryin]: Scalpel.
> "Chief. What the heck are you doing in there?!"
> "Sorry, sir. I found a minor problem, but it's fixed, now,"
>he lied.
SERVO: Rather obviously.
> "He's ready to be steamed."
CROW[as Pickard]: Make sure he's wearing a robe, Chief. We've got
ladies in the room.
> "Good. Enterhighze."
MIKE: That's not even a real word!
SERVO: Two pages in and this fanfic's killing me, Mike! I can't
take it!
> Suddenly, a cloud of bright blue dust appeared. Then it got
>larger, and larger, and the frog started appearing. Then, the dust
>faded, and there sat the frog on the transmorpher platform.
CROW: Yipee.
> "But...but that's just an ordinary frog..." Captain Pickard
>moaned, looking at the frog.
SERVO: What did you expect?
> "Darn," O'Cryin thought. "I STILL can't get people's atoms
>scrambled!"
> Then, the transmorpher quit humming.
> "Uh-oh! I must have switched the wires," he thought.
MIKE: Of course he did! It said so twelve lines ago!
> Everyone in the transmorpher room turned to O'Cryin.
CROW: It stopped humming because it was finished beaming! Or
steaming or whatever the hell you call it!
>
>
>
>Chapter Two
SERVO: Electric Bug-
MIKE: Shut up, Servo.
>
>"CHIEF, I KNOW HOW you like to mix-up people's atoms so when they
>appear,
CROW: ...they tend to shout for the first four words or so.
> their eyes are where their noses are supposed to be.
MIKE: Well, it *is* a trans*morpher.* You kind of expect it to do
that.
> Now, how are you going to fix the transmorpher?"
> O'Cryin's eyes shot across the captain's reading room for an
>excuse.
SERVO: For what? He just needs to know how you'll fix it.
> Then, his eyes fixed on the door beside the fishbowl leading to the
>captain's study.
MIKE[O'Cryin]: I wonder why they never showed that room on TV?
> "I'll have to go in the system to find out what's wrong,"
>he said.
CROW: That's not an excuse! Who wrote this crap?
MIKE: The same guy who's writing *our* crap! Now shut up and pay
attention!
> "I'll have to use a transmorpher from one of the bubbles to shrink
>me and beam me into the transmorpher."
SERVO: Assuming that's possible.
> "Very well, then. I'll get Statea and Georbe LaFloorgy to
>help you.
CROW: Yes, let's not leave anyone out of this stinkfest.
> Good luck."
> O'Cryin left, and the captain notified Statea and Georbe.
MIKE: Of what, you don't need to know.
>
> "I can't believe it. I just can't believe it," mumbled
>Doctor Plaqueski.
SERVO: Seinfeld is canceled. What am I going to do?
> "Why would a world honor an ordinary frog?"
CROW: The Japanese worship ball bearings.
MIKE: They do not.
> Ship's counselor Dewana Droit frowned, closed her eyes, and
>shook her
CROW: ...groove thang.
> head. "Let's ask the inhabitants of the Beghas colony on Frygel
>X when we get there."
MIKE: Frygel X is the twin brother of Planet X.
SERVO: Mike.
> "Good idea, counselor," the doctor said.
>
CROW: And while we're at it, let's cut to the even more rediculous
sub-plot.
> "Blueprints, blueprints, blueprints."
MIKE[blues singer]: I've got the blue...prints. So bad.
SERVO: Mike!
> Statea looked at Georbe and said, "Curious.
MIKE: It's Curious Georbe!
SERVO: MIKE! Cut your puns out!
>Why do you keep saying that?"
> "Because it helps me to remember what I'm looking for,"
>Georbe said.
> "And do you still know?"
> "Yes. It's...um...what was it again?"
ALL: Wah, wah, waaaaaaah.
> "The blueprints to the bubble's transmorpher."
> "Oh, yeah."
CROW: Why?
> Just then, the barfo bay doors slid open and in came
MIKE: Eww, I don't want to read any further.
> O'Cryin. "I thought that you would have found the blueprints by
>now," he said. "Here's lunch."
SERVO: How ironic; Lunch just came through the barfo bay doors.
CROW: Servo, you're making me sick.
>He set a tray of food on one of the barfo containers for Georbe.
>"I'll be back with your lunch, Statea. Good-bye," and he left.
MIKE: I don't mean to be picky, but Statea doesn't eat.
> Georbe walked over to the tray, picked up a sandwitch, and
>started eating it."
SERVO: ...And the plot advances one inch.
>
> "Captain," Lt. Ford said.
CROW: How do you get Ford from Worf?
SERVO: Because a Klingon is "like a rock!"
CROW: No.
> "We are now olny XIX light years away from Frygel X."
MIKE: What is this obsession with roman numerals?
SERVO: Hey, Crow, what's CXVII minus CMV?
CROW: Hmm...give me about VII minutes.
> "Excellent, Mr. Ford. Increase speed to warm eight point
>four," the captain said.
MIKE: Don't you mean "warm VIII point IV?"
> "Is Chief O'Cryin ready yet?"
> "No, sir."
CROW[as Ford]: He's still in the shower.
> "Well, tell Georbe and Statea that if they didn't find the
>blueprints to find-"
MIKE: ...me some Just for Men.
> "Captain! A ship approaching at high warm!"
CROW: They're really hot, sir!
> "Hale them, Mr. Ford."
SERVO: Send them the Skipper.
> "Haleing frequencies open, sir."
MIKE: Sir, we're going to have to get a bigger viewscreen.
> "This is Captain Jean-Stoop Pickard of the Starship-"
> "You have the honorary frog," a hideous voice said over the
>speakers. "We ask you to surrender him to us or else you and your
>ship will be totaled!"
SERVO[Alan Hale]: I want him for Gilligan's barbecue!
CROW: -DCCLXXXVIII!
SERVO: Huh?
CROW: The total of CXVII minus CMV.
MIKE: I'll total you if you don't come with.
[Mike and the 'Bots leave the theater.]
[commercials]
Jim, that Mistie
#90212
http://members.aol.com/tjats/tjats.html
Why can't they kill off Anakin in Episode II?
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My next MiSTing: ep. 304-"Star Speck: Toad of Honor"
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***8 episodes left.***