<MSTing> 2/5 "Bloodlines"
the...@my-dejanews.com
The story so far...
Mike and the bots have escaped the clutches of Evil Mike, with the help of
Torgo the White. To buy them time, Torgo has used the power of... the
Ma-A-aster... to divert the fanfic to Beavis and Butthead.
You buyin' this?
OPEN ON: Beavis & Butthead's living room. The fanfic comes through on the TV.
>
> Its 8,225 B.C.
BUTTHEAD: Do you know where your children are?
BEAVIS: Heh-heh. Yeah. They're like, at the Kwik-E-Mart, stuffing
nachos in their pants.
> and a tribe is fighting for is life aginst
> demons and other forces.
BUTTHEAD (chortling): You made a cheese log.
BEAVIS (chortling): Heh-heh. Yeah. Chili dog. Heh-heh, heh.
BUTTHEAD: Cocktail wiener.
Both chortle at double speed.
> They are being pushed back
> farther and father from their home land. They retreat to
> the north to a land now called Ireland and Scotland.
BEAVIS: Hey Butthead, is this like, "Braveheart"? Maybe we'll see guys
throwing rocks at each other and stuff.
BUTTHEAD: Cool! Throwing stuff rules!
>
> A lone man that was not of their tribe came to them out of
> the darkness to help them.
BEAVIS (chuckling): Heh-heh. Hey, Butthead, check it out.
Close on Beavis. He cocks his head, pumps his arms and screams.
BEAVIS: But you can't take away, our FREEEEEEEDOM! FREEEED-
Butthead smacks Beavis upside the head
BEAVIS: Ahhhhh!
BUTTHEAD: Dammit, Beavis, that sucked when that Mel Costner
buttmunch screamed it. What makes you think I wanna hear you do it?
BEAVIS: Oh. Yeah. You gotta point there, Butthead.
> With him he broght news of a
> woman worrior that was to be born among them that would
> have the ability to fight the demons that had pushed them
> so far north and that had persued them as well.
BEAVIS: Hey! Hey! Xena, Butthead! Xena!
BUTTHEAD: YES!
Cut to: Two shot, Beavis and Butthead wave their fists in the air,
banging their heads.
BUTTHEAD: Xena kicks ass!
> Life goes
> on and the man takes a wife that he cares for but does not
> particterly love.
BEAVIS: Dammit, screw love. Get to the fight! Fight! Fight!
> In the next two years life is good but
> the woman has not shown
BUTTHEAD: Uhh... wait a minute...
BEAVIS: No, that sounds pretty cool, Butthead. His wife didn't show,
so it's like, you can get married, and still get chicks.
BUTTHEAD: Yeah, but like, who's going fix us nachos and flush the
toilet and change the channel on the TV when stuff sucks?
> so the man tells them of a nother
> worrior and that when he showes up the girl will be born
> to the tribe.
BEAVIS: Dammit, stop talking already! Fight! Xena would've kicked
twenty asses by now.
BUTTHEAD: Yeah. This show's starting to piss me off.
Butthead uses the remote. The screen goes static, then the fanfic
comes back on.
> Two days after ten man has told his proficy
BUTTHEAD (groaning): Oh, no.
BEAVIS: Wow, cool. Tin man! The Wizard of Oz, Butthead, check it
out.
CUT to one-shot of Beavis
BEAVIS (sings): If I only had a schlong! Heh-heh, heh.
CUT to one-shot of Butthead.
BUTTHEAD: Dammit, The Wizard of Oz isn't cool, wipe jockey. It sucks
almost as much as that Phantom Tollbooth crap.
> a strange man showes up and on that very day
BEAVIS: No way, Butthead. Oz rules! Why do you think Ozzy's so cool?
'Cuz it's like, he gets dark powers from Oz! He's got, like, a whole
horde of those satanic flying monkeys, and at concerts he lets'em out,
and they poop on the audience and stuff. And then he bites the heads
off munchkins, and...
BUTTHEAD: Beavis? If you ever repeat that to anyone we know, I am
going to beat the living crap out of you.
> the first
> mans wife has a female child with a couirous birth mark on
> her lower back.
BUTTHEAD: Ozzy's probably on his way here right now to kick your ass
for saying that.
BEAVIS: That's cool, I'll just hide behind the curtain, ya know.
Butthead stares at Beavis.
> The birth mark is a small red splouch in
> the shape of a rose on fire.
BUTTHEAD: What the hell are you talking about, buttmunch?
BEAVIS: Well, I'm just sayin', ya know, when Ozzy comes, I'll just
hide behind the curtain, then when he comes in, I'll go,
CUT TO one-shot of Beavis speaking loudly.
BEAVIS: PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN! AND KICK
BUTTHEAD IN THE NADS! HEH-HEH! YEAH! HEH-HEH! AGAIN! KICK HIM
AGAIN! STOMP ON HIM!
CUT TO two-shot. Butthead smacks Beavis upside the head twice.
BEAVIS: Ahhhh! AHHHHHH!
>
>
> The first man greted the second and they exchange names.
BEAVIS (woozy from being hit): Whoa, what happened?
BUTTHEAD: Uhhh... I beat the crap out of you for being a dork.
BEAVIS: Whoa! I had the strangest dream. And you were there,
Butthead.
>
> "Caine" the first man says in a dark voice.
BEAVIS: Whoa! And he was there too!
>
> "Dumas" the second replies.
BEAVIS: "Dumbass"?! Whoa! Him too! Yeah! We were all dressed in
weird clothes, wayward travellers, having remarkable adventures, trying
to find our way home.
BUTTHEAD: Beavis?
BEAVIS: And then, like, the ship hit an iceberg! And there weren't
enough lifeboats! And aliens blew up the White House!
BUTTHEAD: Why do I even bother kicking the snot out of you?
> They shake hands, look each
> other in the eyes and see somthing in the others eyes that
> makes them not human.
BUTTHEAD (groaning): Oh, no. It's that... uhhhh... Crapstreet Boys
video for, like, Rocky Horror or something.
BEAVIS: Change it, Butthead. Change it!
Butthead uses the remote. The screen goes static, then the fanfic
comes back on.
>
> They know each others history
BUTTHEAD: History sucks.
BEAVIS: Wait, Butthead. Maybe it's, like, E! Entertainment Television,
and it's the History of Victoria's Secret Boobs, or something.
BUTTHEAD (catching on): Oh, yeah. Uh-huh-huh. If it's 36D, then it's
on E!
Both chortle.
> their past is mard with
> darkness but they strive for redemption every moment of
> their lives
BUTTHEAD: Dammit, there's no boobs here, dumbass. It's just about
returning empties for money.
BEAVIS: Well, I don't know, Butthead. Money's pretty cool.
BUTTHEAD: Yeah, but this kind of money involves work.
BEAVIS: AAUGH!
Beavis stabs at the remote still in Butthead's hand. The screen goes
static, then the fanfic comes back on.
> and this child is the begining of a long ,long
> friendship.
BUTTHEAD (heated): Do that again and this remote is passing up your
bunghole, bunghole!
BEAVIS: Well, that's not that bad, Butthead. I mean, it's like, you
won't touch something that's up my butt.
BUTTHEAD: You won't touch it either, fartknocker! It's up your butt!
BEAVIS: 'S'OK, it's like, I could probably still get a finger up
there, or something.
>
> "The slayer of vampires is born to the very man that
> created the kindred. How ironic." Dumas rumbled in a
> lashing voice.
>
BEAVIS: So what, now Buffy's in this? This video is confusing.
BUTTHEAD: Yeah. I mean, it was cool when Xena was in it, but then she
just talked about marking her birth and the history of empties, and it
was like, what the hell is this crap?
BEAVIS: Well, maybe Dumbass will, like, drive a stake through a
vampire's butt. Yeah, that'd be cool. Hnh-hnh.
> Caine groweld under his breth not wanting to make a seane
> in front of these people that trusted him.
BEAVIS: Well, dammit, if you didn't want to be seen doing anything,
it's like, why the hell did you make a video in the first place?
BUTTHEAD: Yeah. This guy is like that Sting buttmunch. He could
sell, like, twenty million records, and still when he makes a video
he's like-
CUT to one-shot of BUTTHEAD
BUTTHEAD (pretending to be an English fop): Uh- verilee, you are all
such dumbasses. Prithee, leave me to my lilac baths and scented
candles on the loo.
> He debated
> wether or not to even make the snide coment he had thought
> of at that moment and decied to go with it.
BEAVIS: Yeah! Yeah! Dammit, it pisses me off that that candy-ass
Sting would rip the name off a fine upstanding individual like that
wrestling guy Sting!
BUTTHEAD: Yeah, but I heard that wrestling Sting ripped off that woman
from Kiss, that, uh, Jean Simmons chick?
BEAVIS: Whoa! Jean Simmons? That "Sweatin' to the Oldies" guy?
He was in Kiss? No way!
> "How ironic can
> it be
BEAVIS: Yeah! Yeah! Alanis! Heh-heh! Cool!
BUTTHEAD (as seductively as that bunghole can): Ah, Alanis. I see the
four of you, driving down that wintry, lonely road to nowhere. Listen
to your heart, Alanis. COME to Butthead.
> for an all powerfull Dragon that does nothing to
> save these people whin he very well has the power to do
> so.
BUTTHEAD: I am the black fly in her chardonnay. Uh-huh-huh, huh.
BEAVIS: Heh-heh. Yeah. Me too. I won the lottery, and died the next
day.
> I'll tell you. Not that ironic at all."
BUTTHEAD: Dumbass says you're not ironic, Beavis.
BEAVIS: Gaah, no way! I'm like, um, ten thousand spoons, when all you
need is love, or something.
> Caine uttered
> in so low a voice that only Dumas heared his words. Whil
> this conversation was going on the tribe was celebrating
> the berth of the first Slayer.
BUTTHEAD: VH1 presents, "Behind the Music" with Slayer.
BEAVIS: Whoa! Cool! Really?
BUTTHEAD: Uh... no, Beavis. That show only does stuff that sucks,
like Meatloaf, the Beach Boys, Cyndi Lauper...
BEAVIS: Dammit! If they've gotta do stuff that sucks, it's like, why
can't they just do it one show and get it over with?
BUTTHEAD: Yeah. Get all the stuff that sucks out the way with one
sucky show, where all you do is talk about how much they suck.
>
> "You'r going to be her mentor Dumas."
BEAVIS: The freshmaker! Heh-heh.
BUTTHEAD: Mentos piss me off. Every time I put one in my mouth, it's
like, what the hell is this crap supposed to be?
> Caine confesed. This
> cought Dumas off gaurd.
>
BEAVIS: Yeah, I know what you mean, Butthead. It's like, it's not a
LifeSaver, so you can't make lightning come out of your mouth or anything.
BUTTHEAD: Yeah, and it's not gum, so you can't stick it between the
pages of Daria's personal journal.
> "What, I thought it was you." Dumas replied in an
> exasperated tone.
>
> "NO, I'm the some what the father."
BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD: Dun-dun-daaaaaaah!
BUTTHEAD: Why don't these asswipes see this coming?
BEAVIS: Yeah! I mean, you'd think, after the hundredth time, that a
bad guy turns out to be the good guy's father, it's like, they'd start
taking a look at their birth certificate before picking a fight!
>
> "What do you mean by some what the father was ther another
> man with your wife."
BEAVIS: Oooooo, yeah. Hn-hnh, hn.
>
> "No, No other man.
BEAVIS: Oooooo, yeah. Hnh-hnh. Heather has two hot mommas.
BUTTHEAD: It's a very special Jerry Springer.
> Its that I can't father childern not
> since I became Kindred and you know that!" Dumas was going
> to cut in.
BUTTHEAD: Ya know, watching Jerry, and those lesbian boxing stripper
whores he has on, makes ME feel pretty special. Uh-huh-huh.
BEAVIS: Heh-heh, yeah, I know what you mean Butthead. He makes you
feel like each show was made just with you in mind, and he has this way
of looking right in the camera when he smiles, and it's like he's
smiling just for you.
BUTTHEAD looks at Beavis.
> "Now let me finish will you." Dumas nodds. "I
> belive it was Michel that made this posible. He has the
> power and he's the only Angel that is willing to help me
> have as normal a life as I can.
BEAVIS: Makes you feel really, very special.
BUTTHEAD (laughing): You're a lesbian, Beavis.
BEAVIS: Shut up, asswipe! I am not! I'm just like, sensitive and
stuff, so chicks'll dig me. Yeah! Then I'll score! Hnh-hnh! And
that'll RULE!
> Because I'm no demon you
> know that to but what I'm trying to say is that I'm part
> Angel because of where my blood comes from, Michel made me
> with his blood do you understand."
>
BUTTHEAD: You're never going to score, buttmunch! If a chick ever saw
you act like that, she'd cold-cock you, kick you in the head and feed
your nads to her dog.
> All Dumas could do was stare at Caine in shock. This
> Dragon had thought that the Kindred were Deamons with
> actule emotions and nothing more.
BEAVIS: Gah, no way! I saw it on, like, Sally Jesse Jackson. Chicks
want someone to, um, listen to them, and understand their problems,
and-
BUTTHEAD: Dammit, Beavis, you think chicks are hanging off Snoop Doggy
Dog 'cuz he listens to them? They could tell him they were on fire and
he'd be like,
ONE-SHOT of Butthead
BUTTHEAD: You think you're on fire now, baby? Just wait 'til later
tonight. Uh-huh-huh, huh, huh.
> Now he knew just why
> they were split in to two sides and the reason for their
> pasion for any thing they do no mater it good or evil.
BEAVIS: Dumbass is right, Butthead. Chicks want a guy with two sides,
and like, passion for evil!
BUTTHEAD: Chicks want guys with cool cars and money, rimwad! I told
you to stop watching that wussy feminist crap and stick to music
videos.
BUTTHEAD presses remote several times. Static occurs each time and the
fanfic comes back on.
> This also led to why he was here and that was because a
> guardia was need for this new type of angel and what beter
> than an all powerful Dragon.
BEAVIS: Hey, Butthead. Didn't we change this a couple of times
already? It's like, on every channel! What's the deal?
BUTTHEAD: Uhhhhhhh... I think it's like one of those, public-ital
debates, or something. Like when that Billy Carter dude talks about
his bitch in the twenty-first century?
>
> And so the first Watcher was chosen for the first Slayer.
BEAVIS: So this has been, like, Xena, debating Buffy? I'm
disappointed, Butthead. I would have expected a lot more ass-kicking
than this.
BUTTHEAD: Well, maybe it's like, they're in different weight classes,
or something?
BEAVIS: Oh, yeah. Hn-hn. So like, maybe Gabrielle's got to take
Xena's place, and show the world, and herself, what she's made of.
BUTTHEAD: Cool! Gabrielle rules! She's, uh-huh-huh, the chick with
the stick.
Both chortle.
> He an Angel of the earth and she a kind of hybread of
> Human and Kindred a new kind of worrior for the God and
> Godess.
BUTTHEAD: They're building it up. It's gonna start any minute now.
Gabrielle's probably swinging her stick backstage.
BEAVIS: Hn-hn. Hey, Butthead. I'm getting ready to swing my stick.
Both chortle.
> For to save the world they must combind their
> power.
BEAVIS: Combine their power! Whoa! It's a tag team match against
Pacific Blue and the Baywatch babes!
BUTTHEAD (wide-eyed): This will be the coolest thing that hath ever
happened, Beavis.
> One must train the young FireRose the other will be
> her lover.
BEAVIS (wide-eyed, shaking): Gaaaah, turn it up, Butthead. Turn it up.
BUTTHEAD : This will be the highlight of our entire lives.
Butthead presses the volume control on the remote all the way up.
>
> To be continued
BEAVIS and BUTTHEAD scream in frustration at the top of their lungs.
BEAVIS: GAAAH, YOU RUINED IT, WIPE MONKEY!
BUTTHEAD: Shut up, fartknocker, or I'll jam your teeth up your butt
while they're still in your mouth!
Beavis and Butthead beat the living crap out of each other.
>FireRose's Stories
>The Archive
---------------------------------------------------------------------
DOOR SEQUENCE- Cambot goes up through the lid of a toilet, goes toward
the shower curtains which separate, travels over the curtain rod then
through the opening bathroom door, approaches Beavis and Butthead
sitting on the couch from the side, travels in Butthead's left ear and
out the other, in Beavis's ear then out his nostril, goes out the front
door, hikes a sharp right, then another, to the opening living room
window, which then presents us with our normal front view of the two
buttmunches on the couch.
ANGLE ON: Couch. Beavis and Butthead are seated, and still. Nothing
remarkable, the set is as ugly as usual. Wait, it's been ten seconds
now, nothing's happened. What the hey-? Hello? Mr. Judge? Is your
mike on? Fifteen seconds- criminy! Finally Magic Voice saves us.
MAGIC VOICE: And now, for the first time on television. Butthead.
Beavis. The Poetry of Gertrude Stein.
Title Graphic is superimposed, confirming that yes, indeed, it's "THE
POETRY OF GERTRUDE STEIN". The graphic fades away. Time
passes. Somewhere on earth another child is born, somewhere children
shout. Finally one of the buttmunches speaks.
BUTTHEAD (laughing): Pigeons.
BEAVIS: Hnh-hnh. Yeah. Hnh-hnh, hnh.
A few more precious moments slip away. The red panda, placid in its
domain, consumes another meal of leaves and grasses.
BEAVIS (hammering his fists, and chanting): Pigeons, pigeons, pigeons!
BUTTHEAD: Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh.
When planting roses, always dig a hole twice as big as the roots.
CLOSE UP on Beavis.
BEAVIS: PIGEONS ON THE GRASS, DAMMIT!
Back to two-shot.
BUTTHEAD (laughing): Huh-huh-yeah. Pigeons on the grass, my ass.
BEAVIS (getting agitated): Gaaaaaah, I hate'm! Sons a bitches!
BUTTHEAD: Whoa! Settle down, Beavis.
BEAVIS (shaking head wildly): N-n-n-n-n-NO! It's like, the pigeons,
they're on the grass, and that's the grass where I walk, and they're-
they're pooping on the grass! And I can't see it! I walk across the
grass, and- maybe it's to the left. Maybe it's to the right. Maybe
it's right there, and I just stepped in it! AAUGH, I stepped in
pigeon poop! AAUGH!
Butthead whacks Beavis upside the head.
BUTTHEAD: Dammit, Beavis, stop acting like a puss.
BEAVIS: AUGH, I'LL KILL YOU, PIGEON STROKER!
The two roll on the floor fighting.
CUT TO: The House of Pain. Evil Mike is staring into the monitor,
dumbstruck, horrified, this can't possibly be happening. He almost
wants to cry. In other words, TV's Frank Look #43.
EVIL MIKE: No! (Evil Mike checks his instruments, looks to the left
and the right for anyone to help him.) No! What are you doing?
CUT TO: Beavis is choking Butthead, who is grabbing Beavis's hair.
The two look into the screen, wide-eyed.
BUTTHEAD: Uhhhh...
EVIL MIKE (on screen): Where are my prisoners? The fireplug? The
dairy rube? That- that bowling trophy thing? (pointing a gun at them
through the screen) I need them for my master plan, now where are
they?!
Beavis and Butthead's eyes are immense as they stare at the screen.
BEAVIS: Hey, Butthead. Is that, like, Principal McVicker? I thought
he lived at school.
BUTTHEAD: Shut up, fartknocker! The TV's talking to me. (to TV)
Uhhhhhh. I think they had to, like, leave, or something.
BEAVIS: Hey, Butthead! If he's on TV, maybe he knows the guy that
held Janet Jackson's thingies in that video that one time!
BUTTHEAD (catching on): Oh, yeah.
CUT TO House of Pain.
EVIL MIKE (really channeling Shatner now): Shut up! Shut- your stupid-
mouths- before- I carve- a mail slot- into- your imbecillic- throats!
BUTTHEAD (laughing): He said "slot".
We hear Beavis and Butthead chortle. Evil Mike, fuming, fires his
gun repeatedly into the monitor.
CUT TO: Beavis and Butthead, reduced to two smoldering piles of ashes.
BUTTHEAD (laughing as pile of ashes): That was cool.
Beavis and Butthead's ashes laugh.
Commercial - This is not your father's Oldsmobile.
<End Part II>
Nothing's impossible! I taught my dog to say "I e-mailed you"!
peasporr...@hotmail.com
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