[MiSTing] Captain N - The Gamemaster: Cavern of Fate [NC-17, Lemon]
Freezer
was the most fun I've had doing a misting in a long while. After
slogging through page after page of cluelessly self-absorbed
self-inserts, fics that may or may not have been originally written in
English, and some of the sloppiest writing I've ever seen this side of
2nd-Grade English, it's damn good to delve into some good ol' goofy
fluff. You'd think there'd be more "Captain N" fiction out there,
given what a cult following it has. Maybe I'm just looking in the
wrong places.
Then again if this piece of lemony insanity is a representative piece,
maybe I shouldn't look much harder?
Anyway, on with the disclaimers:
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and all related characters are the
property of Best Brains, Inc.
"The Cavern of Fate" belongs to Andrew Troy Keller. Captain N belongs
to Nintendo and DIC. Neither was involved in the making of this
misting, and that... Is a good thing.
And as always, comments/C&C/flames/death threats can be directed to
mysterysci...@yahoo.com
WARNING: This MiSTing contains riffs referring to, inspired by, and/or
ripped off from Super Metroid, Babylon 5, ADVENTURERS!, "Blazing
Saddles", NFL Films, and Uresei Yatsura. >>
<Season 3 theme song. Sing along! You know the words!>
[We open with Crow and Tom sitting by behind the SOL's bridge desk]
CROW: Okay, try this one: The eight castle monsters from the
original "Legend of Zelda" not counting Ganon. Name 'em!
TOM: Cake! In order: Aquamentus, Dodongo, Manhandla, Two-headed
Gleeok, Digdogger, Ghoma, Aquamentus _again!_, and the four
-headed Gleeok! And right back atcha! Locations of ALL
the shops that carry large shields - _Second_ quest.
[In pops Joel]
JOEL: Hey. everybody! Welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Joel
Robinson, and behind my are my robot buddies, Tom Servo and
Crow T. Robot.
BOTS: Wazaaaap!
JOEL: In case you were wondering what the deal with the Nintendo quiz
is; Frank gave us a heads up that today's experiment was going
to be based on the old "Captain N" cartoon. So the bots are
prepping themselves with some oldschool gaming trivia. Let's
watch...
CROW: Okay, question for the group: "Secret of Mana" was originally
"Seiken Densetsu II" in Japan. So where was Seiken Densetsu I?
JOEL: Don't look at me! I was an arcade guy!
TOM: Good question. I'm stumped.
CROW: Damn... I was kinda hoping one of you knew the answer...
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial Sign in twenty seconds. And for the record,
Seiken Densetsu I was released in the US as "Final Fantasy
Adventure" for the Gameboy, Seiken Densetsu III was never
translated, and IV was released on the Playstation as "Legend
of Mana".
ALL: Thanks, Magic Voice!
MAGIC VOICE: Any time guys! Commercial sign now!
JOEL: We'll be right back!
[Commercial: UPN presents "Game Over!" If you loved "Reboot," you'll
absolutely _loathe_ this!]
{We return to see Joel standing in between Tom and Crow}
TOM: Okay, who was hotter: Princess Zelda or Princess Peach? I say
Peach.
CROW: Puhleeze! Peach was a tease! Zelda all the way!]
JOEL: I've always been partial to Samus Aran, myself...
TOM: Hmmm... I can see that.
CROW: Mmmm... "Justin Bailey" code...
[The "Mads light" starts flashing]
JOEL: Uh, oh. Minds out of the gutter! Dr. Wiley and King Hippo are
calling.
[Cut to the standard shot of Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank]
DR.F: Greetings, my little joysticks...
FRANK: [Interrupting] Heeeey... Did they just call you "King Hippo?"
DR.F: [Shoots Frank a contemptuous look] Try and keep up with the
group, Frank. [Turning back towards the camera] Now then,
cutting right to the chase, our experiment exchange today
falls under the heading "Happy Accident."
FRANK: Y'see... We were trying to re-create that gizmo in "The
Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy" that made people's underwear
jump two feet to the left. We figured if the thing would work
at all, it would make one hell of a wedgie-maker. Turns out
the stupid thing would only work on one part of someone's
clothing. Outer... And upper body only. Sad really...
DR.F: We were going to toss the silly thing on the scrap heap, until
we saw this month's challenge in the Mad Scientist Newsletter:
"Base an invention on 'A certain Super Bowl Halftime fiasco'."
So we dug this puppy back out, [Brandishes what looks like a
cordless screwdriver with the grille from a mini-desktop fan
glued on], tweaked the event radius a bit and... PRESTO!
{Dr. F points the device at Frank, and with a "zapping" sound, a
patch of Frank's jacket falls off... Exposing Frank's right nipple.}
FRANK: We give you... THE WARDROBE MALFUNTIONER!
[Cut back to the SOL bridge, showing just Tom and Crow.]
TOM: Topical... Yet disturbing.
CROW: At least he's not sporting a nipple shield...
[D13]
MADS: Working on it!
[SOL]
CROW: Eww... Well anyway, our invention today is based on the
premise that those "personal defense sprays" - y'know, pepper
spray and the like - can be have a pleasant aftertaste while
paralyzing your assailant with burning pain.
TOM: We came up with a pretty decent-tasting formula... Wasn't as
painful as we would've liked, but it came with side effects
that were just as effective
JOEL: [Offscreen] Darn right, I won't!
CROW: Joel, you're the only one who can demonstrate the spray's
effects, seeing as how you're the only one here with a
respiratory system and all...
JOEL: [Offscreen] I don't care! I'm not doing it! Just tell them
what it does!
TOM: We thought you might feel that way... That's why we set Gypsy
up with a double dose of the stuff and told her to sneak up on
you. HIT IT, GYPS!!
GYPSY: [Yes, Offscreen] FIRE IN THE HOLE! <Sound of an aerosol spray
blast>
{Suddenly, Joel appears on screen... Dancing}
JOEL: [Still dancing] o/~ I'm a pepper, he's a pepper, she's a
pepper, we're all peppers! Wouldn't you like to be a pepper,
too! o/~ [Leaps off-screen]
CROW: Sirs, we give you: Dr. Pepper Spray.
TOM: Neat, huh?
[D13]
DR.F: [To himself] Effective, yet embarrassing... I like it. [Out
loud] Anyway, your experiment is a piece of cartoon/video
game/lemon-flavored ball of goofiness called "The Cavern of
Fate."
FRANK: And it's _your_ fate to suffer through it! Have fun!
[SOL - Movie Sign flashing]
TOM: Joel! Joel - quit prancing and come on! WE GOT LEMON SIGN!!!
[All scurry off]
[ 1 ]...[ 2 ]...[ 3 ]...[ 4 ]...[ 5 ]...[ 6 ]...[ * ]
[Joel and The Bots take their seats]
CROW: You got some pretty fancy moves there, Robinson!
JOEL: Never speak of that again...
> Disclaimer:Captain N,The Game Master belongs to DIC and
> Nintendo.This story is not-for-profit,
JOEL: [Author] But I wouldn't say no to a Pay Pal donation or six...
> but I own it.
TOM: [Author] So NYAAH!!!
> ------
CROW: "Six dashes" raves "Entertainment Weekly!"
> THE CAVERN OF FATE
> By:Andrew Troy Keller
CROW: AKA "Please stop calling me Helen!"
> While zooming through the skies over the world known as
> Videoland,Kevin Keene(AKA Captain N)
TOM: BKA "Captain Kick-Me!"
> had noticed that Space Hunter Samus Aran's Metroid Cruiser is
> almost out of power and has to be recharged.
JOEL: How'd he notice that?
CROW: Probably picked up on the subtle sound of Samus's call of
"MAYDAY! MAYDAY!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HAAAAAAAALP!!"
> And so,after they had landed,Kevin and the N Team
TOM: Who were absolutely NOT planning on killing Captain N and hiding
his body in a swamp, nosiree!
> had stepped out of the ship and walked into a nearby cave to get
> the one thing that would power Samus' cruiser
CROW: Booze!
> --Powerstones.
CROW: Oh...
> "Whoa!I don't believe it!",said an amazed
JOEL: Yet still rock-stupid...
> Kevin,while looking at the Powerstones."These little rubies
> really do power-up your ship,Samus?"
>
> "Yes,Kevin.",answered Samus,after she had started collecting the
> stones."Each one of these puppies could power-up the cruiser for
> ten whole Earth years."
JOEL: [Kevin] So why are we grabbing so many of them?
CROW: [Samus] Because I feed them to the metroid that’s actually
powering myyiiiiiiI... mean... "You can never have too many?"
Tee-hee?
> But then,a bunch of shadows had appeared from out of nowhere and a
> familiar voice said,
TOM: [Mr. Morden] Hello, Samus. Reconsidered our offer, yet?
> "Of course,provided that you live long enough to see it happen!"
>
> And after they had turned towards the cave,they were shocked to
> discover that Mother Brain and her cronies had found them again.
JOEL: Well of course they found you! You're cartoon heroes, they're
cartoon villains. You could stop on opposite sides of the
Atlantic, and end up getting swallowed by the same whale!
> "DESTROY THEM!",ordered a gleeful Mother Brain,
CROW: Lex Luthor, in a role that will surprise you.
> as her thugs began their attack on the N Team.
>
> But then,while Samus,Kevin's dog,Duke and Kid Icarus were holding
> off Mother Brain's goons,Kevin had took Princess Lana by the hand
> and dragged her away from the combat zone.
TOM: [Samus] <SIGH!> Captain Beat-Cheeks took off again!
JOEL: [Kid Icarus] Well at least he took Princess Bullet Magnet with
him, this time...
TOM: [Samus] <COUGH!>forgotyourcutesyspeechimpediment<COUGH!>
JOEL: [Kid Icarus] Sorry... "This time-icus!"
> Suddenly,both Kevin and Lana had found themselves inside a dead-end
> cave.
CROW: A dead end...
ALL: OF FATE!
> "Sorry,Lana.Looks like I've made a wrong turn.",said an embarressed
> Kevin."So,now what?"
TOM: You die. The end.
> "Quite simple,Kevin.",answered Lana,while pointing towards the cave
> opening."We go out and take a right turn."
JOEL: [Kevin] You mean towards those signs that say "No Monsters
Here!","Perfectly Safe!", and "Would We Lie?"
> But before they had a chance to do so,the opening had sealed itself
> shut,trapping the duo inside the cave.
ALL: Dun dun DUUUUN!!!
> And then,a strange voice from out of nowhere said,"Welcome,Kevin
> Keene and Princess Lana!Welcome to the Cavern of Fate!"
CROW: Boy! David Blaine's getting desperate!
> "Who are you?",asked a confused Kevin."And why are you keeping us
> prisoner?"
TOM: [Cave] So no one will hear your screams of ag... Agk...
ACCOLADES! As I show you your FATE! Yeah... That's the ticket!
> "Prisoners?",asked the also-confused voice."Oh no,my children!You
> are not in a prison!This is a place where you'll be shown what your
> fate is!"
JOEL: [Cave] And that fate is... CANCELLATION! BWAAAHAHAHA!!
> And then,Lana had placed herself next to Kevin and asked,"And what
> is our fate?"
JOEL: [Cave] What are you, deaf? "Cancellation. Bwah ha ha ha."
> The answer to that question had came soon enough,for a glowing mist
> had suddenly started to fill the cavern.
TOM: Their fate is zyklon gas? Harsh!
> And as soon as the mist was already inside the cavern,both Kevin
> and Lana had suddenly looked at each other like they had a special
> need for each other.
TOM: [Lana] Kevin, I need you... To show me the thirty-man Contra
code!
JOEL: [Kevin] Lana, I need you... To show me how to fold fitted
sheets!
> "We have been here for countless eons for only one purpose--to show
> the citizens of this land what their fates are!",said the
> voice,
CROW: [Cave] And by the gods, are you people DULL!
> before Kevin and Lana had kissed each other ever so
> passionately on the lips.
ALL: Uh oh!
> "Kevin Keene and Princess Lana,you are both destined to love and be
> with each other!That is your fate!"
JOEL: [Lana] Well DUH!
TOM: [Kevin] Yeah! I'm the smart-alec hero, she's the plucky heroine!
Forget "fate!" It's like Fighters and White Mages; it's
practically assumed!
> And then,after they had removed each other's clothes,Kevin had
> started licking Lana's nude body--all the way down to her suddenly
> hot,wet pussy.
JOEL: I call no "cat" riffs!
TOM: Aw...
CROW: [Cave] Aphrodisiac gas and web cams! "Madness," they said! I'll
show them! I'll show them all!
JOEL:[Kevin] We can hear you, you know!
CROW: [Cave] Oh, poopie!
> "No,Kevin!Please,don't!Stop!",said Lana,before she had finally
> succumbed to the effects of the strange mist."Aaaahhhh!Please,don't
> stop!"
TOM: Peach Princess presents: "The Cavern of Fate!"
> Meanwhile,outside the cavern,both Samus and Kid Icarus were being
> pinned down by Mother Brain's trigger-happy thugs.
<All start sing Weird Al's "Trigger Happy.">
> "Oh,this is just great!",said a sarcastic Kid Icarus."Now what do
> we do?"
CROW: [Samus] AHEM!
JOEL: [Kid Icarus] Er.. "Do-icus!"
TOM: [Samus, bored] Hmm... Should I use a Super Bomb? Charged Plasma
Wave? Maybe get fancy and plow through them with a Speed
Charge?
JOEL: [Kid Icarus] Psst! Samus! You're 8-bit, not 16-bit!
TOM: [Samus] Oh, hell... We're screwed!
> Just then,after she had looked up at the stalagtites on the ceiling
> and down at the League of Darkness,Samus had gotten an idea.
CROW: [Samus] I really want a fudgecicle!
> "Just do yourself a favor,Kid.",said Samuds,after she had aimed her
> Metriod Blaster at the stalagtites."And stay behind me."
TOM: [Samus] And if you touch my butt again, you're a projectile.
Comprende?
> And with that,Samus had fired her blaster at the
> stalagtites,causing them to fall real hard on the heads of Mother
> Brain and her good squad.
JOEL: [Samus] All right, folks! Let's wipe 'em out!
> After they had dug themselves out of the rubble,Mother Brain had
> looked at her stormtroopers and ordered,"BACK TO THE COMPLEX!"
TOM: [Mother Brain] RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
CROW: [Random Goon] Wait! Why are we running!?! If that's the best
they can do, we can take them easy!
TOM: [Mother Brain, teeth gritted] We're running before Samus
remembers she can shoot _US_ as well as stalagtites...
CROW: [Goon] ...Running like a teenage slasher victim, Ma'am!
> And after the other Leaguers had left,an enraged Mother Brain had
> turned towards both Samus and Kid Icarus and growled,"You may had
> won the battle,but not the war!We will meet again!",before
> rejoining her troops in retreat.
JOEL: And for Mother Brain and the Green Bay Packers, there would
be... Another day!
> Meanwhile,back inside the Cavern of Fate,even though they were
> under the influence of the mist,both Kevin and Lana had suddenly
> realized that they were experiencing something that was new to the
> both of them.
CROW: Live porn!
> They were experiencing pure,untamed erotica and enjoying every
> minute of it.
TOM: And here I thought they were having fog-fueled sex. Silly me!
> Just then,after he had placed his stiff cock inside her
> asshole,Kevin had used each of his hands to caress both her breasts
> and pussy.
JOEL: Both hands in both places? At the same time?
CROW: Now that's _talent!_
TOM: And of course, nothing says "tender romance" like anal sex.
> "AAAAHHHH,YES!DO IT,KEVIN!",yelled a sexualy energized Lana."TOUCH
> ME!FUCK ME!LET ME FEEL THE ULTIMATE PLEASURE!AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!"
JOEL: [Laughing] Oh...Kay!
CROW: Note to self: Orgasms give Videoland women Tourette's
Syndrome...
TOM: That was some kind of weird powerup sequence, wasn't it?
> And then,after they had started moving harder and faster and their
> lovemaking had reached its final game-level,
TOM: [Street Fighter announcer] Final round! Boink!
> the two newly-found lovers had cum and collasped due to exhaustion.
JOEL: [Kevin] Ow... Your elbow's in my...
CROW: [Lana, simultaneously] I think I fell on my...
JOEL: [Kevin] Is it supposed to keep throbbing like...
CROW: [Lana] Oh well, had to happen sometime...
BOTH: <Contented sigh>
> And after they had catched their breath,a smiling Kevin had turned
> towards Lana and said,
TOM: [Stereotypical redneck] Hey, baby! When yew bringin' yer
sister?
> "You know,Lana.I wish I could take you back with me to Northridge,
> California.My mom would be pleased to meet you.Shocked,but pleased."
JOEL: [Kevin] She's totally convinced I'm gay, you know.
> "Well,Kevin.",said Lana,after she had taken a deep breath.
CROW: [Lana] After today, King Hippo has a better chance of scoring
with me than you do!
> "I was hoping that you'll stay in Videoland and meet my father,King
> Charles."
>
> But then,after they had realized that they had a problem that
> really needs to be solved,Lana had looked at Kevin and
> asked,"So,what do we do now?"
TOM: [Kevin] Well we could always do this a...
JOEL: [Lana, quickly] No.
> And after he had taken a deep breath,Kevin answered,"All I could
> say is that we should cross that bridge when we come to it."
CROW: [Kevin] And then have sex on that bridge. Repeatedly.
JOEL: [Lana] Which part of "Never again" did you not get?
> After Lana had agreed with Kevin on that,the cavern opening had
> opened,allowing the duo to rejoin their friends.
CROW: [Samus] Hey guys! Fred and Daphne made it back!
TOM: At this point, even the dog is looking down on them.
> A few minutes later,after they had loaded as many Powerstones as
> they each could carry aboard Space Hunter Samus Aran's Metriod
> Cruiser
JOEL: And slipped in a quick question to Samus about where to
pick up certain "pills" discreetly...
> and started zooming their way back to the Palace of
> Power,
TOM: Leaving Samus alone to bask in her own coolness.
> Kevin Keene and Princess Lana had smiled at each other and held
> hands,
TOM: Giggling uncontrollably...
CROW: [Kevin] Still buzzing off that gas?
JOEL: [Lana, giggling] OH YEAH!
> for they had experienced a moment which would be special
> to them forever.
TOM: And to millions of DVD watchers around Videoland as well.
JOEL: [Lana] What the... "Cave of Lust #17: Princesses Unleashed?!?"
> That is their fate.
CROW: [Cherry] It is fate.
> THE END!
TOM: Well, that could've been worse! So let's jet before it does!
[All leave]
[ 6 ]...[ 5 ]...[ 4 ]...[ 3 ]...[ 2 ]...[ 1 ]...[ * ]
{We return to a darkened bridge. Joel wanders in by himself.}
JOEL: [Calling out] Crow? Tom? C'mon, guys! Now's not the time for
hide and seek! Hey!
{At the same time, a spotlight shines on Joel, a net drops over his
head, and dry ice fog starts to drift onto the bridge}
TOM: [From overhead, speaking in a "spooky" voice] Welcome, Joel
Robinson! Welcome to the Satellite...
BOTS [From overhead, speaking in a "spooky" voice]: OF FATE!
JOEL: "Satellite of..." Oh, I get it... But what's with the net?
CROW: [Yep... from overhead, speaking in a "spooky" voice]: That's to
keep you from being overcome by the mist and running off to have
sex with Gypsy.
JOEL: I really don't see that happening. [Loudly to the side] No
offense, Gypsy!
GYPSY: [Offscreen] None taken!
JOEL: Alright, "Oh Mysterious Voices of The Cave..."
BOTS: SATTELITE!
JOEL: Right, Mysterious Voices of The Satellite - what _is_ my fate?
CROW: Glad you asked!
TOM: Your fate, Joel Robinson, is to lavish love and affection...
CROW: And ram chips!
TOM: Yes yes! And ram chips upon your upon your robot companions Tom
Servo and Crow T. Robot.
JOEL: Don't I do that already?
CROW: Not on demand you don't!
TOM: Especially with the ram chips!
CROW: So hop to it, Robinson!
TOM: It is...
BOTS: YOUR FATE!
JOEL: Okay, how about this... You guys come down out of that heating
duct and get me out of this net and I won't cut off your ram ]
chips for a month?
TOM: ... The Fates say you're a big spoilsport.
CROW: But we shall comply, for it is...
TOM: Okay, the moment has passed for that.
CROW: Speaking of moments, I think it may take a few to get out of
here. I think we're stuck...
TOM: <SIGH!> I told you to go to the opposite end of the vent, but
NOOOO! You thought it would be spookier for our voices to come
from the same direction.
CROW: Well, it was!
JOEL: [Trying to pull the net off] I'll get Gypsy to pull you out in a
second, but first. Hey, Gypsy? All that dry ice is making
things a bit cool in here! Turn the heat up! WAY up!
GYPSY: "Inferno Mode" coming up!
{At those words, we hear a loud "FWOOOSH!" followed by yelps of pain
from the Bots.}
JOEL: So - What do you think, sirs?
[Cut back to Deep 13, where a panicked looking Frank runs in]
FRANK: I'd compliment you on that touch of evil there, Joel. But I'm
in a bit of a panic. Dr. Forrester had a little accident with
variant of that Dr. Pepper Spray and ended up with...
DR.F: [Offscreen in a _bad_ French accent] Where are yooo, my leetle
flunky?
FRANK: [Whispering] "Pepper LePew!" D'OH! [Hits the button and
scampers off]
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
<< FWOOOSH >>
/ | \
/ | \
/ | \
Mystery Science Freezer
[http://www.geocities.com/mysterysciencefreezer]
Ep. 1: WWF Smackdown - 4/06/00 recap
Ep. 2: Scooby Did [Lemon]
Ep. 3: Voyager: S-Space, part 1 [Lemon]
Ep. 4: Voyager: Stealth Wedgie
Ep. 5: Violence Aimed Even At Preschoolers
Ep. 6: Brightheart The Cub Sitter [Lemon]
Ep. 7: Sweet Beginnings [Lime]
Ep. 8: Life's Surprises
Ep. 9: School Girls [Lemon]
Ep.10: Netnoise Triple Feature
Ep.11: Bishoujo Senshi Sour Lemon [Lemon]
Ep.12: Star Trek:Voyager - S-Space, part 2 [Lemon]
Ep.13: Captain N: The Cavern of Fate [Lemon]
Mystery UGoS Theater (Wrestle-centric with saltier language)
[http://dccmm.com/dccmm/wilfmst3k.html]
Ep. 1: Judgment Day 2000 Rant by Scott Keith
Ep. 3: Chris Hyatte's "And Another Thing" 9.25.2000
(Collaboration with Maple Leaf Mickey and The Big Fred Machine)
Ep. 4: Danielle Fishel & Lacey Chabert At Smackdown!
Ep. 5: Salior <sic> Moon/WWF Crossover
Group MSTings:
Love Bites (Edited by Rebo Valence, written with half the free world)
http://rebo_chan.tripod.com/lovebites.txt
Royal and Prime Directives (Edited by Bill Livingston)
http://svamcentral.org/svam/mstings/Royal-PrimeDirective.txt
Columbine's Most Wanted (Edited by Dalty Smilth)
http://members.rogers.com/krpalmer/mst3k/mstings/columbine.txt
Legolas: Back To The Future (Still ongoing - Edited by River City
Random) http://www.geocities.com/rivercityrandom/
{Will The Bots ever get unstuck from the heating vent? Will Joel ever
get out of that net? Will he let The Bots ever see another ram chip
again? And do we really want to know what would happen should Dr.
Forrester catch Frank? Tune in next time for the next episode of
MYSTERY SCIENCE FREEZER!!!}
{{ "AAAAHHHH,YES!DO IT,KEVIN!",yelled a sexualy energized Lana."TOUCH
ME!FUCK ME!LET ME FEEL THE ULTIMATE PLEASURE!AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!" }}
--
My name is:
____ _
/ ___| | | http://www.geocities.com/
| |__ _ __ ___ ___ ____ ___ _ __ | | mysterysciencefreezer
| __|| '__/ _ \/ _ \/_ // _ \| '__|| | (My MSTings)
| | | | __/ __/ / /| __/| | |_| http://dccmm.com
|_| |_| \___|\___||___|\___||_| (_) (Rasslin' type subjects)
And my anti-drug is porn.