Gypsy walks back into the theater, without Madame Forrester.
GYPSY: You OK Madge?
MADGE: Still in mourning. I'll recover.
GYPSY: Wait a minute- where's Pearl?
MADGE: Aw, who cares?
>The words dead bodies and suspects rattled in her brain a minute.
MADGE: Like a beebee in a tuna can.
>"I
>thought it was about parking tickets."
All moan and cry.
GYPSY (moaning): Not the parking tickets again!
MADGE: Jeez, LEMMINGS have less tunnel vision than this.
We hear a noise of someone knocking something over off-stage.
GYPSY: Pearl?
PEARL (dejected, off-screen): Leave me alone!
GYPSY: OK. Madge didn't get exorcised.
PEARL (resentful): Duh!
>
>He chuckled. "Hardly. You think they send out two detectives to pick up a
>parking ticket violator?
MADGE: Well what if she parked on someone's head?
PEARL (off): I oughtta slug you!
MADGE: Eh?
>I work in homicide."
GYPSY: Well, they cut him a check, anyway.
>
>Her brain raced. Surely he didn't think -- or couldn't think -- she had
>something to do with murder?
MADGE: After she'd been so open and honest with him!
>Why would he have come, if he did? "You think
>I killed somebody?"
GYPSY (Logan): If I say yes, will you still ask me to the Sadie Hawkins
dance?
>Fear was making her voice stiff, and she shook a
>little.
>
>"Do you think I'd be here now if I did?"
GYPSY: If you were down to your last match, and could burn either this story
or the master print of "Basic Instinct", which would you choose?
MADGE: Oh, keep me awake all night, why don't you?
Grumbling, Pearl enters the theater. There is a horned, winged, light blue
dragon-demon the size of a koala bear sitting on Pearl's head. It has a
long, twining neck that cranes around to review its surroundings.
GYPSY and MADGE (startled): GAH!
DEMON (just as startled, voice a cross between a parrot and Danny DeVito):
GAH!
PEARL (wincing in pain, clutching the seat): Guys! Don't scare it, it digs
in deeper!
>
>"Then what ---"
>
>He shushed her by putting his hand over her lips. "No work. Don't
> worry, really."
GYPSY (mouth open, at Pearl and her demon): My stars! What happened?
PEARL: Well, I was exorcising the ship and summoning the spawn of infernal
darkness and what-not, and how was I supposed to know a pentagram had five
sides?
DEMON: Oh great. It's "The Glitches of Eastwick".
PEARL: You hush! (whaps beast with rolled-up newspaper)
DEMON: Ow! Quit it! I got very sensitive skin here! I bruise easy!
>
>"Mike, how can I not think about it?
MADGE (Logan): Well why don't you go play with this nice, shiny button?
GYPSY: Madge! Stop riffing! This is serious.
MADGE (considering): Hmm... Pearl, trying to destroy me, summons a beast
from the nether-regions of Styx-
DEMON: Named Scratch!
MADGE: -named Scratch- that gives her pain and torment 'til her dying days.
SCRATCH: Well 'til my soap's on, anyway.
MADGE: I don't really see a problem here, Gyps!
Pearl moans, clutching her head.
>What's going on?"
>
>He grinned. "Hey, you called me Mike."
SCRATCH (craning neck to Gyps): It's his name, isn't it?
PEARL: Don't you start!
GYPSY: Hang tough, Pearl! I'll be back!
Gypsy disappears under the seats.
PEARL: Well hurry up!
>
>She pushed the palm of her hand into his chest. "Hey nothing.
SCRATCH: Hey, the resentful version of "Hey Paul, Hey Paula"!
PEARL: Shut up!
SCRATCH: Oh, excuse me, Endora! I didn't notice your incantations were from
the part of the Necromonicon labeled "Just Kidding!".
MADGE: Calm down, Pearl. Look, join the riffing. It'll take it off your
mind. Oh. I mean-
PEARL: I KNOW what you mean! Sadist.
>Is this some
>kind of bizarro undercover thing you're pulling on me?
> Is that why you're here?"
PEARL: Nah, just came for the free Hot Wings. Is that them over there?
>
>He gave her a long look and turned down the charm.
MADGE: Ew, I don't even wanna THINK what that involves.
>"Look, Amelia, all we
>wanted to do this afternoon was ask you a few questions. Nothing you'd
> even need a lawyer for.
MADGE: Does anything really fall in that category anymore?
SCRATCH: Nnnnnnope! WE made sure of that. Heh-heh.
PEARL: Well, you are evil, I give you that.
SCRATCH: Nah, just an amoral schemer, really. I do have my days, though.
>Personally, I thought we were on the wrong track, and
>after the whole dog thing, where you came by yourself to the station, I
>figured why bother.
MADGE: Oh, god help New York if they meet a killer with a GED.
>So no, I'm not spying on you. I'm here because I want
>to dance.
PEARL: Boy, the first draft of "The Turning Point" was a lot different.
>And surprise, surprise, so are you."
MADGE: It's a discotech! She came for the dignified ambiance, Sherlock?
>
>She began to believe him. If he really thought something was up he
> wouldn't be there.
SCRATCH: Yeah, he'd be home in bed with his head beneath the covers!
> They wouldn't let him, she figured. She let him pull her close
>again and said, "Then lunch -- I didn't have to wait for you to finish
>lunch."
All but Scratch snicker.
SCRATCH (extending head to Pearl): Was she his waitress?
PEARL: No, just a vapid party girl whose long lost evil twin framed her for
murder.
SCRATCH (pulling head back): You're kidding.
PEARL: Nope, that's the story.
SCRATCH (edging head toward the text): Must be one of ours.
>
>"My fault," he said, "I wasted your time."
>
>"Well," she said, "not entirely."
MADGE (Alexa): When you saw my garter, I got to watch you blow beer through
your nose.
SCRATCH (laughing): That's funny.
MADGE: Thank you!
>
>A moment of silence broke out between them and she found herself unable
> to stop staring at him, and he at her as they danced, as if trying to
>communicate something they weren't able to form words for.
PEARL (Alexa): My place?
MADGE (Logan): Your place.
PEARL (Alexa): Caveman costumes?
MADGE (Logan): Caveman costumes.
>As the stare
>lasted she was once aware of his closeness to her, their hips moving
>together, his warm presence like a soft afghan she wanted to wrap herself
>in.
SCRATCH: He better store his presence in a cedar chest then. Moths'll get
it.
MADGE: Yeah, you wanna pass that on to your kids one day.
>There was something incredibly solid, and honest about him,
PEARL: Someone who would always be there when she needed someone to lie to.
>and all
>this time she realized he thought she was her sister.
SCRATCH (extending neck to Pearl): Hey, could you guys get the Olsen twins
in here? This whole story might warn them of the TV-movie hell awaiting
them after puberty.
PEARL: Shush! We don't control any of this. We're prisoners.
SCRATCH: Oh! Oh, THAT explains it! I thought you are all just masochists.
Not that there's anything wrong with that, mind you.
>Which made her feel
>guilty, and at the same time, wonder just what Amelia was up to that
> the police needed her for questioning.
MADGE: Maybe we have this wrong, guys. Maybe this is just the world's
longest commercial against stealing cable.
SCRATCH: It has to be worth something to be stealing.
>
>But then the music switched tempos again, sliding into "Rubberband Man"
> and the floor began to fill with craziness again, their moment broken.
> She smiled and he laughed just a bit, like exhaling, and as they took
> a step away from each other for more rigorous dancing Gretchen and
> Freddy flounced over. "Aaaaaaaaay," they announced.
SCRATCH: Sit on it!
>"We found you!"
>
>"Gretchen and Freddy, this is Mike, Mike, my friends."
>
>Mike looked at Alexa a minute
PEARL (commanding a dog): Shake!
>and then stuck out his hand.
PEARL: Yes, good boy!
>"Hiya."
>
>"Ooh, girlfriend, so is this who you were telling us about?" Gretchen
>crowed.
>
MADGE: Wha- She's a funky bad-ass rooster!
PEARL: Old McDonald scored some smack!
SCRATCH (slyly sexy): Oo, cock! That dude'll do!
MADGE (laughs): That's good. Watch the blue stuff in front of Gyps, though.
SCRATCH: Ah, mother hen. Gotcha.
PEARL (resentful): Hey! He is NOT stickin' around!
SCRATCH: Aaaaah, we'll just see about that.
>Alexa blushed.
>
>"Yeah, you'll do!" she told Mike. "How about a dance, then,
>sweetcakes?"
MADGE (Logan): Have you been through booking and delousing?
>
>"Sorry, Gretch," Alexa broke in. "Get your own."
PEARL (Gretchen): Oh right. You KNOW the 24-hour Dumb-As-Post Escort
Services are all closed for the holidays!
SCRATCH (laughs): Ha! That's funny. You gals are funny, man. This is fun.
PEARL: Enjoy it while ya can!
>And she winked at Mike.
>
>"Well, if you change your mind...." Gretchen trailed off and melted
> back into the crowd.
MADGE (horrified): The disco laser lights are too powerful! Dancers are
melting left and right! Oh, the carnage!
SCRATCH: They're coked-up disco freaks.
MADGE: Oh, right. Carry on with the carnage! Sorry to interrupt!
>
>Freddy held out his hand. "Payup time, lovely, Tweak is on his way."
PEARL: You know, the shocking thing is, at the end, the story reveals
Tweakie is really Keyser Soze.
SCRATCH: No!
PEARL: Yes!
>
>Alexa slapped a twenty into his hand.
MADGE: That's enough for- what? The right nostril of a Beanie Baby?
SCRATCH: Ha! Those were ours, too.
PEARL: Will you stop? I don't care!
SCRATCH (head drooping): Sorry.
> "That'll have to do...now scootch!"
SCRATCH: Nah, not really into "scootch"- how about a dooquiri?
MADGE: Or a joon and toonic on the roocks?
>And she waved him off.
>
>"Darling!" he crooned.
ALL (sing): Please be-LIEVE me!
>"Thank you!"
>
>"Payup time?" Mike raised his eyebrows, and his face looked longer than
>usual. "Should I know what that is?"
MADGE: Judging from your burning intelligence, no.
>
>"You don't want to know," she told him. "Work or no work."
>
>So they danced.
PEARL: They danced around Mike's professional responsibilities, the identity
of the person killed, and why a rich businesswoman like Amelia would play in
sleazy band!
> About a half hour before the club closed, around
>two-thirty, they stumbled, sweaty and more than a little tipsy,
SCRATCH: Another successful meeting of Oprah's Summer Reading Club comes to
a close!
>out into
>the early morning cool, and jumped in a cab. The alcohol and workout
> began to overwhelm Alexa,
MADGE: Yeah, slutting is good cardio.
> and she yawned. "Oh, boy."
>
>"You too tired to have me over for a few minutes?" he teased.
SCRATCH (Logan): And I didn't mean to say "over", if you know what I mean.
Heh-heh.
>
>Her eyes widened. By two-thirty Amelia wasn't likely to be up, she'd
> have been home ages ago. Or did she say she was staying out all night?
MADGE: Hm, maybe you should read that bit again. It was only- what? 143
pages ago?
> Alexa
>wasn't sure. Bringing Mike over was a bad idea,
PEARL: Well it was AMONGST the NUMEROUS bad ideas she's had so far.
>but so was going to his
>place -- she didn't know if she had enough cash to get home by cab from
>wherever he might live.
SCRATCH: Intricate New York subway system? Nothin' but an urban myth!
>And she also didn't know if she was ready to
>actually sleep with him.
MADGE: She might play with him first.
>Sure, playing Amelia, in her garters and high
>heels was fun, but underneath it the real person, Alexa, hadn't slept
>with anyone
SCRATCH (laughs): Oh, right. Alexa, the virgin speed fiend!
PEARL: Sounds like a Christmas story the whole family can enjoy!
>and sure as hell didn't think her first would be with a cop -- oops,
>detective
SCRATCH: Oops.
MADGE: Note she said her first would be WITH a cop, not that it'd BE a cop.
PEARL: Yeah, Logan would just hang around like a chump, and hope she'd talk
with him afterwards.
>-- she barely knew. At the same exact instant that those thoughts
>ran through her brain, her instinct began to growl at the thought of
> Mike's just disappearing.
SCRATCH: Meanwhile MIKE'S instincts growl at the thought of stickin' around
with this loser.
>They'd been dancing all night, talking crazy talk,
ALL: FURBY!
PEARL (as Furby): Doo, be doo! Be doo, be doo!
>pressed up against each other, holding hands -- constant contact of one
>form or the other, and at some point Alexa had gotten addicted to him.
SCRATCH: Uh-oh. She's got a lunkhead on her back!
MADGE: And that ain't good.
>So
>against her better judgment, Alexa heard herself saying, "I think a few
>minutes would be all right."
>
>"So you danced, you talked, you went back to your place," Ben
>interrupted,
ALL (startled): YAH!
SCRATCH: Whoa, where'd HE come from?
PEARL: The author changes scenes without dividers, and her dividers don't
indicate scene changes!
>still not sure whether he was going to send internal affairs after
>Logan.
MADGE: "Law And Order, That Is, Law And Order When We Feel Like It", will
return after these messages.
>"And then?"
>
>"I checked to see if Amelia was in, and she wasn't. We had decaf,
PEARL: Decaf! This IS the work of the devil!
SCRATCH: Ha! Thank you!
> and after
>that I don't remember," she told him. "I was tired anyway,
MADGE: Downright narcoleptic!
> and I passed out
>on my couch.
SCRATCH: Oh, and what tale of love and romance isn't complete without the
drunken demirep passing out on her evil twin's Ottoman?
> When I woke up, I was on my bed and he'd left."
>
>"Around what time would you say you passed out, Ms. Page?"
MADGE (Alexa): Oh, well as soon as I passed out I made sure to wake up again
and check my watch. HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW WHAT TIME I PASSED OUT?!
>
>She shrugged. "I have no idea. We left the club around 2:30, and took a
>cab, so maybe we were home by 3:00, and I probably didn't last more
> than twenty minutes after that.
PEARL: Oh, honey, that's nineteen minutes longer than Logan lasted, I'll
tell you what.
> So I guess he left around 3:30 or something.
>That's what I told you before, remember?"
MADGE (Stone): Um, which flashback was that again?
>
>Stone thought. Yes, that jived with what he had already been told.
SCRATCH: But did it jump and wail?
>Only he
>knew Logan hadn't actually left until nearly nine, but that didn't come
>out until much later. "Go on."
ALL: NOOOOO!!!
PEARL (as frantic cop): All right, put the story down! On the ground! Step
away slowly!
SCRATCH (as nervous frantic collar): Back off man! I'll write a sequel, so
help me!
Logo, Commercials - More Americans get their news from ABC News than from a
proper network.
<End Part VII>
Portions of this e-mail have been edited for broadcast.
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