MiSTed: A Letter to the Fans 2/3
KenWMcC55
Crow: Quark's for a holo-suite filled with seductively dancing Hanson boys.
Servo: Thank you *so* much for that image, Crow.
> the U.S. District Court in
>Mountainous Midwestern Town outside which web terrorist lives, to cause
>an injunction and this prevention is real -- which it is not --
Crow: Yeah, F. Lee Bailey just can't be taken seriously anymore.
> then
>marvelous --because to do this, this means that web terrorist has got to
Doctor: Run naked through the Panopticon!
>sue me -- which web terrorist hasn't because web terrorist is
> scared to
Tom: I think she's scared of a lot more than that.
> -- a lawsuit means that my, and web terrorist's, telephone records will
>be subpoenaed and reviewed by a court of law, and that the truth in this
>matter will FINALLY be revealed
Crow: Well, at least Mulder will be pleased.
> as to who's been incessantly phoning
>whom, and whose office, and whose colleagues,
Doctor: And whose 900 numbers.
> and why.
>
>But web terrorist isn't going to sue me, although I wish web terrorist
>would.
Tom: Please, please, please! Anything to take away attention from my
crayon colored story boards!
> Web terrorist is AFRAID to sue me.
Doctor: Everyone is afraid of you, period.
> Web terrorist is afraid of
>suing me, because web terrorist knows that if web terrorist
Tom: Would you stop it with the web terrorist!!!
Doctor: I'm getting a headache. Give me an aspirin.
Crow: I thought those could kill you?
Doctor: And your point is?
> does this
>then EVERYTHING that web terrorist wants to hide will come out.
Tom: Like where she got those compromising pictures of Michael
Crichton and Steven Spielberg.
>Everything is exposed in a court of law. Scary, innit, web terrorist?
Crow: Innit? You better agree with me! I asked innit!
>Not for me, because I've got nothing to hide.
Crow: Except for those pictures from alt.sex.pedophilia.
Doctor: You could get sued for that.
Tom: Not to mention that Mike would rip your head off for that.
Crow: Well, Mike's not here, and I dare her to sue us! You hear me, McQuack?
Sue away!!!
> So sue away.
Tom: You two must have a psychic bond, Crow!
> PLEASE.
Crow (Lisa Simpson): Sue me! I'm ever so sueable! Sue me!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Deep 13. No one is to be seen. Suddenly, a pile of clothes in the corner
begins to shake violently. Finally, Mike struggles his way out,
taking big gulps of fresh air, failing to notice a bra underwear
clinging to his head.)
Mike: I *never* wanted to be that close to the Forresters. (notices
bra, grabs it and throws it to the floor) Where is everyone?
(walks over to TARDIS and looks down the hallway, notices no one
around. He turns and sees that the TARDIS door is halfway open)
Great, they beat me to it. Better stop them before every woman looks
like Mrs. Forrester. (shudders as he enters)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
>And I dare web terrorist
Crow: Triple dog dare ya!
Tom: Dare ya to infinity!
> to show what a big @#*% web terrorist has --
Crow (NIN): I'm a big web terrorist, got myself a big web.
>and it certainly must be a big one
Doctor: Freud would have a field day with her.
Tom: Yeah, and he'd probably say it's all because she wants to have
sex with you.
(Doctor lets another violent scream)
> because web terrorist has spent a lot
>of website-building time
Crow: Yeah, building an AOL Member Profile site can be *so* hard!
> describing it going up Paul McGann's backside
Crow: Which a lot of female fans would love to do.
Tom: CROW!
Crow: What are you screaming about?
Tom: Just trying to fill the void.
>-- and phone an attorney, start that suit, and step into the ring.
Tom: In this corner, all-time psycho-schitzo freak Karen McCoy!
(Doctor and Crow boo)
Tom: And in this corner, Web Terrorist!
(Doctor and Crow cheer)
>Because once my attorneys,
Tom (Phil Hartman): Lionel Hutz here, I plead guilty by insanity!
Doctor: The Doctor here, and I say the web terrorist is really the
Valeyard in disguise!
Crow (Jonnie Cochrane): If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit!
> that phone records subpoena and Lieutenant
>A.J. Bielow of Atlanta Homicide
Crow: Muntz would laugh this out quicker than he did the Lone Gunmen!
> and Crimes Against Persons make short
>work of web terrorist,
Doctor: No, not the mind probe!
> web terrorist will never threaten another
>convention proprietor, or anyone else, again.
Tom: Animals, children, and Pauly Shore on the other hand...
> Because web terrorist will
>be living in a Federal prison,
(all break out in uncontrollable laughter)
Crow: Just when you thought she could make less sense!
> serving time for libel, character
>defamation, invasion of privacy,
Tom: Flaming NA authors.
Crow: Responding to Ratliff's challenge.
Doctor: Genetically altering lab mice to attack Socks the cat.
> terrorist threats and transmitting
>libelous information
Crow: AOL sucks!
Tom: That's not libelous, that's a fact.
> across state lines -- which is a FEDERAL OFFENSE
>AND A FELONY,
Doctor: I'm not getting used to that.
> "by the way."
Servo: "By the way", you're short a few screws.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mike felt as if he had stepped into another world. {Great, the author's
going for an arty Misting,} he thought. Even though he had seen almost
every Doctor Who episode (Dimensions in Time had left deep scars), he could
understand why every companion looked like a big mouth bass whenever they
stepped aboard the TARDIS.
After shrugging off the initial shock, he looked around for any sign of
the Forresters. {Probably got lost,} he thought. Walking over to a plush
chair, he picked up a book lying on it's seat. {H.G. Wells The Time Machine.
He *still* hasn't finished that?} Wandering over to the console, he brushed
up against a girder, causing the console to spring to life.
"thE TaRDiS...SeEms tO...LiKe...yoU."
Mike looked over to see Torgo standing near the hallway doors. "What
the hell are you doing here? Where's Dr. Forrester?" Mike demanded.
"tHe MaSTeR...wiLL SEe yOu...NoW," Torgo said in his odd lilt,
as he struggled to not knock over the hatstand he was using for support.
Turning around, he shoved the doors open. He motioned with his staff for
Mike to follow.
{I just hope it's not who I think it is,} Mike thought as he reluctantly
followed Torgo.
After what seemed like forever, especially at Torgo's speed, Mike was
brought to the Cloister Room. The Eye of Harmony lay open, it's energies
barely contained. Mike's concentration was broken by a shrill scream coming
from the balcony overlooking the Eye.
"GET ME OUT OF THIS CONTRAPTION!!!"
Mike turned and looked upwards. Pearl was locked in the same
Clockwork Orange-ish torture device that the Doctor had been held in by...
"Oh, no. Not..."
"My dear Nelson. So nice of you to make it here," a syruply evil voice
called from behind Mike.
He turned to see a sight that normally would have had him bowled over in
laughter. A strange figure strolled down the staircase that lay behind the Eye
of Harmony. Wearing a lovingly hand-crafted Time Lord robe, his usual bed-head
slicked back, and his wire rimmed glasses absent, the figure sported an evil
grin.
Dr. Forrester was not the man he once was.
"Let me guess. You wound up in the TARDIS toilet, and slithered your
way into Dr. F," Mike remarked.
Before the possessed Forrester could answer, Pearl began screaming
again. "Clayton! What are doing in that ridiculous outfit! Get me down
from here!"
With a fanciful wave of his hand, the Master responded, "Clayton doesn't
live here anymore, Mrs. Forrester! With this admittedly pitiful frame, I
will finally be rid of the Doctor, and after that..."
"You'll go back and try to disrupt Charles and Di's wedding so you can
take over the world?" Mike interjected.
"That's enough mouth out of you, Nelson! Torgo, deal with this impudent
human!"
Torgo began shambling towards Mike.
"Oh, give me a break!" Mike exclaimed as he began walking toward the
Master and shoved Torgo to the ground. Staring the Master right in his
snake-like eyes, Mike taunted, "Why don't send someone who doesn't take
a million years to do everything?"
The Master reached down into the folds of his robe and produced his
Tissue Compression Eliminator. "One move, Nelson..."
Swatting the TCE out of the Master's hand, Mike responded to his threat.
"Don't point that thing at me! I don't know where it's been!"
The Master then tried to push Mike down the stairs. All that accomplished
was to give Mike a reason to throw him across the room and over the Eye.
"Hey, be careful! That's my son's body!" Pearl screamed from above.
"I must say this has made you excessively aggressive, Nelson," the
Master said as he rose from the floor.
"Consider all of this revenge for 'The Mark of the Rani'," Mike quipped
as began walking menacingly towards the Master.
Picking up Torgo's body, the Master responded, "Well, this plan isn't
working out so well. So I think I'll exit stage left!" The Master kissed
Torgo full on the lips, causing Mike and Pearl to retch in disgust. Forrester's
body then collapsed to the floor, as the Master, now residing in Torgo, jumped
into the Eye of Harmony.
Mike was still reeling from the sight of the Master being intimate with
Torgo when Pearl's screams brought him back to reality. "Would someone
get me down from here? These cuffs are starting to chafe!"
Mike ran up the stairs to the balcony, but stopped himself from freeing her
right away. "I'll only do this if you promise to forget all about the TARDIS
and
give it back to the Doctor."
"Anything, just get me out of this crazy place!"
After freeing Pearl, they then gathered Dr. Forrester's unconscious
body. As they carried him back through the console room, Mike wondered aloud,
"I wonder if he'll remember anything?"
"If he does, he'll probably have nightmares about snakes and Torgo for
the rest of his life," Pearl responded as they exited the TARDIS, struggling
to hold the groaning Forrester aloft.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
>Now: web terrorist has made a lot of noise recently about Karen McCoy
>being "hostile, belligerent and condescending."
Doctor: Not to mention more insane than a Dalek being put in charge of a
UN Human Rights committee.
> Web terrorist has also
>caused fan newspeople to regard Karen McCoy as
Tom: The worst thing to happen to Whodom since 'The Ghosts of N-Space'.
> "sinister." Let me ask
>you a question:
Doctor: Which goes better with the straight jacket? The scarf or the
Panama hat?
> What is more hostile, belligerent and sinister than
>threatening an entire convention of fans not to mention someone's name?
Crow: Renewing 'Family Matters' for another season?
>And who is more condescending than somebody who wants to destroy the
>chance of Doctor Who coming back, and yet at the same time posts
Doctor: Conspiracy theories linking me to the cancellation of "The Visitor".
>websites devoted to themselves and wants the fans to read about them,
>instead of about the possible series?
>I dunno' about you, but I find the potential return of the Doctor
Doctor (petulantly): Maybe I won't return. How would feel about *that*?
Tom: Watch it, you're starting to sound like whoever crossposted those
"Time to rest" messages.
> a lot
>more interesting to read about than one pissed-off person's scandal-page
Tom: Been reading Matt Drudge, have we?
>of musings and ramblings about a woman they've never met and do not know
>but want to hurt for some reason. But read web terrorist's page of info.
>Please, be my guest.
Crow (singing): Be my guest, be my guest, put my sanity to the test!
> I love the fact that web terrorist is doing this to
>me, because my attorney says this is libel and we're building a case...
Doctor: A case for your internment in Arkham Asylum.
>:)
Tom: Oh, so she finds the legal harassment of a person just trying to
set the facts straight amusing?
Crow: Look who we're talking about, Tom.
>Read and enjoy. It's certainly given me a few chuckles.
Doctor: And this has given me a reason to turn myself in for violating
the Laws of Time.
>Lemme' ask you guys: Has Karen McCoy threatened anybody with legal action?
Tom: Seems like somebody has a bad memory.
Crow: This whole letter is a bad memory.
Doctor: What I would give for a Cyberman or two now.
> (Besides web terrorist, of course, whom I threatened with legal
>action immediately because their first words to me were a bunch of
>obscenities).
Crow: Your brother wears Muumuu's!
Tom: Your sister's uglier than a Zygon!
Doctor: Your mother's the size of a Dalek battlecruiser!
> Has Karen McCoy harassed or stalked or lied about anyone?
>(I stretched the truth about Area 9,
(laughter)
Tom: I'm beginning to wonder if she's just incredibly stupid.
> that's for sure, by bragging about them
Crow (excited voice): Oh, they are *so* cool! They have a room full of
monkeys working on the greatest novel ever, they've got the Kennedy's
financing my project, and...
> and implying they were honest; but was this lying? Or opening my
>big f@#*%ing
Tom: That's one too many symbols there.
> mouth too soon about people I really didn't know that well?
Doctor: Why not? I wouldn't be surprised if you said you knew me intimately.
>I wonder).
Crow (singing): She's a small wonder...
> Has Karen McCoy responded to rumors about
Tom: Kiefer Sutherland dancing in the moonlight with Bigfoot?
> Doctor Who coming
Crow: He can't. You see, he has an old war wound from the Master...
Doctor: Watch it. I know how to re-program smart-alec robots.
>back by erecting a website devoted to herself like a shrine
Crow: Papered with pictures of Julia-Louis Dreyfus.
> and spending
>way too much time
Tom: Nit-picking the Find Your Fate books.
> criticizing, lying about and "dissing"
Crow: Isn't it funny how she's trying to be hip?
> the person
>trying to do it? And most importantly, has Karen McCoy threatened the
Doctor: Image of my show and it's fans? I think so.
Tom: Well, they did that quite well on their own.
>guy who runs Visions with a lawsuit if he lets somebody appear at his
>convention?
>
>Nasty business, ladies and gentlemen...
Tom: I think that's enough for now.
(all get up and leave theater)
(*...2...3...4...5...6...)
(SOL-The Bot's and and the Doctor are just standing around the console,
bored out of their minds.)
Doctor: So, this is *all* you guys do everyday?
Tom: Pretty much.
Crow: Well, we better find *something* to do until Mike gets back with
the TARDIS.
Tom: Well, I have always wondered what it's like to travel in time and
space. Must be pretty exciting, right?
Doctor: Well, usually. But it gets boring when there isn't a Time Lord bent
on revenge, a Bannerman taking hostages at Six Flags...
Crow: ...a companion screaming at 10,000 decibels?
Doctor: I dealt with that when I invested in Joel Robinson's Designer Ear
Muffs.
Tom: Wait, you've seen Joel?
Doctor: I met him in Australia after he landed on Yahoo Serious. In fact,
he asked me to tell you...
(they are interrupted by the Hexfield light going off)
Crow: Somebody's calling! Maybe it's Mike!
(Doctor taps button, and the hexfield opens to reveal a woman in a fancy,
exotic dress)
Doctor: The Rani! What are *you* doing here?
Rani: Well, you're right and wrong. You see, not only am I the Rani, but I
am also...KAREN MCCOY!
(everyone gasps)
Doctor: How utterly...evil!
Tom: You know, I had a feeling that no one could be as dense and insane as
McCoy.
Rani: Correctly guessed. You see, after my Brain Trust was broken up by you,
Doctor, I decided the only way to be rid of you was to ruin any chances
of your show ever returning!
Crow: But there will always be the BBC books and fan-fic!
McCoy: Well, that will be dealt with very soon as well. I've convinced
Stephen Ratliff to send in a proposal. Then I'll...
(a scream interrupts Rani/McCoy as a figure in a black mask and army fatigues
swings onto screen, knocking her down. The Rani picks herself up and
begins to struggle with the figure)
Rani: Web Terrorist! My other eternal enemy!
Web Terrorist: You won't trouble the Doctor anymore with your rants and lies!
(they continue to struggle, as the Hexfield slowly closes)
Doctor: Hmmm... makes me wonder who the Valeyard's pretending to be.
Tom: Probably Ian Levine.
(sirens begin to sound)
Crow and Tom: MEANINGLESS RANT SIGN!!!
(as they rush off, the Doctor mumbles)
Doctor: And I thought UNIT was bad...
(6...5...4...3...2...*)