[Misting] A Letter to the Fans pt. 5 (revised)
KenWMcC55
> allow me to say that I encourage you to read
Doctor: The Velveteen Rabbit befriends a Brooklyn Gorilla.
> the police
>report from Atlanta regarding me and suspect.
Crow (McCoy): And please disregard any mention of Christian Slater
and Robert Downey, Jr.
> (I'm surprised Price
>didn't reverse things and
Tom: Say hello instead of bye.
> call me the suspect. With his actions, he
>pretty much considered me one.) I think it's good to present all the
>facts in something like this,
Crow: Fact One- You're insane.
Doctor: Fact Two- You make people think the Unabomber might be on
the right track.
Tom: Fact Three- You have no talent, no one loves you, and you'll die
miserable and alone.
> and I have nothing to hide, so please,
>read what you like
Doctor: I'm fond of Chauncer and H.G. Wells, myself.
> so you can have them all. Although something's
>missing from the report.
Tom: The papers that prove you caused Disney to cancel Gargoyles!
>Ask the web terrorist hiding behind
Doctor: A little boy at a political rally.
> this org where the reports from
>Wheat Ridge, Colorado are in all this. Two police bureaus were involved
Doctor: Causing Buntz and Sipocwicz to implode when they saw each other.
>in this. Atlanta, Georgia and Wheat Ridge, Colorado.
Crow: She asked Officer Barbrady to help, but he was too busy
chasing cows.
> Since the maligned
>victim lives in Wheat Ridge, don't you find it interesting that they
>have presented the old and not-updated
Crow: Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide, which gives Doctor Who and the
Daleks two and a half stars.
Tom: Just as good as Laserblast.
> viewpoints of a de-assigned
>detective in the stalker's (me)
Crow: So you admit you're the stalker!
Tom: Give it up, Crow.
> town, but not the opinions of the Denver
>or Wheat Ridge police department, specifically of a David Goracke
Crow (grunting): Ugh, hm, Goracke good.
> who
>was assigned to the case? After all, it was David Goracke
Tom: I am Goracke!!!
> who went to
>web terrorist's place of employment and interrogated web terrorist,
Crow: Are you now or have you ever been a Whovian?
> not
>Det. Price who is located in Atlanta. Don't you deserve to have all the
>facts before being prompted to make a decision? Just a thought..
>
>Stay in touch with this website
Doctor: How do you touch cyberspace?
> and I will soon be posting reports from
Tom: The mental health board on my petition to institutionalize web
terrorist.
>the new officer assigned to the case, A.J. Bielow, who fosters no love
>for web terrorist
Tom: Oh, web terrorist must be crushed!
> and said, quote, "You're dealing with a twisted mind"
Doctor: Unquote.
Crow (McCoy): Why he was pointing at a picture of me when he said this,
I don't know.
>to me after taking Carl Price off the case.
Tom: Yer off the case, Callahan!
Crow: What about the rights of that little web terrorist?
> Don't you deserve to know
>that Lt. Bielow, Carl Price's superior who has too high of rank
Doctor: And too high on other things.
> to take
>a case like this but eagerly jumped at the chance
Tom (excitedly): I know I'm on the right track now! That Richard Jewel
may have escaped my grasp, but this McCoy's got a legitimate claim!
> after sussing things
>out, thinks of our poor maligned poster of prompts to make decisions?
Crow (Bielow): She's nuttier than Mr. Hankey, so I'll humor her.
>A.J., who told me to avoid this person and stay away from them because,
>quote, "She's trying to turn this whole thing against you,
Doctor: And you're doing that quite well by yourself.
> she wants
>contact with you, don't give her any."? A.J.,
Tom: Hey, she keeps calling this guy by his first name. Does that mean
anything?
Crow: That he should change his address as quickly as possible?
> who when he found out
>about the dreyfuss comments,
Doctor: Don't bring Richard Dreyfuss into this! What has he ever done to you?
Tom: He turned down her offer to star as the Brigadier.
> immediately commanded my
Crow: My? Well, at least she isn't as bad as Ratliff.
Doctor: Ratliff? I think the CIA has a warrant for his arrest.
> to send him copies
>of it, which I now have, because the Atlanta Homicide Division (which
>handles stalkers, ahem, sorry... innocent people being attacked by Karen
>McCoy)
Crow: And the women who love them! Next on Sally!
> is being misquoted?? Don't you fans deserve to know the whole
>story, instead of listening to two-month-old denials from a company
>Karen thought she was friends with, but wasn't?
Tom: Just like everyone else Karen thought she was friends
with, but wasn't.
> And instead of listening
>to carefully selected portions of a scenario you're being deliberately
>deceived about?
Crow (singing): You liar, you liar, you loved to be deceived...
> Again, don't you deserve to hear all of the facts
>beforebeing
Doctor: Beforebeing? Any relation to Stopbeing?
> prompted to make a decision?
Tom: Jesus Christ and Anton Levay could unite to support you and I
wouldn't care!
>The Wheat Ridge police report is missing.
Crow: Because web terrorist ate it.
> Lieutenant A.J. Bielow's
>reasons for taking Carl Price off the case are missing.
Doctor: How can they be missing? Did someone open his skull and scoop
them out?
> Communications
>from Atlanta Police Internal Affairs are missing. Jason Bell's e-mails
>to the BBC are missing.
Crow: What else do you expect from the BBC? The lost half of the Doctor's
adventures!
Doctor: Maybe that's why I have the memory of a stoner.
> And most glaringly of all, a subpoena of the
>phone conversation between web terrorist and
Tom: Big Tony discussing rubbing out a mutual nusciance.
> Karen McCoy is absolutely
>missing. The one with the threats, the obscenities and the mayhem. The
>one where I told her to leave me alone and stop e-mailing me.
Crow: Oh, that was a good one! Great punchline!
> The one
>where she called me a
Tom: Stupid imbecilic shizznit.
> liar and a bitch and said to "get off the bullshit
>wagon, you know you're lying" after I calmly and politely told her I had
>only a week before I considered her as a writer...
Crow: Oh, and that's supposed to make us side with you? Fat chance,
McDorkimus Maximus!
> my politeness to her
>is missing.
Doctor: Probably because it was never there to begin with.
> My attempts to understand her are missing.
Tom: This is getting very metaphysical.
Doctor: *I* understand you, but do *you* understand the
concept of brevity?
> All you're being
>presented here is a tract full of links to old news, old denials from a
>small post company and its employees,
Crow: And my spare pencil, and my support gunk, and my chewing
gum, and my spare pen, and my extra pen, and lead for my
retractable pencil, and my retractable pencil, and spare lead for
my retractable pencil...
> and an overriding, explicit demand
Tom: Take of your pants and show the full monty!
>that you turn on me and rally NOW, NOW, NOW, to prevent me from giving
>you back your favorite TV series.
Tom: Do you really think you can change Seinfeld's mind?
>You can obey this material, if you like. Unlike the sole writer of
Doctor: Babylon 5, the almighty Valen-spawn JMS.
> the
>dreyfuss document, I'm not out to control you.
Tom: I just want to enslave you and make you bow down before my cats.
> You're serious people and
>you can do what you want.
Doctor: We'd like to leave now then.
> Most of you are adults and I trust you to make
Crow: Your own gravy as I scare the -
(Doctor clamps Crow's beak)
>your own decisions. I just think you should ask the writer of this
>document for the rest of the story,
Tom (Paul Harvey): And that little girl no one liked grew up to
be... Karen McCoy! And now you know... the rest of the story!
> because even a blind man would
Tom: Know that I'm sane enough not to put Marilyn Manson in the same
room with Pat Robertson.
>notice that the police report from their home town is mysteriously
>missing here. And that's just the beginning.
>
>A.J. Bielow is working on this case, and we are indeed compiling
Crow: A new Golden Throats compilation, with Tom Baker
singing "Tubthumping".
> one and
>anticipating going to court, which I hope we will. Court will force the
>exposure of everything
Doctor: And finally proving I'm not to blame for cloning.
> and place Area 9's power structure under oath,
>with upraised hand,
Crow: Flipping her the bird.
> in a chair,
Tom: Going commando.
> and in front of a jury where documents
>to the BBC with certain Area 9 signatures under it will be seen by all
>assembled.
Tom (McCoy): So I can be embarrassed before a selection of my peers.
Doctor: Who would her peers be?
Crow: Charles Manson, Harrison Chase, and John _-_ Winston.
> Court will force exposure of all telephone conversations,
>because the FCC and the FBI retain this right of subpoena ad doces,
Tom: Beuno doces!
> and
>can call printed records of phone conversations into court for review,
Crow: I would like to present these sex stories from Mr. Double as my
next piece of evidence.
Doctor: Put it next to the bottles of Zanax and mark it as exhibit E616.
>and because web terrorist has done this across state lines and has now
>threatened a convention proprietor in Chicago in an attempt to suppress
Tom: HEAT's attempts to bring Hal Jordan back.
>the truth, the FCC and the FBI are now involved in it.
Doctor: Great, now J. Edgar Hoover will declare me an enemy of the state.
Tom: Right after he finishes his make-up.
> Court will bring witnesses like Terry Jervis and Harlan
>Ellison,
Crow: Harlan would chew her up, spit her out, and then declare it's all
Gene Roddenberry's fault.
> whose letter from John Lotshaw of Area 9 clearly states
Tom: Help us! McCoy's holding us hostage and forcing us to watch a
Nick Freno marathon!
>that he considered himself a co-producer of Doctor Who, in exactly those
>terms.
Crow: And I'm sure he'll back up your claim Issac Asimov's ghost is
writing a script.
> Court will bring web terrorist's psychological past into the
>spotlight, something web terrorist does not want to see happen for
>obvious reasons.
Doctor: She believes in a little thing called freedom of privacy.
> Court will bring Janet Fielding of Paul McGann's
>representation,
Tom: He's got Tegan for his agent?
Doctor: Must be tiring hearing her complaints about being stuck in the
TARDIS for so long.
> Marina Martin & Associates, into the room and open
>the jury to their interpretation of
Doctor: Macbeth in Esperanto.
> the website data about the violent
>nonconsensual sex it points at their client.
Tom: Uh, does anyone know what she's talking about?
Crow: Her own dark fantasies.
> Court will expose the
>comments of Michael Hirsch,
Crow: I'm Michael Hirsch.
Tom: And I'm Judd Hirsch.
Crow & Tom: No relation.
> the CEO of Nelvana, which the woman
>who wrote this tract
Doctor: The Time-Satan, by Jack Chick.
> claimed earlier had no knowledge of me. If they
>had no knowledge of me or Doctor Who,
Crow: Who?
Doctor: Exactly!
Tom: Ladies and gentlemen, the famous Who sketch!
> why did they request from me, and
>get, a meeting between me and them in
Servo: The bathroom at Holee Crullers?
> their offices at Rossmore and
>Wilshire in Los Angeles on 12th November
Crow: Why doesn't she use the American dating system?
Tom: Because she thinks she has a better chance of getting lucky
in England.
> this year?
>
>Ask the right questions and digest your findings.
Tom: Then take some Pepto Bismol for indigestion.
>I will not be going to Visions '97 this year, or any year, because I
>simply don't go to conventions. I'm shy and somewhat scared of large
>numbers of people.
Crow: Especially when they're armed with pick-axes and dressed up like
the Insane Clown Posse.
> And being phoned by somebody I don't know and
>threatened until I
Doctor (McCoy): Jump out of a window and kiss the pavement.
Tom: Is it me, or has this experience hardened you?
Doctor: Deal with it, pink boy.
> leave my job frightens me even more.
>
> Now I know what Janet meant when she said what she did ...
>but anyway, my reason for writing this is because I'm pissed off that
Tom: Sandy Frank won't return my calls.
> this person threatened Bob
>McLaughlin of Visions and was nasty to him.
Doctor: Saying things like, "Your mother was a Pythia!"
> This person claims they
Crow: Didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's
been turning.
>didn't threaten me but here they are threatening Bob? Who's lying here?
>Ask yourselves.
>
>Please send Bob your love and best wishes because he's nervous
Doctor: He has soccer practice in the morning.
> and he
>needs support at this time. I know very well what he just went through,
Tom: Having to sit through a double feature of Star Kid and The Postman.
>and so does Glen at ain't-it-cool news.
Crow: Who is currently sending all of Harry's spies to put a cap
up McMoron's behind.
> The circle of threatened people
>is growing,
Doctor (McCoy): As I drag more and more into my twisted fantasy world.
> and it's all coming from one person. So to coin a phrase...
Doctor: We're all going to hell in a hand-full of dust.
>"Never Cowardly or Cruel."
Tom: "Always Long Winded and Full of Bull."
>To sling mud and potshots from behind a fake name and an org, and do
>something to somebody and then run is cowardly.
Crow: Well, it's smarter than advertising your questionable take on
reality in a letter.
>To threaten a fan who's just trying to run a convention and threaten to
>ruin his convention if he doesn't obey them is cruel.
Tom (singing): Don't be cruel, to a fan who drools...
>And I plan to give Doctor Who fans back their series, or die trying.
Doctor: Where did I leave Kadiatu's number?
Crow: Nah, sic Ace and Leela on her.
>Yours,
Doctor: Insanely,
>Karen McCoy
Tom: A name Whovians will curse from loom to tomb.
>P.S. And I don't go to conventions, so it's all bogus anyway.
Crow (surfer voice): Like, it's totally bogus man. Just a bunch of geeks
dressed like the second extra on the right in "Generations".
> I plan to
>spend Thanksgiving weekend playing Sonic The Hedgehog
Tom: Well, if she fails to bring Doctor Who back, there's always
Sonic fan-fic.
Crow: Don't encourage her.
> and eating a whole
>S@#t-load of mashed potatoes!
Doctor: Oh. Funny. It is to laugh.
Tom: Let's get out of here before she start's her dissertation on why
the world's out to get her.
(all exit theater)
(*...2...3...4...5...6...)
(SOL- Tom and Crow are standing around the console playing cards,
while the Doctor paces nervously)
Doctor: Where in Rassilon's hoary beard is he? I'm due to meet Benny
at a cafe anytime now!
Crow: Is the waiter's name Jean-Luc?
(suddenly, a groaning and wheezing begins to fill the room)
Tom: Either the TARDIS is about to arrive, or Hugm Cronin's climbing
some stairs!
(The TARDIS slowly materializes in front of the Hexfield View-Screen.
The doors open and Mike steps out)
Mike: Sorry it took so long, guys. I had to drop Mother Forrester and her
hellspawn back in Deep 13. So, how did the post go?
Doctor: I'd rather not talk about it. I'm late for a very important-
(The Doctor is interrupted when Torgo jumps through the TARDIS doors
and tackles him)
Torgo-Master: I WilL...haVE yOuR BoDy...DoCTor! (begins trying to kiss
the Doctor)
Doctor: Help me! I never wanted to get *this* close to my worst enemy!
And certainly not in this body!
Mike (jumping on Torgo-Master's back): Tom, Crow! Go get something to
help me!
Crow: I'll go get that chainsaw I used in my last escape attempt!
Tom: I'll go get some of my underwear!
(both rush of screen)
Doctor (choking): Hurry! His knees are crushing me!
(Mike finally wrestles Torgo-Master's off of the Doctor, and they fly back
into the Tardis, resulting in an loud racket. The doors close, and
the TARDIS begins to dematerialize again)
Doctor (jumping up, futiley banging on the TARDIS door): Come back here!
What are you doing?! Press the red button, that should stop it!
(his last swings go through the now absent TARDIS)
Doctor (sinking to his knees): Oh, that's just fine and dandy! Now I'm
stuck here! Thank you God, thank you so bloody much!!!
(Crow and Servo come back in, with a chainsaw and several
pairs of underwear)
Crow: Say, where did Mike, Torgo, and the TARDIS go?
Doctor (rising, walking to counter): Maybe you guys should sit down...
Tom: Oh no, you don't mean... we're stuck with you?
Doctor: I'm afraid so.
Crow: Well, this will give you time to remember your name!
(The Doctor's head sinks onto the counter, as light begins flashing)
(D13- Pearl is standing in front of screen, as we hear retching sounds
in the background)
Pearl: Well, Clayton should be in there a while, Doctor. In the meantime,
what say you and I have a nice candle-lit dinner for two?
\ /
\ /
--0---
/ \
/ \
(as screen fades, we continue to hear Dr. F retch)
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Use of copyrighted material and trademarked material is for
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>And I dare web terrorist to show what a big @#*% web terrorist
>has -- and it certainly must be a big one because web terrorist
>has spent a lot of website-building time describing it going up
>Paul McGann's backside --