|MiSTed| Introducing HGH: The Most Powerful Anti-Obesity Drug Ever Discovered!
SpeedRa995
bottom, so please send some (read: ANY!!!) responce, good or bad. Thank you.
[Cue Season 10 Theme Song...HEY, I'm thinking ahead!]
[SoL]
Tom (Hurriedly): Hello-this-is-the-Satellite-of-Love-gotta-go-bye!
Crow (Same Pace): Wow-this-is-fun-I-didn't-know-anything-could-be-this-
incredibly-super-de-duper-funnerific!
Tom: I-share-Crow's-feelings-YEEEEEEEEHA!!!!!!
Mike (Despondant): Well, at least that would explain why my morning coffee
tasted like oil.
Tom (To Cambot): We'll-be-right-back-thank-you-won't-you?!
[Tom bounces off a wall and hits the commercial sign button]
[Planet logo]
[SoL]
[Crow and Tom are passed out on the floor]
Mike: Well, THAT's never gonna happen again.
[Mads light blinks & Mike hits it]
[CF]
Pearl: Hi, Mike, robots. I'm having a teensy bit of a problem right now...
[From outside, voices are heard]
Voices: Kill The Forresters! Kill The Forresters!
Female Outside Voice: Burn the castle!!!
Pearl: You see, they got upset when I killed yesterday's angry mob, that came
to
avenge the previous angry mob...come to think of it, I don't even know
why they started sending angry mobs in the first place. Brainguy, more
boiling oil.
Observer: Yes, ma'am.
[The voices outside scream]
Pearl: Anyway, you've got a spam today called "HGH-The Most Powerful Anti-
Obscenity Duck...something or other." I need a pick-me-up today, so, for
my sake, just tell me that it broke your will and crushed your spirits.
[SoL]
Mike: Can do!
Crow (Groggy): Did she just say "Obscenity Duck"?
Mike: You know what...I think she did!
Tom: This could be good...
[Movie sign flashes]
Mike: AAAAHH!!! We've got spam sign!!!
[Theater]
>From: "Ken" <pl...@telkom.net> Save Address Block Sender
Mike: BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK!!!
Tom: If it were only that easy...
>To: grou...@telkom.net
>Subject: Introducing HGH: The Most Powerful Anti-Obesity Drug Ever Discovered!
Crow: Obesity Drug? Hey, Pearl gyped us!
>Date: Wed, 13 Jan 1999 00:06:24 -0500>
>
>
>
>"The Most Powerful Anti-Obesity Drug Ever Discovered!"
Crow: Heroin?
>"The Ultimate Anti-Aging Therapy!"
Tom: Death!
>"Cosmetic Plastic Surgery In A Bottle!"
Mike: Yes, we send tiny cosmetic surgeons over to your house, then send you a
ridicuously small bill for a ridicuously large amount.
>"Most Powerful Aphrodisiac Ever Discovered!"
All: VIAGRA!!!
>
>These are powerful quotes
Crow: To a two-year old.
from many physician researchers as they
>have tried to describe the nothing but miraculous all well documented
>positive health benefits of this incredible hormone.
Tom: I request that that sentence be taken out and shot.
>
>"The Most Powerful Anti-Obesity Drug Ever Discovered!"
>Inside the body, HGH (Human Growth Human)
All: HUH?!
Mike: The Human Growth HUMAN?!
Crow: The Amazing Colossal Man, maybe?
Tom: I guess so.
functions as a metabolic
>Liposuction equipment, vacuuming off excess fat
Mike: And sending it where, exactly?
and bringing about
>increase in Lean Body Mass.
Tom: Doesn't he mean Lean Body Lean?
It revs up metabolism to youthful levels,
>and resculptors
Mike: Yes, we send tiny sculptors...
Crow: You did that one already.
Mike: Yes, but this is a spelling riff.
Crow: Oh...
the body by selectively reducing the fat in the waist
>, abdomen, hips and thighs, while at the same time increasing muscle
>mass!
Tom: Then it gives you a package the size of a raisin.
>
>“The ultimate anti-aging therapy!"
>HGH affects nearly every cell in our bodies,
Crow: Damaging them beyond repair.
rejuvenating the skin
>and bones, regenerating the heart, liver, lungs, and kidneys,
>bringing organ and tissue function back to youthful levels!
Mike: Oh, sure!!! Then I suppose it makes you crap gold and fart perfume?!
Crow: Let the hurting go, Mike...
>
>"Cosmetic Plastic Surgery in a bottle!"
Tom: Or, is that Cosmetic Plastic Cosmetic?
>HGH smoothes out facial wrinkles, it restores the elasticity,
Crow: Elasticity? How could you benefit from being a human rubber band?
>thickness and contours of youthful skin, and it reverses the loss of
>extracellular water that makes old people look like dried up prunes!
Mike: Like Gramma and Grampa!
>
>"The Most Powerful Aphrodisiac Ever Discovered!"
>HGH may be the most powerful aphrodisiac ever discovered, reviving
>flagging sexuality in older men!
All: EW!!!
Mike: I don't think that we NEED to revive old men's libidos.
>
>And So On; And So On!
Tom (As Yule Brenner): Et Cetera, Et Cetera, Et Cetera!
>
>Prior to now, this miracle hormone was only available by injections
>through licensed physicians.
Crow: But, now, we're just givin' it away!!!
It was also very expensive - costing
>over $1,000.00 per month! But now, these near miraculous HGH effects
>and more can be safely enjoyed by every adult, especially if you are
>over forty; because our company
Mike: Is practically bankrupt!
has come out with a product which
>contains potent
>HGH releasers and precursors!
Crow: The Cursors That Time Forgot!!!
Inside the body, these HGH releasers
>and precursors release the natural HGH which has the same above
>mentioned health benefits and more. Our HGh product is 100% Safe!
Tom: Well, except for the horrible side effects and the multiple seizures...
>Works with your body. It is a liquid, taken orally,
Crow: As opposed to what? Seriously, how else CAN you take liquid medicine?
and it is now
>available to the general public, without prescription, at a very
>affordable price! (Only $99.00 per bottle).
Tom: Of course, the bottles are the sizes of chickpeas...
>
>Below are a few testimonials from people using our HGH product:
>
>“ I have been on the product for about three months now and I love it
Mike: Especially when I grew that third arm! It comes in real handy!
>. I’ve lost around 21 pounds and have a lot more energy”
>~ R.W.; Alabama
>
>“I have been taking your HGH product for 4 months and the results are
>astounding.
Tom: I didn't know how stupid I could be!
I have lost 12 pounds of fat without dieting, have much
>more energy for my daily workout which I am also getting better
>results from, my hair is starting to go back to its original color,
>and not to offend anyone, but my sex life has gone through the roof!
Crow: Don't worry, you didn't offended us. You just nauseated us.
Tom: Apparently, HGH also allows you to combine about 50 sentences into just 1!
Do the benefits ever end?
Crow: Lets hope so.
>I will never be without a bottle of this product!” ~ J.R.; Texas.
Mike: Minutes later, Mr. Ewing was shot...tune into the next spam to find out
who!!!
>
>“I am recovering from a broken neck sustained two years ago … in the
>last 5 years I have gained up to 180 pounds.
Tom: Hmm...I always thought that breaking your neck would STOP you from gaining
weight.
Since I started taking
>your product, I have gone from a size 16 to a 10 in one month and I
>am still loosing inches.
Mike: He's talking brain power, isn't he?
Crow: That would be my guess.
My weight as of today is 148 pounds and I’m
>walking for the first time without my cane. I didn’t plan on selling
>this product,
Mike: But the guys with the guns really convinced me, heh-heh...
but people keep seeing me and end up signing up.” M.W.A
>.; ~ Arizona.
>
>" I have been on the product
Tom: Which I cannot name.
for a little over three weeks. I have
>noticed a lot of positive health benefits.
Mike: Such as the extra colon!
Tom: You can never have too many colons!
First, I have lost a
>stubborn ten pounds, that just would not go away for years no matter
>what I did.
Crow: Hell, I even chopped it off, but it just grew back on!
The cellulite puckers on my upper thighs are almost
>totally gone!
Mike: Dare I ask what a cellulite "PUCKER" is?
My vision is much clearer. I am sleeping like a baby,
Tom: Meaning that she wakes up her husband at 3 in the morning to go to the
bathroom.
>and I wake up very rested. I have a lot more energy, and don't feel
>as hungry as I used to feel. My hair is thicker
Crow: Like my skull.
and has taken on an
>added bounce and youthful glow. People keep commenting on how
Tom: Stupid I am.
young I
>look and how I seem to be looking younger and younger with each
>passing day. My libido is so much
Mike: Crappier.
>improved, and my husband loves it. I could go on and on. But suffice
>it to say that I will never be without a bottle of
Crow: Booze.
this incredible
>product!" ~ C.C.A
Tom: Pounder?
Oklahoma.
>
>If you will like to order this product right away,
Mike: I will like to get a grammer checker.
so you can start
>enjoying these great health benefits of HGH immediately, call our
>24Hour automated Order Placement Line at:
Crow: 1-800-SUCKERS
Mike: 1-900-FATGUYS
Tom: 1-976-OLDFARTS
918-748-1977.
>You will receive with your shipment a FREE AUDIOCASSETTE ON HGH, by a
>famous physician researcher and a world authority on HGH.
Crow: Albert Einstein...of Shoyo, Arkansas.
>We accept Visa , MasterCard, American Express and Discover.
>Your product will be shipped within 72 Hours on regular business days
>.We also offer Overnight Shipping.
Mike: For impatient bastards like you.
>
>ORDER TODAY! And Start Enjoying These Amazing & Miraculous Health
>Benefits From Tomorrow!
Crow: The Benfits...FROM TOMORROW!!!
All: AAAAAHHHHH!!!!
>CALL: 918-748-1977 24 Hours A Day! Seven Days A Week!
>Quote ID Code#: HGH/19993
Tom: OK, "ID Code#: HGH/19993"
Mike: You know, only 1 person is gonna get that joke.
>
>Thank You.
Tom: Ya Velcome.
If you placed an Order, you will be receiving your product
>, in two to three weeks, if you selected standard shipping, and the
>next business day, if you selected overnight shipping!
Crow: And in two years if you used American Express.
>
>
>
>/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
>to be removed:
>mailto:cl...@freemail.com.au?subject=remove
>/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Tom: Claak! The Terror of Freemail!!!
[Exit Theater]
[SoS]
Mike: Hello, and welcome to the Satellite of Satellite. I am Mike J. Mike.
Tom: And I am Tom Servo Tom.
Crow: And I am Crow T. Crow.
[Mads Sing]
Mike: That must be Pearl Forrester Pearl.
Tom: I am from the Redundancy Department of Redundancy!
[CF]
Pearl: Cut that out, it's freaky!
[End Theme plays]
Male Outside Voice: What the?!
Pearl: Hey, he said that this was his first MiSTing...
Male Outside Voice: Still, he could have had an ending!
Pearl: Observer, go ahead...
[Observer Sound]
Voices: We Want An Ending! We Want An Ending! We WanAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Pearl: There. Happy?
Voices (Timid): yes
Spam by: Ken
MiSTing of spam by: Marc-David Jacobs
Starring:
[SoL]
Mike: Michael J. Nelson
Crow: Bill Corbett
Tom: Kevin Murphy
[CF]
Pearl: Mary Jo Pehl
Observer: Bill Corbett
Male Outside Voice: Patrick Brantseg
Female Outside Voice: Bridget Jones
Disclaimer:
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
MST3K created by: Joel Hodgson
*twang*
>HGH (Human Growth Human)
Produced in association with Ringo Starr.
Marc-David Jacobs
AgentM...@hotmail.com
http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Starship/3063
"I MADE THIS", DAMMIT!
This MiSTing (c) 1999 by MDJ Productions, Unlimited.