[MiSTing] "The Neelix Claus" part one
Tjats
episode 207 of SFT1B
Turn down your lights...(if you want to.)
In the not-too-distant future
In a castle near Iran
Pearl Forrester and her two sideckicks
Were hatchin' up a nasty plan.
They found Mike Nelson, who had escaped
Through a pizza order which they had faked
They decided to put him back in his place
So they stuffed him in a rocket ship and shot him into space!
(MIKE: No!!! Not again!!!)
"I'll send him cheesy stories,
The worst I can find! (lalala)
He'll have to sit and read them all
And I'll monitor his mind!" (lalala)
Now keep in mind Mike can't control
Which fanfic she'll send him next. (lalala)
He'll try and think of a way out
With the help of his robot friends!
ROBOT ROLL CALL:
CAMBOT! ("Hit it!")
GYPSY! ("Oh, my!")
TOM SERVO! ("Find my eyes, I dare 'ya!")
CROOOOOOOOW! ("You know you want me, baby!")
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
And other science facts, (lalala)
Go get a degree in physics
Or really just relax!
for Science Ficiton Theater 1,000,000,000!
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL int.] Crow is the only one on the bridge.
CROW: Hi everyone and welcome to the Satelite of Love. I'm Crow T. Robot,
master of me!
I decided to let the others knock off for the day so I could handle the
experiment on my own!
I've always wanted to spout profanity non-stop at will!
[Mike, Servo and Gypsy appear from the left.]
MIKE: See you guys, I told you he just wanted to spew sacriligious fumes all
over today's
fanfic.
SERVO: But does this mean *I* have to be with you two? He *did* give us a day
off!
MIKE: Now, Servo, that's not fair.
MAGIC VOICE: Well, I'm going to take off.
GYPSY: Me, too. [exits]
MIKE: Looks like we're on our own guys.
CROW: You spoil everything.
-commercial sign-
SERVO: I miss Magic Voice already.
[commercials for the next episodes of Sliders and Welcome to Paradox]
[SOL int.] Mike, Servo, and Crow are waiting for Mrs. F. to call.
MIKE: Hey, I just thought of something.
SERVO: What?
MIKE: Who's piloting the ship?
CROW: Gypsy.
SERVO: Crow, you gave her the day off!
CROW: Oh, right.
MIKE: I have an idea. [pulls nanoscope over] Come in, Nanites!
[Nanite World]
NATE: Hey Neilsen! What up?
[SOL]
MIKE: Can you steer the Satelite for us today? Crow gave Gypsy a day off.
[NW]
NATE: No can do. Crow gave us the day off, too! So long, macros!
[SOL]
SERVO: That helped.
MIKE: Crow!
CROW: What?
MIKE: We're going to burn up in Earth's atmosphere and die if we don't find a
pilot!
[Ortega enters right]
SERVO: Hey! It's Ortega! How 'ya doing, chum?
ORTEGA: [grunts]
SERVO: Oh, really?
MIKE: Ortega, can you fly the Satelite while we watch a movie?
ORTEGA: [grunts uneasily]
CROW: So what if your liscense is revoked? Come on!
ORTEGA: [grunts]
SERVO: Ata boy! Just go down to the engine room and shovel some coal.
Thanks!
-Mad's sign-
MIKE: Yes, Pearl Pryne?
[Castle Forrester] Construction workers are buzzing about.
PEARL: Hi, Nelson. I called Sears yesterday and had them put vinyl siding on
the castle
to spruce it up a bit. And I only have to pay them 200 bucks! I saved a
fortune!
CONSTRUCTION WORKER[holding siding]: Excuse me, ma'am, where would you like
ths placed?
PEARL: On the outside of the castle you moron! Jeez, don't you learn
anything?
[to Mike] Anyway, I decided to go easy on you and send you-
[SOL]
SERVO: Not another Sonic fanfic!
MIKE: We're sick of those!
CROW: I don't wanna read anything more on Rabbi Prower or seminars or Nagus or
deathmatches!
[CF]
PEARL: LET ME FINISH! It's a trio of Star Trek Voyager fanfics just in time
for the
ho-ho-holidays. -Which you three won't be a part of!- The first one is called
"The Neelix Claus".
Have a terrible time!
[SOL]
SERVO: At least we aren't getting any more Sonic fanfics.
MIKE: Watch what you're saying. We might start getting Marrissa fics.
-movie sign-
ALL: It's STAR TREK VOYAGER FANFICTION FOR CHRISTMAS SIGN!
6...5...4...3...2...1...
[All enter]
MIKE: Hey, you didn't give Cambot a day off.
CROW: I had to have *some* company, didn't I?
> Subject: NEW: "The Neelix Claus" VOY PG-13 [J/C, 1/1]
> From: "marion" <mar...@tesco.net>
SERVO: This isn't some dumb Christmas story for Star Trek is it?
MIKE: What gave you that idea?
> Date: 11/30/1998 2:12 PM Eastern Standard Time
> Message-id: <73uqgr$mm7$1...@barcode.tesco.net>
>
> TITLE: The Neelix Claus
> SERIES: VOY
CROW: Very Odd Yaks?
SERVO: Viceroy for Obselete Yokels?
MIKE: Vernacular Orange Yams?
> AUTHOR: Suz suz...@yahoo.com
SERVO: It's suzvoy!
MIKE and CROW: YAHOO!
> RATING: PG-13
CROW: I like it already.
MIKE: It doesn't say "XXX", Crow. It says PG-13.
CROW: Oh. My optical sensors must be malfunctioning.
> CODES: J/C, 1/1
SERVO: Of course they're codes! No one can understand them, right?
> DISCLAIMER: Characters are Paramounts. Bah, humbug.
CROW: I thought kids were paramount.
> SUMMARY: It's Christmas time on Voyager, and someone has to deliver the
> presents.
>
MIKE: Wow. We must be in for one thrill-ride of a story then.
SERVO: Oh, yeah.
> Someone said that as I was offline for nine days I owe you four stories. I
> have some catching up to do :)
CROW: Not on our account!
>
> *
>
SERVO: How can you give such a poor rating if the fanfic hasn't even started?
> "Captain...I have a favour to ask."
MIKE[as speaker]: I need to become un-British.
>
> Kathryn Janeway looked up from the padd she was reading, taking a sip from
> the mug of coffee she held in her other hand.
SERVO: Then how would she hit the "scroll down" key?
CROW: Everything is voice controlled now.
SERVO: Oh, yeah.
> "Go ahead," she told him after
> swallowing the liquid, noticing for the first time since he entered her
> ready room
CROW: that his fly was down.
> his rather worried expression.
>
> Neelix's fingers interlaced across his stomach and he rocked on the balls of
> his feet.
SERVO: Can't we take that the wrong way?
MIKE: Don't go there, Servo.
> "Well...you know it's Christmas tomorrow?"
CROW[as Janeway]: We're a space-fairing race for 400 years who've seen no sign
of God yet we
still have Christmas?
>
> She smiled, genuinely happy. "Of course."
>
> "I've been planning something for the crew, but I injured my back moving
> some storage containers about in the cargo bay."
SERVO: What was he doing there? He's a COOK!
MIKE: And wouldn't his spine be broken?
CROW: And what about Scarecrow's brain?
> Lifting his hands to wave
> off her response, he continued "I know, I should have been more careful, as
> the Doctor told me many times when he treated me." Pausing, he licked his
> lips.
CROW[as Neelix]: Say, those are some really hot Graunda Tree Fruits you have
there, captain...
> He was clearly reaching his 'favour'.
> "The point is, although he
> treated me, he also told me to take it easy with my back for the next few
> days. As you're the Captain, I know I can trust you."
SERVO[as Neelix]: Please kill me.
MIKE: Servo, that was Worf in The Next Generation.
SERVO: They all blend into one series anyway!
>
> Placing the padd down on the table and leaning forward, Kathryn spoke.
> "Trust me to what?"
>
CROW[as Neelix]: I need you to massage my back nightly.
> He grinned feebly. "Well..."
>
> *
>
MIKE: We now join our other, better fanfic already in progress.
> Ho ho ho indeed.
>
SERVO: Indeed.
> Neelix was going to owe her a very big favour for this one.
>
> Grunting, moaning and sweating, she crawled along the Jeffries Tube wishing
> she could take her clothes off.
CROW and SERVO: All right! Woo!
> They were far too hot. But he'd absolutely
> insisted that she had to wear them the whole time.
>
CROW and SERVO: Darn.
SERVO: Neelix spoils everything.
> Why was she doing this? She had reports to read, reports to make, a ship to
> run.
CROW: Reports to read.
> Yet there was some kind of elementary fun to the whole situation, even
> though she wasn't sure that she was the one who should be doing it.
>
MIKE: Doing what?
> Not having much of a chance to plan about how she was going to get it all
> done in time, she started thinking about it now as she made her slow
> progress. The main problem was the shift rotations. One third of the crew
> would be off duty, one third would be on duty, and one third would be
> asleep.
SERVO: Really? I thought the shift rotations were a lot more complicated.
MIKE: And it wasn't explained in any sort of technobable.
CROW: This is my kind of fic.
> Those on duty wouldn't be a problem, and most of those asleep
> probably wouldn't be either. As for the others....that's why she had brought
> the tricorder.
CROW[as stupid Janeway]: How do you set this thing to kill?
> Before she went into someone's quarters she would scan for
> lifesigns. If someone was there and awake she'd come back later.
>
SERVO: But this doesn't come nearly as close to a Ratliff description scene.
CROW: Yeah, he'd tell in intricate detail what buttons on the tricorder she
used and what decks
she would start on.
> It would be so much easier just to beam them in, or leave them outside the
> doors to their quarters, but again the Talaxian had insisted.
MIKE[as Neelix]: You might harm the exotic cake dancer!
>
> Reaching an intersection in the Jeffries Tube, Kathryn used the diversion as
> a brief respite, wishing for once that all she had was a glass of ice cold
> tea.
SERVO: Well, there's a replicator right over there.
CROW: She should have brought a thermos.
>
> The doors leading to the Jeffries Tube directly opposite her started to
> open.
MIKE[as door opener]: Oh, hi captain.
> Her mouth opening with horror, Kathryn grabbed the bag she'd been
> dragging with her in one hand, while the other moved even faster to the
> console next to the door, preventing it from opening all the way. She heard
> the voices throught the crack where it had opened slightly.
MIKE[as door opener]: Help! I've been snicker-snaged by sophmores! They
threw me in here!
>
> "What's taking so long Vorik?"
CROW[as Vorik]: I don't know, Florgul.
>
> B'Elanna! Oh Good Lord...
>
> "I am not certain Lieutenant. I am having difficulties in getting the door
> to open."
SERVO[as Vorik]: It appears Captain Janeway has gotten drunk and is crawling
around
in the jefferies tubes dressed as Santa again.
>
> Placing the bag softly on the floor, Kathryn kept overiding Vorik's
> instructions, while her now free right hand worked on the console next to
> the Jeffries Tube to her right.
MIKE: So the author and Janeway are on a first-name basis?
> It took her a little longer than she wanted
> as she had to the programme the doors to close as soon as she dived through.
SERVO: Aren't all the ship's doors programed like that?
> They opened on her command so she quickly shoved the bag in as far as she
> could. Finally she dived through the entrance as she removed her left hand
> from the other console, hoping that the sound of their door opening would
> mask the sound of hers closing.
CROW[as Tores]: Look, there's the captain dressed as Santa! Hi!
>
> She didn't hang around to find out. As soon as the doors closed behind her
> she grabbed the bag and scurried as best she could in the ridiculous outfit.
>
> *
>
SERVO: Okay, I'm leaning back toward that rating now.
> Back at the intersection, Vorik and B'Elanna stared at each other, then back
> at the object that was lying on the floor. Pulling out his tricorder, Vorik
> took a scan.
>
> "What is it?" B'Elanna asked, almost afraid to touch it.
MIKE: Eew, space rat vomit.
>
> "There is no need for concern Lieutenant," he informed her, closing the
> tricorder and hooking it back on his hip.
SERVO: How convenient that Vulcans have hip sockets for tools and equipment.
> Reaching down, he picked the
> object up by the white, apparently hairy area.
CROW: Vorik! That's disgusting!
> "It is a hat."
CROW: Oh. Heh, heh.
MIKE: [glare]
>
> *
>
SERVO[as Vorik]: And look, the puffy ball on the top fell off and landed under
our scene.
> Kathryn grimaced. Neelix would just have to do without his hat in the
> future. He could always replicate a new one anyway.
MIKE: If they can replicate anything, why not have her carry a portable
replicator instead of
all those presents?
>
> Seven minutes after the close encounter in the Jeffries Tube, Kathryn found
> herself next to an access panel that would lead into the Wildman's quarters.
CROW: Tarzan is a crewmember?
MIKE: Or Jim Carrey?
SERVO: Or Pauly Shore?
> Scanning through the metal with her tricorder, Kathryn detected two life
> signs - both asleep. Quickly opening the panel and crawling through, she
> emerged into the Wildman's bathroom.
MIKE[as Janeway]: Hmph. She left the seat up.
> Pulling the bag out with her, she
> gratefully stood as she rubbed her aching back with her right hand. How was
> she going to last all night? Her mouth set in a grim line. By using that
> Janeway determination.
>
SERVO: ...she quickly ended the paragraph.
> It didn't take very long to find Samantha's and Naomi's presents, and soon
> Kathryn was tiptoeing towards their respective bedrooms. There was no
> problem with Samantha's present, but as she placed Naomi's present by the
> foot of her bed the young girl began to stir.
>
CROW[as Janeway]: Uh... the tree needs to be fixed?
SERVO[as Whoo girl]: But why are you taking the presents too?
CROW[as Janeway]: Uh... the tree needs to be fixed?
> Rather than do the obvious thing -
MIKE: Cower and wait until the fanfic ends.
> leave the room or duck - Kathryn froze.
SERVO: What is wrong with these people? No one ever looks behind them, evades
a trap, or
leaves when they should!
> She couldn't help it. It was instinctive reaction natural to all humans.
MIKE: What, stupidness?
> Only it was highly doubtful that lack of motion was going to prevent Naomi
> from seeing her if she woke up.
CROW[as Janeway]: I am a wood sprite.
>
> She didn't. Muttering something, Naomi sighed loudly in her sleep then
> turned over, crushing her Flotter doll beneath her small form.
>
MIKE: Such a plesant scene.
SERVO[as Flotter]: Oow, Naomi! Quit it!
CROW: [cracking noises]
SERVO[as Flotter]: Oooooow!
> Almost sighing herself, Kathryn quickly left the room and then their
> quarters.
>
> *
>
SERVO: But dropped a ball of lint.
> It was several hours later that Kathryn found herself scanning the last room
> she was going to have to go into. It had been an eventful evening. Nearly
> getting caught by everyone;
CROW: Just how many of Voyager's crewmembers crawl around in the jefferies
tubes?
> discovering exactly what Harry kept in his bedroom;
MIKE: The head of the last starship captain who didn't let him put pictures of
Kate Winslet
up on his console!
> actually getting caught by the Delaney sisters, and an hour ago,
SERVO: ...she got caught eating the last slice of Tores' Klingon quadruple
chocolate forbidden
flavor cake.
> catching on tricorder readouts something between Tom and B'Elanna that she
> shouldn't have known about.
MIKE: A baby?
SERVO: Sex?
CROW: A love interest?
MIKE: If so, we are in deep hurting.
CROW: I can just picture the barage of fanfics now: "A Very Special Voyager
Wedding".
ALL: NOOOOOO!!!
> Still, it was a hell of a way to celebrate Christmas.
SERVO: "Hell" and "Christmas" should never be in a scentence together.
>
> Now she was concerned though. Neelix had specifically asked her to deliver
> this persons present last.
>
> Confirming that no one was in there, she crawled into Chakotay's quarters.
> Approaching his bed, she smiled as she realised this was it.
MIKE: Waitaminute. If she didn't realize it before, how would she know to
deliver it last?
> The last
> present delivered. No more. The smile vanished and she started to frown. Now
> she was feeling depressed! This was ridiculous.
>
SERVO: I'll say.
> Looking down at the object she was holding, she ran her fingers around the
> box. She had the incredible urge to open it. Was it wrong to open it? Didn't
> she deserve something after spending all those hours in cramped Jeffried
> Tubes, trying to make everyones Christmas better?
>
CROW: It's turning into Melrose Place!
> No. She didn't have a right.
>
> Kathryn placed the silver box down on his bed, but noticed a few kinks in
> the bow resting on top of it.
MIKE: No, captain! Don't!
SERVO: What is this urge to see what's inside?
> Tugging at the bow to straighten it, she
> paused when she heard a hissing sound coming from the present. Immediately
> she began to get drowsy, her limbs becoming heavy.
CROW: And the snake hasn't even bit her yet.
>
> Falling towards the bed, she then fell back onto the floor, unintentionally
> pulling the present with her. She recognised the sensations. It was some
> kind of sedative.
>
ALL: You think?
> Lying on the plush carpet of Chakotay's bedroom floor, Kathryn managed to
> angle an arm and her head towards the box before she realised that the
> impact on the carpet had knocked it open. A small piece of paper had
> fluttered from the now empty box, and she managed to read the words just as
> her eyesight blurred over.
SERVO: "Merry DIEmas."
>
> 'Happy Christmas Commander. Enjoy your present.'
>
> She was going to kill Neelix.
>
ALL: All right! Whoo!
> And then she lost consciousness.
>
ALL: D'oh!
> TBC
MIKE[getting up]: Tobaganing Because we Can?
CROW[leaving]: Totaly Bodacious Crackers?
SERVO[being caried away]: Tubular Baccon Cheese?
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL int.] Mike and Gypsy are behing the counter.
MIKE: So we've got more on the way.
GYPSY: Too bad. At least you aren't getting any more Sonic fanfics.
MIKE: That's something, anyway.
[Crow and Servo, dressed as Kirk and Picard, enter right]
CROW[as Kirk]: Spooooohhhk! Get me full phaser power!
SERVO[as Picard]: Raise the shields, Mr. Crusher. Make it so.
MIKE: What up, padres?
SERVO: We're trying to see who has the best catch phrases.
CROW[as Kirk]: Beam us up, Mr. Scott.
SERVO[as Picard]: Why, Beverly, you foxy ol' gal!
MIKE: Servo, Picard never said that!
SERVO: But he thought it!
CROW[as Kirk]: Auto destruct sequence one-one-one alpha.
SERVO[as Picard]: Slap me down and tie me up, Beverly!
MIKE: Servo!
-Mads' sign-
CROW[as Kirk] and SERVO[as Picard]: Open hailing frequencies.
[Castle Forrester] The repair men are clearing out.
PEARL: Hey, what do ya think, sirs?
[Castle Forrester ext.] Cheerful yellow siding is covering the castle.
[CF int.]
PEARL: Sure it takes away from the evil feel, but at least I don't have to
ever wash it again!
[Bobo and Observer enter left]
OBSERVER: Ma'am, I have a question.
PEARL: What?
OBSERVER: Well, it appears that the workers left behind a tuneling device,
and-
PEARL: Siding workers with a tunneling device?
OBSERVER: Well, Jim used it to escape.
PEARL: What? Bobo, you were on guard duty!
BOBO: Jim gave me this banana to keep me quiet! [holds up banana skin]
PEARL: It's bad enough that the *fanfics* have terrible enemies! Where is he
now?
OBSERVER: How should we know?
BOBO: But he left us with this nice little parting gift! [holds up a bomb]
PEARL: Aaguh!
[BOOM!]
TO BE CONTINUED
[love theme]
written by: Jim Whaley
origonal fanfic written by: Suz
featuring:
Mike Nelson: Michael J. Nelson
Crow: Bill Corbett
Tom Servo: Kevin Murphy
Gypsy: Patrick Brantseg
Magic Voice: Beez McKeever
also featuring:
Pearl Forrester: Mary Jo Pehl
Observer: Bill Corbett
Professor Bobo: Kevin Murphy
with:
vinyl siding workers:
Patrick Brantseg
Paul Chaplin
Michael J. Nelson
Jim Mallon
Beez McKeever
and:
Ortega: Paul Chaplin
All MST3K characters and situations are trademarks of Best Brains, Inc.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only;
no infringement
on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended
or should be
inferred.
No insults are intended to anyone refered to in this MiSTing.
MST3K created by: Joel Hodgson
special thanks to:
Best Brains, Inc.
Suz
All you people who love to laugh
e-mail tj...@aol.com for comments, etc.
c1998 by Jim Whaley
[stinger]
> Rather than do the obvious thing -
> leave the room or duck - Kathryn froze.
This has been a Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 production
-----------------
other episodes of Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000:
101: The Cartoons Combined
102: Off-Road Brawl
103: The Odyssey
104: The New Season
201: Total Turbulence
202: The Ultimate Celebrity Deathmatch
203: Are You Ready to Get $40,000 in 6 Weeks with Only 8 Bucks???!!
204: Sonic Fights Robotnik 6: The Final Battle!
205: The Seminar
206: Inside the Void: King Acorn's Plight
207: The Neelix Claus Series part 1: The Neelix Claus
All can be found easily on Web Site Number Nine,
located at http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k !
***SNEAK PEEK***
NEXT TIME ON SCIENCE FICTION THEATER 1,000,000,000!
SEASON FINALIE!
> TITLE: Merry Christmas Mr Chakotay
---
> Feedback??
MIKE: Why, you playing an electric guitar?
---
> That furry little Talaxian was going to *pay*.
>
CROW: Janeway planning revenge on one of her crewmembers? This is science
fiction fiction!
---
> Silence swiftly descended upon the room. Someone turned off the music.
CROW: Actualy the conductor just had to take a phone call.
episode 208: Merry Christmas Mr. Chakotay
SEASON FINALIE!
NEXT TIME ON SCIENCE FICTION THEATER 1,000,000,000!
Jim, that Mistie
"This is where the fish lives."
"I KNOW!"
"I'm cahmeeng!"
"Nay, faith, let not me play a woman, I have a beard coming." -Flute the
bellows-mender
"Dreams are like TV for the mind." -me