NEW MiSTING: The Field Trip [STNG, Marrissa, Ratliff] [PG] [4/8]
MBlackw415
>
> In the stream, the five children walked toward it's source.
Crow: What would be the source of an "it is" anyway?
Mike: You know, every single one of Ratliff's English teachers
must be locked up in a padded cell babbling nonsensically
at this point.
>Marrissa led the way, consulting her tricorder to make sure they
>didn't get off track.
Mike: And cracking her whip with deadly accuracy if they did!
Tom: Marrissa can't follow a STREAM without help?
> Jay Gordon was next. He attempted to
Crow: Gain power by attaching himself to Marrissa.
>watch both sides,
Tom: However, he failed miserably and decided to just
concentrate on the left.
> swinging his phaser rifle to each side, as he
>peered into the dense undergrowth of the forest.
Mike: This segment brought to you by the NRA, which promotes gun safety
at all times!
> Clara was next,
>absorbed in her PADD.
Tom: Actually, the blue liquid just represents Clara.
> She was not paying much attention to her
>surroundings.
Tom: And ran straight into a tree.
Mike: *Thud!*
Tom: [Clara] Ow! Damn tree...
Mike: *Thud!*
Tom: [Clara] Ow! Damn tree...
Mike: *Thud!*
Tom: [Clara] Ow! Damn tree...
> Instead Clara was designing devices to allow the
>group to get early warning of their enemies.
Tom: [Clara]: I call them "banana peels". Hee hee!
> Shayna moved up the
>stream next, a tad bored and definitely tiring.
Mike: Sure, what 10 year old *wouldn't* be bored when all the
adults around them have died, their shuttle has crash landed
on a strange planet, and mysterious aliens will kill them
on sight?
> Alexander
>brought up the rear, putting the little training he had to use as
>the rear guard.
Mike: His constant whines of "I don't wanna be a warrior" were scaring
away the animals, and even causing some of the plants to wither.
> "How much further," Shayna said with a yawn.
All: Not long, my little Smurfs!
> "Not much further, Shayna," Marrissa replied.
Mike: [Shayna, whining] Can we stop for drinks? Pass the chips back
here! I need to go to the bathroom again! Why can't we listen
to my radio station? This sucks! I wanna go to Disneyland!
> "It better not be," Clara said.
> "Something wrong, Clara?" Marrissa asked.
Mike: [Clara] I wanted to be Captain this time!
Crow: [Marrissa] Are you challenging my dominance?
> "I just don't like hiking though the jungle, in a stream,
>with heavy loads on my back," Clara replied bitingly.
Crow: [Clara] Can't we walk NEXT to the stream?
Tom: [Marrissa] No! Now shut up!
> "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight,"
>Jay sang.
Tom: Here it comes...
Mike: Hush, my darling. Be still, my darling. The lion's on
the phone.
> "There aren't any lions here, are there," Clara asked, with
>a note of fear.
Mike: [Marrissa] No Clara, Earth animals are exclusive to Earth.
Well, except for Barry Sanders, but he's playing the Andor
Colts this weekend.
> "No, this planet lacks large predators," Marrissa said.
Crow: [Jay] Is that why I keep trampling herbivores every
third step?
> "You are enjoying this, Marrissa, aren't you," Jay observed.
Crow: [Jay] Especially when you use the bullwhip.
> "My parents like to take camping trips when on leave,"
>Marrissa said. "I recommend Yellowstone and Yosemite on Earth
>for camping.
Crow: And if you look close enough, you can still spot one of Captain
Kirk's stunt doubles clinging precariously to El Capitan.
Mike: [Alexander] Thank you, Ms. Universal Fodor's travel guide...now
can we get out of this flipping stream???
>What we need is a hiking song."
Crow: Okay everyone! Start whistling!
[The three begin to whistle the theme to "The Bridge on the
River Kwai."]
> "Don't you dare suggest 'The Laughing Vulcan and his Dog,'"
>Jay said.
Tom: Okay, then, how about "The Pensive Andorian and his Goldfish"?
Mike: Or "The Grieving Ferengi and his Iguana"?
Crow: Or "The Slightly Peckish Horta and his Pet Rock"?
> "What about that song Jay began earlier," Shayna said.
Mike: Here, I'll start you out. o/~ Hey! Who's that playing?
Hey! The guitar? o/~
Tom: Mikey? Let's move on, shall we?
> "Please no Disney," Clara said.
Tom: Um, technically, "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" wasn't Disney...
Mike: It's a forlorn hope, guys. He's already warned us.
Crow: All the light has gone out of the universe...
> "What do have against Disney songs," Marrissa asked.
Mike: Oh, nothing at all, when they're used in the proper setting...
and a Marrissa story is NOT one of those!
Tom: Anyway, it's not the songs so much as it is the royalties
payments.
> "Perhaps she dislikes their cheerful nature like," Jay
>began.
Crow: Uh oh. Jay's been driven insane by fear already.
> "Supercalifragilisticexpeladous, You may think the sound
>of it is something quite atrocious."
Mike: Of course, if you say it loud enough, you'll all get halitosis.
> "I was talking about the cartoons," Clara stated.
> "Oh, then ones like," Alexander began, "Heigh-ho."
Crow: No, that's how you greet Marrissa.
Mike: Or Kermit the Frog.
> "Heigh-ho," Jay responded, then together they continued.
>
Crow: Oh, dear sweet merciful creator in Heaven...
Tom: He's really doing it. Stephen's going to make us listen
to the Marrissa gang sing Disney songs.
Mike: It was bound to happen sooner or later.
Tom: Could be worse, gang. Marrissa could be singing songs from
Marilyn Manson or Counting Crows.
Mike: True, Tom. Very true.
> To make your troubles go,
Crow: Yes! Please! Tell me! I'll do anything!
> Just keep singing all day long
> Heigh-ho, heigh-ho,
Tom: [Marrissa] Hi!
Mike: Oh, stop it.
> Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho,
Mike: [Flanders] Hi-diddly-ho, neighborooski!
Tom: Hi, Guy!
Crow: Hai-Keeba!
> For if you're feeling low,
Crow: Get lifts in your shoes.
> You positively can't go wrong
Crow: Something definitely wrong... I'm singing, but
I still feel miserable!
> With a heigh, heigh-ho,
Tom: o/~ The Army's on the go! Count off the cadence
loud and strong! o/~
> Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho,
Mike: I'm detecting a recurring theme of "heigh-ho" here.
> It's home from work we go,
Crow: Hey, Tom--how do you do that exploding head thing?
Tom: Oh, sure...I tell you, and soon everyone's doing it.
Just suck it up, fembot.
> [whistle]
Tom: I wonder if Ratliff's ever heard Tom Waits' version
of this song?
> Heigh-ho, heigh-ho,
> Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho,
> All five in a row,
Mike: Weren't there seven in the original?
Tom: Doc and Sneezy got snuffed when they tried to go over
to Dreamworks.
> [whistle]
> With a heigh, heigh-ho.
>
All: [a la the "Neon" ad] HI!!!!
> "That's not my problem," Clara stated.
Tom: Well, it's a BIG problem for me, pal.
Mike: [Clara] I think I wasn't loved as a child.
> "Then perhaps it's the sappy romantic songs," Jay suggested.
> "Oh you mean like," Marrissa began,
>
Mike: [falsetto] o/~ NEEEEEEEEEEAR, FAAAAAAAAAAAAAR, wher-EV-er
you AAAAAAAAAAAARE... o/~
Tom: Stop that!
Crow: [whimpers]
> Tale as old as time.
Crow: Back when the amoebas would sit down around the molten lava
and tell each other scary stories.
> Tune as old as song.
Crow: o/~ Starfleet officers as old as "Rugrats." o/~
> Bittersweet and strange
Mike: The new rhubarb-flavored Starburst.
> Finding you can change
> Learning you were wrong.
Tom: Suddenly, from out of the woods, the evil Disney Lawyer
raiders attack!
Crow: Nice try.
>
> Certain as the sun
> Rising in the east
Crow: Well, there's always the chance the sun will *set* in the east.
Mike: Been watching _The Green Berets_ again?
Crow: Unfortunately.
> Both a little scared,
Mike: More than a little scared! Look what you've done to my pals,
Ratliff! Tom's been traumatized, and Crow...
[Mike points to Tom, who's shivering. Crow, on the other hand...]
Crow: o/~`Cause baby I'm just a scared and lonely rider , But I gotta
find out how it feels I want to know if love is wild, girl I want
to know if love is reaaaaaal o/~
Mike: ...well, Crow thinks he's Springsteen now.
> neither one prepared.,
Crow: Damn! I knew that I should have taken that Pre-SAT!
> Beauty and the Beast.
>
Tom: Yeah, there's a real peppy hiking song for ya!
Mike: Hey, you've bounced back pretty well, Tom.
Tom: Oh, it's nothing, Mike. Zen-like, I've transcended
pain and entered an entirely new state of consciousness
where I don't really care that THEY'RE SINGING COMPLETELY
IRRELEVANT SONGS AND BOGGING DOWN WHAT LITTLE PLOT
THERE IS TO THIS THING....oh, great. I've lost it.
Thanks a *lot*, Mike.
> "Actually, I kinda like that one," Clara said.
Tom: [Clara] And now you've ruined it, forever! Boohoo!
> "Then it's the big production numbers," Jay said.
Mike: [Jay] Ok, now, just like in 'Showgirls', and a one,
and a two...
> "Like,
>I'm gonna be a mighty king, so enemies beware!"
Mike: I get the feeling that if Jay was king, the revolutionaries
would be too busy laughing at him to depose him.
Crow: I used to have respect for Disney. Now... Oh my...
> "Well I've never seen a king of beasts with quite so little
>hair!"
Crow: o/~ I've never seen a Starfleet Commander who should still
be in child care!...o/~ [spoken] till I started reading Ratliff.
> Alexander replied, and the two continued the song back and
>forth.
Mike: Somehow, I just can't picture Worf investing in Disney movies.
Crow: Yeah, but the only parts he ever watches are the ones with Scar
or Cruella DeVille or where Bambi's mom gets iced.
> "I'm gonna be the mane event,
Crow: AUGH! Puns can kill!
> like no king was before. I'm
>brushing up on looking down,
Mike: [Marrissa] I've already mastered looking down on lower life
forms, thank you very much.
> I'm working on my roar!"
Crow: o/~ And of course I'm always working on my Kobayashi Maru
score! o/~
> "Thus far a rather uninspiring thing..."
> "Oh I just can't wait to be king!"
Tom: [Jay] The paralyzing stresses of command, the claustrophobic
confines of a fortified palace, the gruesome specter of
forced marriages...
Mike: You're forgetting that this is a Ratliff fic. Here, control
over a vast army just means you get to pour more strawberry
juice on people.
> "Well you've quite a long way to go, young master, if you
>think..."
Crow: No, he doesn't. He'd follow Marrissa off a cliff and then ask
to be reassigned to her command.
> "No one saying 'Do this!'"
All: Except Marrissa.
> "Now when I said that..."
> "No one saying 'Be there!'" Shayna broke in.
[Tom makes alarm sounds]
Mike: [Jay] Shayna, put back my TV!
> "What I meant was..." Alexander said.
> "No one saying 'Stop that!'" Jay sang.
All: STOP THAT!
> "But you don't realize..." Alexander said.
Mike: Awww, they didn't stop.
> "No one saying 'See here!'" Shayna said.
> "Now SEE HERE!" Alexander said.
Tom: Now SHUT UP!!!
Crow: Now they're not singing...they're "saying"?
Mike: Maybe they're rapping.
Crow: Lord, that's a frightening thought.
> "Free to run around all day... free to do it all my way!"
>Jay said
All: [Frantically] I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer.
Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration...
> "I think it's time that you and I arranged a heart to
>heart." Alexander said.
Mike: [Jay] Sure. Nurse, prep the Klingon for transplant.
> "Kings don't need advice from little hornbills for a start!"
>Jay sang
Crow: o/~ We're all underage officers....we'll blow some
planets apart! o/~
> "If this is where the monarchy is headed, count me out! Out
>of service, out of Africa,
Mike: I had a farm out of there.
> I wouldn't hang about. This child is
>getting wildly out of wing..." Alexander sang.
Mike: Remember, guys, Stephen's just doing this to irritate us.
Bots: It's working!
> "Oh I just can't wait to be king!" Jay sang. "Everybody look
>left! Everybody look right! Everywhere you look I'm standing in
>the spotlight!"
Mike: Hey, y'know...if you tilt your head to the side and
squint, it looks like the real Lion King movie.
Crow: [hopefully] Really?
Mike: No, not really.
> "Not YET!" Alexander said.
All: Not EVER!!!
[Tom quietly weeps]
> Even Clara joined in for the chorus. "Let every creature go
>for band sing. Let's hear it in the herd and on the wing! It's
>gonna be King Simba's finest fling..."
Tom: So ignore each & every little thing...
Mike: And let the anvils ring...
Crow: And don't forget that khakis swing...
> "Oh I just can't wait to be king! Oh I just can't wait to
>be king! Oh I just can't wait to be king!" Jay said.
Tom: Someone tell me that didn't really happen!
Crow: Can he wait to be king?
Mike: I'm not sure. I don't think so.
Crow: [Marrissa] I think that will be my battle cry until I'm
Admiral of Starfleet.
> "Now wasn't that a nice tune?" Jay asked.
Mike: In your hands....
All: NO!
Mike: [Jay] But it saved the author the trouble of writing his
own material!
> "Yes, but that's not the problem. It's just that I can't get
>the tunes out of my head once I hear them," Clara said.
Crow: But why didn't you just stop them from singing?! You
could've saved us both a lot of mental anguish!
> "Those
>tunes are going to be running around in my head for days! Thanks
>guys."
>
Tom: Well, *I* never have that problem.
Mike: o/~ Baby, we can talk all night. But that ain't getting
us nowhere...o/~
Tom: Damn you, Mike Nelson.
Mike: Meanwhile, I think we need some long term psychological
evaluation to see what damage those songs did to our minds.
Let's go, guys...
[Mike lifts up Servo, and the trio departs.]
[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .]
[SOL Bridge - Tom & Servo are gathered around a toy piano with
various piles of sheet music laying about]
Tom: Number 88, then.
Crow: Okay, let's try it from the top
Crow & Tom: [singing]
[TTO: It's a Small World]
o/~ It's a world where children get the last laugh,
Where they start their careers landing shuttlecraft.
It's a really sad day,
If your name's Throwaway,
It's Marrissa's world, that's all.
It's Marrissa's world, that's all.
It's Marrissa's world, that's all.
It's Marrissa's world, that's all.
It's Marrissa's world.
Alexander says he's not a warrior,
Clara says warp physics are boring her.
Jay Gordon's a wimp,
But, uh, but – o/~
Crow: Oh forget it.
Tom: Yeah, that song's even more annoying than Marrissa!
Crow: Let's try number 56 instead.
Crow & Tom: [singing]
[TTO: Bibbidy-Bobbedy-Boo]
o/~ Take Shayna & Clara,
Throw in Alexander,
Don't forget Jay Gordon, too.
Add in Marrissa and what've you got?
Ol' Stephen Ratliff's Kids' Crew!
Conquering planets,
You gotta hand it
To them, you know that it's true.
Soon they'll lay waste to the whole galaxy,
So look out, here come the Kids' Crew! o/~
Tom: Wait, wait, wait.
Crow: What? That's not bad.
Tom: I know, but just it doesn't have that modern Disney feel
to it, y'know? We need something that has that 90's
Mousetown sound.
Crow: Something with that Alan Mencken/Tim Rice/Elton John vibe?
Tom: Exactly!
Crow: Hmmm - something like number 104?
Crow & Tom: [singing]
[TTO: Prince Ali]
o/~ Princess she, annoying with glee, little Marrissa!
Luckiest pre-teen in Starfleet, definitely
She faced the Trakce goons,
Underneath those alien moons.
Who sent those dimbulbs to their dooms, why Princess, she! o/~
Crow: Whaddaya think?
Tom: Hmmmm - it's okay, but it still lacks something.
[Mike enters]
Mike: Hey, fellas. Still trying to write that Marrissa/Disney parody?
Crow: Yeah, but we're missing something.
Mike: Really? [smiles knowingly]
Tom: You dog, what've got up your sleeve?
Mike: Hey, how'd you know? [pulls a music sheet form out of the sleeve
of his jumpsuit] Try this one on for size.
[Crow & Servo look it over]
Crow: Mike, I'm shocked!
Mike: Oh?
Crow: Yeah, this is actually pretty good.
Tom: It's so unlike you.
Mike: Thanks, I - hey!
Crow: Let's try it, then, shall we?
All: [TTO: Be Our Guest]
o/~ She's a pest, she's a pest,
But her flying is the best.
She can land a wounded shuttle
And her hair just won't get messed.
Fresh hot death she will serve
Only Marrissa has the nerve!
Her main talent is for killin'
Don't believe me? Ask the villains.
They all scream, they all die,
After all, they're not that bright,
Romulan and Cardie lives all count for less.
Go on and run away,
Or you will rue the day
You met the pest, yes, the pest, she's a pest! o/~
Mike: o/~ There are more kids in store,
She's got cohorts by the score. o/~
Crow: o/~ They're minors, but they're no finer
Than the one that they adore. o/~
Tom: o/~ Jay Alan, Clara too,
They all know just what to do. o/~
Mike: o/~ Like Shayna and Alexander,
And their pint-sized, crazed commander! o/~
Tom: o/~ They defeat helpless foes,
They just mow them down in rows.
They get beaten by a bunch of kids, no less. o/~
Crow: o/~ They always save the day, except for Throwaway o/~
Tom: [speaking] Kinda gratuitous, isn't it?
Crow: I still hurt, Tom.
All: o/~ They're all pests, they're all pests, they're all
PE-E-E-E-ESTS! o/~
[The bots stare at Mike for a moment, before Crow speaks up.]
Crow: That was great, Mike. But there's one little problem.
Mike: What?
Crow: We've already done a song parody with that one.
Mike: Oh. [pause] Well, I suppose I could throw one together
based on "The Ballad of the Green Berets."
[Lights flash]
Tom: Whoops! No time for that, Mike! We've got pest sign!
All : YAAAAH!!!! WE'VE GOT PEST SIGN!! YAAAAAH!!!!!!!!
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