<MSTing> Pt7/9 "Windmills"
the...@my-dejanews.com
this would end in eight parts... due to excess pages, it'll have to go to
nine.
Feel free to comment- it's my first completed MSTing, and more is coming...
PLEASE! Whatever you do, DON'T give a way the shocking surprise ending to...
"WINDMILLS OF THE GODS"
<< MSTing - "Windmills of the Gods" - Part VII of IX >>
MIKE and bots enter the theater.
> Edward turned to the children. "You two finish your dinner. Your
>mother and I would like to have a little talk."
> "Don't we get a vote?" Tim asked.
> "By absentee ballot."
CROW: Then it's settled. Miami Mayor Xavier Suarez is the next ambassador
to Romania.
> Edward took Mary's arm and led her into the library. He turned to
> her and said, "I'm sorry if I sounded like a pompous ass in there.
MIKE: I'd meant to sound like a condescending patrician.
>It was just such a-"
> "No. You were perfectly right, Edward. Why on Earth should they
> have chosen me?"
> When Mary called him Edward, he knew he was in trouble.
TOM (as commercial announcer): Not going anywhere for a while? Grab a
Snickers.
> "Honey, you'd probably make a great ambassador, or ambassadress, or
>whatever they call it these days.
CROW: Ha! These kids today, with their ambassadresses and their Puff
Daddies and their fiber optic communication networks...
>But you must admit it came as a bit of a shock."
> Mary softened. "Try thunderbolt."
MIKE: Oh, the new Thunderbird wine-Jolt cola cocktail! Hits the spot,
and keeps on hitting!
>She sounded like a little girl. "I still can't believe it." She
>laughed. "Wait until I tell Florence. She'll die."
CROW: Die? Ooh! Tell the kids! Oh please please please tell the kids...
> Edward was watching her closely. "You're really excited about this,
>aren't you?"
MIKE (Edward): At first I thought you would outgrow this nationally
acclaimed foreign policy expert thing, but you're really serious, aren't
you?
> She looked at him in surprise. "Of course I am. Wouldn't you be?"
> Edward chose his words carefully. "It is a great honor, honey, and
> I'm sure it's not one they would offer lightly. They must have had a
> good reason for choosing you."
TOM: You're dangerously unqualified and could bring us to the brink of
nuclear war, but I'm sure they had a good reason.
>He hesitated. "We have to think about this very carefully. About what it
>would do to our lives."
> She knew what he was going to say, and she thought: Edward's right.
> Of course he's right.
MIKE (echo): Right... right...
CROW (echo): I'll take you over my knee... knee... knee...
TOM : If you build it, he will come!
> "I can't just leave my practice and walk out on my patients. I have
> to stay here. I don't know how long you'd have to be away, but if it
> really means a lot to you,
CROW: If it means a lot to her? It's an ambassadorship, not the flippin'
presidency of the 4-H club!
>well, maybe we could work out some way where you could go over there with
> the children and I could join you whenever-"
MIKE: You can grab this great opportunity, or you can love me and the
kids. Your choice honey, no pressure...
> Mary said softly, "You crazy man. Do you think I could ever live
> away from you?"
TOM: Oh, that's healthy.
> "Well- it's an awfully big honor, and-"
> "So is being your wife. Nothing means as much to me as you and the
>children.
MIKE (Mary): Except liquor. And corn dogs. Oh, and the ponies of
course.
>I would never leave you. This town can't find another doctor like you,
> but all the government has to do to find a better ambassador than me is
> to look in the Yellow Pages."
CROW (as headline): President Nominates AAAAA Plumbing!
> He took her in his arms. "Are you sure?"
> "I'm positive. It was exciting to be asked. That's enough for-"
> The door flew open and Beth and Tim hurried in. Beth said, "I just
>called Virgil and told him you're going to be an ambassador."
MIKE (as Virgil): Oh really, how fascinating. So can I sleep over or
what?
> "Then you'd better call him back and tell him I'm not."
> "Why not?" Beth asked.
> "Your mother has decided she's going to stay here."
> "Why?" Beth wailed.
CROW: Damned good question.
>"I've never been to Romania. I've never been anywhere."
TOM (Beth): Well, in the literal sense that's not true, but my heart is
crushed! Wait- that's not true either. Oh, curse my Edwin Newmanesque
sense of exactitude!
> "Me neither," Tim said. He turned to Beth. "I told you we're never
>going to escape from this place."
MIKE: OK, I've changed my mind. I like him now.
CROW: Yeah, the only character with a brain in his head.
> "The subject is closed," Mary informed them.
>
> The following morning Mary dished the telephone number that the
>President had given her. When an operator answered, Mary said, "This is
> Mrs. Edward Ashley.
ALL (disgusted): D'OH! JEEZ! COME ON!
TOM: "Mrs. Edward Ashley." So that's the name on her doctorate, hm?
CROW: Yup, guess her book jacket has blurbs from Mrs. Steve Albright
and Mrs. Dennis Thatcher.
>I think the President's assistant- a Mr. Greene- is expecting my call."
> "One moment, please."
> A male voice on the other end said, "Hello, Mrs. Ashley?"
> "Yes," Mary said. "Would you please give the President a message
> for me?"
> "Certainly."
MIKE (Mary): "Dear Hack: Cram it!" Oh, wait, I don't want to him to get
mixed signals.
>"Would you please tell him that I'm very, very flattered by his offer,
> but my husband's profession ties him down here, so I'm afraid it would
> be impossible for me to accept. I hope he understands."
> "I'll pass on your message," the voice said noncommittally. "Thank
>you, Mrs. Ashley."
TOM (Mary): Wait, what am I doing?! Stop! Of course I'll be ambass-
> The line went dead.
TOM (Mary): Oh, bugger.
> Mary slowly replaced the receiver. It was done. For one brief
> moment, a tantalizing dream had been offered to her. But that was all
> it was. A dream. This is my real world.
CROW: Wow, who'd've thought Robert James Waller ripped off Sidney Sheldon!
>I'd better get ready for my next political science class.
MIKE (Mary): Right then! Chapter Twelve: Ambassadors are highly
respected, well paid government representatives who do little work, go to
lavish parties and I'M GONNA JAM MY HUSBAND'S SCALPEL UP HIS-
>* * *
>
>Manama,
ALL (sing): Doo-doo, da-doo-doo.
> -Bahrain
TOM and CROW: Doo-doo, doo-doo!
MIKE: Guys? That was not an appropriate use of ma-nah-ma-nah.
CROW: Aw, c'mon, Mike! There's no wrong time to ma-nah-ma-nah!
> The whitewashed stone house was anonymous hidden among dozens of
> identical houses
TOM: Mark Twain's "Ya-Sawyer Arafat".
CROW (Tom Sawyer): I could let you whitewash my house... for thirteen percent
of the West Bank.
> a short walk from the souks, the large, colorful
> outdoor markets. It was owned by a merchant sympathetic to the cause of
> the organization known as the Patriots for Freedom.
MIKE: Oh, how Manama-nous of him!
> "We will need it for only one day," a voice over the telephone had
> told him. It was arranged. Now the chairman was speaking to the men
gathered
> in the living room.
CROW (Chairman): Guys? Look, stop watching Springer and listen a sec, OK?
> "A problem has arisen," the chairman said. "The motion that was
>recently passed has run into a difficulty."
> "What sort of difficulty?" Balder asked.
MIKE: One of the really hard kinds.
> "The go between we selected- Harry Lantz- is dead."
> "Dead? Dead, how?"
TOM (sarcastically): Of a broken heart. How do you think he died, Baldy?!
> "He was murdered. His body was found floating in the harbor in
> Buenos Aires."
> "Do the police have any idea who did it? I mean- can they connect
> this to us in any way?"
MIKE: Well as long as they don't find his "Dark Branch" corporate Visa
card...
> "No. We're perfectly safe."
> Theos asked, "What about our plan? Can we go ahead with it?"
> "Not at the moment. We have no idea how to reach Angel.
CROW: Della Reese would know! Baldy, get her agent on the phone!
>However, the Controller gave Harry Lantz permission to reveal his name to
>him. If Angel is interested in our proposition, he will find a way to
> get in touch with him. All we can do now is wait."
TOM: So. Pettite- four?
>* * *
>
> The banner headline in the Junction City Daily Union read: JUNCTION
> CITY'S MARY ASHLEY DECLINES AMBASSADORSHIP.
MIKE: "PREFERS CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP WITH SUFFOCATING QUACK".
> There was a two-column story about Mary, and a photograph of her. On
>KJCK, the afternoon and evening broadcasts carried feature stories on the
>town's new celebrity.
CROW: But the Morning Zoo refused to bump their "Slick Willie" song parody
contest.
TOM (sings): We don't have to take our, clothes off!
> The fact that Mary Ashley had rejected the
> President's offer made the story even bigger than if she had accepted
> it. In the eyes of its proud citizens, Junction City Kansas was a lot
> more important than Bucharest, Romania.
CROW: What a sad, sad thing to be proud of.
> When Mary Ashley drove into town to shop for dinner, she kept
> hearing her name on the car radio.
> "...Earlier, President Ellison had announced that the ambassadorship
> to Romania would be the beginning of his people-to-people program,
TOM (radio): ...which quite frankly we're sick of hearing about already.
>the cornerstone of his foreign policy. How Mary Ashley's refusal to
> accept the post will reflect on-"
> She switched to another station.
MIKE (radio): "-the turtle known as Gamera is once again flying over
Tokyo."
> "... is married to Dr. Edward Ashley, and it is believed that-"
> Mary switched off the radio. She had received at least three dozen
>phone calls that morning from friends, neighbors, students, and curious
>strangers.
CROW: Some of which were friends, neighbors, and students.
> Reporters had called from as far away as London and Tokyo. They're
>building this up all out of proportion, Mary thought. It's not my fault
> that the President decided to base the success of his foreign policy on
>Romania.
MIKE: It's not my fault I'm thick as a rubber mallet.
>I wonder how long this pandemonium is going to last. It will probably be
>over in a day or two.
TOM: Mary Ashley really needs a big sister to talk to about this.
CROW: Yeah! Someone who'd lend a sympathetic ear, then lovingly take her
aside and slap her 'til her face bleeds!
> She drove the station wagon into a Derby gas station and pulled up
> in front of the self-service pump.
MIKE (Mary): OK, it's $1.18 and 9/10ths per gallon for 87 octane, and $1.24
and 9/10ths per gallon for 89 octane, but it's five cents less per gallon at
the self-service pump, but then it's five cents more per gallon with a credit
card...
> As Mary got out of the car, Mr. Blount, the station manager, hurried
>over to her.
MIKE (Mary): ...but I could go to Shell and get free gas with my Shell card,
but it's four and five-tenths cents more per gallon, so the free gas is more
expensive than-
> "Mornin' Mrs. Ashley.
MIKE (Mary, startled): Gah!
> An ambassador lady ain't got no call
> to be pumpin' her own gas. Let me give you a hand."
> Mary smiled. "Thanks. I'm used to doing it."
CROW (Mary): Distasteful as it is.
> "No, no, I insist."
> When the tank was filled, Mary drove down Washington Street and
> parked in front of the Shoe Box.
> "Mornin', Mrs. Ashley,' the clerk greeted her. "How's the
> ambassador this mornin'?"
> This is going to get tiresome, Mary thought.
TOM: Yeah, well I'm five chapters ahead of you, girlfriend.
>Aloud, she said, "I'm not an ambassador, but I'm fine, thank you."
CROW: There's not really any other way she could say it.
>She handed him a pair of shoes. "I'd like to have Tim's shoes resoled."
> The clerk examined them. "Ain't these the ones we did last week?"
> Mary sighed. "And the week before."
MIKE (Mary): Here's twelve cents. Have one of the Nike people work on
it for an hour.
> Mary's next stop was at Long's Department store. Mrs. Hacker, the
>manager of the dress department, said to her, "I just heard your name on
> the radio. You're puttin' Junction City on the map. Yes, sir. I guess
> you and Eisenhower and Alf Landon are Kansas's only political big shots,
> Mrs. Ambassador."
CROW (as Bob Dole): Oh, right. Bob Dole doesn't need this. Drop your
bags, Liddy, we're going to K-Mart.
> "I'm not an ambassador" Mary said patiently. "I turned it down."
> "That's what I mean."
> It was no use.
CROW: "Friends" was going to be on the air forever!
>Mary said, "I need some jeans for Beth. Preferably something in iron."
MIKE: A wood burning stove?
TOM: Bessemer steel?
CROW: One-A-Day Vitamins?
> "How old is Beth now? About ten?"
> "She's twelve."
TOM: Hey guys, let's see who can do the sickest riff.
MIKE: OK. Once, twice, threes... shoot!
CROW: Ready to date Jerry Seinfeld.
TOM: Ready to pursue anorexia as a path to Olympic gold.
MIKE: Ready to outwit an Ol' Miss grad.
TOM and CROW: Hey!
CROW: Oh, so all Southerners are stupid, huh, Nelson?
MIKE: But you said... the sickest... with the Seinfeld and the anorexic-
TOM: Oh, just save it, bigot.
> "Land's sake, they grow so fast these days, don't they? She'll be a
>teenager before you know it."
> "Beth was born a teenager, Mrs. Hacker."
TOM: Now there's a painful delivery!
> "How's Tim?"
> "He's a lot like Beth."
CROW (Mary): Which reminds me... Do you have two copies of the latest
Babysitter's Club book?
> The shopping took Mary twice as long as usual. Every one had some
>comment to make about the big news. She went into Dillon's to buy some
>groceries,
MIKE: And a leopard skin pillbox hat!
>-and was studying the shelves when Mrs. Dillon approached.
> "Mornin', Mrs. Ashley."
> "Good morning, Mrs. Dillon. Do you have a breakfast food that has
>nothing in it?"
TOM: Sure, Honey Coated Sugar Smacks. Diggum!
CROW: Well what about Apple Jacks? Can't be much of anything in them.
MIKE: Rice Crispies always struck me as being the most insubstantial
breakfast food.
> "What?"
> Mary consulted a list in her hand. "No artificial sweeteners, no
>sodium, fats, carbohydrates,
CROW: That leaves water and styrofoam packing material.
>caffeine, caramel coloring, folic acid, or flavorites."
TOM: The Flavorites sound like little animated creatures that hide in the
hollow tree, move things around and make the Keebler elves go mental.
> Mrs. Dillon studied the paper. "Is this some kind of medical
>experiment?'
MIKE: Of course not! Now get me 12 rabbits, 24 eyelid clips and some
Revlon cosmetics!
> "In a sense. It's for Beth. She'll only eat natural foods."
> "Why don't you just put her out to pasture and let her graze?"
CROW: Because that would be repeating a joke, breaking an inviolable rule
of comedy.
MIKE: Unless it's a running gag.
TOM: The Great Zamlok! Huzzah!
>Mary laughed. "That's what my son suggested." Mary picked up a package
> and studied the label.
MIKE (reading): "Warning! The Surgeon General has determined..." oh,
hell, that can't be important.
>"It's my fault. I never should have taught Beth how to read."
CROW (Mary): Although in retrospect, that toilet training thing is
starting to make a lot of sense. Oh well. Maybe when we get a toilet.
> Mary drove home carefully, climbing the winding hill towards Milford
>Lake. It was a few degrees above zero,
MIKE: That's not much of an incline for a hill.
TOM: More like a skateboard park for Walter Matthau.
>-but the windchill factor brought the temperature down well below zero,
> for there was nothing to stop the winds from their biting sweep across
> the endless plains. The lawns were covered with snow and Mary
> remembered the previous winter when an ice storm had swept the county
TOM: ...but still didn't get any Oscar nominations.
>-and the ice snapped the power lines. They had no electricity for almost
> a week.
MIKE: For dinner, they stuck pencils in frozen burritos and called'em
Acapul-pops.
>She and Edward made love every night.
CROW: And war every day.
>Maybe we'll get lucky again this winter, she grinned to herself.
TOM: Well, I could see how she feels. No electricity, no lights, no way
to read "Windmills of the Gods".
> When Mary arrived home, Edward was still at the hospital. Tim was
> in the study watching a science-fiction program.
MIKE: Doctor Who Meets Seinfeld.
TOM (as dalek): Exterminate! No soup for you! Yadda yadda yadda.
CROW (as the Master): I am the Master- of my Own Domain!
>Mary put away the groceries and went in to confront her son.
> "Aren't you supposed to be doing your homework?"
> "I can't."
> "And why not?"
> "Because I don't understand it."
> "You're not going to understand it any better by watching Star Trek.
MIKE: Not even the black-and-white cookie episode?
TOM: Not even the creme horn of death episode.
>Let me see your lesson."
> Tim showed her his fifth-grade mathematics book. "These are dumb
>problems," Tim said.
CROW: Tim's a rebel. He doesn't play by your rules, man. Wild hearts
can't be broken.
TOM (as teenage girl): He just needs to find the right woman and settle
down. Now if I were his girlfriend...
> "There are no such things as dumb problems. There are only dumb
>students.
MIKE: That passage got Sheldon on the banned list at The Helen Keller
School for the Mute.
>Now let's take a look at this."
> Mary read the problem aloud. "A train leaving Minneapolis had one
>hundred and forty-nine people on board. In Atlanta more people boarded
> the train.
CROW: Olympic Security teams screen all passengers. How long before the
train blows up?
>Then there were two hundred and twenty-three on the train. How many
> people boarded in Atlanta?" She looked up.
TOM: How many were bored in Atlanta? Well the population is what, a
million?
MIKE: No, "boarded", Tom.
>"That's simple, Tim. You just subtract one hundred forty-nine from two
>hundred twenty-three."
CROW: Sheldon's math textbooks must thicker than the Koran.
TOM: 'Cuz there's no numerals, is what you're saying.
MIKE: Bet even the page numbers would be spelled out. "Page Two
Hundred Forty-Three... Page Two Hundred Forty-Four..."
> "No, you don't," Tim said glumly. "It has to be an equation. One
>hundred forty-nine plus N equals two hundred twenty-three. N equals two
>hundred twenty-three minus one hundred forty-nine. N equals seventy-
>four."
> "That's dumb."
TOM: Huh. Algebra. What a load of crap. Huh-huh. Whoo!
CROW: Boy, Ashley must be tons of fun at faculty parties. "There's
Professor Newton. Idiot. Professor Fuller- rube! Professor Hawkings?
Total spaz."
> As Mary passed Beth's room, she heard noises. Mary went in. Beth
> was seated on the floor, cross-legged, watching television, listening to
> a rock record, and doing her homework.
MIKE: Oh, true multi-tasking. She must be running on OS/2.
> "How can you concentrate with all this noise?' Mary shouted.
> She walked over to the television set and turned it off and then
> turned off the record player.
> Beth looked up in surprise. "What did you do that for? That was
>George Michael."
CROW: You answered your own question, sweetie.
> Beth's room was wallpapered with posters of musicians. There were
> Kiss and Van Halen,
MIKE: Oh, yeah. The Kiss poster was on more 80's teenagers walls than
Dionne Warwick or even the Bay City Rollers.
>-Motely Crue and Aldo Nova and David Lee Roth. The bed was covered with
>magazines: Seventeen and Teen Idol and half a dozen others. Beth's
> clothes were scattered over the floor.
> Mary looked around the messy room in despair. "Beth- how can you
> live like this?'
CROW (Beth): Well, the respiratory system converts the oxygen in the room
into-
> Beth looked up at her mother, puzzled. "Live like what?"
> Mary gritted her teeth. "Nothing."
TOM: Oh, live like nothing. She's a Thoreau freak.
>She looked at an envelope on her daughter's desk. "You're writing to
> Rick Springfield?"
> "I'm in love with him."
> "I thought you were in love with George Michael."
> "I burn for George Michael; I'm in love with Rick Springfield.
MIKE: I burn for Blue Oyster Cult.
CROW: Well, they're burning for you.
>Mother, in your day didn't you burn for anybody?"
> "In my day we were too busy trying to get the covered wagons across
> the country."
TOM: Now, wait. There is no way Mary Ashley was not a teenager in the
sixties.
MIKE: Well, they didn't really have a sixties in Kansas. There,
Civil Rights just meant Holsteins could mix with the Gurnseys.
> Beth sighed. "Did you know Rick Springfield had a rotten
>childhood?"
> "To be perfectly honest, Beth, I was not aware of that."
CROW (as Johnny Carson): I did not know that. That is some weird, wild
stuff.
> "It was awful. His father was in the military and they moved around
> a lot.
TOM: I would wager this does not reach the "Zlata's Diary" level of
suffering.
>He's a vegetarian too. Like me. He's awesome."
MIKE: He has the strength of ten gerbils!
> So that's what's behind Beth's crazy diet!
> "Mother, may I go to a movie Saturday night with Virgil?"
CROW: It's "Titanic", so we won't be back 'til Monday morning.
> "Virgil? What happened to Arnold?"
> There was a pause. "Arnold wanted to fool around. He's dorky."
> Mary forced herself to sound calm. "By 'fooling around', you
>mean-?"
TOM: Cartwheeling, ventriloquism, juggling rotten fruit.
> "Just because I'm starting to get breasts the boys think I'm easy.
>Mom, did you ever feel uncomfortable about your body?"
MIKE: Every time I sit in a beanbag chair, dear.
> Mary moved up behind Beth and put her arms around her. "Yes, my
>darling. When I was about your age, I felt very uncomfortable."
CROW: I know this is supposed to make me like Mary Ashley, but I don't.
MIKE: Yeah, I mean it's not like this is Superstring Theory of Parenting
or anything.
TOM: She's basically telling her daughter she's not a hideous freak.
Other than disqualifying herself from running a modeling agency, what's
the point?
> "I hate having my period and getting breasts and hair all over.
>Why?"
MIKE: Getting breasts all over?
TOM: Uh, Mary, this might be a tad more serious than puberty.
CROW: You might want to give Linda Blair a call. And if she offers you
some pea soup, duck!
> "It happens to every girl, and you'll get used to it."
> "No, I won't." She pulled away and said fiercely, "I don't mind
> being in love, but I'm never going to have sex. No one's going to make
> me. Not Arnold or Virgil or Kevin Bacon."
MIKE: Although Michelle Pfeiffer does make my skin go all tingly...
> Mary said solemnly, "Well, if that's your decision..."
> "Definitely. Mom,
CROW: -who do I talk to about having test tube baby?
>-what did President Ellison say when you told him you weren't going to be
> his ambassador?"
> "He was very brave about it," Mary assured her. "I think I'd better
>get dinner started."
TOM (Mary): We're having oysters on the half shell, garnished with
powdered rhinoceros horn. And you'd better not try taking any of those
976 calls during supper, young lady!
MIKE: Tommy? Can we take it down a notch or three here?
TOM: Sorry.
>
> Cooking was Mary Ashley's secret bete noir. She hated to cook, and
>consequently was not very good at it, and because she liked to be good at
>everything she did, she hated it even more.
CROW: Hating it even more made her still more worse at it, although not as
much more worse as when she was bad at it originally.
>It was a vicious circle that had partly been solved by having Lucinda
> come in three times a week to cook and clean house. This was one of
> Lucinda's days off.
TOM: Well. That was one roller coaster of a paragraph, huh guys?
MIKE: Caution! Filler may be hot!
> When Edward came home from the hospital, Mary was in the kitchen,
>burning some peas.
TOM (Mary): Confess! You're a legume, admit it!
> She turned off the stove and gave Edward a kiss.
>"Hello darling. How was your day? Dorky?"
> "You've been communication with our daughter," Edward said. "As a
>matter of fact, it was dorky. I treated a thirteen-year-old girl this
>afternoon who had genital herpes."
CROW: The Great Zamlok! Huzzah!
TOM: D'oh, jeez. Mike! Crow took our running joke and twisted it into a
tool of the devil!
CROW: Did not.
TOM: Did so!
MIKE: All right, both of you simmer down. If you can't play nice with
your friend Zamlok, maybe he shouldn't come over anymore.
> "Oh, darling!"
CROW (sings): Please believe me!
> She threw out the peas and opened a can of tomatoes.
TOM (Edward): Aw, wait, honey! Give peas a chance!
> "You know, it makes me worry about Beth."
> "You don't have to," Mary assured him. "She's planning to die a
>virgin."
CROW: Our little girl- planning out her cold, lonely existence without the
comfort of love. I'm so proud!
> At dinner Tim asked, "Dad, can I have a surfboard for my birthday?"
MIKE: Sure, if I can have an ANNULMENT for mine.
> "Tim- I don't want to rain on your parade, but you happen to live in
>Kansas."
TOM: Ugh, that's rain, snow, and sulfurous meteors descending from above.
> "I know that. Johnny invited me to go to Hawaii with him next
> summer. His folks have a beach house in Maui."
CROW: The vacation spot cats ask for by name!
> "Well," Edward said reasonably, "if Johnny has a beach house then he
>probably has a surfboard."
> Tim turned to his mother. "Can I go?"
MIKE: For the last time, we can't afford a bathroom!
> "We'll see. Please don't eat so fast, Tim. Beth, you're not eating
>anything."
> "There's nothing here that's fit for human consumption."
TOM: The asparagus is wilted, and this Chardonnay borders on vulgar!
>She looked at her parents. "I have an announcement to make. I'm going
> to change my name."
CROW (Beth): To Beth Ashley.
MIKE: But you are-
CROW (Beth): Yes, but to a different Beth Ashley. That way I don't have
to change the stationary.
> Edward asked carefully, "Any particular reason?"
> "I've decided to go into show business."
TOM (Beth): I'm going to be the next Anna Nicole Smith! Is grandpa
married?
> Mary and Edward exchanged a long, pained look.
> Edward said, "Okay. Find out how much you can get for them."
CROW: Ask for $50 K... settle for car fare home!
TOM: Hey, maybe they sold'em to Steven Spielberg so he could make
"Goonies".
MIKE: It would explain a lot.
Logo, commercials- Always, always, always Coke-a-Cola.
<End Part VII>
I do! I do like e-mail and ham! Thank you, thank you, Sam-I-Am!
peasporr...@hotmail.com
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