[MiSTing] A Brother, Captain, and King 3/11 [NC-17]
Kaitou Juliet
>
> *
Tom: It's the abbreviated version of that Van Gogh painting....
>
> But how my confidence in my resolve was betrayed.
Joel: It promised it could get grape juice out of my carpet!
>
> For yes, an enemy known will never get you by surprise, yet it can
> still wear a man down by constant attacks.
Crow: Apparently Aragorn has discovered Boromir's true nature.
>
> During the long darkness in Moria,
Joel: So, Moria's in Sweden, or Alaska, is it?
> I often found myself looking at
> Boromir,
Tom: [Aragorn] Murder in my thoughts....
> cherishing his proximity, damming his voluntary distance.
Joel: Is Boromir's distance pooling behind a pile of logs?
Tom: Maybe it's generating a cheap form of electricity.
Crow: It's generating something cheap, all right.
>
> He was a man worthy to fight at my side, to be at my side. And yet,
> his constant rejection, negligent sometimes, baleful mostly, rankled
> me beyond belief.
Joel: [pissy Aragorn] I cannot abide being ignored!
>
> I was no less worthy, not by an inch.
Crow: So no longer envious, then? Guess he *measured up*--nudge,
nudge.
>
> I never let my guard slip, never uttered a word that was not carefully
> weighted, never let show neither my hate nor my love.
Tom: Ooh, a double negative! Two negatives equal a positive!
> And yet, he did
> not accept me.
Joel: [Boromir] This Aragorn's defective. Send it back.
>
> Even when fighting orcs together in the deep mines of Moria, when
> battle had brought us together back to back, shoulder to shoulder, he
> always drew back on purpose as soon as the fight allowed.
Crow: Boromir should know that the withdrawl method is the least
effective of the lot.
>
> Whenever I looked at him to see if through mutual battle the ice that
> separated us might have broken,
Joel: [Aragorn] In the hopes that he'd fallen through to his death...
> he always caught up my look, smiled at
> me with a twisted snarl
Tom: So...not a smile, then.
> and eyes so spiteful it hurt far more than all
> the bruises and scratches the orcs had managed to give me.
Joel: If looks could...wound?
> And than he
> always turned back to battle again, with renewed fervor, as if to show
> me that the only thing he needed less than my friendship was my sword.
Crow: I have a feeling that'll change soon enough.
>
> I hated him for always rekindling my love, yet never allowing it to
> reach him.
>
> I hated him.
>
> *
Tom: StarKist says, "Sorry, Charlie."
>
> The last time he hurt me was when we just had left Moria. Gandalf the
> Grey, dear friend and leader of our fellowship, had fallen under the
> shadow.
Joel: Must be a pretty frail guy, eh?
>
> All our hearts were wounded, and grief and shock were deep in all of
> us. I looked into Boromir face and saw his pain,
Tom: Someone should tell him to stop trying to think.
> the fear of our
> mission endangered, the fear of the last hope for his people lost.
>
> My only wish was to console him, to ease his pain, to be with him in
> this grave moments.
Tom: [Aragorn] Moments before I threw dirt over his cold, dead face?
Crow: Ask for him tomorrow and you shall find him a grave man.
> I went up to him, intending to offer my arms like
> the friend of his I longed to be,
Joel: So Aragorn's planning on tearing off his arms to give to Boromir?
Tom: The things we do for love.
> and for a moment it looked as if he
> might accept my offer.
Crow: He's exercising his right to bare arms.
>
> But then again, his face grew hard,
Crow: Just his face?
> his eyes glaring spitefully - and
> abruptly he turned away to console Hobbits!
Tom: [Aragorn] What have they got that I haven't got?!
Crow: Oh, so many places I so won't go!
>
> I dearly loved our small companions, but
Joel: [Aragorn] ...that is another fanfic entirely.
> that very moment, I learned
> what emotion it is that makes men kill their beloved ones.
Tom: Yes, it's the same pure rage you feel every time Boromir opens his
mouth.
>
> Boromirs rejection hurt deep, deeper than any before, for my heart too
> was wounded, and could hardly stand this second blow.
Crow: Wait! There was a first blow, and I missed it?
>
> But I urged down my
Tom: [Aragorn] ...rising gorge...
> pain, focused on more important matters at hand
> and tried to stay with reason.
Joel: "Reason" left a long time ago.
> I called my friends to hurry on, for
> soon the hills we stood upon would be overrun by orcs in search of us.
Crow: Six Orcs in Search of a Fellowship.
>
> But Boromir, stouthearted
Tom: ...and thickheaded...
> as ever, stood up against me,
Crow: [Aragorn] And then the music started, and we tangoed the night
away.
> calling me
> heartless not to allow them a moment of grief for their fallen
> comrade.
>
> Yes, Boromir, rightfully you called me heartless, for
Tom: [Aragorn] I have this nifty electric pacemaker instead!
> I had closed my
> sore heart and did not want to hear anything it said.
Joel: I get this image of Aragorn standing with his eyes shut and his
hands over his ears, shouting "LA LA LA LA LA!"
> But it was you,
> with your arrogance, your unnecessary spite and constant rejection who
> turned me heartless, so what right you had to blame me?
>
> It was you with your split soul
Tom: Is Boromir Damien or something? One half good, and the other half
evil beyond imagining?
> who almost tore me apart, and your
> allegations hurt all the more for they were justified and came from
> you -
Tom: Wow--thanks for clearing up where those allegations came from.
> whose reprimands I could stand less than anybody elses.
>
> But then again, I managed to stay with reason,
Joel: Now let's not jump to any conclusions...
> to argue on with elven
> calm in my voice, and though you almost broke my heart that day, we
> were in Lorien before nightfall, all my pain buried deep beneath my
> duty.
Joel: Aragorn's like a dog, burying his pain, along with his duty, in
the back yard.
Tom: He'll dig it all up in a few days and track it in the house, you
watch.
>
> *
Tom: [quoting Shakespeare] From forth the fatal loins of these two
foes/A pair of star-crossed lovers take their life/Whose
misadventured piteous overthrows/do with their death bury their
readers' strife.
>
> Much has been said about Galadriel, the Lady of the Woods, many things
> true, yet most of it mere rumors,
Joel: [Aragorn] We're just good friends, really!
> but one thing above all has ever
> been true:
Tom: She really isn't a natural blonde!
>
> Whoever looks into the eyes of Galadriel will never again leave the
> forest of Lothlorien,
Crow: Once they get a taste of that hot forest witch lovin', they never
look back!
> for her eyes see deep into the hearts of elves,
> dwarves, men or halflings.
Tom: But she just doesn't *get* orcs.
> And whatever she sees, it will change the
> one facing her gaze, and he will be someone else upon leaving.
Joel: They become Transformers--more than meets the eye!
Crow: Orc battles just got THAT much cooler!
>
> I had seen her before, and I never dreaded her gaze as did many others
> I knew.
Tom: That's because she changed you and made you not yourself. So you
forgot it all. Kinda like _Clean Slate_.
> Any thought of Boromir, together with my sore heart, was
> utterly yet unintendedly forgotten,
Joel: How convenient.
> my mind bent on our task, trying
> to find a way to deal with the loss of our guide and leader.
Tom: [Aragorn] Dick Gephart, WHY?!
>
> But however deep my pain was buried, the eyes of Galadriel see deeper,
Crow: Wow--she has x-ray vision like Superman!
> and for the first time in my life, she did find something in my heart
> she did not approve of when at dusk we were presented to her and her
> husband Celeborn.
Tom: A heart murmur?
Crow: A valve defect?
Joel: Heart disease due to a poor diet of nothing but lots and lots of
red meat?
>
> 'REMEMBER', she said,
Joel: [Galadriel] ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES.
> without a word, a voice pounding my head like a
> hammer of ice.
Crow: Wouldn't a hammer of ice shatter and stuff? Ah, just go with it,
I suppose.
Tom: [sings, as Aragorn] If she had a hammer, she'd hammer in the
morning, she'd hammer in the evening, all over my head....
> 'I AM GALADRIEL, MOTHER OF CELEBRIAN, THE MOTHER OF
> ARWEN UNDOMIEL.'
Joel: Galadriel hasn't learned yet that shouting isn't polite,
apparently.
>
> Her look turned into a threat, politely still, yet more intimidating
> than any I had encountered before.
Crow: The word on the street is Galadriel used to be a civil servant.
>
> 'I WILL NOT LET MY DAUGHTERS DAUGHTER GIVE HER HEART TO ANY MORTAL MAN
> WHOSE HEART IS NO LONGER HIS OWN TO GIVE HER IN TURN.'
Joel: This is every guy's worst nightmare times ten.
Crow: The grandmother-in-law from hell!
>
> Shocked,
Tom: [Aragorn] I realized someone had literally stolen my heart and
that I shouldn't have even been able to stand and speak. I
promptly rectified the situation by falling over dead, thus
ending the story. The end.
> for a mere thought I was tempted to deny,
Crow: [Aragorn] But I knew Boromir-gate would come back to haunt me.
> but well aware whom
> I faced, I lowered my head, awaiting judgement,
Joel: I had a puppy once that behaved like that when it peed on the
carpet.
> shamefully realising
> that I had utterly overlooked her relation to my betrothed.
Tom: Not the brightest star in the sky, is he?
>
> 'THE HEARTS OF MAN ARE SO WEAK, AND YET SO STRONG', her wordless voice
> thundered in my head.
Crow: The words of elves are so sure, and yet so indecisive.
>
> 'AND EVEN THE WISEST DOES NOT KNOW THE PURPOSE OF EACH THING.'
Joel: Now them's some words to live by.
>
> I looked up to meet her eyes again, unsure what punishment she might
> issue for my faithlessness.
Crow: Maybe castration?
Tom: That would be a blessing.
>
> 'YOU KNOW YOURSELF WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT AILS YOU.
Joel: [Aragorn] Yeah...pretty sure it's heartburn.
> WITHIN THESE FORESTS,
> YOU WILL REST. AND YOU WILL GATHER THE COURAGE TO FACE YOUR ENEMY, FOR
> FEELINGS UNSPOKEN WILL START TO FESTER.'
Crow: [Galadriel] YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE MAKE YOUR TIME.
Joel: Oh, I knew THAT was coming.
>
> 'FATE MIGHT NOT ALLOW YOU A SECOND CHANCE, AND THUS MIGHT LEAVE YOU
> SCARRED AND ILL PREPARED FOR TRIALS YET TO COME.'
Joel: [Aragorn] Boy, am I glad I came to the safety of Lothlorien.
>
> We were released then, and stunned by shame for both my failure
> towards Arwen and my thoughtless facing of her mothers mother,
Tom: [Aragorn] Double D'oh!
> I left.
> I went last, behind the remaining fellowship as we descended to the
> base of the trees,
Crow: [Aragorn] --Hoping a stray orc would pick me off and end my
misery.
> as Galadriel once again sent her thundering voice
> after me.
Joel: Ooo, Aragorn got a Howler.
>
> 'YOU WILL SORT THIS OUT, ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN, BEFORE YOU LEAVE
> THESE WOODS.' she scolded, soundlessly, unemotionally, yet loud enough
> to make me flinch.
Crow: [Aragorn] Yes, Mum.
Tom: [Galadriel] AND TAKE A SWEATER WITH YOU--IT'S CHILLY IN THE GLEN.
>
> 'SETTLE THIS TO ANY OUTCOME, YET SETTLE IT YOU WILL, OR OUR YOUNG
> HUMAN HERO MIGHT FIND HIMSELF UNABLE TO CLAIM THE PRIZE HE HAS BEEN
> REACHING FOR SO MANY YEARS.'
Tom: Isn't he, like, 80 or somethig?
Crow: Yeah, but she's about 3000, so it's all good.
>
> It took some time for her words to find the way to my
Tom: [Aragorn] --brain, as they were floundering about in all the empty
space in my head.
> heart, but when
> they did, it almost made me stumble. For Galadriel had not deemed me
> outright unsuitable for her daughters daughter, nor had she ordered me
> to abandon all thought of Boromir.
Crow: So she insinuated a threesome?
Joel: Ah, blessed ambiguity! Not really sure how I feel about it,
though...
> What solely she had demanded of me
> was to settle this issue between the prince and me while we were still
> in the relative safety of Lothlorien.
Tom: What's safe about a place where Galadriel can kill you any time
you piss her off?
> No disappointment had been in
> her voice, nor anger, just the ever-present, mildly condescending
> understanding of an elf talking to a man.
Joel: Elves talk to men like men talk to puppies.
>
> I have spend many years living among elves as one of them,
Crow: Now he'll publish a best-selling book, _Fey Like Me_.
> yet even I
> cannot claim to truly understand them.
Tom: That's okay, you lost the audience way back in part one, anyway.
> Many things do look far clearer
> to me in retrospective,
Joel: [sings, as Aragorn] Lately it occurs to meeeee.../What a long,
strange trip it's been.
> but when I arrived at our camp at the base of
> the trees that night,
Crow: So, it was "base camp," then?
Tom: You're not kidding.
> I admittedly was at my wits end.
Tom: Not a very far distance to travel, that.
[They stand and leave the theater.]
[SoL. The lights are dimmed, except for a spotlight on Joel, who stands
in the center of the bridge. On each side of him is a little podium
with an electric buzzer on top. Peppy music plays over the speakers.]
Joel: [game show host manner] Good evening, ladies and germs! It's
time to play "What's True About Galadriel?" But first, let's
meet our contestants for tonight. Our first contestant hails
from the Satellite of Love. His hobby is collecting underwear.
Please welcome--TOM SERVO!"
[Tom enters as canned applause plays.]
Tom: Thank you, thank you.
[He takes his place at the podium on Joel's right.]
Joel: Our second contestant, also from the Satellite of Love, lists his
main hobby as "bugging Servo." Please welcome--CROW T. ROBOT!
[Crow also enters to canned applause.]
Crow: Great to be here, Joel!
Joel: Good to have you with us.
[Crow gets behind the other podium.]
Joel: OK, now I'm just going to remind you of the rules. I'll read a
statement about Galadriel. The first one to hit the buzzer will
tell me if it's true or false. If you're correct, you earn 10
points. If incorrect, you lose 10 points.
[drumroll sounds]
Joel: Are you ready to play? On your marks... [he pulls some 3x5 index
cards out of his pocket] Many things have been said about
Galadriel, Lady of the Woods. Is this statement true or false?
"She used to date David Bowie."
[Tom pecks the buzzer with his beak.]
Tom: Um...false?
Joel: Correct! [Tom's score changes to 10.] Next one..."She's a
grandmother."
[Crow buzzes in.]
Crow: Ooh--I know this! True.
Joel: Correct! [Crow's score changes to 10.]
Tom: Oh, don't get cocky now, Crow. You know I'm gonna win.
Joel: Next statement: "She likes raw herring."
[Tom buzzes in]
Tom: [confidently] False!
Joel: Actually, Tom, that's true. She used to catch them with her bare
hands, back in the Smeagol days. Now she owns a chain of sushi
restaurants in Lothlorien, Rivendell, and Mirkwood.
[Tom's score changes to 0.]
Joel: OK, moving along..."She and Elrond had a wild fling back in the
Second Age which resulted in a bastard love child."
[Crow buzzes in.]
Crow: False!
Joel: That's correct, Crow. They did have a wild fling, but no
children resulted.
[Crow's score changes to 20.]
Crow: I know, because elves take forever to breed and all. I read that
somewhere.
Joel: Next..."Her star sign is Virgo."
[Crow buzzes in again.]
Crow: False. Scorpio.
Tom: Hey! I was going to say that!
Joel: Awww--too bad. But you didn't buzz in, Tom. In any case, Crow
is correct--her sign is Scorpio.
[Crow's score changes to 30.]
Joel: Next statement--"Her husband's name is Celeborn."
[Tom buzzes in]
Tom: That's obviously false. No one could have a name that stupid!
Joel: I'm afraid that's true, Tom.
Tom: I knew it!
Joel: No, I mean her husband's name really is Celeborn.
Tom: What?!
[His score changes to -10.]
Crow: "Celeborn" sounds kind of like "Servo," doesn't it?
Tom: You take that back!
Joel: Gentlemen, if we may continue..."She uses the Mirror to primp for
4 hours every morning."
Crow: [buzzes in] That's true, Joel. How else could she get all that
hair to stay in place?
Joel: Right you are!
[Crow's score changes to 40.]
Tom: This is rigged!
Crow: Sour grapes, Servo!
Tom: Why, you--!
Joel: Maybe we should end this right here, boys?
Tom: NO! I have to get my opportunity to crush Crow into the ground!
Joel: All right, then...Next statement, true or false: "In high
school, she played center on the Tirion field hockey team."
[Tom buzzes in]
Tom: TRUE!
Joel: I'm sorry, that's false. She was the goalie.
[Tom's score changes to -20.]
Crow: Face it, you don't know Jack about Galadriel!
Joel: Okay, okay. It's time for the final round. This one is worth 50
points, and you both get to answer it. Is this true or false?
"She's a pervy hobbit fancier." Tom?
Tom: I say that's false.
Joel: Crow?
Crow: True.
Joel: Well, the answer is...false.
[Tom's score changes to 30 and Crow's changes to -10.]
Tom: YES! YES! YES! I did it! Woo-hoo!
Crow: I object! Didn't you see the way she was looking at Frodo in the
mirror scene? She so wanted him!
Joel: Um, well...you have a point. I'm going to have to ask for a
judge's decision. Magic Voice?
Magic Voice: I've gotta side with Crow on this one. That was lust if I
ever saw it.
[Tom's score changes to -70 and Crow's changes to 90. At this point,
Tom emits a scream of pure rage and hurls himself at Crow. Joel moves
in to try to separate them, when Movie Sign starts flashing again.
Joel throws his index cards up in a panic and they float gently down
as....]
Joel: Guys! Guys! We got MOVIE SIIIIIIIGN!
[Door sequence. They enter the theater and sit down.]
CONTINUED in part 4