MiSTing: Holodeck Series - part 3
Amanda Van Rhyn
[Today's Word from our Sponsor: Freshness!]
[Back in the theater...]
> ------
> As a stunned Katherine stood in the kitchen, a white truck pulled up to
> the house. Men in white jackets came up to the door. And then they busted in.
CROW: (man in white coat) Would you like some free information about
the Jehovah's Witnesses?
> "We're looking for Katherine Riggs." said one of the men. Katherine's
> mother pointed to Katherine. They grabbed her.
> "Let me GO!" she shouted, wiggling hard. The men tried to put Katherine in
> a straight jacket. "HELP ME!" Katherine protested. "No! I'm NOT insane! I'm NOT
> INSANE!"
TOM: Oh, yeah, screaming that in a high hysterical voice is really
going to convince them of your sanity.
> Susan ran up to one of the men struggling with Katherine and grabbed his
> arm. After a few tuggs, she bit the arm. She wasn't going to let Katherine go
> without a fight. Blip started bumping into the other man, because that's all he
> could do. (Hey, he HAS no arms or legs.)
JOEL: (schoolmarm) Class? Class! Keep all hands, feet, and objects to
yourselves!
> "Get her off me! And get the robot,
> too!" the asylum worker commanded. Someone pryed Susan off, and another got
> Blip and held him down.
> Susan got an idea. "push hand" she shouted to the general direction of the
> norns. Jenna and Karr went up to Susan and gave her a big tickle. 'THAT
> hopelessly backfired.' thought Susan, realizing it was to late to save
> Katherine. They had got her out onto the lawn, in a straight jacket. She was
> holering, amoung several very unkind words, "NO! Creatures is good! Creatures
> is PEOPLE! Creatures is PEOPLE!
CROW: Creatures is Soylent Green!!
TOM: Soylent Green is made out of Norns!!
JOEL: Creatures is made out of Charlton Heston!!
> I'm NOT INSANE! I'm NORMAL! Ask the rest of
> a.g.c! LET ME GO!" They threw Katherine in the truck, and drove off.
ALL: (singing) She's a loser, baby, so why don't you commit her?
> Susan simply looked at Katherine's mom. She wasn't going to say anything,
> but God knows she wanted too. She just walked out the door and home, knowing
> almost all hope was gone of ever seeing Katherine again.
CROW: So... our main character just disappeared for good. Only good can
come of this.
> * * * * *
JOEL: Hmmm... I wonder what profanity those things are bleeping out
this time.
> Luckily, Katherine was alowed visitors. Susan got Katherine's mom to take
> her and Blip to the place of Katherine's jailing. After several secutity
> checks, and running Blip through a few scanners ('To make sure he wasn't a
> bomb'),
TOM: I don't know about the bot, but this story has bombed beyond help.
> Susan and Blip were alowed into Katherine's cell.
> The cell was a horrible sight. It was totaly padded with white cloth.
> There was one window facing the outside, but it wasn't much of a view since
> thick steel bars blocked the path. But the worst of all was seeing Katherine in
> the corner, shaking, trembeling. She was still in the straight jacket that
> Susan tried so hard to save her from.
> Katherine spoke first. "I... I want to thank you both for trying to help
> me."
JOEL: (Katherine) Can you believe this whole getup?! And all because I
followed my dog's orders to kill!
> "No biggie." Said Blip, trying to remain cool.
> "I just don't understand. They're jailing you, literaly, for playing a
> game and trying to connect two cultures.
TOM: Norns have culture? Did I miss it?
CROW: Yeah, you blinked.
> Why not jail Cyberlife, or a.g.c., or
> Mindscape, too?" Susan started.
CROW: Well, they're not the freaks with the secret labs and the
grendels and all that.
> "I heard other patients talking. They said there were more like me...
> They've already commited several players." admitted Katherine. "They also said
> that the doctors thought we were the worst they'd seen in a while... I was the
> worst case of them all, they said, and soon they'l move me from this cell to a
> smaller cell without a window. Just a light at the top."
(J&TB cheer)
> "Katherine!" Susan got an idea. "I- I think maybe Blip and I can get you
> out of here. Huddle closer to me." The trio disscussed an idea very quietly.
> They couldn't risk overhearing.
JOEL: How do you overhear yourself?
> Once all the details were worked out, they sat back. Then the door to the
> cell opened. It was a rather portly nurse, with a needle. "Time for your
> medicine!" the nurse chirped.
> "No, oh Gosh no...not again..." Katherine stuttered. "HELP ME!" But she
> could'nt move very fast, because of her straight jacket, so the nurse easily
> pinned her.
TOM: Wow, full-body straightjacket.
> Katherine struggled hopelessly. The nurse stuck the unusualy long
> needle in Katherine.
> Katherine stopped struggling. She kind of looked dazed. "I like
> cheeeeeese!" she mused, then began laughing. Susan and Blip backed away in
> fear. "Cheeeheeeheeese! CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE!"
JOEL: Boy, nothing like that instant anti-psychotic medication.
CROW: Yeah, especially that new kind that makes the patient even more
psychotic.
> Katherine shouted. Then she stuck
> out her tounge and made that 'Phbt' sound with her tounge. The visitors took
> this as a sign to leave.
> * * * * *
> It was now dusk. Susan, Blip, Jenna and Karr were sitting in the bushes
> outside the asylum. "Everyone understand what they do?" Susan asked.
CROW: (Susan) I make sarcastic comments, Blip squirms, and Jenna looks
unbearably cute.
> "Got it." Blip replied.
> "Push yes." Jenna answered.
> Susan took a look at the faces that surrounded her. 'Odd, how Katherine's
> old creations of the past come back to ensure she has a future.' Susan thought.
JOEL: (Susan, musing) And they're all concentrating on the good and the
beautiful, which, over the years, I have grown more and more sure is the
best and wisest thing to do.
> "Let's do it." she commanded.
> Jenna and Karr went out of the bushes, and through the front doors. Once
> inside, Jenna went up the the front desk. "Push yes hand. Get hand. Hand get
> hand. Jenna push hand." she began babbling.
> Karr helped too. "Push hand yes. Run asylum. Get yes hand. Hand push hand.
> Hand run."
CROW: Um, would it be so hard to have subtitles for those of us who
don't speak Nornish?
> The person at the front desk picked up a WalkieTalkie. "Hello? Security?"
> the attendent said. "We got a doozey down here."
> Meanwhile, Susan and Blip stood outside the side of the asylum.
> "Katherine's cell is on the second floor, right?" Blip asked.
> "Right there." pointed out Susan. "You up to it?"
TOM: Say, I've just noticed something. In this story, nobody ever just
*says* anything. They ask, or point out, or command, or gulp...
JOEL: Tommy me boy, it is an ancient and venerable literary mistake
called elegant variation. Because of badly written fanfiction like this,
it will outlive us all.
TOM: Thank you, Obi Wan Ka-Joel.
> "Better be." Blip gulped. Susan grabbed onto Blip's bace. Blip then
> carried her up, up to Katherine's Cell. Then, he used a new feature Katherine
> showed Susan how to make: a laser.
CROW: Blip's a Swiss Army Bot!
> The laser cut through the thick metal and through the glass pane. Susan used a free hand to >clear the hole Blip made.
> Inside, Katherine sat, awake. Susan grabbed Blip with Both hands, and used him
> to swing into Katherine's cell.
> "Better hurry, they're going to medicate me soon!" whispered Katherine.
> Susan silently undid Katherine's jacket.
JOEL: (Katherine) Say, all medication and no Creatures makes Katherine
something something.
CROW: Go crazy?
JOEL: (Katherine) Don't mind if I do! Oooga booga doodely doo!
(Joel waves his arms around crazily)
> "Jenna and Karr are keeping the guards buisy. Blip is outside. Hold tight
> to my feet." Susan said. Then, she climbed out the window, and held on tight to
> Blip. Katherine climbed out the window and grabbed Susan's feet. Blip lowered
> them all to the round. The trio then tiptoed to the front, looking in the front
> glass doors.
> Karr saw them. "Run!" he shouted. Jenna and Karr pushed through the ring
> of security guards that had formed around them, trying to figure out what was
> happening. They joined up with everyone outside, and then dissapeared.
> The group of five ran all the way to Katherine's home and in to her
> bedroom.
> Blip looked out the window. "Katherine, they tracked us! We gotta get
> Jenna and Karr back to Albia. They're too easy to recognise." he spattered.
TOM: He spattered? He covered them all with paintballs as he spoke?
CROW: Woo!
> "Push mover" Katherine commanded, after turning on the HoloDeck and making
> sure it was linked to Creatures.
JOEL: Wait... I thought Creatures and the HoloDeck were on 24/7.
> Jenna and Karr scurried onto the 'Deck,
> sensing tention, and beamed themselfs back home.
> "Katherine, I think they'll catch you! You don't have a choice!" Susan
> responded, realizing that her plan to get her friend back had failed.
CROW: _failed_ in the sense of "actually worked via gaping plot holes
and violations of essential laws of physics"?
> "Wait." Katherine slyly said. "What if I'm not in the country?"
> "Explain to me how you're gonna get Cuba tickets and blow this place in
> thirty seconds." Susan argued.
> "I'm not. I think, if I'm not mistaken, we have a link to another country,
JOEL: The People's Republic of Freaks?
TOM: The Island of Misfit Mad Scientists?
CROW: No, you're both wrong! The Magical Land of Bob!
JOEL: Mordor, maybe. Yeah, let's send Katherine to Mordor.
> another world." Katherine reasoned. "I have no choice. To exape, I have to use
> the HoloDeck. I have to beam myself- to Albia."
TOM: Well, that would considerably extend the available setting.
> "Katherine!" Susan argued. "You can't do that! That's nuts. There's no
> sprites for you in the images directory. You'll make Creatures crash!"
CROW: Soo... her friend has agreed to spend the rest of her life, or as
long as it takes, in another freaking *dimension*, and what she's
worried about is whether she'll have a guardian faerie in Albia?
JOEL: Sigh. I'm going to have to teach you about graphics sprites
later, little robot pal.
> "True." replied Blip. "But we fixed that. It'l turn her into a nearly pure
> norn."
> "I should of known." Susan responded, realizing that she NEVER needed to
> ever underestimate Blip or Katherine. But, then what Blip said soaked in. "Wait
> a minute- It'l turn her into a NORN? Katherine stop, don't..."
TOM: No, Katherine! Jump!
JOEL: Push weed, Katherine! Push Grendel! Run food!
> "Look, the authorities are after me, I'll be thrown into a small,
> lightless padded cell if I don't get away. I'm sure you understand." said
> Katherine. Then, she scrunched herself up on the HoloDeck, and pressed the
> button. A flash of light filled the room, and Katherine dissapeared.
> Susan turned to Katherine's computer. "Where is she?" she asked.
CROW: (Blip) Stupid computer... what do you mean Katherine's a bad file
format?
> "It takes a little while." replied Blip.
JOEL: (Blip) You see, they have to devirus Katherine. Otherwise, her
internal errors could melt down the whole hard drive.
> Meanwhile, Katherine was floating in sort of an Inbetween space. This was
> where the game determined what sprites to use.
TOM: Titania and Oberon, perhaps?
CROW: Nah, I'd have to go with Tom Bombadil and Goldberry.
JOEL: Geez, guys! It's obvious! Mustardseed and the Lucky Charms
Leprechaun!
> A beam of light, like a laser
> almost, flashed upon her face. Her brown hair turned a fluffy white, her eyes
> widened, and her mouth and nose began to form a muzzle.
TOM: Oh, that's good. A muzzle should shut her up.
> The light turned to her
> body. The front turned a peach color, and the back formed into a purpleish
> color, with a white tail. The light focused on the arms and legs, which turned
> purple too. Then, the light grew bigger, until it surrounded her in white.
JOEL: (mystical voice) Go into the light, Katherine! Go into the
Recycle Bin!
> The
> white then melted away, only to reveal... The garden of Albia.
> Katherine looked around. "Wow! It WORKED! I'm ALIVE!" She exclaimed, and
> did a little dance.
CROW: ... made a little love, got down tonight.
JOEL: Thank you, CrowCee and the Sunshine Band.
> Her words came out of the litte speech bubble norns use
> when they want to talk.
> Back on earth, Susan and Blip were watching from Katherine's laptop.
> "Wait- she's not talking in weird fragments! What happened here?" Asked Susan.
TOM: Wait, didn't we mention Deus Ex Machina World yet?
> "Hey-" Blip replied. "I said NEARLY pure norn, didn't I?" Just then the
> doorbell rang. Susan got up to get it. It was the authorities.
JOEL: Uh oh, someone doesn't love Big Brother enough.
> "Hi there," said a man with a southern accent. "We're looking for
> Katherine Riggs, have you seen her?"
> "Never heard of her." Susan spat out, and tried to close the door. The man
> stuck his foot inside.
> "Then you won't mind if we take a look around." The man said. He and
> another man came in and started serching the house.
> They took what seemed like forever, but turned up clueless.
CROW: (Cher from _Clueless_) Yeah, as *if* they'd find me.
> Finaly, they
> left.
> Susan ran back to Katherine's room. There she found Jenna and Karr, along
> with Blip. "Katherine," Susan typed in. "WHY are Jenna and Karr here?"
> "There's a nice norn couple out on the Islands that want to have a child,
> but there were too many norns in Albia." Katherine answered. "So I got rid of
> Jenna and Karr.
TOM: And exportation was never an option?
CROW: Better yet, why not euthanasia?
> Becides, it was THEIR idea." Just then, a big Ron norn came up
> to Katherine.
> "Push norn". he said. Since he was a bit angry, he gave her a hearty
> thwap.
(J&TB cheer.)
JOEL: Finally, a character taking out our frustrations!
> "Ouch!" Katherine cried out. She thwapped him back.
> "OW!" the norn screamed. Then he thwapped her again.
> "That's it." Katherine replied. "I am NOT going to take this anymore." She
> took the ponytail holder off of her tail. Raising it slightly, she shot it at
> him.
> The ron norn screamed and ran away.
CROW: Yup, it's official. This fanfic now has both pseudoscience and
cheesy playground-tactics violence!
> "Showed him." Giggled Katherine, retrieving the ponytail holder and
> putting it back on her tail.
> "I think you need to come back." suggested Susan.
> "HA!" Katherine mocked. "Let's have some more fun. Export me!"
> "What?" Susan was shocked.
> "Yeah!" shouted Blip. "We want to know what it's like, OK Katherine?"
TOM: Uh, who wants whom to do what? I thought it was Katherine's
request... and... and... (Tom begins stuttering)
JOEL: Remember, no hard thinking about continuity, Tom. Remember what
happened last time... (Joel and Tom shudder)
> "Deal." Katherine replied. Susan said nothing, but you could tell this was
> worrying her sick. She exported Katherine.
> "Hey!" Blip said. "Maybe we can e-mail CyberLife and tell them. Or we
> could send Katherine..."
CROW: (Blip) ... to Hell!
> "We can e-mail Cyberlife," answered Susan, "But we are NOT sending
> Katherine." Susan quit Creatures, and started up America On-Line. Then, with
> Blip's help, she typed the following message.
TOM: Poor Susan, so hard for her to type since she had to have her
hook.
> Dear CyberLife,
JOEL: (Susan) How do I worship thee? Let me count the ways...
> My name is Susan,
ALL: Hi, Susan!
> and I am here with my friend's robotic invention, Blip.
> My friend, Katherine, has created an invention called the HoloDeck. The
> HoloDeck links earth to Albia. She now imports norns from Albia onto earth. We
> have only imported three, the first norn ever to be on earth was Jenna, who
> kisspoped with Jack, the second norn on earth, and gave birth to Karr, the
> first norn born on earth. Katherine would mail you herself, but she's now
> testing the HoloDeck, and has beamed herself into Albia.
TOM: How nice of the fanfic to go through a flashback of stuff that
happened not all that long ago!
> Just thought you might like to know,
> Susan
> "I have to go pee." Susan said, after typing the letter.
CROW: (Blip) Well, thanks for *sharing*.
> "I'll wait outside the door." Blip replied. They left the room, leaving
> Karr & Jenna alone.
TOM: So... they're just gonna leave the computer alone with the e-mail
unsent.
JOEL: (Wakko Warner) But it's a *potty emergency*!
> Jenna stepped up to the computer.
> "Push computer" she said. She clicked on attached file.
> "Push computer" she repeated. The attach file dialog box had been up. She
> found something that said "Katherine.exp" and clicked on it.
JOEL: (Jenna) Ha Ha! Once that idiot child is out of the way, I shall
rule Albia with her magical device!!
CROW: Oh, don't tell me it's now Dr. Jenna Forrester and TV's Karr.
> "Push computer" she repeated. The dialog box had gone away. Now she
> clicked 'send message'. Just then, Susan and Blip entered the room.
> "Jenna," asked Susan, noticing the computer had been played with. "what"
> "Jenna push computer" Jenna replied.
> "Hey!" Shouted Blip, looking at the screen. It read: 'Katherine.exp -98%
> uploaded'. "Do you realize what Jenna did?"
> "No!" Susan responded. "She- She sent Katherine to CYBERLIFE!"
> "File's done." said the computer.
JOEL: (Susan, sweetly) Thank you, computer! (Less sweetly, to say the
least) KILL the Norn!
> ----------------------------------------------------
TOM: I see the Hyphens Union demanded more jobs in this installment.
> BEFORE I CONTINUE: Toby Simpson makes an appearance in today's story, and I
> just want to say that I never mean any disrespect tword him. I can't figure out
> how you can flame me for it, but I'm just covering baces.
JOEL: Oh, honey, don't worry about it.
CROW: We're gonna flame you to Heck whether or not you even mention
Toby!
> Meanwhile, in Cambridge, England, a lone employee was checking mail. His
> name was Jack Zuckerman. He was happily ignoring all the e-mails with norns
> attached to them stating that "This norn loves to push food!" and "This norn is
> weird... It runs from plants just because I smacked it for eating one..." and
> "What IS that big green thing that beats my norns? I sent you a copy of it..."
> However, he saw another email. This one sounded different... almost
> intellegent.
JOEL: ... after sending that one on to the Cyberlife powers that be, he
found our "heroes"' e-mail and immediately deleted it.
> It stated that the norn atached was an actual human. Jack had not
> dealt with a lot of prank e-mails, so he downloaded the file ("Katherine.exp")
> and imported the norn immediatly.
> At first, he was dissapointed. It looked just like a purple mountian
> norn,
TOM: (Jack Zuckerman) Sigh. Why did we release those Yukon Jack Norns
anyway? The graphics are really beginning to get on my nerves.
> only with a Fox head. But then the norn gave him a big shock.
> "That was WEIRD! Everything was black for a while..." Said the norn, whom
> you know
CROW: ... in the Biblical sense?
> as Katherine. Katherine then took a look out the monitor. What she
> usually saw, a blond-haired girl and a yellow floating robot, staring at her
> was not there. No, this was a man, 20 years old or so, with almost red hair.
TOM: (Katherine) Oh! Conan O' Brien! Love the show, man, but why are
you taking a part-time job at Cyberlife?
> "Who- Who are you?" she asked.
> "I'm Jack, from CyberLife." Jack typed in. "How did you get in there?"
> Katherine told Jack the whole story, from Jenna's first import, to
> Jenna's kisspoping,
JOEL: (Sigmund Freud) Kisspopping, kisspopping, it alvays comes back to
zee kisspopping.
> to Karr's birth, to the grendel, to being in the asylum,
> and now to here. Jack picked up a phone an punched some numbers. "Hello? May I
> speak to Toby Simpson? Yeah. Mr. Simpson? You gotta see this. What is it? If I
> told you, you wouldn't believe me. You're comming? Great." Then he hung up. He
> typed to Katherine: "Toby's comming down to see you."
> "Excuse me?" gasped Katherine. Just then, she saw a figure come down the
> stairs. It was Toby.
CROW: Remember, in HoloDeck Land it only takes humans 15 seconds to get
anywhere from anywhere.
> "What was so amazing?" He asked.
> "See that norn?" Jack pointed.
> "Yeah. Another Highlander somebody send us?" Toby replied.
> "Nope. That's an actual human." Jack answered.
> "You've been playing too long." quipped Toby. Then he sat down to the
> computer, took note that the 'norns' name was Katherine, and typed "Katherine
> what"
> "Why speak norn to me?" Asked Katherine. "My gosh, I'm human too. I just
> LOOK like a norn."
JOEL: (Toby) Ah, a Norn with an attitude problem. Slap ‘er around a
little.
> Toby scooted back. This was not happening.
TOM: Of course it's not! It's a fanfic! Just hold tight, Toby, and
repeat after me: There's no place like reality, there's no place like
reality...
> He knew Creatures was designed
> to be upgradable, but this was totaly unexpected.
CROW: (Jack) Well, actually, sir, our R&D department has been working
on a similar prototype for 18 mon -
TOM: (Toby, cutting Crow off) Be quiet! If the press gets word of this,
it was *totally unexpected*!
> Jack took the controls and
> typed in, "Tell Toby the story you told me."
> So, again, Katherine told the whole HoloDeck story. Toby sat in awe.
JOEL: Well, actually, when he fell off his chair... let's just say that
the autopsy determined cause of death to be acute boredom.
> "When she gets older," he thought, "This girl is going on my staff. I claim
> her."
TOM: Yep, Cyberlife has dibs on the evil geniuses. Unless Gizmonics
makes a better offer.
Then, Toby typed to Katherine, "What if I send an employee over to your
> home to check this out?"
CROW: Check what out? The HoloDeck or the collection of forged
Penthouse lett -
uh... That'd be just great!
> "That'd be fine with me." Katherine replied. Then, she watched the cursor
> move tword the file menu. "Wait... before you export me, can you help me with
> something?"
> Back at Katherine's home, Susan & Blip waited for CyberLife to send
> Katherine back.
TOM: Stupid fanfic! Never going to tell us what Katherine wanted Toby
to help her with!
> All of a sudden, the computer shouted, "You've got mail!"
CROW: Mad science, sponsored by AOL.
> Susan scrambled to read the mail. It read like this:
> Dear Susan,
> We had a nice chat with Katherine, and she has agreed to let us come to
> the 'states and see the HoloDeck. We look forward to meeting you, and here is
> your friend back!
JOEL: (Toby) Don't mind the Trojan horse, that's just a little gift
from all of us.
> Toby Simpson.
> PS: Don't worry, we also mailed Katherine's mom a clean bill of health from the
> 'asylum'. So Katherine is safe!
TOM: (Toby) Katherine was the schizophrenic cannibal, right? No? Uh oh.
> They downloaded the file, and imported Katherine, first into Albia, and then
> into Earth.
> "I got to meet TOBY SIMPSON..." Katherine mused, her first words now that
> she was back on earth.
"And I hate you for it!" responded a jealous Susan.
JOEL: (Susan) Well, I hated you *before* you met him, but now I have an
excuse!
> "Please, Please, let's talk science. What was Export like?" Said Blip.
> "It was dark."
CROW: (Katherine) I was scared and I wanted my Boo Boo Bankie.
> Katherine replied. Then she turned to Susan. "I met Toby!"
> She whispered. Susan wresteled her to the floor, and they both rolled in a
> playful fit of laughter.
TOM: Oh God, fanfic, no rolling-around-on-the-carpet scenes, please!
> ----------------------------------------------------
JOEL: And the hyphens are nature's way of telling us it's commercial
time.
[and it yet refuses to end... t.b.c. next post]