MiSTed - Stephen Ratliff's "Better Than a Best Friend" (1/1)
Bill Livingston
paper with YARD SALE written across it has been tacked to the theater doors.
We pull back to see Crow & Tom at the console. Stacked next to them is a huge
pile of crusty brown squares, with green stuff sticking out here & there.]
Crow: *sigh*
Tom: Yeah.
[pause]
Crow: You *did* remember to put the ad in the paper, right?
Tom: Sure.
Crow: Both of them?
Tom: Yep - the Pocatello, Idaho, _Courier_ and the _Times_ of London.
Crow: Good, good. We've maximized coverage, then.
[More pausing]
Crow: Still, it's not the response I was hoping for.
Tom: It's kinda early, though.
Crow: Yeah, but I thought that's when we're supposed to do our best business.
Tom: Well, it's always early *somewhere*.
[Even more pausing]
Crow: Maybe it's the location.
Tom: Whaddaya mean?
Crow: Well, we *are* 38,000 miles in geosynchronous orbit above Earth's
surface.
Tom: Ah, that's no big deal - people drive *miles* out of their way for
these things!
Crow: [unconvinced] Maybe.
[A little more pausing, followed by the entrance of Mike]
Mike: Hey fellas.
Bots: Hey.
Mike: [Noticing the large pile on the counter] So, uh, someone wanna fill me
in?
Tom: It's a yard sale.
Mike: Ah.
Crow: We just decided we needed a little extra scratch.
Tom: Yeah, all those "Two Towers" DVDs we ordered on your Discover aren't just
gonna pay for themselves, y'know.
Mike: Um - no, I guess they won't.
Tom: So we read that yard sales can be pret-ty profitable and...
Mike: And so you decided to have one.
Tom: Right!
Mike: And so far?
Crow: Honestly? Sales are a bit, ummmm, slow.
Tom: Yeah, I'm a little surprised no one's shown up.
Mike: Mm-hmm. And was this your first choice to raise your capital?
Crow: Well, we thought about having a garage sale instead, but it woulda cost
a fortune just to get them shipped up here!
Mike: [As lights begin to flash] Yeah. Tell you what, hold on to that
thought, because Pearl Jam and the Vedders are calling. [slaps button]
[CASTLE FORRESTER - Pearl & her cohorts are standing around some sort of
device that has wires and coils and whatnot sticking out of it at odd angles.
A thin trail of smoke is issuing from one corner of the thing. Bobo is
chewing contentedly on something.]
Observer: I'm sorry, Pearl, but it's broken beyond even *my* capacity to
repair.
Pearl: So what good is that jello-mold brain you lug around, anyway?!
Observer: Madame, I am a nigh-omnipotent deity-like being, before whom you are
all as amoebae - *not* Mr. Fixit!
Pearl: Rrrrgh! [Notices screen] Oh, it's you, Nelshmo. Well, looks like you
get a break today. I'd planned to send you a soul-shattering musical
double feature of "Can't Stop the Music" and "Sgt Pepper's Lonely
Heart's Club Band" - and in 3-D sensurround! But it's gonna hafta wait
because *somebody* used my invention as a glorified *pecan cracker*!
Bobo: If it helps, lawgiver, I'm really sorry.
Pearl: [sarcastically] Oh yes, Bobo, that helps *ever so much*!
Bobo: Oh, good. I was worried that you were really angry for a second.
Pearl: [clutches her head] Booboo, I now have four of the worst headaches I
have ever had thanks to you, so I need you to get out of my sight!
Bobo: Okay. Um, if you'd like, I could go get your replacement parts for you.
Pearl: Yes, fine, whatever.
Observer: Pearl, I'm not entirely sure that's...
Pearl: Here. [Hands Bobo a piece of paper and a checkbook] Here's what you
need and where to get it. Now get!
Bobo: Okeedokee. [Holds up something tiny] Pecan sliver?
Pearl: AM-SCRAY!!!!!
Bobo: Eeek! [scurries off]
Observer: Once again, Pearl, perhaps you shouldn't have given Bobo carte
blanche with the...
Pearl: Oh, pooh! It's a simple, direct, easy-to-grasp shopping list even
Monkeyman can understand. Nothing can go wrong!
Observer: [mumbling] Fine. Fine. Ignore the nigh-omnipotent deity-like being
of pure mental energy. See what you get.
Pearl: Anyway, Nelson, it shouldn't take long for him to get the stuff, so in
the meantime, I'm giving you guys a treat.
[SOL - all are happy and smiling]
Crow: Candy?!
Mike: A vacation?!
Tom: A Sammy Sosa bobblehead?!
[CF]
Pearl: No, even better - it's the very shortest Ratliff story ever written.
[SOL - still smiling, but with a frozen quality]
Crow: Oh.
Mike: Wow.
Tom: Joy.
[CF]
Pearl: Yep. And to make things even better, it's all about Marrissa's first
ever
romantic encounter. Who says evil doesn't come in small packages.
Enjoy!
[SOL - still frozen, bitter smiles]
Crow: Are we in hell, Mike?
Mike: The evidence is strong.
Tom: Hey, how the heck are we smiling, anyway?
[SOL - lights flash]
Mike: Never mind that now...
All: WE GOT TINY MARRISSA SIGN!!!! AHHHHHH!
[6] {5} (4) <3> |2| O
[All enter]
Tom: I dunno, y'think maybe we should've added clover to the grass?
Crow: Hey, what are, Buckingham Palace or something?
>Title: Better Than a Best Friend
Crow: The story of sweet, sweet booze.
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
Tom: Noted.
Mike: Logged.
Crow: Next.
>Contact: stephen at trekiverse.org
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories
>Rating: [PG] for a kiss
Tom: o/` From a rose on the gray o/`
Crow: PG? Must be a heck of a kiss?
>Codes: m/f
Mike: Messy and frustrating.
> (Marrissa/Jay Gordon),
Crow: You guys ever heard of that one fish where the male attaches himself to
the female's body, and eventually he just kind of withers away until
he's nothing but a lumpy, vestigial mass of flesh fused to her side?
Mike: Yeah. What about it?
Crow: Just curious, is all.
> Challenge Response
Crow: Because pistols at dawn just wasn't scary enough.
>Part: NEW 1/1
>
>Summary: Marrissa's first kiss
>
Tom: Just before she whacked Fredo.
>Author's Note:
Crow: Generally G sharp, unless kicked in the nads.
>This is very unusual for me,
Mike: [Steve] Marrissa only subjugates a *minor* alien species.
> written in a night and first posted to
>ASCEM.
Crow: Huh? Who are they?
Tom: I dunno, I'll ASCEM! BWAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
Mike: Oh Tom - why?
> This is a response to Alara Rogers' TNG challenge for stories
>without Picard pairings.
Mike: Hey, she's a Picard! Should this count?
Crow: She's *a* Picard - not *the* Picard.
> As expected, Marrissa gets the chocolate, but not
>until after dinner.
>
Tom: Wafer thin mint, madam?
>Stephen
>
>...
Crow: [British] And now, "The Marrissa Saga" as performed in Morse Code.
>
> Marrissa laid back on her bed, daydreaming.
Mike: [Marrissa] *sigh* I think I'll drape my "Queen of the Universe" throne
in Ermine.
> It was not something
>she did a lot,
Crow: Being Marrissa is so much better than any old daydream.
Tom: Yeah, life's good when the author's on your side.
> but that was before the night before,
Tom: It was two nights ago?
> before the just turned
>fourteen-year-old girl had been taken out by Jay for her birthday.
Mike: That's when he stuck her with the check and blew town.
> Jay Gordon was Marrissa's best friend.
Crow: And favorite quarry.
> It was a constant in
>Marrissa's life.
Tom: He was - dare I say it?
Mike: Dare.
Tom: The Only Constant.
> She couldn't remember when it hadn't been true.
Mike: Thanks to massive amounts of hypno-therapy.
> She'd
>been all of two and a half when she'd come on board the Enterprise.
Crow: And was immediately promoted to Lieutenant Commander.
> He'd
>arrived a year later,
Tom: Pre-whipped for her convenience.
> but Marrissa couldn't recall a time without Jay.
Crow: [basso] And lo, when the foundations of the universe were laid, Jay was
there!
> They'd played in the hallways before the Enterprise had been
>commissioned.
Mike: [Marrissa] Hey, Jay - go lean waaaay over into that turbolift shaft
and tell me what you see.
> They were the first children to use the Enterprise's just on
>line holodeck to go skinny dipping in.
Tom: *sigh* And again, Ratliff gives us naked swimming Marrissa.
Crow: Of all the traditions to carry on with, we get this one.
> They'd swum more traditionally
>attired in the ship's pool for years.
Mike: He'd worn a tuxedo, she had on a Givenchy evening gown.
> They'd made mud pies in the arboreum
>before the plants had arrived,
Crow: After the "plants" got in, they grew some most excellent gold, dude!
Tom: Woooooo!!!
> and studied together when they started school.
Crow: Hmm - "The History of the Prime Directive, and Why Everyone Ignores It".
> He'd been the first person she'd told about her dream to command
>the Enterprise someday.
Mike: He'd also been the first person she'd pummeled to a pulp for daring to
laugh at her.
> She'd been the first person to hear his intention
>to outrank his father.
Tom: Dad didn't found out until he heard the airlock door slam shut behind
him.
> He'd covered for her when her attempt at fixing the
>replicator took out the lighting on three decks.
Mike: It wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't also rigged all the faucets
to give hot and cold running strawberry juice.
> She'd covered for him when
>he accidentally overwritten the Captain's Dixon Hill program with a Battle
>of Bunker Hill program.
Crow: [Jay] Don't fire til you see the whites of their eyes!
Tom: [Marrissa] Here comes Data!
Crow: [Jay] Aw crap!
> It was a stable relationship
Crow: As evidenced by Jay's saddle and stirrups.
> where they both knew their places
Tom: Him prone in the dirt, her with a boot heel on his throat.
> and
>limits. A relationship that had just been thrown up
Mike: She may be the Master of the Universe, but she can't cook worth a flip!
> in the air by one
>little thing.
Tom: Tapioca.
> After seven years together on the Enterprise together,
Crow: So they were together?
Mike: Let's not jump to conclusions.
>and another six months corresponding over subspace when his family had
>transferred to the Independence,
Crow: Including dozens of restraining orders...
> Jay had changed everything.
Tom: Now he wanted to be known as "Yvonne".
> It was just after dinner, at a rather nice high class
>restaurant.
Mike: They'd cleaned and polished those golden arches till they sparkled.
> They'd chatted, and had dinner together, then as they reached
>the docking port for the Enterprise-E, Marrissa turned to say goodbye.
Tom: And shot him. And he died. The end.
> That's when he kissed her.
Crow: And that's when she kneed him in the groin.
> Not on the cheek, but right on the
>lips,
Tom: Too bad she'd just had sardines and limburger on a garlic roll.
Mike: And Marrissa doesn't believe in Altoids.
> which parted as his right hand came up behind her head and his left
>hand pulled her closer.
Crow: Then the clumsy, embarrassed fumbling *really* began.
> When their bodies pressed up against each other,
>Marrissa could feel the heat of his body through their Lieutenant's uniforms.
Mike: Seconds later, Spontaneous Human Combustion set in.
> The kiss was only a minute long, but that was like saying that the
>Enterprise was only a starship.
Crow: Well, what *else* is it?
Tom: It's a starship with anti-lock brakes, custom leather interior *and*
self-emptying ashtrays!
> This kiss left her breathless when Jay had
>finally broke it.
Mike: Well, she *is* old enough for Jerry Lee Lewis now.
> Jay had one of his mischievous grins on his face,
Crow: [Jay] Hah! It's funny cuz I kissed her and stuff!
> as he
>told Marrissa good night and walked away.
Tom: Though fortunate enough to escape with his life, Jay later foolishly
returned, sealing his fate.
> She stood there, at the docking port for five minutes, staring at
>where Jay had disappeared.
Crow: AAAAH!! HE'S MAGIC! SORCERER!! DEMON!! AAAH!!!!
> Jay was her best friend.
Mike: Guess no one told her life was gonna be this way.
> Jay had taken her out
>on a date.
Tom: Yeah, some *date* - the Waffle House kids' menu and a wet, sloppy smack
in the face!
> Jay had given her the best first kiss a girl could ever have.
Crow: Well, how would she know?
Tom: She knows, Crow - she knows.
> Marrissa had been thinking about it all day. She remembered it in
>the corridors; in the turbolift; in the shower;
Mike: On a plane; on a train; in a boat; with a goat.
Crow: She will not kiss Jay's mushy pan. She will not kiss it, Ratliff-man!
> at breakfast, lunch, and
>dinner;
Tom: During a delicious snack of Nabisco Fig Newtons.
> and even while on duty on the Bridge.
Crow: Too bad that's when the Trakce showed up, spoiling for revenge.
> Commander Riker had
>commented on her distraction.
Mike: Between drunken belches.
> Counselor Troi had told why.
Tom: Privacy? Who needs it?!
> Marrissa could
>have hurt her for that.
Crow: But decided to wait until later, when she could *really* prolong it.
> But it was her first kiss.
Tom: [Marissa] It *has* to get better than that! Doesn't it?!?
> A girl was entitled to be distracted
>by her first kiss,
Mike: At least according to Starfleet regs.
Tom: Just as long as it doesn't interfere with her Kobiyashi Maru time.
> especially when it was from the devilish boy she'd know
>all her life.
*poof*
Pitch: I resent that!
*poof*
Crow: Okay, that was just strange.
> The kiss made her look at Jay a whole new way.
Tom: It cleared up her glaucoma? Wow, that *is* some kiss!
> He was jut
Crow: Of course, he wasn't jutting until afterwards.
Mike: Ouch!
>her height, and his blond hair had been tousled a little,
Tom: That's not tousling, he just hasn't washed it in 4 years.
> probably from his
>mother before he'd left on their date.
Mike: He's dating his mom?
Tom: At least he doesn't have to worry about breaking curfew.
> He had deep blue eyes
Mike: They practically sank into his skull.
> that had
>twinkled as he pulled away from the kiss.
Crow: She just fried all his synapses at once.
> Marrissa giggled.
Tom: A sound that made the universe tremble.
> She'd known Jay for ages,
Crow: Specifically, ages 4-14.
> but never would she
>ever have thought that Jay would be such a good kisser.
Mike: It was like kissing a chunk of raw liver - but a really *hot* chunk
of raw liver.
> She'd have to find
>out when the Independence and the Enterprise might meet up again.
Crow: This time, she'd be ready for him.
[pause]
Mike: Uh, meaning *what*, exactly?
Crow: I'll leave interpretations up to you, Nelson.
Tom: Evil, Crow, Evil.
Crow: Heh heh heh!
> After
>all, the kiss was good, but more would be better.
>
Crow: o/` She just wants his tiny mind and his - *smoochsmoochsmoochsmooch
smooch* - kiss! o/`
Tom: Hey, is that it?
Mike: I think so.
Tom: Well c'mon, then, let's get before he tacks on an appendix or something!
[All leave]
O |2| <3> (4) {5} [6]
[SOL - Tom and Crow are at the console with a pile of DVDs]
Tom: Okay, we've put three by each TV.
Crow: Check.
Tom: Two in each room.
Crow: Check.
Tom: Gave four to Gypsy.
Crow: Check.
Tom: We shipped twenty to Kim Cattrall as a good-will measure. [mumbling]
It'll take more than that, I bet.
Crow: Che- never mind that, just keep going.
Tom: We stashed away a dozen unopened sets as collectables.
Crow: Check.
Tom: We stored a case down in the load pan bay for emergencies.
Crow: Check.
Tom: And you put one under that chair leg to keep it from wobbling.
Crow: Check and double check.
Tom: So how many "Two Towers" copies does that leave us here?
Crow: Lessee - ummmmmmmmm, 271.
[Pause]
Crow: I dunno, we're running a little low.
Tom: Yeah maybe we should order some more.
[Suddenly, Mike jumps in. He is carrying a guitar and is dressed in a flashy
leather suit and an outrageous wig with starkly white makeup on his face and
a sequined star design over one eye]
Mike: ARE YOU READY TO - ready to - to - um, guys?
Crow: Hey Mike.
Tom: Hey.
Mike: Um, why aren't you guys dressed up for the - y'know, the...
Crow: Oh, the, the "First KISS" sketch? We canceled that.
Mike: Uh?
Tom: Yeah, too long a walk for a short little story like this. We sent
a memo. [to Crow, sotto voce] You *did* send the memo, right?
Crow: [same] I thought *you* did!
Mike: Well geez, guys. I mean, I got all dressed up and, y'know...
Tom: Aw, honey. You wanna give the info this time?
Crow: Yeah, that usually makes you feel better.
Mike: Yeah, okay, I guess. [assumes mid-70s rocker pose] To join the
MiSTing Authors Dibs List, send e-mail to "majo...@pinky.wtower.com"
with the message "subscribe dibslist" in the message body! Don't forget
to read the FAQ at "http://www.masemware.com/mst3k/faq.shtml", don't
work blue, and get ready to ROCK AND ROLL ALL NIGHT!!!! [waggles tongue]
Crow: Yeesh! That's enough! We get the point!
Mike: Sorry. [pulls off wig] Whew! That's 10 pounds of hair I don't need!
[notices DVDs] Oh hey, I see you got your movies in.
Tom: Yeah, but we may need more.
Mike: So I take it the yard sale was a success after all.
Crow: Well, we were worried right up until the end, but we had a last minute
buyer.
Mike: Anyone I know?
Tom: As a matter of fact...
[CF - The floor of the castle is covered in a rich, lush green carpet of
grass. Professor Bobo is traipsing around with an enraptured look.]
Bobo: Ahhhh, This is heavenly! I'd forgotten how good the fresh sweet
grass feels between my toes!
[Enter Pearl & Brain Guy]
Pearl: ...tha hell?!? BOBO!!! What is all this - this -
Bobo: Oh, hi Lawgiver! Isn't this nice? I got enough to cover the
entire castle!
Observer: Hmmm, it is rather - bucolic.
Pearl: Zip it, Paste Face! [quiet but deadly] So tell me, Boobo, did
you use *my* check to buy this sheep fodder?
Bobo: Ummmmm - yes. [pause] Was that wrong?
Pearl: Well-l-l-l, let me put it this way. [she hauls off and belts Bobo
in the old breadbasket]
Bobo: OWWWFFFFFFF!!! [collapses] Oooh, that smarts!
Pearl: Well, eat some grass then! It always worked for my schnauzer!
[to Observer] Brainy, get rid of this stuff.
Observer: Oh well, I'd like to, Pearl, but unfortunately I'm al- al-
al- aaAAAHHHHOOOO!!!!!
Pearl: Aw, don't tell me you're -
Observer: *sniff* Allergic. Quite so, yes. In fact, I'd best go pour some
Allegra over my brain before it gets too bad. [leaves]
Pearl: Grrrrghhh! [clutches her forehead] I got a headache this big, and it's
got HENCHMEN written all over it! [to screen] As for you, Nelsimmons,
your time is coming, and don't think it ain't, pal!!! One day, you and
your little buddies up there are gonna be toast, y'hear me?!? TOAST!!
But not today - I gotta go mow the living room
[Fade out]
Bobo: [O.S.] *munchmunchmunch* Hey, this stuff isn't half bad. *munchmunch*
Needs dressing, though. *munchmunchmunch*
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"BETTER THAN A BEST FRIEND" BY: Stephen Ratliff
MiSTING BY: Bill Livingston
MiSTING DIBS LIST MAINTAINED BY: Michael Neylon
ZIP DRIVE BY: iOmega
AND IN LAST PLACE BY: 40 Lengths I Believe It Is Yes It Is Feetlebaum
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE COOL: To Rule My World
THANKS: To MiSTies, MuSTies, RATMMers, the teachers of America, Eric of
"Eric Conveys an Emotion" (www.emotioneric.com), and to the memories of
Johnny Cash & John Ritter.
ALSO THANKS TO: Special Guest Star Paul Chapin as Pitch.
"Star Trek: TNG" and all associated characters and situations are
trademark of and (c) Paramount. All rights reserved. Unless you exceed
the Warp 5 speed limit while reading this - then all bets are off!
Jay Gordon is a wholly owned subsidiary of MarrissaCo (A Limited Liability
Corporation). No rights reserved to him at all - just to Marrissa.
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" trademark of and (c) Best Brains, Inc. All
rights reserved. So sleepy they can barely stay awake!
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by others is intended or should be inferred.
No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or
should be implied. All characters in this work are fictional, and any
resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
So pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.
Whooooooooo! Packers!!
Keep circulating the posts.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Commander Riker had
>commented on her distraction. Counselor Troi had told why. Marrissa could
>have hurt her for that.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
bil...@hiwaay.net http://home.hiwaay.net/~billfl
"If you're dumb, surround yourself with smart people. And if you're smart,
surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you."
Isaac Jaffee (Robert Guillaume), "Sports Night"
newbeau31
Ratliff Misting for that. Although unmisted Ratliff can be funny, too.
Hasn't anybody ever noticed that Jay's last name isn't Gordon, that's
actually his middle name. I noticed that when I watched Diaster one
time. His last name is actually Graas or something like that.
KC