[MiSTing] "Once A Teacher" 2/2 SEASON FINALE
Jim W.
MIKE: I thought for sure it was over.
SERVO: Only half of a story now, Crow.
CROW: I can't wait to start bashing *real* crap!
> I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to convince myself that
>what I was thinking was impossible, but all of the strange facts of
>my relationship with Dr. Ralph wouldn't let me just dismiss it as
>coincidence. The one thing that would not let me go was the horrid
>certainty that I had seen Dr. Ralph before that first night.
MIKE: Eew, they operated on his body!
CROW: MIKE! You did it again!
MIKE: This story is so easy to predict. I couldn't help it.
SERVO: Crow, let it go.
> It was after dark when I finally made myself go down to the
>gross lab. Fortunately, no one else was there. I must have stood
>over the carved up remains of our cadaver for thirty minutes before
>I finally got up the courage to remove the cloth we had wrapped
>around the head.
MIKE: See, the surprise is right here, anyway.
> After that, there was no denying it. The skin and muscle had
>sunken against the bones and the nose was squashed from when we had
>to turn the body over to do the back, but it was unmistakably Dr.
>Ralph's face. I somehow found my way to a chair before collapsing.
CROW: Unfortunately, I couldn't find my way to a sink before spewing.
>I still could not believe it. I kept muttering to my self, "This
>can't be happening. This can't be happening."
> "`There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are
>dreamt of in your philosophy.'"
SERVO[Dr. Ralph]: Are you freaked out yet?
> The voice came from directly behind me. It seemed that, now that
>his secret was out, he was dispensing with such formalities as
>pretending to come through the door.
MIKE: But that was good, because he also pretended to trip over the
footstool like Dick Van Dyke.
>I slowly turned my chair around, and there he was with his lab coat,
>messy hair and a chagrined smile.
> "At least this lab is being haunted by a cultured ghost. Would
>you mind telling me what you are doing here?"
CROW: I called the Ghost Busters. They're gonna take you to the big
place.
SERVO[Dr. Ralph]: Already been there, sweet-cheeks.
>I asked, a bit aggravated. Don't ask me why my first reaction was
>aggravation. I must have figured subconsciously that he wasn't going
>to hurt me, so what I was left with was aggravation that my neat
>little view of how the world worked had been upset.
MIKE: Is it a requirement that all doctors not believe in the afterlife?
> "What am I doing here?" Dr. Ralph repeated with obviously fake
>puzzlement. "I was under the impression that I was giving you and
>your friends some much needed help."
> "Come on, Doc, you know what I mean." I jerked my head toward
>the table.
SERVO: ...threby impacting it and killing myself.
>"What are you doing here helping us dissect your body?" He just
>smiled and chuckled.
CROW: That is one dedicated doctor.
> "Well, I felt that since I did you students such a disservice by
>giving you such a rundown body to dissect, I should at least help
>you in studying it."
MIKE[Dr. Ralph]: Go ahead. Play with my body. I don't mind.
> "Dr. Ralph, would you PLEASE give me a straight answer?!"
SERVO: He just did!
>Aggravation was quickly being replaced with hysteria. He must have
>seen it in my face, because he immediately dropped the comedy routine.
CROW[Groucho]: A guy walks into the doctor's office... oh, sorry.
> "I'm sorry, Laura. I'd like to give you a straight answer, but
>I'm afraid I don't have one." He looked past me at the pitiful
>remains of what used to be his body.
MIKE[Dr. Ralph]: I just wanted to help you cut up my body. That does
sound sick, but it's the truth.
>"I really don't know why I'm here. When I donated my body to this
>school, I certainly did not have plans to stick around and help cut
>it up."
SERVO[Dr. Ralph]: I forgot my ticket for Heaven's train, and they left
without me.
> He moved over to the table. "I don't even remember how I got
>here. The first thing I remember after the hospital is hearing your
>voices and thinking how good it would feel to teach again."
CROW: Boy, and some teachers kill themselves to get *away* from their
students.
>He turned around to face me and leaned heavily against the table.
>"I don't know what to tell you, Laura. Maybe my body holds me here.
>Maybe when it's cremated and my wife lays my ashes to rest I'll
>finally be gone."
MIKE: Hey, how come this never happened to any of the other bodies here?
> I've heard that spirits of the dead are always trying to move on
>to "the other side", but something about Dr. Ralph made me think
>that, for him at least, this wasn't true. For a moment, I couldn't
>understand why. Then it hit me.
SERVO[Laura]: Ow! That hurt!
> "Maybe you'll leave when it's no longer fun," I said.
CROW: Huh?
> He looked up at me sharply. "Now just what do you mean by that?"
> "When we first met you, you told me that teaching gross was fun
>for you. Dr. Alan told me that, when the time comes that it's no
>longer fun to teach, it's time to quit.
MIKE: Stick by that philosophy and you'll never get a good job.
>I don't think your body is holding you here. It may have helped you
>find your way here, but it's us students who are holding you.
>You're here because you want to be here. Because you still want to
>teach.
CROW: At least she's not hysterical anymore so she can think straight.
> Dr. Ralph's face brightened for a moment before falling again.
>"Well, it's a moot point now. The secret's out." He gestured at
>the table. "Even if your partners felt comfortable with being
>tutored by a ghost, when the tabloids hear about this they'll swarm
>all over the place.
SERVO: No, tabloids only go after the *fake* stories.
>The small number of students who would be willing to let me teach
>them would have to shoulder their way through a crowd of reporters,
>psychics and parapsychologists."
MIKE: Here's an idea: maybe you could keep it a *secret*.
> I looked down at the face of the cadaver with (pardon the pun) a
>sinking spirit.
SERVO: Aaaarrrrrrggggg!
>But then my eyes were drawn to my dissection kit and instruction
>manual resting on the edge of the table. I felt a sly smile creep
>over my face as I went over to them and pulled on a pair of gloves.
CROW[Laura]: I'll dissect the manual and that will free you!
> "Dr. Ralph, would you mind helping me tonight?
> He looked up at me, suprised. "What? Of course I wouldn't mind,
>Laura. This will most likely be my last chance anyway."
MIKE[Laura]: Where's you heart so I can gut it and use it in our next
sacrifice to the man-pig?
> I flipped open my manual and atlas, picked up a scalpel and went
>up to the head of the cadaver. "Oh, good. The schedule is so tight
>for our last three weeks that I think I should get started on the
>last dissection. I'd like to at least get the face skinned before I
>leave tonight."
SERVO: But aren't you supposed to do the dissection in *teams*?
> I looked up at him and saw a smile of understanding on his face
>as a mischievous twinkle rose in his eyes.
> Dr. Ralph helped my group finish out that semester, and my
>partners were none the wiser about who he really was. The bodies
>were disposed of when we were finished, and we didn't see Dr. Ralph
>again....
CROW: Dr. Ralph went to Maui, where he enjoys spending his time by the
pool.
> Until the beginning of the next school year. I was going to a
>study session when I heard a familiar voice coming from the gross
>lab. Sure enough, Dr. Ralph was there doing what he loves most.
ALL: No! No! Aaaccck!
>Who knows how long he'll stay there? How long will it take for a man
>who defied the boundaries of life and death to get tired of teaching?
>
>
>
>
MIKE: And?
CROW: It's over! Horray! Now we can move on to worse fanfics!
MIKE: You just dug our graves, Crow.
[all exit]
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL] red alarms and sirens
GYPSY: Allert! Allert! Major plot change ahead!
MIKE: I have a bad felling about this.
[VAN]
PEARL: Hey, I'm going to drive over into this asteroid belt and catch
my bearings...
[Pearl steps out onto fake asteroid set. It looks suspiciously like
the camping planet. TV's Frank appears]
FRANK: Howdy, Pearl! Wuzzup?
PEARL: Frank! What are you doing here? I haven't seen you for a
year!
FRANK: Well, I got fired from soultaking...I haven't stollen any yet.
Management booted me down to the Help department, and now I go around
making people's lives easier.
PEARL: That's wonderful! Hey, do you think you can help *me* out?
FRANK: Sure! I'm nearly omnipotent, so I can help you however you
wish!
PEARL: Maybe you could help me destroy Mike and the 'Bots' souls.
FRANK: Hmm...I don't know...helping someone at the price of others...
PEARL: Pleeeeeeez?
FRANK[giving in]: ...okay.
PEARL: Great! First we need an evil base, then some evil fanfics.
FRANK: I can do that! [Observer sound]
[Pearl and Frank are teleported to a giant lab that looks like a
cross between Deep 13 and Castle Forrester, with some Star Trek stuff
around.]
PEARL: This is soooo cool! Oh, Frank, we're going to have such fun
together! It'll be just like old times!
FRANK: Can...can I...?
PEARL: Oh, sure, Frank. Why don't you push the button?
FRANK: Goodie!!!
[FWOOSH!]
[Mighty Science Theater]
written by: Jim Whaley
"Once A Teacher" written by: Epona Harper
featuring:
Mike Nelson: Michael J. Nelson
Crow: Bill Corbett
Tom Servo: Kevin Murphy
Gypsy: Patrick Brantseg
also featuring:
Pearl Forrester: Mary Jo Pehl
Observer: Bill Corbett
Professor Bobo: Kevin Murphy
with:
TV's Frank: Frank Conniff
All MST3K characters and situations are trademarks of Best Brains, Inc.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only;
no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains,
Inc.
is intended or should be inferred.
No insults are intended to anyone refered to in this MiSTing.
Any alteration or reproduction of this MiSTing without permission is seen as a
direct violation of material and is not allowed.
based upon MST3K created by Joel Hodgson
special thanks to:
Best Brains, Inc.
Epona Harper
all you people who love to laugh
e-mail tj...@aol.com for comments, etc.
c1999 by Jim Whaley
>If they don't think you're crazy, they will only make trouble for him.
This has been a Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 production
-----------------
recent episodes of Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000:
304: Star Speck: Toad of Honor
305: Problems with Pokemon
306: The Knothole Murders
307: The Story Without A Name
308: Once A Teacher
All can be found easily on Web Site Number Nine,
located at http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k
or go to my web site,
http://members.aol.com/tjats/tjats.html
Jim the Ignorant (formerly Jim, that MiSTie)
#90212
http://members.aol.com/tjats/tjats.html
(re-re-launched Aug. 26 1999)