[MiSTing] Llanas Trilogy, Part I: "Satisfaction Guaranteed" (part 1 of 2)
Cressida
Original story by Dreelyn
MiSTing by Dreelyn and Juliet Youngren
[SoL. Joel and the bots are running around in circles, screaming. Joel
stops briefly and addresses the camera, while Tom and Crow continue to run
around in the background.]
Joel: Oh, hi. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. Tom and Crow and I have
a bit of a dilemma right now. You see, we've just realized we
don't have an invention for the exchange today. 'Scuse me.
[He rejoins the bots in panicking.]
[The Mads' Light begins flashing. Joel and the bots come to an abrupt
halt.]
Joel: This is it, guys. Space Ghost and Zorak are calling.
[He presses the button.]
[Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is standing in front of the camera. TV's Frank
stands next to him, wearing a "Creature from the Black Lagoon" mask.]
Dr. F: Hello, boobies! Ready for the invention exchange?
[SoL. Joel fidgets uncomfortably.]
Joel: Um...why don't you go first, sir?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Gladly. My invention for today is being modeled by the lovely
Frank.
[Frank pirouettes gracefully.]
Dr. F: It's a lifelike Halloween mask, guaranteed to scare any kiddies
away from your front door and straight under the bed.
[SoL]
Joel: Well, that's not exactly a *new* invention, is it?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: No, but I've managed to solve the safety question which has
plagued trick-or-treating for decades. You see, this mask doesn't
come off!
Frank: WHAT?! [He starts tugging at the mask.]
[SoL]
Tom: You're an evil and degenerate person, Dr. Forrester!
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Thank you. It's an improvement for Frank, anyway.
Frank: Get this thing off me! I can't breathe!
[He moves to the back of the lab, still trying to pull off the mask]
Dr. F: And what do you little pieces of space garbage have for your
invention this week?
[SoL]
Joel: Well...we...um...
[At that moment something which looks like an aquarium studded with
Christmas tree lights falls from above, hitting Crow and knocking him to
the ground.]
Joel: We invented...[he picks up the box]...THIS!
Crow: [on floor] Owww...
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: And what is that?
[SoL. Joel runs his hands over the device, trying to figure out what it
is. In doing so, he accidentally turns it on.]
Object: I am Orac.
Joel: [looking up] It's an Orac.
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: And what does it *do*?
[SoL. Crow, swaying a little, raises his head over the counter.]
Crow: It packs one heck of a punch, that's for sure.
Joel: [muttering to himself] Orac, where have I heard that name
before....
Tom: It slices! It dices! It makes julienne fries! You can even cut a
tin can with it! But you wouldn't want to.
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Just how gullible do you think I am? You don't really have an
invention this week, do you? [Not waiting for an answer] To
punish you for your lack of inventiveness, I'm sending you a
*Blake's 7* fanfic. You remember *Blake's 7*, don't you?
[SoL]
Joel: Sure! Old British science fiction series, very dark, no budget,
everybody got killed in the end.
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Well, this little story is set after the end of the series, but
the characters are somehow still alive. Get ready for a load of
pain, plot contrivances, and unintentional sexual innuendo! I
give you "Sati$faction Guaranteed" by Dreelyn!
[SoL. Lights and buzzers.]
All: We got story siiiiiiiign!
[Door sequence. They enter the theatre and sit down.]
> SATI$FACTION GUARANTEED
>
> by Dreelyn
>
>
> Saw an advert in a magazine--
Crow: Really? Me too! Was it the one for shaving cream?
> 'SAVE', it said.
> With the satisfaction guaranteed
> To cool your head...
> --"So Misled"
> Duran Duran
>
>
> "I think I've finally acquainted myself with this ship's controls,"
> Tarrant said.
Crow: [Tarrant] They refused to shake hands with me, though.
> "It's a real beauty--a brand-new Federation cruiser."
Joel: [Tarrant] Let's go cruising for chicks in it!
> "I still can't believe we got away with stealing it," Dayna said in
> amazement.
> "If you remember, Dayna, it wasn't all that easy," Soolin retorted.
Tom: [Dayna] No, I don't remember! Just how *did* we do it?
Crow: [Soolin] Shut up.
> "Yes, but we *did* it," Tarrant said triumphantly. "That's all
> that really matters.
Tom: Because the plot is totally irrelevant.
> And now that Avon and Orac have finished with the
> teleport,
Joel: [remembering] Of course! Orac was the name of their computer!
Crow: And *that's* what conked me on the noggin out there?
Joel: We'll have to take a look at that later.
> this ship is better than the *Scorpio* ever was."
Tom: [Tarrant] I'm a Libra, so I'm not compatible with Scorpios anyway.
> "Yeah, it's great," Vila said sadly. "Shame Blake couldn't see
> it." He glared at Avon,
Joel: [Avon] Sheesh, you kill your best friend *once* and nobody ever
lets you forget it.
> who sat silently sulking
Crow: ...and selling sea shells by the sea shore.
> in a corner.
> Avon stood up suddenly. He opened his mouth as though he were
> about to say something, but refrained. He shut his eyes;
Joel: So he's standing there with his eyes shut and his mouth open?
He must look pretty silly.
Tom: Open your mouth and close your eyes, and you will get a big
surprise!
> lines of pain
> were etched around his mouth.
Crow: ...in delicate pencil, with just the right shading.
> The rest of the crew looked away.
Joel: To hide the fact that they were laughing up their sleeves.
> Tarrant was the first to speak. "A break would do us good--all of
> us.
Tom: [Tarrant] Especially my invisible pet hamster, Larry!
> A break from the Federation, from running away."
Crow: If they take a break from running away, won't they get caught?
All: D'oh!
> The others listened intently, glad for a diversion from Avon's
> pain.
Joel: Is he armed with a whip or something?
Tom: [imitates sound of a whip cracking] Beg, you fools, beg!
Crow: [Pres. Clinton] I feel your pain, Avon.
Tom: We all do...
> Soolin folded her arms across her chest. Dayna sunk back into
> her seat.
Joel: Quick, get a life preserver! She's sinking!
> Vila grinned a bit.
Tom: [sings] Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa, men have named you...
> Avon spoke. "Yes!" he agreed. "Yes--a break!"
> "Do you have any place in mind?" Vila asked.
Crow: [Tarrant] How about MacDonald's? We deserve a break today.
> "There's a planet called Arda One in the Exious galaxy that sounds
> like a good spot," Tarrant began.
Joel: [Tarrant] They have bingo tournaments every afternoon, and
shuffleboard on Fridays!
> "That's a good distance from here," Soolin said in surprise.
Tom: Thanks for the exposition, Soolin.
> "Not really," Tarrant continued. "This ship is equipped with a
> fully-operational hyperdrive. It's just a push of a button away."
Joel: How *convenient*!
> "You *do* think of everything," Dayna said, mildly sarcastic. "But
> have you thought of Federation occupation of Arda One?"
Tom: So instead of quietly camping out on some backwater planet, they
want to waltz into a Federation-occupied resort. Have their
brains been replaced with macaroni?
> "I've heard of it," Vila began. "It's a lot like Freedom City--the
> Federation doesn't bother with it." Blake had never told what had
> happened to Jenna, Cally and him while Vila and Avon were on their
> secret gambling spree.
Crow: Whoah, so Avon and Vila missed out on a wild orgy, huh?
Joel: Knowing them, they'd rather have the money anyway.
> "Then *that's* where we'll go," Avon said, equally unknowing
Tom: Unseeing...uncaring...
> about
> the possibility of Federation meddling in the affairs of Arda One.
Tom: It's a Federation planet, they're the most wanted criminals in the
galaxy...you'd think the possibility would occur to them.
> "Strap yourselves in, everyone," Tarrant commanded. "Prepare to
> enter hyperspace!
Crow: [Tarrant] Please return all tray tables to an upright and locked
position.
> Oh, and Avon, hang on to Orac!"
Tom: Yes, wouldn't want to lose the supercomputer now, would we?
> The five fastened their safety belts and Avon held Orac tightly as
Joel: [Orac] Oh, Avon! I didn't know you cared!
> Tarrant programmed flight coordinates into the computer. The crew
> braced themselves for the jump to hyperdrive.
> "Four, three..."
Crow: Five!
Joel: Three, sir!
> Tarrant had his finger over the button, "...Two,
> one, zero--here it goes!"
Crow: And where it stops, nobody knows!
> He let his finger fall on the button marked
> "hyperdrive."
Crow: But alas, it slipped to the one marked "eject".
Tom: Why "alas"?
> The five felt themselves being pushed backward by an incredible
> force.
Joel: [Darth Vader] Avon, I am your father!
Tom: [Avon/Luke] That's impossible!!
> Avon nearly let Orac slip from his hands, but he tightened his
> grasp on the computer and held on.
Joel: [Avon] No, Orac! Don't leave me!
> The jump through hyperspace took
> only a few minutes, but to the crew it seemed to last for hours.
Crow: Much like this introduction.
> Suddenly, the crew members were thrown forward in their seats.
Tom: In other words, they have no special effects budget to simulate
the hyperdrive.
> The
> hyperdrive had ended, and the ship had automatically come into orbit
> around a small, blue-gray planet.
Joel: [singing] The earth's a big blue marble when you see it from out
there...
> "That's Arda One," Tarrant said after recovering from the strain of
> the hyperdrive. "I think."
> "Yes! That's it!" Soolin exclaimed in surprise.
Crow: How can she tell? Is there a big sign in lights?
Tom: She knows through the Power of Exposition.
> "That wasn't so bad," Dayna said, "For a first time in hyperdrive."
> She smiled.
Crow: [Dayna] So, was it good for you, too?
Joel: Crow....
Crow: Aw, c'mon, Dr. Forrester warned us. Why fight it?
> Avon watched the viewer screen with interest, and grinned.
Tom: Apparently, it was.
> "At last."
Joel: Sheesh, it's been less than 15 minutes since Tarrant first said
"Let's take a vacation." Impatient, isn't he?
> Vila regarded him in surprise, not knowing that Avon had buried
> the memory of Blake's death deep in his subconscious.
Tom: [Avon] Blake? Who's Blake?
> "Keep your belts on, and prepare to land," Tarrant ordered.
Joel: [Tarrant] And for the safety of yourself and others, please remain
seated in an upright position and keep your arms inside the ride at
all times.
> "We're going in."
>
> The five entered the Main Visitors' Terminal to the planet Arda One
> from Landing Bay Twelve, where they had left the ship.
Crow: Remember that, folks! There will be a quiz later!
Joel: Meanwhile, back on Thetis Two, the Fab Four and Seven of Nine were
checking into the Motel Six.
> The Main Terminal was a sort of greeting place
Tom: Which is almost, but not quite, like an *actual* greeting place...
> for all the visitors to Arda One,
> which signs in all languages proclaimed as the Pleasure Planet.
Tom: Why bother? All alien races speak the Queen's English anyway.
> The
> Main Terminal was a large room with many separate smaller terminal
> entrances along its walls. Above each entrance was a sign in some
> language telling each respective race where to proceed.
Joel: Diversity is not encouraged here.
> The crew walked
> along until they came to Terminal Seven, whose sign read:
>
> TERRANS
> Welcome to
> ARDA ONE
> the
> PLEASURE PLANET
Tom: [random group member] Hey, do you think we're on Arda One?
>
> "I believe this one's for us," Tarrant said.
Crow: It said "Terrans" are welcome, not "Tarrant."
> "Let's check in."
> The five followed him into the Terminal entrance.
Joel: [ominously] And none of them were ever heard from again.
Tom: Wait a minute...Avon, Soolin, Dayna, Vila...there's an extra
person in there somewhere!
Crow: Maybe Orac's with them?
Tom: Nope, there were five total when they left the ship. Either
they're being followed, or Tarrant's somehow looped himself into a
parallel dimension.
> Once inside, the crew found themselves in a pleasantly-scented
> area.
Crow: It had the fresh aroma of Pine-Sol!
> Beyond a check-in counter that stood about two feet in front of
> them, they could see a cheery hallway and many potted plants--but no
> other Terran visitors.
Joel: Evil plants! Eating all the visitors!
Tom: [deep voice] Feed me, Seymour!
> A man who had been standing behind the counter now beckoned them
> in. "Come in, come in! Welcome to the Pleasure Planet!
Tom: [Man] By the way, did you know you're on Arda One?
> We have
> something in store for each of you! We know you'll love it here! Your
> pleasure is our business--satisfaction guaranteed!"
Joel: Quick! Somebody tell Mick Jagger!
> "Does that mean if we don't like it, we can get our money back?"
> Vila asked uncomfortably. He was suddenly aware that they seemed to be
> the only other people in the Terminal.
Tom: About time...
> "You'll love it!" the man answered enthusiastically. "Ladies, will
> you step that way? We have a special suite for each of you. This is
> your hostess, Tanna. She'll make sure that you're provided with all you
> desire."
Joel: [Man] Except butterscotch pudding. We're out of that.
> A tall, thin blonde had approached the counter, where she now stood
> waiting for Soolin and Dayna. The two gave wary glances in Tarrant's
> direction.
> "Go ahead," Tarrant said cheerily. "It's the way things are done
> here.
Crow: Ahh...so THAT'S the way things are done here...
Tom: [Tarrant] Thank God...
> Besides, this is a *break*, remember?
Crow: [Tarrant] Commercials are running even as we speak!
> We'll meet you back here
> in seventy-two hours."
Joel: [Tarrant] Synchronize watches: 3-2-1...
> He watched the blonde intently as he spoke.
> "If you say so," Dayna said. "Come on, Soolin." The two followed
> Tanna down a hallway.
Tom: But...if Soolin's not there, who will provide exposition for them?
> "Now," Vila began, rubbing his palms together, "What about us?"
Joel: [whiny] What about Vila? What about ME?
> "I was just getting to you." The man watched Tarrant watching the
> blonde leave with Dayna and Soolin. "Don't bother yourself with her,
> son. She isn't *near* the best we have."
Tom: [Man] The others are housebroken and everything!
> Tarrant turned to Vila. Vila smiled broadly. Avon grinned a bit,
> too.
Crow: All these men staring at each other eagerly is making me...
uncomfortable.
> "If you'll follow me this way," the man said. He talked as he led
> the three men down the hallway.
Joel: Talented fellow, walking and talking at the *same time*.
> "Payment will be expected before you leave."
> "Naturally," Tarrant said, knowing full well they had no money.
Joel: [Wimpy] I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a buxom young lady
today...
> "What do you lads have in mind for today, then?" The man looked
> back at the three.
> "A good drink would be nice," Vila said.
> "All in due time, all in due time," the man said. "I'm Roark, by
> the way."
Joel: [Roark] Welcome to Fantasy Island. Oh, wait. This is Arda One.
Crow: De plane! De plane!
Tom: No--de Pleasure Planet!
> "A good drink would be *quite* nice, Roark," Vila insisted.
> "Don't be in such a rush, lad! You'll get your drink!
Tom: [Roark] All the hemlock you want!
> But first,
> I've got something else you might enjoy." The man turned a corner, and
Crow: --Opened his raincoat.
> the three crew members followed him into a good-sized room.
> "Well, I'll be..." Tarrant mumbled.
Joel: [Tarrant] Ping-pong tables!
> In the room, against a far
> wall, were standing five lovely young ladies, of all different
> appearances.
Joel: One had green hair, another had three eyes...
Tom: Well, that's "different," all right.
> Each was clothed simply, wearing a short, tight, black,
> sleeveless dress.
Crow: They're a Robert Palmer backup band!
> "The one at the right's a real beauty," Vila said to Tarrant.
Tom: [Vila] She's a one-in-a-million girl!
> Roark overheard him. "She's yours, then, lad--for the time being,
> anyhow. Laine is her name."
> The short, shapely redhead at the far end of the line approached
> Vila slowly. She hung on his shoulder.
Crow: Suicide already? She just met him!
Tom: Vila has that effect on people.
> "I'm Laine," she said in a
> soft, sultry tone.
> "I'm Vila," he said somewhat eagerly.
> "Come this way, Vila."
Joel: [Vila] Well, if I could come *that* way....
> The girl took him through a door in the
> side wall.
> "I like that blonde on the end," Tarrant said, unabashed.
> The man motioned for the girl to come forward. She was a tall
> blonde with big, blue eyes.
Tom: [Tarrant] Oh, Soolin! I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.
> The girl gave Tarrant a coy smile. "I'm Darla. What's your name?"
> Her voice was high and light.
Crow: In fact, she sounded exactly like Mickey Mouse!
> "Tarrant," answered Tarrant, "Del Tarrant."
Crow: So his name's Tarrant, then?
Joel: Yeah, pretty much.
> He took the blonde on
> his arm and the two went through another, different door.
> Avon stood, watching his companions choose their fancies, and
> debating in his mind whether he, too, should choose.
Joel: [Scottish] Choose life. Choose a family. Choose a career.
Tom: Preach! Write! Act! Do anything save to lie down and die!
> He suddenly
> decided against the whole idea,
Joel: You know, refusing to choose is also a choice.
> and was about to turn and leave, when
> the man spoke again.
> "Well, lad, what'll it be?"
Crow: [Avon] Ham on rye, hold the mustard.
> "I...I don't..."
> "What's your name, then, lad?"
Tom: Isn't Avon like, 50?
Joel: He has a "young" face.
> "Avon...Kerr Avon..." He forgot to give a pseudonym.
Crow: Not like either of the others bothered.
> At the mention of his name, a petite brunette near the middle of
> the line suddenly perked up a bit.
Tom: Hang on. There were five girls originally and two of them left.
That leaves three. You can't be "near the middle" of a line
of three. You're either *in* the middle or at one end! [pants]
Joel: Easy, Tom, easy.
> "Avon?" she asked, her quiet voice
> barely audible.
Joel: [Girl] Can you sell me some cosmetics?
> "Kerr Avon?"
> "Yes...uh..."
Crow: [Avon] Yes, I'm Avon, Kerr Avon.
Tom: [Girl] You're really Avon? Kerr Avon?
Crow: [Avon] Yes, I'm really Avon, Kerr Avon.
Tom: [Girl] Are you sure you're Avon? Kerr--
Joel: Enough, you two.
> Avon found her strangely beautiful.
Tom: [Avon] Something about those purple teeth really turns me on!
> Her build was
> small, yet voluptuous, and her deep eyes stared at him with an odd,
> almost hypnotic glance.
Joel: [Girl] You are getting verrrrry sleeeeeepy.
> Her hair was short and brown, and hung about
> her face in no particular style.
Crow: Sooo...Avon likes 'em short and frowsy.
> "Kerr," she repeated, letting his name slip from her lips
Joel: Hey, loose lips sink ships!
> in a soft
> purr. She approached him slowly, her eyes locked with his.
Joel: OW!
> Her hand
> went up to his shoulder, and she rubbed the soft hairs on the back of
> his neck--which stood on end.
Tom: Wha--? His neck stood on end?
Crow: Bet that's not all that stood--
Joel: *Enough*, Crow!
> "I am called Neyjha."
Crow: [Neyjha] I am an alien, so I may not ever use contractions.
> Avon nodded a bit, but didn't speak. Roark stood, watching him,
> with a broad smile on his face. "Well, lad?
Joel: [Roark] What was your name, again? I don't think I've heard it
enough times....
> She seems to have taken a
> liking to you. Will you have her?"
> "Well...uh..."
Tom: [Roark] C'mon, she's 30% off on account of the bad hair!
> "Kerr," the girl pleaded, her smooth cheek pressed against Avon's
> shoulder. "Oh, Kerr."
Joel: [Neyjha] You're so verr.
> Avon turned various shades of red,
Tom: Crimson...magenta...claret...brick...maroon....
> and then looked, almost with
> bewilderment, at his temptress.
Joel: [Wayne's World voice] Whoa!
> She was pulling at his hand like a
> small child would, flexing and unflexing his fingers.
Crow: [Neyjha] Yours have joints? Cool!
> "Come with me,
> Kerr," she crooned, pointing a delicate finger at a nearby door. "Come
> with me."
Joel: [Avon] If I could come with you...oh, wait.
> Avon couldn't refuse her pleas any longer. As he followed her
> through the door, he could hear Roark chuckling. He closed the door
> behind them, blocking out the man's mocking laughter.
Crow: [Roark] Wait till he finds out *she's* not really a *she* at all...
>
> Roark entered one of the control chambers for Terminal Seven.
> "Poor lad! Scared out of his wits!" he said, still chuckling.
Tom: Well, that's how it is on a young lad's first time, you know.
> A loud beeping noise sounded suddenly,
Crow: [Roark] Oh, goody! The scones are ready.
> and Roark flipped on the switch to his
> console's comlink. "Yes? Roark here."
> "Has the job been completed?" a distinct, feminine voice asked.
> "He's in with her now, Commissioner."
Joel: Whoah! Commissioner Gordon's had a sex change!
> "Excellent! Keep me posted, Roark."
Crow: [Roark] So you're asking me to watch? Kinky.
> "Yes, Commissioner Sleer."
> "A great deal is riding on this," Sleer said.
Tom: [Sleer] The odds are 20 to 1 that Avon won't be able to perform!
> "I expect you to
> make sure that *nothing* goes wrong."
> "Nothing will, Commissioner. I guarantee it."
Joel: [Roark] I spiked his drink with viagra.
> "Yes," Sleer snickered softly. "I know. 'Satisfaction
> guaranteed'..." Her voice trailed off in a wicked laugh as Roark
> switched off the comlink.
Joel: [Roark] She does that better than I do, dammit!
> Commissioner Sleer, despite all of her
> promises of wealth and power, gave him a distinctly uncomfortable
> feeling.
Crow: Like that time someone slipped peanut butter down his shorts.
> He knew little of her plans for this man, or for the strange
> girl she had brought with her to Arda One.
All: The Pleasure Planet!
> But going along with
> whatever it was she had planned, Roark thought, was ultimately the
> safest and most rewarding--if not the only--way to keep his "little
> business" open and running.
Tom: Sheesh, he's taken over a whole planet and he calls it a "little
business"?
> He exited the control room to circulate
> about the chamber and mingle with his clients.
Crow: What clients?! That place was more deserted than a school on
a Saturday.
>
> Tarrant and Vila sat in a comfortably furnished room, eating,
> drinking, and discussing the day's events in the most relaxing way
> possible.
Crow: [Vila] Good thing we got rid of those girls right away.
Tom: [Tarrant] So, was it good for you too?
Joel: I don't think it's meant that way, guys...
> The day had all but totally exhausted Tarrant, and it had
> made Vila hungry.
Crow: Sure it is! See? See?
> "The food's really good, Tarrant," Vila said. "You should try
> some."
Joel: [Vila] You just have to spear it with your fork before it
wriggles off the plate.
> "In a minute, Vila. I don't quite have the energy to eat right
> now." Tarrant stretched.
> "Hot little number, eh?" Vila said with a grin.
Joel: [Tarrant] Yeah...four... [wistful sigh]
> "Oh, yeah. And not too stupid, either.
Tom: Oh, c'mon, Tarrant, she voluntarily spent time with you, didn't
she?
Crow: [Tarrant] I like 'em a little stupid so I can feel superior, but
not so stupid that it looks like I have bad taste.
> I'm meeting her back there
> tomorrow." Tarrant laughed and Vila laughed with him.
Joel: Tarrant cried and he cried alone.
> "Hey...hey, Tarrant?" Vila asked after calming down. "Hey, where
> do you suppose Avon is?"
> "It *has* been a while, hasn't it?" Tarrant said.
> "Yeah...about five hours!" Vila found this extremely funny--for no
> apparent reason--and began to laugh again. "Five hours!"
Tom: Vila's easily amused, isn't he?
Crow: Giggling, hungry...I take it back. They obviously spent the
afternoon smoking a lot of dope.
> "Wow!" Tarrant exclaimed, laughing. "Five hours! I wonder--" He
> was interrupted by the sound of the door sliding open.
> Tarrant and Vila both turned to see Avon stagger through the door
> and go straight for the nearest chair. He collapsed into it, eyes
> closed.
> Vila was the first to speak. "Avon! Where have you been?!"
Tom: [Avon] I've been to London to visit the Queen.
> "She wouldn't let me leave," Avon sighed.
Joel: [Avon] Damn Amway salespeople!
> "What?!" Tarrant said, pulling up a chair. "I want to hear this."
> He stifled the urge to laugh.
Crow: [Avon] What have you been smoking?
> "She wouldn't let me leave the room. It was the strangest sight
> I've ever seen! She just kept begging and pleading...I finally had to
> get up and push her aside. I only got out of there because I promised
> that I'd be back!"
Joel: [Terminator] I'll be back.
Tom: Oh, that is *just* like a man!
> "How do you *do* that?" Vila asked in amazement.
> "I wish I knew. How long was I in there?"
> "About five hours," Tarrant giggled.
> Avon moaned.
Crow: If you weren't finished, you shouldn't have come out...
> "Are you really going to go back?" Vila asked.
> "Are you MAD?!" Avon shouted.
Joel: [Avon] Of *course* I am! She's one hot babe!
> "Here," Tarrant began, "have something to eat, and relax a bit."
> He handed Avon some food.
Tom: [Tarrant] These brownies are terrific, man.
> Avon took it from him. "I want to go back to the Landing Bay and
> get Orac from the ship."
Tom: [Avon] I thought I'd see if Neyjha's up for a threesome.
> "Why?" Vila asked. "What good is Orac here?"
Crow: [Avon] Orac's not just a supercomputer--he's an amazing sex toy!
> "I just feel safer with him around," Avon lied.
> Tarrant knew something was up, but he didn't inquire further.
Tom: Not the sharpest crayon in the box, is he?
> He *did* wonder what Avon had been doing for five hours, and if the
> obvious was true, why he hadn't come back dead.
Tom: Tarrant just can't admit somebody might have more stamina than he
does.
> That was a mystery that would
> probably never be solved, Tarrant thought.
Joel: But he hadn't reckoned on Pete Moss, Space Detective!
[They get up and leave the theater. Door sequence.]
(Concluded in part 2)