[MiSTing] "Once A Teacher" 1/2 SEASON FINALE
Jim W.
Turn down your lights...(to lower your electric bill.)
In the not-too-distant future,
January of '99,
Pearl Forrester has kept Mike in pain,
And has done it for quite some time.
But now with the castle all blown up
Her ghostly ancestors have seen enough.
They saw that Pearl's plans were too diverse
So they sent her packing for the edges of the universe!
(PEARL: I'll be back!)
"I'll send Mike cheesy stories,
The worst ever made. (lalala)
He'll have to sit and read them all
So that my destiny can be saved." (lalala)
Now keep in mind Mike can't control
Which fanfic she'll send him next. (lalala)
He'll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his robot friends.
ROBOT ROLL CALL
CAMBOT ("Hit it!")
GYPSY ("Oh, my!")
TOM SERVO ("Find my eyes, I dare 'ya!")
CROOOOOOOW! ("You know you want me, baby!")
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
And other science facts, (lalala)
Repeat to yourself "It's Hypertime",
And then you can relax!
for Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000!
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL] Mike is standing alone on the bridge.
MIKE: Hi everyone. Once again, I'm Mike Nelson along with my robot
companions traped in space aboard the Satellite of Love.
[Servo and Crow enter]
SERVO: Mike! Mike!
CROW: The end is neigh! Apocolypse is upon us!
MIKE: Calm down, you two. What prompted this behavior?
CROW: This is our *season finalie*! And you know what that means!
MIKE: Uh...no.
SERVO: After our first season the Satellite was blown down to the
Atlantic Ocean and Jim came up here while you got a job making pizza!
CROW: Yeah, and at the end of the second season, Castle Forrester
blew up and we were sent back through time and space!
MIKE: What makes you think anything's going to happen this time?
SERVO: Face it, Mike. Every season the premise changes.
MIKE: May I be excused for one second? [exits]
SERVO: I bet he's going to build a storm shelter or something.
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign now. End of season in sight.
*commercial sign*
CROW: You don't have to rub it in!
[commercials]
[SOL] Mike returns with a walkie talkie.
MIKE: Okay, you guys. I've just had a chat with the allmighty
author himself and he wants to tell you something.
[my voice on the walkie talkie]
JIM: Hey, you guys. How's it going?
CROW[panicky]: You would know that.
JIM: [chuckling] Just joshing. Anyway...I'd like to defend myself
by saying that the reason I keep changing things is that I get bored
with you.
SERVO: That's not very nice!
JIM: Look at yourselves! The same old thing day after day, year
after year. Even I can't keep the jokes running that long. I need
to change things around. You know, to spark interest! It's nothing
against you guys personally.
MIKE: See? I told you nothing bad would happen.
JIM: ...except now that you mention it there's this little idea
I had...
CROW and SERVO: Nooooo!!!
*Mads' sign*
MIKE: Calm down, guys. I'm sure it's not that bad. Hey, Pearl.
Wuzzup?
[VAN] Pearl is wearing several bandages and a hospital robe. The
Death Star can be seen getting smaller in the background.
Observer and Bobo are conspicuously absent.
PEARL: Hey, guys. Don't worry, I'm fine. Just a mild nerological
imperfection that may endanger my sanity.
[SOL]
MIKE: But you're fine?
[VAN]
PEARL: Yes. Anyway, I snuck out of the hospital and left Bobo and
Brain Guy behind. I've finally gotten rid of those two knobs!
[Death Star Hospital waiting room] Observer and Bobo are reading
Entertainment Weekly.
OBSERVER: Look, MST3K is the loser of the week!
BOBO: Hey, the Chimp Channel! I wonder if we get that out here?
[VAN]
PEARL: I'm now on a quest to find actual, compitent sidekicks. Oh,
yeah, and send you some crappy reading.
[SOL]
MIKE: Well, it's nice to know you haven't forgotten about us.
CROW and SERVO: Mike!
[VAN]
PEARL: So whilst I do that, why don't you read this nutty little
thing called "Once A Teacher." Adios, saps.
[SOL] The 'Bots are panicky.
CROW and SERVO[muttering]: Somethin's gonna happen... somethin's
gonna happen...
*movie sign*
CROW: Aaaaaaa!
SERVO: Aaaaaaa!
MIKE: Crow! Servo! Calm! Down! Movie! Sign!
6...5...4...3...2...1...
CROW: Watch, a vampire will come out of the screen and infest
Gypsy and then the Satellite will fall into a black hole.
MIKE: Would you give it a rest?
>"Once A Teacher"
>
>By Epona Harper
SERVO: My dad was once a teacher...'till he got a *job*!
MIKE: Grasping for strings?
SERVO: I can't be witty when I'm nervous.
>
> Good teachers.
CROW: I was stuck in detention once, and Mr. Hoover and Ms. Sneid
were playing Good Teacher Bad Teacher.
>Now that's a rarity these days. You know the old saying,
>"Those who can, do, and those who can't, teach"? With schools,
>colleges and graduate schools having at least a third of their
>faculty meeting that description, it's no wonder most people grow
>up reguarding education as a chore to get over with.
MIKE: Personally, I find reading stuff like this as a "chore to get
over with".
> But, if you're lucky, you can sometimes get a real teacher.
SERVO: "Real teacher," as opposed to the ones that come into the room,
write stuff on the board, and tell you to elaborate upon it without
an actual lesson?
>Someone who actually loves their job, who gets excited about what
>they teach, and, as a result, makes you excited about learning it.
CROW: Good luck finding one!
>The kind of teacher they have to force into retirement, and, even
>then, are always popping up at the schools. Dr. Ralph is like that.
MIKE: So is Mr. Holland.
>Talk about a man who won't let anything stop him from teaching.
SERVO[Dr. Ralph]: We interrupt Ms. McFeelie's science lecture to
bring you this special announcement... a thiry-minute seminar on
the pythagorean theorum.
> What do I mean?
CROW[author]: I mean teachers suck...mostly.
>Well, if you can keep a secret, I'll tell you, but don't you dare
>tell anyone else.
MIKE: Since this MiSTing is being transmitted to the World Wide
Web, I doubt it'll be kept secret.
>If they don't think you're crazy, they will only make trouble for
>him.
SERVO: Huh?
CROW: Who?
MIKE: Hah!
CROW and SERVO: [stare at Mike]
MIKE: I meant "Huh".
>And, quite frankly, Dr. Ralph is doing a lot of good right where he
>is.
CROW: Locked up in the sanitarium with all the other freaks.
>I should know.
CROW: I'm his cell mate.
>He is the main reason I survived my first semester at med school.
SERVO: You went to med school?
CROW: Get away! Get away!
MIKE[mumbling almost to himself]: Not all doctors practice voodoo,
guys.
> I met him during my first week of classes, when all aspiring
>doctors are suffering from information overload and wondering if
>they should have become sales representatives instead.
MIKE[doctor/salesman]: And here's a lovely set of esophogees for only
three easy payments of $39.99!
>On our fourth day, we were taken down to the gross lab to get
>started on the cadavers.
SERVO: Abra-cadaver!
[Crow and Mike stare at Servo]
SERVO: What?
>I can still remember how I felt when Dan, Ian, Deborah and I opened
>our table for the first time.
MIKE: You were performing surgery on a table? What do they teach
in med school?
> "I hope I don't look that pathetic when I die," was Dan's first
>comment.
> "I hope I can survive an entire semester of breathing all this
>formaldehyde."
CROW: THEN YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN DOCTORS!
> "Could be worse, Deb," I said. "This guy is fairly lean. At
>least we won't have to dig through six inches of fat like Sarah's
>group."
ALL: [noises of disgust]
> "Hey, cover up his face before you start cutting." Ian was
>looking a little green. "I don't think I can do this if we don't.
SERVO[Dan]: But we're doing a nose transplant.
>It feels like he's watching us."
> "Ian, you wus! If you couldn't stand this you shouldn't have
>come to med school."
MIKE[Ian]: You're right...I'll take that mail-in degree thing they
advertise on television and be a doctor in no time!
> "Give him a break, Dan. I won't hurt anything.
CROW: Of course you won't...everything's DEAD TO BEGIN WITH!
>Anyway, since Head and Neck is last on the schedule, covering them
>will keep them from drying out too soon."
SERVO: Eew, I do *not* want to see prune-faces!
> Sometimes, I wonder what would have happened if we hadn't kept
>the head covered or if the head wasn't scheduled last at our school.
>Things would have probably turned out very differently.
MIKE: Yeah, they might have had to do some other body part last.
> "Alright, guys, let's get started."
> You can never appreciate how hard it is to find your way around
>the human body until someone assigns you one and gives you an atlas
>with a list of structures to find.
CROW: The knee!
MIKE: Um... um... where did this map say it was? Uh... here it is!
CROW: No, that's the large intestine.
>The structures in the body don't look alot like the pictures, and
>they are not always in the same places. The professors were very
>willing to help, but there was only four of them and sixty of us.
SERVO: Makes you wish people would stop having so many kids.
MIKE: No it doesn't.
SERVO: Shut up and play along.
>After they left to go home, we still hadn't finished the assignment.
CROW[Ian]: I still can't find the chest!
>However, my group was too stubborn to call it quits for the night.
MIKE: There's a thin line between stubborn and stupid, you know.
> "OK, there's the musculocutaneous nerve. What's next, Deb?"
> "Uh... Oh, here it is. The lateral brachial cutaneous nerve."
SERVO: Got 'ya! I made that one up.
> "I just hope we didn't destroy it when we skinned the arm." My
>patience was almost gone at this point.
CROW: I hope your patient wasn't. Ha, hah!
[Mike and Servo stare at Crow]
CROW: Now that we've all been stared at, let's finish this thing!
>"Did you have to go hacking through the subcutaneous tissue like
>that, Dan?"
MIKE[Dan]: I'm also working on my serial killer's degree!
> "Hey! Lay off, will ya? I'm kinda new to this."
> "We're all new to this, Laura. You don't have to jump on us,"
>Deb snapped.
SERVO: I'm going to just give up and say "no comment."
> "Alright, I'm sorry," I said. "It's just that I'm exhausted, and
>the fumes are getting to me.
MIKE: Great, a school where the students are force-fed narcotics.
>If I could just find these nerves, I'd be happy to call it quits for
>tonight."
> "Having some trouble?" We all looked up to see a man with
>tousled, white hair and a lab coat standing in the door to the lab.
CROW[Dr. Frankenstein]: Could I borrow a brain?
> "You could say that," I sighed. "I feel like I'm trying to solve
>a jigsaw puzzle in the dark."
> "Well, that's typical for first year med students," he said with
>a chuckle. "Would you like some help?"
> "Is a pig's butt pork?!" said Dan.
SERVO: Mike, this is getting too hard!
CROW: Yeah! There's no way we can possibly riff this kind of stuff.
MIKE: If you're strong, you'll get through this.
>"Please, Dr...." Dan glance at the name on his coat, Ussnaak?"
SERVO: That's U.S.S. Naak. It's the starship Picard gave Marrissa
for Christmas last year.
> He chuckled again, "It's pronounced Us-knock.
CROW: No, Knock-Us-Please.
>Like Loch Ness, but I don't mind if you call me Dr. Ralph.
MIKE: What kind of name is Ralph, anyway?
>I figure that anyone with a name like Raphiel Usnach should try to
>make it easy for other's to address them."
> I was already starting to like him. He seemed to be in his
>seventy's but was by no means run down. You know what I mean. Some
>people sour as they age, but Dr. Ralph was not one of them.
SERVO: He got bitter instead.
>It was obvious that most of the wrinkles on his face were smile
>lines, and there was a light twinkling in his eyes all the time.
>There was also something familiar about him, though I couldn't for
>the life of me place where I had seen him.
MIKE: That's right, he was at the last Mad Scientist Convention.
> "Dr. Ralph, I'm Laura, and this is Dan, Deborah and Ian," I
>looked at him with what must have been obvious relief. "You have no
>idea how glad we are to see you."
> "It's my pleasure," he said with another quiet chuckle. "Now,
>what was it you were having trouble finding?"
> With Dr. Ralph's help, we were not only able to finish the
>assignment, but we were also able to get ahead.
CROW: Let's just skip right along and not worry about conversation.
>Dr. Ralph is one of the best instructors I've ever had. He didn't
>spoon-feed us the information. He really made us work, but his way
>of helping us understand the logic behind how the human body is put
>together was pure genius.
SERVO: Is he one of those guys you mentioned that "can't"?
>As we finished and started to clean up, I remembered that, during
>orientation, we had been introduced to the lecturing professors, but
>I hadn't seen Dr. Ralph among them.
MIKE: He's not a certified doctor! He's Dan Akroyd!
> "Dr. Ralph," I asked, "are you going to be doing lectures, or are
>you just working in the gross lab?"
> He hesitated for a moment. "Well," he finally said, "neither
>really. I'm not on the facualty here. I'm retired."
> "If you're retired, what are you doing down in this stink?" asked
>Dan.
CROW: "Stink", "Gross lab", who comes up with these creative names?
>"If I was retired, I would be on a beach somewhere having fun."
> Dr. Ralph just laughed. "For me, this is fun."
> "Breathing fumes and carving cadavers is fun?!"
MIKE[Dr. Ralph]: It helps if you're insane.
> "It's not that. It's the teaching that's fun. I was visiting
>the labs when I heard the mornful cries of exhausted students."
SERVO: Do you know where I can find them? They probably need help.
MIKE: Servo, you're getting slow.
SERVO: Well, maybe if I had something more to work with...
> I started laughing at that. "If teaching dazed and confused
>med students is your idea of fun, I think we'll get along just fine.
>We certainly appriciate your help."
> "Yeah," Ian agreed. "Do you come here often? I have a feeling
>we will be needing a lot of help here."
> Again, he hesitated. "I'm not down here on a regular basis, and,
>when I am, it's usually at night. But, when I'm here,
CROW: ...I tend to overuse commas.
>I'll check this lab and help you if you're having another late
>session."
> "That would be great," said Deb. "Thanks."
> "You're very welcome. It's nice to be teaching again." And,
>with that, he left.
> That pretty much set the tone for the entire semester.
>Occasionally...well, make that constantly we were pulling late
>sessions. And often Dr. Ralph showed up to help us. Looking back,
>I feel really stupid that I did not realize the strangeness of it.
>He never showed up if another professor or group of students was
>there. We never heard anyone else mention him, and we were never
>able to find out much about him.
MIKE: Makes you wonder his credibility.
>All I can say in our defence is that Dr. Ralph is very good at
>deflecting questions, and, with all the work and stress piled on top
>of us, I was not up to noticing anything subtle.
> Toward the end of the semester, I had just gotten my exam grades
>from the next to last section and was trying to decide whether of
>not to go ahead and start on the head and neck that evening when I
>turned a corner and saw an old lady who looked rather confused.
CROW: Mike! Help! This is too boring and I can't make fun of it
any longer!
MIKE: There there, honey.
> "Excuse me, ma'am," I said. "Do you need some help?"
> "O, yes, my dear," she said. "I seem to have gotten myself
>lost. Could you tell me how to get out of here?"
> "I can do much better than that. I'm on my way out. I'll show
>you."
SERVO: You see, the best way out is to take a gun to your head, like
so, and pull the trigger.
> "Thank you, dear. This place is such a maze. I would have
>called to find out when to pick up my husband, but I couldn't find
>the phone number for this place."
> "Is your husband a teacher here?" I asked as I turned to show
>her the way out.
> "No," she said, a little embarassed. "My husband donated his
>body to the school. I just wanted to know when to pick up his
>ashes."
> You see, at our school, after we finish with the cadavers, we
>cremate them and send the ashes to the families.
MIKE: YOU'RE ALL SICK, SICK PEOPLE!
>Of course, you can understand how uncomfortable I felt then. How
>would you feel if you were talking to the widow of a cadaver in your
>gross lab? A cadaver that you just might be carving on.
CROW: That's why only psychos are allowed to enter med school; they
can stand dead bodies.
> "Well....uh....we all really appreciate what your husband did,"
>I said, trying to find a graceful way out of the situation.
SERVO: ...and failing miserably.
> "My husband loved teaching. He told me that since he could no
>longer teach anatomy, his body might as well be used to teach it."
MIKE: DR. RALPH IS A GHOST AND THAT'S HIS WIFE!
CROW AND SERVO: MIKE!
MIKE: What? It's so obvious!
CROW: Not to the people reading at home!
SERVO: For once we get a surprise ending and you ruin it for everyone!
CROW: You're just like that nerd who stood up during The Phantom
Menace and said "Qui-Gon dies!" I hate you!
MIKE: I'm sorry, guys...
SERVO: Shut up!
> "Your husband was an anatomy teacher, Mrs..."
> "Mrs. Usnach, dear. Oh, there's the front door. Thank you very
>much."
> I felt like I had been hit on the back of my head with a
>two-by-four. "Don't mention it." I said in a daze.
CROW: See? There's the surprise ending! You jerk!
MIKE: It was coming in three seconds anyway!
SERVO: I can't believe you!
CROW: Come on, Servo, let's leave.
['Bots exit]
MIKE: But, guys...
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL] The 'Bots are on the bridge.
CROW: This fanfic is too cruel.
SERVO: Yeah, it's not too good, but it isn't bad enough to be worthy
of MiSTing.
GYPSY: Guys, you've had stories of that quality for years now.
CROW: We have?
SERVO: Of course! "The New Season," "Total Turbulence," "The Seminar,"
"Inside the Void," "The Neelix Claus," that no-name story, "My Gift
to You,"...
CROW: Let's call Pearl and ask for a change!
SERVO: Yeah!
[VAN] Pearl is trying to light a cigarette with that little knob.
PEARL: What do you want?
[SOL]
SERVO: We were just wondering...
CROW: Could you, from now on, give us *worse* fanfics, please?
[VAN] Pearl looks at Cambot funny, looks at her cigarrette, then
throws it out the window.
PEARL: I knew I should cut down on these.
[SOL]
SERVO: No, we're serious.
[VAN] Pearl is in the back throwing out all her vodka bottles and
various needles.
PEARL: It's finally time to quit, Pearly-Girly.
[SOL]
CROW: I don't think she gets the message.
GYPSY: HEY, YOU! THE ONE WITH THE SECOND STOMACH! SEND US YOUR
CRAPPIEST, LOUSIEST, COW-PIE FANFICS!
[VAN]
PEARL: Okay, you asked for it...prepare for the worst! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
[SOL] Mike enters
MIKE: What have you done? Now we're in for some major deep hurting!
CROW: We couldn't take it any more, Mike!
MIKE: We're doomed!
[fade out, Mighty Science Theater]
written by: Jim Whaley
"Once A Teacher" writ
[VAN]
PEARL: Hey! Where do you think you're going? The story's not over
yet, guys!
[commercials]
MIKE and BOTS[over logo]: D'OH!
Jim the Ignorant (formerly Jim, that MiSTie)
#90212
http://members.aol.com/tjats/tjats.html
(re-re-launched Aug. 26 1999)