[MiSTing] "Don" [SF] 1/2
Gfan516
Disclaimer: Mystery Science Theater 3000, its related characters and
situations are trademarks
of and copyrighted by Best Brains, Inc. Use of copyrighted and trademarked
material is
for non-commercial entertainment/parody purposes only.
The story, "Don", is the property of Roland Warner.
This can be thought of as a different form of a review.
No infringement on any original copyrights or trademarks is intended or should
be inferred.
Any references to any character, song, actor, movie, etc. are the property of
their respected creators, distributors, etc. All rights reserved.
No personal insults to author, characters, or situations are or should be
implied.
Do not operate heavy machinery while using.
(Season 10 opening)
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...
(Bridge of the Satellite of Love. Tom Servo is positioned at the center of the
table.
Crow and Gypsy are on the right side of the table while Mike is on the left
side.
A newspaper is lying near Gypsy)
MIKE: Hi, everyone. Today we're playing the stock market. Tom's volunteered
to act as an old-
fashioned stock ticker.
TOM: Here comes some of today's stock prices
(A long strip of paper emerges from Tom's mouth).
(Mike grabs the paper and starts to read it)
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in fifteen seconds.
CROW: Hey, Gypsy, what were those markets you were talking about?
GYPSY: The bull market and the bear market?
CROW: Yeah.
GYPSY: The bear market is when the prices are falling or are expected to fall.
It is a term commonly used in securities markets and commodity markets.
It can also be applied to a person who expects stock prices to fall
and sells stock that he or she doesn't have for delivery at a future date.
When the future date arrives, the bear expects to buy in at a lower price
to deliver the stock that had been sold under the future contract at a higher
price.
CROW: Let me guess, the bull market got its name because most brokers who tell
you to invest then are full of bulls...
MIKE(warningly): Crow...
CROW: But it's true!
MIKE: Yeah, but we can't say it.
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in 5...4...3...2...1...commercial sign now.
(Yellow light and button flash)
MIKE: We'll be right back.
(Mike taps the yellow button)
(Planet Bumper)
(All are in the same positions. Gypsy is looking at the newspaper.
Mike is still looking at the strip of paper coming from Tom's mouth.
However, the part he is holding is sticking out of a huge pile that is in front
of Tom)
MIKE: Gypsy, what does PFE stand for?
GYPSY: Let me see. (Looks at the paper for a few seconds). It stands for
Pfizer.
MIKE: Crow, your Pfizer stock went down.
CROW: WHAT? How can the stock price for the company that makes Viagra go
down?
MIKE: Maybe now, you'll learn not to pick stocks based on your crude humor.
CROW: At least *I* didn't invest in the USA network. I mean, what possessed
you to invest in
the network that gave the world Atomic Dog? I'll give you one thing, though.
I never knew a stock price could go into negative numbers.
MIKE: That's enough, Crow.
(Paper stops coming from Tom's mouth. Tom turns his head toward Mike)
TOM: How did my Fruit of the Loom stocks do?
MIKE: I'll check (Turns to Gypsy). Gypsy, what's the symbol for Fruit of the
Loom?
GYPSY: FTLAQ.OB.
CROW: I can't believe that you bought underwear stocks.
TOM: Think about it this way, who doesn't wear underwear?
CROW: Well, everyone here except for Mike. I'd guess that most rednecks don't
either.
Besides, Fruit of the Loom isn't the only underwear company out there.
TOM: I'm way ahead of you. I bought stock in every single underwear company.
MIKE: Tom, your stocks are looking pretty steady. They went up and then went
back down.
TOM: Okay.
(Paper resumes coming from Tom's mouth)
CROW(To Gypsy): How did your stocks do?
GYPSY: I don't know. Mike, can you look for that symbol I told you earlier?
MIKE: Sure (Reads down the strip of paper. He stops and gets a look of
surprise on his face).
CROW: Let me see (Goes over to Mike. His jaw drops open).
MIKE: Gypsy, how much did you pay for these stocks?
GYPSY: About sixteen cents. Why?
MIKE: Let's put it this way: if you sell now, you'll be a multi-millionaire.
GYPSY: Wow! Too bad we were only pretending to buy stocks.
CROW: We were pretending?
GYPSY: Yeah.
CROW: Excuse me, I have to make a call (Runs off-screen).
MIKE: This won't end well. Anyway, we'd better clean up.
(He pulls the strip of paper out of Tom's mouth and then grabs the pile of
paper.
He gives the pile and the newspaper to Gypsy, who carries it off screen in her
mouth).
MIKE: Did you deactivate the stock program, Tom?
TOM: Yep (Ticker tape spews from Tom's mouth). Crud, I must have missed
something
(More paper comes from Tom's mouth).
(Crow returns)
TOM: So, how much trouble are you in? (More ticker tape comes from his mouth)
CROW: None. I forgot that I was acting as my own broker.
I owe myself about three thousand dollars, but I let myself off on a warning.
(Red light and button flash)
MIKE: Larry, Darryl, and Darryl are calling. (Taps the red button)
(Castle Forrester)
PEARL: Greetings Nelstone. Today's a bit of a slow day. Brain Guy went to a
party with Ortega
and that leaves me here with Bobo. He's getting the experiment right now.
It's a horrible little film called...
(Sound effect of a door being opened and slammed shut is heard. Three men
enter.
The first man is wearing a black suit and has greasy, slicked back hair. He
will be known as
J.P. Litigation. The second man, who will be known as Don Barton, has white
hair and wears
glasses. The third man, who will be known as Bill Rebane, has gray hair, a
mustache,
and his face is a bit worn, but isn't covered in wrinkles. He looks like a
man in his late middle age. He also looks suspiciously like a made-up Mike
Nelson).
PEARL: Who the heck are you guys?
JP: Allow me to introduce myself, I'm J.P. Litigation. I'm here with my two
clients,
Don Barton and Bill Rebane.
PEARL: Those names sound familiar...
JP: They should sound familiar. After all, you did use their movies without
permission.
I'm here to sue you for the unauthorized usage of The Blood Waters of Dr. Z and
The Giant Spider Invasion. Ray Dennis Steckler was going to sue you for your
use of
The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who...(pause) who...it doesn't matter!
All I know is that some old employee of his named Ortega talked him out of it.
DON: I will not stand idly while my masterpiece is being mistreated!
BILL: I just want money since you played one of my films.
PEARL: Hey, don't come crying to me about your movies. I get them from a
company called
Best Brains.
JP: We are all quite aware of your little company, Mrs. Forrester.
The fact of the matter is that you're still responsible for using the movies
without permission and then sending them out to be broadcast on television.
PEARL: Why should this matter anyway?! I'm evil! Why should I do anything
that's legal?
JP: Ooh, I wish I had a police officer here. That would make great evidence.
PEARL: It's my word against yours.
JP: Let's see, would the court sympathize with two men who weren't paid for
the showings
of their movies or will the court side with a person who has made it clear
that they want to rule the world?
(Bobo enters carrying a box marked "New Experiments")
JP: There won't be any experiments until Mrs. Forrester can prove that their
owners
have been properly compensated
(He grabs the box and takes it away from Bobo. Bobo gasps).
(Back to SOL. Everyone's wearing party hats and balloons fall from the
ceiling)
ALL: WOO-HOO!
CROW: This makes me want to take back every bad thing I said about those
movies.
(Back to Castle Forrester)
JP: Don't get too happy. You all are just as guilty as she is.
(Back to SOL. The party hats and balloons are now gone)
MIKE: How?
(Back to Castle Forrester)
JP: You're the reason she sent up those movies in the first place.
(Back to SOL)
MIKE: B...but her son sent me up here without permission. I didn't ask to do
this.
TOM: Yeah! None of us wanted to do this! It's not our fault! Wait a minute,
I didn't spew
paper this time. YES!
CROW: I'd like to add that BOTH OF THOSE FILMS BLEW! The Giant Spider
Invasion was one of the
most repulsive films that I've ever seen and The Blood Waters of Dr. Z sucked
more than a
warehouse full of vacuums.
TOM: CROW!
MIKE(whispering to Crow): Do you want us to get sued?
(Back to Castle Forrester)
(Bill Rebane doesn't seem to care very much. Don Barton is twitching a little)
DON: I am *SICK* of people dumping on my movie!
(Don pulls out a small metallic device that looks like a beeper and pressed a
button on it).
DON: Soon my army of devoted fans will come and teach all of you a lesson!
(Back to SOL)
(All struggle to not laugh)
TOM: Will Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster be showing up too?
CROW: Hey, there are several cases in which reliable witnesses photographed
those
creatures and didn't have any reason to fake the photographs.
(Back to Castle Forrester)
DON: Wait and see...
PEARL(ignoring her "guests"): Good thing that I always keep an extra
experiment in case of
emergencies. Looks like you'll have something to watch after all.
(Pearl goes off camera and returns with a small hammer and a wooden box with a
glass cover.
She holds the box up to the camera. The cover has the words: "In Case Of Lack
of Experiments,
Break Glass" written on it. She uses a hammer to break the glass, plucks a
sheet of paper from
the box, and hands it to Bobo)
PEARL: Send this up, Bobo.
BOBO: Right away, Lawgiver!(Bobo heads toward a machine)
(Don, Bill, and J.P. get ready to say something)
PEARL: I *did* get permission for this one
(Pearl takes out a crumpled note from the box and hands it to the them).
JP(Looks at note): You've managed to get out of that one, Ms. Forrester, but
you will pay for
what you've done to these film makers.
PEARL: Anyway, today's experiment is a pointless short story about a werewolf
and a little girl by an old "friend" of yours.
(Back to SOL)
CROW: Stephen Ratliff?
TOM: Dr. Thinker?
MIKE: The guy who wrote The Eye of Argon?
(Back to castle)
PEARL: No, no, and no.
(Back to SOL)
MIKE: Thank heavens for small favors...
(Back to castle)
PEARL: Don't get too relaxed, Smelson. It's a Roland Warner story!
(Back to SOL. Alarms and flashing lights)
ALL: WE'VE GOT FICTION SIGN!!!!!
7...6...5...4...3...2...1...
>Don
MIKE: ...Johnson.
CROW: ...Knotts.
TOM: ...King.
>By Roland Warner
CROW: The disowned Warner sibling.
TOM: Considering how he's the one who wrote Hostage and Dino Wars, I can't
blame Yakko, Wakko,
and Dot for disowning him.
> The wolf tracked his scent with the most caution.
MIKE: Unfortunately for the wolf, tracking his own scent resulted in him
walking in circles
for five hours.
>His prey was a small girl.
CROW: Please let it be a young Marrissa...please let it be a young Marrissa...
>The little girl had wandered off, alone and in the middle of the woods.
>Something in the back of his mind told him not to,
TOM: Something called his conscience.
>but he did as he usually did and ignored it.
>The little girl looked around and the wolf lunged forward.
>At about five inches from the girl, the wolf was knocked aside by an unknown
animal.
CROW: If some animal prevented the death of Marrissa, I'm going to scream.
> He turned around and saw another wolf, right now,
MIKE: Why is he saying "right now" if he was writing in the past tense?
>the second wolf will be known as Don.
TOM: ..."the Dragon" Wilson
>This
CROW: ...little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home...
>one was a little larger and a lighter brown colored fur coat.
MIKE(holds up the word "had"): I think the author dropped this.
>The wolf #1
TOM...is a valuable graphic novel that can fetch a price of five thousand
dollars or more.
>looked at the little girl. She had run off deeper into the woods,
CROW: Trying to escape this story.
>the perfect prey and it had run away.
> Don dug it's teeth deep in the wolf's skin, causing a deep gash to
form.
TOM: "It's"? I think that it's safe to assume that Don is a guy. Seriously,
whoever heard of a girl named "Don"?
>The wolf jumped for Don, but was sideswiped by Don's paw.
ALL: HI-KEEBA!
>The wolf ran away, knowing that it had been defeated.
To be continued...