[NEW] MiSTing: "The Beast with Nine Bands" [Hulk] [PG] [4/4]

[MBlackw415]

>* * *
>

Tom: Asterisks!
Mike: They're heading off to Gaul with the other Vikings!

>Moments later, the Hulk rose to his feet and stomped over
>to the van.
>
>"Dr. Banner?" Sin gasped as he strode into view.
>

Crow: No! It's... it's... Henry Kissinger!

>"No," said the Hulk with a sly grin. "Better." He climbed
>inside, stopping to stare at the elaborate weaponry that
>Quatermain wore. "What're *you* supposed to be - - a
>Transformer?"
>

Tom: Why not? They teamed up with Spiderman, why not the
Hulk too?

>Quartermain sneered at him in silence.
>
>Sheriff Sowell stepped up and cleared his throat. "Do you
>remember anything about what Banner and I discussed?"
>

Mike: [Hulk] I remember...the Alamo.
[Cheers from unseen people erupt in the theater.]
Mike: When all else fails, go for the regional riff, guys.

>The Hulk glared at him for a moment. "I'm not an idiot,
>Quickdraw McGraw - - not anymore, at least. Talkin' to that
>four-eyed pantywaist Banner is as good as talkin' to me."

Crow: [Hulk] Except his diction's a bit better.

>He pointed a thick finger at Sowell. "Far as I'm concerned,
>you and your little slice of heaven can go twist in the
>wind for all I care." His lips curled back in a snarl. "But
>I want a piece of Mr. Nine-bands - he made me look stupid
>last night. *Nobody* makes me look stupid."

Crow: [Hulk] Except for that Urkel guy. Damn him!

> He glanced at
>Sin. "You want it dead or alive, little lady?"
>
>"Alive, preferably," she said.
>

Tom: So spin it right round, Hulkie, right round.

>The Hulk grinned. "No promises." He turned to Jones "Move
>it out, Jones - I got some payback to dole out."
>

Tom: Just an observation, but, why does this guy talk like a
blaxploitation-movie character?
Mike: He must be channeling Luke Cage.

>Jones threw the van into gear.
>
>
>Two miles from Willot Creek, and five from the Harris
>ranch, they found the monster's burrow. The van's
>headlights illuminated the gargantuan mound of earth the
>armadillo had excavated.
>

Tom: [Dale] Wow! It looks like a big mound of dirt!

>"He won't be there," said Sin. "He's foraging now."
>

Mike: Just head over to We B Foraging! He's probably there.

>"Still, I want to take a look," said Quartermain.
>
>The Sheriff, with a grim expression on his face, joined
>him. They pointed their flashlights into the maw of the
>cave.
>

Crow: Inside, some people looked at the shadows the
flashlights made on the wall and wondered what was
real?

>"A lot of this is freshly dug," said the Sheriff.
>
>"Activating targeting system," Quartermain muttered. He
>looked to Sowell. "Sorry, what were you saying?"
>
>"Do you have to tote that SLIME thing around?"
>

Crow: [Quartermain] Yeah. The folks at Nickelodeon won't
keep it for me anymore.

>"I don't think your hunting rifle will stop it."
>

Mike: Guys? Please stop talking about the size of your
weapons, okay?

>"You're probably - what the heck?"
>
>Sowell stared at the van, which had sprouted a mechanical
>arm bearing a spotlight. The universal joint swiveled,
>pointing behind the van. The Hulk opened the door, and
>stepped out, followed by Jones and Dale. The young man
>carried a weapon that looked like the king of the bazookas,
>while the deputy carried an M-16.

Tom: It's lunchtime at NRA HQ.

>Pointing an oversized thumb at Sin, the Hulk said,"
>Sweetcakes says our buddy's heading here, and he's grew
>some . . . so to speak. We're talking school bus size,
>now."
>
>Sowell said, "How big will this thing get?"
>

Crow: Well, he'll just keep growing until his heart fails,
I guess....

>The beam picked out the beige monster, off in the distance.
>
>The Hulk turned to Rick. "Jones, put that thing away before
>you hurt yourself. Go and run things from the van. The rest
>of you," he said, pointing to Quartermain and Sowell, "Stay
>put and outta my way." Then, with a tremendous leap, he
>flew toward the monster.
>

Crow: So the Hulk is going to fight a giant armadillo?
Mike: Actually, Crow, it's a Nine Banded Armadillo. Giant
Armadillos only live in South America. The Nine
banded Armadillos are found as far north as
Kansas.
[Silence]
Tom: Mike, you're scaring us.

>
>The Hulk landed in front of the startled creature and said,
>"Okay, roadkill, your shell is mine!"
>
>The creature stared stupidly at the Hulk, its beady eyes
>blank with incomprehension.
>

Mike: Pauly Shore in a role that won't surprise you.

>The Hulk stared into the armadillo's vacuous eyes and
>realized that he was facing off against one of the
>stupidest creatures on earth.
>

Tom: Doug Herzog.

>Just like that butt-ugly, green-skinned baboon I used to
>be, he thought. Stupid and docile. Not a clue in his head.

Mike: Well, I wouldn't call him docile per se....

>Well those days are long gone.
>
>The Hulk cocked his fist back.
>

Crow: The Hulk, for Cold Cock Malt Liquor.

>
>"Target in range," Quartermain whispered. The armadillo -
>sent flying by the force of the Hulk's punch - was
>projected in the crosshairs on the helmet display. The
>SLIME beeped with the acquisition of its target.
>

Mike: Then it beeped again. And again. And again. Then
Quartermain realized that his blasted cell phone.

>Quartermain was so engrossed with the weapon system that he
>failed to notice the sheriff and deputy aiming their own
>weapons.
>
>"FIRE!" yelled Quartermain as he launched a wire-guided
>SLAMM. Unfortunately,

Crow: He was in a crowded theater.

> the lawmen interpreted this as an
>order, and opened fire. A bullet cut the wire, and
>Quartermain's face turned white as his helmet screen went
>black.
>

Mike: So, did he yell until his face was blue?
Crow: I bet the lawmen's faces were red after that.
Tom: They probably just slinked away like the yellow
bellied cowards that they were.

>The missile was now "dumb," out of control, and flying
>toward the unsuspecting Hulk, who was running after the
>armadillo.
>

Mike: Chasing Armadillos. The new film from Kevin Smith.

>A fireball briefly lit up the darkened prairie, for an
>instant framing the Hulk and his foe. Its roar was almost
>matched by a yell of indignant surprise from the Hulk. The
>armadillo gave an undignified squawk and jump straight up
>and landed on the Hulk.
>

Crow: Wile E. Coyote must be calling his lawyers right about
now.

>"Quatermain, you jerk!" the Hulk Bellowed. "You are so
>dead!"
>
>

Tom: Looks like Quartermain's going to get one heck of a
wedgie...

>Jones covered his face with his hands. That idiot
>Quartermain *had* to mess things up.
>

Mike: [Jones] He's even worse than that Clouseau guy
we teamed up with in France!

>"Ah, " said Sin, tapping the screen. "This is what I talked
>about. Forty-two has jumped up and is fleeing the
>vicinity."
>

Tom: [Sowell] All right Dale. I guess we better deploy those
anti-Armadillo mines that we've got in the car.

>"And the Hulk's jumping here," said Jones bleakly. The gray
>behemoth was headed in the opposite direction . . . toward
>the van.
>

Crow: Boy, buying that armadillo-shaped van doesn't look
quite so smart now, does it?

>"I'm linking the spotlight to the triangulating sensors,"
>Sin said. "That way, we can follow its trajectory without -
>"
>
>The van rocked violently as the Hulk touched down.
>

Mike: So don't come a'knockin'.

>"Now, Hulk, before you do anything rash . . . " Jones heard
>Quartermain say.
>
>"Quartermain," said the Hulk with quiet authority, "come
>here."
>

Crow: The Hulk *is* Alexander Graham Bell.

>"It's not my fault. They were shooting and the wire -"
>
>"Oh great," said Dale. "Blame us!"
>

Tom : Well, you *did* shoot the guidewire.

>Jones shuddered as he heard the sounds of rending metal,
>followed by a stifled gurgle.
>

Crow: [Hulk] Man, killing a person is such a great way to
get rid of stress....

>The Hulk opened the van door. Sin and Jones could see the
>shaken sheriff behind him.
>
>"Where did it go?" the Hulk asked.
>

Tom: [Sin] Look! Ticket stubs!
Mike: [Hulk] That armadillo's seen _Rent_ at least a dozen
times!
Crow: [Sowell] Quickly! To the theater district!

>"He's running that way," said Sin, pointing northward. "We
>have the light on it -"
>
>The Hulk leapt in the direction Sin pointed.
>
>The two lawmen, quietly snickering, helped the fugitive
>S.H.I.E.L.D. agent into the van.
>
>In a strangled voice, Quatermain said, "Rick, there's a
>hacksaw in the toolbox."
>

Tom: And a plain old hack writing the story.

>Jones stood up and shook his head. "Why couldn't you just
>let him handle that thing?"
>

Crow: [Quartermain, strangled] Someone has to be the
comic relief!

>Sin had to giggle despite Quartermain's murderous glare.
>The Hulk had taken the missile launching tube and wrapped
>it in a bow around Quartermain's neck.
>

Mike: Why am I reminded of Omar Sharif in _Top Secret_?

>It took the Hulk four leaps to catch up to the armadillo.
>For something that big, he thought, it sure makes good
>time.

Tom: It must be one of those nitro-burning funny armadillos.

> He overtook the armadillo on the fifth leap, landing
>directly in its path.
>

Crow: So it ran over him.

>The Hulk braced himself for the impact of the creature
>bearing down on him. The armadillo's paws flailed about as
>it skidded to an abrupt halt, stopping no more than two
>feet from the Hulk. Panting, the armadillo stood trembling
>on uneasy feet.
>

Mike: Don't be nervous! Just ask him out already!

>"Had enough?" the Hulk said with a sneer.
>

Tom: [slurred] One more for the road, please.
Mike: Armadillos don't actually talk, Tom. They
kind of bleat.
Tom: Fine, Mike. [Slurred] Bleat, bleat, bleat, bleat.

>Number Forty-two gasped once for breath, then collapsed.
>After a few moments, its quivers stopped and the creature
>stiffened.
>

Crow: Oh, great. And this thing was the answer to Life, the
Universe and Everything, too.

>The Hulk lifted the dead armadillo onto his shoulder and
>carried it back to the van. Everyone was waiting for him.
>
>"I didn't touch it," the Hulk said defensively. "I just
>chased it and it dropped dead."

Mike: [Hulk] And the LAPD were the ones who left that
white glove! I swear!

> He dumped the limp creature
>on the ground to prove his point.
>
>"I suppose it grew too big for its heart," said Sin.

Tom: Nice call, Crow.
Crow: Hey, I'm not just a pretty face, you know.

> "I'll
>have to do an autopsy."
>
>Sheriff Sowell said, "Dale will get the flatbed to take it
>to the meat freezer in town."

Mike: [Sowell] We're gonna sell it ta McDonalds.

> He turned to the trio of
>adventurers. "Gentlemen, thank you for your help."
>

Crow: The Hanson boys thanked Sowell, and returned to the
tour bus.

>"You're welcome," croaked Quartermain. It was apparent that
>the missile-launcher "necklace" given to him by the Hulk
>had irritated his throat.

Mike: Ricola?

> Swallowing in obvious pain, the
>ex-agent glared at the gray behemoth.
>
>The Hulk smiled innocently.
>

Tom: [Hulk] Heh, heh. I'm such a scamp.

>
>Jones was relieved to get back on the road again.
>

Tom: In fact, he wrote a little song about it. Ahem.
o/~ On the road again. He just can't wait to
get... o/~
Crow: Mike?
Mike: Tom, sing one more song, and in the next catalog,
there's going to be a very special Tom Servo
replica for sale.
Tom: Shutting up now.

>"Hey Bruce," he asked, "what did Dr. Sin give you?"
>

Crow: [Banner] Looks like a copy of the Watchtower.

>Banner held up the photocopied page with a highlighted
>paragraph. "Before I became the Hulk, I gave a speech at
>the doctor's school. This is from the school paper - a
>remark I'd made that I'd forgotten since then:

Mike: [Banner] "Folks, there is nothing sexier than a
scientist wearing hot pants. Mark my words."

> 'While the
>results of scientific discoveries may cause fear, ignorance
>is the far greater menace.' "
>

Crow: [Banner] Then I added that fruit bats were an even
greater menace than ignorance. What the hell was I
on that day?

>"Not that gamma bombs are any slouch," Quartermain said
>hoarsely.
>
>Banner skimmed the contents of a handwritten note," She's
>already dissecting it. She says here that she has some
>wonderful theories about what happened. . . "
>
>

Crow: Moments later, Fox Mulder booked a flight to
Depinthehata.
Mike: [Mulder] These giant Armadillos have to be aliens!
Tom: [Scully, whining] Mulder....

>Quartermain desperately wanted to forget this embarrassing
>fiasco.

Tom: He's not the only one, either.

> The sooner they got to Kansas . . .
>

Mike: ... the sooner they'd be surrounded by vast fields of
wheat. Wheat. Everywhere you look. Acres and acres of
wheat all around you. Closing in on you. . .
Crow: Mike?
Mike: Sorry. I was having flashbacks.

>Then he saw the billboard, advertising the newest product
>line from Texican Beverages: Armadillo Apple Juice
>Cocktails.

Crow: Wow! The Texican Beverage Marketing Department works
really fast!

> A billboard, complete with a monstrous cartoon
>armadillo, grinning idiotically.
>
>Quartermain floored the accelerator.
>
>

Mike: [Stretching] O-o-o-kay....
Crow: So what was the point of this little episode again?
Tom: I don't know. I guess it was just a little vignette
from the wild experiences of Team Hulk on their cross-
country search for the elusive Gamma Bombs.
Mike: Yeah. That was a plot point that didn't really grab me
either....
Tom: Let's get outta here, huh?
Crow: Yeah.... [They leave.]

[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .]

[SoL]
[Mike and Tom stand behind the console.]
Mike: Well, we survived another one.
Tom: Yep. And only Crow and I got mauled, for once.
Mike: Yeah, I lucked out on this one.
[The light for Castle Forrester begins to flash.]
Mike: Look like I spoke too soon.
[He hits the light.]

[Castle Forrester]
[Observer and Pearl stand alone with a glum look on
their faces.]
Pearl: Well Mike, that's it. We're out of material for you.
That's the end of the experiments. I'm going to lose
my standing in the Mad Scientist's Association. Now,
I'll have to go back to Law School. [She shivers.]
Observer: No, Pearl! You mustn't give into the even darker
side!
Pearl: I'm sorry, Brain Guy. I'm already scheduled to take
my LSATs.

[SoL]
Mike: So, with no more experiments, I suspect that you'll
be letting me go then?

[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: No, I'm afraid that I'll have to kill you now.
[She wanders over to a large red switch marked "Destroy".]
Pearl: No hard feelings, okay Mike?
[Bobo rushes in, clutching a piece of paper.]
Bobo: Lawgiver! Lawgiver! Look what I found on
alt.fan.rugrats!
[Pearl takes the paper and begins to read it.]
Pearl: "Duggie's Down the River." [Excitedly] A crossover
between Rugrats and Deliverance! The drought is over!
Observer: The experiments can continue!
Bobo: We're saved!
Pearl: Yep. [Grinning evilly] And Mike and his little
friends are doomed. Until next time, Mike.
[The transmission ends.]

[SoL]
Mike: Rugrats?
Tom: Deliverance?
Mike: Well, that does it. I need a drink. Do you want one,
Tom?
Tom: Sure.
[Mike hands Tom a bottle, then he takes a drink.]
Mike: Ah. Jackrabbit Jalepeno. A refreshing new flavor from
the Texican Beverage company.
[Mike's face suddenly looks pinched.]
Mike: [Muffled] Excoof me.
[He darts below the counter where retching noises are soon heard.
Tom looks skeptically at his bottle. Mike reappears moments
later, looking rather pale.]
Mike: [Weakly] Yummy, yummy good.
Tom: Mike, I think I'll pass on that drink.
Mike: [aside] Good idea. [normal] Well, this next story
just might be the end of civilization as we know it,
right Crow? [looking around] Crow?
[Crow enters, stage right.]
Crow: Yes?
Mike: Where'd you go?
Crow: Oh, I had to check Usenet for a second.
Tom: Your timing's really lousy, Crow. Pearl has this
horrible piece of fanfiction that she's going to show
us...
Crow: "Duggie's Down the River"?
Mike: [Stunned] Yeah. How'd you know?
Crow: Oh. I wrote it.
[Tom and Mike stare at Crow, jaws agape.]
Tom: ARE YOU INSANE?
Crow: Oh, please. Guys, what could be easier than riffing a
piece of fiction designed to be riffed? Besides, if
Pearl couldn't find any more fan-fic, she might start
showing us student films.
[Mike and Tom visibly shiver.]
Crow: Besides, we got away with it today.
Mike: What?
Tom: You, you're James A. Wolf?
Crow: You said it yourself, Tom. It's a pseudonym. We were
riffing me the entire time!
Mike: [Chuckling] Well, little friend, I think that your
plan just might work.
[The trio begins to laugh, and the image freezes, 70s TV
show-style. The credits begin to roll as Mighty Science
Theater plays.]

"The Beast with Nine Bands"
Original story by Crow T. Ro.. er, James A. Wolf
Misted by
Matt Blackwell, editor <mbla...@ix.netcom.com>
Jacob Churosh <JakeT...@aol.com>
Michael "Rottweiller" Wallen <craz...@cnnw.net>

With additional riffs by James A. Wolf

Funding for this misting is provided by the Texican Beverage
Corporation, providing you with all of your favorite beverages,
like Kiowa Kiwi, Santa Anna Bannana and Trinity Tobasco. Texican!
Drinks with a taste as big as Texas!

The Hulk, Marvel Comics and all related characters and situations
are trademarks of and copyright of Marvel Characters Inc. All
rights reserved.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and
situations are trademarks of and copyright of Best Brains, Inc.
All rights reserved.

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non-commercial
parody, review, and commentary purposes only; no infringement
on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains,
Inc., Paramount Pictures Corporation, Marvel Characters Inc. or
anyone else, is intended or should be inferred.

No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s)
are or should be implied. All characters in this work are
fictional , and any resemblance to actual people, living or dead,
is purely coincidental.

Need to find a misting? Any misting? Well, head on down to
the Misting archive at Web Site #9 then. It's conveniently
located just off the information superhighway over there at:
http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k/mistings.shtml
Ask for Mike! He's friendly!
And for more super-related mistings, head over to:
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Just remember: They're graphic novels.

[The trio resumes moving.]
Mike: Well, that was goofy.
Tom: The author must have been watching "Police Squad"
again.
Crow: There's one thing bothering me though.
Mike: What's that?
Crow: Well, I don't remember ever resolving that subplot
with the polar bears.
Tom: Me neither.
[They stare at each other for a moment.]
All: Uh-oh.
[Suddenly, a large crash can be heard off-screen.]
Gypsy: [O.S.] Look out! They're on a rampage, mate!
[The trio turn toward the screen, as the sounds of rampaging
bears come ever closer.]
All: AIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[The screen contracts with a ...]

\ | /
\ | /
--- * --- PWOOOOSH!
/ | \
/ | \

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Keep circulating the posts.

Twaaaaang.

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>"ARMADILLO!" Quartermain yelled, pointing ahead.
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