MSTing "Name of the Game" Pt 5 of 8
Brendan Herlihy
OPEN ON: <SOL Bridge>, darkened. Close-up of Pearl's face
PEARL: Who ya gonna call?
PULL BACK: Pearl is in a Ghostbuster's outfit, complete with gun.
PEARL (diabolically): It ain't Dial-A-Mattress, Ziggy!
Pearl fires a beam of electrical discharge towards the camera. A ship's
battle alert siren goes off.
MADGE (yawning): Mm, nice nap. Hi Pearl! Trying to kill me, huh?
PEARL: No, it's a flossing alternative. Open wide!
Pearl shoots the gun at another part of the ship.
MADGE: Ooh, tell me. Are you the lame, stupid ones from "Ghostbusters 2",
the lame, stupid ones from "The Real Ghostbusters", or the lame, stupid ones
from "Extreme Ghostbusters"?
PEARL: These are the high-power plasma bolts you forged in life!
Pearl whirls and fires at another part of the ship. An urgent buzzer starts
playing beneath the siren. Gypsy pops up, in a panic.
GYPSY: Pearl! You're breaching our hull integrity!
PEARL: I got your hull integrity right here, pal!
MADGE: That doesn't even mean anything!
PEARL: Nah, but it sure sounds cocky, don't it?
Pearl pushes Gypsy back down, and fires again, laughing.
MADGE (as battle computer): Warning! Hull breach imminent. Oxygen levels
depleting. Pearl is a wussy-pussy babypants.
PEARL: Enjoy a freshly made flame-broiled Whopper with extra mayo, pickles
and a side of OBLIVION!
Pearl fires one last blast to the right. An explosion- the hull is
breached. The outrushing air pulls debris violently off the screen, and
Pearl with it. She grabs desperately onto the desk.
CUT TO: Head-on view Pearl, hanging onto the desk, pulled horizontal due to
the breech behind her, beyond which lies the cold void of space. Frantic,
Pearl glances to the desk and sees...
INSERT: Console on the desk. A big red button labeled SELF-DESTRUCT.
PEARL (vengefully): Magic Voice! I'll see you in HEEEEEEELLLLLLLL!!!
INSERT: Pearl lets go of her grip to press the button.
ANGLE ON: Breach, as Pearl is pulled out. Her screaming form fades into the
vastness of space.
EXTERIOR OF SOL. After a beat, it EXPLODES.
CUT TO: HEXFIELD VIEWSCREEN, where we see the explosion of the SOL. Pull
back to the Bridge. Gypsy and Pearl are watching the image.
GYPSY: See? That's what's in store if you two don't quit fighting.
MADGE: Your point being?
PEARL: I am NOT that fat.
Buzzer sounds, lights flash.
GYPSY: Fiction sign! Quit fighting or no "Felicity" for a month!
PEARL: I am NOT that fat! Look at me!
MADGE: Oh, quit whining, babypants.
| 6 |... ( 5 )... [ 4 ]... > 3 <... = 2 =... / * \
Gypsy and Pearl file back into the theater.
PEARL: Yeah, well, I've got my eye on you, girlfriend.
MADGE: Same likewise, swinefodder.
>
> --------
MADGE: Quadruplets sleeping!
PEARL: Stop it.
>
>She was bored.
PEARL: She's not alone!
>Sitting in the same wooden chair for a half hour -- which
>was supposed to be only a few minutes -
GYPSY: You couldn't walk away to watch an Outback Steakhouse commercial in a
few minutes!
MADGE (Alexa): C'mon, ram that lamb down your throat! Eat like a python!
Move, you!
>had worn down her patience and she
>was on the verge of just walking out, trouble or no. They couldn't hold
>her, could they?
GYPSY: Not Alexa. No man could. She was wild- wild like the untamed suburb
of Camden she called home.
>Not without charging her, she didn't think. During that
>half hour, she had time to ponder,
PEARL (sings): I punder, as I ponder... ugh. Never mind.
>and think about how it was she had come
>to be sitting in a police station, waiting to be questioned, and the
>imposition began to wear on her better nature.
GYPSY: Oo, it's getting so blindly impersonating your evil twin is just one
big headache after another!
>But she couldn't just walk
>out -- not without the dogs.
MADGE: Disney remakes "Not Without My Daughter".
PEARL: With Don Ameche as the voice of Scout!
>She wasn't certain when or why it started happening, but like a glass
>of wine Alexa felt a rush in her head at the day's events, and she
>slid further into Amelia,
ALL (Pearl holds hands up): Whoa-ho! Stop! Hold the phone!
GYPSY: I knew the "Ellen" reunion was gonna be trouble.
>beginning to feel reckless, safe in her disguise,
MADGE (Alexa): Hah-hah, I'm the evil twin now! I'm gonna get Alexa in so
much troub- oh.
> and as she did her thoughts continued back to Detective Logan -- or,
> as she began to think of him, Detective Mike.
PEARL: Didn't he host a kiddy show in the 50's?
>Her instant dislike had actually been something else, only she'd been
>acting at the time and hadn't let herself realize it. Something about
>his bullying, macho attitude she found humorous, yet appealing,
GYPSY (sadly): If Gloria Steinem were dead, she'd be rolling in her grave.
PEARL (sadly): Tell me about it.
> and his round eyes, with a hint of strong line
>under them, made her feel giddy. And in her giddiness, she turned to a
>nearby desk cop and asked where the big lunch was being held.
MADGE: OK. So, Kit's editor tells her something like, "The story isn't
repetitive enough, so go back and write the same scene two, maybe three
times, and adjust your style to that of a helpless fluffy schoolgirl with a
crush on her gym teacher."
GYPSY: Uh... kinda.
>Without even
>looking up he said "the Cafeteria, third floor," so she took her purse
>and left the room. Finding the place wasn't hard -
PEARL: Seeing as how she was told where it was and all.
>she followed food odors, and strolled into the cafeteria like she
>belonged there, cool and confident as Amelia.
GYPSY (Alexa): Confit of duck, please. With Jerusalem artichokes and the
roasted vegetable melange.
PEARL (cook): Duuuuuuh... we'se got chili, chips, and Bud Light.
>She did not tell this to Ben, though.
GYPSY: But didn't she just...?
PEARL: Oh, man. I'm so confused.
MADGE: You can present multiple viewpoints in a story, but all by the same
character?
>There was too much risk. But a lot
>had happened over one lunch time, and she remembered it clearly, though
>as in a dream.
PEARL: As if Patrick Duffy had suddenly decided he'd return to "Dallas"
after his character was killed.
>Immediately, Logan had left the table and in a few strides was standing
>next to her, taking her wrist and leaning over close to her ear.
>"You're not supposed to be here."
MADGE: Now she breaks out into a rousing chorus of "Voices Carry".
>She frowned. "I got bored. A girl has to have something to do," she
>told him, pouting like Amelia did.
GYPSY: Yeah, rich self-confident women debase themselves like this all the
time.
PEARL: Leona Helmsley built a vast real estate empire on hissy fits.
>
>She loved the fact that she practically made him grind his teeth in
>annoyance. "Fine. So stay. We're almost done. But don't say a word."
GYPSY (Alexa): Rimpidex! There, that's not a word!
>
>Alexa had laid a finger over her lips, a long, manicured, pink nail,
GYPSY: Driven by a pearl-handled feminine claw hammer.
>thanks to a few months' of Amelia's attentions. "You won't even know
>I'm there, Detective Mike," she'd whispered back, and for a moment he
>looked bemused, like a spell had been blown in his face.
MADGE (Logan): Her lips say yes, her nails say yes... one word from her
tongue and mom's off to Motel 6!
>His grip on her wrist slackened,
>and they took their seats at the table. Just as she was about to fully
>sit, her skirt pulled up to reveal the tops of her garters,
All giggle.
>and she smoothed it back over, knowing only one person had seen that.
MADGE: I am woman, hear me whore!
>It had been accidental,
>in a way, and she nearly blushed at it -- and the silliness of it; it
>felt like she was in a cheap porno movie for a second -
PEARL: If this were a porn flick, it've been over two hours ago!
>then at the pleasure
>she got from knowing he'd seen it.
GYPSY: Finally! I'm in command of being used and exploited!
>What was she trying to accomplish? She had no idea.
MADGE: That makes two of us!
>Perhaps this was her own way of bullying back the bully from earlier.
GYPSY: So her mother taught her bullies only back down if you put out?
PEARL (Alexa): Stop teasing me or I'll twirl my blouse over my head!
>But quite suddenly, because she could remember his breath in her
>ear, it became more than that.
>
>Ben heard only the bones of this.
MADGE (Stone): So you're in your leathers, Logan's tied to the bed...
>During the wrap up of the meal, she began to steal glimpses of Logan
>from the side of her vision, and once or twice caught him doing the
>same thing. When their eyes met, both quickly looked away.
MADGE (Goofy): D'oh, gorsh!
PEARL (Goofy): Womens is purdy- huh-hyuk! Huh-hyuk!
>A thrill ran up her spine,
>and she grew bolder, finally taking part in the table debate, and
> making her own valid points.
GYPSY (Alexa): Deport'em all if they can't speak English! They're not
citizens!
>Showing off, certainly. Getting a rise out of her seat partner?
All clear throats.
>She was hoping so. It was gloriously fun.
PEARL (Alexa): I'm so naughty! He must spank me! Firmly first- then
harder! Faster!
>
>After an hour or so, however, Alexa began to feel anxious about getting
>back before Amelia, who occasionally came home early only to leave
>again later in the evening. She didn't want to have to explain why she
>had been out with the dogs, and dressed in Amelia's outfits.
MADGE: Alexa has a lot in common WITH THE AUTHOR!
>So as everyone else was beginning to pull away, Alexa stood and walked
>around the table to shake Ben Stone's hand. "Thanks for the lunch," she
>told him. "And the conversation."
>
>Ben had shrugged. "You held your own. Wouldn't want to go up against
>you in court."
>
>She had smiled.
PEARL (Alexa): You can go up against me any... (breaks character) This is
getting pretty tiresome, actually.
>"Hopefully, you won't have to."
>
>Logan, hearing everything, had reached her just as she told him that,
>and brusquely pulled her back. "I think we have to go."
>
>She backed into him for a second, caught off balance, and for a moment
>she felt him across her back, felt how sturdy he was, warm and solid,
MADGE: -his burgeoning manhood filling her soul with... oh, I just can't
anymore.
PEARL: This fanfic takes wholesome family sexual innuendo, and just perverts
it into something dirty!
>and she knew she'd done what she'd been trying to do all afternoon.
>They hadn't said a civil word to one another in their lives, yet they'd
>managed to turn each other on.
GYPSY: Oh did I? Sorry! I didn't MEAN to!
>Without backing away she half turned and their noses nearly touched.
PEARL: Eskimo porn, ahoy!
>"Am I free to go, then?" she asked softly. "I thought I was still
>in custody."
MADGE (Logan, startled): Dah, no! You're... here to sign my yearbook!
>
>Catching himself, Logan took a step back. "You never were in custody."
>
>She raised an eyebrow, another gift from Amelia.
GYPSY (Alexa): The doctor said I needed a kidney, but...
>"Our little talk, I'm afraid, will have to wait.
PEARL (TV announcer): Optional Police! In Color!
> I still need to get my dogs and get home.
>Detective Mike, will you see me out?"
ALL: Yes! Oh yes! Show her out show her out show her out!
PEARL: And call for the SWAT team in case you screw it up!
>"Dogs?" asked Claire, still sitting at the table. "You have dogs in
> your office?"
MADGE (Logan): Don't be ridiculous. They're in the holding cell!
>
>"Don't ask," Logan told her. "Long story."
>
> --------
>
GYPSY: And that made it eight dashes longer!
PEARL: Yeah, if it weren't for the dividers I bet we'd be finished already.
>She only recalled to Ben what he had obviously seen for himself. "And
>then, as he walked me out to the cell where the dogs were being held,
MADGE (Alexa): We found the dogs' lawyer had already posted bail.
PEARL: They were halfway to Mexico before we could even call the Feds.
>we stopped for a minute in the hallway, and he asked me what I did in
>the evenings. I told him I went dancing, at this club called the
>Cantina on 43rd Street.
GYPSY: You know, nine blocks uptown from The Miracle.
> In fact, I told him, I was going that evening. He said he might have
> to stop by there sometime."
>
>"So you asked him on a date?" Ben asked, his eyes wider.
PEARL (Alexa): Well, technically he was stalking me. But he was just so
sweet about it.
>"You'd nearly been arrested, but a date was on your mind?"
MADGE: No aspect of the investigation gets past the steely logic of-- that
guy.
>Alexa frowned. "Come on, Mr. Stone,
GYPSY: Back of the class, Duh-schowitz!
>I hadn't even been questioned, much less arrested.
PEARL (Alexa): Though he was about to slap the cuffs on me, if you know what
I mean.
>Besides, from what I heard later, they weren't even after
>Amelia then. They thought she might have seen something, but not that
>she'd actually killed anyone. I didn't see anything wrong with it."
GYPSY: Wait- she thought it was OK, because of facts she didn't know about
yet?
MADGE: That Jeanne Dixon course in rationalization skills is really paying
off for her.
>She could afford to be indignant, because that highly edited version of
>the hallway scene was very little like what really occurred.
GYPSY (uncomfortable): Hooooooooo, Nellie.
PEARL: This is like a second-hand romance novel where the good parts are
already marked. Which isn't a bad thing, come to think of it.
> The hallway had been dim, some bulbs out, and it was really only a
> service way to another bank of elevators.
MADGE: It was marked by a sign that said, "R Rating, Straight Ahead."
>Alexa never saw where Detective Briscoe went;
PEARL: Oh, let's leave SOMETHING to the imagination here, please.
> it was just Detective Logan and herself, him gripping her upper
> forearm as though to keep her in check.
PEARL: (Logan, feeling forearm): Hey! You work out?
>About halfway down the dim hall, he let go and
>cornered her up against the wall, leaning toward her with one arm
>propping him up.
MADGE (Logan): Am I too AGGRESSIVE?! Do I come on too STRONG?! ANSWER ME,
DAMMIT!
>"What was lunch all about?"
GYPSY (Alexa): Well, those little hot dogs were called "hors dourves". You
were NOT expected to fill a sandwich with them.
>"Is that what you've wanted to ask me, Detective Mike?" Alexa had
> raised one knee up off the wall,
GYPSY: She's kneeling on the wall! She's a shaman, rewriting the laws of
gravity!
PEARL: No, it's just awkwardly phrased, Gyps.
>pressing herself into the concrete. He was very
>close to her face, and she could smell the lunch and the beer they had
>both just had mixed with his cologne. It was like wine,
PEARL: Beer like wine?
MADGE: That Napa Valley microbrewery is just too "out there" for me.
>she felt drunk with her adopted persona, and fearless.
>
>"It's Detective Logan," he told her, not too emphatically, his eyes
>scanning her face.
GYPSY (as computer processing): Brr-d-d-brr-d-d... Error input Line 407.
>
>"Logan makes me think of an airport in Boston," she told him. "I like
>Detective Mike better."
PEARL (Logan, still processing): Answer unclear, ask again.
>
>And then he had leaned in
All begin humming "Love is a Many Splendored Thing".
ALL: Ba-da-da-da-da, ba-da-da-da-da, ba-da-da-da-da, ba-da-da-da-da-
>and they had kissed,
ALL (reaching crescendo): DUUUULLLL! Ba-da, BORED, da, WE'RE, FED UP!
>not soft and tentative, but
>deep and hungrily, instinctive and wet.
MADGE: Hm. I hope they remembered to Vaseline their lips. Otherwise
they're not going to get a good seal.
> She remembered his tongue feeling smooth and soft inside her mouth,
GYPSY (Alexa): Hey! That's a donut!
PEARL (Logan): Whoap, sorry. Didn't really have time to chew dessert.
>and they kissed without touching anywhere
>else or moving from their positions at the wall. When he pulled back,
>he still hovered within inches of her face.
MADGE (Logan, lustily): Shall we... sign the pre-nup now?
>"What do you do at night, Ms. Page, when you're not slumming at cop
>lunches?"
PEARL (Alexa): I take my slum on the road, slum up the local bar scene.
>"I go dancing," she told him, and named the club. It was true -- it was
>the one true Alexa thing
GYPSY: Don't you DARE screw up Anna Quindlen's book!
>he now knew about her. "I like to dance. Tonight, I dance."
MADGE: Zorba, the Geek.
>"I think I might have to stop by there sometime," he said back, slowly,
> and there was a bit of silence between them a moment or two.
PEARL (Logan): You like muffins? I really like muffins.
>"You did that on purpose at lunch, didn't you."
>
>"Did what, Detective Mike?"
>
>He ran the back of his hand down her cheek. "I think you know."
GYPSY (Alexa): What, the beer can thing? Licking the silverware? Stuffing
luncheon meat in my bra? Help me out here.
>And leaned
>in again for another of those death-defying, life drawing kisses.
MADGE (Alexa): Did it provide a service of some- blub! Gag! Cough! Damn,
warn me next time!
>When they
>pulled back this time, though, she darted under his arm.
GYPSY (Alexa): Whee! I'm a dragonfly!
>
>"Are you a good cop, Detective Mike?" she asked him, and he blinked.
PEARL (Logan): Uh, sure! The best! Uh... we're talking about sex, right?
>"Of course," he told her, completely sincere in his surprise at the
>question.
MADGE: Just how she likes'em. Good, honest, and dim as a six-watt light
bulb.
>They didn't say another word until she was outside with her dogs, in
>the sunshine, and things felt real again.
GYPSY (as dogs): Ah, god bless our legal system!
MADGE (as dogs): The press! Where's the press!
PEARL (as Daniel Day Lewis): Me father died in a British dog pound for
somethin' he didn't do!
>"The Cantina," he repeated to her,
>and she nodded, doubting he'd ever set foot in it.
>
>"Thank you, Detective Mike, for a most educational afternoon," she told
>him, and slid into a cab with her dogs.
PEARL: Educational?
GYPSY: Well, we did learn that "no drinking on duty" thing is more a
suggestion than a policy.
MADGE: And we learned that high-profile murder investigations can be
back-burnered to provide kennel services to the upper class.
> Ben didn't hear beyond the sanitized version, and when Alexa paused,
> she saw him look over his shoulder at his assistant, Claire. What
> Alexa didn't know was that Claire, chasing after Logan that afternoon
> to ask about a deposition,
PEARL: -knowing she'd have to count his foot stomps to get his answers.
>had seen them from the far end of the hallway. But Claire had
>not said a word to Ben -
ALL: WHAT?!
>the ethics of what she had seen were dodgy, but not worth bringing up.
ALL (screaming bloody murder): NOOOOOOO!!!
GYPSY: She gave Claire the brains of a sea sponge!
MADGE: It's OK, Claire! It's not your fault! We still respect you!
PEARL: Oh, man! That made me feel dirtier than the lip mashing!
>Until now.
>
>Ben caught the slight shake of his assistant's head and interpreted it
>correctly.
MADGE (as Stone): Oh! <ZZZZZZIP!> Sorry.
>"Ms. Page. Alexa. If you lie about the small things, we can't
>possibly expect to believe you on the big things."
>
>Alexa paused, stunned at what they had chosen to point out as a lie --
>the one event she had glossed over.
GYPSY: Well, there was that whole garter thing, too. Be fair.
>Her throat welled up and through the knot
>she said, "That's the only story you'll hear from me. Maybe there is
>more. But you won't hear it from me."
MADGE: This is pretty prescient to the Clinton grand jury testimony.
>
>Stone decided to ask his assistant for more details later. He could
>decide then what was worth pursuing. "Fine, then. So you went home.
>Then what."
>
> --------
PEARL: Then she pulled the legs off a centipede.
>
>She got back to the apartment and quickly showered and changed,
MADGE: Letting the steamy wet heat cling to her body like so much- oh, I
can't take this any more.
> stepping out just as Amelia was getting home. Wrapped in a robe,
GYPSY: She just changed! Jeez, the AUTHOR'S not even listening anymore!
>she emerged from
>her bedroom and greeted her sister, asking about her day.
>
>"Crazed, as usual." Amelia sighed dramatically.
PEARL (Amelia): I'd got the old man's body stowed beneath the floorboard,
when the cops come by and wouldn't you know, his heart starts beating!
>"And naturally, more tonight."
>
>"Tonight?"
ALL (sing): Oh-ooooooh!
>
>She nodded. "There's a do upstate and Staffan's picking me up in about
>two hours.
All sniggle.
MADGE: Staffan? Last name Fection?
> Another client. You know how it is."
GYPSY: I don't even know what you DO!
>"Oh." Alexa was dying to tell her sister what had transpired between
>her and the strange policeman,
GYPSY: Columbo?
MADGE: How appropriate for a fanfic that just won't go away!
PEARL (as Columbo): Oh, eh, one more thing...
>but couldn't figure out a way to do so without
>giving away her disguise, so she said,
GYPSY: All people whose twin sister isn't dumb enough to be questioned on a
murder she didn't commit, raise their hand. NOT SO FAST, Amelia!
>"I walked your dogs this afternoon."
>
>"Don't you always?"
>
>Alexa paused. "Well, yeah."
>
>"Yes, Alexa, say 'yes.' 'Yeah' is for children."
>
>"Yes," Alexa pressed her lips together.
MADGE (Alexa): Mpg, mph mm hm mbg!
>"I did. Only, today, I ran into
>some people who knew you."
PEARL (Alexa): Well, the chauffeur did. I just told him not to stop.
>Amelia sat up straight.
MADGE: Boi-oi-oi-oing!
>"Really?"
>
>"They thought I was you."
>
>"And you...."
>
>"I let them think it," Alexa said.
>
>Amelia smiled. "Who were they?"
>
>Alexa folded her arms. "They said they were policemen, Amelia."
GYPSY: "They said"? You were at the precinct!
PEARL: Man, Helen Chernowith isn't this paranoid.
>Amelia paled visibly. "Oh? And...what did you tell them, Alexa?"
MADGE (Alexa): I told them to speak to my imaginary friend's twin sister,
Screwtape.
>"Nothing. I thought it was about parking tickets, and then the dogs ran
>away, and they chased after them. We never got a chance to talk."
GYPSY: Wow. That's so deep! Almost haiku-like in its multi-layered meanings.
I wish I could reiterate tired plot points like that.
>Amelia stood very close to Alexa and held her shoulders.
MADGE (as spine snapping): Kr-r-r-r-ik!
>It wasn't quite threatening, but Alexa felt very uneasy. She could
>never lie to Amelia... how could she stare at herself and tell an
>untruth?
PEARL: Oh, how does Hanson call themselves "musicians"? It's just life!
>"You said nothing to them, Alexa?"
>"That's what I said," Alexa told her.
MADGE: And it's what I'll say again in a few paragraphs. And AGAIN and
AGAIN and...
>"Why do you seem so concerned? I thought it was about parking tickets."
PEARL (moaning): Parking tickets again!
GYPSY: I'll give you three-to-one Amelia doesn't even own a car!
MADGE (deep-voice announcer): Two-fisted DMV action!
>Amelia stood up and walked around, and for a moment Alexa wasn't sure
>what her reaction would be. When she turned, and her eyes were alight,
MADGE (as Santa): MERRY XMAS TO ALL! AND TO ALL A GOOD... oh.
>Alexa let out a breath of relief. "Alexa, darling, you're wonderful!"
GYPSY (Amelia): It took me YEARS to get that evil!
>And Amelia hugged her sister. "I'm so pleased." Alexa didn't know what
>had caused her sister so much pleasure,
All clear their throats, and Pearl tugs at her collar.
> but she let
> it ride. "But it isn't about parking tickets, is it, Amelia."
MADGE: Alternate side of the street plotting!
>The joy she had just emoted disappeared in a second. "If parking
>tickets was good enough for the police, my dear sister, it is good
>enough for you."
ALL (dust motes): WOULD YOU FORGET THE BLOODY PARKING TICKETS!?!
GYPSY (dust mote): She is SO disturbing!
MADGE (dust mote): C'mon, guys! Let's push the thermostat to 280 and roast
her like a veal breast!
Logo, Commericals - Uh-oh! Better get Maaco!
<End Part V>
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