MiSTing: Home For Christmas [STNG/Holiday] [PG] [2/4]
MBlackw415
>wreath suspended from the blue painted vaulted ceiling.
> It was to this scene that Jean-Luc Picard entered the church
>dressed in a black suit and tails,
Mike: Huh? Picard's dressed in something that isn't a Starfleet
uniform? Isn't that a sign of the apocalypse?
> a top hat in one hand, and a his
>other arm wrapped around his wife. Beverly wore a red topped dress
>with a green skirt and matching half cape.
Tom: It's Babylon Five's Sebastian is a special guest role!
Crow: She's wearing a dress *and* a skirt?
> Jacqueline was in her
>arms, dressed in a frilly red dress. Behind them came Marie Picard,
>in a conservative dark green dress,
Tom: o/~ ...but not a real green dress. That's cruel...o/~
> holding her daughter Theresa.
Crow: I get it now. This is another of Ratliff's introduction scenes,
except the clothes are substituting for rank.
Tom: Just imagine the fun if the Starfleet brass got together for
dinner at a fancy dress party. Then we'd have ranks, clothing,
*and* food descriptions.
> Next
>came Isabelle in a red dress and her son in her arms wearing his white
>and blue sailor suit.
Tom: The Federation has eliminated poverty. They've eliminated
prejudice. They've eliminated war. They've eliminated money. But
they still haven't eliminated bad taste.
> Beside her was Marrissa, in a dark red dress, cut low
>in the back, and white gloves coming up to her elbows.
Mike: Marrissa's obsession with strawberries has gone too far! Now
she's even dressing like one!
> The Picard
>family took a seat in the fifth row of oak pews.
Tom: So, the French have no fabric colors other than black, red, blue,
green and white?
Mike: Andrew Lloyd Webber presents "Jean-Luc's Amazing Not-very
Colorful Dreamcoat!"
> On the right side of the alter, a choir of children dressed as
>angels walked in. Taking their places, their wings rustled as they
>opened their red songbooks.
Mike: It's Chairman Mao!: The Musical!
> Their director turned to address the
>congregation, "Welcome to Christmas Eve Children's Mass, our
>opening hymn will be number 212,
Crow: It should be hymn 47, Stephen. . .
> `It came upon a midnight clear.'" He
>turned back to the choir and raised his hands.
Tom: In surrender.
Crow: Well, they are French.
> The children opened up in song.
Bots: [Slowly, like a hymn] o/~ If you like Pina Coladas, and
getting caught in the rain... o/~
Mike: [Mumbling] And now I'm in a "Remember WENN" episode.
>
> It came upon a midnight clear, that glorious song of old
> From angels bending near the earth, to touch their harps of gold.
> Peace on earth, good will to men, from heaven's All gracious King,
> The world in solemn stillness lay, to hear the angles sing...
>
Tom: This must be the version of the hymn that came from the
Pythagorean branch of the Catholic Church.
> The oaken cross was carried in followed by Philippe Boucher,
>carrying the lectoinary. Two altar servers and Father Frances brought
>up the rear.
Mike: The triumphant return of the transgendered priest, ladies
and gentlemen - and, uh, others.
> As they passed the Picard pew, their was a variety of
>reactions. Marie Picard stared at Mr. Boucher in disgust.
Crow: [Marie] Lime green? With orange moonboots? Tacky!
> Isabelle
>looked at her father with a note of sadness. Marrissa examined the
>man with curiosity.
Mike: [Marrissa] I wonder what his Kobyashi Maru time is?
> Jean-Luc gave him a challenging glare. All them were
>lost on the man, as he stared straight ahead, concentrating on his job.
Tom: Actually he was just wondering how the surf was off the Great
Barrier Reef.
Crow: Yeah, if things wrap up early enough, he can catch
some really gnarly waves, dude. But don't let Stephen know.
>He placed the lectionary on the lectern and sat down in the front pew.
>Soon it was time for the first reading.
Crow: So, he got out the tarot cards and put on his turban.
> Mr. Boucher ascended to
>the lectern, and opened the lectionary to the first reading. He began,
>"A reading from the book of Isaiah,"
> Marie fastened her glare on him, boring into his soul.
>
Crow: This story is having the same effect on me.
> "For Zion's sake I will not be silent,
Tom: But I will keep silent if Kenneth Starr calls me forward.
> for Jerusalem's sake I will not be quiet.
> Until her vindication shines fourth like the dawn
Tom: Well, it's like the dawn, except there's not really a sun rise
involved. Or light, for that matter. Oh heck, it's just plain old
darkness. You caught us.
> and her victory like a burning torch
Mike: Great. Detroit must have continued Devil's Night through
Christmas.
> Nations shall behold your vindication,
Crow: Mike, should we really be riffing Bible verses?
Mike: Probably not.
Crow: Ah. Well, off to the next verse then.
> and All kings your glory;
Tom: And All Saints shall sing some annoying pop songs in your
presence.
> You shall be called by a new name
Mike: And it shall be "throat-warbler mangrove".
> pronounced by the mouth of the Lord.
Mike: Actually, He probably could pronounce "throat-warbler mangrove".
> You shall be a glorious Crown in the hand of the Lord,
Crow: Although Marrissa will probably claim that for herself.
> a royal diadem held by your God.
> No more shall men call you "Forsaken,"
>
Mike: Or Unreal. Or Quake. Or Duke Nukem.
> Mr. Boucher paused slightly in the reading, but continued.
>
Tom: [Phillipe] Wow. There is a word that rhymes with "orange." Oh
well, better keep reading.
> or your land "Desolate"
>
Tom: Or "Arizona."
Crow: Same thing.
> A tear formed in Mr. Boucher's eye, as he finished the reading.
>
> "But you shall be called "My Delight,"
Mike: Or, when appropriate, "Snuggle Bunny."
> and your land, "Espoused"
Crow: Wow. Stephen misspelled "Enterprise" again.
Tom: Actually, I think he spelled it correctly this time.
> For the Lord delights in you,
> and makes your land his spouse.
Tom: Well that gives new meaning to "virgin territory."
> As a young man marries a virgin,
Mike: Well, improbabilities like that do happen when Marrissa's
around.
> your builder shall marry you,
> And as a bridegroom rejoices in his bride
Crow: So, they'll be making a joyful noise unto the Lord?
> so shall your God rejoice in you.
>
All: Gooooooo, believers!
> The reading concluded, Mr. Boucher, his voice cracking, said,
>"This is the word of the Lord." Guiltily, Marie looked down at the
>floor as the church replied, "And also with you."
Tom: And you know who you are!
> The Mass passed uneventfully until it was time for the gospel.
>As it was tradition at the children's Mass, this was the Christmas
>pageant.
Mike: Actually, this is usually referred to as the "torture section"
of the mass.
Crow: Huh?
Mike: Ever listen to a hundred children singing a carol off-key?
Crow: Ah.
> Isabelle had excused herself and her son, and positioned
>herself off to the left side of the altar.
Tom: For as it says in the book of Matthew, "The unwed mothers shall
be set to the left of my hand, and..."
Crow: Risking eternal damnation, are we?
Tom: Oh, you're one to talk Mr. "I'll sell my soul for a dolly."
> Father Francis took the
>lectern for a moment, stating, "Please be seated, for the Gospel
>according to Luke."
Tom: Chapter 1, Verse 1: Tatooine is the most boring place in the
galaxy. 2: Biggs was right. . .
Mike: Wrong Luke.
Tom: Oh. How about this one? Laura is the bestest woman in the
world. . .
Mike: Enough.
> Then a boy of about thirteen took the lectern and began.
Crow: Sigh. The influence of the Kid's Crew extends even to the clergy.
> "In
>those days, a decree went out from the Emperor Augustus that All the
>world should be registered.
Tom: This way, the Romans would have a massive mailing list for use in
future solicitations.
> This was the first registration and was
>taken while Quirinius was governor of Syria.
Tom: And Quirinius beget Lucis. And Lucis beget Anthony. And Anthony
beget Thetis. And Thetis. . .
Mike: That's Old Testament, not New.
Tom: Ah. Still, it'd be perfect for Ratliff.
> All the men went to their
>own towns to be registered. Joseph went from the town of Nazareth in
>Galilee to Judea, to the city of David called Bethlehem, because he
>was descended from the house and family of David."
Crow: So Joseph's last name would be Davidson then?
> Mary and Joseph
>proceeded up the aisle to the manger.
Crow: This being France, they did the can-can all the way.
> The choir picked up to tune,
Mike: And now, join us in welcoming the Klingon boy's choir...
Bots: o/~ Qualapa ene'ck cha! B'ah! Na'veak che k'vort... o/~
> "O Little town of Bethlehem,
>How still we see thee lie,
Crow: Wow. The entire town is full of liars? Still?
> Above thy deep and dreamless sleep, the
>silent stars go by,
Tom: Ah. Somebody finally paid attention to physics class. Sound
doesn't propagate in space, after all.
> Yet in thy dark streets shin-eth the everlasting light, The
>hopes and fears of all the years, Are met in thee tonight."
Mike: Yes, tonight we'll get to see if they'll let Aaron Spelling do
yet another series full of good looking, yet vapid actors.
> The boy continued, "He brought Mary, to whom he was
>married, who was expecting her first child. While they where there,
>the time came for her to deliver her child.
Tom: But their HMO insisted that they travel to Baghdad to stay at a
hospital in the plan if they wished to be covered.
Crow: And she couldn't give birth once she got there, because she
couldn't demonstrate it was medically necessary.
> And she gave birth to her
>first born son and wrapped him in bands of cloth,
Crow: Jesus *is* Boris Karloff in "The Mummy"!
> and laid him in a
>manger, because there was no room at the in."
Mike: There was room at the on, the by, and the at though.
> Isabelle handed Mary her son, now wrapped in cloth. The
>choir raised there voices once again, "Away in the manger, no crib for
>his bed,
Crow: Ooh! Plot point!
Tom: Yes, that lack of a crib will become important later in the
story.
Mike: Check to see if it's behind the alter.
> The little Lord Jesus laid down his sweet head. The stars in the
>heavens looked down where he lay, the little lord Jesus, asleep in the
>hay. The cattle are lowing,
Crow: Lowing? That's what Limboing was originally called, right?
> the poor baby wakes, but the little Lord
>Jesus, no crying he makes. I love the Lord Jesus, look down from the
>sky, and stay by my cradle to watch lullaby."
Mike: Lullaby? Is that a new show on the telly?
> Once again the boy picked up the story,
Crow: Hmm. The choir is bored enough by the story to start a
Round Robin.
Mike: So , Kevin Spacey goes to Jesus' house to talk about the
possible informant inside the police department. . .
> as shepherds gathered
>in the aisle. "In that region there were shepherds gathered tending
>their flocks by night.
Crow: They were afraid to venture out during the day because of the
ongoing feud with the nearby cattle ranchers.
> Then an angel of the Lord appeared before them and
>the glory of the Lord shown around them, and they were terrified"
Mike: It's Dennis Franz and Nick Cage!
All: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Mike: Wait. Franz has his pants on. [Mumbling] For once.
Bots: Whew.
> An angel walked in from the side and said, quite softly, "Do
>not be afraid; for see' I am bringing you good news of great joy for
>All the people:
Tom: We've been renewed for Season 10!
All: Huzzah!
> to you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who
>is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: you will find the
>child wrapped in cloth and lying in a manger"
> The boy then said, "And suddenly, there was with the angel a
>multitude of the heavenly hosts, praising God."
Crow: So, when did Joel, Frank, and Dr. F show up with the Canadian
gold, the incense, and the record label?
Mike: Crow, that never actually happened.
> The choir rose in song, "Angels we have heard on high,
>Sweetly singing on the plain,
Tom: The Angels' proclaim falls mainly on the plain.
> And the mountains in reply, echoing their
>joyous strain, Glo------ria in excelsus deo, Glo---ria in excelsus
>deo."
Tom: So, who is this Gloria, and where's Excelsus, Deo?
Crow: Well, whoever it is, they all seem to know her.
> The boy concluded, "When the angels had left them and gone
>to heaven, the shepherds hastened to Bethlehem and found Mary and
>Jesus as the angels had told them.
Crow: The shepherds must have been women then. Guys would have never
stopped to ask for directions.
> When they saw this they made
>known what had been told to them about the child, and All who heard
>were amazed. But Mary treasured All these words and pondered them
>in her heart."
> Father Frances concluded, "The gospel of the Lord."
Mike: The crowd responded with a mighty "Woof, woof, woof!" and
rotated their fists in the air.
> Once again the choir took up the Refrain, "Glo-----ria in
>excelsus deo, Glo-----ria, in excelsus deo."
Mike: And then Bono and the boys launched into Pride, and the Church
really started kicking.
> The rest of Mass
>proceeded uneventfully.
>
Crow: Well, the Romulans attacked the ceremony, thinking that it was
some sort of ruse in preparation for a Federation attack, but
Marrissa took care of that little problem.
Tom: Let's go.
[The trio begins to leave the theater.]
Bots: o/~ Here we go a waffling, among the leaves so green. . .o/~
Mike: That's wassail, guys, not waffle.
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