MiSTed: "Mary's Story" with short "The Purple Elephant from Alabama". (1/2) (PROSE, GAME, CASTLE)
Bean
me more freedom then usual. I mean, most likely I'll wind up getting
strangled, but that's just the price I pay for entertaining you. Think of it
as a public service. You're welcome.
You know the drill, dim the lights...
[Insert Theme Song here]
[SoL Bridge. Crow and Tom are there. Crow is dressed in a yellow bird
suit, and Tom has donned the costume of a purple dinosaur. I'll pause
a moment so you can get over the initial shock. Ready? Let's go.]
Tom: [sings in a deep, dopey voice] I love you! You love me!
Crow: [in a crackly, cute voice] That's right, boys and girls! We
love ALL of you!
Tom: [still singing] We're a big happy family! With a great big hug
and a kiss from me to you! Won't you buy our merchandise too?
Crow: [same voice] Speaking of merchandise, boys and girls, we have
LOTS of licensed merchandise for you! [Cambot pans over to the side,
where we can see plenty of licensed stuff.] Like these dolls!
Tom: Tee-shirts!
Crow: Action figures!
Tom: Play sets!
Crow: Underwear!
Tom: Vacuum cleaners and other household appliances!
Crow: Lawn ornaments!
Tom: Vitamins!
Crow: And, of course, jelly jars!
[Mike enters, then stops short]
Mike: Uh, boys? What's going on here?
Tom: [quickly ad-libing] Oh, look, boys and girls! It's our special
friend, Mikey! Say hello, Mikey!
Mike: [waves, then turns back to Tom and Crow] Really, why are you
dressed like that?
Crow: Well, Mikey, we're showing all the boys and girls our wonderful
products that they should just run out *right now* and buy!
Mike: Oooh, I get it. You're banking in on the mass market for kids
toys.
Crow: [whispers to Mike] Want a cut?
Mike: [whispers back] How?
Crow: [back to us] Well, boys and girls, it looks like Mikey's gonna
get in his special costume! Go ahead Mikey, it's under the console.
[Mike walks past the licensed stuff and ducks under the console. We
see him come up with - what else? - a purple teletubby suit. He looks
at it for a moment.]
Mike: Just how much am I going to be getting? [Mad's Light goes off.]
Tom: Erk, no time. Lala, Po and Dipsy are calling.
[Castle Forrester. The place is an absolute *mess*. Everything is
either upside down, on its side, or covered in other things that are
either upside down, on its side, or so on. Just take my word, it's
in turmoil. All of a sudden, there's a quiet buzzing, suggesting that
there's a fly in the room. It buzzes for a second, then Pearl and Bobo
rush at it from both sides with fly swatters. In classic sit-com
style, they crash and fall to the floor. They both pick themselves up,
and Pearl turns to the camera as Bobo keeps at the fly.]
Pearl: Sorry about that, Nelson. We have this *awful* fly buzzing
around here today, and it's annoying everyone.
[In the background, Bobo swats at the fly, falls over some debris with
a loud "Oook", then gets up again and goes after the fly.]
Pearl: You'd think a mad scientist and a large monkey wouldn't have
any trouble with this sort of thing ...
[Observer enters, with a can clearly marked "RAID". He patiently waits
for Bobo to chase the fly in his direction, then he gives off a small
squirt of bug spray. The buzzing ceases.]
Observer: See? That's all you had to do.
Bobo: ... oh.
Pearl: [To Observer] Well, pardon us, Mr. Omnipotent-being-minus-a-
body. [To camera] Anyway, I've got a painful double feature for
you. Today, you're getting a creatures fanfic called "Mary's Story".
But first, a short from the same author called "The Purple Elephant
from Alabama". "Mary's Story" has enough action to keep you busy for
maybe 10 seconds, and "The Purple Elephant from Alabama" ... well,
even *I* feel bad about sending that up. You'll be racing each other
to the trash cans.
[SoL]
Crow: We're getting something that makes *Pearl* feel guilty?! [Movie
Sign goes off]
Mike: No time for discussion, we've got fanfic sign!
[Usual chaos and the door sequence. The crew enters the theater.]
> The Purple Elephant from alabama
Tom: [sings] Oooh, he comes from Alabama with a banjo on his knee!
Crow: You know, in the name of all good and beautiful, I dearly hope
that this isn't another "Boggy Creek".
>
>
>
> Once upon a time,
Mike: In a galaxy far, far away...
> when young people across the country were expiermenting with drugs,
Tom: Sound familiar, Mike?
> there was a beautifull, gorgeous girl named Maria,
Crow: [sings to the tune of a song from "The West Side Story", which
name totally escapes my mind] Maaaria!
> her boyfriend Oscar,
[Everyone screams]
Mike: No! It's Oscar from "Artemis' Lover" fame!
> and her best friend from childhood Doris,
Crow: Doris, Doris, bo - BORE - us...
> who wasn't nearly as beautiful as Maria. Doris was pretty but paled in
> comparrison
Tom: <Pirate> Arrr!
> to Maria. Nobody liked Doris but Maria. And Maria didn't even
> like Doris,
Crow: Ohno. This story can't keep its continuity past two sentences.
> she just called Doris her little protigee.
Mike: "Protigee"?
Tom: It's either protegee or prodigy.
Crow: Doris was Maria's little outdated computer on-line service?
> Doris felt underappriciated but she didn't dare complain because she
> knew Maria would have Oscar beat her up.
Mike: <thug> Seez, youz here complain, and we'z gonna have to call in
Oscar, youz unn'er stand? Capice, Mon ami?
> So we know Doris was frightened and scared of her friends,
Crow: <narrator> Hey, she was scared of just about *anyone*.
> and to see for our selves we drop in on the three.
[Everyone makes assorted crashing noises]
> "So like...uh... Laura
Mike: Croft?
> said that her cousin Bill
Tom: <Mr. Bill> Oh no!
> knew a guy named Rob
Mike: Petri?
> who said that Nellie
Tom: *Nervous* Nellie. She had a problem with the shakes.
> said Freddie
Crow: Oh, now they go and bring Scott Adams' cat into the mix.
> met a girl named Ailleen
Mike: Davidson?
Tom: You watch "Days of Our Lives"?
Mike: Uh ... wait, how'd you know that was a Days ref?
Tom: Erm ... Crow told me?
Crow: Did not! I like Kristen Alfonso better, anyway!
[beat]
Tom: We're pathetic.
Mike and Crow: Amen.
> and their going steady and while they were going on their second date
> they met up with
> Rob,
Tom: [hums the "Dick Van Dyke Show" theme song]
> and he was wondering if I knew
Crow: <Maria> ... anything. Turns out, I don't! Tee hee!
> anyone who would like to go out on a date with him this Saturday since his
> girlfriends going out of town this weekend and if you get what I mean
Mike: <Doris> "Get"? What's "get"?
> he would be kinda lonely during the weekend, and I thought about it
Tom: Yeah, right. Thinking for this chick is like Rush trying to fit
on a local playground tube slide.
> and I thought about it cause you know thinking makes my head hurt...
Crow: You thinking makes *my* head hurt, too.
> and finally I figured it out... or at least I think I did... oh oh ow ow
> too much thinking...
Tom: <Maria> Do you have any Tyler-nal?
> anyway so I decided to hook you, Doris and Rob up for a date on
> Saturday!!
Mike: How do you hook someone up with themselves?
> <SQUEAL!>
Crow: HTML's latest innovation -- the SQUEAL tag. It denotes pages
with high "density", if you catch my drift.
> So what do you say?" jabbered Maria.
Tom: <Doris> Uh, 42?
> "Fine."
Mike: <Doris, agitated> Be that way!
> said Doris, excited that she actually had a date.
Crow: Gee, you could cut the excitement with a knife.
> "Uh gee, Doris, you certainly don't talk a lot,
Tom: <Maria> I mean, *someone* has to fill that boring time in-between
my breaths!
> are you sure you won't bore Rob to death
Crow: <Doris> Shut up, Maria!
Mike: <Oscar, big and dumb sounding> Unhg!
Crow: <Doris> Oops. Forgot about you, there!
> because wouldn't it just be terrible if he said
Tom: <Maria> Woola-woola-woola?
> something and you replied another of your one word answers
Crow: <Maria> You know, like when you just all of a sudden shout
"FISH"?
> and the rest of the night was just like that and he would be really lonely
Mike: <Maria> Seeing how he's *with* someone and all...
> that night and you could hear the crickets chirping
Tom: <Maria> And it covered up *my* incessant yammering?
> or something like that and gee that would be just terrible! OH and didn't
> you hear Jody went on a date last weekend with Mike
Crow: Do what?
Mike: Don't get any ideas.
> and they completely flopped
Tom: <Maria> like a tuna...
> cause she's still following those stupid rules like ..uh.. you know um
Crow: <Maria> like not pouring lighter fluid on each other then
dancing near the fire place?
> never kiss until the third date! AS if! Hello!
Tom: Oh, gosh. Hunker down, we have "Clueless" cross over.
> I've done more than kissing before the third date , always!" said Maria
Mike: <Maria> Like talking!
> Oscar
Tom: Meyer Wiener ...
> giggled after this last comment and beagan to say "Hey honey
> remeber when..."
Mike: <Oscar, big dumb voice> We went that one place and did all that
stuff? Was it fun? I can't remember.
> "Shut up Oscar,
Crow: Whoa!
Tom: Tight leash.
> so anyway I was like )
Mike: <Maria> Uh! PARENTHISIS!
> OHMY GOSH!!! Ooh do you like my new make up because Jody was wearing it on
Crow: <Maria> ... her parole hearing ...
> her date with Mike and Jody says she thinks thats why Mike wanted to kiss
> her on the date
Tom: Just *where* is a date?
> because the make up made her look good, and so now I'm wearing it and I
> was just wondering if it made me look any more sexier than I normally do ?
> " blabbed Maria.
Mike: Dear author, please use commas at regular intervals. It helps us
all. Thank you.
> "Anyway Maria I need to go on home allright?" said Doris trying
> vainly to escape.
Crow: Yeah, Maria? We need to go home too! Us too, please let us go!
> "Uh uh sister!
Tom: <Dr. Evil> Don't go there, girlfriend!
> Listen today is Friday. Tommorow is Saturday.
Crow: <Maria> Then the next day is Monday. See, I know my days of the
week, tee hee!
Tom: <Also Maria> I learned that from my underwear!
> Tommorow you have a date with Rob. You will spend the night with me to get
> prepared",
All: [singing, from "The Lion King"] Be PREPARED!
> at this comment Maria cast a sorrowful glance at Oscar,
Mike: <Oscar> Duh?
> and Oscar glared at Doris,
Tom: <Doris> No, Oscar, I don't have any candy.
>" Anyway we will give you the works I'll let you borrow one of my
Crow: <Maria> ... kidneys.
> dresses and you can get a little make over with me and it'll be sooo fun!
> So you just pickup the phone and call your parents
Tom: <Maria> Assuming you *have* parents and weren't just made, you
little "protigee"!
> and tell them that your gonna spend the night at my house
Mike: <Maria> Or *Oscar* will have something to say about that!
> cause you have to help me on a big school project and I can't think on my
> own"
> So Doris phoned her mother and told her the lie, and they went over
> to Maria's house.
Tom: <Author> I don't feel like writing it down, make it up yourself.
> Beginning of phrase one dun dun dun
Crow: "Phrase"?
Mike: Don't try to figure it out, you'll just burn a circuit. Let's
split.
[Everyone exits, and we do the door sequence.]
Bean
"You do it on the toilet?! :-O Well..it explains why you sound strained at
points."
-Miff, commenting on how I record OtA. (NOT on the toilet!)
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