MiSTed: Fandom 1/2
KenWMcC55
Original text by Anonymous
Misting by Cory McCasland (cdm...@juno.com)
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This has also been tweaked a bit, and follows on from
A Letter to the Fans.
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[SoL- The Doctor has his hands clamped to his ears as Crow and
Servo babble on]
Doctor (shouting): I'm the Doctor, and I've only been stuck here for a
day and I already wish that fall from the Pharos Tower had been
fatal! The gumball machine and gold bird keep asking what my
name is!
Tom: Is it Theta Sigma?
Crow: Is it Feet?
Doctor: No!
Tom: Is it Whotherasillonomegalungbarrowmas?
Crow: Or Alphabeticalfalphalalph?
Doctor & Tom: Huh?
Crow: Well...what about Fred? Or Eric?
[Bots begin shouting names again, as commercial sign begins
flashing and the Doctor hits the button]
{Here at the BBC, we have only one thing to say-YOU'LL NEVER SEE
DOCTOR WHO AGAIN! Not when we can produce such
wonderful shows as Are You Being Served For The Millionth Time
and a new series of Open All Hours! So go watch Babylon 5 and
leave us alone!}
[SoL-Bots have finally calmed down, having run out of names]
Tom: Come on, just a little hint?
Doctor: No. My name is forbidden by decree of the House of Lungbarrow.
Crow: Since when did you listen to that bunch of whining, back stabbing,
Jerry Springer show rejects?
Doctor: Okay. My name is...
[Mad's light begins flashing]
Doctor: Puttintame! Ask me again and I'll tell you the same!
[hits button]
[Deep 13-Dr. Forrester is sporting a very evil grin]
Dr. F: Well, Professor X, it's time for the invention exchange.
[SoL-Crow and Servo are in shock]
Crow: What?! We stopped doing invention exchanges over a year ago!
[D13-Grin broadens]
Dr. F: Oh, you mean you didn't get my note? Ratings are getting
worse than Jon Peter's latest idea for Superman Lives,
and I need some fresh ideas to steal!
[SoL]
Tom: Oh, so now you admit to ripping us off?
Crow: What happened to the money you made off all those other
inventions you stole from us and Joel?
Doctor: What's an invention exchange?
[D13]
Dr. F: In order: Yes, I took all of your ideas and lived high off the hog!
The money ran out when that ingrate Robinson sued me for theft
and "cruel and unusual punishment via continued exposure to
Roger Corman," and an invention exchange is where you show off
your pathetic excuse for an intellect and create something
useless. So get on with it!
[SoL]
Doctor (arms crossed petulantly): No. Who said I have to do anything
you ask? You aren't the boss of me!
Crow: Say, Clay, you look pretty ill. Still getting over that heartbreaking
scene in the Cloister room?
[D13-Forrester turns pale]
Dr. F: How do you know...I mean, I have no idea what you're
talking about!
[SoL]
Crow: Your mom mentioned it during our Fabio chat on IRC.
Tom: Yeah, really sad. It must be so hard to forget the touch of
Torgo, the way his hips swayed back and forth...
[D13]
Dr. F (making hurling noises): Mother! Quickly, I'm gonna...
[Pearl enters, gives Dr. F a soiled paper bag, and he rushes off
and begins spewing chunks]
[SoL-Crow, Servo, and Doctor begin exchanging high-fives,
or in Servo's case, high-domes]
Crow: Great one, Tommy!
Servo: You weren't too bad yourself!
Doctor: It's at times like this I'm glad that knock to the head wasn't fatal.
Crow: Oh, you mean when you did it on purpose?
Doctor: Shhh! The accursed multi-coloured one might hear you!
[D13-Forrester's still hurling, as Pearl turns to the screen]
Pearl: That wasn't very nice, Art. But, at least it will keep him
out of my hair for a while. We couldn't find McCoy's
e-mail address, so we had to settle for some essay
on T&A in the New Adventures called "Fandom", by someone
who wishes to remain anonymous. WIth good reason, too.
[SoL-Lights begin flashing]
Tom: WE GOT RANT SIGN!
{6...5...4...3...2...*}
[all enter theatre, Doctor setting Servo down]
Doctor: I guess I could have shown my neutron flow polarity reverser.
>Fandom
Tom: Fandom looking for submissive sci-fi geek.
>Doctor Who has undergone a lot of changes since our show
>was cancelled in 1989.
Doctor: Since when did the fan's own it?
Tom: Well, they always act like they do.
> We have seen it go from a series,
>televised weekly
Tom: I thought it was televised quite strongly, myself.
> into millions of homes,
Crow (Carl Sagan): Milliyuns and millyuns of homes.
> to something that
>endured and retained its popularity. As a result,
Doctor: I'm always asked what my real name is.
Crow: Granpa Jack?
Servo: Tina Yothers?
>chat groups, fanzines,
Tom: Like the Knob of Rassilon.
> newsgroups, magazines
>and mailing lists devoted to nothing but
Crow: Endless conversations on whether Ian and Barbara were "doing it."
>the discussion of Doctor Who are commonplace. It is ironic that
>the lack of new televised product
Tom: And with this new televised product, you can make gulian fries,
saw through steel, and make net geeks argue over the most
trivial of details!
> has given rise to many things
>that might have otherwise not have happened if we were
>still getting a regular yearly series.
Crow: It would suck having to wait a year between new episodes.
>One of the most eagerly anticipated
Doctor (eagerly): Oh, I just can't wait for the next episode of Sleepwalkers!
> and perhaps most
interesting
>aspects of this metamorphosis was the introduction of the New Adventures,
Tom: Hello, we're the New Adventures. How do you do?
>and later, the Missing Adventures.
Crow: Those Missing Adventures are never around when you need them!
> The New Adventures filled
the void of
>an otherwise starved fandom,
Doctor: Please, just one Jelly Baby!
> who were surviving on the scraps
thrown at
>them through their own compositions of fan fiction,
Tom: Hmmm, what key should my Doctor Who/Sister Sister
crossover be in?
> and monthly doses of
>nostalgia via Doctor Who Magazine and the like. Consider if the series
Tom: Was spun off more than Star Trek.
Crow: DW-Deep Unit 9 and DW-Gallifreyan Academy.
> was
>still being televised,
Doctor: Shot dead in front of a live studio audience!
Crow: Doctor Who is in heaven now.
> with new episodes to watch each year.
> Would we feel the
>need to read any 'new' adventures?
Crow: Sure, how else could we stand Mel and Adric?
>Fandom has undergone quite a few mutations over the years, but probably
>none so dramatic as the perceptions of Doctor Who fans being
>altered by these new ranges
All (singing): Home, home on the range, where the Cybermats
and Autons slay!
> of books. Consider some of the changes
> that are now
>accepted as part of Doctor Who folklore
Tom (sonnerous voice): In times before the great Roddenberry, a
man traveled in a blue tree and uttered "hmmm" a lot.
> (I won't use the
word
> that rhymes with
>cannon).
Crow: Fannon?
Tom: Dannon?
Doctor: Rhiannon?
> Sex is now a common aspect of a New Adventure,
Crow: As evidenced in the new novel, "Doctor Who and the Invasion
of the Playmates from Orgasmo".
> with many of the
>companions indulging in various forms of sexual activity.
Doctor: Now that I think of it, I do remember this constant buzzing
sound coming from Benny's room.
> Certainly the tension
>levels between the TARDIS crew have increased,
Crow: You try living with an arrogant, self-absorbed Time Lord
in a box for several years, no matter how big it is on the inside!
Doctor: This has made me appreciate how sub-servient K-9 was.
> to heights
> surpassing even the
>most virulent of outbursts during The Twin Dilemma.
Doctor: Give me a break! Let's see *you* deal with a woman who
chooses to complain instead of thanking you for sacrificing
a regeneration to save her whiny butt!
Crow: This is like truth serum to you, isn't it?
> The arguments are becoming
>a lot more personal,
Tom: That's going to happen when you start quoting Rush Limbaugh
and expect to be taken seriously.
> with the confrontations now being expanded to
> the more 'adult'
>scope that the New Adventure series provides.
Crow: Oh, just because Ace described sleeping with eighty guys it's
all of a sudden Penthouse Forum?
> As the books are able
> to explore
Tom: Strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new...
Doctor: Wrong series.
>more broad and diverse scenarios, so to do the pressures placed
>upon the TARDIS crew.
>
>Are these sexual hijinks
Tom (goofy announcer voice): On the next episode of Three's
Company, the Doctor has to convince Mr. Furley he's
gay while dating Grace and Sam at the same time!
> and tensions, supposedly part of the
> 'mature themes'
>of these novels, really part of Doctor Who, or are they no more than
> book writers
>imaginations running wild with a subject matter that really isn't
> appropriate for our
>good Doctor?
Doctor: I just love how fans think they know what's best for me.
>It is easy to contrast the differences between the televised series
> and the book
>series.
Tom: Yeah, one's printed and one's on television.
> Certainly 'glimpses of stocking' that took place from 1963-1989
Crow: That's one long glimpse!
> pale into
>comparison against many of the threads in the printed medium.
>Ultra-violent, naked and promiscuous are not adjectives that spring
>to mind when you remember your favourite companions from
>yestayear.
Doctor (steaming): Don't you dare speak of Grace that way!
Tom: I think they mean Ace.
>Certainly, the more realistic personal relationships
Tom: One minute you're decrying promiscuity and the next you're
talking about realistic relationships? Make up your mind!
>
portrayed have
>moved the books into an area which is a lot more welcome than the
> sanitised,
>by the numbers, BBC series formulaic output.
Crow: Maybe a strip-tease half-way through 'Android Invasion' would have
been better.
> Dramatic
effect has rarely
> been
>carried over multiple stories (with the Hartnell and Davison eras being
>notable exceptions), so it is refreshing to see that the books are
>attempting to form their own continuity and continuing storylines, and
>possibly, their own universe.
Doctor: Drats, they've discovered my plan to replace this
universe with one made entirely of string cheese.
>Can these sexual tendencies on the part of the authors be explained
>as defining new boundaries of Doctor Who literature?
Tom: Or are they just perverted sad wankers?
> Is it justified to have
>Doctor Who
Doctor: THAT IS NOT MY NAME!!!
Tom: They're refering to the series, not you.
Crow: But thanks for the hint!
> going down this path, or are the authors of these
> novels merely
Crow: Disgruntled Battlestar Gallactica fans?
>indulging their own fantasies
Doctor: Like anyone would want to see me naked?
Tom: In this incarnation, how about 99% of female fans?
> and bizarre ideas
Tom (anonymous author): I want to turn the Doctor into a bearded fat
lady, make Benny dance the Lambada with Davros, and have
Ace sleep with a Rugsucker from Mars.
Crow (editor): I like it!
> to an
eager audience
>willing to lap up anything new?
Tom: Let's go.
[all exit theatre]
{*...2...3...4...5...6...}
[SoL-Doctor is spinning his yo-yo, when Tom comes bounding in]
Tom: Yo, Doc, I have a question for you!
Doctor [begins "walking the dog"]: No, my name is not Bond,
James Bond.
Tom: Hmmm...okay, I have another question for you. Do you...do it?
Doctor [stops playing with yo-yo]: Do what?
Tom: The horizontal Macarena. The wiggling Watusi. The sign of the
snogging aardvark. Wink-wink, nudge nudge, know what I mean?
Doctor (confused): No, I don't know what you mean.
Tom: Hmmm, how do I say this without upping the rating to
TV-M? Oh, I know. Are you a version?
Doctor: Version of what?
Servo: Oh, for crying out loud! DO YOU HAVE SEX?!
Doctor: Oh! Well, let me put it like this (leans in close, starts
whipsering. Servo shakes in surprise) There, that
answer your question? Good! (walks off)
Tom (surprised): So *that's* what the Sonic Screwdriver's for!
[lights and sirens]
Tom: WE'VE GOT NET.STUPIDITY SIGN!!!
{6...5...4...3...2...*}