WT-103: Magic Holidays [2/3]
The_First_Delta_Knight
MIKE: [to camera] Hi everyone. It's Mike, on the Satellite of Love. We're- [he
freezes abruptly. SERVO remains motionless. CROW moves up on the desk]
CROW: [to camera, in a reflective, slightly monotone voice] Strange clouds
flowing in and out... I feel a presence... what does this remind me of...? The
walls of the ship... could they be hiding a secret...? Look at them, those
foolish imps. Never do they realize... they keep going on... going on in their
lives... [he pauses,and steps back]
MIKE: [to camera] See, Crow has decided that our life is nothing more than a
Strange Interlude. It's quite... surreal... [slowly goes into a monotone like
CROW'S] watching him go on... he's an odd little fellow... never could figure
him out... he's always been an enigmatic presence... always seen... rarely
felt... felt in the same way that one feels a loved one... double entendres were
always his true love... like the one just before now... [pauses and steps back]
[regains his control] The hell!?
CROW: [to MIKE] See? I told you so. Life... [goes into the monotone] is nothing
more... yellow light begins flashing] nothing more than a Strange Interlude...
Strange Interludes in the sands of time...
[Cut to the MST3k Moon]
CROW: [over the Moon] The sands of time are yellowing... yellowing amongst their
collective souls... yellow... an appropriate color for time...
[Commercials]
[Return]
[CROW is in the middle of a Strange Interlude, presumably the same one]
CROW: ...cowards have always been with us... from the beginning... from biblical
creation... so many people have their own doubting ideas... of how it all
began... life goes on...
[SERVO abruptly comes out of his freeze]
SERVO: Crow, who are you kidding? SNAP OUT OF IT!
[Red light begins flashing]
CROW: [in the monotone] That light... it has always been a foreboding
presence... like a-
[DEEP 13]
[DR. F in front of camera]
DR. F: [to camera] Well, Nellyson, it's a pleasure to see you. Really, it is.
And do you know why?
[SOL]
MIKE: [to camera, as CROW continues his Interlude] I'd guess, but Crow here is
in the
middle of a little Interlude...
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: He'll have plenty of time to Interlude after today. The reason I'm so
happy to see you, my friend, is because today I have an EXTRA painful fanfic for
you. Enjoy our double helping of The Crystal Knight with "Pretty Soldier Sailor
Moon: Magic Holidays" and two parts of a serial, "Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon:
Crystal Sailors." Toodle-oo. Frank?
[FRANK enters from offscreen right. He's dressed in a frog-suit.]
FRANK: Yes?
DR. F: Frank, what's with the-
FRANK: Frog suit?
DR. F: Yes.
FRANK: Virtual Mario Brothers Three.
DR. F: [obviously not understanding] Oh, of course. Push the button.
FRANK: Certainly, Bowser.
DR. F: Clayton.
FRANK: Heh, sorry, Steve. [pushes the button]
[SOL]
[lights flashing, but no siren.]
CROW: [still at it] Fanfic sign... sign of a thousand omens... quickly we
rush... to the theater... as we so often say... [snaps out of it] FANFIC
SIGN!!!!!!!
[6...5...4...3...2...1... THEATER]
[they enter the Theater, taking their seats]
>
> The quest for Princess Crystallina begins!
CROW: And, hopefully, ends. SOON.
MIKE: [To CROW] Glad to see that you've snapped out of it.
CROW: Out of what?
MIKE: [begins to explain] Why, the-- Oh, never mind.
>
> Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon:Crystal Sailors
> Episode:01
> "Rise of the Ice Kingdom!"
> Part 1 of 3.
MIKE: Oh, a three part serial. Doctor F, you're slipping.
> By Wh...@aol.com
> ********************************************************************
SERVO: What is it with Sailor Moon fanfics and Asterisks?
> It was a Beautiful day at the park in Tokyo. Mamoru held his Princess Usagi
MIKE: Wow, fourteen words into the fic, and ALREADY we see a slight double
entendre.
> in his harms.
SERVO: Additional writing supplied by Manuel.
CROW: (Manuel) Is Siberian HA-mstah!
> Mamoru: "Oh, I love you so much Tsukino Usagi! When I am with you Usagi, I
> feel the energy coming from you! I love my girl with those Odango's!"
MIKE: Our double-entendre count is now at two.
> Usagi's
> cheeks turned rosey red
> in delight. Usagi smiled at Mamoru.
> Usagi: "When I am with you Mamoru I feel the power growing inside you!
CROW: This story is just one continuous sexual double-entendre!
> Do you
> really love me Mamoru?"
SERVO: (Mamoru) Not as much as I do myself.
> Mamoru: "Yes I do." Suddenly it got real cold. It was highly unlikely for this
> time of year. Mamoru and Usagi watched as
> two villainous monsters appeared.
MIKE: As opposed to... angelic monsters?
> Morgoth: "We have a mission from the Ice Titan.
CROW: (Morgoth) We must seek out and destroy horribly contrived romances.
> We must find and defeat Sailor
> Moon!" Then the villains vanished.
SERVO: [laughing] Well, thanks for your time, bad guys...
> Mamoru turned to Usagi and said.
> Mamoru: "We must rally the others!"
> Usagi: "Right Mamoru!"
>
> At Rei's temple, Luna, Artimus, the five Sailor Soldiers and even Mamoru
MIKE: *Even* Mamoru!? Wow.
> were
> at the temple discussing what Usagi and Mamoru had seen!
> Luna: "Why Sailor Moon?"
CROW: [sarcastic] That requires a thoughtful answer.
> Mamoru: "Maybe because she is the Moon Princess Serenity."
CROW: And there was the thoughtful answer.
> Usagi: "Why would they be after me?"
MIKE: Maybe because... you're the Moon Princess Serenity?
> It was a mystery to everyone!
CROW: Including the author.
> Artemis: "Usagi, you must be careful when you fight. They want you for some
> reason and they won't say why! You must be on guard! Understand?"
SERVO: Not in the least.
> Usagi: "Yes."
MIKE: (Usagi, exaggerated falsetto) But why are they after me?
CROW: (Mamoru) Because you're the Moon Princess Serenity.
MIKE: (same tone as before) But why are they after me?
CROW: Because you're the Moon Princess.
MIKE: (same tone) But why--
SERVO: [suddenly erupting] WILL YOU SHUT UP?!
MIKE: [to SERVO] Well, *you're* on edge...
>
> Meanwhile at the Ice Titan's palace,
> Morgoth and Belogore were in front of the Ice Titan.
> Morgoth: "You wanted us master?"
SERVO: (In a deadpan) Boy do I ever.
> Ice Titan: "Yes Morgoth. Sailor Moon will fight you today at 3 this afternoon.
MIKE: You know, if they'd have waited four hours they would be in a better time
slot...
> Make sure she stays alone.You must defeat her! We can't let the Princess win
> any fights! She had sealed
> me once, defeat Usagi, kill her. Understand?"
SERVO: Not in the least.
> Morgoth: "Yes master! I will send Robosnoid to begin a search for Sailor Moon.
> Robosnoid come forth!"
CROW: No, Robosnoid came...
[MIKE turns to CROW and stares.]
CROW: ...err, forth earlier.
> Morgoth and Robosnoid left for Tokyo.
SERVO: --To participate in the Pride march.
>
> Soon Robosnoid was at the location that Sailor Moon would appear. Meanwhile,
> Usagi and Mamoru were having a romantic dinner at Mamoru's apartment.
MIKE: Oh, well, enough of the rising conflict.
> Suddenly
> Mamoru
> got the strangest feeling.
CROW: [to Mamoru] That means you like her.
> Mamoru: "I don't know how I know Usagi,
SERVO: I'll take, "artistic license" for $200.
CROW: "Artistic" and the Crystal Knight shouldn't ever be associated with each
other.
> but a monster has
> appeared near here searching for you!"
> Usagi: "What do I do Mamoru?"
MIKE: [to Usagi] Do what the United States would do - begin a propaganda
crusade.
> Mamoru: "I think you have to fight this battle, Usagi. I can't explain how,
SERVO: [coughing] Creative license!
CROW: Nope, sorry, "creative" shouldn't be used with the Crystal Knight, either.
> but you will win this battle. You will be badly hurt though."
MIKE: So, apparently, the Crystal Knight cares nothing for *surprises* in his
work.
CROW: Sorry, "work" and Crystal Knight-
SERVO: [to CROW] Oh, shut UP.
> Usagi: "Then I must go."
CROW: So this chick has a thing for pain?
> Mamoru was worried.
> Mamoru: "Be careful my sweet girl with those Odango's!"
SERVO: [to MIKE] You know, all these months of joking... but what in the heck is
an Odango?
MIKE: [thoughtfully] I haven't a clue.
> Usagi smiles slightly.
CROW: "Mamoru *was* worried?" "Usagi *smiles* slightly?" Choose a tense and
STICK WITH IT!
SERVO: It would also help if he'd stop bouncing from script to prose.
> Usagi: "I will. Moon Crystal Power! Make Up!" Usagi transforms into Sailor
> Moon and vanishes.
>
> At the park, Robosnoid was destroying everything in sight!
CROW: [falsely] Wow!
> Sailor Moon appeared!
CROW: [falsely] Really!?
> Sailor Moon: "In the name of the Moon....I will punish you! I will triumph
> over evil and that means YOU!"
CROW: [falsely excited, to MIKE] Wow, this is *excitment!*
>
> Robosnoid laughed but didn't say anything. Rpbosnoid threw ice crystals
MIKE: Ahh, there are times where Ice Crystals speak louder than words.
> at
> Sailor Moon. Sailor Moon fell to the ground in pain, but not yelling out.
CROW: [falsely excited tone] Wow, she isn't yelling out!
> Morgoth didn't know why Sailor Moon didn't cry out in pain.
SERVO: Really, is the lack of a pain exclamation *that* important!?
> Robosnoid went and
> picked up Sailor Moon and threw her down with a strong force!
CROW: [falsely excited] Oooh, a strong force! Look out, Sailor Moon!
> Sailor Moon
> still didn't cry out in pain no matter how bad she felt.
MIKE: (Sailor Moon) Just pretend this isn't happening... I'm not here, this
isn't happening.
> Morgoth and Robosnoid
> combined their powers
> and blasted Sailor Moon. Then Tuxedo Kamen and the Sailor
> Soldiers
CROW: Wow, now *tell* me this isn't a 50's music group!
> appeared.
>
> Sailor Moon was in a lot of pain. Sailor Moon started to bleeding, she got up
> and said,
SERVO: (Sailor Moon) I quit.
> Sailor Moon: "I will defeat you!"
> Morgoth just watched as he stared at Sailor Moon as she got up.
MIKE: --As he breathed in the air as it was intended to be used as a tool as as
as.
> Sailor Moon: "No one can defeat me. Moon scepter Elimination!" Robosnoid was
> toast.
CROW: Oh, now come on... why didn't she just do this to begin with?!
> Morgoth disappeared as
> Sailor Moon fainted. Tuxedo Kamen caught her before she hit the ground.
> Everyone rushed by her side. Mamoru was weeping.
SERVO: (Mamoru) Boo-hoo-hoo! Who will pacify my massive ego?
>The others was wondering if
> Sailor Moon would make a full recovery. Sailor Moon won this round.
MIKE: [incredulously] She's passed out, battered, and bruised, and she *won!?*
> The next
> round was unsure. That will be a story for another time.
CROW: I can hardly wait.
>
> NEXT EPISODE: "IMPERIUM SILVER CRYSTAL DESTROYED!"
SERVO: Well, Crystal Knight, now that you've given away the surprise, do you
*have* to
tell the story?
[commercials]
>
> Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon:Crystal Sailors
> Episode:02
MIKE: At least they're short.
> "Imperium Silver Crystal Destroyed!"
> Part 2 of 3.
> By Wh...@aol.com
> ********************************************************************
> Sailor Moon was now at Rei's temple. Mamoru started meditating over Sailor
> Moon. Sailor Moon was unconscious and still bleeding.
SERVO: Ladies and gentlemen, the *victorious* Sailor Moon.
> Sailor Moon had lost a
> lot of blood. Mamoru had everyone concentrate on meditating
> on Sailor Moon.
MIKE: [nodding] Yep, whenever I need to stop gushing streams of blood,
meditation is the first tactic I think of.
> Mamoru: "We need to put any bad feelings that you may have about each other
> and concentrate on our dear friend. Okay?"
CROW: (random person) No! I hate you all!
> Everyone nodded in reply. Everyone began to concentrate
> on Sailor Moon. It was working. Sailor Moon woke up and saw her friends all
> around her and she said...
SERVO: (Sailor Moon) Get AWAY from me, you freaks!
> Sailor Moon: "What happened?"
CROW: [to MIKE] Yeah. What exactly happened?
MIKE: I don't know.
SERVO: [to MIKE] You're not alone.
> Mamoru: "You were hurt bad by Robpsnoid and Morgoth."
> Sailor Moon started crying.
MIKE: (Sailor Moon) Boo-hoo-hoo! I don't know what's going on!
> She was still in pain, but not as bad.
CROW: No as bad as *whom?*
> Sailor Moon: "Thanks for saving and helping me." Saving their leader, Sailor
> Moon, meant a lot to Sailor Moon for what they did for her.
> Sailor Moon: "One day my friends, I shall repay the favor!" promised Sailor
> Moon. Everyone was glad that Sailor Moon was going to be okay.
SERVO: Did this guy's English teacher have a problem with the word "she?"
>
> Meanwhile at the Ice Titan's palace...
> The Ice Titan said...
CROW: [as if to Crystal Knight] Will you get *on* with the damn story!?!?!!
> Ice Titan: "Why did you let Sailor Moon win? You were to kill
> her. Why?"
MIKE: (Morgoth) Because you told me to kill her. Sheesh.
> Morgoth: "I thought I had defeated her, but she was very strong and wasn't
> screaming in pain. No one could have survived that attack. She must have some
> power source that protects her from dying."
CROW: Oh, she must be using Renewal... the little *fox!*
> Ice Titan: "Sailor Moon's broach must be destroyed! It's the source of her
> power and strength and maybe we can defeat her. Also send down Roboweed!"
SERVO: (Ice Titan) And some Morojuana.
> Morgoth: "Yes Master!"
> Morgoth and Belogore left right away.
MIKE: Belogore? Was this one of his lesser known cameo appearances?
CROW: [to MIKE] I hear he died during the writing, and this was the only scene
left...
>
> At the Arcade Center, Usagi was still recovering. Mamoru was with her.
> Mamoru: "I am glad that you are okay Usagi!"
SERVO: [singing] Plastic people... oh, baby, now you're such a drag...
> Usagi: "Am I Mamoru? I sense that I will only get worse Mamoru. What ever
> happens you must be strong!
MIKE: Wow, ladies and gentlemen, an *actual second person pronoun!*
[CROW and SERVO gasp in astonishment]
> I may not survive the next fight." Usagi predicted
> her near future to Mamoru. Mamoru was in disbelief, but Mamoru had a vision of
> his own.
> Mamoru: "You will win the next fight, but without using your powers of your
> broach."
SERVO: [after the scene stops] Well, Mamoru... thanks for the input...
> Mamoru and Usagi left the Arcade Center. Usagi decided to go to home, for she
> needed some rest. On the way home, she saw Naru and Umino and joined then.
> Naru: "You don't look good Usagi!"
CROW: (Usagi) Beauty is only skin-deep, slut.
> Umino: "You should have a doctor look at your wounds."
> But Usagi didn't say anything to Naru and Umino nor was she listening to them.
> She was thinking about the last fight.
>
> Roboweed, Belogore and Morgoth suddenly appeared and started to destroy
> everything.
MIKE: Oh, well, so much for that serene scene...
> Usagi knew that she was surrounded by all three monsters. She knew
> that they would need her help.
SERVO: So... Usagi is helping the *monsters?*
>So Usagi told Naru and Umino,
> Usagi: "Leave this fight to me! I will protect you!"
> Naru and Umino: "How?"
CROW: (Usagi) Magic elves!
> Usagi: "I am Sailor Moon! I fight for my friends, for love and justice."
MIKE: Obviously, she hasn't read "How to Win Friends and Influence People."
> Naru and Umino: "You are?"
> Usagi: "Yes." Usagi takes her broach off from her school uniform.
> Usagi: "Moon Crystal Power!" Usagi transformed into Sailor Moon.
>
> Naru and Umino were in shock, but let Sailor Moon through.
> All three monsters started attacking Sailor Moon. They all combined their
> powers and blasted Sailor Moon. They blasted Sailor Moon again and again until
> Sailor Moon's broach breaks.
SERVO: So she's dead?
[they all cheer]
> The Imperium Silver Crystal hits the ground and
> explodes! Sailor Moon is transformed back into Usagi.
SERVO: Oh, well. [he sighs]
> The three monsters
CROW: [to MIKE] So just who are these guys, in relation to one another?
> concentrate their powers for one big blast. They send it
> towards Usagi.
SERVO: Okay, okay, GET ON WITH IT!
> Usagi falls to the ground
> in pain, but not making any sound. Morgoth, Belogore and Roboweed continue to
> blast Usagi.
MIKE: So, let's see... in this corner we have a teenage schoolgirl without her
superpowers... and in *this* corner we have three, huge, pissed monsters. Close
battle?
> Naru and Umino just stood there and stare at the battle and see
> in horror that their friend is being hurt.
CROW: (Naru) Hey, *I* wanted to kick her ass!
>The Monsters continue their attack.
> Usagi still doesn't cry out in pain.
SERVO: Yeah, yeah, yeah... big yawn...
> All three monsters combined their power
> to you the Ice Kingdom blast! No one has ever survived the Ice Kingdom blast
> before.
MIKE: [to BOTS] You know and I know that Usagi is going to chant one phrase and
reduce all
these monsters to quivering heaps in five seconds.
>
> The three monsters sends the Ice Kingdom Blast. Usagi is hurt even more. The
> pain intensifies as the attack increases.
CROW: Umm, are we supposed to *care?*
> Usagi's wounds begins to bleed all
> over again. Usagi is bleeding very badly, but she soon gets on her feet and
> plans a body attack on Roboweed. Usagi knows the danger that she may die from
> the body attack. Usagi knows that this body attack may kill her!
MIKE: Yes, friends, once again, remember: Exclamation points equal suspense.
> Her friends
> beg her not to do it, but she has no choice and starts the body attack. Usagi
> uses every ounce of strength that she has leeft
CROW: [Ren Hoek] The Eeediot.
> and defeats Roboweed, but
> victory comes with a big price.
> Usagi falls to the ground in pain and unconscious. Naru and Umino begins
> weeping over their dear friend Usagi as sh begins to die.
[they all cheer]
MIKE: Finally! No more embarrassing dialogue!
SERVO: Or cheesy plot!
CROW: Or random words causing fights to end!
[all cheer again]
>
> Finally Tuxedo Kamen and the Sailor Soldiers has arrived at the scene. Tuxedo
> Kamen weeps over usagi.
MIKE: [to bots] Just imagine... all his vain, egotistical snot is going all over
her at
this very moment...
[they all shudder]
> Tuxedo Kamen: "We must save her! We must save her! I had no idea that she was
> going to die."
CROW: [to MIKE] Am I crazy, or do I distinctly remember the line, "I may not
survive the
next fight?"
MIKE: [to CROW] Yes, and yes.
> Usagi's lifeforce grows weaker. He rallies the others together
> to start meditating , they concentrate on saving her, but it's not working.
> It was too late. Usagi was already dead.
SERVO: So was this a two-part serial?
> Tuxedo Kamen begins to start weeping
> over the body of the only one he had truely cared and loved for. Then Usagi's
> dead body disappears. Tuxedo Kamen is now weeping even more bitterly.
MIKE: [Kamen] Who else will kiss my egotistical butt? [sobs]
> The
> others try to comfort Tuxedo Kamen, but he refuses to be comforted. With Usagi
> dead, the others know that they can't
> win the fight without usagi.
CROW: So, what, they don't know how to chant random, enemy killing words?
>
> NEXT EPISODE: "Power Up! Crystal Sailor Moon!"
MIKE: Umm... how can it go on?
CROW: Maybe it doesn't. Come on, let's leave.
[1...2...3...4...5...6... SOL]
[MIKE and the bots are standing behind the desk. CROW is wearing eyeglasses and
has a bunch of papers in front of him.]
MIKE: [to CROW] So, how's that new short story of yours coming along?
CROW: Very, very swiftly.
SERVO: Just what is it about, anyway?
CROW: Well, drawing inspiration from the previous story, I decided to write a
Sailor Moon fanfic.
SERVO: No!
MIKE: The horror!
CROW: Hey, don't knock it until you've read it. I've gone through a lot of
trouble to make it shine. Here, let me read it. Mike, if you will?
[CROW gestures to the papers in front of him. MIKE takes one and holds it in
front of CROW'S face]
CROW: Sailor Moon: Power Up! Mega Waffles!
Once upon a midnight weary, several incredibly annoying schoolchildren were
conceived. One of these children was very insignificant and Japanese, and her
parents, in a fit of rage, decided to give her a name to suit her bland,
Japanese, boring roots. They named her Usagi. Anyway, for a reason which most of
the people who watch the show don't know, and I myself don't care, Usagi was
also a character called Sailor Moon, who, despite her charming superpowers, was
still very boring and Japanese. She showed a lot of leg all the time, however,
thus causing *several* men to grow fond of her.
One day all the Japanese schoolchildren were going to cram school, to learn
how to speak English and make horrible monster movies. Anyway, after a long
subway ride, during which Usagi was pinched twenty-four times by horny Japanese
men who watched her violent porn-cartoon religiously, they all finally arrived
at the school. Usagi was a real *stupid* Japanese person, which meant that she
only understood *twenty* mathematical concepts. During school some monsters
appeared, for no reason other to give Usagi an excuse to jump around in
revealing clothing. The story will now switch to script to make the battle seem
more Japanese.
Usagi: Moon Crystal: POWER!
Usagi transformed into her disgustingly bland alter-ego, Sailor Moon.
Robosniod: We know who you are Usagi and we will now kill you.
The monsters didn't use commas, because they were Japanese.
Sailor Moon: Moon duster psycho-dingle whim-bang inlikeFlint Fatty Arbuckle
WHAM!
Unfortunately, Sailor Moon's long phrase was the wrong long phrase, and didn't
do anything. The monsters finally stopped taunting and painfully mutilated
Sailor Moon's annoyingly smug, disproportionately full-breasted body. Then they
went and killed her self-loving, narcissistic, vain, egotistical ignorant JERK
of a boyfriend who constantly used the word "Odango," which nobody understood
because it was a *stupid* Japanese word. Even though the stupid fanfics are
always in English, he still decides to use that *one* word to show off his
knowledge of the *stupid* Japanese language! Who *cares* about Japanese? Learn
English or die, I always say. For that matter, what is the big deal about Japan?
Sure, they have a lot of monsters there, but let's face it: Japan really sucks.
The monsters decided to smash some Japanese pachinko parlors, killing thousands
of Japanese all crammed together in the disgustingly crowded streets of that
*stupid* city, Tokyo. Then--
MIKE: [cutting him off] Well, I detect a slight editorial stance in your work...
anyway, [to camera] we'll be right back.
CROW: Hey, but I wasn't even done with the first part! There's fifty-four more!
[commercials]
[Theater. They take their seats]
>
>
>
> Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon:Crystal Sailors:Magical Holidays! [PG-13]
SERVO: Okay, that was the story. Let's go.
> Episode Title: "Crystallina's Magical Christmas!"
> By Wh...@aol.com the Crystal Knight! The Royal Historian of the Crystal Moon
> Princess Crystallina!
> **********************************************************************
> Disclaimer: Crystal Sailors is a fan fiction by me. You can ask for links
MIKE: People are actually going to *ask* to link to this crap? If I were him I'd
take all
the links I could get.
> by
> e-mailing me at:
> for AOL users:
> Wh...@aol.com
CROW: It figures he uses AOL.
MIKE: [incredulously] How can you *say* that? Several intelligent people use it!
Sampo, for instance.
CROW: For every Sampo, there must be a Crystal Knight.
> For internet users for people that are not on AOL:
> roo...@rickadee.net
> crystall...@hotmail.com.
> Note: This special fan fic of Crystal Sailors will been seen through the eyes
> of Crystallina and what she sees.
SERVO: [continuing the note] Crystallina is a blind, deaf albino.
> Enjoy and
> happy holidays! Enjoy the Picture download too! Now on to the story!
> **********************************************************************
> Join the Ultra Crystal Sailors Mailing List for the Ultra Crystal Sailors
Fan Fiction Now! Otherwise you will miss all the new stories coming soon.
SERVO: Is that a promise?
> If
> you change Screen names(E-Mail)Please let me know so I can update! Now on to
> the story!
MIKE: You mean that this riveting dialogue is only the *beginning!?*
> **********************************************************************
> ULTRA CRYSTAL SAILORS! COMING SOON:***2-1998!***
> **********************************************************************
> Today on Crystal Sailors: "It's Christmas time and the Crystal Sailors and
> myself prepare for Christmas and I get an unusual request from a familar guy.
CROW: So. We have a slash*lemon self-insertation fic.
MIKE: Oh, God forbid!
> Stay there and Join in on the fun!"
SERVO: Was the Crystal Knight being paid by the innuendo?
> ********************************************************************
> I was sitting on my bed. It was Early Christmas eve morning.
CROW: So it was early on the morning of Christmas Eve?
MIKE: Seems so...
CROW: [to MIKE] Kill me. Please.
> I was still half asleep. EchoHeart came knocked at the entrance to my chamber
MIKE: [hushed tone] Oh, the Echo Heart came a-rapping, as I was merely napping,
the Echo Heart came tapping, rapping at my chamber door...
> of the Crystal Moon Palace, I told him to come in.
> Princess Crystallina: "Come in." I told him.
SERVO: Yeah, Crystallina! That's telling him! Don't let him get away with it!
> EchoHeart: "Thanks. How are you today sweetheart?"
> Princess Crystallina: "I am fine, just a little groggy!"
> EchoHeart: "What are you going to do today?"
CROW: I get the feeling both of these two are sterilized.
> Princess Crystallina: "Maybe help Makoto and the others prepare for the huge
> Christmas party."
> EchoHeart: "Well I will see you later sweetheart."
> I felt him come up to me and I felt hislips touch mine. I
> closed my emerald green eyes and I felt him kiss me. Then I opened my eyes
> again
MIKE: (Princess) --Then I felt him kiss me. Breathed, felt him kiss me, blinked,
felt...
> and I saw his smile. I saw that he was pleased with me. Then I heard him
> speak...
> EchoHeart: "I love you Usako!"
> Princess Crystallina: "Arigato Mamo-chan, Arigato!
SERVO: [startled] Whoa, since when is she Italian?
MIKE: What!?
SERVO: Arigato...
MIKE: Umm, Servo... that's not Italian.
SERVO: [snapping] Oh, so you're saying that just because it isn't Italian I'm
wrong? Bite me,
Mike, bite me long and hard.
MIKE: Whoa... a little touchy today?
> I love you
> too!"
> EchoHeart: "Bye Usako, my Princess!"
> Princess Crystallina: "Bye Echoheart!"
CROW: (Princess) --my slave.
> I watched him leave.
MIKE: (Princess) Hmm, wonder who *that* was.
> Then I got up from the bed and headed
> to the Palace Kitchen. I saw Makoto, Naru, Rei, Karla Winston and Sarah my
> sister all working in the kitchen.
CROW: (Princess) I also saw Skippy. My invisible friend.
> I went up to Makoto and starting watching
> her. I also put one
> of my long wings around Makoto.
SERVO: [to others] Oh, get this, she's going to tap her on one shoulder and pop
out from the other... it's a *riot!*
>I spoke up.
> Princess Crystallina: "Hi, what are you making Makoto?"
> Makoto: "Fudge."
CROW: Makato - Fudge Packin', Satan Worshippin Mother-
[MIKE turns to CROW and stares]
CROW: --of Invention.
> Princess Crystallina: "Anything I can help you with?"
> Makoto: "No Crystallina, we are doing fine."
MIKE: [to others] Heh, I'll bet she's doing a *lot* more than "fine..."
> Princess Crystallina: "Well I will be nearby if you need me."
> I went out of the kitchen and saw Travis and Jonathan putting up decorations.
> Princess Crystallina: "Can I help you two?"
> Jonathan: "We under control, sis. Thanks anyway."
SERVO: (Jonathan) Are they packing fudge in there? Hook me up with some.
> Princess Crystallina: "Okay. Bye for now." I said very
> disapointed voice. I went outside to get some fresh air and I could hear some
> bells coming closer and getting louder. I saw a sleigh land right in front of
> the Crystal Moon Palace.
MIKE: Aww, they're making heroin for Santa... that's L.A. for you.
> I saw the man get out of the Sleigh. I saw he was introducing himself to me.
CROW: (Princess) Due to the inordinate amount of dolphin meat and Makatos
homemade "fudge"
that I had consumed, I was having another out-of-body experience at the time.
> Santa Claus: "Hello, I am looking for a Princess named Crystallina, are you
> her?" I answered the man in red and white.
SERVO: Oh, so she's one of the *Sunday* comics. Geddit?
[MIKE and CROW groan]
> Princess Crystallina: "Yes, I am her why?"
MIKE: (Santa, deep bass) I couldn't help but smell the 'fudge' you guys were
making.
> Santa Claus: "My name is Kris Kringle, other wise known as
> Santa Claus. I need your help. Will you help me?"
CROW: [singing] S-A-N-T-A, C-L-A-U-S, hooray for Santy Claus!
> Princess Crystallina: "I guess, How can I help."
> Santa Claus: "I have a problem. Tonight is to be a terrible stormy conditions
SERVO: Oh, come on, it didn't stop him during the blizzard of '83.
> and I need you help me get my sleigh team all around the world. Will you help
> me?"
MIKE: Oh, so she's going to be harnessed to the sled.
[they all cheer]
> Princess Crystallina: "Can Rudolph help?"
> Rudolph: "I am not that powerful as you might think."
CROW: Oh, so I guess Rudolph sneaked up on them to deliver that line.
> Princess Crystallina: "I will help. How may I help you?"
> Santa Claus: "Light the way for my team."
SERVO: Umm, Santa, she isn't a firefly... though she looks like a Teasdale.
> Princess Crystallina: "I can make myself glow in
> the darkness at a safe level where my energy is not drained."
> Santa Claus: "That's good, then you'll do it?"
MIKE: (Princess) How can I help?
> Princess Crystallina: "If it's okay with my court."
> Rei: "Go ahead, we'll be ok here."
> Princess Crystallina: "Thanks. Let's go."
> Santa Claus: "Ok, shall we go?"
[SERVO suddenly screams]
SERVO: ARGGGGHHHH! Make them stop!
> Princess Crystallina: "Yes."
CROW: (Princess) So how can I help?
> I got in the sleigh and we went to the north pole
> and it didn't take long for us to get there. Once there we went inside and we
> prepared for a long journey.
MIKE: (Princess) Darnit, I forgot to bring my fudge.
> Soon it was time to leave. I was told to fly
> ahead and light the way.
SERVO: (Princess) It wouldn't be any problem, due to all the fudge I, ahem,
"ate."
> I decided to use the Pink Crystal. The Pink Crystal
> began to glow brightly and I too was glowing right along with it.
MIKE: [Singing, first word crammed in] Crystillina in the sky-y, with
crystals...
> Then I took
> off before the sleigh and we went all around the world and we delivered all
> the toys for all the children,
CROW: So, ahh, what exactly was the "point" of this little scene?
MIKE: Well, they needed an "R" rating, so they included the fudge packing.
>then early the next morning Santa Claus took
> the Princess back to the Crystal Moon Palace and dropped her off.
SERVO: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold it right there... this is a FIRST PERSON story.
> And he went
> back to the north pole.
>
> Later that morning The Crystal Sailors had all pooled their money and had
> something put on a wall in the throne room.
CROW: Wanted: Princess Crystallina. Dead or alive.
> They unveiled it, it was a
> Mural(painting)that had me and my court. I had decided to speak.
SERVO: What a piece of crap.
> Princess Crystallina: "Thanks, it's very nice."
> Rei: "Your welcome. You deserve it."
> I decided to go out side. My court followed. I raised my hand in the air and
> made it snow.
> Princess Crystallina: "That's my gift to you."
CROW: (EchoHeart) Why's it yellow?
> EchoHeart: "Thanks. Sweetheart."
> Princess Crystallina: "Your welcome and you all mean a lot to me." With that
> we had a good Christmas without fighting evil. This would be a
> Christmas to remember for years to come for the Crystal Sailors.
>
> The End.
MIKE: WHAT!? That's it!?
CROW: --I mean, Crystal Knight, WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT HORRIBLE STORY!?
SERVO: Were we supposed to be thinking, "Wow, how poetic"?
MIKE: Or "What an amazing departure?"
CROW: Yeah, or "What a piece of godawful crap--
MIKE: Crow...
CROW: Heh, sorry, not in the spirit.
[commercials]