More Fambly
John Iwaniszek
I have a special purpose in mind. It's a sort of tribute to my Cousin
Steve, as well as a clearing of the air for the benefit of the readers of
his weblog. Farscape people need not read further unless slow moving
trainwrecks hold a special fascination for you.
Steve and I are estranged now since his heart attack a few years ago, but
some things he has written on his blog recently lead me to the
inescapable conclusion that the guy I loved and thought of as a brother
really harbored a festering resentment of me and my immediate family.
His weblog (http://monkeymucker.blogspot.com/) is an eclectic mix of
campy items he has collected from print media ephemera, amusing fabulist
stories, shaggy dog stories, and his own political rants. Among these
items he has posted several heartbreaking pieces in tribute to his
mother, father, sisters, and brother (all since passed).
He has one surviving brother who he has not devoted a piece to, but who
he mentions once in passing. The items about his parents were remarkable
eulogies to people who otherwise would not be so honored and he treats
them with great respect and affection, as is their due.
The pictures of his mother and sisters are works of art probably shot and
printed by his father in the fifties and sixties. They should be seen by
all because of their remarkable composition and the vivaciousness of
their subjects.
Go here for some of them as well as the usual collection of family
photos:
http://tinyurl.com/monkeymucker-sandy
http://tinyurl.com/monkeymucker-linda
Other pictures exist in his flickr account:
http://tinyurl.com/monkeymucker-family-flickr
Steve is a brilliant, creative person who is a complex mix of passion,
humor, bitterness, and anger. Like with any person you feel affection
for, you take the good with the bad. His sense of humor can be quite
biting at times. Cruel, even. You can see it in two posts from this
past week were he ridicules a less than beautiful couple and in the way
he uses the picture of a disabled carny to make a (mostly clever)
political joke.
We (his cousins) are very proud of him and have followed his avocation of
acting, stand-up comedy and painting as closely as he would let us. He is
a published writer of mysteries and has won some magazine awards for his
short stories. He is firmly embedded in his community and has legions of
friends and readers who follow him very closely.
His is brilliant, but (as you will see later) he is also forgetful. If
you have the patience, read this post (http://tinyurl.com/monkeymucker-
filet-mignon) where he describes his early life living in the Redford, (a
suburb of Detroit) projects and the poverty he was born into. I think
that it is clear that his family experienced some serious deprivation and
this led to a strong feeling on his part of food insecurity that haunted
him for some time.
He describes a happy, if troubled existence in the projects. His family
was stalked by poverty, death, mental illness, and family violence, but
he (as any son would) remembers the good times and honors his parents and
siblings with a graceful pen. I spent Christmas breaks with them and I
always enjoyed my visits. My cousins were like rare butterflies to me
and I loved them dearly and were fascinated by the stories they told and
their apparent (and relative) sophistication. They were from the city
and I was from the country. I was a bumpkin who treasured going to the
big city to ride the buses, walk the streets and play in the urban parks
and shopping centers.
He witnessed the death of his younger sister when they were all merely
crossing the streat to buy some candy. His father was schizophrenic and
his mother and father were eventually divorced. Finally, around 1972,
his mother died and the four remaining children were left with nowhere to
go. Their mother's relatives were unable to care for them and so they
came to live with us.
This is the part where Steve's story diverges from fact. Or more
specifically, key facts are left out. The man and women he refers to as
"Aunt Rageaholic" and "Uncle Adultry" are my mother and father.
At the time of his mother's death, we (the Iwaniszeks) were a family of
four natural sibling and two foster sisters (related to each other, but
not to us). The Hisey girls were teenagers and their oldest sister had
married and move out before the cousins moved in. The remaining two were
semi-transient and lived with us but moved out periodically for reasons I
can't recall. But the upshot is that the Detroit cousins moved into a
family that already had six to seven kids taken care of my mother and
father on our farm in rural Michigan. We also had others come and live
with us and leave (another foster brother, the son of one of my mother's
friends, and a true charity case my mother took in for a year).
Besides characterizing my mother and father by their signal character
flaws (unfair, given the vast set of qualities they possess that made our
home what it was - my mother's cooking, her singing, the sheer herculean
effort she expended to care for so many children, the expansiveness of
her heart and her generosity, and her exhuberance; my father's creativity
and industriousness and his labor to feed, cloth and shelter so many, and
his service in Italy during WWII), Steve maligns my mother by terming her
"greedy" and implies that somehow she was profiting from taking in her
brother's children and raising them.
Their mother didn't work, so it is not clear to me that they qualified
for social security survivor benefits. There may have been some kind of
child welfare payments available in Michigan at the time, but I don't
know what, if any, was available to compensate for the upkeep of four
children recently orphaned. Their father was still alive at that time,
so perhaps he provided some child support when he was working. Whatever
the case, my father (who made no more than 30k a year in the 70s) was the
sole breadwinner for a very large blended family.
I think that the point I am trying to make is that my mother was not
motivated to raise her brother's children because it paid well. It was
out of a sense of fmaily duty and the love that we all had for those kids
we treasured and spent our summers with.
Reading his posts, I can't escape the sense that the cousins harbored
deep resentment towards me and my brothers and sister. They must have
been in terrible pain over the loss of their family and the dependency
that they had no control over. Their lives contained a series of
tragedies not of their own making and the winds of death and madness
buffeted them from all sides. The farm that was supposed to be their
haven was very chaotic at times and we all had to pitch in a make it
work. The sheer logistics of cooking, washing clothes, and keeping so
many children healthy and in school required that the kids perform lots
of the work. I think Steve is forgetting the incredible, almost
halucinatory, good that came from living the lives we had.
We had the freedom (once the work was done) to run wild through the woods
and fields of Michigan (and later, Virginia). Every summer day we
traipsed to the lake to swim or hid out in the woods, or played in the
yard. We put up hay and cared for cows and chickens and grew vegetables
in our garden. The house was crowded and we fought like cats and dogs,
but we were kids and we had the freedom most kids would envy if they even
knew it was possible.
Steve's filet-mignon post is a shaggy dog story structured around its
punch line. It is very likely that my mother did use the comparable
price of filet mignon to illustrate how expensive some of those foods
were to limit portions. But remember we had a huge family and when you
cook for crowds like that, there has to be some restraint on portions.
One way is to pre-plate the food, but we sat family style and passed the
plates and took our portions from the serving platter. It is very easy
to take so much that the last person in line gets nothing so Mom had to
keep a watchful eye on the kids to make sure everyone got a share. If
you haven't lived like this then it is difficult to grasp. There was
plenty of food. It may not have been particularly lavish or luxurious,
but it was good and the cousins were known to brag about it to their
friends and family.
We moved to Jonesville, Virginia in late 1974. I think that was turning
point for our family where we began a descent into fragmentation and
bankruptcy. Yet most of my memories of that period are good. Once again
we found ourselves in an expansive rural setting. The schools were not
the best, but almost all of us made it through and beyond.
When I left for college, I had been preceded by my oldest cousin. He was
expelled for cause (I don't know what the cause was, but I believe it was
academic negligence - failure to attend convocations) and he went on to
the Navy and proceeded to edit himself from our family's lives until
close to his death a few years ago. (Steve's tribute to his brother is
quite nicely written. Charlie is fortunate to have someone who eulegized
him so elequently. I doubt many people will experience a similar honor
in their lives.)
Steve's sister Sandy followed me to Berea, but dropped out in her first
year. Her story is told on Steve's website as well.
My mother was always entrepeneurial. In Michigan she had a catering
service. In Virginia she had a little painting business, and then
established a restaurant. I think that it is true that she somehow came
in to possession of Steve's settlement money (he was the only minor left
in his family under her roof). The other cousins blew through their
money from that settlement, but Steve's was still in the bank. Clearly,
that was not responsible of my mother, but in her defense, she thought
that the restaurant would be a success and that she would be able to pay
Steve back with interest. That's not how it worked out.
In fact, the events that transpired after the restaurant was opened led
to the dissolution of my parent's marriage, their bankruptcy, and my
mother's falling into poverty for several years after. All this time, my
cousin was my mother's dependent, along with my younger brother (now
deceased by his own hand). My mother was able to build a successful
business starting in her sixties and worked until her late seventies.
She is struggling financially now after a disasterous business
miscalculation but she is still working and lives independently. She is
82 and the sole survivor of her side of the family.
So you can see that there is much more to the story about when he and his
sibling were "sent to live with Aunt Rageaholic and Uncle Adultery".
Much he is leaving out either because he forgot or because to leave the
details in would not fit the narrative he is trying to build.
Steve is a brilliant. His creativity is unquestionable. He has the
makings of a great writer. It is sad that he feels the need to cut off
so much of his childhood and to derogate the people who raised him and
the family who loves him. That he does it so easily and publically is a
shock to me and my sister. I can only hope that my mother never sees it.
I want this estrangement to end. My sister and I have reached out with
Christmas cards and gifts, but he doesn't seem responsive to our attempts
to continue to include him in our family, if only to get a civil note in
the mail or an occasional telephone call. I doubt that this post will
help in that endeavor, but I can't let his mischaracterization of our
family stand with out rebuttal.
Thank you for your patience with my family drama. But without drama,
what would families be?
Jim Larson
Woah...don't really know what to say other than to note that both your
summation and your cousins blog make for pretty compelling reading. So thanks
for sharing on both counts.
(By the way, that blog could have been written by, you know, YOU. What up
wit dat?)
--
Jim
John Iwaniszek
> John Iwaniszek wrote:
>
>> It's been a long time since this board has been used for long pieces,
>
> Woah...don't really know what to say other than to note that both your
> summation and your cousins blog make for pretty compelling reading. So
> thanks for sharing on both counts.
Thanks for reading, Jim. There's way more, but I just wanted to get a long
piece out somewhere I could link to when I need to make my case to him and
his readers.
In the words of Curtis Blow, "There's eight million stories in the naked
city."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kLqIhkidPGA
>
> (By the way, that blog could have been written by, you know, YOU. What
> up wit dat?)
>
It's weird, isn't it? I've had a similar experience recently with my
contemporaries from Berea College. It would seem that we share a similar
body of knowledge as well as mindset.
John Iwaniszek
Also: Steve is waaaayyyy smarter than me.
Jim Larson
(The comment was in regard to outlook rather than content. I leave the
assessment of relative smartitudinositousness between you and your cousin to
those who in a position to judge.)
--
Jim
Jim Larson
> Jim Larson wrote:
>
>> John Iwaniszek wrote:
>>
>>> It's been a long time since this board has been used for long pieces,
>
>
>>
>> Woah...don't really know what to say other than to note that both your
>> summation and your cousins blog make for pretty compelling reading. So
>> thanks for sharing on both counts.
>
> Thanks for reading, Jim. There's way more, but I just wanted to get a
> long piece out somewhere I could link to when I need to make my case to
> him and his readers.
>
> In the words of Curtis Blow, "There's eight million stories in the naked
> city."
>
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kLqIhkidPGA
Alternatively:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNRf7Dg0lMg
--
Jim
Jim Larson
((-who))
--
Jim
Adira
news:Xns9B04A0E6C3...@85.214.90.236:
My great-grandmother had 12 children, 9 of which survived. In addition
she fostered 3 children not related to her by blood, just children of
neighbors that were orphaned. At one time or another 4 of her
grandchildren lived with her, 2 temporarily, 2 until adulthood. She
lived to be 101. None of the foster children, and only 2 of the
grandchildren helped care for her in her later years, despite living
some as close at 10 miles from her home. This is a cause for resentment
between my mother and some of her cousins and aunts and
uncles.........some of these cousins didn't work and could have spent 4
hours once a week with her to give her children and grandchildren a
break. However everyone showed up at her funeral and wanted something
from her house....................
Even I would drive up and help by staying with her, and I lived 200
miles away........
I think many kids that are fostered are angry at the loss of one or both
parents, and turn that anger on the people that help them the most
instead of loving them.
Steve Brooks
"Adira" wrote
> John Iwaniszek wrote in
<snip cos I'm funny like that.>
That was, in its way, quite moving. John, you write well. I'm sorry your
family is causing you grief at the moment.
But, it is a curiously 21st century thing seeing this happen in a space
that's not only public, but available to the entire world.
And probably your cousin would never have expressed his feelings (right or
wrong) where you could see them if it wasn't for the paradoxically intimate
feeling of this public space.
There's an article or a paper in there somewhere. But I'm far too lazy to
develop it and maybe make a little money.
> My great-grandmother had 12 children, 9 of which survived. In addition
> she fostered 3 children not related to her by blood, just children of
> neighbors that were orphaned. At one time or another 4 of her
> grandchildren lived with her, 2 temporarily, 2 until adulthood. She
> lived to be 101. None of the foster children, and only 2 of the
> grandchildren helped care for her in her later years, despite living
> some as close at 10 miles from her home. This is a cause for resentment
> between my mother and some of her cousins and aunts and
> uncles.........some of these cousins didn't work and could have spent 4
> hours once a week with her to give her children and grandchildren a
> break. However everyone showed up at her funeral and wanted something
> from her house....................
> Even I would drive up and help by staying with her, and I lived 200
> miles away........
>
> I think many kids that are fostered are angry at the loss of one or both
> parents, and turn that anger on the people that help them the most
> instead of loving them.
I'm currently working on integrating our 'looked after children' service
into our main child database. It's depressing working with that data.
Several hundred little human tragedies happening right near me.
Being orphaned is one thing. But, here in the UK, we have many children in
public care who have two living parents. It is IMO shameful that we can't
support struggling families in a better way.
--
SB
John Iwaniszek
>
> "Adira" wrote
>> John Iwaniszek wrote in
>
> <snip cos I'm funny like that.>
>
> That was, in its way, quite moving. John, you write well. I'm sorry your
> family is causing you grief at the moment.
>
Thank you so much.
> But, it is a curiously 21st century thing seeing this happen in a space
> that's not only public, but available to the entire world.
>
> And probably your cousin would never have expressed his feelings (right
> or wrong) where you could see them if it wasn't for the paradoxically
> intimate feeling of this public space.
>
Interesting point. I guess I am joining him there as well. I am working on
a multipronged strategy to get back with him, but there's part of me that
needs to air this in public, since that is the forum he's chosen.
It's the modern age.
Adira
news:7BAsk.23436$_M4....@newsfe18.ams2:
I know the problem with the state of TN is that no one wants to adopt a
child or can unless the state terminates parental rights......and the
state takes years to do. If they were more effiecient there would me
more kids in good homes.
John Iwaniszek
> John Iwaniszek <n...@hotmail.com> wrote in
> news:Xns9B04A0E6C3...@85.214.90.236:
>
>> Thank you for your patience with my family drama. But without drama,
>> what would families be?
>>
>>
>
> My great-grandmother had 12 children, 9 of which survived. In addition
> she fostered 3 children not related to her by blood, just children of
> neighbors that were orphaned. At one time or another 4 of her
> grandchildren lived with her, 2 temporarily, 2 until adulthood. She
> lived to be 101. None of the foster children, and only 2 of the
> grandchildren helped care for her in her later years, despite living
> some as close at 10 miles from her home. This is a cause for resentment
> between my mother and some of her cousins and aunts and
> uncles.........some of these cousins didn't work and could have spent 4
> hours once a week with her to give her children and grandchildren a
> break. However everyone showed up at her funeral and wanted something
> from her house....................
> Even I would drive up and help by staying with her, and I lived 200
> miles away........
>
> I think many kids that are fostered are angry at the loss of one or both
> parents, and turn that anger on the people that help them the most
> instead of loving them.
>
I think that these big rural families find it very easy to take on new
members. What's one or two more mouths to feed when you are already
cooking for eight or ten? I certainly accepted the cousins and extra
sisters and brother as my own family. My other sibling might have resented
the interlopers, but I think that my biggest sense of jealousy was directed
at my little sister (who I now am closer to than any of the others).
Jim Larson
How did you find the time for all these intra-family dynamics? Weren't you
all busy a'feudin' and a'fightin' with the McCoys or the Hatfields or
somebody?
--
Jim
John Iwaniszek
(fun fact: I am related to the Hatfields. It just so happens that one
of my great uncles was asked to participate in the festivities in the
20's or 30's. I will ask my mom what she remembers about the incident
and report back.)
Adira
I agree with that........also my great-grandmother was a deeply religous
woman not in a bible thumping hellfire way, but she exuded love and
kindness. I think I siblings are always more jealous of each other LOL
Adira
news:Xns9B05C5027AF4D3v...@130.133.1.4:
Hahahahaha. Not that rural where I came from. We had 'lectricity,
running water, indoor toliets you know.
Jim Larson
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/70/HatfieldClan.jpg
(Is that a Kentucky long rifle in your pocket, etc...)
--
Jim
Jim Larson
Interestingly, it appears that those of your kin sporting firearms actually
have their fingers directly on the triggers rather than the trigger guards or
somewhere not, you know, stupid.
--
Jim
John Iwaniszek
that looks like 19th century
> Interestingly, it appears that those of your kin sporting firearms
> actually have their fingers directly on the triggers rather than the
> trigger guards or somewhere not, you know, stupid.
>
The story involved one of the constituents requesting the pleasure of my
Uncle Buck's presence at an nocturnal event they planned. I think that Buck
declined.
This was while Mom still lived in Bonnie Blue, VA:
http://homepages.rootsweb.ancestry.com/~duncanrw/bonnieblue.html
Look a the "Historical" photos to see what it was like jus three years before
my mother was born.
This is where the cop-trampling cousins are from. In fact, it appears that
the author of this page (a Rogers) is related to them (and me, by marriage).
the internets, Al Gore's gift that keeps on giving.
Jim Larson
Rock on Gore!
--
Jim