Jolly Roger MiSTing with Mice (6/6)
Austin Loomis
[continued from part 5]
[at Deep 13]
PINKY: Oooooh, Brain...I feel strange...
BRAIN: Coming from you, that's saying something. Come, Pinky. We must
clean up these table tennis balls and wait for Mrs. Forrester to return.
PINKY: NARF. Right, Brain.
BRAIN [Jumping on the Mads' button]: So, you have beaten us this time,
Mike Nelson. But we will be back soon, and we will defeat you soundly
and utterly.
MIKE [derisively]: Well, we'll be sure to keep our calendars open.
BRAIN: Sarcasm ill becomes you, Nelson. But I can't talk now. I have
a mess to clean up thanks to you...
PINKY: Well, you could make them help. POIT! They made the mess, after
all.
BRAIN: Think, Pinky! (What am I saying??) That would involve letting
them out of the Satellite. What would the neighbors say?
PINKY: Oh, right. *SIGH*
BRAIN: But you have little time to gloat, Nelson. For YOU have... [pushes
the "send" button]
[Fanficsign light goes off]
ALL (On SOL): We've got fanficsiiiiiiiign!
[7,6,5,4,3,2,G!]
>Path: news.io.com!news.thenet.net!news.kei.com!
CROW: news.yuri.net!
TOM: news.mughi.edu!
MIKE: news.goulet.org!
CROW: ondasher!ondancer!
TOM: Mit schnapps und beautiful frauleins!
CROW [Binkley]: I'm winging it, aren't I?
MIKE [Milo]: Well, *I* didn't write that!
> news.
>+ mathworks.com!newsgate.duke.edu!news-server.ncren.net!concert!newz.oit.
>+ unc.edu!drake-
>From: dra...@email.unc.edu (Drake Raft)
>Newsgroups: alt.wired,alt.culture.jollyroger,alt.culture.jesse-garon,alt.
>+ culture.www,rec.arts.poems,rec.arts.prose,alt.zines,alt.society.
>+ generation-x
>
>Subject: www.jollyroger.com TAG TEAM LIBERALISM OR SOMETHING*****************
TOM: And P.J.'s got Erwin Knoll in a headlock, but he reaches the corner,
and *yes!* he tags out! The referee is making O'Rourke release Knoll,
and Victor Navasky steps into the ring!
>Followup-To: alt.wired,alt.culture.jollyroger,alt.culture.jesse-garon,alt.
>+ culture.www,rec.arts.poems,rec.arts.prose,alt.zines,alt.society.
>+ generation-x
>Date: 18 Nov 1996 16:16:28 GMT
>Organization: The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill
>Lines: 96
>Message-ID: <56q24s$q...@newz.oit.unc.edu>
>References: <56bkvj$l...@newz.oit.unc.edu> <56btp6$p...@nnrp1.news.primenet.com>
>+ <328A05...@raptor.lpl.arizona.edu> <56d3gl$p...@nnrp1.news.
>+ primenet.com> <328A42...@raptor.lpl.arizona.edu>
>+ <56dmcb$s...@nnrp1.news.primenet.com>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: login0.isis.unc.edu
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]
>Xref: news.io.com alt.wired:55323 alt.culture.jollyroger:2209 alt.culture.
>+ jesse-garon:10008 alt.culture.www:8331 rec.arts.poems:154956 rec.arts.
>+ prose:11467 alt.zines:29032 alt.society.generation-x:162208
>
>Tag-team liberalism is pretty cool. A few years back I snuck into this one
>top-secret conference at Princeton
MIKE [as Drake] Of course, I have no proof that what I'm saying is true,
but I won't let that stop me...
> where President Harold Shapiro was
>hosting a gathering of some of the greatest postmodern intellects,
MIKE [as Tony Slattery]: And shagging them all.
TOM: James Joyce brought potato salad again.
>including the Clintons, the top media executives,
CROW: Ted Turner just kneed Rupert Murdoch in the groin!
> David Geffen,
TOM: Again with the Geffen obsession. What's the deal with that?
MIKE: Maybe Geffen was the guy who wanted to turn the Field Drip into
a screenplay.
> David
>Foster Wallace,
MIKE: I knew him, Horatio. A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent
fancy.
CROW [as Drake]: And then I woke up!
> Tom Brokaw, Kurt Cobain, well-dressed officials from the
>NEA and the NEH, that Ghould evolutionary dude,
TOM: He spells Stephen Jay Gould with an H?
MIKE: You know, like "Ghoul"?
CROW: You suppose he eats "GHOULden's" mustard?
TOM: Or GHOULash?
CROW [as the Crypt Keeper]: eeeeeEEEEEeheeheeheeheeheehee!
>and Kate Moss, Joyce Carol Oates, and Calvin Klein and Trillin. I snuck in
CROW: How did the chick from _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ get
in there?
MIKE: And was Zaphod with her?
TOM: I hear one of his heads is now saner than an emu on acid.
CROW: Too bad we can't say the same thing about Elliot.
>'cause I saw 'em wheeling in all these trays with cool food on 'em, and
MIKE [as Drake]: "I hadn't eaten in weeks, because I have no real job
except this lame Web site..."
>since my college loans were payin' for it all, I figured I'd score some.
TOM [as Drake]: "I was a real food addict, a two, three meal-a-day man..."
>I had long hair back then, and my jeans were torn, so I fit right in
>after I secured somebody's nametag.
>
MIKE: Bet he went as "Ram Dass."
TOM: Hey, that's dirty!
CROW: And that's how Douglas Coupland was left out in the cold, I guess.
>After the doors were locked President Shapiro kicked the whole meeting off
>with a
CROW: ROUSING rendition of "Cabaret"!
> cool speech outlining the fundamental liberal strategy to rule the
>world.
TOM: But the liberals can't even keep their finances straight!
MIKE: Or keep their advisors away from hookers!
> I remember he put up this cool transparency on which the brilliant
>liberal strategy was succinctly, yet completely, presented. It was so
CROW: BOSS!
>cool that a murmur ran through the crowd, and I saw Joyce Carol Oates
>nodding.
>
MIKE: Nodding OFF.
TOM: Of course, you realize that this WHOLE thing assumes that _all_
"liberals" feel the same way on EVERY issue...
CROW: Did he say "cool" enough times? I think so.
>The transparency was entitled TAG-TEAM LIBERALISM, and it started at the top
>with
CROW: Hulk Hogan and Andrea Dworkin versus Macho Man Randy Savage and
James Carville.
MIKE: You watch pro wrestling?
CROW: Uhhh...PASS!
> the picture of a baby, and it continued on down with solutions for
>The Problem.
MIKE: And "The Problem" would be...?
> If the early solutions did not work, the flow-chart continued
>onward to where it offered another liberal solution.
>
TOM: The seven percent solution.
MIKE: The solution's turning blue.
CROW: Not quite the solution he expected.
>The first solution to The Problem was abortion.
CROW: Y'know, maybe it's just me, but if humans took a more sensible
attitude to contraception, abortion would be basically a non-issue.
MIKE: Political commentary, strike one.
CROW: Oh, bite me. If you can't do political comments on a Jolly Roger
post, when *can* you do them?
MIKE: My point exactly.
> By aborting the child,
>the human condition is enhanced, as there are less mouths to feed,
MIKE [foaming at the mouth]: Fewer! FEWER! FEWERRRRRRR!
> and the
>parents are allowed to forsake their divine responsibility to Care for
>that which is Conceived by their actions.
>
TOM: Much as "Drake" is allowed to assume his responsibility to write
badly.
CROW: So, basically, he's saying life begins the moment the man gets
the woman's bra unhooked?
MIKE: Basically. And that was innuendo, strike two.
CROW: *Two*? When did I get strike one?
MIKE: That line about "news.yuri.net" -- don't think I didn't notice
that.
CROW: What? *What?*
>If something went awry and the abortion did not work, or something,
CROW [as Drake]: But I don't know what... I'm really winging it here.
Just go along with me, won't you?
> and
>the child joined the rest of us in this darkened world,
TOM [Ryouga]: The world is a dark and lonely place.
CROW [Freakazoid]: Yeah yeah. Quit angsting and I'll give you a Pez.
> the next solution
>was to put the mother on welfare so that she and her husband might be set
>free from their divine responsibility to Care for that which was Conceived
>by their actions.
MIKE: And thus force "Drake" to repeat himself.
CROW: Has Drake ever seen how hard it is to GET on welfare? Yeah, just
ANY one gets it... SURE...
> Shapiro's goal here was to make the woman and child
>dependent upon the government, so that he could tax the hard-working
>American people to fund the his Compassion,
MIKE: And we all know "compassion" is a bad thing.
> and on the transparency he had
>high-lighted that everyone at the meeting would get 50 cents on every
>dollar collected for welfare. "Welfare is a business," Shapiro quipped.
>"And we're bigger than Microsoft."
>
CROW: Oh, I don't think so...
TOM: Oh, I get it. This was inspired by the President Gates nightmare
scenario from Wired's "Scared Spitlist" article. That's how this
post is on-topic for alt.wired.
CROW: Uh, Tom, it wasn't a Scared *Spit*list.
TOM: Unlike you, I *try* to keep my mouth clean!
CROW: Hey, so do I! It doesn't *work,* but I *try!*
MIKE: Two words, you two -- time-out.
[Tom and Crow hush.]
>If the welfare system did not make the child dependent upon Shapiro and
>his friends, then the noble task would be left up to the National
>Endowment of Education.
MIKE: Which doesn't even exist.
> By desecrating all the moral myths which have
>traditionally provided kids with cool things to think about other than
>Jenny McCarthy,
CROW: So basically, Jenny McCarthy *isn't* cool? What color is the sky
in your world, Elliot?
> the pillar of moral order which supports all
>free societies could be demolished, uniting everyone in a moral void
>where feminists are equal to all, as true love doesn't
>
TOM: Well? Don't leave us in suspense, man! What happened next?
CROW: I think the Elders of Zion cut him off or something.
MIKE: So, Feminists SHOULDN'T be equal to everyone else, is that what
he's saying?
>
> THE CONSERVATIVE LITERARY REVOLUTION.
> JOIN OVER 5,000 ABOARD
> THE WORLD'S LARGEST, MOST-FEARED LITERARY FRIGATE
> http://jollyroger.com/beaconway/jollyroger.html
> Send join jollyroger to jolly...@jollyroger.com
>
MIKE: And sign your soul...
CROW: To Satan!
> THE JOLLY ROGER-- To be featured in the upcoming AMAZING WEB PAGES.
>
MIKE: Exactly *how* do they define "amazing"?
TOM: I think it's a synonym for "appalling" in this case.
> THE JOLLY ROGER
> http://jollyroger.com/beaconway/jollyroger.html
>
>
> THE JOLLY ROGER-- AS REVIEWD BY THE GLOBAL ONLINE DIRECTORY
>
CROW: And yes, once again, he failed to even notice, let alone correct,
the typo!
> The Jolly Roger
> Go here. Do not pass go. Whatever your tastes or politics, it's
> tough not to enjoy this smart-alecky, skillfully written and
> provocative online magazine. Literary, generational and plain-old
> politics take it on the chin from this threesome.
>
TOM: Oh, what's the use?
> http://jollyroger.com/beaconway/jollyroger.html
>
>
>'Jesse Garon' (gri...@primenet.com) wrote:
>: Tim Patterson <t...@raptor.lpl.arizona.edu> writes:
>
>: >'Jesse Garon' wrote:
>: >>
>: >> Tim Patterson <t...@raptor.lpl.arizona.edu> writes:
MIKE: Something probably almost completely irrelevant to that amazing
conspiracy-rant.
>: >> >I have a theory that the size of somebody's talent is inversely
>: >> >proportional to the amount of boasting they do about it.
>:
TOM: Gee, I wonder *where* he got that theory?
>: >> >So far the theory seems to hold pretty true.
>:
MIKE: Sounds about right to me.
>: >> Would you be boasting about the success of your theory, Tim?
>
TOM [Tim]: Well, I -- D'oh!
>: > They sure are a-bitin' tonight. Set your bait
>: > for a Drake Fart and a Garon lands himself! :)
>
CROW: Nah -- you can't catch Garon with a fishing pole. Now, Aulbath,
on the other hand...
>: It's called sarcasm, Tim. People who write good like me use it much.
>
CROW: And, in "Drake's" case...
ALL: INEFFECTIVELY!
TOM: It's over, guys!
ALL: MITCHELL!
[G,2,3,4,5,6,7!]
[SoL.]
MIKE: Well, guys, what did we learn from today's post?
TOM: We learned that Elliot has officially gone completely non-linear.
Any day now, he'll get on the evening news by sending Joyce Carol Oates
a pipe-bomb through the mail.
CROW: Don't encourage him.
MIKE: Maybe if he does, we'll get to find out whether she even remembers
this incoherent physics-geek who has devoted so much of his time to
hating her.
TOM: "Oh Ahab! Even now it is not too late -- the third day -- to desist.
See! Moby-Dick seeks thee not! It is thou -- thou -- that madly seekest
him!"
CROW: And I learned that Elliot was being parodied before he ever even
existed!
TOM: WHAT?
CROW: Well, that wasn't in today's post. It was in this old letter I
found tucked behind the counter. [points at letter, now on counter]
It got sent in right after we did the Drake Raft Field Trip MiSTing.
"Though an author should arrange his plot to have it resemble one of
Lawrence's as exactly as possible, he should never vary one inch from
a mimetic reproduction of the exact quality of Life as it is really
and truly lived by real people who are genuinely alive. Now, I have
already explained that this means coal-mining in the Midlands or
nothing."
MIKE: The hell?
TOM: Who the bleeding freak wrote *that*?
CROW: Let's see...according to the letter, it was written by a guy named
Frederick Crews, in his 1963 book _The Pooh Perplex_. A bunch of parodies
of modern criticism. This was from "Another Book to Cross Off Your
List," by "Simon Lacerous."
MIKE [reads over Crow's shoulder]: Wow! That really *is* prophetic.
The same determination to equate disagreement with a personal insult,
the same hatred of somebody who couldn't care less, the same blatant
conviction that he cannot be wrong and his own narrow views represent
Universal Truths...it's almost spooky. Who says history never repeats?
TOM [reads over Crow's shoulder]: And it says here that Marvin Gardens,
in Robert Anton Wilson's _Schroedinger's Cat_ trilogy from 1979, is
also a precusor of Elliot, with his paranoia about Women's Lib being
the vanguard of an extraterrestrial invasion, his hatred of a rival
who doesn't even know he exists, and his conviction that his favorite
writers are being destroyed by the Enemy Who Must Die.
MIKE: And then, in '94, came the Jolly Roger, and the satiric prophecies
were fulfilled. Makes you wonder what'll come along in 2009.
CROW [reading]: "The dialogues between Frank Hemeroid and Ernest Hemingway
grew more turgidly moralistic as the 1970s passed; Marvin was never
able to bring himself to approach a sexual partner more alien to his
own tormented ego than his right fis--" MMPH! [i.e. Mike finally
catching on and muffling him]
MIKE: heh heh. Crow T. Robot, folks. What a wacky guy. -- Your time-
out starts *now,* mister. [drags Crow off]
TOM [reads letter]: "Of course nobody wanted to publish this kind of
ranting -- although it took Marvin nearly ten years to learn that."
What do you think, sirs?
[D13. Pearl returns, carrying a whole bunch of bags. Pinky and the
Brain have miraculously cleaned up the ping-pong balls, mainly by virtue
of the fact that this scene was shot first.]
PEARL [unable to see over the bags]: Guys? I bought some snacks for
later, after you're done taking over the world... hope you found something
in Clay's notes... So...[putting down the bags, she sees the mice for
the first time...] GAAAAAAH! MICE! [Grabs broom]
BRAIN: Now, Mrs. Forrester, don't be hasty...we spoke over the phone...
I thought I made it clear that we were mice...
[Pearl chases the mice around the lab, knocking over all kinds of
equipment, as she swats at them with the broom.]
BRAIN: We must escape from here, Pinky, and try to find a place to regroup
for tomorrow night...
[Pearl just misses them with the broom]
PINKY: Why? What are we going to do tomorrow night, Brain?
[P + the B scamper up onto the Techtronic Panel...]
BRAIN: Same thing we do EVERY night, Pinky...TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
PINKY: Oh right. Narf!
[As Brain raises a megalomaniacal index finger in the air, Pearl smacks
them with the broom, pushing the Button...]
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
----- 0 -----
/ | \
/ | \
/ | \
PLEE-OOP!
MAGIC VOICE: o/~ They're dinky, they're Pinky and the Brain-Brain-Brain-
Brain, Brain-Brain-Brain-Brain, Brain! o/~
[Cue end credits, to the tune of "Pinky and The Brain"]
WRITTEN IN SHADOWRAMA.
HEAD WRITER/EDITOR: austin loomis (alo...@whale.st.usm.edu,ze...@io.com)
HOST SEGMENTS AND COMMERCIALS BY: merritt stone=99 (howi...@pixi.com)
ADDITIONAL WRITERS: shane a (sha...@specialtymile.com), earl green (egreen
@ipa.net -- jumped ship), catherine johnson (tcur...@aol.com),
psykopath (t...@iglou.com), mandy shekleton (edshe...@worldnet.att.net)
KINGDOM COME ANNOTATIONS: jess nevins (jjne...@ix.netcom.com,kalkin@
sunspot.tiac.net)
STARRING
MICHAEL J. NELSON as mike nelson
JIM CORBETT as crow t. robot
KEVIN W. MURPHY as tom servo
JIM MALLON as gypsy
MARY JO PEHL as pearl forrester
MAURICE LaMARCHE as brain
ROB PAULSEN as pinky
Special thanks to the authors of the First Amendment and the justices
who struck down the CDA.
For *real* conspiracy weirdness, and a character named Jolly Roger who may
or may not have any connection with Elliot, read Grant Morrison's _The
Invisibles_ v.2, published by DC/Vertigo, available at your local comics
shop.
Keep circulating the URLs.
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and the distinctive characters and concepts
thereof are (tm) and (c) Best Brains, Inc. Pinky and the Brain are (tm)
and (c) Warner Brothers Television Animation. Drake Raft, the Jolly
Roger and BeaconWay Press are (c) 1996 Elliot McGucken. No infringement
of any copyright is intended or should be implied.
>After the doors were locked President Shapiro kicked the whole meeting off
>with a cool speech outlining the fundamental liberal strategy to rule the
>world.
--
Austin Loomis | COL. FRIDAY: You gotta *love* paranoia. It's what made
ze...@io.com | this country *great,* Quimper; fear of the Reds, fear
| of getting old, fear of failure, fear of each *other.*
| Deep down we all just want to be the *same.*
--
Austin Loomis | QUIMPER: Homogeneity is good. We must *destroy*
ze...@io.com | diversity.
| FRIDAY: Hell, we're doing what we can.
| -- Invisibles, v.2#1