Jolly Roger MiSTing with Mice (1/6)
Austin Loomis
Well, after slight technical difficulties, here's the promised MiSTing.
Hold on to your eyepatches, guys...
* * *
LOVE THEME FROM MUT3K (possible new version):
In the not-too-distant future (next Sunday, A.D.),
There lived a guy named Mike, not too different from you or me.
He worked as a temp down in Deep 13,
Where some Mad Scientists had an Evil Scheme.
Their experiment needed a brand new face,
So they signed off on his time-card and they shot him into space!
"We'll send him cheesy postings, the worst we can find,
He'll have to sit and read them, while we monitor his mind."
Now keep in mind Mike can't control when the posts begin or end,
But he'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his robot
friends.
Robot Roll Call:
* !TOBMAC (Show yourself!)
* GYPSY! (I'm not ready!)
* TOM SERVO! (Hi there!)
* CROOOOOW! (That's one "O"!)
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes and other science
facts,
Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a post, I should really just
relax
For Mystery Usenet Theatre 3000!"
[G,2,3,4,5,6,7! SoL.]
MIKE: Welcome to the Satellite O' Love, where we're about to have our
monthly Gross-Out Contest. Crow, I believe you were next?
[Crow appears, wearing a long wig curiously cocked back on his head.]
CROW [as Michael Bolton, singing badly]: Said this was mah song but
I lied....
[Tom and Gypsy bolt. Mike turns slightly green.]
MIKE: Uh, we'll be right back. [sprints for bathroom]
[Commercialsign light starts blinking. Cue planet bumper. Retching
noises clearly heard in the background.]
Insert irritatingly whining cold medicine saleslady, two or three beer
commercials, and an ad for the Psychic Scanners Network.
[End commercial sign.]
[SoL. Tom has set the Bolton wig on fire, with Gypsy standing by, holding
a fire extinguisher. Crow has a microphone jammed in his beak, holding
it open; he struggles and mumbles]
CROW: Aw I wa i ooo ee icha ol'on ... i a o ro'g?
[Mike comes back, brushing his teeth nonchalantly. He walks right by the
fire without noticing it, stops, does a take, and then grabs the
extinguisher and puts it out.]
GYPSY: Sorry, Mike. It had to be done.
[Mad Scientist light starts blinking. Tom answers, slapping the button
with a toasted marshmallow on a stick. Cut to D13.]
PEARL: Hello there, you little dickenses. Art, are you keeping those
kids in line?
[SoL.]
CROW: I' 'ooi' y 'est...
[Mike grabs the microphone out of Crow's beak. D13.]
PEARL [oblivious]: Thaaaat's good, dear. Now then, I have some shopping
to do, but I set up an activity to keep you kids busy. One of those
Jolly Roger things Clay mentioned. Oh, yes, and some guests will be
coming in soon, so keep them entertained until I return.
[SoL.]
MIKE: Uh, yeah, Mrs. Forrester, but can you just push...
[D13. Pearl leaves, with the button still unpushed.]
[SoL.]
TOM: Well? Shall we go?
CROW: Yes. Let's go.
[They do not move.]
MIKE: We can't go, guys.
CROW: Why not?
MIKE: We're waiting for Becket.
[D13. An envelope is slid through a mailslot by unseen hands. It rips
itself open from within, and two vaguely familiar tiny forms emerge.]
FIRST VOICE: At last. Behold Deep 13. -- Drat. We appear to have missed
Mrs. Forrester. Ah well. We can begin preparations for tonight while
we await her return.
SECOND VOICE: Why, Brain? What're we gonna do tonight?
BRAIN: I shall give you three guesses, Pinky -- and the first two will
incur no penalty for failure.
PINKY: Oh right, take over the world. Zort!
BRAIN: Hmm. It appears that Mrs. Forrester was in an excessive hurry
to depart, and thus failed to initiate the scheduled experiment. Hence,
that duty devolves upon us.
PINKY: Come again, Brain?
BRAIN: Push the button, Pinky!
PINKY: Oh right.
[SoL. Fanfic sign light goes off.]
ALL: Ohhhhhh, we've got fanfic sign! [crowd noises]
[7,6,5,4,3,2,G!]
>Path: news.io.com!interval.net!arlut.utexas.edu!geraldo.cc.utexas.edu!cs.
CROW: Crazy Conservatives, on the next Geraldo.
>+ utexas.edu!howland.erols.net!news.mathworks.com!newsgate.duke.edu!
>+ news-server.ncren.net!news_server.cs.unc.edu!newz.oit.unc.edu!drake-
>From: dra...@email.unc.edu (Drake Raft)
TOM: Bwa? He's posting as Drake Raft now?
MIKE: Yeah -- I thought Drake died at the end of the Field Trip.
CROW: And not a moment too soon.
>Newsgroups: alt.culture.jollyroger,
MIKE [appalled]: They gave him his own newsgroup.
TOM: There really *isn't* a God, is there, Mike?
CROW [Iago from Aladdin]: That's it! All reports are in! Life is now
officially unfair!
TOM: Must have been a forged control message. Must have been.
> alt.culture.jesse-garon,rec.arts.
>+ books,
TOM: Because people who read books need to know!
> alt.wired,alt.society.generation-x
>
CROW: Since when does Gen X qualify as a society?
MIKE: True. The only one of them who's still working is Billy Idol.
CROW: The hell?
MIKE: Oh yeah, Tony James had Sigue Sigue Sputnik for a while, but it
collapsed under the weight of its own overblown pretentions.
TOM: C'mon, man! Generation X! Jubilee! Mondo! Skin! M! Perkolater!
Manchild!
>Subject: Re: BEATRICE WWW talks canon fodder with David Denby
>Followup-To: alt.culture.jollyroger,alt.culture.jesse-garon,rec.arts.books
CROW: Guys, this has *got* to be a forgery. Elliot would never *trim*
his followups line.
TOM: Oh, I don't know. He left rec.arts.books in there.
>Date: 5 Nov 1996 16:24:49 GMT
>Organization: The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill
>Lines: 91
TOM: Which, coincidentally, happens to be 91 god-awful lines too long.
>Message-ID: <55npoh$m...@newz.oit.unc.edu>
>References: <grifter-0511...@ip216.sfo.primenet.com>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: login3.isis.unc.edu
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]
CROW: Eat me, tin man.
MIKE: Oooh, a Quake ref.
>Xref: news.io.com alt.culture.jollyroger:1558 alt.culture.jesse-garon:9661
>+ rec.arts.books:205454 alt.wired:54148 alt.society.generation-x:160869
>
>: 'Who
>: are you?
MIKE: No one expects the Vorlon inquisition!
CROW: "I am Death, destroyer of civilizations!"
TOM: "LO! I AM BECOME A JUMPING HORSE, DESTROYER OF WORLDS!"
> What are you living for?
TOM: The end of this post.
MIKE: Twinkies.
> What are you willing to die for?
MIKE: Um...Twinkies?
> How
>: do you perceive other people? How do you perceive yourself?'"
>
CROW: Why all these questions? Why are you so curious? Whooooo ARRRRRE
YOOOOOOOOOOU?!
TOM: I perceive great joy...and love, Captain!
> UNITING CONSERVATIVES IN GREAT CONTEMPORARY LITERATURE
TOM: So we can keep an eye on them.
CROW: That's a definition of great I've never heard of.
MIKE: New definition of literature too.
> http://jollyroger.com/beaconway/jollyroger.html
>
TOM: So, basically, Elliot perceives himself as an advertisement and
other people as his target audience.
> Check out our new Jolly Roger public relations executive, Cathy from
>Germany.
> http://jollyroger.com/supermodel.html
>
>ARGRHRGHRRHG!
CROW: Bummer of a cough there, Elliot.
TOM: Or maybe it's that inquisitor.
> We're Wired's best kept secret because Ron Garon hates us.
TOM: And here I thought it was just because nobody cared who the Hell
you were.
CROW: Or because they're ashamed of you.
MIKE: Ron Garon? Isn't he one of the Darkstalkers?
>But like hating the Truth is a bad move for any young editor in this world
CROW: Unless you edit the Weekly World News.
>which is yearning for It to Rise Again. Avast! Yer postmodern ship is
>sinking!
>
MIKE: AAAARRRRRR! IIIIIIIIII! OOOOOOOOOOH!
TOM: What the Sam Scratch is your trip, Mike?
CROW: Don't you know anything, Tom? It's the Pirate Alphabet!
MIKE: No, I was just clearing my throat.
> Writing new books in the sublime context of the Western Canon.
>
MIKE: Over here on the Jolly Roger we're shooting writers out of cannons!
CROW: Fire the Western Canon!
TOM: Aye-aye, Cap'n Crow!
>To sign yer soul aboard,
TOM: So, he's the Devil, basically.
> send join jollyroger to jolly...@jollyroger.com !
>
CROW: Oh, I just bet we'll *never* see that address go by again!
TOM: He's suggesting headers for my mailbombs!
MIKE: No mailbombs. Remember when that nice hacker man got mad at you
for mailbombing him and hacked into Deep 13 and made the theatre show
_Manos_ 24 hours a day? Thank God no one was in there!
> Ahoy! 'Tis a gallant breeze blowin' from aft upon this immaculate
>November afternoon.
CROW: So that's what that smell is!
> So rig ye the sails there Captain Blood and
TOM: Captain Power.
CROW: And Captain Planet.
TOM: And Captain Ron.
CROW: And Captain Kirk.
TOM: And Captain Vimes of the Watch.
MIKE: Knock it off.
> Billy
>Rones, and let's be on our merry way!
TOM: Broadway, here I come!
MIKE (as Worf): Sir, I protest -- I am NOT a merry man!
> There's peril before us,
MIKE: And after us is an SNL repeat from '82.
> but 'tis
>nothing new for those who seek to signify something profound.
TOM: Why does Elliot imagine he's a pirate?
CROW: The asylum had its quota of Napoleons, I guess.
> All
>adventure comes with peril,
CROW: But sometimes peril can be fun.
TOM: But I must face the peril. Let me face the peril. Can I have some
of the peril? Please, just a little peril?
> but it is this peril which guards the greatest
>treasures.
CROW: All the unsold copies of _See, I Told You So_?
TOM: Heaping handfuls of butter?
MIKE: Hardcover editions of the Complete Bone Adventures?
> For it keeps the aging elite
TOM: I AM 31i73 gIvE ME M300Wz D00DZZZ!!@@#%^@!^!@!
MIKE: Never, ever, do that again.
> at bay, and preserves the freedom
CROW: To print gibberish!
>of the open ocean!
TOM: The freedom to think like me, and ONLY me!
MIKE: I haven't met a more fake bunch of pirates since the last Tampa
Bay Buccaneers game I saw!
> Avast then!
MIKE: No! I demand to avast NOW! It's my right as a swarthy liberal!
CROW [to Tom]: How DO you avast?
TOM: I don't have the slightest idea.
> We shall venture forth and find anew
TOM: CAR! The 1998 RUSHMOBILE will caress your sensibilities with rich
corinthian leather, as you drive over the shriveled masses of poor women
and children!
CROW: But only if the Price is Right!
> all that the
>academic and editorial elite
CROW: I AM 3L33t GIVe me WaReZ!
MIKE: That's it, no ramchips for you young man.
> have pillaged, plundered, desecrated, burned
>and buried!
TOM: And given paper cuts to.
CROW [nautical]: They be Vikings!
> But then there shall be even greater perils
MIKE: Aye! You'll have to read EVEN MORE crap like this,
> when returning
>home with our holds filled with treasures.
MIKE: Like gold, and silver, and autographs from Star Trek actors.
BOTS: Fanboy! Faaaaanboy!
> For while the tumultuous
>ocean is at heart indifferent, the contemporary liberal bureaucrat is
CROW: Being bored to tears, if he has to read this damn thing!
>governed by malicious tendencies.
TOM: It was truly a red-letter day when this guy discovered the Thesaurus.
MIKE [nerdy]: If I use fifty-cent words, maybe Jodie Foster will be
impressed!
CROW: I thought they were ruled by something in their pants.
MIKE: I'm warning you, Crow...
CROW: I was talking about their wallets, Nelson. Sheesh!
> For know ye that the modern liberal
>academic believes not in the Truth,
CROW: But in Making Money Fast through the Internet!
> and thus their life is dedicated to
TOM: Getting elected!
>eradicating its existence, so that Reality might match their soul.
MIKE: He watched 67 straight hours of "The X-Files." Sad, really.
TOM [as Tommy from Pod People]: What pretentious crap!
> While
>the true scientist and artist seeks to match their soul and their divine
>work to Reality, the uncreative socialist and feminist writer seeks to
>subjugate Nature to their will.
>
MIKE: I hope this guy never meets Billy Bragg in a dark alley.
TOM: So basically, the Industrial Revolution was about all those great
inventors matching their souls and their divine work to Reality, while
the ecology movement is about subjugating Nature to one's will.
CROW: Well, I can see where he might...HUH? That doesn't even make
*sense!*
TOM: Did Ancient Astronauts write the Bible? Read on!
CROW: I like how he refered to the singular writer as "their." Shows
a great grasp of the English language.
>Check out the rest of this cool article at
>http://jollyroger.com/beaconway/jr25.html
>
MIKE: Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
TOM: No thanks -- I just ate.
>
>
MIKE: Let's ponder the universe.
>
>
>
CROW: What's all this whitespace for?
>
>
>
>
>
MIKE: I don't know, but it has a certain quiet intensity.
>
>
>
>
>
TOM: I'd say it's got a certain noisy relaxed quality.
>
>
>
>
>
CROW: How about a quietly noisy relaxed intensity?
>
>
>
>
>
MIKE: What it is, actually -- it's a pictorial representation of the
order of Elliot's mind.
>
>
CROW: All pondered out.
> THE CONSERVATIVE LITERARY REVOLUTION.
> JOIN OVER 6,000 ABOARD
> THE WORLD'S LARGEST, MOST-FEARED LITERARY FRIGATE
MIKE: Also, the world's ONLY "Literary Frigate"... Whatever the hell
that means.
> http://jollyroger.com/beaconway/jollyroger.html
MIKE: This guy repeats himself more than Rain Man!
> Send join jollyroger to jolly...@jollyroger.com
>
ALL: JOIN US!
TOM: You *will* come to the Marine Corps Birthday Ball, and you *will*
enjoy yourself.
CROW: Hey! *I* do the innuendos around here, bubbledome!
> THE JOLLY ROGER-- To be featured in the upcoming AMAZING WEB PAGES.
>
CROW: Steven Spielberg's AMAZING WEB PAGES! This Sunday night on NBC.
> THE JOLLY ROGER
> http://jollyroger.com/beaconway/jollyroger.html
>
CROW: Yeah yeah, we heard you the first time.
MIKE: On second thought...
ALL: Hell, no! We won't GO! Hell, no! We won't GO! Hell, no! We
won't GO! Hell, no! We won't GO! Hell, no....
>
> THE JOLLY ROGER-- AS REVIEWD BY THE GLOBAL ONLINE DIRECTORY
>
CROW: As IGNORD by EVERYONE ELSE!
TOM: Can I spellflame him for that, too?
MIKE: Only if he repeats it.
> The Jolly Roger
> Go here. Do not pass go. Whatever your tastes or politics, it's
TOM: Lame!
> tough not to enjoy this smart-alecky, skillfully written and
> provocative online magazine.
TOM: But we'll do our darndest to try!
MIKE: Oh, I don't know, I think I'm having a fairly easy time hating
it...
> Literary, generational and plain-old
> politics take it on the chin from this threesome.
>
TOM: I think that review was "writtn" by Elliot himself.
CROW: "Threesome"... Hmmm...
MIKE: Don't EVEN go there, Crow...
> http://jollyroger.com/beaconway/jollyroger.html
>
TOM: I don't know, Elliot. Maybe you need to give that URL a couple
*more* times just in case anyone missed it.
[G,2,3,4,5,6,7!]
MIKE: This guy takes a lot of text to say absolutely nothing.
TOM: Yeah, but it's _how_ he says it...
CROW: We'll be right back.
[Commercial sign.]
[continued in part 2]
--
Austin Loomis | "It's like seeing a gorilla spell out the word `buttock'
ze...@io.com | with a piece of chalk." -- Mikey Inglis (now Mike Sphar)
| on Rush Limbaugh
|