Jolly Roger MiSTing with Mice (5/6)
Austin Loomis
[We join Mike and the 'bots already in the theater.]
[continued from part 4]
>Path: news.io.com!interval.net!arlut.utexas.edu!geraldo.cc.utexas.edu!cs.
>+ utexas.edu!newshost.convex.com!newsgate.duke.edu!news-server.ncren.net!
>+ news_server.cs.unc.edu!newz.oit.unc.edu!drake-
>From: dra...@email.unc.edu (Drake Raft)
CROW: At least he provides a raft so we can jump ship.
>Newsgroups: alt.culture.jollyroger,talk.politics.libertarian,alt.society.
>+ generation-x,alt.fan.rush-limbaugh,alt.society.conservatism,alt.
>+ politics.usa.republican,rec.arts.books
>
>Subject: www.jollyroger.com WHY BEING A YOUNG LIBERAL MUST BE LIKE SO DARN
TOM: "WHY BEING A YOUNG LIBERAL MUST BE, SO TO SPEAK, SO..."
MIKE: Stop, that, Tom... It's getting annoying...
CROW: Yeah, like, really.
>+ DEPRESSING
MIKE: Subtitle: And why can't everyone be just like Drake?
>Date: 7 Nov 1996 21:30:03 GMT
>Organization: The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill
>Lines: 75
>Message-ID: <55tkcr$k...@newz.oit.unc.edu>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: login5.isis.unc.edu
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]
>Xref: news.io.com alt.culture.jollyroger:1563 talk.politics.libertarian:179565
>+ alt.society.generation-x:160921 alt.fan.rush-limbaugh:540217 alt.
>+ society.conservatism:74052 alt.politics.usa.republican:394729 rec.arts.
>+ books:205524
>
>
> THE WORLD'S LARGEST, MOST-FEARED LITERARY FRIGATE
CROW: ...No comment.
> http://jollyroger.com/beaconway/jollyroger.html
> Send join jollyroger to jolly...@jollyroger.com
>
>This is cool.
TOM: We've got a Jolly Roger post to mock. What could be cooler?
> I mean we have a perfect demonstration here
CROW: Where? Where?
TOM: It's a Jolly Roger post. The quoted text is always at the end.
MIKE: Because after all, who in their right mind would waste time paging
down through his stuff *except* to see what he's replying to?
> of
CROW: how to bore and confuse everyone on the Internet with a bunch of
fatalist, inarticulately critical pseudodeconstructionist CRAP.
> what goes on
>on a daily basis in the liberal "there are no truths so let's make up
>reality"
CROW: Oh, sort of like what you do, eh, Drake?
TOM: Or should I say Becket?
MIKE: Or should we say Elliot?
> publishing world.
CROW: So, the White House, then.
MIKE: It Takes a Village Idiot.
TOM: They make it up, that's why we call it FICTION!
> Like the one distinguishing feature of
>liberal/socialist/slackademics is that they believe themselves to be
>superior to everyone.
TOM: And, like Drake, they're wrong in this belief.
> And because they can't create words that mean
>things to the people, they don't want you to either,
MIKE: So in order to comply with their wishes, write like Drake.
> because they are
>superior to you,
CROW and TOM [singing, harmony]: Sooooo, be good for goodness' sake!
> and if they can't see a way to do it, it logically
>follows that you shouldn't be able to do it either. For as
>aforementioned, they are superior to you.
MIKE: No, Elliot, they're just superior to *you.*
TOM: And thank you for pointing out that they are.
MIKE: Let me just write that down...they...superior...got it...
> This is kinda like
>outcome-based education, and they want us all to be equal in their
>nihilism.
>
MIKE [as Drake]: "So, here I am to prove their point."
CROW: So, basically, they're trying to turn us into Dostoyevsky?
TOM [angrily]: Oh, raskolnikov!
MIKE: Vot ve do now, Clueless Leader?
>So like when you've got a good think going,
CROW: I'm not as thunk as you drink I am...
TOM: Hey -- don't bogart all the neurotransmitters!
> like THE JOLLY ROGER, the
>young socialist slackademicw devote themselves to
>twisting the Truth, contorting Reality, and denying the Facts.
TOM: Yes, like the Jolly Roger, they FAIL!
MIKE: He just admitted that the Jolly Roger is the reason liberals do
things he doesn't like. Maybe that should, I don't know, STOP THE DAMN
THING!
> They have
>no shame, and rather than attempting to Create something cool,
MIKE: And FAIL...
>artistically reflecting the Truth, they choose thunder their bold-faced
>lies and pernicious innuendoes accross the usenet.
CROW: *Whew*
MIKE: Sorry! Hey, pardon my thunder!
> They, like their
>brethern in the liberal press, understand the power of unfounded lies to
>paint a picture of Reality that suits their ambitious mediocrity.
>
TOM: Ambitious mediocrity.
CROW: Military intelligence.
MIKE: Conservative revolution.
>But they will fail in their pitiful efforts to stall THE JOLLY ROGER.
TOM [as Drake]: Because I'm WAY ahead of them.
CROW [as Drake]: I'll do it myself!
> For
>creating is more fun than destroying.
CROW: And WAY more fun than reading!
TOM: Not destroying things like this!
> If they want to grow old telling
>the world on how THE JOLLY ROGER isn't real,
CROW: Real boring.
TOM: God, I *wish* it were just a bad dream.
MIKE: History is a nightmare from which I am trying to awaken.
> that'll be cool, as speakers
>of the Truth such as Socrates, Jesus, and Rush
TOM: Um, I'll take "Comparisons from Another Planet" for one hundred,
Alex.
> were all maligned
>incessantly by the liberal elite on their way to Greatness.
CROW: Am I the only one sickened by his putting "Rush" and "greatness"
in the same paragraph?
MIKE: Hmmm... Jesus believed in helping the poor, was against the rich
elite, and was willing to forgive people for their mistakes... Wouldn't
he be a "liberal"?
> It is my
>sincere honor to have John Scalzi hate me so much that he reads me every
>day.
>
TOM: Most of us stop before we finish the first one.
CROW: o/~ Oh, my dorm-boy has a first name, it's D-R-A-K-E, o/~
TOM: o/~ He also has a second name, that's R-A-F-T, o/~
MIKE: o/~ Oh, I love to mock him every day, and if you ask me why, I'll
say... o/~
ALL: o/~ 'Cause mad McGucken has a way of showing schizophren-i-ay! o/~
MIKE: Thank you, we'll be here all week.
TOM: Enjoy the buffet.
CROW: Remember to tip your actress.
>In order to succeed as a writer, one must respect Humanity, and thus the
>Truth.
MIKE: Or write a Star Trek: Voyager episode.
> The modern liberal condescends to the former, and disregards the
>latter, and thus they're sinking in the ROGER's wake.
>
MIKE: Drake completely misses both.
TOM: And as a result...
CROW: FAILS!
>Not only did THE JOLLY ROGER get a sterling review in the Global Online
>Directory (G.O.D),
MIKE: Sinbad tested, G.O.D approved.
CROW: I guess even the GLOBAL ONLINE DIRECTORY sends reviews out to be
written by Leonard Maltin.
TOM: Oh, I think it had a much more Joel Siegel quality to it...
> but we've also been ranked in the top 5% of all WWW
>pages,
CROW: Hey, Mike, how big is five percent of the Web?
MIKE: Well, that's about three to five THOUSAND sites.
TOM: So, allowing a margin for error, there are 995,000 to 997,000 sites
*worse* than jollyroger.com.
MIKE: Yep.
TOM: I think I'm gonna be sick.
> we're a feature link at the Big Eye site, and we're featured in a
>book entitled AMAZING WEB PAGES,
TOM: Oh, like Spiderman!
MIKE & CROW: Huh??
TOM: You know... Cuz he's "Amazing", and he has webs, and... and...
> published by maranGraphics, which happens
>to be Canada's largest book publisher.
>
MIKE: Who happen to be flaming liberals.
TOM [Eric Idle]: Good for you, mum.
>And in addition to that, check out what normal people are saying about us:
>
>http://jollyroger.com/beaconway/response.html
>
MIKE: What would normal people be doing at your site?
TOM: "Dear Jolly Roger, you guys are the greatest! Elliot McGucken should
be immediately elected God, and Drake Raft is the voodoo sex icon of
the 90s! Signed, the Rolly Jogger."
>And check out what some more of them are saying about us:
>
>http://jollyroger.com/beaconway/responsem.html
>
CROW: "Dear Jolly Roger, I want to have your baby. Signed, Windy."
>
> THE CONSERVATIVE LITERARY REVOLUTION.
> THE WORLD'S LARGEST, MOST-FEARED LITERARY FRIGATE
> http://jollyroger.com/beaconway/jollyroger.html
> Send join jollyroger to jolly...@jollyroger.com
>
MIKE: Oh yes, people wake up in the middle of the night wishing they
could remember the Jolly Roger's address.
> THE JOLLY ROGER-- To be featured in the upcoming AMAZING WEB PAGES.
>
> THE JOLLY ROGER
> http://jollyroger.com/beaconway/jollyroger.html
>
CROW: So, the Jolly Roger, then.
MIKE: Jolly Roger...
TOM: The...hands of fate?
CROW: More like Pirates-a-Go-Go, I think.
>
> THE JOLLY ROGER-- AS REVIEWD BY THE GLOBAL ONLINE DIRECTORY
>
TOM: Is he going to catch that typo any time soon, d'ya think?
> The Jolly Roger
> Go here. Do not pass go.
CROW: Do NOT collect 9 sanity points.
MIKE: Or two hundred dollars. Batteries not included.
> Whatever your tastes or politics, it's
> tough not to enjoy this smart-alecky, skillfully written and
> provocative online magazine.
TOM: Unless you have brain one in your skull.
> Literary, generational and plain-old
> politics take it on the chin from this threesome.
>
MIKE: And then come back swinging to knock them on their hinders.
> http://jollyroger.com/beaconway/jollyroger.html
>
>
TOM: Mike, is it just me, or did he never actually include the piece
of alleged nihilism to which he was replying?
MIKE: Quit thinking, you'll screw up his rhythm.
CROW: Maybe he was making an ironic comment on his own meaningless spew?
MIKE: That'd require him to have a sense of irony first.
TOM: We gotta go, guys.
[Commercialsign. Buy Tide! Buy Mazda! Buy TimeWarnerTurner and Hooch!]
[concluded in part 6]
--
Austin Loomis | ROGER: This is the kid everyone's talking about? Some
ze...@io.com | people are starting to say he's Maitreya, the Future
| Buddha...
| GIDEON: They should try spending ten minutes with him.