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Jolly Roger MiSTing with Mice (4/6)

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Austin Loomis

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Jan 4, 1997, 3:00:00 AM1/4/97

[end commercialsign]

[We are down in Deep 13. Pinky and The Brain are looking over some lab
notes.]

BRAIN: Are you pondering what I'm pondering, Pinky?
PINKY: I...I think so, Brain, but where will we have room for a giant
Underdog parade balloon in here?
BRAIN: No, Pinky... these notes! It's so patently obvious that even
you should have caught it!
PINKY: What, that Whitney Houston is highly overrated?
BRAIN: Well, that too, but LOOK! [points at particular passage] He
NEVER TESTED more than one item at once! All we have to do is show
them more than one piece of bad work at one time, and they should crack
like walnuts!
PINKY: Ooooh, I like walnuts.
BRAIN: Sometimes you confuse me, Pinky.
PINKY: Well, I do my best...
BRAIN: Help me get this projector set up...*Ooof* [attempts to lift film
can, fails...] Oh, no...

[THWACK]

[Meanwhile...]

[continued from part 3]

[7,6,5,4,3,2,G!]

CROW: George Raft's brother!

>Newsgroups: alt.culture.jollyroger,alt.society.conservatism,alt.society.
>+ generation-x,alt.politics.elections,alt.philosophy.objectivism,
>+ talk.politics.libertarian,alt.politics.libertarian,alt.fan.rush-
>+ limbaugh
>
>Subject: Re: jollyroger.com NO MATTER WHO WINS TODAY, CONSERVATIVE X-ER'S OWN
>+ THE FUTURE OF LITERATURE

CROW: Conservative X-overs!
TOM: Rush Limbaugh meets Marrissa!
MIKE: The X-Files investigate Bob Dornan!

>Followup-To: alt.culture.jollyroger,alt.society.conservatism,alt.society.
>+ generation-x,alt.politics.elections,alt.philosophy.objectivism,
>+ talk.politics.libertarian,alt.politics.libertarian,alt.fan.rush-
>+ limbaugh
>Date: 7 Nov 1996 21:34:27 GMT
>Organization: The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill
>Lines: 21
>Message-ID: <55tkl3$k...@newz.oit.unc.edu>
>References: <55nr21$m...@newz.oit.unc.edu> <32819684....@news.fastlane.
>+ net>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: login5.isis.unc.edu
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]
>Xref: news.io.com alt.culture.jollyroger:1564 alt.society.conservatism:74053
>+ alt.society.generation-x:160922 alt.politics.elections:100592 alt.
>+ philosophy.objectivism:149244 talk.politics.libertarian:179566 alt.
>+ politics.libertarian:279786 alt.fan.rush-limbaugh:540218
>
>Dude--

MIKE: 'Sup, dog?

> this isn't a mailing-list. It's a newsgroup.
>
MIKE: How observant.
TOM: And you may tell yourself, "This is not my beautiful boat!"

>The world's largest literary frigate can be read at
>
CROW: Oh, frigate.
MIKE: You're on warning, Crow.

>http://jollyroger.com/beaconway/jollyroger.html
>
MIKE: I am Ahab of Jollyroger. Resistance is futile. You will be grunge-
servatized.

>John Hattan (hat...@fastlane.net) wrote:
>: dra...@email.unc.edu (Drake Raft) wrote:
>
>: >Avast! No matter who wins the elections,

CROW: More than half the electrons will continue to be wasted.

> the future of literature is
>: >owned by the honest, free-thinking individual. So like vote for Greatness

MIKE: Like, no.
CROW: Is this supposed to, like, make him look intelligent?

>: >by signing yer soul aboard the world's largest, most-feared literary
>: >frigate.

MIKE: No more frigate jokes, you two.
CROW: Yes, sign your soul away at...

> Send "join jollyroger" to jolly...@jollyroger.com.
>
>: unsubscribe
>
MIKE: There's your answer. He was pre-emptively unsubscribing.
TOM: Since he knew he wouldn't be allowed to unsubscribe if he ever did
sign up with the Jolly Blather.
MIKE: Smart choice, John!

>: ---
>: John Hattan High UberPopeness -The First Church of Shatnerology

MIKE: First Church of SHATNEROLOGY??
CROW: I'm in hell....
TOM: No, that's... [imitating Shatner] 'I'm... in hell... Help me,
Spock!"

>: The Code Zone Sweet Software for a Saturnine World
>: hat...@fastlane.net http://www.fastlane.net/~hattan/
>
CROW: Hat tan? Is that anything like a suntan uniform?

>Path: news.io.com!interval.net!arlut.utexas.edu!geraldo.cc.utexas.edu!cs.
>+ utexas.edu!newshost.convex.com!newsgate.duke.edu!news-server.ncren.net!
>+ news_server.cs.unc.edu!newz.oit.unc.edu!drake-
>From: dra...@email.unc.edu (Drake Raft)
>Newsgroups: alt.culture.jollyroger,alt.society.conservatism,alt.society.
>+ generation-x,alt.politics.elections,alt.philosophy.objectivism,
>+ talk.politics.libertarian,alt.politics.libertarian,alt.fan.rush-
>+ limbaugh
>
>Subject: Re: jollyroger.com NO MATTER WHO WINS TODAY, CONSERVATIVE X-ER'S OWN
>+ THE FUTURE OF LITERATURE

CROW: No wonder people aren't reading as much...
MIKE: "Why is Johnny Detached?"

MIKE: Tonight, on "It's the Mind," we examine the phenomenon of deja vu.

>Date: 7 Nov 1996 21:44:44 GMT
>Organization: The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill
>Lines: 36
>Message-ID: <55tl8c$k...@newz.oit.unc.edu>
>References: <55nr21$m...@newz.oit.unc.edu> <55oncf$p...@news.acns.nwu.edu>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: login5.isis.unc.edu
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]
>Xref: news.io.com alt.culture.jollyroger:1565 alt.society.conservatism:74054
>+ alt.society.generation-x:160923 alt.politics.elections:100593 alt.
>+ philosophy.objectivism:149245 talk.politics.libertarian:179567 alt.
>+ politics.libertarian:279787 alt.fan.rush-limbaugh:540219
>
> THE JOLLY ROGER
> http://jollyroger.com/beaconway/jollyroger.html
>
>Dude--

MIKE: Groovy.

> we're like saving Western Civilization, navigating flawlessly

MIKE: Isn't "like" supposed to mean "so to speak"?
TOM: "We're, so to speak, saving Western Civilization..."

>through the

TOM [as Drake]: "confusing mire of our own bizarre treatises on just
how society would be so much better if people would pay attention to
us..."

> postmodern fog, blowing slackademics out of the water with

MIKE: Pure DADA!

>shots fired in the context of the Western Canon.

CROW: Ready the Western Canon!
TOM: Aye-aye, Cap'n Crow!
CROW: FIRE CONTEXT SHOTS!
TOM: CONTEXT SHOTS AWAY!
MIKE [woodenly]: "OUCH! I'm a slackademic, and I couldn't be MORE blown
out of the water. *SIGH* this blows. Anyone for Starbucks? I am
just so defeated by `Drake's' confusing diatribes that I guess I'll
just quit being a scholar completely."

> We're like twenty-seven
>years old,

TOM: "We're, so to speak, 27 years old..."

> and all the liberally-dominated tabloids like THE CHRONICLE OF

TOM: "...all the liberally dominated tabloids, so to speak, The CH-"
MIKE: Um, Tom, I don't think he meant it that way, there.
TOM: Ooh... Oops.

>HIGHER EDUCATION and WIRED are ignoring us,

TOM [as Drake]: "Because we're morons."
CROW [cockney]: "o/~ Because we're morons/Morons from outer space... o/~"

> thereby lending us a supreme
>credibility.

TOM: Uhm, what the hell is he talking about?
CROW: Chronicle and Wired just called...they want their supreme
credibility back.

> Make no mistake-- the next millenium, along with half of
>eternity,

MIKE: No, it only seems like half of eternity, because you are still
writing.

> is ours. So keep on doing yer drugs and pursuing yer fleeting,
>materialistic pleasures, but I say that our words are penned in the
>service of God.

TOM: Despite attempts by God's lawyers to make "Drake" stop.

> It is understandable that you would want to keep children
>on drugs, so that they won't notice that

MIKE [as Drake]: "People like me have nothing to say, but say it anyway."

> Joyce Carol Oates is
>desecrating their heritage,

TOM: By making them THINK!
CROW: What sacrilege...

> but we would prefer it if they read the Great
>Books.

CROW: The Great Gatsby...
TOM: The Great Santini...
MIKE: The Great Train Robbery...

> Sign yer soul aboard, if ye can, me merry matie.

MIKE: Because "Drake" needs a soul badly.

> For ye might not
>have one, having bought into all that
>Darwinian-Freudian-hand-waving-psycho-babble-corrupted-physics-postmodern
>crap.
>
CROW: He's just stringing a bunch of words together, isn't he?
MIKE: Pretty much...
TOM: I might not have a soul! I DON'T THINK EXACTLY LIKE "DRAKE"!
MIKE: I'm sorry for you, Tom.

>There's a literary revolution underway, blown upon the winds of a

MIKE [singing]: How many posts must a man wade through...before you can
call him a maaaaan?
ALL [singing]: The answer, my friends, is blowin' in the wind...Drake's
bloomers are blowin' in the wiiiiiind! [laughter]

>democracy awakening to the reality of its moral imagination. Woe to all
>those who would get in its immutable, foreordained path!
>
CROW: For they shall be bored senseless!
TOM: "Immutable, foreordained path"? Oh, he's a Marxist.
>
>Norman R Nithman (nrn...@merle.acns.nwu.edu) wrote:

MIKE: Norman Neat, your man on the street!

>: Y'know, I didn't think I could lose any more respect for NAS (National
>: Association of Scholars) until I saw they had linked to your page.
>
CROW: Yeah, that'd make me lose respect for them.

>: In article <55nr21$m...@newz.oit.unc.edu>,
>: Drake Raft <dra...@email.unc.edu> wrote:
>: >Avast! No matter who wins the elections, the future of literature is
>: >owned by the honest, free-thinking individual. So like vote for Greatness

TOM: "So, so to speak, vote for Greatness..."

>: >by signing yer soul aboard the world's largest, most-feared literary
>: >frigate.

MIKE: He's right about being feared. Feared by anyone who sees him walking
down the street.
TOM: Correct me if I'm a liberal, but didn't he once whine about Those
Evil Postmodernists trying to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over
the souls of our children?

> Send "join jollyroger" to jolly...@jollyroger.com.
>: --
>: Norman Nithman n...@tezcat.com www.tezcat.com/~nrn
>
TOM: We gotta go, guys.

[G,2,3,4,5,6,7!]

BRAIN: NOW, Pinky!

[Twin projectors suddenly flare to life, flooding the SOL bridge with twin
salvos of 'bot fodder: _Waterworld_ (given the Film Ventures International
treatment and rereleased as _Fishtar_) and _Brainsmasher: a love story_.]

MIKE: AAAAHHHH!
TOM: Next...time...on...Emergency...9...1...1!

[Crow spins around out of control.]

MIKE: Gypsy! We've got a red alert! Tom's stuck in Shatner mode and
Crow's out of it! I...Can't move!
GYPSY [Off-camera]: What's wrong? I'm on my way...
MIKE: NOOO! Don't come onto the bridge! Just execute Emergency Plan
PPB!!
GYPSY: P...P...?? Ohhhhh, Emergency Plan PPB! Just a second...

[Cambot, blurrily, switches view to Gypsy. She swallows a bathtub full of
ping-pong balls and shuts off her eye. Cambot follows her as she blindly
makes her way to the bridge. Suddenly, as if acting on memory, she stops,
right in front of the UMBILICUS port. Opening the hatch with her nose, she
spits the ping-pong balls into the port, closes the hatch, primes it, and
sets it for maximum pressure.]

MIKE: That's...IT, girl! Push that button!

[Gypsy does just that. As Mike and the 'bots cringe, spin, and scream,
suddenly thousands of ping-pong balls barrage the unlucky mice at Deep 13,
bowling them over, and knocking the projectors over. The movies stop.]

MIKE: Good job, Gypsy. You're a life-saver.

[Gypsy turns her eye on, and humbly bows.]

TOM: Yeah, Gypsy, I don't know what we'd have done without you.
GYPSY: Probably died a slow, horrible death.
CROW: We'll be riiiiight back.

[Commercialsign. Wanna buy a house, with little or no money down? How
'bout some jeans? Or a cabinet refacing job?]

[continued in part 5]
--
Austin Loomis | GIDEON: I doubt it. I've got two too many balls for
ze...@io.com | *her* class. Our Jolly's a notorious *lesbian,* leads
| a dyke activist cell called the *Poison Pussies.*
| -- _Invisibles_ v.2#1

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