Jolly Roger MiSTing with Mice (2/6)
Austin Loomis
[continued from part 1]
Commercials for videos to teach good manners to your evil spawn and ads
for cheap ab workout devices abound.
[End commercial sign. We join Mike and the 'bots already in the Theater.]
>Path: news.io.com!interval.net!arlut.utexas.edu!geraldo.cc.utexas.edu!cs.
MIKE: Geraldo? NOOOO!!!
>+ utexas.edu!newshost.convex.com!newsgate.duke.edu!news-server.ncren.net!
>+ news_server.cs.unc.edu!newz.oit.unc.edu!drake-
>From: dra...@email.unc.edu (Drake Raft)
TOM: Ludwig von Drake, NO!
>Newsgroups: alt.culture.jollyroger,
CROW: Where kids eat for half price!
TOM: All-you-can-eat fish sticks on Wednesdays!
> alt.feminism,alt.society.generation-x,
CROW: Damn. For a second, I thought that said alt.society.generation-xxx.
MIKE: Well, we're getting screwed here, if that's any consolation...
> alt.
>+ fan.rush-limbaugh,alt.society.conservatism,alt.politics.usa.
>+ republican,rec.arts.books
>
>Subject: www.jollyroger.com WHY INTELLIGENT WOMEN LOVE DRAKE RAFT & GREAT
>+ AMERICAM POETRY
MIKE: As seen on the official Late Show Ameri-Cam.
TOM: Was re: WHY PIGS FLY AND RATE HIKES FROM THE PHONE COMPANY REALLY
ARE TEMPORARY.
>Date: 5 Nov 1996 16:30:40 GMT
>Organization: The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill
>Lines: 148
>Message-ID: <55nq3g$m...@newz.oit.unc.edu>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: login3.isis.unc.edu
TOM: "Logan"- hey, that's Wolverine's real name! Sorta...
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]
TOM: X-Reader? Like the X-Me-
MIKE: Enough with the comic book references, Tom.
TOM & CROW: THEY'RE GRAHPIC NOVELS!
MIKE: <sigh>
>Xref: news.io.com alt.culture.jollyroger:1550
TOM: You misspelled 5150. Hope this helps.
> alt.feminism:223753 alt.society.
>+ generation-x:160774 alt.fan.rush-limbaugh:538916 alt.society.
>+ conservatism:73725 alt.politics.usa.republican:393175 rec.arts.
>+ books:205177
>
> THE CONSERVATIVE LITERARY REVOLUTION.
> THE WORLD'S LARGEST, MOST-FEARED LITERARY FRIGATE
CROW: Hey, you can't say "Frig it!" It's against the CDA!
MIKE: That law never made it. Besides, it's "frigate." You know, the
ship?
CROW: You mean ANYONE can say it??
MIKE: Well, yeah, I...
CROW AND TOM: Frigate! Frigate! Frigate! Frigate! Frigate! Frigate! Frigate!
Frigate! Frigate! Frigate! Frigate! Frigate! Frigate! Frigate! Frigate!
Frigate! Frigate! Frigate! Frigate! Frigate! Frigate!
MIKE: Okay, that's enough!
> http://jollyroger.com/beaconway/jollyroger.html
> Send join jollyroger to jolly...@jollyroger.com
>
CROW: You will obey. The Jolly Roger is the mother, the Jolly Roger is
the father.
>Below is the last letter I received from my girlfriend, just before the
>vindictive, mendicant liberals
MIKE: turned her into mulch.
TOM: And cheese dip.
> murdered her. The Pumpkin's Meloncolly
TOM: Was probably the motive.
>was still playin' in the CD player when she was found.
>
TOM: It was DEFINITELY the motive.
CROW: She was found in a CD player...?
>If this has happened to anyone out there, I would be interested in
>comiserating with you, or something.
MIKE: If this happens to me, I am sure as Hell not going to come back
to talk to *him.*
> Please drop me a line at
>dr...@jollyroger.com
>
MIKE: Gee, I WISH I could remember this guy's address...
TOM: Dear Jollyroger, I am a freshman at a small Midwestern college.
One day, I put a crappy "alternative" CD in my boom box, and...
CROW: Wait. You want a line? Here's one. "Hey baby, what's your sign."
Try it, it works.
TOM: On people with Elliot's intellect, that is.
>Today I am seeking vengeance aboard THE JOLLY ROGER,
MIKE: Shon'Kar!
> the largest academic
>journal on the WWW and the cynosure of modern literature.
CROW: You, yes YOU, can buy your VERY...OWN...THESAURUS!
TOM: And then hang out with Grimjack.
> You can sign
>aboard and get some
CROW: Unlike the author of THIS masterpiece.
MIKE: Okay, that's enough from you!
> too, or just sit back and relax on a deck-chair, and
>watch on as I deliver my Wrath.
>
CROW: Of Khan?
MIKE: This explains everything. He's a disgruntled postal worker!
TOM (as Ricardo Montalban): Because Revenge is a dish best served COLD!
CROW (as Ricardo Montalban): Weeth fine Coreeenthian Leathairrrrr...
TOM [Shatner]: KHAAAAAANNNNN!!!!!
> http://jollyroger.com/beaconway/jollyroger.html
> http://jollyroger.com http://jollyroger.com/beaconway/grungervative
>
CROW: Put that in your "Bookmarks for the BrainDead" file.
MIKE: A grungervative...That's like a conservative who hasn't bathed
recently.
CROW: In other words...
ALL: A conservative.
>Windy believed in the eternal, in enduring love, and thus in the Truth.
TOM: About Cats and Dogs and Whining, Long-Winded Wimps.
>The Resentnik$, who long ago seized control of our intellectual
>in$titution$,
TOM: UN-authorized DI$$EMINATION and REPRODUCTION of this IMPORTANT
INFORMATION is ENCOURAGED.
MIKE: I'm guessing he watched an episode of Arli$$ before putting this
together...
> punished her,
CROW: in the name of the Moon!
> and then abandoned her to the Hollywood
>vultures and pernicious postmodernists.
>
MIKE: He adores alliteration.
CROW: ba-doom-boom-TSSH!
>The liberals fear the deeper Truths, for the subtle assaults the
>superficial,
MIKE: Well, then, why do they fear this guy?
> and the sober indicts the pornagraphic culture by which
>liberals derive their power.
>
MIKE [as Joe Elliot from Def Leppard]: o/~ Pornograaaaaaph...! I don't
want your/Pornograaaaaaph...! I don't need your... o/~
TOM: Why is this guy complaining about porn?
CROW: The shock of opening up Playboy and seeing his mom as the centerfold
drove him away from it.
MIKE: Crow, that was just going too far. No ramchips for you.
TOM: But Mike, you...
>Ahoy! Liberals strip kids down for ads, sell us pornagraphic nihilism to
CROW: He's now spelled "pornographic" wrong twice...
MIKE: Ummm... Thanks, Crow, for pointing that out. Don't ever do it
again.
>erode our souls so we don't notice that feminist professors are destroying
>the peaks of culture,
CROW: And turning them into Black Hole Exceptions.
TOM: Nobody's gonna get that, Goldenrod.
> thus eradicating the Way by which one might climb up
>out of the postmodern fog.
TOM: Is _The Postmodern Fog_ the sequel to _The Fog_?
> And the feminists destroy the peaks of higher
>culture,
CROW: *With Black Hole Exceptions.
> making it ever more difficult to climb out of the postmodern fog,
TOM: But opening up the way for all sorts of redundancy.
MIKE: I used to have a Postmodern Fog jacket...
>so as to ensure that we remain numb to the fact that we have no
>alternative to the alternative,
ALL: To the alternative to the alternative...
> nihilistic crap which the corporate
>liberals erode our souls with.
CROW: Mike, what's deja vu?
MIKE: The feeling you've done something before.
> And the corporate liberals erode our souls
>with their
CROW: Kierkegaard. Their...Mother Theresa...their Surak...
TOM: Next...on...Emergency 9...1...1.
> substance-inspired fog
CROW: Postmodern Foghat!
> so that we won't notice that the
>resentnik feminists are eradicating the peaks
CROW: The twin peaks?
MIKE: The _tawny_ peaks!
TOM: Pike's peaks!
CROW: Reese's peaks...oh, never mind.
> of our intellectual
>heritage.
CROW: Mike, what's deja vu?
MIKE: The feeling you've done something before.
> Ahoy!
CROW: Ahoy! Check!
TOM: You're Mister Obscure References tonight, Goldenrod.
CROW: Shut up, R2.
> This generation
TOM: o/~ People try to put him down! o/~
MIKE: o/~ Talkin' 'bout this generation! o/~
CROW: o/~ Just because he gets around! o/~
> is assaulted on all sides I say! Thus
>this generation enters into Holy Matrimony
CROW (the vicar from The Princess Bride): Mawwidge! Twue wove!
> being told, Heads it shall
>prevail, and Tails it won't.
CROW: Well, they enter into marriage giving h... [muffled as Mike clamps
his beak shut with a well placed clamp]
MIKE: That's it. No ramchips for you.
TOM: But you already...
> 'Tis a conspiracy so immense,
TOM: and immortal.
> 'gainst eternal
>love! And thus Windy's Last Letter:
>
TOM: Reprinted ad nauseam.
>
>Drake--
>
TOM [falsetto]: You're a dink. I'm dumping you for Andrea Dworkin.
You've turned me off men forever.
CROW: MMPH!
[Mike removes the clamp.]
> I'm writing this letter to tell you that I can see you are looking
>for something I don't have.
MIKE [falsetto]: Taste.
CROW [falsetto]: The ability to stay with really stupid men.
> I know you gave a girl your sonnets
TOM [falsetto]: And I hope she was disappointed by their free-verse meter
too.
MIKE: Drake Raft. Truly a Renaissance Ditto-head.
> (not
>because I was snooping but because I
TOM: tapped your phone.
> ran *so fast* up the hill
CROW: to escape your droning voice and malodorous breath.
> & skipped
>dinner
TOM [falsetto]: because I'm anorexic.
> that I had free time so I decided to read Neitchez (spelling?)
CROW: Natchez?
TOM: Nachos?
MIKE: You misspelled "Nietzsche" for the umpteenth time. Hope this helps.
TOM: He can afford a Thesaurus but a dictionary? Never!
MIKE: Obviously! The Liberals have taken over the staff at Webster's.
> &
>instead I found that paper that made me so sad I cannot even describe it
>to you.
TOM: Is it just me, or is there a close-paren missing there?
MIKE: Wait until the end of the letter. Maybe it'll show up.
> I guess I'm just an all-or-nothing kind of girl & we had it all--
TOM [as Bernie Higgins]: o/~ Just like Bogie and Bacallll.... o/~
MIKE [as Windy]: "But since you dumped me like yesterday's garbage, I
have nothing..."
>I mean it was truly happy with you,
MIKE: It?
TOM: I think she means her dog. Liked being around someone of similar
IQ.
> but now it's time to end it all.
CROW [falsetto]: So I'm cancelling my Internet connection.
TOM: How will this end?
CROW (cool howling and music): In fire. (More cool howling and music)
>There's still so much I want to say and do and talk about with you but it
>doesn't always work out (in fact it never really does) so I guess it's
>goodbye.
TOM: Just wanted to say, Ha Ha.
> I want you to know that I believe what we had was true love--
MIKE [falsetto]: Especially when you wore leather and used the whips and
chains on me...
> I
>don't think you could deny it although you may try (afterall, isn't that
>what we're supposed to do?) I also believe love is forever, so where does
>that leave me when you want someone else--
CROW: On the ash-heap of history.
TOM: How about lucky? FREE?
> in the dumps that's where-- but
>enough about that-- I don't want you to feel bad or worry about me.
MIKE: After all, you felt bad enough when I was still here.
CROW [Windy]: I'm going to kill myself 'cuz I can't have you. But don't
feel bad for me or nothin'!
> I
>know you would because you're a nice guy.
MIKE: Oh, he wrote this letter to HIMSELF!
> I just want you to remember
>happy times like in your words "the way we could play tennis for three
>hours,
CROW: I always won, of course.
> and how we played raquet ball one night, and
CROW [falsetto]: football, and hopscotch, and...
> then we played where's
>waldo,
TOM: So they're what, six years old?
CROW: Maybe she's referring to some sex game.
MIKE: Crow! Keep it TV-PG or no more ramchips!
TOM: But...
> and
CROW [falsetto]: then you put your pants back on...
MIKE: No more ramchips for you, young bot.
TOM: You already...
> how you came to Denver and woke me up a few times
CROW: while I was driving.
TOM [Dumb guy voice]: Windy! Wake up! Rush is making fun of Clinton
again!
CROW [falsetto]: I wish I was dead.
> & how we went
>to Duke Gardens that one day--
TOM: You know, that one time when we did that thing with those people.
MIKE: Would that be David Duke Gardens??
> the first time and you were wearing yellow
MIKE: roses!
CROW: ribbons!
>shorts and a blue shirt,
TOM: And a fetching purple sombrero!
CROW: Yee-ha! Yee-ha! Andale!
MIKE: She's obsessive. Or anal retentive.
> and how we tried rafting once this summer, and
>didn't get too far,
TOM [falsetto]: But you never get too far with anything you do...
> and how you went over the waterfall on your own."
CROW: Why did you have to ruin that all by surviving the fall?
MIKE: Five bucks says he was pushed by the rest of the group.
> Of
>course you said it so perfectly and what we shared was/is so vivid to me
CROW: Like a traumatizing train wreck!
TOM: Remember to worship at the railroad of your choice!
>that I can't begin to look for anything else.
MIKE: Because the government cut my student funding and I had to hock
my eyeballs.
> All I can do is wait for the
MIKE [falsetto]: hurting to stop.
>only one I'll ever love.
TOM (as Gypsy): Richard Basehart.
> The pain of loneliness is an indication of how
CROW [falsetto]: you will spend the rest of your life.
>close we are to the people we were last year.
TOM: Before our bodies were replaced with emotionless pod beings.
CROW: DON'T FALL ASLEEP! THEY'RE COMING!
> Every new person you're
>attracted to seems like
CROW: a morally challenged, longwinded fathead.
> the right one because there's potential for love
MIKE: At least, until they actually meet him.
>and they exist as what you make of them and see in thembut
TOM: A THEMBUT? Mike, what's a Thembut?
MIKE: I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
> we made it a
TOM [singing]: o/~ Looks like we maaade it! o/~
CROW: Barry Manilow is everywhere. You just have to know where to look.
>long time and there's more to us and I can't imagine ever being happier
TOM [falsetto]: but I never had much of an imagination.
MIKE [falsetto]: but if you'll give me two seconds, I might be able to
comprehend it.
>with anyone else or ever loving anyone as much as you Drake.
MIKE: Yada, yada, yada.
> I love you
>so much and I'm sad
CROW: Huh. *I'm* sad and I can't STAND him. Go fig.
> because more than any memories I remember your words
CROW [falsetto] like "cynosure" and "grungervative" and... Geez, you
ARE a dink!
>and your way and I can't explain to you why I love you so much but I'll
>still try.
TOM: If *Elliot* thinks we believe FOR ONE SECOND that someone else wrote
this about him, he IS living in a fantasy world.
> When I said, "you actually can love almost anyone-- it's the
MIKE: only chance Drake has of surviving!"
>way we're made,"
CROW: Actually, it's harder for girls, because...
MIKE: Enough.
> I guess it was my justification for thinking I loved
>Jeff--
MIKE: Jeff? Who's Jeff?
CROW: He's the mascot for Toys-R-Us!
> I mean you can have/make wonderful special memories with anyone and
>you can look forward to hearing voice or feeling anyone's touch-- it's not
>too hard to fill those shoes--
CROW: Hence, her relationship with Drake.
> it is I believe honestly the way we're
>made. In saying that I was trying to make you understand that I
>appreciate something beyond that in you.
TOM [Windy]: Given more time, I'd even be able to figure out what that is.
CROW: But that way lies madness.
> Love's really about the person
>and how they make the world seem to you. And of course when I can feel
MIKE [falsetto]: my lunch coming up, I think of you, Drake.
>you slipping away I convine myself you're cynical and rthat I don't need
>you but the truth is
CROW: you sicken me. Has to be true, Prak said so.
> you're not and I do need you. I love you Drake.
>Please come back. I'm sorry, I
TOM: didn't know the gun was loaded when I pointed it at your head and
fired it twelve times. Honest.
> know you don't owe me anything and please
CROW [falsetto]: realize just how desperate I am if I'm asking *you*
to come back...
>don't call unless you miss me so much you can't live without me.
TOM: Isn't this over yet? Now I know why she's called WINDY.
> Quite
>frankly I can exist without you, but I just can't live without you.
MIKE: For God's sake, TRY!!
> "I
>love you because you make the earth come alive for me, and you've got to
TOM [falsetto]: make Mars and Saturn come alive for me, so I'll have
the complete set!"
>believe me when I say I love you more than anyone else I've ever met,
CROW [falsetto]: because I don't get out much at all."
>'cause I've got no reason to lie."
MIKE: Poetry by Bazooka Joe comics.
CROW: Value...50 comics.
> See, I can remember a poet's words when
>they speak to me the way yours did. I know some of your sonnets by
MIKE: the books you STOLE them from...
>heart-- did you ever know that?" did you ever know I cared so much that I
>did stupid things like
TOM: going out in public with you, knowing the intense hatred all mankind
bears for your obnoxious, pretentious soul.
> join a sorrority in case you Drake, the most
>precious thing in the world were loosing interest. It's like your poems--
ALL: Pointless and irrelevant!
>they're so perfect and it's when it's all you have to go by the person
>seems perfect too, but you get to know them and they're not but you love
>them anyway because you know that they know
MIKE: But do *they* know that *you* know that they know?
> what perfection is at least
>and they feel like you do. We just have these rotten conditions to
>survive in and how easy it is to prevail with just one human by your side
MIKE: to fawn on you and need you and cling to you like a leech...
>who supports you and sees what's going on also. Love is so delicate
>because it's a constant battle with
MIKE: the Nation of France.
> fear but we're young and we know just
>enough to want to fight the battle. Or maybe you're past the point.
CROW: There's a point?
> I
>don't want to make it a year or however long with someone-- develop a bond
>that can conquer fear-- that is true love-- only to give up at the
>beginning of the struggle
TOM: No, it's much better to give up immediately.
> and find someone new who I think I can find a
>stronger bond with-- that's not love-- it's fear plain and simple. Fear
>that love isn't enough because we're "young" fear that we could be missing
TOM: several commas...
MIKE: the point...
>out on someone or something better because we have a committment. I know
>it's wrong because I believed it at the beginning of the year and gave you
>up
MIKE: Good job!
> and now I know caring about a person and making it work is the most
>noble thing you can do on this Earth.
CROW: Not bright, but noble...
> I need to proove to myself that
>love is strongest in me and that this world can't get me down and so I
TOM [falsetto]: need you to do it for me!
>will wait for you: Drake I'm only nineteen but the feelings I have are
CROW: ill-advised.
>just as real and strong as I'll ever have so when I say I love you I know
MIKE [falsetto]: just how pathetic my life really is...
>I'll love you when I'm forty, fifty and even when I'm not in this world
>anymore.
CROW: And remember, no sex when I'm dead. Stop begging.
MIKE: That's it, no ramchips for you.
TOM: But you...and then...ah screw it.
MIKE: No ramchips for you either.
> Why give up? Will you find something better?
MIKE: He could *find* something better, but getting that thing to talk
to him never happened.
> Do you hope to?
CROW: Well, get over yourself, 'cause it ain't gonna happen! Have you
looked at yourself in the mirror? Do you even OWN a hairbrush?
>Do you hope to be happier than you were at the beach or even at home alone
>knowing someone loved you? Two hearts as one Drake-- we didn't even have
MIKE [falsetto]: a brain between us.
>to try. There was no fear. Now all I have is hope. I also have a very
TOM: nice microwave oven?
MIKE: weak memory?
CROW: solid Internet connection?
>strong-will and idealistic view of love going for me so I'll never give up
CROW: Scrabble!
>on you. Maybe all you'll ever feel for me is pity when you're 40 and
MIKE: Even more pathetic!
>maried and have a familyand
TOM: Familyland, the themepark for families.
CROW: Fun and terror for all ages!
TOM: Terror?
CROW: Well if it's run by Drake, then you better bet there'll be terror.
Pain, fear and death and pleasant flights. And Marie, like he said.
MIKE: Guys, the letter said "family and" with no space.
BOTS: Ohhh.
> read these words and know that I'm alone
>thinking of my youthful love and eternal hope that we will someday be
>together. Oh fooey.
TOM: Fighters!
> I'll probably be old and gray and living alone next
>door in secret and shuffling through your mail and spying on your family
CROW: and boiling your daughter's pet bunny.
TOM: You know, in court this could be used as evidence in some sort of
murder case when she snaps and kills him.
CROW: But she's dead.
TOM: Oh yeah.
BOTS: Ding, dong, the witch is dead.
MIKE: Come on, guys, that's just cruel. She didn't *ask* Elliot to invent
her.
>and I'll be so sad the rest of my life without you but I don't care
>because it's all so insignificant anyway and it's raining now
MIKE [as Shannon Hoon]: "o/~ All I can say is that my life is pretty
plain... o/~"
> and there
>are other things I love as much as you that keep me company like the rain
>and books (yes it's true) and like music. Drake whatever happens please
TOM [falsetto]: stay away from my family.
>be happy and smile a lot and show the world you're different and write
>beautiful paradoxes for men to ponder and ponder the paradox that you even
>wrote them.
MIKE: Just like you wrote this letter.
> and think of me once in awhile and smile and wonder how I am
MIKE: You know, do you think that mocking a girl's suicide letter is
morally wrong?
TOM: Only if she exists.
>and know I still love you Drake-- forever.
MIKE [falsetto]: "Love, Drake Raft."
CROW: Was that supposed to be one long sympathy play?
TOM: Think so.
CROW: Are we sympathetic?
MIKE: Nope.
> --Windy
>
TOM: Nope. No close-paren.
[short pause]
CROW: So... Should we?
MIKE: We _have_ to...
ALL: [singing] Everyone knows she's Windy!
>
>To help us deliver Justice to
CROW: Drake Raft, who dumped Windy like a hot rock and now seeks to shift
blame for her suicide to a fictitious conspiracy!
MIKE: Yep. "Drake" talking about "love being eternal" is like Newt
talking about "Family Values" even though he left his wife and has dodged
paying child support...
> the pernicious liberals,
TOM: So, wait... Where was the part in her letter where we find out
that "liberals" were responsible for her death???
> sign aboard The
>Jolly Roger by sending the message, join jollyroger , to
>jolly...@jollyroger.com.
>
ALL [hands or equivalent on hearts]: "With liberty and justice for all."
CROW: MAN, if I could only remember the address...
>
>Or sign your soul aboard at
http://jollyroger.com/beaconway/jollyroger.html
>
MIKE: Satan T. Lucifer Jones is standing by.
TOM: It's that time.
[G,2,3,4,5,6,7!]
GYPSY: Well, Mike, the ship's all cleaned up, and back on course, and....
[looks at Hexfield] WHOooooooooAAAAAH! [scampers off]
[Two mice are on the Hexfield Viewscreen. They are, of course, Pinky and
the Brain.]
BRAIN: Greetings, travelers, sojourners above the Earth.
CROW: Who the Heck Ramsey are you, and why did you scare Gypsy?!
BRAIN: I am the Brain, and this [indicates other mouse] is my associate,
Pinky.
PINKY: Naaaaaarf! How did all of you get inside that funny box?
BRAIN [smacking Pinky]: Quiet, Pinky. This is merely a viewscreen. They
are talking to us from a giant satellite in geosynchronous orbit
thousands of miles above the Earth.
MIKE: Yeah, that's right, so if you could just get us down...
BRAIN: We will do nothing of the sort, foolish human. As of now, you
are mere pawns in my plan to... TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
TOM: Oh, bite me. You're just a pair of lab rats...
BRAIN: We are MICE.
TOM: Mice, whatever. How in Hell could you take over an entire planet?
And what would you do with it?
BRAIN: I shall burn that bridge when I come to it.
PINKY: Ooooh, look, Brain! An animal with two bottoms! Poit!
BRAIN: Concentrate, Pinky. Concentrate on matters at hand!
CROW: Well, why can't we...uh, help you take over the world from down
there?
BRAIN: Because you must continue to absorb bad fiction. I must see how
much you can take before your feeble minds SNAP!
MIKE: So, you're basically taking over Dr. Forrester's research?
BRAIN: YyyyyyyyES! Soon, we will discover the minimum duration and
concentration of bad film, television, and print media necessary to
destroy the human brain, and then... the world will be mine! YES!
TOM: So, it's never occurred to you that the work we've been slogging
through for the last eight years is proof that that's already happened?
BRAIN: Well, I...Hmmm. I never considered this... Drat. I shall have
to recheck my figures...
CROW: We'll be right back.
[Commercialsign]
[The box in your living room tries to convince you that you need a greasy
hamburger, some breath freshener sold by gourmand George Kennedy, and the
complete M*A*S*H video collection.]
[continued in part 3]
--
Austin Loomis | "Me? I'm the evil mastermind behind the scenes. I'm
ze...@io.com | the wicked puppeteer who pulls the strings and makes
| you dance. I'm Grant. I'm your writer."
| -- Grant Morrison, _Animal Man_ #26