You know what we haven t had enough of around here lately? Anything! There s
barely even any spam. But also, it s been far too long since anyone posted a
Katie Kaboom story. So wait no longer! For your reading pleasure [sic],
alt.tv.animaniacs proudly presents Katie Kaboom in:
THE BIG 1-0
(for those of you speaking hexadecimal. (It s like Wunna Pekke for computers.))
[The scene opens on an ordinary household on an ordinary day in an
ordinary place.]
KATIE: [Running back and forth anxiously] Oh, oh, it s almost time for my
party to start! Everything s got to be perfect!!
KATIE S MOTHER: Calm down, sweetheart, it s all under control.
KATIE S FATHER: Sure, I m going to warm up the record player right now!
Where are those LP s again...?
KATIE: [Turning to Mrs. Kaboom in desperation] Mother!!!
MOTHER: Don t worry, he s just teasing. He s got all the music you picked out.
FATHER: [Pretending to look hurt] Nothing wrong with the music we used to
listen to, once upon a time.
KATIE: That was last *century*!
FATHER: What, don t kids listen to the Beatles any more?
You know, speaking of the olden days, a sweet-sixteen party used to be
the time that a young lady made her debut into society in order to
introduce herself to any eligible bachelors.
[Turning to his wife] Ah, what do you think, dear? Will any royalty
come courting, do you suppose? I think we should, ah, hold out for a
substantial dowry. Recoup some of our investment, y know...
KATIE: [to Mrs. Kaboom] Please don t let him embarrass me in front of my
friends!
FATHER: Now, now, don t fret, pumpkin; I-I ll behave myself.
MOTHER: See, Katie? We ve got the music ready, the decorations are up, the
food is prepared. It ll be your best birthday party yet!
KATIE: Um... there is one other thing. I know it s last minute, but it s the
latest thing and all the kids are doing it, and I ve just got to have
some and PLEASE, I ve simply got to, you can t make me have my sweet-16
party without them, I just--
MOTHER: Katie, Katie, without WHAT?
KATIE: [Practically crying] Fireworks! I need fireworks!
FATHER: Fireworks!?! Now listen, dear, we can t just run out and get
fireworks! Your guests will be here any minute, and--
KATIE: No, it s really easy, Tinker knows this place just down the highway,
you could be there and back in no time!
TINKER: [Wilting under the glare from both his parents] Oh, I ve never been
there, I only heard about it from this kid at school, see, OK, one
time his big brother took him to this place and he bought a jumbo
firecracker, and it blew his eyebrows off and he had to draw eyebrows
on with a marker until they grew back. 'Kay, I m going to go play in
my room now, 'bye! [He scampers off]
FATHER: I m sorry, Katie, we re not going to get illegal fireworks for your
party! It s dangerous, and it--
KATIE: [Screaming] It s not fair! You NEVER do anything I want!!!
I couldn t rent a hall, I couldn t have a helicopter, I couldn t get a
pony! All my friends get to have great parties, but you always try to
punish me and what am I supposed to tell them and you can t do this to
me and blah blah blah, etc.
MOTHER: Honey, you have to understand: all those things cost a lot of money,
and it s not like on TV wh--
KATIE: [Turning incandescent] WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!? YOU NEVER LET ME DO
ANYTHING THE WAY I WANT TO DO!!! THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY SPECIAL
DAY AND YOU VE *RUINED* IT!!!!!!!
[Katie explodes, blowing the roof of the joint, and filling the sky
above with amazing bursts of colour and light. Cue Sousa s "Stars and
Stripes Forever".]
MOTHER: We should have thrown her a quincea era!
FATHER: How would that have helped?
MOTHER: It wouldn t, but at least it would have been over with a year ago!
KATIE S FRIENDS: [Just arriving] Wow! Cool! Look at that! Awesome party,
Katie, I can t believe you got fireworks! [etc.] How d you
ever talk your parents into it?!
KATIE: [Staggering in to greet them, tucking her hair back into place and
regaining her composure] Oh, you know... [glancing around to make sure
her parents aren t listening] My folks are the greatest.
[Meanwhile, Katie s mother and father stare up towards the rafters, or
what little is left of them. Katie s brother climbs out from under
some rubble.]
MOTHER: [Sighing] OK, Tinker, better go get the tent. We ll be sleeping in
the back yard again tonight.
FATHER: I wish we *were* marrying her off -- we could use a dowry to pay for
the new roof!
MOTHER: [Biting her lip] Um...
FATHER: What?
MOTHER: Katie hasn t spoken to you about what she wants for her wedding,
has she?
FATHER: Well, no, I -- bu-- that-- [Blanching] @hh, I think I d rather not
know. [Mrs. Kaboom nods her head]
{Final sting from "Stars and Stripes"}
[Da-da-da-dum da-da-da-dum da-da-da-daaa-dum Boom! Quick fade to white]
- David "Sixteen toons, and whaddya get?
Another year older, 'n' a post you'd like to forget" Green
