Rescue 9/11
David Green
Because that's the day we brought you this shameless story full of lame
puns, cheesy plot devices, and recycled punchlines. And those are its
good points! The storyline is even more offensive� in fact, it's a tale
calculated to make you mad, so mad that you'll want to dial�
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R E S C U E 9 / 1 1
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[The scene opens on a clear blue sky. A jetliner swooshes past,
and we fade to the interior of the plane]
[One of the passengers looks around quickly, then gets out of his
seat and suspiciously approaches one of the stewardesses at the
front of the plane.]
TERRORIST: Don't make any sudden cries! I have a bomb. I'm sure you
understand the situation?
STEWARDESS: H-hi-j-jack--??
[The terrorist grins evilly]
YAKKO: [Popping up over his shoulder] Hijack?
WAKKO: [Dropping down like an oxygen mask] Who�s Jack?
DOT: [Popping up over his other shoulder] Hi, Jack!
TERRORIST: Get off me!
YAKKO: Whoa, our new special fiend!
TERRORIST: I'm taking over this plane! Tell the pilot he has a new
destination.
Y,W,D: Where are we going? Beirut? Cuba? I hear Bora-Bora�s very
nice this time of year!
[They start talking over each other and squabbling.]
YAKKO: Look, the only fair way to decide is to pick straws...
[He holds out his hand with four straws. They each pick one.]
TERRORIST: Ha-hah! I win! [He holds up his long straw]
YAKKO: @@@h now, I wouldn't say that!
[Pan down to reveal it's actually the long fuse to a stick
of dynamite]
TERRORIST: [Clampett take] !
[ BOOM!!! ]
DOT: Listen, Jack, is this trip really necessary??
TERRORIST: We must fly to Washington to destroy the heart of your
imperialist infidel state!
DOT: We all dream about taking out the entire seat of
government...
YAKKO: ...especially during tax time, election years, and any time
the news is on.
[Quick-pan over to that clip of Wakko playing a rimshot from
"Taming of the Screwy"]
DOT: ... but don't you think you're overreacting?
TERRORIST: Quiet! Take your seats and do not move until the pilot has
switched off the "prepare to meet your miserable fates" light.
YAKKO: @h, we'd rather not.
TERRORIST: Enough talk! I have a bomb!
DOT: [Sourly to the camera] Big deal, we're *starring* in one!
YAKKO: Oh, yeah? [He puts his hand out flat and Wakko reaches into
his gag bag and pulls out a phone that he puts in his
brother's hand]
Well, I have a -- cell phone! And I'm not afraid to use it!
[The terrorist stares nervously at the device in Yakko's hand]
TERRORIST: You wouldn't dare...
[Yakko's thumb quivers over the phone, ready to flip it open]
Stop that! You can�t use a phone on the plane! � I�m warning
you, put that down or I�ll blow us up!
DOT: [Aside] Whoa, dumber than advertised!
TERRORIST: [Biting his lip] You're bluffing!
WAKKO: Naw, we're craaaazy!
[Yakko shrugs and turns on the phone.
Cut to an exterior shot of the plane. It suddenly coughs,
stops, and drops like a rock]
TERRORIST: I'm warning you! Turn that off now, or -- or--
[Yakko is nonchalantly bouncing his paddleball, Wakko is
sitting on the floor playing cards, and Dot is admiring
herself in a hand mirror.]
YAKKO: Or what?
TERRORIST: Or� [a crafty look crosses his face] I'll introduce you to
some friends of mine.
[Two other terrorists have been tiptoeing up behind the
Warners and suddenly grab them]
This is my co-conspirator Mohammed, and this is my other
co-conspirator Mohammed.
[The two other terrorists pull out box cutters]
YAKKO: @@@@h -- I don�t think you�re supposed to bring those onto
the plane.
DOT: I'm going to report you scofflaws to the authorities!
WAKKO: They have rules, y'know!
[Cue the "What are We (not Allowed to Bring on Board)" song]
[(to the tune of the Ingredients Song)]
Kerosene and hockey sticks,
Brass knuckles, wrenches, and ice picks;
Catapults and throwing stars,
Ammunition and crowbars!
Razor blades and multi-tools,
Meat thermometers and fuels;
Blackjacks, cleavers, billiard cues,
And anything that's got a fuse.
Hammers, golf clubs, pepper spray, and tear gas, you should put away--
Semtex, varnish, fireworks only would be brought by jerks!
Sharp-tipped scissors, scuba tanks, stilettos, bowling balls -- no thanks!
Syringes, hatchets, cricket bats are strictly disallowed.
WAKKO: Here's a weapon! [pulls an Iron Maiden out of the terrorist's pocket]
DOT: Ain't that awful?
YAKKO: First, let's find out if it's lawful!
Nnnooo... swords or mace or propane, please
(and no propane accessories!)
Slingshots, darts, and turpentine
And naphthalene are out of line.
Curling irons, knives, and each
Of crossbows, varnish, drills, and bleach!
Nunchuks, ski poles, dynamite,
Saws or sabres don't seem right.
Plutonium and TNT, and guns and toothpaste just can't be
Brought in your luggage with aplomb or there'll be such a carry-on!
Although we like to fly,
It's less fun if we die,
But why'd we give our freedoms up and still not catch this guy?!?
[The terrorists have been sneaking up behind the Warners.
As the song ends, they lunge at them.
The sibs scatter and run away all over the place: Dot crawls into
a beverage cart, Wakko scrambles up into an overhead compartment,
and Yakko ducks into the loo.]
TERRORIST 1: [Rushes to the restroom, and yanks open the door.]
YAKKO: [wearing a blonde wig] Eek! Can't you see it's *occupied*?!?
[Whaps him repeatedly over the head with a handbag]
TERRORIST 2: [Yanks open the compartment and gets pummelled by falling luggage]
TERRORIST 3: [Lunges into the cart� his head pokes out the other side, looking
around confusedly]
DOT: [Craning her head around the side of the cart and grinning at
him. She is dressed as a stewardess.] Coffee? Tea? Cyanide
pills? [She hands him a small foil-wrapped packet]
TERRORIST: Bah! [He throws the packet aside] I do not want this poison!
YAKKO: How can you tell it from regular airline food? [Sorry, folks,
these are the jokes� if you want originality, go somewhere else.
Oh, wait, you all did. Never mind.]
DOT: Hey, if you want to kill yourself, no point taking it out on the
rest of us!
WAKKO: Mine's too small! [He's got an opened packet and is frowning at
the measly couple of pills in his hand]
[While Yakko is grabbing the pills away from Wakko and Wakko is
trying to grab them back and Dot is rolling her eyes, the
terrorists run to the front of the plane. The first terrorist
bursts into the cockpit while the others stand guard. An ominous
crack rings out.]
[Blur-pan to a random seat with Slappy Squirrel looking more
sombre than usual and Skippy sitting next to her, panic-stricken.]
SKIPPY: The pilot! He's--WAAAAHHH!!!
YAKKO: All right, siblings, this is serious. There's no time for jokes.
WAKKO: Why start now?
DOT: [glaring at him]
WAKKO: (Well, you could hardly call that a joke.)
PASSENGERS: They're going to crash the plane! We can't let them reach their
target! We have to stop them!
YAKKO: Don't worry, we're going to do something!
DOT: If we're going to die, we'll die trying!
WAKKO: Or <gulp> do some tie-dying� right??
PASSENGER 1: Desperate times call for [the sibs clamp their hands over their
mouths to prevent pop-cultural references from slipping out]
measures.
PASSENGER 2: They can't stop all of us together!
PASSENGER 3: Are you guys ready? Okkay. Let's roll!
[The Warners grab each other and blob into a ball.
They roll down the aisle, scattering the two terrorists like
bowling pins. The other passengers are right behind them, forcing
open the cockpit door and rushing in�]
[Cut to an exterior shot of the plane. It balks and shudders and
lurches from side to side.
The engines whine and the plane descends out of frame...
There's a moment of eerie quiet; then a crash. Fade to black]
[An otherworldly light glows and fills the screen. The
ghosts of the three terrorists slowly materialize and solidify.
They look around themselves, bewildered, as a white-gowned figure
floats into view.]
ANGEL: Welcome to your eternal reward�
[He stretches out his hand and we see three veiled maidens in the
background. They are covered head to foot except for their eyes,
with lashes all a-flutter.]
TERRORISTS: Whoopee! [They cheer and rush over to the maidens. They pucker up,
pull back the veils, and�]
YAKKO: <mwah!>
WAKKO: <mwah!>
DOT: <mwah!>
TERRORISTS: Yauuuugh! [They choke, splutter, and run zig-zagging off into the
distance as the Warners chase after them]
YAKKO: Come back! We've got dynamite to stuff down your pants!
WAKKO: You can spend eternity blowing yourselves up!
DOT: And we're gonna help you!!
[Pan across to the angel watching them disappear over the horizon.
He grabs the halo from over his head and shakes off his wings...]
SATAN: [Evil laughter, then turning to the camera:] Ain�t I a stinker?
[Iris out, with a cloud of sulphurous smoke]
-David "Terror at 2000 Feet" Green