SWEET SIXTEEN
David Green
barely even any spam. But also, it�s been far too long since anyone posted a
Katie Kaboom story. So wait no longer! For your reading pleasure [sic],
alt.tv.animaniacs proudly presents Katie Kaboom in:
THE BIG 1-0
(for those of you speaking hexadecimal. (It�s like Wunna Pekke for computers.))
[The scene opens on an ordinary household on an ordinary day in an
ordinary place.]
KATIE: [Running back and forth anxiously] Oh, oh, it�s almost time for my
party to start! Everything�s got to be perfect!!
KATIE�S MOTHER: Calm down, sweetheart, it�s all under control.
KATIE�S FATHER: Sure, I�m going to warm up the record player right now!
Where are those LP�s again...?
KATIE: [Turning to Mrs. Kaboom in desperation] Mother!!!
MOTHER: Don�t worry, he�s just teasing. He�s got all the music you picked out.
FATHER: [Pretending to look hurt] Nothing wrong with the music we used to
listen to, once upon a time.
KATIE: That was last *century*!
FATHER: What, don�t kids listen to the Beatles any more?
You know, speaking of the olden days, a sweet-sixteen party used to be
the time that a young lady made her debut into society in order to
introduce herself to any eligible bachelors.
[Turning to his wife] Ah, what do you think, dear? Will any royalty
come courting, do you suppose? I think we should, ah, hold out for a
substantial dowry. Recoup some of our investment, y�know...
KATIE: [to Mrs. Kaboom] Please don�t let him embarrass me in front of my
friends!
FATHER: Now, now, don�t fret, pumpkin; I-I�ll behave myself.
MOTHER: See, Katie? We�ve got the music ready, the decorations are up, the
food is prepared. It�ll be your best birthday party yet!
KATIE: Um... there is one other thing. I know it�s last minute, but it�s the
latest thing and all the kids are doing it, and I�ve just got to have
some and PLEASE, I�ve simply got to, you can�t make me have my sweet-16
party without them, I just--
MOTHER: Katie, Katie, without WHAT?
KATIE: [Practically crying] Fireworks! I need fireworks!
FATHER: Fireworks!?! Now listen, dear, we can�t just run out and get
fireworks! Your guests will be here any minute, and--
KATIE: No, it�s really easy, Tinker knows this place just down the highway,
you could be there and back in no time!
TINKER: [Wilting under the glare from both his parents] Oh, I�ve never been
there, I only heard about it from this kid at school, see, OK, one
time his big brother took him to this place and he bought a jumbo
firecracker, and it blew his eyebrows off and he had to draw eyebrows
on with a marker until they grew back. 'Kay, I�m going to go play in
my room now, 'bye! [He scampers off]
FATHER: I�m sorry, Katie, we�re not going to get illegal fireworks for your
party! It�s dangerous, and it--
KATIE: [Screaming] It�s not fair! You NEVER do anything I want!!!
I couldn�t rent a hall, I couldn�t have a helicopter, I couldn�t get a
pony! All my friends get to have great parties, but you always try to
punish me and what am I supposed to tell them and you can�t do this to
me and blah blah blah, etc.
MOTHER: Honey, you have to understand: all those things cost a lot of money,
and it�s not like on TV wh--
KATIE: [Turning incandescent] WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!? YOU NEVER LET ME DO
ANYTHING THE WAY I WANT TO DO!!! THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY SPECIAL
DAY AND YOU�VE *RUINED* IT!!!!!!!
[Katie explodes, blowing the roof of the joint, and filling the sky
above with amazing bursts of colour and light. Cue Sousa�s "Stars and
Stripes Forever".]
MOTHER: We should have thrown her a quincea�era!
FATHER: How would that have helped?
MOTHER: It wouldn�t, but at least it would have been over with a year ago!
KATIE�S FRIENDS: [Just arriving] Wow! Cool! Look at that! Awesome party,
Katie, I can�t believe you got fireworks! [etc.] How�d you
ever talk your parents into it?!
KATIE: [Staggering in to greet them, tucking her hair back into place and
regaining her composure] Oh, you know... [glancing around to make sure
her parents aren�t listening] My folks are the greatest.
[Meanwhile, Katie�s mother and father stare up towards the rafters, or
what little is left of them. Katie�s brother climbs out from under
some rubble.]
MOTHER: [Sighing] OK, Tinker, better go get the tent. We�ll be sleeping in
the back yard again tonight.
FATHER: I wish we *were* marrying her off -- we could use a dowry to pay for
the new roof!
MOTHER: [Biting her lip] Um...
FATHER: What?
MOTHER: Katie hasn�t spoken to you about what she wants for her wedding,
has she?
FATHER: Well, no, I -- bu-- that-- [Blanching] @hh, I think I�d rather not
know. [Mrs. Kaboom nods her head]
{Final sting from "Stars and Stripes"}
[Da-da-da-dum da-da-da-dum da-da-da-daaa-dum Boom! Quick fade to white]
- David "Sixteen toons, and whaddya get?
Another year older, 'n' a post you'd like to forget" Green
Verrain
Wow. I can't believe this group still exists. Nice Katie story.
David Green
Verrain <rich.d...@gmail.com> wrote:
> Wow. I can't believe this group still exists. Nice Katie story.
Thank you! I can't believe anyone else is still here!
YAKKO: @hhhhhh, I'm here!
DOT: I'm here!
WAKKO: I'm here!!! [Gookying]
YAKKO: (Well, not *all* here.)
PLATO: Yeah, well, you guys don't count.
DOT: Sure we do!
YAKKO: A-one and a-two and a-three and a-four...!
WAKKO: Oh, there are many newsgroups making up the Usenet--
PLATO: QUIET! This is no time for a song break!
Y,W,D: It's not?
PLATO: Ha-ha, just kidding!
It's always time for a song-break!
There can't be too many songs! ...
YAKKO: (What tune is that? The Mexican Hat Dance??)
DOT: (I'm not sure that was a tune!)
WAKKO: (I think it's the theme to Tiny Toons!)
FREAKAZOID: If you ask me, it was Rachmaninoff's third piano concerto!
[Everyone stops to stare at Freakazoid]
PLATO: Erm, ahem. [Tapping foot and pointing at the name of the newsgroup]
FREAKY:Aw, nuts. [Schlepping away with hunched shoulders and muttering]
Nobody posts in *my* group any more...
PLATO: [Dusting off my hands] Now, where were we?
Y,W,D: Right behiiiind you!
PLATO: [Jumping] YAAAAGH! How many times have I told you not to do that?!
YAKKO: @h, I dunno, we don't count.
DOT: Here we go again!
PLATO: Ah-ha. [Throwing my voice] "<Bing-bong!> Alon calling!"
YAKKO: I'll get it! [Rushing off-screen]
DOT: No, I'll get it! [Running after him]
WAKKO: I never get to get it. [Stomping off after both of them]
PLATO: [Dusting off my hands again.] Huh. It sure is dusty around here!
...probably because there's so little traffic.
[Light bulb going on over my head] Hey...! I've got a good idea!
BODETT:...Posting to alt.tv.animaniacs!
BAD IDEA: Posting to alt.tv.animaniacs after it's been dead for ten years.
PLATO: Not you! Shoo!
[Fade out]
[Fade in on the next scene: a.t.a is bustling with traffic from all over.
None of it *stops* there; it's all taking a shortcut to other place --
blogs, web fora, the occasional Geocities^H^H^H^H^Hdead end....
And all down this stretch of the information superhighway are billboards,
billboards as far as the eye can see!]
PLATO: It's glorious!
[Jutting a thumb at all the ads with Grouch Marx eyebrows] Spam!
[Just then, a mob of law enforcement officers arrive on the scene,
lights flashing and sirens wailing.]
COPS: All right, buddy, we've got you know.
PLATO: What's going on?? I didn't do anything!
COPS: You're in violation of the Criminal Anti-Network-Terrorism Song-Posting
Attack Measure, 2009.
PLATO: But you can't put me in jail for that!
COPS: Who said anything about jail? You're sentenced to another 16 years here!
Spam and all.
PLATO: Nooooooooooooooooooooo...!!!
[Iris out]
- David "oh well, it's better than being sentenced to alt.tv.freakazoid" Green
FREAKAZOID: Hey! I HEARD that!!!
[Iris out again]