Connections with portraits? What should I do??
Nikki
frustrated in every way possible now: socially, academically,
emotionally, physically, guys-ly, and to top it all off,
sexually. But most people already know about that last one.
Anyhow, there's this guy at mmy school who is basically a David
bowie look-alike (my perfect man) and I used to have a severe
need to jump him, but I'm incredibly torn, and it seems like
everytime I look at him I want to burst into tears. Ok, it all
started on the plane back from New Orleans when Paul (DB clone
with dark hair) ends up across the aisle from me, and I'm working
in my sketchbook. He asks to see it, so I let him, and then he
starts going off about how the portraits are so good, and he
asks, "Will you draw me?" I say NO!! with the explaination that
I've never drawn from life before and it would be utterly
embarrassing. He won't accept that. For an HOUR...I'm not
exaggerating...an HOUR he keeps begging me to draw his portrait!
He's poking me and giving me this puppy dog look and saying
stuff like, "It gives you a good excuse to stare at me." So
finally I tell him I'll do it. So he gets this look on his face
- eyes relaxed, lips out slightly, staring straight into my eyes.
GOD I wanted to faint...So it takes me about an hour to finish
the drawing, and it actually turned out pretty good. He was
pretty impressed....kept going off about what a good looking guy
he is. arrogant arsehole. He then keeps asking me to let him
see the drawing over and over, since it's in my sketchbook. So
now you're probably thinking, "Ok Nikki....is there a point
coming up within, lets say, a fifty mile radius? Cuz my eyes are
starting to blur," but here's the weird part. I never knew that
I could form such a connection with drawing a person. As I was
sketching him, I felt drawn into him..like I was making love to
him face. I can still see every detail of his face when I close
my eyes. It's really strange....like the more I drew him, the
more I gazed at him, and therefore felt all the more connected
and bound and a PART of him. Almost as if with every second that
I looked at him in that hour made me feel like I knew another
aspect of him, mostly from looking into his eyes. It was more
than just examining the shape of his eyes....it felt like I was
looking INTO him. Anyway now it's all fucked up for
me...Everytime I look at him now I get incredibly weak in the
knees, it feels like theres a huge hole in my stomach, there's an
ache just below my heart, I get the sensation in my throat like
I'm going to cry...Ugh I'm hopeless. Argh it happens when I
think about him too. And today when he was in the band room he
changed his shirt, and as I passed by I saw his bare back and
this soft, involuntary, sad sounding groan escaped my lips. I
think it stems from the fact that I know I have absolutely no
shred of chance of him feeling the same way toward me, which is
really all I want in the world right now...is for him to feel the
same connection to me as I do to him. And to top it all off, he
likes my very good friend Tracy. Actually I think he just wants
to get her in the sack...which leads me to believe that all he
cares about is outer looks....she's this tall, thin, long blonde
haired, brown eyed goddess that everyone I'm interested seems to
want desperately or at least is attracted to slightly. Maybe it
also has something to do with the fact that I really feel like I
need someone I feel affection for to give back some attention
too...I want him to acknowledge my presence....since the plane
ride he hasn't spoken a word to me, even when standing 2 feet
away from me and saying hello to tracy and my other friend
nicole. He didn't even say hello. I can't stand having that
picture in my sketchbook anymore...it makes me crazy looking at
it. It reminds me of the plane and the connection and the bond
and ARGH! I'm thinking about just handing that page to him and
saying, "I can't have this picture in my sketchbook anymore. It
makes me want to cry when I look at it," and just walk away. lol
I guess I'm dramatic like that. ohhhhhh boy.....That was long.
*sigh* Any suggestions? I know I shuldn't feel this way, but is
giving his the picture a good idea?
thanks for listening,
nikki
http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/lothlorien/artists/nikita/nikita.ht
ml
* Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet's Discussion Network *
The fastest and easiest way to search and participate in Usenet - Free!
Uk Guy
feel in six months, will ya be like "shit wish i'd kept it!!"???? if ya do
give him the sketch just say sommat like, "you liked this so much i thought
ya might want to keep it" who knows ya may strike up a conversation and one
thing could lead to another and wahay, or if ya lifes anything like mine,
he'll go "oh um cheers, see ya later" Don't ya just love life! :)
Nikki wrote in message <0f240810...@usw-ex0102-084.remarq.com>...
Rob
Rob
Uk Guy wrote in message <8esduk$okb$1...@gxsn.com>...
Paul Baucom
news:D0kQ4.331$hD3....@nntp0.chicago.il.ameritech.net...
> Or you could just tell him this and see how he feels about it.
> Rob
>
He probably wouldn't care. He doesn't sound interested in her (he sounds
like a typical male asshole). This seems like a classic case of
infatuation. I don't see how anyone could actually have higher emotional
feelings (love, care, etc.) for someone like that.
// pb
Paul Baucom
(infatuated). The urge to cry and the other sensations you feel when you
see him are likely caused by your frustrations of not being able to go to
bed with him. Perhaps you're mistaking these feelings of frustration for
feelings of love.
Nikki <labychik...@pacbell.net.invalid> wrote in message
news:0f240810...@usw-ex0102-084.remarq.com...
> *sigh* Any suggestions? I know I shuldn't feel this way, but is
> giving his the picture a good idea?
>
I'm sure he'd love to have the picture. He'd probably stare at it for an
hour each night before going to bed.
But serriously, though. You should probably just burn it or something.
You're thinking of going up to him and giving him the picture and saying, "I
can't have this picture in my sketchbook anymore. It makes me want to cry
when I look at it." Perhaps you only want to do that because you're seeking
his attention. When/if he doesn't give it to you, then you'll feel REALLY
bad.
If you really only want to get rid of it to get rid of it, you might as well
just trash it and fight the urge to actually GIVE him the picture. This
could be your first step in letting go of him. Because you're holding
yourself captive with this obsession. And that really sucks.
// pb
Nikki
thing going on where I feed on other people proving my
imperfections and failures. I do it myself everyday, and
although it crushes me to hear it, it's really what I've been
looking for...a truth that may not be true at all. It's
validating all my inner negative thoughts about myself, and for
me it's like a grievious relief that the confusion has come to an
end...that I was right all along. I've always wanted to know the
truth. It's been the basis of my existence. So I seek out men
who will feed me my own negative thoughts. And you're right. I
DO want his attention. I crave it. I feel as though if this guy
could find me somewhat attractive or appealing, then I've solved
one of the looming problems in my life. Attraction. If I can
attract HIM...then I can attract anyone. That's why I want
attention from this haughty arsehole. He is quite possibly the
most beautiful man/boy I've ever seen, aside from David Bowie
and Joshua Bell (the violin player). And when I hang around
Tracy, I see his nice side, which I like a lot because he's
really quite funny. He's got that sarcastic, cynical humor that
I tend to display too.
Now, drawing his portrait....that was incredibly personal for me.
I feel like because I've drawn him I've invaded his privacy in
some way, and I can't rid him from underneath my skin because of
it. I think most beginning artists can agree that drawing a real
person from LIFE is a strange, somewhat spiritual experience.
There is some sort of a connection there, even if it is
one-sided. Most people don't understand it I think...my art
friends can relate, so I'll talk about that aspect with them. I
don't expect valid advice about spiritual connection in art
through a teen advice board.
Anyhow I'm just pretty fucked up. That's what the pills I'm
taking are for I suppose.
peaches,
nikki
http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/lothlorien/artists/nikita/nikita.ht
ml
ps This guy is really just a new obsession...the real guy I'm
interested in is close to his polar opposite.
Bateau
And you don't? You've deluded yourself into thinking you know a guy just
from studying what he looks like.
>she's this tall, thin, long blonde
>haired, brown eyed goddess that everyone I'm interested seems to
>want desperately or at least is attracted to slightly. Maybe it
>also has something to do with the fact that I really feel like I
>need someone I feel affection for to give back some attention
>too...I want him to acknowledge my presence....since the plane
>ride he hasn't spoken a word to me, even when standing 2 feet
>away from me and saying hello to tracy and my other friend
>nicole. He didn't even say hello. I can't stand having that
>picture in my sketchbook anymore...it makes me crazy looking at
>it. It reminds me of the plane and the connection and the bond
>and ARGH!
Connection? Bond? Clearly not, as he doesn't even take any notice of
you. A connection is a two way thing you know.
>I'm thinking about just handing that page to him and
>saying, "I can't have this picture in my sketchbook anymore. It
>makes me want to cry when I look at it," and just walk away. lol
>I guess I'm dramatic like that. ohhhhhh boy.....That was long.
>*sigh* Any suggestions? I know I shuldn't feel this way, but is
>giving his the picture a good idea?
>
>thanks for listening,
>nikki
>http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/lothlorien/artists/nikita/nikita.html
--
~ _ ~ . ` ' , ^~ ______
^ >(')_, ~~ _ __, _ '.___ ; *BANG*
~ (_~_/ >(')_, ` (_~_/ >(')_, `'\ \
^ ~^~~^~ (_~_/ ~^~~^~ (_~_/ ~~ ICQ:11367619
~ ^~^ ~^~~^~ ~^~ ~^~~^~ email:smeggus at jupiterio.net
Paul Baucom
> I think I just have low self-esteem. And I've got this weird
> thing going on where I feed on other people proving my
> imperfections and failures. I do it myself everyday, and
> although it crushes me to hear it, it's really what I've been
> looking for...a truth that may not be true at all. It's
> validating all my inner negative thoughts about myself, and for
> me it's like a grievious relief that the confusion has come to an
> end...that I was right all along. I've always wanted to know the
> truth. It's been the basis of my existence. So I seek out men
> who will feed me my own negative thoughts. And you're right. I
> DO want his attention. I crave it. I feel as though if this guy
> could find me somewhat attractive or appealing, then I've solved
> one of the looming problems in my life. Attraction. If I can
> attract HIM...then I can attract anyone. That's why I want
> attention from this haughty arsehole. He is quite possibly the
> most beautiful man/boy I've ever seen, aside from David Bowie
> and Joshua Bell (the violin player). And when I hang around
> Tracy, I see his nice side, which I like a lot because he's
> really quite funny. He's got that sarcastic, cynical humor that
> I tend to display too.
Sounds like you've thought about this a lot and know what to do. I guess
the doing it is the hard part.
>
> Now, drawing his portrait....that was incredibly personal for me.
> I feel like because I've drawn him I've invaded his privacy in
> some way, and I can't rid him from underneath my skin because of
> it. I think most beginning artists can agree that drawing a real
> person from LIFE is a strange, somewhat spiritual experience.
> There is some sort of a connection there, even if it is
> one-sided. Most people don't understand it I think...my art
> friends can relate, so I'll talk about that aspect with them. I
> don't expect valid advice about spiritual connection in art
> through a teen advice board.
Yep.
>
> Anyhow I'm just pretty fucked up. That's what the pills I'm
> taking are for I suppose.
That's not a very constructive solution.
>
> peaches,
> nikki
> http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/lothlorien/artists/nikita/nikita.ht
> ml
>
> ps This guy is really just a new obsession...the real guy I'm
> interested in is close to his polar opposite.
Then why don't you figure out how to make this other guy give you the
attention you want? If he's the opposite of the pretty-boy, then he should
be able to increase your self-esteeme and you wouldn't need anyone to make
you feel bad about yourself. Then you would be happy.
And remember: Most people aren't going to see you in a good light if you
don't see yourself in a good light. Every once in a while you meet a guy
who'll see through low self-esteem, but it's not very likely. 90% of what
makes you attractive to someone is your attitude toward yourself and life in
general.
I know it's hard to think life is good when it sucks so bad, but you have to
for life to GET good. It's kind of a chicken-egg problem. The people
around you aren't going to change for you, so you need to change for them.
// pb